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Everything posted by Rualani

  1. Detox(34) Nofap(13) Poms(5) FOOD(Ate moRE CHINES E FU:CK) UGH WORK SO HARD UGH So, today was better. This dance thing I'm going to really is a driver of good feels for me. But, every-time before I go, I almost convince myself not to. It's like... I don't get it. I make such a big deal out of these things because I perceive myself as being unwanted, disgusting, and a total drag on others. I guess my fear is becoming a little less vague. I still don't know how I'm continually going.
  2. Detox(33) Nofap(12) Poms(0) Spent time with family. State got worse. Food? Alcohol? Family? I don't know. Something is weakening me when I'm around them though. Something... draining me. I must become independent and create a new environment. I don't know what went wrong with their environment. But for now, I'm going to say it's dangerous to me. Too many of those experiences and I'll withdrawal away from the few things I'm doing to try and improve. And if I give up on improvement, I will surely become less attractive. Psychologically, Socially, Culturally, Energetically, Physically, Spiritually, all of it. If that happens. I won't make it.
  3. Detox(32) Nofap(11) Poms(4) Fastfood(rest of chinese) Work: I SPENT ALL MY TIME WRESTLING MY SEXUAL URGES. AHHHHHH. I just wanted to, hnghh, FOCUS and get my data science competition score higher. I wanted to USE XGBOOST. BUT NO, COULDN'T EVEN. *sigh* So, I've been doing this weird thing with libido. Kind of like, using dance, yoga, tai-chi -SOMETHING- motions to distribute the libido throughout the body. Like, Sort of following the energy flow and trying to psychically take it back from my fucking balls. It's fun and productive feeling to redistribute it, but it really doesn't help my focus up. If I can figure out how to deal with that issue maybe.
  4. Detox(31) ????(10) Poms(1) Fastfood(yes): Chinese :< Work: Blegh Score: Gotta be able to perform under pressure. So... I did a kind a performance today. Apparently a fraternity was auctioning themselves out as a ... date? Or something? And yeah, we danced and stuff. It was CRAZY. But honestly, all I really saw was a giant light glaring in my face. Judging me, silently. Anyways, in review... I think I find myself slightly regretful. The show was on and over in a flash and it really felt like I wasn't 'present' with the dance. I just remember trying to find my spot int the formation desperately instead of channeling energy (if that's possible). Also, VERY HARD to fit in this social world. Not really surprising and personally I am pretty sure there is 0% chance of me belonging in any way. I'm not sure I can even change it ,but if I quit nothing will happen FOR SURE.
  5. Detox(30) ????(10) Poms(4) Food: (2) Work: (3) Score: Give yourself a pat on the back, for the journey has just started and plenty of hills to climb. Correlating Thoughts: this itchy itchy scalp, that I decry I just wanted Qdoba, is that so wrong. But, I didn't cook, I didn't even try. Haven't had a decent plan in so long So transparent these issues may be, pound for pound, they take a piece out of me. Willpower or strength Mindfulness or courage Which of these is the key? What would it ever take, to be dandruff free TL:DR Fast food sucks.
  6. Detox(29) ????(9) So, just practiced dance for 5 frigging hours. It was fantastic. Being part of a team and improving a series of coordinate physical movements is really fun. But.. Goddamnit, I can't stop thinking about the time I'm engaging in this. Like, why did I not reach out to a club like this my first time in college. Why did I not do anything when I was of the proper age. Why, why, why. I don't understand. I feel an itch coming on. A need to parse the past again. But why. Why, why, why. Why do I have to parse the past. It's torture. What's there to be gained. I must though. I must look at all of it. Fairly. It's like watching a train wreck though. Watching something wretched, neglected, and abused fall into itself. Maybe I'm hyping it up in a negative way too much. Far too much. Still, the past calls again. Begging to be reframed with this new experience. *sigh*
  7. Detox(27) ????(7) Aight, I'm seriously bad at going to sleep after physical exertion. SERIOUSLY BAD. Honestly, I need a 10 - 6 job or sumthing like that because omg waking up early is just too terrible. TERRIBLE. Also, need to squeeze my nighttime routine. I usually want to ... look up shit and meander on about whatever when there's no time to do. I'm dependent on the energy levels in my mind at the end of the day. The physical exertion stuff is nice but there's a level of intellectual stimulation I'm missing.
  8. Detox(25) ????(5) Bah, I try everything. I feel like there needs to be a conscious choice to halt my mind.
  9. Detox(24) ????(4) Mornings: Must awake at 8. Evenings: Nights getting later. It's actually much harder for me to go to sleep after physical exertion. A thought: I did yoga and boy I'm insecure about waving my ass around. I secretly wish I had a sexy ass though. Damnit. Glute Goals.
  10. Detox(23) ????(3) Morning Tradition. I wake up at 8 more commonly, but always exhausted. Very difficult. Nighttime Tradition. Going to sleep later and later again and just will-powering through wake-up. Blegh. It's all frustration. Freedom has failed because there's time at which I... Alright. I'll change it so it eliminated high intensity levels of distraction but not everything.
