JaniP

Day 0 again (non-smoking journal): Yesterday was day 1 of not smoking and it was an instant failure. I had a rough day at work so on one of the breaks a colleague of mine asked me for a smoke. Boom. Bullseye. A relapse, not even 24 hours passed. Then I smoked like 5 more and was feeling sick and bad again. Today I had a day off and I spent most of it with a good friend. As we were chit-chatting I came clean to him - last time we stopped smoking together, at the same time, so I knew it would be easy for him to step into my shoes in this situation. Then I just ditched a newly-purchased pack of cigarettes and my lighter, went to the market and bought some nicotine chewers. Time to make a change for real now. This is going to be almost as hard as quitting games was. Atleast for the first two weeks ? And coming to gaming, I have felt no urges in the last two months or so now. It seems that I got the grasp of things in that field. Thanks to quitting games, I was able to work really hard this summer to get some savings for the uni-cemester and for living. Also I made some new friends during the summer so far. I feel so grateful to have done this journal here and this community has been of a great aid for me. It's time to concentrate on the future now and keep myself in this same path, which one day - if i am fortunate - will lead me to a great success in my life. Catching up here in a couple of days again, maybe in the weekend when this working spree ends ?

Starting a no-smoking journal here now: This is day zero. I started smoking again, just occasionally though, but nevertheless been doing it many times a week now. My goal is first to reach a similar detox, that I just completed. I smoked my last cigarette just an hour ago. Time to make a change and quit for good. It's probably my 15th time now. Last time I lasted over a year. This time I hope I can reach more.

Thanks man! Indeed it was two attempts!

In all its shortness: I completed my 90-day detox today. What a feeling, woah!!! ? Always happy after such "long term" accomplishments - especially with my nature which usually leads to quitting decisions that require a time span of more than one week. Cheers!

DAYS 89 - 90: I DID IT!!!!!!!! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!!!!! Well. Not quite ? Anyway, now done with my 90-day detox, feeling super awesome to have completed another "long term" decision and goal. I am super tired right now and heading to bed, tomorrow I am going to reflect on what I have learned in the past 3 months and going to go through my next plan here.

Days 81-88: Two more days, huh? So, I didn't check in for one full week now. I don't feel bad about it because I had so many other things to do. Work related primarily. Nowadays I use all my spare time on Netflix and music composition, while learning to play the bass. I will have a full revision of my situation, once I reach the ninety.

Days 77-81: Post number 100, hehe. Time has flown for real. Nine (9!!!!) days to go before finishing the detox. For once I have the feeling that I have truly stayed in a long-term decision that I have taken. Lately I had some vivid dreams (nightmares mostly) in what I was gaming again and I was feeling anxious and shocked after waking up - felt like I'd deceived myself! I am glad that it didn't happen. I was having four days of vacation and during that time I was mostly doing sports and having fun with my friends or playing bass and guitar. From tomorrow I am starting a few new projects in my life and one of them is doing programming again to catch up before the semester starts in the university. One of them is something related to my personal life and I have noted that having a journal like this can help in surviving and ending similar addictions e.g. caffeine, nicotine or porn. Tomorrow I'll start, what's hopefully a fulfilling week at work and will enjoy the increasingly warm weather for the rest of the week.

Days 75-76: The day at work was horrible but it also went by really fast. Yesterday wasn't really any different, only the weather was better. Tomorrow I'll start a litle 4-day vacation and I am still figuring out what to do during that. I already finished all the seasons of Rick&Morty from Netflix so it's going to be finding a new series, I guess. Friday at work will be chaotic, but hopefully a bit better sales-wise. Last night I dreamed of gaming. In the dream I was literally gaming and then noticed that myself - I felt devastated. I thought that I had given up and just relapsed out of nothing but then I woke up and was happy that it was just a dream. It happened to me like 10 times during the detox now. Weird.

Day 74: ... was a good day. I felt good - I'd say even blessed - through the entire day, both physically and mentally. I also had a nice day at work and managed to chillax with some quality TV-entertainment and by playing bass. Only had a couple of hours of spare time but I used it wisely. 4 more days until the weekend. 15 more days until "completing" the detox.

