Phoenixking

Day 21. "Three weeks." 13 pushups & 26 situps per day - Only didn't do them once, but caught up in the morning. Amped it up to 13/26. Living together with another person quickly shows you their ugly sides. I've never felt so naked or annoyed by little things. Like the way she vaccuums or does things in my kitches. I'm very self-reliant and selfsufficient. I had to be, I was thrown into the deep at a young age. She has the opposite. Her parents had trouble conceiving, lost her twin brother in utero and her sister has a heart condition. Her parents are véry doting, helicopter-type people. They've never considered their kids as fellow adults. They even tried sending her 26-year old ass to her room a while back when she was visiting. I think she's never been able to make decisions straightforwardly because her parents always took that responsability away from her. Now that she's older cutting through problems is a weakness of her because her parents never allowed her to grow that muscle. I was tired, she was tired. We fought again. Well, it's more like we went between being snappy and sharp and feeling bad and being loving again. We talked about it before we went to sleep and cleared it all out. On the one hand it's not a pleasant process. On the other, it proves that we can go through stuff and talk it out, every single time. I feel like there's a good base here, despite all these little flecks of frustration. Recent highlight: Nearing the first deadline of my radio show. It's coming together nicely but still requires a lot of work. Budget status: This is the first week where I'm limiting myself to a 50 bucks allowance each week (apart from important nescessities). I'm going to try and save to get a new laptop. My one goal for the next 24h: Get the story actually written out. It's all in my head, but I need more words on paper to show the producers I can deliver. I've already gotten some story elements for the other 8 episodes, but the first is finished. I just need to actually write it >.>

Day 16. "Roaring to go." 12 pushups & 24 situps per day - Still going strong, haven't skipped a single rep. Might up this to 13/26 one of these days. Talked things out with the girlfriend. Everything is fine now ^^ I guess we just needed to put things out there. Got a haircut today and made a video to add to my resumé by QR-code. I've also laid out the basic story structure for my radio show. I'm hoping to get some more work done today/tonight. I stayed up til 4 am. I keep going to bed later and later. But I notice that I'm being incredibly productive. Shit's getting done pretty quickly. I also had a phone call about my welfare money coming in. Look like I'm set for this month and the next unless something really major happens. I'm feeling more and more energetic lately. I've been really getting more shit done. If I'm allowed to work on my own terms and on my own rythm, I can do some pretty cool things. My place is spotless, fresh food in the fridge, I sleep 8 hours on average, I do my workouts and I'm feeling happy, positive, and I look pretty. Beard is well kept, clothes are stylish and fashionable. It seems I really deed need some recovery. I still have about 13 days to go for my radio show needs to be finished but I'm feeling very positive about life right now. Recent highlight: Finished the story structure on the radio show and discovered I'd be getting my full paycheck for this month as if I were to have worked like normal. Budget status: Come next week, I'm going to start saving more. Apart from actually important bills like water or groceries, I'm only going to give myself an allowance of 50 bucks per week for stuff like theater, drinking, eating out or anything of those sorts. My one goal for the next 24h: Try and get the first dialogues written for my show, current working title is 'Fake News'.

Keep in mind that though there is lots to be done and the demands are pretty high, and you demand a lot from yourself too, you're only human ?

Day 15. "You are allowed to panic." 12 pushups & 24 situps per day - Still going strong, haven't skipped a single rep. Might up this to 13/26 one of these days. I ran into a bit of a wall last night. I was pissy, emotional, easily aggravated. We were spending our first evening together at my place and it was clear that I was angry about something, I just couldn't figure it out. She asked if it was something she did, I said it wasn't. It was small things at first. Her leaving lights on and exiting rooms. Having to spend 20 whole minutes waiting for her to come back from selecting her outfit for the day after, only to realize she still had to iron her clothes, ... I'm rather well organized nowadays. I used to be chaotic like that too. So it bugged me because I just wanted to have some peace and quiet and sit down and watch The Boys (holy shit, so good, go watch it). After she'd went to bed, I confessed that I felt guilty. She was going to bed and I was staying up and it was making me go crazy. It didn't feel right. I had some sake, watched some more of the series, calmed down and spent a while conversing with myself why I was so upset. And then it hit me. I'm uncomfortable because now she's going to see every little ugly side of me. I will no longer be able to hide the dirty little secrets that I still struggle to fully accept from myself. How much alcohol I drink. How late I go to bed and how late I wake up. How much time I spend on the computer. How anal I am about being somewhere on time. I'm terrified of showing these sides because I still haven't fully accepted them myself. But now I can't hide. It's going to be out there soon. She's going to see it. And that scares me a whole lot. Enough to be very, very uncomfortable. So it's probably a bit too soon to move in together ? But I'm totally giving this my all. And it's an experiment after all, we've talked about this. If it fails, it fails. It's a win-win. Either we're ready for it and that's a good thing and we can start planning to find a cool new appartment. Or we learn that we're not ready and we'll still love each other and it will help us grow as a couple. And I know she has those dirty, ugly secret sides too. And I know she'll love me despite my shit and I'll love her despite hers. It's just that this is some sort of speedbump I need to get across. I'll have a talk with her tonight about all of this. We'll be fine. I just need to say it out loud, I guess. Recent highlight: The entire appartment is completely spotless! Budget status: I am happy that the gig paid so well. I can breathe for a while. Now to get that welfare money sorted out. My one goal for the next 24h:Go shopping and do my daily routine. But also finish some to dos. The biggest one would be to get some words on paper for my radio program.

