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About Rualani

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  1. Detox(14) ????(1) Sleep was weird last night. I just passed out at 6 woke up at 2, then passed out again at... 5:40'ish? Then woke up at 9:30'ish'. W/E Dreading going this extracurricular activity. I keep telling myself that it is better than nothing, but it's a hard argument to make sometimes. I'm so afraid of something but what? Is not my current state what is to be dreaded? I don't get it.
  2. To be honest this sounds eerily similar to my story. For me, there's this feeling that I'm disciplining myself to make all these changes, yet it doesn't feel like my consciousness has changed. However knowledgeable I am that these external changes should help, the FEELING that my consciousness has changed feels obscured. I'm with you in focusing on the smaller changes and hoping that these tiny degrees point us in a new direction. Keep up the effort!
  3. Detox(13) Yeah, I've heard of nofap. I think a week is the longest I've lasted. For me I've never had a porn habit, but i have ALWAYS fapped every night. It's become a sleep crutch for me for a looong time. Fuck, probably as long as possible really. It sucks, I hate it. It's a form of giving up. Basically, reinforcing to myself that it's the only way I'll have any sort of pleasure so just give in and give up. Maybe I'll give it a shot this night, make it one of the three habits being tracked. It's one of those kind of habitual patterns that is bound up with the escapism and despair of my past. I do want to get rid of it... but damn, the game detox seems fairly easy compared to that habit. I think on my own time I'll focus on which behaviors need most changing. For now... Day 13 of no more gaming. Yay.
  4. detox(12) Morning: Blegh Evening: Blegh So... this day... wasn't productive... AGAIN. I DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S SO HARD TO BE PRODUCTIVE. I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE TIME GOES. But goddamned would a game of starcraft be nice right about now. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. I even got this sweet ass keyboard and mouse. WHYYY, This whole setup just cries out for usage. I feel so neglected/neglectful. Anyways, I'm using Pomello now, let's me attach a pomodora timer right to trello cards. So... Pretty sweet. Got one pom done today. lol ; , ;
  5. Detox(11) Morning Tradition: Shaky, waking hard. I hate mornings. Evening Tradition: Freedom is working pretty well actually. More active, I have a FULL DAY TO STUDY HUZZAH. Also, before I go on into my aspirations for the day and how it began I want to talk about my feelings towards these dance classes. So, they are fun and scary as previously documented. But, it also feels like a LOT is gotten out of those moments of time. So much of my life I just passively deleted time through consumption of various forms of media. This class so starkly contrasts this, though there is a bit of a flow state when just mimicking and practicing choreography. Also, it's 'urban' music so that contrasts with my own past preferences for grungey rock and symphonic metal. It does seem to mix in a bit of the electronica I've always loved so... well it's amusing to see my personal favorite kind of music infuse into everything else. Almost, like I was drawn to a pure catalyst rather the the result of mixing it with something else. Interesting. Anyways, it feels like I'm an alien visiting this world, in so many different ways. In some ways, I'm almost comfortable with a role like that. I'm just a visitor from outer space learning this funky new music. I guess the keyword here is Urban Dance, but I dunno, really? Maybe I should look it up or something. I've always found music that I like to be hit and miss ALL OVER THE PLACE. So, yeah, need to really catch up on homework and not passively consume time. Time can carry you pretty far when you respect it. FINALLY, I Netflix binged the first two stories of the Tales of Arcadia universe/series and I could not stop being distracted by it. I just finished it this morning, regretfully, but now I feel like I can study and focus. THE MORALE HERE, is that OPEN LOOPS, especially the ones most interesting, are the ones that can steal our time. So, I'm going to try and not invest in any new ... media series. Which will be very very hard. Yikes.