  11. Detox(22) ????(2) Well, I passed out at odd times yesterday. Heart racing cause... went hungry and bought fast food. AGAIN. HNGRHGHH. It's like I hate my DNA or something. Apparently... going to be dancing... in front of people. Haha. HAH. Cause, I just keep saying sure, yes, I'll do it. WOOH. Seriously though, I think I understand why I'm doing this. It's me trying to shift my personality into a more... sociable state... I think ... Still, this is all very odd. I feel like I need to appreciate just how odd my situation has become. Still, I feel like all this moving around is helping my mental clarity, which is pretty much money. Mental Clarity = Money essentially.
  12. Detox(21) ????(1) Tired again, ate a bunch of fast food in one sitting again. It's a common thing that occurs. I have so much to do. I need to get that pomodoro timing thing going. BLegh
  13. Detox(20) ????(0) Meditating to start the day is probably the best practice given I have a habit of digital distraction instilled. It must be broken. Utilizing Chamomile and Lavender tea to calm self down before transitioning to workflow. Seems counter-intuitive but I think I need to keep calm to work on. Work related stress and pressure will be more than enough for the job market when the time comes. Nofap is far harder than I could have imagined... Just cleaned all my sheets so I better not falter again. That's usually a way to keep myself under control. Also, no horrible noise wavelengths coming from the construction facilities cooling/heating networks. That's nice. Weekends are nice. It's the one nice part of my life. Anyways, dance at 6, I messaged the recruiter about how I felt with the age gap and everything and she just told me not to be so harsh on myself. I think I'm going to practice alone a lot and work on modulating my energy. Try to gradually get comfortable with being energetic and ... Happy. Anyways, we'll see if I get kicked out... I really don't know why I'm struggling so much for this. I guess I feel like it shouldn't be that big of a deal and the fact that it is quiet a big deal disturbs me and forces a confrontation. Also, this music is like literally the opposite of what I listened to growing up. Just imagining if anyone from high school saw me trying to do this is just hilarious. Oh god the shame. There's... a lot there about generations and values and culture and stuff ... but the central question of what I want to do always remains unanswered and examined. Maybe that's why I'm doing this.
  14. Detox(18) ????(0) Food is an issue. I need a transition to work phase. Foggy, tired. irritated. But, stepping back, and focusing on either of those issues... Truly coming with a solution... I don't know.
  15. WARNING *** EXPLICIT LANGUAGE *** WARNING Detox(16) ????(3) Everything is so red omg. Super feeling depressed today. I'm trying to meditatively monitor it and it feels low energy in many ways. One is my heart feels like it has a chain wrapped around it dragging it down, mind feels foggy yet super distracted, zoning out with negative emotional outcomes and past experiences. I want to withdrawal from this retarded attempt at dancing. I mean, I'm basically trying to dance with another generation. That's fucking weird. I'm weird. So I should fucking leave. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT THIS IS ANNOYING. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING I TRY AND ENJOY HAS SOME BULLSHIT ATTACHED TO IT. Like, I can't go out and enjoy fucking anything unless I've met all the criteria, because all this shit does in fact affect me and makes me this awkward fucking weirdo. I hate it so much. Can't go hiking because being a single male traveler might as well be the same as hauling around a fucking bazooka. RUN AWAY IN FEAR. HE HAS COME TO DROWN YOUR HYPE OUT IN HIS WEIRDNESS. HAHAHAHAHAHA. +1 brief moment of suicidal ideation. Woohoo. On another note, . . FUCK
  16. Detox(15) ????(2) Well, I managed to to go the thing last night. It was once again more fun and rewarding once I got into the dance groove. That seems to be the case. I just have an infinite amount of social fear that debilitates and makes it hard for me to even THINK. Which is not good for a Senior in College. :<
  17. Detox(14) ????(1) Sleep was weird last night. I just passed out at 6 woke up at 2, then passed out again at... 5:40'ish? Then woke up at 9:30'ish'. W/E Dreading going this extracurricular activity. I keep telling myself that it is better than nothing, but it's a hard argument to make sometimes. I'm so afraid of something but what? Is not my current state what is to be dreaded? I don't get it.
  18. To be honest this sounds eerily similar to my story. For me, there's this feeling that I'm disciplining myself to make all these changes, yet it doesn't feel like my consciousness has changed. However knowledgeable I am that these external changes should help, the FEELING that my consciousness has changed feels obscured. I'm with you in focusing on the smaller changes and hoping that these tiny degrees point us in a new direction. Keep up the effort!
  19. Detox(13) Yeah, I've heard of nofap. I think a week is the longest I've lasted. For me I've never had a porn habit, but i have ALWAYS fapped every night. It's become a sleep crutch for me for a looong time. Fuck, probably as long as possible really. It sucks, I hate it. It's a form of giving up. Basically, reinforcing to myself that it's the only way I'll have any sort of pleasure so just give in and give up. Maybe I'll give it a shot this night, make it one of the three habits being tracked. It's one of those kind of habitual patterns that is bound up with the escapism and despair of my past. I do want to get rid of it... but damn, the game detox seems fairly easy compared to that habit. I think on my own time I'll focus on which behaviors need most changing. For now... Day 13 of no more gaming. Yay.
