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Everything posted by Rualani

  1. Adding Food journaling to this as a possible keystone habits. This will be a place where keystone habits are examined. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” “Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear?” ― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching Detox(78) ****(0) chef(0) Woke up at 7:20 'ish. By the time the shower was over and I was finally in the moment it was around 8:00. Had tofu, peppers, avocado for breakfast. I think my mind was full on and good to go by around 9 'ish. Got a solid 8 pomodoros within the span of 6-7 ' ish hours. It all so inefficient but the sad truth is, this was a good day. Still, I made a mistake. I grabbed a bunch of ... treats... from a convenience store instead of eating (peanut butter, oatmeal, blueberries) for lunch. Beef Jerky. Poptarts, Cream crackers. Basically Shit food. After indulging in two poptarts, beef jerky, and way too many crackers I grew horribly drowsy. Maybe just an hour nap I thought. 1 turned to 2. 2 turned to 3. Eventually around 7:30 ish I awake... 9:30 'ish have eaten salad poke bowl for delivery. I should seriously learn how to make my own poke bowls. It was delish. Now panick working on my project to make a 3D game. Another disappointment. I keep getting stuck which might be a result of the alpha state of the system or my own incompetence. I can never tell which it is. Anyways, back to trying to figure out collision detection with Armory3D SINCE THIS getContacts METHOD IS FREEZING MY SYSTEM ARGH Still, I awoke early and cooked breakfast. This act alone made the day so much better. Also, making it so the alarm simply lights up the room may have been an act of genius. If the alarm yells I attack it and silence it for the day, then sleep. But when it shines, I begrudgingly try and sleep through it, slowly waking up.
  2. Detox(77) ****(0) chef(0) Primary Focus: Wake up at 7. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Ideal Morning routine. Awake. Running. Habit was successful until winter came. Surprisingly my cardio endurance is still intact despite my swelling body fat ratio. I wonder what exactly it is that keeps my able to jog further? Heart strength? Once again, something that my reckless hunger preserves even if fatness is a consequence. Secondary Focus: Screen Time dangerous. Use app to block off all distracting websites until end of work hours. Habit Apps. Habit Habitica Keystone Habits To keep an eye on exercising food journaling G.T.D followup and review every week gratitude journal Naturally all these thoughts have once passed. No need to stress, for life is made of cycles. Embrace and don't resist. repeat repeat repeat until they are me. repeat
  3. Detox(73) ???(0) Yeah, problem is I still don't really have anything passionate about what I do. This means that I will be stuck in a loop of exhausting myself for awhile. Still, I feel like I need to fight to establish something as basic as a early morning sleep schedule. I just have such an issue forcing myself awake early. I know some people who could stay up late and still pull through waking up early but I'm not there yet. It's frustrating. In other news, I managed to wake up early once... haha. Now I woke up at 2!!!!. Blegh. #feelsbadman
  4. Detox(70) ****(70) Pfft, screw Poms. I just... need to... do it. I hate this, I don't know how to keep focused. Caffeine don't help. Trying alcohol. Whatever the heck keep me working and not distracted. At this point. I don't care what it is.
  5. Monday Posting Detox(68) ****(0) 8 poms game development accomplished. I hate working at too high a abstract level. Focus Estimation: 37% Must wake up at 7. Will fight until goal achieved. Secondary Goal. Continue making plant based recipes. Slowly and surely, I will find a way. Light based alarm clock coming in. The two things my waking self fears. Light and water.
  6. Detox(66) ****(2) Unproductive day again. I mean, I tried. I was on and off focusing, but there's this terrible foggy state I find myself in so often. It surely is bound to the sheer amount of oversleep I get usually. O'well. Also, I find myself being hungry a lot but I felt like I ate enough today. My concerns about body weight are conflicting with my hunger. The worst part is I can't tell when it's justified. When is my hunger something I can ignore and just how far am I overeating when I finally put the damn beast to rest. This is a common situation for me the more I reflect on it. A dance between hunger and satiation. Even in high school I always felt like I was starving. But, then I was quiet skinny so it matched up. Now, I have fat on me. I'd peg myself at around 27-30% right now. Obviously I want to trend it down, but if hunger is the main thing I use to determine if I'm getting too many calories, I'm kind of confused. Also, hunger usually coincided with this lack of focus. But, I'm fat. How can that be. How can I have too much energy on my body but still feel unsatisfied and as if my mind needs more. I oversleep and get low energy and depressed. I'm going to try having a salad for lunch everyday... on top of what I normally do. I... have a feeling that that's a good first step forwards. I for one have no clue if my hunger is accurate or not, or if I'm merely eating food that leaves me feeling empty. But gods... the urge to get something else right now is so powerful. It distracts me from the day. This endless scavenging.