  6. Detox(10) So... tired. Can't Focus. Need to work. Deadlines approach. Calories low... Hnghhh, Qdoba burrito insufficient. There are people who can amp mindstate, and work. I not one of them? I insufficient? Should Die? Should go extinct? Nature's will? Cruelty? Fate? Feels hopeless. Was invited to another session by coach. He seemed interesting. Already 3 sessions per week 3.5 hours a piece. Regret sinking it. What if I were but a fresh HS graduate again and I had resisted the fear and participated. What if's drown out my forward momentum. The realization that there would be so much more to the experience if it had been in the past. Tired. Need to do research. Need to expand research. Need to knit it together into an essay. Need to attack and complete, not dawdle and whittle away at it insufficiently. Anger. Why this so hard!? How has this happened. Regret replaced with rage. Why did it go so wrong. Do I blame gaming. Seem too easy... Self-compassion... Low... Group session pointed that out. Dangit. I'm just so tired. Will meditate now. Never done when this tired. Maybe learn something. I'm scared. I feel as though... won't have control. Maybe that's the point.
  7. Detox(9) Freedom still a bit sloppy, apparently phone didn't have it on. Oops Dance again today. Still feeling massive resistance to going, yet after the first session I tallied it up as more positive than negative. Still very afraid. Meditation complete 20. Exercise doing ok. Writing habit... shaky. I have a hard time with it, requires focus and planning. Maybe it's not for me. Hard to tell. Perhaps try to shift a music habit back into it's place again? Unsure. Long term projects need more clarification or I'll get frozen and fail. Netflix binging has increased. Hmm, problematic. There's a passive thinking style associated with these habits. To be able to consume and be entertained by novel things without required too much thinking effort. Never thought about it, but I do that a lot it seems. O'well. Just gotta keep scheduling, checking time, clarifying the main acts and atomizing the projects into the smallest steps I can. Hopefully that will keep me walking.
  8. Detox(8) Morning Tradition: Freedom Recurring Session is now set up Afternoon Tradition: Freedom Recurring Session is now set up Dance review. Exhausting. There was a rave/trance thingy downstairs. Few dance. I hop around, in heavy coat and bag. Ehehehehe. Feel no pull to inner of social group, but that expected and fine. Go slow, build body movement competence. Deciding to make this club a thing. Future tense. Homework consists of more long term projects than even. Competency and motivation for field/business to go into not as strong as others. Worried, if this not where I excel, where? Too late? Worried. Mindset, too sluggish. So many others, filled with zeal and life... Must not compare, I knows how the surface differs from the inner. Others are aware, too. Need step back. Prioritize. Look at the due dates. Look at time. Schedule them. Must have faster work. Must start now. Must be self driven. Too harsh, too much. Exhaustion, longing, gaming. Life show no mercy, it force adapt. What to do... What to do... Stress management meeting soon. Will bring up. How to phrase. Must minimize. Too much can exhaust. Hmmmmmm.
  9. Detox(7) Mornings. Freedom Still not set up. Nighttime. Freedom still not set up. Focus is better. Calorie monitoring is up and running. Usually. levels are insufficient which leads to fast food consumption spikes, must keep searching for prime source of bioenergy. Amping meditations up to 20 minutes per session instead of 10 minutes. Heading to gym, then dance call-out meeting. Afraid... of group wide rejections and possible reputation trashing. Keep head low, purpose is to learn to dance. Age gap means any tendency to engage socially will be met with extra caution and skepticism. Must... adapt ... keep focus goals.
  10. Detox(6) Morning Tradition. Issues waking up, on time. I try and just set a wake up time, but I end up wanting to sleep in. At least waking up at 10 now feels pretty late, so a transition is taking place. It's pretty hard though. Nighttime Tradition. Tea is soothing. Need to cancel out digital entertainment 10-11.. hard Overall Focus Levels. Very Difficult. Watching ... netflix. Need to create focus. Have Freedom App set up to restrict... Afraid, Resistant. Want to nap. Tired. Tired of thinking about it.
