Vera

@BooksandTrees I'm getting ready to look for a new job! I need some skills and my current job is forgiving enough so I can study while at work. Once I'm done, I'll leave immediately. There's nothing holding me back except fear of not finding better job. I've worked there for so long it's hard to imagine myself leaving, but that's not really true. The more I work the more I understand that my current job is a dead-end, and it won't be better with time, it's going to be only worse. My keyboard has come and it's funny how easy it is to type on. I have to adapt to how it works, it's a bit strange but I like it. Hope it works well for a long time.

Oh well, I'm able to post again. Don't even know where to start. My new year celebration wasn't anything special mostly because I was drop dead tired from working overtime whole December. I've worked for 9 days straight before new years and all I wanted was to lay down and sleep. I also got sick, had to take medicine which was extremely unpleasant and quite painful. After dealing with one illness I discovered that I had another one, and symptoms got me so worked up I left work today and spent most of the day at hospitals. Doctor prescribed one medicine and this pill makes me feel like I am drunk. I can't focus and my coordination is so low I can barely type which is very very sad. This pill has the longest side effects list I've ever seen in my life and it seems I'm going go meet most of them if not all. If there are girls reading - keep yourself warm and manage your stress levels, girls, I suffer because my work environment isn't that warm most of the time and it was a hell of a month. I have to take it for 10 days 2 times a day which means I'll feel like that at work, it's another pretty sad thing. When I came at work today, whole room was stinking of cat piss and rotten food. I don't know who allowed cats inside, but I know who allowed to open the door while cats were outside and to be honest I'm really surprised with how stupid this person is, but wait. I am not surprised at all. It's kinda their normal state - to be arrogant and claim they are always right, and judge other people. I have some good news as well. I've got SSD and re-installed Linux. I feel like I have new PC now, it works fast and I'm happy about it.

Nice weekend! I discovered a nice site that lets you touch type competitively, and I enjoy doing it. Looks like I can't type more than 180 symbols per minute so I'm extremely slow, but I keep it simple and don't rush. I have to hone my skills and speed will come. I finished the series and I'm absolutely content with how it ended, nice happy ending. @BooksandTrees thank you!

Oh busy weeks! I work endlessly and have no time or strength to do something else other than caring for my fishes and watching series. I honestly enjoy watching series, but I won't do that after I finish this one. I gave away Endlers to the local fish shop and my goal is to breed white cloud minnows when spring comes. It's going to be my first time raising fish from eggs. I am also so anxious about the keyboard that i keep checking tracking obsessively, but no new info comes up. Guess I'll receive it after new year. I got a bit sick this week, had unusual weakness, but it disappeared after a few days. I also have persistent pain under my left knee that keeps popping up whenever I walk for a long time. Don't know what this is.

@BooksandTrees it breaks my heart to see you are so sad. But there's no point to regret the past, you can't get back, you can only keep living. You have a chance if you keep fighting. Tell me how your usual day looks like? You mentioned you were teaching kids and doing some hobbies and it made you feel better.

@BooksandTrees you might gain some peace once your conditions are better, you sleep well and eat well. Let's hope it gets better when you're settled in a new place.

Our life is the process, so you'll be on the move till your death. What matters is if you have peace inside you, and if you do how can a mere move disturb you?

@BooksandTrees I'll get my money back if keyboard won't come but that would be very annoying to wait for a long time and get nothing in return.

@BooksandTrees you're moving to a better place, you just got a promotion! People ruin their lives for all kinds of reasons but you don't need to be angry because they fuck everything up. They're addicted, poor and afraid to change, and their community wants them to stay like that, earn more virtual coins but lose their precious time. Don't touch them if they refuse to listen to you. Don't waste your energy on them. Move on.

@BooksandTrees congratulations! I'm glad your hard work paid off, lots of interesting projects ahead! ? @goodvibes I like how his right arm looks - Einstein isn't a common tattoo.

First work week after vacation is over. That was tiring, lots of working overtime, but mostly boring. I made nice progress in touch typing while waiting for another pile of documents to come. I think my skill is still pretty low but I'm improving every day. I bought humble bundle of books on programming and data science, it has some projects I'd like to do so I decided to invest in myself. Managed to go to the gym just once this week, should be able to go tomorrow. December is going to be busy but I believe I can still make it to the gym at least two times a week, especially if I prepare everything beforehand. My mechanical keyboard is stuck somewhere, haven't received any notifications about it for several days but that's okay.

Hey, keep going, you'll get better. You need to hold on for couple days more, Matt! It's not annoying, it's your place, feel free to write everything out.

@Avnat Netzer Haha, I'm going to leave a short review here when I get i, hope it'll help you! @ismailkanaan thank you for your suggestions! I already implemented some of them and life looks better now. I had really hard time falling asleep last night. It seems than this amino-acid I've been taking made me too agitated. I then decided to take another pill to counter this one and oh my I felt those two chemicals fighting over control! ? I fell asleep but it was too late. First work day after vacation was good. Though my keyboard is so bad I bought another one because my fingers hurt at the end of the day. Honestly, I was happy to be back to work. I felt lonely on vacation, spent way too much time alone. I missed that constant buzz and people going back and forth!