  7. Cool breakdown of the day. I definitely need something like this. I have a few questions. 15 minutes straight from bed to work is pretty amazing. Do you have breakfast and lunch prepared for the next day in advance?
  8. Detox(65) ****(1) The day is becoming ordered. Being at home makes me realize that I had no order to getting things done. When I was at the library, at least the social pressure and the presence of the place inspired me to study. But in this lethargic room... where I would usually game... it felt as if there were no hope to get it done. Well today I got 6 hours in Pomodoros inside this room done. It was unfocused work. Sometimes I would dive into slight hits of dopamine through music. I found that listening to the Arc of Scythe series through audiobooks on my natural breaks to be a natural reprieve. Guess I'm reliving that Young Adult fiction reader I used to be. Audio books are so fast though. I must keep pushing though. I must install it into my mind and body that this is normal. That a section of my day will always be discipline and struggle. I will not wish that it were easy. I will work so that it may become easier.
  9. Detox(63) ****(0) Lots of cleaning and organizing today. Getting lost in all the things I have to to do. One full day of no digital consumption. Mind turned off as I slowly move. It's so annoying. So tiring. So agitating. I feel listliss and can't focus. Another day another day. Tomorrow we resume a healthy work day. Just remember your breakfast and lunch.
  10. Detox(62) ****(0) Breakfast and Lunch Breakfast and Lunch Keep it hydrated Keep it moving Keep it cooking Step by step I move somewhere else. Step carefully now, or I fall way down. No need to stress for this life is a mess. Just take the steps needed to be somewhere better. No stress, No stress
  11. Detox(58) ****(0) Green tea + pomodora improving productivity rates. Cooking and eating normal food is hard, Fast food moving in to cause addiction. This could be a problem.
  12. detox(56) ****(0) I'm simplifying this stuff. No more trying to freak out or hype up or beat myself up over failures. I'm just going to slowly plan out the next day and build good habits. Truth is, I'm just the end result of bad habits. That's all there is to it. Until stabilized I'm not sure how much of this 'mental' stuff I agonize about is going to help. It's unfortunate that I never lived a life where I built up good habits and now I'm reaping the consequences. Well, there's one bad habit I'm taking down for good. No gaming 56 days... Gonna keep pushing. Dreams: Had a stressful oversleeping kind of dream. I woke up and found myself in a dorm somewhere. Panicking. Not belonging. Not home. Like, I had just joined a new college for the first time. It's was filled with stress and panic. I wonder if that's what it was like when I was younger??? Also, dreamed ABOUT PLAYING STARCRAFT 2. I LEGIT WOKE UP AND THOUGHT THAT I HAD BROKEN MY STREAK. I woke up feeling completely defeated.
  13. Detox(54) **** (0) Ughh, I was all about trying my bestest with caffeine but this day has been terrible... Maybe the ... hype and energy method doesn't work for me. Gosh. So annoying. Blegh.
  14. Detox(53) **** (0) It is not enough. Foggy minds. Falling behind. These failures are unacceptable. I'm done using willpower. IT'S TIME TO SHIFT THE ENVIRONMENT. ANY ADVANTAGE MUST BE UTILIZED. ALL OR NOTHING. NOOTROPIC SHIFT CAFFEINE POWERS IGNITE GREEN TEA ACQUIRED
  15. Detox(52) Cooked(0) **** (0) RIght, simplifying comms again. Keeping up with school is tough. Very tough. I thought I could be open about something that troubling me.