Day 14. "A big change incoming" 12 pushups & 24 situps per day - Still going strong, haven't skipped a single rep. So my SO has moved in. The experiment commences! I have yet to clean the living room/kitchen because we've both been away all weekend. I had a freelance gig I had to attend to and she tagged along for the ride. I had to host a small music festival, loads of fun. Got me just over 400 bucks in 1 weekend. Pretty happy. I'll easily make the end of the month with this. I was supposed to drive back and forth but in the end she booked us a really fancy hotel. The room was 200, but we got it for 90 because of last minute discounts. Split in 2, it was cheaper than driving back home and returning. And it allowed us to explore the city a little bit. Turns out, there was a food festival going on! I even visited my old coffee place where I used to barrista! A lovely weekend, big time. Lots of spontaneity and adrenaline. I have 15 days to write my radio program. I haven't jotted a single letter down so far. I'm both terrified and excited. I work well under pressure, though. I'm making cleaning my place up my priority right now, and there's still some comedy to write. But I'm sure that after a few days I'll be fully absorbed by the radio program. If I don't get started this week, I might be in trouble. But then again, I am home all day, every day. I have way more time than I used to. I was a bit worried about money until a day ago. Now that I figure I'll make it to the end of the month, I'm feeling pretty happy. Though I can still feel my brain going through detox. But that's only normal. I'm only 2 weeks in. Recent highlight: Accidentally stumbling upon the food festival with my girlfriend and making a great date out of it. Budget status: I still need to get back into the habit of noting my daily spending. But with this new gig I did, I should be fine for now. My one goal for the next 24h: Clean this place up and finish that task finally. And maaaaaybe get some more things done. But the cleaning is the minimum I want to try and achieve.

Day 11. "A big change incoming" 12 pushups & 24 situps per day I spent the better part of the day cleaning every nook and cranny. The only room left is my livingroom/kitchen and it's truly a dump! It's going to take me a few hours but I hope to have it finished by tomorrow. I spent lots of time today watching anime, so I set the website into the screentime limiter apps. I notice that after a while I'm not really watching the anime, it's more of a compulsion, it's like consuming it just for the visual stimuli. Apart from that today went well because of how productive I felt cleaning. My exercises still seem to be going well and I've read about breaking and making habits. It's less about goals and processes and more about identity. Like when you quit smoking you can try to stop yourself everytime from smoking, or change your mindset and shift your identity from smoker to non-smoker. Changing your habits is best, it seems, if you make a mental switch and stop viewing yourself as a lazy bum but start viewing yourself as an athlete-in-training. The book is way more well written that I'm paraphrasing right now, of course. My SO is moving in this Monday. We'll spend the better part of the weekend moving her stuff. I also have a gig this weekend so some money is coming in. At this point, at the beginning of the month, I only have a couple of hundred bucks to my name. My rent is pretty high and so are insurance bills... Moving in will cut some of those costs. But it's also kind of nice to be able to wake up together, cook, ... We might fall back into a more relaxed or even lazy daily life. But in the beginning? Man, I look forward to being the best partner to each other day in, day out. Recent highlight: I hate cleaning. But at a certain point I felt so motivated to get everything up to par. I'm sure I spent hours on end. I felt a bit woozy afterwards, even. Budget status: I still need to make that algorytm. But I'm still a bit unsure about money flow. I hope I make it to the end of the month, to be honest. Because of me being home instead of at the dull office, the paycheck is lower because healthcare and wellfare here. So the next few months will be a doozy. My one goal for the next 24h: Clean this place up. And try to have another amazing D&D-sesh in the evening!

Day 10. "A glimpse" 12 pushups & 24 situps per day So the last few days have been either hyperproductive or the complete opposite. I'm looking to find a bit more stability. I tend to fall asleep with a lot of anxiety and wake up really late. I guess being home 24/7 has downsides too. I've been postponing cleaning the place and I've fallen back into the old habit of stacking up my to do's again. But there is always more time! Nobody is chasing my ass and the only true enemy is myself. So the only thing I need to do, is change the way I deal with shit like this! ^^ I've been reading "Atomic Habits". It's a book on something called 'marginal gains'. Basically the first chapter describes it all with an example from the nineties. Basically the British cyclists were shitty and didn't win much. At a certain point the got a new boss who used the idea of 'marginal gains'. That is a system of dealing with problems by ignoring the goal and trying your hardest to get a 1% increase in whatever you're doing. So it focuses on the system you use to get to the goal instead of trying to achieve the goal in itself. If you're able to increase your gains by 1 percent every day or each time you make an effort to look for an upgrade or a better way to deal with things, you end up getting better results. It's a slow process, but the results increase exponentially. It's like putting an ice cube in a room that's at about 20 degrees below zero. You try your best to upgrade the way you deal with the ice cube and every time your attempt increases the temperature of the room by 1 degree. But after nineteen consequetive upgrades, you're at -1 degrees and no change has happened. That final push will make the ice cube start to melt: results! So the book teaches that it's not that 1 degree increase that made the difference. It's the entire amount of effort that paves the way for you to be able to get to that point in the first place. Like how we often see that one dude on the front page of the news who pulled a crazy feat and we only see the achievement or the genius idea he or she had. We don't see the amount of fails, the time spent or the efforts that they felt wasted. So I'm pretty excited to be reading something cool and new. Recent highlight: Yesterday I got a new resumé. It's shiny, creative, visual and next week I'll be adding a QR-code that links to a video of me introducing myself. I'm very excited about this. Budget status: Looked at all of my expenses of the past few months. It's a lot of work but I'm now working on a system that lets me know what I spend on average on important stuff like insurance or food and what I spend on drinks, eating out... I'm going to try and find a balance so I can save some money and also figure out what I HAVE to make as a freelancer to make ends meet without sacrificing too much of my current lifestyle. My one goal for the next 24h: Clean this place up. Elien is moving in with me next week. We're going to try living together for a month to see if it'd be a good idea.