@BooksandTrees I'd break the lease and move out. New apartment sounds amazing, would be great if you get it!

Feels great to be back to the gym! Finally! I haven't done much, but I made a step in the right direction.

Mechanical keyboard. I've got several coupons so it's going to be cheaper than in the local shop. I had really good morning today. Didn't start to use my phone right away but did useful stuff instead (including massage).

My vacation is pretty boring, but I am cool with it. I like calm days and I enjoy taking a break from work. I'm waiting for Black Friday on Aliexpress, wanna order something I've wanted for a long time.

@BooksandTrees glad to hear you're doing better! Gym is not a place where people are going to pay lots of attention to you, unless you know them already or talk to them regularly. Don't worry, start small and enjoy ?

@BooksandTrees Here it is!

@BooksandTrees do something about your apartment, it's not good at all. If you can't, move out. It's not the last one apartment available. Vegan diet is honestly not a good choice. Maybe as a way to ginger things up, try new food, but not a long-term solution, way too strict and missing many nutrients. And food allergy is very serious, do your tests asap BEFORE you do anything with your diet. Would you keep a diary? If yelling gets things out of your system, you can do so by writing(typing) them out on a regular basis. If you read a bit about skin care, you'll discover that you need 3 steps to keep your skin in good condition - clean, tone, moisturize. I saw a lot of benefits from using night cream as well, so there'll be day cream and night cream. You'll also need peeling (gentle one based on acids, not a scrub, apply once or twice a week) and maybe couple of masks if you want to have some fun looking at yourself in the mirror ?. Clay ones are very good, last a century. It can be tricky to find cosmetic that your skin likes, so don't forget to test everything for allergy before you buy. Also, pure 'organic' hair care products made my hair dull and dry, and negatively impacted my skin, so use with caution. Your plan looks good, especially self-care parts. Be patient and persistent, stick to your plan, things will get better.

@BooksandTrees no, you don't! And I'm not afraid of you, you won't belittle me more than my family does, so relax. ? Is that normal for your work to take up all your time so you don't have time to bathe? Matt, your work schedule should be humane, you don't have to live at work and sacrifice everything to it. It is NOT good! You hate everything when you aren't selfish to take good care of yourself... You're building your life around things that are out of your control and hating them because they aren't how you like them to be -> your life crumbles. Maybe you're just so tired that you don't want to stop and consider if it's worth your hate. And people don't notice your sacrifices 99% of the time so why bother when they do what they're supposed to? Do something for them out of pleasure, not because you want something in return. You're desperate for some kindness, not for thank you. Please, you need to, you must be good to yourself before you are good to others. Don't post at all if you want, leave the forum if you want, but work normal hours, bathe, eat, sleep, cook, do your hobbies, meet new people and be gentle (don't hate them because they're not perfect, don't take it personally). Make it into a fucking schedule, set is as wallpapers everywhere, write it on your mirror, but do it.

So it's okay and I'm not falling apart ? Good, thank you! Been busy watching fishes. Caught myself that I want too much too soon, they barely started taking food and coming out of their hiding place. They're truly gorgeous though. This fish is overlooked by the community in favor of other species, which is understandable but sad. I can't decide if the fish with dark spot on its back is male or female, I'm very curious about that. I believe I'll be able to offer them much bigger tank when summer comes. I read about nootropics. Didn't think about taking any supplements other than vitamins, but I couldn't seem to make myself do anything productive, and it's partly because I didn't feel like my brain is even working. I chose simple amino-acid which is cheap and can be found anywhere. Tbh I can feel the effect. It's 9pm, brain fog disappeared, I feel bit sleepy, but I know I can work for an hour if I choose so.

I'm honestly bored. Sooo bored! Didn't get a good sleep tonight and really nothing makes me happy. I have no desire to work so haven't touched anything tonight. Went for a walk, it's been cold and windy. I tried massage, and it hurts like hell. Everyone says to me it should get better after some time (10 times, I've only went through 4) but I'm in so much pain I can't enjoy it. I'm just waiting for it to end, barely making it through 20 minutes. It makes me sad because it's supposed to be an enjoyable, relaxing experience... not for me. ?

My vacation is going okay. Dentist said my tooth should be healing well from now on, CT scan showed nothing weird, so I can relax. I got 7 new fishes, they're called White Cloud mountain minnow, they're living with 4 tiny Endlers, and they're beautiful, golden body and red fins. I had a very sad experience with galaxy rasboras, all 10 died eventually, but these guys are very similar (twice as big though). I bought only 3 at first but decided I want more. My little tank became very lively and fun to watch, there's something happening all the time: Endlers displaying to each other (no females so boys are having fun by themselves), shrimps crawling back and forth, minnows usually chilling above the moss pile or catching their prey on the surface.

Haha, that's my mom too. She's obsessed with cakes atm and it's stretching my self-control to have so much sweet stuff around the house. :(