  16. Detox(49) Only Cooked Food (0) **** (0) Whew, what a roller coaster ride. Monday was god awful I think I ended up in Hell somehow. I ate sugary foods at the end of Sunday. I ate mongolion beef. Monday I legit slept through my classes and felt out of touch and hung over. I finally got over it around 6 and just worked into the night. Woke up this morning using the 8a alarm clock thingy. Felt awake and I went through the routine. It took me from 8 to 12 To know out, Food, meditation, exercise, traveling, and settling down which is kinda long. I think I spent an hour in the middle there reading 'Atomic Habits' randomly. Spending money I don't have. To learn things about habits I already know. The usual stuff. During the lows I was watching a lot of Starcraft 2. A LOT. I backed off and held fast, but DAMN WAS I CLOSE. Almost downloaded the blizzard installer and just went for it. You know, dopamine lows just make me feel FOGGY ALL DAY. I don't get anything done. Blah blah blah. So, why not just throw in an hour of gaming. I mean, I'm watching anime and wasting time anyways? Thta was the argument. I held fast though. ALMOST DAY 50. Blegh, I'm almost over the pain of sacrificing possible social interactions for a possible financial future, but damn, I just... I'm still kind of shocked deep down you know... I could actually go to a club like that and become more expressive and experience more warmth. Like, I didn't know that was possible. But, doing that, cost me precious time that I should have been using to stabilize core habits and get ahead in schoolwork. It's just really smarts. For a brief 5 weeks I had the drama of a teenager and wasn't really getting much done. Now I'm deathly afraid I won't really pass this semester. Jeez. I really feel like this is a story of my life. I always felt like I couldn't experience these things because REASONS but now I actually do have a REASON and it feels really surreal. Like, oh wow, that possibly actually exists? Like oh wow, I can't engage in it due to my financial circumstance. This is a common thing for most people sure, but you gotta understand. Actually believing I could take a part in social things and take baby steps towards belonging somewhat. That just didn't register as a possibility. Strange times I'm in. Hopefully I can put in the hard work and survive. Otherwise... I don't know what I'll do. Anyways, I'm going to get to work on my game development class now. Feeling tired but I think that state is good for that environment. It's terrible for research though. Research takes a lot of wakeness. Organizing information takes a lot out of me. But putting things together doesn't and playing around on blender. That's alright.
  17. Detox(47) Food(6) -homecooked So, I actually feel pretty positive today. I find that if I try and actually BELIEVE that the stuff I'm doing matters and could be something that would go on a resume or that my work could become valuable and impressive, I find myself a bit more motivated. It's like the sky opens up to me really. I kind of trap myself in this hell of OH HURR DURR, I gotta do this or I will never find a job, become dependent on people who can't help me and then kill myself, durrrrrr. Okay, that was a tad bit dark but c'mon, there's some hope that I won't just be another death of despair in the end of this journey. A little hope. And all it takes is that I delude myself into thinking my work is valuable and important to the world. Muahahahaha. So easy. I'm really envious of people who really feel as though their work is an impactful heroes journey enacted out in the world. Really really fucking envious. I have done MOSTLY plant based this past week and it's causing all sorts of crazy state changes. I think I have realized that dropping too many noodles down the hatch is pretty bad. It's not really filling given the amount of calories going down. Also, really ADHD when I do. The tofu and veggies I ate this morning are sitting well. I stocked up fruits and peanut butters for lunch. Honestly, I think I'll just have veggies and fruits with nutty dips//hummus for lunch from now on. It's simple. The tofu scrambles for breakfast aren't too bad and OMG do I crave hamburgers sometimes. Like, just imagine a giant ... burger... hmmm. It's amusing. I slept like a lot last night. Like, 6-7-8 then 1-10ish. Normally I'd say it's pretty bad but I'm feeling more positive right meow, so, uhm, what? Maybe I'm just really sleep deprived. With that terrible noise coming from the construction facility nearby at night, and smoke drifting in occasionally, AND THE LIGHT, it's pretty inhospitable actually. Pounding my eardrums with fan sounds to keep my mind calm is just really really not cool. Or, I just really really don't do well when I wake up early. Could be a thing... Problem -regarding sleep- is I've been having some pretty bad lows lately. I think my best response when a super low hits is actually to take a nap. Cause, I really do need to be investing my mental energies towards these ... productive and valuable contributions to society(assignments) and being in this low energy state makes it impossible to think. I guess it's the case that I actually can't just keep hitting my head against the wall and getting productivity out. I'm just not that type of person. Maybe others really are. But, I'm not. Time to acknowledge that. I feel warm too. God, what is happening to me. Was it all this meditation? I've hit a 10 day in a row streak today so I've been rocking it. I'm glad Sam Harris slowed down on the, "find the observer" stuff too. That game is absolute agony. Anyways, to all those gaming quitters out there. It's really tough. But I do believe that are more positive and productive states to be found out there. It's important we set our sights and make our plans when we are on top of the hills, not trapped in the valleys. If you're in a valley right now. Take a step back. Breath. Maybe a nap. Maybe you just got to struggle. You got this. A new day will always come and there's always a chance that you can find your mind in a better place. I believe in us! 😁
  18. Detox(45) ****0 Food(4) -homecooked Disregarding vegan label and focusing on --homecooked label. That's far more important of an objective, right now. Delightfully so, the food I got is lasting way longer than I thoguht it would. Cool. Also, feeling super unproductive. Ah, I'm just so bad at gearing myself up to do long term projects and open ended research. I don't know. I feel very low on dopamine. Watching SC2 gaming videos. I keep cutting myself off from dopamine engaging activities. Going silently into the dark with nothing to want or care for. It sucks. Ah,well, hopefully I figure it out.