Day 7. "The hangovers and the pickup." Well, the music festival has ended. I spent 9 out of 10 days drinking, dancing and shooting the shit with my friends. I don't even want to look at my bank account right now. You only get to do stuff like this once a lifetime. Whenever I get a hangover, nowadays it takes about a day to recover, minimally. So every year I grow older, it'd be harder and harder for me to pull off stupid stunts like these. I guess I just like living life while it's worth living. The performances were amazing, I got souvenirs and stories. I'm happy I did it. And now comes real life again. I'm going to try and take it easy today and not push myself too much. I have a list of things that need happening and I'm actually a little bit excited to be able to finally pour my focus and energy into improving my life again. Cleaning up the place, paperwork, ... Next month, starting from the 1st, I'll be conducting an experiment with my girl. We want to see if we're compatible enough to be able to move in and live together. So she's going to be spending a month at mine and I'll be spending the month of September at her place. We're looking for appartments or houses here and there, but we're still contractually connected to our respective appartments. I could pay a small fine to break the deal and leave, or ask nicely and find a replacement tennant and help out with the entire affair. Her place, is another story. I don't like what's going to be coming sooner or later, but we'll face it together. You see, I'm a fighter. I assert myself and try to make sure I am liked and respected and I behave friendly and respectfully towards others (unless I'm hangry, then you must run!). I've been through enough shit to be a critical human being that is not afraid to ask questions. So my appartment has no flaws I'm not aware of and every issue with the landlord or my power supplier or insurance companies, ... all get taken care of quickly and swiftly. I have no bullshit like she does. The blinds in her bedroom are busted and her bathroom is a biohazard. That's because the ceiling in her bathroom, adjacent hallway and bedroom is fake. It's a big wooden structure, covered with canvas and painted. It's pretty, but you could poke your finger through it if you were so inclined. The issue is with the bathroom, it's very badly ventilated. The moisture and hot air have nowhere to go. The entire room stays moist, the bath towels have started to smell like mold, ... It's messy. Her landlord made her aware of this and promised to take care of it. The blinds and the bathroom. She signed her contract anyway because she assumed (and who wouldn't?) that the landlord would fix it. The problem is that installing a much needed fan would require it being placed in the actual ceiling, thus requiring the entire fake ceiling of several rooms to be taken out. Hence the delays. But she also never pushes for more info or updates. She'd text or send a mail but postpone again and again. So she's been paying, in my opinion, waaay more than the place it worth. If you'd rip the ceiling up, I'm sure you'd find boatloads of mold and other nasties. If we would actually try to leave our appartments, I suggested she find legal aid so she doesn't keep bleeding cash. It's not my battle to fight, not fully. So I don't feel right stepping in. She needs to face her own issues. So sooner or later, this is going to come to the forefront. Until then, I'm probably going to spend a few days cleaning the place up, ironing, arranging my paperwork, ... I'm still tired and hung over, but I've put screentime limiters and app blockers in place. They should keep me away from Netflix and Reddit long enough to actually have a few productive days. Been doing my exercises a few days in a row now. I'm going to start keeping track. Right now we're at 12 pushups and 24 situps per day. Recent highlight: Received a message from my own doctor and my career coach, testifying that the office was a bad place for my mental health and their official advice to give me my medical resignation so I get welfare moolah and don't have to ever walk into that place ever again. Budget status: This is going to be a thing one of these days. Looking at what I've spent, what's coming in and trying to calculate a weekly/daily spending limit so that I can maintain my current lifestyle and still save some money every now and then. It's also supposed to get me an approximation of how much I HAVE to earn every month to get by. This'll help me get some perspective on what gigs I have to arrange. My one goal for the next 24h: Nurse the hangover, relax and don't fret or stress. And slowly start up my productivity again.

It happens, man. You are luckily aware of that behaviour and willing to step in and change it in time.