  20. detox(12) Morning: Blegh Evening: Blegh So... this day... wasn't productive... AGAIN. I DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S SO HARD TO BE PRODUCTIVE. I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE TIME GOES. But goddamned would a game of starcraft be nice right about now. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. I even got this sweet ass keyboard and mouse. WHYYY, This whole setup just cries out for usage. I feel so neglected/neglectful. Anyways, I'm using Pomello now, let's me attach a pomodora timer right to trello cards. So... Pretty sweet. Got one pom done today. lol ; , ;
  21. Detox(11) Morning Tradition: Shaky, waking hard. I hate mornings. Evening Tradition: Freedom is working pretty well actually. More active, I have a FULL DAY TO STUDY HUZZAH. Also, before I go on into my aspirations for the day and how it began I want to talk about my feelings towards these dance classes. So, they are fun and scary as previously documented. But, it also feels like a LOT is gotten out of those moments of time. So much of my life I just passively deleted time through consumption of various forms of media. This class so starkly contrasts this, though there is a bit of a flow state when just mimicking and practicing choreography. Also, it's 'urban' music so that contrasts with my own past preferences for grungey rock and symphonic metal. It does seem to mix in a bit of the electronica I've always loved so... well it's amusing to see my personal favorite kind of music infuse into everything else. Almost, like I was drawn to a pure catalyst rather the the result of mixing it with something else. Interesting. Anyways, it feels like I'm an alien visiting this world, in so many different ways. In some ways, I'm almost comfortable with a role like that. I'm just a visitor from outer space learning this funky new music. I guess the keyword here is Urban Dance, but I dunno, really? Maybe I should look it up or something. I've always found music that I like to be hit and miss ALL OVER THE PLACE. So, yeah, need to really catch up on homework and not passively consume time. Time can carry you pretty far when you respect it. FINALLY, I Netflix binged the first two stories of the Tales of Arcadia universe/series and I could not stop being distracted by it. I just finished it this morning, regretfully, but now I feel like I can study and focus. THE MORALE HERE, is that OPEN LOOPS, especially the ones most interesting, are the ones that can steal our time. So, I'm going to try and not invest in any new ... media series. Which will be very very hard. Yikes.
  22. Detox(10) So... tired. Can't Focus. Need to work. Deadlines approach. Calories low... Hnghhh, Qdoba burrito insufficient. There are people who can amp mindstate, and work. I not one of them? I insufficient? Should Die? Should go extinct? Nature's will? Cruelty? Fate? Feels hopeless. Was invited to another session by coach. He seemed interesting. Already 3 sessions per week 3.5 hours a piece. Regret sinking it. What if I were but a fresh HS graduate again and I had resisted the fear and participated. What if's drown out my forward momentum. The realization that there would be so much more to the experience if it had been in the past. Tired. Need to do research. Need to expand research. Need to knit it together into an essay. Need to attack and complete, not dawdle and whittle away at it insufficiently. Anger. Why this so hard!? How has this happened. Regret replaced with rage. Why did it go so wrong. Do I blame gaming. Seem too easy... Self-compassion... Low... Group session pointed that out. Dangit. I'm just so tired. Will meditate now. Never done when this tired. Maybe learn something. I'm scared. I feel as though... won't have control. Maybe that's the point.
  23. Detox(9) Freedom still a bit sloppy, apparently phone didn't have it on. Oops Dance again today. Still feeling massive resistance to going, yet after the first session I tallied it up as more positive than negative. Still very afraid. Meditation complete 20. Exercise doing ok. Writing habit... shaky. I have a hard time with it, requires focus and planning. Maybe it's not for me. Hard to tell. Perhaps try to shift a music habit back into it's place again? Unsure. Long term projects need more clarification or I'll get frozen and fail. Netflix binging has increased. Hmm, problematic. There's a passive thinking style associated with these habits. To be able to consume and be entertained by novel things without required too much thinking effort. Never thought about it, but I do that a lot it seems. O'well. Just gotta keep scheduling, checking time, clarifying the main acts and atomizing the projects into the smallest steps I can. Hopefully that will keep me walking.
  24. Detox(8) Morning Tradition: Freedom Recurring Session is now set up Afternoon Tradition: Freedom Recurring Session is now set up Dance review. Exhausting. There was a rave/trance thingy downstairs. Few dance. I hop around, in heavy coat and bag. Ehehehehe. Feel no pull to inner of social group, but that expected and fine. Go slow, build body movement competence. Deciding to make this club a thing. Future tense. Homework consists of more long term projects than even. Competency and motivation for field/business to go into not as strong as others. Worried, if this not where I excel, where? Too late? Worried. Mindset, too sluggish. So many others, filled with zeal and life... Must not compare, I knows how the surface differs from the inner. Others are aware, too. Need step back. Prioritize. Look at the due dates. Look at time. Schedule them. Must have faster work. Must start now. Must be self driven. Too harsh, too much. Exhaustion, longing, gaming. Life show no mercy, it force adapt. What to do... What to do... Stress management meeting soon. Will bring up. How to phrase. Must minimize. Too much can exhaust. Hmmmmmm.
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