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Canaus

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About Canaus

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  1. Thanks for the reply. Playing Fortnite has been giving me these dopamine rushes to my head especially when I land a tricky shot or kill a bunch of dudes with a shottie while below 10 hp. My brain feels so stretched out and expanded from all that rush and energy pulsing through my body it feels like the only way to get that again is to drive on the opposite side of a freeway with a bus filled with children and holocaust survivors.
  2. Any strategies for getting rid of your gaming identity when everything up until now has been gaming? This is coming from a person who has known nothing in his life but games, games and games.
  3. Canaus

    Bugg's Journal

    Hello your journal for the past 30 days has been quite inspiring and has given me courage to face the emotion hurdles which lie ahead. I once went without eating any food for 18 days and relying only on salted water and vitamins and found the best way to deal with my cravings was to go to op-stores. I cannot recommend enough checking out at least 2-3 stores in your vicinity you won't believe what second hand goodies you'll find. Since I'm into role playing games (DnD and such) I have found a plethora of adventure books from the 80's and 90's which I've scavenged the maps, illustrations and ideas into my own games. Some of my great finds include a perfect leather back copy of Lord of the Rings with all the super detailed maps and appendixes, a painting some guy did of Xena the Warrior Princess in 2003 for his university art assignment, some ye olde looking tankards, a miniature samurai suit, model race cars, some kitten paintings and a heap of books about the Napoleonic wars. May I also add to this soon to be gigantic block of text investing in a vinyl player if your finding yourself with big blocks of time to spend. Just, sitting back on a comfy chair and listening to your favorite album can also be incredibly relaxing and fulfilling too. How are you going to celebrate Day 30?
  4. Ignore the obviously pretentious and click baity title ........... I just wanted to say hello, this is my 2nd time (100th if you count the amount of times I said I would go 3 months without playing and ended up playing again in the next 12 hours). The reason why I thought I would give it another go is because of my mood which I feel some of you may feel too. Since the start of the year I've been feeling unmotivated, tired and apathetic towards what tomorrow and my future holds. I just want to work a part time job and make enough money to get by while I fill in the time not working and sleeping gaming instead. Currently, I am 21 year old (was about to type 19... that's just how fast my dull life is going) mediterranean man living in melbourne, australia in a high middle-class low crime area into a healthy family. My parents have been happily married ever since I was born, they clothed me kept me well-fed and did everything they could to make sure I finished my primary and high school education and even university. My dad owns 150k+ as a teacher in multiple fields of medicine/science and my mother is an old folks nurse. So yeah I pretty much lived an easy life (which I am grateful for). So - ever since I played on my friend's n64 when I was I think 8 or 9? I have been THOROUGHLY hooked to gaming. When my parents first bought me a ps1 I spent all my first years of primary education staying up past 12 just playing and replaying games then spending the school day half awake, eagerly waiting to lunch time so I could talk about games with my best friend and count the final minutes left of my last classroom period. Fast forward to high school and my gaming habits are getting out of hand, eventually I found my way to the mmo known as WoW... need I say more? It wasn't until grade 10 till the games majestic allure started to wane off me then I started to socialize outside of my h.s. gaming group. I made heaps of friends but none of them too close I got invited to parties here and there but I never stayed too long. My last couple of years were great I had gotten close to my group of friends that I had hung out since day 1 and we still to this day talk and *occasionally* hang out. Either way I finished high school 4 freaking years ago and I like I said I still keep up with my buddies through fb and discord WHO are all doing fine and dandy with their lives and don't play equally as much hours of games than I do - so I'll cut to the chase. I've gotten REALLY freaking fat over time and everytime I try to lose weight my motivation just slips out of my like a ripped bag of sand (poor analogy). I play about 6-12 hours of games mostly so I have something to do while I listen to pod casts (fan of molyneux, rogan, tom woods). I haven't had game enthrall me and keep me engaged for a very long time. The last time I can think of a moment where I was like "WOAH!!!! THIS GAME ROCKS" is when I played GTA V when it first came out. And ever since then I have been buying newly released triple A titles, indie or whatever is on the top of the steam store IN HOPES that any of them will give me the thrill and escapism I desperately desired. Few of them have come close. Either way I've gotten immensely depressed since I started my course (bachelor of i.t) in 2015 and only finished the first year and have prolonged it till now :(. I've also gotten incredibly fat and have been stealing my parent's debit cards to go late at night (usually past midnight) to buy food while I hang out with my two really close friends. I do this with them 2-4 times a week. Either way I am