Day 4. "I guess we had a fight." I didn't go to the festival yesterday, it was just too hot. My girl came over and we updated my resumé. Her sister is dropping by next week because she knows InDesign and can spruce it up even more. I also started the paperwork process on getting sickness money and on getting to be able to leave my job without repercussions or having to work there for another six months. I notice that my household duties are just lying there. I know I'm not supposed to push myself too much. But it's starting to annoy me. The heat, the festival, all of my activities... I feel like I just just get 1 single day and dutifully clean the entire place. I'm guess I'm still getting used to my new schedule of literally having all the time in the world... I feel like I've been handed a luxury an ordinary person would benefit greatly from. But because of the bore-out and my deteriorated health and mental state, I need the time to just get by. I look forward to finding a bit more rythm and stability. I've started doing calisthenics to get rid of my little belly I've been growing. I've been skipping Krav Maga classes because of my busted foot so I've gained a bit of weight. I'm going to try and do some daily exercises to keep sharp. My girl and I went to the festival 2 nights ago. Last night we kind of had our first fight and it was about that night. We went out with different groups of friends and ended up hanging with her friends and mine, but with the added fact that her ex is part of her friendgroup. When they were a thing, she fully integrated into his circle and they have now become her friends. But he's still in said circle. So often they have to plan around those two to make sure they don't meet. She gets invited to most things, but the big stuff like parties or birthday, she gets skipped. Her friends bear no ill will at all. It's just to avoid drama. They hang out with her too, there's parties galore. It's just one of those things, I guess. So there's some tension. We went to see one of the bands and there was this tangible uncomfortableness. She was clearly being less physical with me than usual, no kissing, less dancing together or touching. I could feel she was holding back. I understand she felt like it would be disrespectful to rub his face in our relationship, I don't suggest we antagonize. But I was hurt and offended by the fact that she let what her ex needed come first. He's an emotional mess. Erratic, prone to outbursts, a real piece of work. He's never learned how to deal with how he feels and just pushes things away until he explodes. He is unable to date because of this and all of his friends know to take him with a grain of salt. A part of my pities him, he must be in such pain so often and unable to express himself. My girl is a trained psychologist and an altruist. She's the type of person that would let everybody else's needs come before her. And it's a part of her personality I admire, envy, dislike and cannot fathom. I used to be a huge people pleaser until I stopped maintaining unilateral relationships. I cut ties with every unhealthy bond, friend or family. I now have only friends and people I like, love and trust: symbiosis. But it seems that she is not like that and still cares for his wellbeing. I don't mean that I bear the dude ill will, I want him to be happy and healthy as I would any other random person. But he's hurt her. Often treated her like trash and she's taken his shit every time. He's fucked around and kept coming back to her. But she sees how tormented he is and wanted to fix him. She still does, I think. And I can't have that. The feelings of your ex have to place in a relationship with me. No quarter. I said that it shouldn't matter if he's there or not, prone to rage or not. He's in the past, I am the present. I'm not suggesting we go and flaunt, not at all. But I also don't think we should tone our joy down for him. But she feels like it would be disrespectful to him to not filter ourselves a little bit. And we don't seem to be able to come to an agreement on this. We're 2 different people after all. I say fuck it. He's had his chances with her and they broke up. He kept stringing her along and she kept trying to fix him. Our relationship is the polar opposite from what they had, but I'm sure she's not over him yet. I told her I'd walk away if there was ever a clear moment that she'd pick his wellbeing over me. I'm hurt, amazed and I feel like in second place by her. I understand she wants to help everybody, him included. But she's not responsible for him or how he feels. I don't feel like we should push him into the deep end, but I also don't think we should change our course to circumvent him and adapt our relationship or behaviour, based on what he needs. It was the first time I felt angry at her. We kept talking till pretty late. We went to bed eventually. We still love each other dearly, we kept repeating so. I really hope this thorn in my side will cause any real problems. I can understand and accept that we are two very different people with different views and backgrounds. I can't expect her to walk to my beat of the drum, or the other way around. I guess this is just one of those things that takes time, no? Recent highlight: The fight we had was super calm. We kept our cool, explained how we felt, why, what we thought and where that came from. At no point I felt one of us was taking things the wrong way or too personal. It seems like despite our differences, communication is not something I have to worry about in my relationship. Despite the fight, that's a pretty major silver lining. Budget status: I will soon fall back on 80% of my paycheck. I might get in trouble, actually. My one goal for the next 24h: See my grandpa because of his birthday today and buy him some cool new stuff for his garden. Also, probably talk more with the girlfriend tonight if we feel any awkwardness left in the air between us. I don't get the idea that the issue's been properly resolved.

Day 2. "Balance and FOMO." I'll call my doctor in a minute or two, set up an appointment and get the paperwork going for my administration. I'll get 80% of my original pay and I need to see if I'm allowed to do freelance stuff, since I'll be working from home in a completely different setting, so I should be fine in theory, but in practice I'm technically on paid sick leave... I hate paperwork.... My busted foot is healing well. I've been doing fine in physical therapy. And the music festival is still going on. I'm trying to take it easy and not go to the festival too much. But there's a lot of cool shit going and. I might just go over and take a peek later tonight. I'm trying to find a balance between relaxing and allowing myself to do nothing, and being productive enough to not feel bad. I'm the type of person who gets a part of their identity and self worth from what I do. Some people get it from how they are, but I get it from what I feel I have done or accomplished. Small stuff like ironing my clothes or bigger stuff like writing genius jokes for my comedy set. I feel like mentally healing will be a balance of the two. Not pushing myself to do all these things, but also not just becoming one with the couch. For now, it seems everything is going fine. Recent highlight: Started the morning out with an Egyptian dish called shakshuka, basically eggs and tomatoes. Tasty! And some ice coffee! Budget status: I should probably really put some time in this, one of these days. My one goal for the next 24h: My physical therapist gave me the green light to do a Lindy Hop workshop tomorrow with my girl. My busted foot is less busted than I think it seems. Some of my pain may be psychosomatic. Interesting experience. Never had any psychosomatic issues.