  19. Detox(44) ****0 Food(3 days vegan) The temptation has returned. How much I long to lose myself in a game. I feel like I've gone through so many state changes but still one thing remains. Do I have it in me? Can I keep up. Do I have what it takes to get a job in this field. Hell, I don't even care if the pays bad, I just want to know I invested all this time for something. But, it's so darn hard to keep up. Dangit. 3 days vegan... but an over reliance on oil and nut butter. *sigh* If anyone else is out there, and you have someone who home cooks for you. Show a little gratitude. Just a little, all thing in moderation after all.
  20. Detox(43) ****(0) Poms(6) Food, (2 days vegan) Huzzah. prepping breakfast/lunch for the next day is indeed to solution. Mood <- I feel accomplished Went to the job fair today. Will need to follow up all leads tomorrow. Yay. I'm hoping I came off well, but I don't really know. I felt like I was present with the recruiters and everything. Also, getting an orangutang to play tic-tac-toe with a dolphin is of the highest priority. Okay, I wasn't completely present. Learning to withhold myself and let someone else fill the presence for some time takes some practice. +3 for meditation, for sure. Which, BTW, I've been on a hot streak, lately. I'm over 25% towards it becoming an official habit... well according to this app at least. Speaking of which.... IMMA GO DO THAT LOL. I really tried hard to push out these poms. Really, it's more like 8 poms for job preparation and this is my busiest school day AND I AM COOKING SLOW. So, ehhhh. It's not to bad. As I make more vegan recipes I'll get a sense of how to create a stable breakfast or lunch with no plan. Which will be so very very important due to them grocery store costs. That flexibility is everything I am fighting for. And I need a lot of experience actually eating homecooked meals. I'll make a good househusband one day.
  21. Detox(41) Nofap(0) God Damnit this is hard. I'll keep trying. Poms(5) Food <- (fail) BUT I have some vegan recipes lined up for the week. I think my best chances of success are when breakfast and lunch are already prepped for the day. Hopefully tomorrow is a success Mood <- a trembling amount of focus. So, I'm doing better at the poms. Will edit in more if I happen to get more done tonight. I really want to push the limit and actually work all the way to bedtime. It's like exercise. I want to see what my MAXIMUM lift is. Doesn't mean I'll do it all the time, but I gotta keep pushing that boundary. I still get worn out and have no way to recharge. I feel so damn mentally sluggish most of the time. This is why it's so important diet is fixed properly. I have a feeling that it's a very large factor behind my mental strength. Hopefully that will give me enough of an edge that I don't drown.
  22. Detox(39) Nofap(0) Poms(0) Food <- more fail Mood <- Dissapointed Went to museum with family. Mistake. I need to start the day off on a productive note or nothing happens. I have to be strict with them. Influence may be dangerous caution needed. Acknowledge loneliness but don't let it mislead.
  23. Detox(38) Nofap(0) poms(???) JUST KEEP WORKING BRUH SHIT IS DUE Food <- Fail, with a tofu block at the end Mood <- DESPERATION The connection between fapping and social hopelessness within me is fairly interesting to note. I think I'll continue trying to do it just as a canary in the coalmine. It can mimic when I'm doing things right?