  11. Detox(5) Waking up still tough. Gaming music is so good. To listen or not to listen. That is the question. So, I found a gaming poem I made in class awhile back. Just for the heck of it I'll post it. A little reminder to myself that there's ways to express myself. I am an MMO Priest, Rogue, Warrior, and many classes more, you seem thirsty for excitement, so welcome to my world. Hark, you are called, adventurer, to an epic quest, Healer, Tank, or Damage Dealer, choose what is best. Looking for group, teaming up to face greater danger, Alone, foes fell to your strength, but a group is a game changer. Twisted paths, the smell of death, has led you to its lair; Steel your resolve, heroes, and whisper your final prayer! Celebration, celebration, victory, after many hours, time to roll for loot, hoping to grow your powers. You go out into the world, alone, with a new look; cooking, fishing, mini-games, finding a new hook. I see you playing all the time now, grinding life away. The party is missing a hero, with whom you used to play Whispers of your torn life, coloring your adventure grey, concealing a world torn by strife as you slowly faded away.
  12. Detox(4) Feel a bit iffy claiming the next count mid-day but here I am. I have a 3 habit tracking system currently rotating so that is where that sort of concern will go. I might talk about habit 'victories' every now and then. I'll rotate a current lifestyle changes here though. It won't have the same impetus of the habits, but that's because I have a very difficult time creating an atomic habit. Usually a change required all these different shades of grey to be filtered into colors and that can be pretty challenging. For starters I'm trying to create a nighttime tradition and a morning tradition but that's very hard and succeeds or fails depending on different circumstances. For example, I have school at 9 some morning so waking up at 8 doesn't leave me enough time for breakfast UNLESS breakfast is already prepared. So now I need a plan for creating breakfast's which doesn't overwhelm me. So now I get stuck looking up oodles of recipes instead of just creating a simple breakfast recipe for all the days. So now I'm wondering. What is an ideal breakfast schedule. Do I eat the same thing? Is there a collection of base breakfasts that people usually rotate? How many, if so? What about all those protein for breakfast comments about? I really enjoyed blueberry/banana breakfastes once upon a time as frozen blueberries wasn't too expensive. I really miss my oven. Lindsey Stirling enjoyed a type of breakfast muffin didn't she... maybe she's onto something. And so on and so forth. Filtering through that into something can be a yay/nay checkmark is... challenging. I guess what I'm saying is that something that appears as an atomic habit always turns into a project whenever I look into it further. This isn't really a surprise as I'm in business of working on problems and these layers of subdivision are quiet natural. Still frustrating though. ANYWAYS, In a nutshell, I'll probably use this platform to explore the growth of more complicated habit/traditions, which may lead to items atomic enough to go into an app-based system. Currently, that's a morning and a night tradition. Project for morning/night traditions ~Checklist -art(yes/no) -size(8 1/2 x 11 || smaller || what feels less wasteful?) - ~Brainstorm for checklist ~What's most important and easily implementable? -Morning Tea -Morning Breakfast ~whew
  13. Detox(2) @BooksandTrees I learned that gaming is "moderated" when there's enough external pressure on me to do things. In the case of fall, 'school'. Last semester I did abstain from gaming the last half, and wished I had stayed away. During the winter break I was going through a 'break' of sorts from the family and wished to abstain from all festivities. Gaming swooped in to pick me up during those times. I had planned to learn about website design and to become more competent on the input/output side of programming. Instead I fought giant monstrosities in Monster Hunter World. I saw many cool things and had so much fun. A piece of me was happy. The rest went nowhere. To come back here the initial inspiration came form Tim Ferris. One of his videos he talked about using fear setting when making a very large life altering choice. It came in three phases. Phase 1: 3 Columns || Describe what issue will occur if the choice is made. || Prepare so that issue doesn't occur || Have a plan given that the issue does happen. Essentially, you list out your worst fears one by one about this choice Phase 2: Benefits of a 'ATTEMPT' at success Phase 3: Cost of Inaction My fears were mainly of the bored and jittery state I would be put into as a consequence of quitting. My COSTS of inaction... just kept going on and on. So now I'm here.
  14. Detox(1) The first step is always the hardest.
  15. Alright, Not giving up. All games uninstalled. Gotta remove all the crud out of that well. Hopefully it fills with water.
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