Day 1. "The happy void." So I'm quitting porn AGAIN. I also played a little flash game a day or two ago. I have learned that the bore-out has it claws deeper in me than I thought. And I'm facing a weird void. I was in bed with my girl and images of porn kept flashing in front of me. That. Was. Scary. I think I really need to quit and keep up the 90 days. So, today marks day 1, again. It freaked me out. It was unsettling. I had relapsed a few days and I guess I kept telling myself it was fine and that everybody needs a vice and that it wasn't hurting anybody. If I can't do it out of discipline this time around, I'll be sure to do it out of love and dedication to my relationship. It was very, very uncomfortable. I suddenly had a craving to play a game. I'm not sure where it came from. But I felt like it couldn't do any harm. I just wanted to have fun and relax. I was very careful about it and I don't really feel like it had a huge impact. It wasn't very special after all, just some game designed to simulate you unleashing a virus or disease on the world and trying to mutate and change it just right so it would infect everybody. Something fun and tactical. It was kind of nice. I don't really think it's a big deal, honestly. But I feel like I should report and mention it anyways. I went to the special doctor and he listened to my story. I was initially looking for a way to get out of the 6 weeks I'd still have to work at the company without losing unemployment money. I didn't think the bore-out was THAT big a deal. But he listened and then asked about my food intake, sleeping patterns, if I smoke, drink, ... And when he measured my blood pressure he mentioned that it was indeed clear that my body was under more stress than it could take. "Holy shit. Really?" He made sure I'll be home for another month and a half, to destress me. So I now have so much time to write my comedy, my radio program, to prep for more freelancing, ... But on the other hand, I notice that I'm so tired so easily. The to do list is never done. But I'm not supposed to do too much, I need to destress. I want to both use this gift of time that I've gotten to finally do what has been frustrating me for such a long time: working through all of my plans and projects. But I tend to overexert myself. So I still need to find some balance. Recent highlight: Last night I was supposed to just have 1 drink at the festival and go home. It became a hilarious, odd and fun evening. Budget status: I have no idea. Everything is a bit fuzzy in terms of planning suddenly. I've lost a sense of daily routine, it seems. My one goal for the next 24h: Don't do anything crazy, expensive or get drunk and party. I just want to relax and recharge a bit.

Oh cool! Great to see you back! The mountaineering, damn, that's an awesome achievement. You had to really bite down, but you did achieve something pretty cool. And it's cool to see that your academic career seems fine, I look forward to learning from what you accomplish. Honestly, the amounts of work you manage to do, it's inspiring. Sad to hear about the cult, though. But DAMN. Did you dodge a bullet or what?! I mean, it obviously sucks hard to see your friends and partner turn their back. But if I'm being really cold, I wouldn't want any cult-friends, I'd prefer real ones that are able to think critically in a time like this where we get slapped around the head with sourceless, unchecked info all the time. It's crazy that this happened to you, though. I hope that in time, the wounds will heal over and you'll be able to use this odd experience as a stepping stone to other, cooler stuff. On a side note, I just binged Boku No Hero Academia. I see now what the value of your forum nickname is. Also, don't be too hard or too demanding of yourself! You sound ambitious and you pull off crazy shit that I couldn't even dream of! But don't make the classic ambitious people mistake: biting off more than you can chew and trying to chew it anyways. I'd prefer it if you'd get to keep all your teeth ? Good luck in your season 2, bud!

Day 0. "Doctor's orders." Saw my regular doctor today. He gave me another two weeks and made a comment on expanding another two weeks if nescessary. I'm happy they seem to understand the situation and my bore-out/burnout. I'm seeing a special doctor on Monday, he's at home in all of the employment and sickness and wellfare laws. I'm right now trying to skip out on having to work for 6 more weeks after I resign. The special doctor could order my resignation to be medically nescessary and then I'd get unemployment money. If I just resign, I'd get nothing and my right to claim said money would be blocked for a while. My bill can't handle that. I'm going to try and update my resumé and give it a crisper look. A part of me wants to find a cool, creative job. But another part of me knows that it's a long-term thing and I'd better just find a stopgap. But I'm aware that that latter is exactly how I got here. If I do get the unemployment money, I'd be set for a few months. So long enough to properly get things going. I've been writing comedy more nowadays. I hope some of it is good enough to get some gigs. A couple of extra bucks here and there is always nice. I used to make about 100 per week just doing comedy. I'm pretty sure it's going to take me a while to get back up to that level. But now that I'm at home and able to rest and relax a bit more, my creative juices just flow more naturally. I'm looking forward to my writing session on Monday. I want to work on my radio program. Recent highlight: Last night felt amazing. Fancy wine, free cocktails, ... I love birthday parties. Budget status: Right now, I'm focussing on cleaning up my place. Figuring out the budget is on the menu. Just not right now. I planned it for the end of the month. I guess we'll have some clarity by then as to what my income will be like. My one goal for the next 24h: Go have fun with my friends tonight and enjoy the festivities. Also don't get too drunk, because I'm still a bit hungover from the cocktails.

Damn dude. Thank you so much. That's amazing. Holy hell... You're right, though. I'm always so eager to get right back up on that horse, but I tend to ignore the torn ligaments that need healing from the previous time the horse threw me off. One of the things I've been learning is to find some peace, to rest. I guess it's in order right here, right now. I hope my two doctors appointments in the next few days will reflect that. I'd LOVE to be able to get away with a few months at home, with an sickness/unemployment income so I don't have to worry about bills. Fingers crossed, I guess?

