Vera

@BooksandTrees I've read your long post. You don't like yourself and you don't see what in you is worth liking. All you wrote is about external things - other people, porn, gaming, sugary foods. And you depend on them to get your fix. Nothing from the list is going to satisfy you completely. Imo you have to treat your anxiety first and you have to go to a doctor about that. There's nothing shameful in getting the help you need. Calm your anxiety and overthinking, balance your diet (prepare snacks to chew on as well, you gonna need it), go to the gym and use your body's perfectly natural way to get you some happiness. Or pick any other activity, but I'd go to the gym first so you get fit and don't suck so much when you shift to a sport later. And start noticing good things about yourself. Force yourself to find a way to praise yourself for things you did right today. You need to be your own cheerleader all the time. No one cares, but if you know you did well, nothing else matters.

I didn't sleep well today. Woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall asleep for a long time. Lots of thoughts ran through my mind and this was so exhausting. I am fighting with myself because I've started to obsess over certain things in my head in English and I have to make conscious effort to stop and switch back to Russian. I got up tired from the very fact that I'm alive and have to breathe and move. My life didn't seem very appealing to me in the morning. I noticed that reading Seneca's letters helps me. He never wastes time talking about pointless things and he's the best writer I've encountered so far. I noted down this quote: 'Do you ask what is the foundation of a sound mind? It is not to find joy in useless things'. Is that what happiness gurus are talking about? How to determine if a thing is useless?.. I have lots of questions. The gym gave me so much joy again. This time was a lot harder, but I enjoyed it. I was fighting against my physical and mental weakness, doing uncomfortable things in front of other people. I found out nobody paid any attention to me and that's what I need. I will eventually get to know people, that's inevitable, but the main thing I want to make is myself. A good body and a strong mind. I am still taking sedative. I need help to manage stress, but it gets better. I was so afraid to lose him. And I lost him, and I'm alive and I breathe and smile and laugh and do way more than before. I tormented myself beforehand, but it turns out there's nothing to be so sad about. I've made a fuel out of my pain and I'm going to burn it all away.

@BooksandTrees I'm glad you recognized me. Yeah, I feel the need to write long posts and Discord isn't entirely suitable for that. Thank you. Hope the experience will be good for both of us!

@BigOlBeartic how's it going? I definitely feel the impact from my visit to the gym, but it's not painful, just a bit of tension in my legs. Wouldn't say the day was great, but it wasn't bad either. I don't wear makeup too often, so I thought that a bit of mascara would be a nice addition. It turns out I can't wear that particular mascara all day, it makes my eyes itchy and tired. I was also very disappointed by how the work day ended, we were forced to discuss really stupid orders which are going to be, well, implemented. I didn't see any point in talking about stuff that haven't been written by people who actually understand what they are doing. Ended up one hour late. Got a headache. I finally started the course on Excel and I am enjoying it. I find a lot of things similar to SQL and I think that's cool. I actually started to pay a lot more attention to little details of a program, I always think something like 'hey, this button looks cool and this feature is really comfortable, the guy who made it must be really clever!'. I don't know why I do that. I also got disappointed that I can't use Excel on Linux. It's a bit silly, but I do not like Windows because of how easy it is to install games. It's time to go to sleep. I just learned that 10% of 2019 are already gone, but I don't feel sad about it. I just want to make my days meaningful and full without constant worrying and comparing myself to other people.

@BooksandTrees but you're still doing it! You're still trying and it's really cool!

@BooksandTrees hey, you are doing well no matter what. Quitting gaming and porn and trying to manage your anxiety all at the same time is tough, so don't forget to praise yourself for every step you take in the right direction. Small changes add up.

Hello! Hiding in a game world won't change anything for you. So try and get back to life. You will make it. What you feed to your mind is going to determine what you think. Get rid of gaming related content such as news, streams, social media groups. This will help you a lot.

@Lea hello! Your diary is inspiring, you notice details and describe them so well! I look forward to reading more of it.

@killua145 i think you will benefit from checking out the course Learning how to learn on Coursera. Since you are studying a lot, I guess you will find a couple of helpful tips there.

I thought I won't make it to the gym. The morning was awful. I slept fairly well and woke up in a better mood, tried to eat, but failed. I was so weak people started to ask me if I'm sick. But things got better, I ate a good part of my lunch. I'm still a bit nauseous from eating, I think it's because I'm still stressed. Well, I did go to the gym and I liked it. I disconnected from everything and just enjoyed being there, walking on a treadmill and watching people. I chose 'Hills' from the treadmill's presets and I was climbing hill after hill, thinking that I am not going to give up. I'll get through whatever life throws at me. I see my obstacle becoming the way right before my eyes. That's what Stoicism is talking about, and that's my chance to prove it. I decided I need help and guidance from a professional to make a routine which won't hurt me. My next time to go to the gym is Friday, 6 PM. Can't wait for it! I was really happy after I got back from the gym. I'm in a good mood and ready to fall asleep. It was a good day!

Hello! You did well on exam, that's great! 10 hours in one day look like a lot, so take breaks or you risk to burn yourself out. Take good care of yourself!

Thank you! I never had a powerful pc, so no gaming rig.. I already made a habit out of getting up and doing the stuff I need to keep myself clean. I still struggle a bit with my room, but I'm working on it. The unconditional love is hard. I can't really force myself to love myself, so to say, at least right now. All I can do is to make sure I won't get sick from being stressed out. Yeah, since I have to fight for my survival, I must be strong! I will get over it and move on.

Hello everyone! Some of you definitely know me because I'm a member of the Discord chat under the same name (my previous nickname - Farant). For those who don't - my name is Vera, I'm 25 years old, female, from Russia. My English isn't particularly great, so don't mind my mistakes, please. I felt the need to start journaling after something bad happened in my personal life just yesterday. I've been journaling for more than 10 years on paper, so I know the drill. I'm afraid to touch my journal right now, I'll get back to it later when I'm ready. I've been a gaming addict for several years, abandoned gaming and the internet entirely for a couple of months, but it didn't really help a lot. Games were my escape from reality. I think I started thinking about it seriously last spring, became familiar with GameQuitters on Youtube. I used to play very niche online game with the toxic community, servers that died every now and then, the game was very addictive. I quit only when I got really angry at myself for wasting so much time on nothing. As time went on, I've joined Discord, did about 40 days out of 90, relapsed multiple times and eventually decided I want to play, but only one game because of my boyfriend. But the game gave me strong motion sickness, I didn't like it and I already deleted it, so I have nothing on my hard drive. I enjoy keeping an aquarium, knitting, programming, reading, journaling (obviously). I’m into Stoicism, I’m far from perfect but I’m using every opportunity to learn more and apply it in my life. I can’t say my life is empty, but I feel empty right now. I have the chance to turn it 180 degrees. I decided I’ll go to the gym once again and just try to be social, let it be the first step. It will help me hold on and not give in to depression right away. I’ve also asked my friend to go to the cinema with me when the new How to train your dragon comes out. The more I reach out to people, the more I realize I have friends I can count on. So here I am, day one. I’ve prepared things I need for the gym, tried to eat (not very successful, but better than nothing) and it’s time to go to sleep.