really in the dumps over my weight, my stealing habit and how I have prolonged my course which I feel is a lost cause for when my employer sees my record (also failed a couple of units and lowered my score dramatically) but the worst part of it is I have no zero, ZERO desire to change my ways and I feel content with growing to be an obese ball working part time and living in a shitty apartment. I think my lack of motivation comes from gaming....but however I once went 2 months and a half without playing any games (1 /2 yrs ago) and I felt completely different. [Thanks for reading this far] My mind fog was completely gone and I could think clearly, my sleeping pattern had fixed itself and everything just seemed entertaining and full of life. Before I dreaded small talk with strangers, hated going out with my folks to visit family and could barely hold attention to reading a book or watching a movie for more than 15 mins. What is more is I had high aspirations to get fit, get a job I would love doing, expand my social circle and go out.THEN my close buddy (let's just call him Nick for now) bought me collector's edition of Overwatch. He had been really getting into it and had topped the ranks in his region or whatever. Feeling guilty I downloaded the game and started playing....Needless to say I had gotten back to my old ways and even worse. This time I completely stayed up throughout the night and into the day (which I usually slept till midnight) then I would play a sesh or two with him and we would go out and get food afterwards at night. This bad habit persisted over and over. Overwatch quickly got boring to me since it was mentally UNengaging and since my friend would throw enormous tantrums over the slightest inconveniences in game I quickly stopped playing with his whiny butt ever since. So I had noticed I was walking on the road back to my unhealthy, very poor addiction and I thought the best way to slow it down was to make a timetable, schedule and limit myself to a certain amount of time per day. That quickly went to the way side and I nose dived into a spiral of playing grand strategy games (crusader kings, total war series) and mmos. I can safely say in those last two years since I relapsed I must of put at least 3000 hours into strategy games alone. Every so often I would play for a long period of time (8-12 hours /w 30 min breaks), cook my body on energy drinks and coffee and I would then spiritually collapse and swear of games for 3 months. Then a week would go by and I would tell myself "oh a little gaming is fine if you build schedule and limit yourself". Then I would go back to gaming back as usual then I would crash, promise myself to stick to the schedule then after a week I would go back to gaming then I would crash, then I would promise to never stay up all night and drink 4 x-large cans of redbull and play wow for 12 hours and I would make a fool proof plan .. then a few days go by and I am back at it. Most if not all my high school pals (not including my close circle) have pretty much put games behind them and they all seem to be living happy, fulling lives. They have their latest consoles mostly to watch netflix with their gfs, watch game of thrones on blu ray and occasionally from time to time play a game of fifa or ufc. Since I am turning 22 it really does feel like it is time to put away video games and focus on other stuff. For a while I was into weight lifting, running and walking through trails and parks but as I got fatter I completely stopped doing all those things and just stayed home playing video games again like a little bitch. I know I will always hear from people "oh I have a well paying job and happy social circle but I still play games" I feel for me that I have a dial on the back of my head which reads "Gaming" and only has two settings "No games at all" and "Play 24-7" I feel the middle setting "2 hours a day" has been scribbled out a long, LONG time ago. Giving my extended horrible history with gaming and the fact my mother played on a gameboy advance the whole time while I was in her womb it feels that no matter how many times I try to moderate myself I ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS fall back into my old habits so naturally my only option is to swear off gaming for good. MAN ... just typing those last couple of words gave me a lungful of despair and grief. I feel like half of my life has been dedicated to gaming. Half my subs on youtube are gaming related. I spend my day browsing gaming forums. Most of my inside jokes with my friends are gaming related. My close pals hang on a social gaming app. The discussions I have with my closest buddy is you guessed it all about the themes and other artsy stuff about games. It's going to be bloody TOUGH getting off games especially since I have used it so SO SO very long as a crutch for any anxiety or depression which comes my way. Typing that out I can remember all the times I had my heart broken, failed an important test or messed up some way and spending all the time since I got home from school till 2am playing games (and jerking off). But to conclude I feel good and relieved in a way it feels like I am closing one chapter of my life and beginning on a fresh new page! Hopefully after I hit 3 months or before my motivation and energy comes back I can put it all towards losing weight and gaining the confidence to do the things I once enjoyed and again. Besides all these new games are crap and feel the same anyway, they've had to resort to remastering the classics to get the older crowd to buy their shitty games again. Hey! thanks for reading, good luck to everyone doing their 90-days.
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