Day 0. "Think of something funny" Last week has been a blur of porn, anime and I don't even remember what... My doctor gave me 2 weeks at home. The first week was just spent in a daze. I barely remember. I can feel the monkey on my back egging me on to find another way of getting my fix. I still want to quit porn, at least once for 90 days, at the very least to prove to myself that I actually can. The longest streak I've done is 45. I guess I am burnt out. Just looking for anything and everything to make me feel better. I've been picking myself up slowly. I will see the doctor in two days and probably have my absence prolonged with another 2 weeks. Honestly, it's been flying by. I've been coming out of my daze for just about 2-3 days. I stay inside a lot too. Curtains drawn. Standing up little by little. I've now done groceries, written some comedy, make a 'plan of attack' (kind of) to quit or get fired or use the doctor to make a medical statement telling them that I'm psychologically no longer able to work for them, and find another job asap, just anything to pay the bills. I'd prefer to find something proper, but I'll probably have to settle for less and see how long I can maintain the crappy part- time job. I'll try and update the resumé in a way that reflects my creative side, but right now it feels like a huge assignment and I have no idea how to tackle it. Little by little, I guess? I'm trying to go task by task. Getting groceries and cooking is an accomplishment. Finishing all of the dishes too. I'm now at doing all of my clothes and ironing them. Next on the menu is stuff for the podcast and today I've been writing jokes for my stand up set. I've been binging comedy and I'm looking forward to performing stand up. I haven't had that feeling in ages. A part of me is starting to look at the creative work I endeavour as a means of survival. I'll die mentally in an office, behind a customer service counter or in a call center. I HAVE to make sure I'm funny. Thank god I perform well under pressure. I've been asking myself how this was able to come about. What burnt me out? The lingering feeling of 'I don't belong.'? The monotony or the colleagues who were just véry different from me? The way they treated me? I know I'm rather stubborn and want things my way often. I'm not sure. All I know is that right now I'm looking for short term options. Long term, we can still change and mold the future. But right now I gotta make sure I can pay the bills and I don't starve. I'm about to take a two-week-long plunge in a huge festival. Once a year my entire city, yes, literally, the entire city, turns into a music festival. Every single location that could be called a square or plaza, every big parking lot or pedestrian area, ... It all gets transformed into a festival/music/performance area. It's an insane thing to experience. Most locals save up their days off of work to got 3 weeks of this madness. Half a week to get provisions and prep. 2 weeks of mayhem and music. Another half a week to recover. I'm probably financially not in the best of states to afford to binge. And mentally there's the issue that I'm likely to flee into the chaos instead of face my issues. But I've really been making progress the past few days. I'm sure it won't go overboard. I hope. Recent highlight: I've been writing comedy. I'll try to get a solid 10 minute set out of it and see if I can get some open mics to test my stuff this summer somewhere. It's been ages but I finally enjoy it a bit more and I'm now more myself, more authentic. Budget status: Still haven't looked at the budget. I guess the most important factor here is just covering the bills and seeing where my next influx of mula is going to be coming from. My one goal for the next 24h: I want to have another productive day tomorrow. I'm getting used to doing stuff again instead of moping around. I also have a fun birthday party coming up with loaaaads of free booze. I am going to try to not get too fucked up because I have a doctor's appointment the next morning and the next evening I'm meeting my friends for said festival. I'm thinking of bringing a flask to keep expenses low.

Day 28. "Exile." So today I'll start my process of trying to get away from the office. Normally, I'd hand in my resignation and look for another job. I'm required by law to work a few more weeks before I officially am done at the office and I'm allowed a day or two within those weeks to go to interviews. But I'm so spent, hollowed out and stressed, I can't friggin' lift a finger on off days. So the doctor told me about resignation based on medical reasons. She's given me two weeks to take a breather and I've made an appointment within 2 weeks to see if two more weeks are in order. So in theory I have about a month to get my ducks in a row. That's one month to update my resumé and find either a good job or at least a tolerable job or part-time to pay the bills, re-up my energy levels and keep trying to get that career in public speaking or entertainment or whatever. Something fun and creative that gives me a sense of accomplishment, something that helps people grow and helps make the world a little bit of a better place, one babystep at a time. But that's not so easy. I'm trying to get into a situation where I can apply for government money while I'm without a job. But that requires your to be fired, not have resigned yourself. But if I resign because of medical reasons, and psychological stress would potentially be one of those, I'd get to resign, not have to work those extra weeks and still get the unemployment cash; that's what we're aiming for. I need to stay strong in my resolve and try to never go back to that place. I can feel my bones quiver, my stomach ache and my brain scatter and hurt when I think about it. The idea of working another day there, makes my physically sick. They're rude, harsh, closed minded and frankly a bunch of bullies and enablers. They can't help it, it's the way they're raised. But I won't stand for it and I deserve better. If they're going to treat me like crap for 2 years, I'm going all out on this. I still need to do some research on the paperwork, though. But I'm planning on getting those 2 extra weeks at home and use that time to figure out how to pull this off without financially ruining myself and also not have to go to that office anymore. Recent highlight: A friend approached me, heard about the radio program I'd be doing and volunteered her technical skills as an audio editor. Budget status: Because of all the stress, I've been postponing quite a few things. Making my budget algorythm is one of them. But that's okay. It's understandable. I need to recover first. My one goal for the next 24h: I have a gig tonight working as an entertainer for Coca-Cola tonight at a music festival. It's my first time working with the entertainment company that booked me and I'm aiming for making a lasting and positive impression. I went to interview there a couple of months back. I wasn't hired but they remembered me and want to use my skills freelance.

Hahaha, it's actually a quote from Suckerpunch! ^^

Update - The doctor told me it would be healthy to stay home for a while. I'm home for this week and the next. I'll try to get some sleep today and try to get my shit sorted over the next few days. Though this is lovely and I can now take a breather, suddenly the weight of the entire 'achieving your dream'-thing falls onto my shoulders and it's a bit insane. When did I get so easy to stress out?

