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Catherine17

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Everything posted by Catherine17

  1. Welcome to the forums, Alex! You may start a journal to write your thoughts, about your progress and struggles. Wish you luck on your journey!
  2. @JustTom I was on the verge of relapsing but I am so glad I could avoid it. I sure do! Thank you for supporting me!
  3. Day 14/90 I said 'no' to YouTube today. After two weeks without games I am ready to move on to the next level. I decided to elaborate on my goals for April a bit. I need to see what I am striving for instead of just keeping everything in my head. 1. Copywriting. I was offered to be a copywriter for a photography contest. It is a part of my training in the student project. Our supervisor insisted that not only we should attend lectures but also gain some real experience. Of course, he is right and all, but I still feel paralyzed. I need to start writing. I am to describe 13 pictures till the 10th of April and I need to present something to the vice president of student society. She believes in me. She offered me this post. I cannot let her down. Why am I not writing? 2. My term paper. The 25th of April is the date of the conference. Am I ready? Hell nope. Can I find some time for it? Hell nope. Am I desperate panicking sobbing mess right now? Hell yeah. 3. Creative writing. Yes, even more writing. I like writing or at least that is what I am telling people. I need to start working on my final project, which only exists in my brain now. 4. Wri…Oh, it isn’t writing this time. I have a small part in the play. I also need to present a poem which I have to learn by heart, maintaining correct intonation patterns and trying to squeeze practice sessions in my schedule. 5. …University, I guess? There are some things I cannot neglect this month despite all extra activities. Like reading. Or doing homework. Or writing that freaking piles of essays nobody is going to check. 6. Tutorship. It’s my job after all. 7. Sketching. This is fun. It helps me not to think of how much of a failure I am and it also inspires me to write. I am trying to build my new identity here. Why are there only 24 hours instead of 48? Or 64? I could use some extra time not to feel embarrassed at the end. I am so bad at time-management that I am going to scream. I am actually screaming right now. I know I need to do a lot and I know I want to avoid sleep deprivation, so I won’t stay up all night. Around the 15th of April I’ll be informed whether my application for a student exchange was successful or not. I avoid thinking about that. If it was, I would only have 15 days to gather all the necessary papers. I am not afraid of my failure. I am afraid of my success. I want and at the same time don’t want to study abroad. I am scared, but I guess I don’t have time to worry about this right now. Right now I have to write. Or think about writing. How many times did I use the word ‘write’ in this entry? I am chanting again and again it as if it is some mantra April is going to be a hell of a month for me, isn’t it?
  4. Day 13/90 I haven't relapsed yet and this is not a prank. Last week wasn't really that good. I was ill and spent three days at home, doing nothing and procrastinating. The weekend, however, went much better. It could have been even better (than average better) if I hadn't been binge-watching YouTube all day long. March was a good month. My plan for April is not to drown in all new activies I've started.
  5. Day 7/90 I start to realize that something is wrong with Tuesdays on a fundamental level. Why does all the bad stuff have to happen on Tuesdays? I skipped three days, but, forunately, I haven't relapsed yet. Though I am really close to relapsing right now. Now i see that gaming helped me to deal with (or ignore) my emotional issues. I had an emotional breakdown again and now I feel even more tired than I used to. Weekend went OK, I guess. I did everything I planned except homework, when I was at home I spent too much time on youtube, nothing new. Too many things are happening now and I am not able to process them all
  6. I think 'comfortable' won't be the best word to describe it since so many people interpret it in a negative way. I would gladly take my work outside of the house, but now I don't see any options to do that, so I have to work with that for now:( It's definitely relatable for me, since my desk area is in my bedroom too. Now I don't have opportunity to stay at university but it's practically impossible to work there anyway. We have the worst library light ever, not to mention that we are not allowed to install additional soft, download documents from the internet and have to constantly put up with loud students. Thank you for advising to work in sprints, hope it might work for me as well. Just loved how your advice suddenly took an unexpected turn)
  7. I am so sorry about your relative, accept my sincere condolences. Take care of yourself and take all the time you need to recover.