Days 69-73: Again, too many days of break from writing here. Nevertheless I think the main thing is still not relapsing. From Tuesday until yesterday it was just plain working working sleeping gym working - cycle and yesterday we had a night out with my co-workers and it was awesome. Oh, and actually on Thursday, I bought a new electric bass, so I can say, that I started playing a new instrument. For two days in a row now I had some cravings for gaming. Or you know, those feelings like "Oh, I can't even remember how was gaming, it might have been fun... Hmm, should I try it again, for old times' sake?" I bet that if there was one of my former gaming friends to provoke and seduce me into gaming again, I would have relapsed instantly in the last 2 days. But good that there weren't. Instead, I got to know my co-workers better and got introduced to bunch of intresting people. It's a start.

Days 67-68: Days are still all full of work so that's why this has been just posting my work-routine over and over and over again. Yet again, I woke up to reach work at 10am and did my own personal best in sales at work. Today I was thinking that my whole life so far, I have been a travesty of consistency: gaming was the only thing that I ever did consistently. Even when I was in school, I would maybe take a sprint of 2 weeks of studying, tell myself to carry on with that and then gaming would ruin it in a matter of moments. Then I would go again back to not studying for another 2 months and miss on every single hard or challenging thing - now, after the medschool exams I know that I would have had what it takes to overcome those hardships in studies... Feels bad to realize it now, but there is no going back. Good that I can still make a change and be multiple times more efficient by doing some research. And actually I don't even need to be more efficient than what I just was - after all, it got me pretty close to burn-out this time. Not recommending that to anyone! For some reason I feel like I want to write something here now.. Can't come up with an idea... I feel anxious because the exam results are coming this week... Well, I can always be grateful. I am actually grateful to myself that I was able to go through all that hard period, during which I was studying so hard, got left by my ex, I was working out, I had quit smoking, I quit drinking alcohol, etc. At the same time I managed to leave behind something so dear to me - gaming. I have to say: I haven't gained much yet because of it, I didn't even expect to gain. Maybe my self-confidence has gone up a little and I am now a bit more talkative and happy? Then again, I can't enjoy myself on my sparetime, as I used to. I am still in the "gaming cooldown". I actually wrote a poem about anxiety and panic attacks: You have been so cold So silent, yet so bold Your heart's pure gold Sands of time turn into mold Your head is filled You fear, that sand is spilled From the hourglass For you it's such a weightful mass You seem to be afraid Confused to seek the aid Every grain you cannot raise It's but a dream you should not chase Your head is never numb Your heart beats like a drum Situation's unforeseen Anxiety makes a scene Your chest goes up and down Your mouth is dry but your lungs drown You are just out of control You seem to be afraid Confused to seek the aid Every grain you cannot raise It's but a dream you should not chase You see your figure in the glass So many times the feelings pass Still they are always coming back You perceive the ruthless vile attack You will learn to suffocate The fear of meeting your fate You will have to medicate Your mind when you're so astray This is how I use my spare time nowadays.. :D Suddendly, I also started showing interest in the arabic language and the islamic culture. Maybe more towards the former. One of my best friends is a muslim, I will have more interesting conversations with him now. Why am I even writing this much? Well, it's still calming me down. As I was telling in this journal before, I suffered from panic attacks and anxiety and I got a prescription for an SSRI med. That is probably causing some episodes like this? I feel that my thoughts can't fly like they used to, but still it's easy to write here. Now I should try getting some sleep, the meds took that away from me last night aswell...

Days 65-66: I've reached a point, where I am seriously questioning my next move regarding my life. It's surely the aftermath of quitting gaming (for which I actually have developed a new mentality lately, I am not thinking of it like I was before) and I have worked hard to get to this point. The entrance exam results will arrive this week (the week starting from tomorrow) and of course this raises questions in my head: what should I really do, if I don't get in? Should I start coding again? Should I continue in my current job? Should I carry on as a musician? Should I move abroad? Many questions... One thing is for sure: I don't need gaming to comfort me in case of failing this time. This is a huge step from last spring, when I got the results and the result was a miserable failure. Back then I relapsed instantly. My detox is soon over and I need to start on reflecting, what to plan after ending it. Probably just making it a "180 day detox" then... This coming week will change a lot of things in my life for sure...