Day 27. "Couldn't go back to that place." Yesterday was my girlfriend's birthday. We had ice cream, bbq and a Marvel movie. I tried my best to keep all of my emotions about the office inside of me, didn't want to ruin the moment. I have prepared a big surprise for her this weekend so it wasn't that crazy of a day. But this Sunday I will get all of her friends together and go to an animal park. She loves those. Anyway, I had a productive day, in a weird sense. I have been postponing updating the resume and actually taking steps in improving the career situation. I notice that right now, I work part-time. And whereas normally I would use the off days to further my career and do my creative work, I now have to use these to recover from being at the office. Torment. So not a lot of progress... I really need to escape the office. Last night I dreaded going back to it so much, I couldn't sleep. This morning, I had a headache and major stomach cramps. I called in sick, blamed it on bad bbq food. But I know it's stress and psychological stuff. Psychosomatic symptoms they call those, I believe. I'm seeing a doctor tonight. I secretly hope he'll just put me on sick leave for a long time, like for a burnout. I feel like if I quit right now, I'd still fucking die or something because I'd still have to work there for 4 more weeks and then I'd be nowhere. I need time to both recover from all of this bullshit and also to set the next step right. I'm thinking of starting a business of my own, as a presentation teacher. Teaching and coaching people to become a good public speaker, how to give presentations, how to dress, ... But you need money for that. So I need another part-time job like the one I'm doing right now. Only a good one that won't bore or burn me out. Every tiny task, like updating my resumé, feels like lifting a giant boulder because I feel so emptied out. Recent highlight: Girlfriend woke up in the middle of the night and noticed me scrolling my phone, had a good conversation about how I felt, despite it being 2 am. Bless her. Budget status: FINALLY GOT MY COMPUTER BACK. HOLY SHIT. Time to make an actual proper schedule, limit my spendings and try to maximize my income! My one goal for the next 24h: Get the doctor to put me on sick leave for as long as fucking possible, if not, try to find ways to cope. Update the resumé, get intel on my options and try to attack this situation like one of those giants from 'Attack on Titan'.

Day 26. "Weekend off." I stepped away from the leaderboard of the Duolingo app. The progress I make in Japanese with the app and the feeling of accomplishment it gives me is unreal. But the leaderboard is bad juju. I realize that now and will now ignore it. If I can't and it's giving me true trouble, I'll delete the app and find another way to learn Japanese. It's not worth the risk and stress. I spent the entire weekend at my girlfriend's parent's. Super nice people. I got a little drunk here and there, so it showed a few sides of me they hadn't seen yet. I spent 72 hours together with the girlfriend so she's seen me annoyed, hangry, ... for the first time. Everything went well, though, no worries! It just confirmed that I'm human and that I don't pretend to be somebody else I'm not anymore. It was lovely, all of it. The nature, we went kayaking, played minigolf, ate soooo much food. We've been talking about living together and our future. We both agree that living together is going to be amazing, fun and will solve a lot of practical and logistic problems. We both feel like it'd be a good move for us. But it will also show the other every little dirty side of our personality. It will be naked. Suddenly you pick up on how addicted I am to my morning coffee, or how she never ever stops talking. How she's not really a big go-getter and I see 1.000.000 goals and I want to get all of them. Despite it all, I strongly feel like this is a healthy and communicative relationship. We talk about things, are open, happy and loving. We care a lot for each other and it shows. We're both very popular with each other's friends and families. The entire world could collapse around me, but seeing her face would still make me smile. And I needed that. Her, the smile, the entire weekend, I sorely needed it. I got so angry, stressed and frustrated at work, I almost went into a superior's office to scream that I quit. I need to get out of that place asap. Screw the money and stability, it's not worth my mental health and sanity. There's a million crappy jobs nearby. I'll just temp or something, holy shit. I think it's because my way of looking at life has changed so much recently. I am way more confident and know what I want more nowadays. I got so close to that amazing mindfuck of a job recently, that my current situation is no longer good enough for me. I deserve more and better. I'm not doing myself any favors by staying here. There's no promotion, certificate or anything else that I could put on my resumé waiting for me. I've gotten everything out of it that I could. I'm going to update my CV today and look at what the options are. I just hope that that moment of screaming that I quit will not happen this week. I used to not care about the job. Now I'm starting to find myself hating it. I always knew it was a bad place for me. I just chalked it up to being a nescessary evil and turned off my emotions. But I'm human and have limits. They finally started getting under my skin, and that's where I draw the line and leave. Recent highlight: We kayaked in the middle of nature, a bit of a breeze, the shining sun, rustling leaves, chirping birds, ... Pure bliss and peace. Budget status: I'm really starting to feel how important my pc is. The computing power of this replacement one my gf is lending me is bullshit. I feel way less productive with this temporary setup. I'll be looking for a new job or making one of my own (thinking about entrepreneurship). I really need my computer back for stuff like that. My one goal for the next 24h: Try not to lose my shit at work tomorrow.

Thanks man, you too @fawn_xoxo. I put the app a bit to rest, at least the leaderboard aspect of it. I can now order food, explain what I eat or don't eat, tell time and use a bit more complex phrases like explaining you don't want to go to work or telling somebody at what hour you usually eat. I can read hiragana, katakana and some kanji. The progress is insane. I have now just set the app to give me a little ping to remind me to take my daily dose of Japanese, just a few minutes, like 15 a day. I'm going to put the leaderboard in the 'stuff to avoid' column. I talked to my girlfriend, she's a Master in Psychology, and she too thinks it's bad for me and reminiscent of the addictive behaviour. I agreed to put the app down for a day or two, let the winning streak die and just focus on learning the language. That is a reward in itself. I am starting to be able to listen to full fluidly pronounced sentences and understand what they mean. It won't be very long before I start watching anime and japanese tv, movies or series and at a certain point in the future, i'll try turning the subtitles off :) I'll keep using the app, learning more words and phrases, and will ignore the leaderboard functionality. Thank you two for helping me put some worries to rest. I was indeed stressing out a bit too much over it but I realize it comes from a place of taking care of myself and being vigilant. That's a pretty positive thing.