  24. Detox(37) Nofap(1) poms(6) Food <- taco bell Mood <- Agitation At least breakfast was good. I got a sheet printed out with vegan recipes for 4 days so If I grab that and successfully build those that will go a long way I believe. A little too dependent on rides from roomates...Perhaps I should just get out there and bike all my food home... Need storage... and stuff. Grr. I still feel like my heart got ripped to pieces over that one thing. I desperately need a group/social/team/ thingy. Looks like I should have been playing sports as a kid. Once again. Too little, too fucking late. *sigh* I don't really know where to go with this. Only reason I'm typing right now is trying to focus on this 3-d game engine crap is annoying me. I feel like I'm just washing away hours upon hours for no reward. None at all. I think I need to step back. Opened my old skillshare account and reopened the guitar lessons. Since a major point of friction with the club was the values/style of the music I was listening too, perhaps I should try constructing something of my own. Ah shoot, a visual migraine is kicking in... Oooohhshh, spots everywhere. I hate these. Anyways, where was I? Typing blind? Right, I feel shit about the dancing that is not happening right now. I feel shit about the social tuning that is not happening. I need an outlet. Bad. Also, never knew I needed an outlet. Worse, my mind doesn't naturally want to stick with the assignments I'm doing for my degree. This hints at a lack of compatibility between my personality and professional focus. Taking all these factors together, how is it not game over? I'm genuinely curious about why I'm struggling so much. Perhaps it's just that the alternative still scares me more. Maybe I believe that I can still salvage this situation and find one shred of human belonging and warmth out there. It all seems so far away. I've spent my life looking away from this faint warmth drifting off in the distance. This distance flame far far away. My life is like a game of Dark Souls. Except, that I got sick of the game play and abandoned my save, lol. It's all rather hard to believe in any of that though. *sigh* I TRY TO FOCUS AND TELL MYSELF TO MAN UP AND DO HOMEWORK, BUT HOMEWORK IS CREATIVE and CAN'T ... BE...FORCED. HWUUUUARGH. So, yeah, I have to find the right state of mind and there's no 'hard logic' that can save me anymore. No more disciplining myself up and "JUST DO IT" happening. Congratulation me, I placed myself in a situation where I would be 100% flow or blow up fantastically. I do so enjoy torturing myself with the lofty challenges.
  25. Detox(36) Nofap(0) Poms(3) Food(last... half chinese) Well, i printed out a vegan meal plan at 2000 cals for 4 days. Hoping that incorporating more of these recipes will cause a change. I think I jumped a little too far. Need to have a better foundation. Food is wrecking havoc on me. I just need some stable high cal recipes that aren't terribad for me. ANything to keep me from fast food. I'm willing to bet a lot of what happened yesterday was made worse by this issue. I'm not taking back that decision, but, eh, I gotta learn from it. Eee,gods my stomach is in agony.. Some notes on nofap. The impulse is... shockingly devoid of hope. I felt it last night as I struggled. It's not like there's an overwhelming amount of sexual energy. It's more like... the very notion of sexuality is just too painful to me. Too distant and painful. It makes me want to eliminate it. That's why my streak failed. I'll have to keep searching for another group. On the work ethic part sleep is a major problem. I'm having a huge issue staying productive and on task. Slept 5 - 8:30 P.M. Today. Just woke up. WTF? God, everything is a mess. EVERYTHING. I've been struggling to bad about things. Trying to shake it off is a pain. Once again. I think food is a major contributing factor. Everything boils down to what I eat. Even money management is critically effected by it. *sigh* This all just ... hurts. The worst thing is... When I was younger I might have had a freakout or a cry down. I remember a few times this happened. But there was not an ounce of comfort from the people around me. I had the same issue when others needed comfort. I am from a very cold place. I'm sick of it. I don't know the way out. I can't tell if it's simply too late. I'm STILL FIGHTING FOR SOMETHING AS BASIC AS NUTRITION. It's all just so overwhelming. I don't really care about my degree. Some people enjoy thinking about those problems. My mind is just forever trying to get away. I was hoping a dopamine reset would fix that but god knows how long that will take. I've lost my religion. I've lost my one chance at being more socially attuned so I'm not the awkward freak that everyone sees. And I'm still killing my body with fast food. I simply don't know how to get out of this. I feel like there's just too many damn thing clawing me back in the dark where a desperately hack it off one limb at a time. They just keep coming. I keep telling myself that it's simply a matter of having the resources to open the door to opportunities since our culture has made all social opportunities dependent on such a thing. The therapist don't know. The groups don't know. The medicine don't know.The self-helpers don't know. I don't know. No one fucking knows.
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