Days 62-64: After a long week at work, midsummer finally arrived. Today I was celebrating in the centre with a couple of friends and I came back home like an hour ago. This is obviously bad for my sleeping rhythm because it's 3:07am at the moment... Well, midsummer is only once a year. Having a day off tomorrow (today) so probably gonna spend it with some music work and watching TV. Also I have an idea of starting a new habit in my life: I want to start getting up at 5:30 every morning. It has surprisingly many benefits, as I heard.

Days 60-61: Again working my butt off this week, as usual. Today was terrible in almost all fields of life: it was cold and raining outside, no customers at work really = no sales, I was tired after sleeping bad, etc *add complain here* .... :D Nevertheless, I am making good progress in getting more and more into the gaming-free life. Nowadays I am still not even thinking about gaming anymore and I am coming along without my gaming friends, better and better each day. I will be using most of my spare time on music composition and watching TV now during the summer, as I have been doing now for over a month or so. It just seems a good way to spend my time after working hard - my mind is kind of really fresh every morning and I can sleep well after relaxing the evenings. Midsummer is here in 2 days so then I will have more time off work! Yay!

Day 59: Spent the day mostly by watching TV, eating and playing guitar. Got a friend of mine to hang out with me a couple of hours ago and we went to see the night-life in downtown. Realized it's not my thing that much anymore... Not feeling bad about that though. Or well, there is one thing: women. It seems to be hard to find any "company" these days in this country if you are not 1) using Tinder or 2) drunk at a bar. Neither of those is interesting anymore. How to turn this positive? Gotta think that at least I have time to study and develop myself now, huh? :D Tomorrow I am gonna watch a couple of episodes more of "Vikings" and then probably start learning a new language OR doing coding again to get prepped for the autumn - in case I don't get admitted for the med school. What an intresting turn of events indeed.

Days 56-58: Been doing a lot of physical excercise lately, roughly 10 kilometers of cycling daily and going to the gym every now and then. Also adding all the ~10000 steps taken at work every day. Today I got to have a full day off from all the activities, so I was just composing music and watched a baseball game from TV. Cravings have been completely gone for some days now again. I am not even thinking of gaming or anything related to that anymore. All my thoughts are on the present day and how to get on with my life in the future. I can't help but to feel sad for all the time lost in my past... I am turning 25 soon and I am still nothing. One of my dearest friends gratuated with a master's degree today and I didn't get any degree yet - even though we started our studies at the same time. Difference? She wasn't a gamer. I was. Nevertheless. I made the mistake of comparing myself to others in the past so this time I'll be happy for my friend and start looking forward to my own success - I know it's waiting for me there somewhere, but I need to take the right path and follow it. This was sort of a mental eruption here but it feels therapeutic to write everything here right as I experience it. Also, 2 days until completing 2/3 of the detox. Gotta start thinking about the plan, what to do after the detox ;)

Days 54-55: Feeling really tired now but wanted to log in for consistency nevertheless. There is nothing special to share, because the days are repeating one other in their activities. So it's basically "Get up -> cycle to work -> work -> eat -> work more -> cycle home -> eat -> watch TV (or gym) -> eat more -> sleep -> repeat" :D But I feel good. I can feel good without gaming too it seems. It's a good start. 2 more days to go until my weekend and 3 days of freedom. Waiting for that. Now getting some sleep.

Day 53: Working on consistency, so better check in and just write something. Today was Day 2 / 7 of the working spree. I promised celebration about the gym yesterday, so here it is: I DID IT! I was already pretty exhausted after the day at work so I went home first, collected my stuff together and headed for the gym. Then had an awesome workout without feeling any dizziness, nausea or anything during it. It was like a dream coming true again, because for over a month I wasn't able to do such a workout because of my condition. Anyway. Now heading to sleep, tomorrow is a tough day too. Maybe not hitting the gym then though. Oh, and cravings-count: zero.