Day 21. "Everything is an addiction." I'm hooked on this app called 'Duolingo'. I always wanted to learn Japanese. It gives me a daily 10 minute dose of Japanese and I've been progressing rather fast. I pick stuff like this up very quickly. It's how I'm able to impersonate accents and other people's voices. There's just this quirk in my brain. Seeing as I relapsed 3 weeks ago, I figured I'd hack my brain and it's reward system! It would be as some kind of controlled replacement drug and it'd teach me Japanese. Now, there's also this leaderboard and it's woken up my competitive streak. I don't care about the ingame money. I care about learning new words and getting that sweet number 1 spot. I was doing this for a week or two when I noticed that to keep up the pace with the others on the leaderboard, I had to spend several hours on the app... I have been number one on the bronze, silver, gold and now saphire leagues. I make efforts to maintain it all. And suddenly I realized it's very similar to my time as a gamer. The addiction to increase that highscore, the rush of beating somebody else... I'm on the fence. How serious should I take this behaviour of mine? I feel progress in Japanese, major progress even! But I'm scared this is, just like porn was, another way to keep the addiction online. I even used to have a sextoy in the house and I threw that away because it scared me how often I would use it. I feel like I'm this junkie who, if I can't use video games or porn, would find just about ànything to satify the needs of my badly wired brain. I'm happy I threw the sextoy away. But a part of me thinks it's an overreaction. Isn't literally everybody in life addicted to feeling good in some way? Some use performing comedy or food as a way to get that rewards mechanism going, others use gaming. I quit gaming because I felt like it was hurting my life's potential and my career. But after that I quit porn because it used the same artificial ways that games or some app would use to 'force' happy-hormones out of your brain. For the first time in so many years of this, I'm actually scared. Is this just who I am? Is this how humans are? Am I overthinking this so much that I ruin things I could enjoy if I were to just worry less about them? Recent highlight: The podcast session last night was a true knockout. I look very forward to the reactions. Budget status: I try to postpone every purchase I have to do. When I get my computer back, hopefully this week, I'll try to work out a system to see how much I can afford on what. That should help and will also make me feel a bit more in control. My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy the date and the movie with my lovely girlfriend. And do my best to have a good dnd session tomorrow evening.

Day 19. "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." I"ve been thinking of my projects. The vlogs, comedy, photography and my other million ideas. I'm starting to come down from my sadness and returning to normal. I have a summer to write a comedy set, an episode of my potential new radio show, and so on... I have a lot of work cut out for me. Which is cool. But sadly it's all a long term investment instead of an immediate payout. I could really use the money right now. I probably will have to skip out on some cool summer festivals, parties, ... I went out all weekend and spent over 100 bucks on food and drinks. In that sense my girl is a horrible influence. She's very living la vida loca. Lots of FOMO. I'm lucky I'm a bit more chill at at peace. I can spend a week just staying at home and working on my projects and that will fulfill me. If I have a week with nothing in my calendar, I have faith that it will not go to waste. I used to spend all that time playing games. Now I do actually useful stuff that make me feel good about myself. I am social, though. But I'm more the guy that get asked to go out. I'm not the guy that asks to come. I'm a dude who agrees to come. But she's different. She has all these places she wants to go, people she wants to meet. And though I'm up for it because I like having fun and am open and adventurous. I also notice I spend lots of money by accident because I'm impulsive and a type that enjoys life a lot. I splurge easily. It's always been easier for me to not go out instead of grow enough discipline to actually contain those impulses. I'm trying to be more mindful of this and try to push her away a little bit more. She can be a little bit clingy. And though that's okay, I need to be aware of that and set and respect my own boundaries. My computer is still busted but should return in a few days. It's been a big setback. My whole world is on there. It's like a room of my apartment has been taken out, suddenly. I can live without it obviously, but everyhing was set right where I wanted it to be. I had my screentime limiting apps, I had everything I needed where I needed it. It's annoying to not have it. I feel like I'm less productive, less in the zone. I spent the day with family yesterday. We had a huge talk about my aunt dying. It was incredibly cathartic. Mourning is a very personal and complicated experience. Recent highlight: Seeing and meeting a local band I'm a big fan of and getting a picture with them. Also my podcast got mentioned as the number one thing to listen to in an article of a student magazine of a big city. Mind=blown. Budget status: Eh. Ouch. As soon as I get my PC back, I'm starting a money plan. I've been keeping track of my budget for half a year now. I can turn all that info into an algorythm, a system and use that to figure out how much I have to save, how much I can spend and what my monthly minimum wage would have to be from freelancing to remain healthy. But I need my computer back. My one goal for the next 24h: Have a productive day today and try not to let my spirit get broken at work tomorrow.

Hahaha, I love this line XD Thanks, man. Lots of people around me, both professionals and just random friends, keep saying the same thing. You have gotten so many noes at points where you could have had your big break. That means there's been so many moments you could have had a big break. That means there will easily be more of those moments. So all you gotta do is keep it up and be lucky. Or something like that.