Day 52: HA! Remembered to log on! About to go to sleep, but leaving my trace here anyway. Started the work again today and the day was a regular day, maybe just a little less people there than normally. The day went by really fast and eventually I made it home like 4 hours ago. I started watching a baseball game soon after and then was trying to compose some music. Tomorrow I need to work again. The day will be shorter than normally, but I am expecting more clients, which would mean more deals, which would mean more profit. Nothing special then, I guess. I had no more cravings during the last 3 days now so I think it was just a passing feeling, that I had back in my old post. Tomorrow I will also try, if I have enough willpower to hit the gym directly from work. So far I couldn't do it but now I feel that I might be able to do it easily tomorrow. There will be a celebration about that in the next post if it's a success! 'Til next time...

Days 46-51: It seems I am over with the first half of the 90-day detox already. In the last 3 days I started craving for gaming once again. I went through some gaming-related conversations with a fellow salesperson at work and it really made me crave the social aspect of gaming. My social life has been only a shadow of what it used to be after I quit gaming. In that sense, I was left completely alone and with a void to fill. I don't have a girlfriend or any company to study in. I need to fill the void by myself. This is my biggest obstacle for now and I think that writing this here also helps me deal with the situation and understand it deep down. I am telling myself - DON'T RELAPSE! I'll now have two days of freedom to kill - or to enjoy rather. It's an enjoyment even if I don't do anything. Thanks to the new mood enhancers. Probably I will head for downtown and find some activities or just hit the gym. I don't want to think about gaming anymore... Somehow the subject always lingers to my mind - be it via a friend, co-worker, etc.. Why am I baited so easily with such a subject? I am actually asking now, while thinking about the whole thing, why am I actually intrested in chatting with and getting to know people who are still doing gaming, sometimes even to a problematic extent? I think it has something to do with their personality, which is still very much similar to mine. I think that because of gaming in the past, I nowadays represent a noble, kind and spirited person. Not to mention the ambition. The people that I get drawn towards, represent these same qualities. I was actually writing the previous line in bold on Tuesday evening, when my computer suddendly decided to crash. Hence the break of 4 days in writing... I had two days off and I feel more energized now - ready to take on new challenges for the week. Now facing seven straight days of working at the store. Also found a new way to make my guitar sound a lot better for me. It opens many possibilities for me to carry on my path to become atleast some kind of musician. Returning here again in the weekend. I am on day 51 already, wow, what a journey has it been.

Days 44-45: It seems to be a pattern now that I keep on not writing on the days, when I am bored or when the day is overall just dull and empty. It doesn't mean that it's a bad thing or something really negative - the situation in my life is just at a point, where I am working on a good basis for me to bounce from next autumn. I have been walking on my place for too long now and it's time to make a change in my life. Obviously, that's one of the reasons why I am still here in this community and not playing games. I haven't been having any significant cravings for gaming lately anymore, but the vision and possibility of gaming in moderation still haunts me. I want to get rid of those temptations. Of course not having my PC here to relapse on, helps a ton. Today was special in that sense, that I was able to do a full gym workout. I haven't been able to do that in the last 3 weeks now, because of my condition. I ran out of episodes from the new Netflix series that I was watching and now I am just browsing aimlessly on all the on-demand platforms that I can come up with! So frustrating when I can't find anything to watch! I think I just might not be open-minded enough to just start and try something from there. Most of them must be good at least in some sense, after all. I don't even know what I am writing here now - feels kind of like doodling on a notebook but in some fancy way this is helping me relax. I think I am gonna grab a cup of tea and enjoy the crimson sunset over the lake. Trying to get back here tomorrow (to tell about nothing, but to tell about nothing, even though it's nothing.) What a fancy quote I just created there.

Days 41-43: Monday: I started the week with just working, was feeling anxious as hell and was also a bit afraid of the doctor's appointment, that was scheduled for Tuesday. Didn't succeed well on sales that day so I was feeling down after work. No cravings for gaming though. I decided to keep an eye on cravings for now, since it's been noticed here, that reaching 40-50 days and soon after, it's really easy to relapse. Tuesday: I had the doctor's appointment. My diagnosis was, as I succeeded here before - panic- and anxiety disorders. I wasn't shocked by it, I was relieved. I got a medication and started taking it already. I think it's already working it's magic on me (or it's just the psychosomatic effect) and I am feeling better for now. Wednesday (today): Woke up at 8 o' clock. I was feeling super duper dizzy and tired when I was trying to get up but somehow managed to drag myself out of the bed. Went to work again by cycling - against the wind on the lakeside cycling route. Horrible, just horrible. I felt like dying after reaching work Today I managed to do a bit better on sales and also have been feeling super good physically. I also got to use my russian language skills at work because there was no one else capable of speaking it and the customer didn't speak any finnish or english! I felt good afterwards and boy, was I proud of all the work that I used to do to learn the language! Tomorrow will be the last day of the 8-day working spree and then I will have a day off, finally! I need to figure out the best ways to utilize my spare time then!

Days 37-40 (wow, I made it to 40 already??): Hmm, I didn't even realize how fast time is going on... It's been 4 days already since my last post, makes me feel sad because my goal has been to stick into writing here at least every two days. Nevertheless, I was close to relapsing in the beginning of this week, as I was writing about it. Good news: I didn't relapse. I have just been so busy that I didn't want to spend any time sitting on computer. I wake up every morning at around 9, eat my breakfast, head to work to be there at 10am sharp and then work for 9 hours. So it's almost 8pm when I reach home and then I want to do something like watch a series or play guitar for those 3-4 precious hours before heading to sleep. Thankfully, I have had enough sleep every day and am now in a middle of an 9-day working spree. For me, 9 days in a row is actually a lot. I didn't work like this in the last 5 years or so. Thanks to my depression and gaming problems. Even now I can see my old depression raising its head but I think I can manage it. I mean - it's not like I feel depressed but more like anxious or panicked all the time, as I was telling the other day. Writing here actually helps a little, because it feels like writing a semi-confident diary. Well, I am writing basically about everything in my life here but are there some people to catch me off guard or to attack me by that? I beg to differ ;) I have been doing cycling a lot in these last 10 days now and I hope I can hit the gym soon again so that I won't lose too much weight. Even playing guitar feels fun again. I have felt no direct cravings to game in the last 25 days or so. I think things are going pretty well for me now, even if I feel bad from time to time. Now it's time to watch a new series that I found from Netflix. It's called Timeless. I would recommend this one to everyone fascinated by both sci-fi and history.

Days 35-36: Yesterday was a training day at work, nothing special. Felt a bit better physically so I even went to the gym again. I think it might have backfired today, because I have felt like sh*t again the whole day.... Despite all the hardships lately, I didn't relapse yet. Actually I started feeling, that it's not even the solution to play. Tomorrow I will be calling for a doctor's appointment to resolve the situation. I also want to thank everyone for contributing to my process. I am blessed to have such community around me. Some few people commenting my journal and checking in on me from time to time deserve my highest gratitude. Thank you. I just want to say it out loud here and now because I am too tired and busy to get on replying to everyone - don't get me wrong, I am sincerely reading through your posts when I log in - just replying to them is hard because of time issues. Now again I need to head to bed to take some hours of sleep before starting an 8-day working spree again.

Day 34: Woke up at nine'ish in the morning. Worked for 9 hours and reached home like and hour ago. Feeling super tired and trying to relax (has been hard lately because of the stress ) I also wrote to the relapse subthread where I was going through this situation - I feel that I could relapse at any second. Not by feeling too much urges to do gaming - to use it as a way to reduce stress. I was so good at sinking into the gaming world that it would keep me from worrying about all the negative things (like, will I get in to the med school now, or all the work stuff or studies etc). Of course, this all shortened would simply be: escapism. I simply can't find a way to reduce stress otherwise. Excercise doesn't work - it's become so common for me to go to the gym that it's more of an accomplishment to do a workout than to get some stress relief and fun out of it. Same goes for jogging. This is so hard and now at the same time my friends are luring me to game with them again. Feels bad. I don't know what to do, I just hope I can stick to this decision of not gaming now and I hope there are no triggers (like any negative outcomes from things or more stress) that would make me relapse. This has to be the "darkest" post so far. Well, I know it has to be like this from time to time too.