  8. Hi, @Juliet Glad you are alright after getting in car wreck! These accidents can be rather nasty occasionally:( The weekends definitely are challenging for me as well. As James mentioned, it's better to get ouf the house and have things planned. Getting together with you friends is also a good thing to do)
  9. Day 3/90 I am slowly making it through the day 3. Day 1 was truly amazing! It started at 6 a.m and I was out of the house for more than 14 hours. After classes I gave a talk about video game addiction on our student conference. That was awesome, considering the fact that I barely have managed to write it. It was so strange having other students approaching me, thanking and complimenting me on my talk. It was the first time I've admitted my addiction openly. And nobody made a big deal out of it. Well, I guess, people tend to be less judgemental when they have their own stuff to handle. I've met a guy from Britain and invited him to have a cup of tea after the conference. We were chatting and laughing and everything went really well. In the evening I had creative writing class. We were discussing Hemingway's story Soldier's Home. I like Hemingway's method but his male characters are...too honest, I guess? I envy that level of honesty but also think that we sometimes need to look better than we are. Especially when it comes to reading something about the opposite sex. I came back home and finally got enough sleep. Enough sleep to ruin the day 2. The classes were alright, I didn't allow a stupid conflict to escalate and let it go quickly. I applied for a scholarship and to a student conference. I hoped that it would help me to get round my term paper. Then I returned home and did my fair share of nothing. I wrote a bit, yes, but it was nothing in comparison to what I have planned. It is hard for me to work home and stay concentrated on boring time-consuming tasks but at the same I want work at home because it is more comfortable. I cannot work outside since my laptop is the slowest creature in the material world and I multitasking gives me headache, so I cannot work during other classes. So I will either fail or develop a healthiest approach to this student routine of mine. Today I am having quite a busy day at university. In the evening a couple of my friends and I are hanging out together but I hope I still can do something afterwards.
  10. @Julietthank you so much for your kind words! I appreciate your support. Fortunately, I feel much better now.
  11. Since mobile games are games too Day 0/90 Now I am trying to finish a huge assignment for tomorrow's project and I need a break. I probably won't sleep today again. Today was fine, I manage to get out of the house, went on adventurous trip (I get on the wrong bus and travelled to the remote part of town. It happens all the time. Once I even travelled to another town....). I bought a present for my mom, her birthday is coming. I even dropped a little hint about it. Unfortunately, she doesn't want to see me happy, because she had a fight with me over...over literally nothing. She asked at what time I'll come back home tomorrow and I said that I don't know, because I don't know. I have this conference and then creative writing in the evening. I really don't know. She kept asking me, however. How would I suppose to know that. Now she is mad at me and I am getting back to self-harm and crying again. How am I supposed to finish all this.... Really depressed now.
  12. Hey, @Juliet! Welcome to the forum! Make sure to find an activity to replace gaming with, something both productive and enjoyable for you. Wish you luck on your journey!
  13. Day 0/90 Well, I did it again. Yesterday I went on an emotional roller coaster, I was sad and frustrated in the morning, then I had an amazingly rewarding lesson with Diana, so I felt pretty much excited, then I was nervous (suddenly felt very scared for my future), then I went to the theatre and it was so great! It was probably the best opera I've ever listened to. The story was related to the place I live and it contained a lot of ethnic and historical motives intertwined. I don't usually enjoy love stories (and, of course, it was there), but this one was something. At some point I even felt that one day I might be able to love someone for real. And in conclusion I installed a game immediately then I returned home. Stayed up all night. I slept for 2 hours or less. I almost ditched classes today. Technically, I still ditched one (I didn't feel well) and now I have to prepaire a lot of stuff. Well, I have a lot of stuff to prepaire aside from that. Aaand I shouldn't play. Mustn't play. I was accepted to copywriting 'school', a two month's project from our university. I did applied for this a couple of weeks ago, but it was the laziest application ever (trust me, I didn't even try to sound good). I am pleasantly surprised to be accepted, but back then I didn't hope much and now I am more than unprepaired. I am glad I will stay busy but I need to work harder than I already do. But there is one game that literally haunts me. I've played it this winter, finished the mein plot but I was rushing things hoping that if I finished that one, I would be able to move on. Now I desperately want to play it again. Nothing helps much. It's like this game is always at the corner of my mind. I know I won't enjoy it, I know I mustn't play games, especially right now, but nothing can make it go away.
  14. Deleted that entry for feeling way too paranoid
  15. @fawn_xoxo, thank you for your response! It's been always hard for me to express my emotions and set my boundaries, so usually I start behaving defensively and then feel awful about myself. I don't know whether my second message to her even contained an offensive vibe. The first message was less personal and we had a deal that four people is enough, but then my friend wrote that it wasn't enough and the more people would come the more fun we would had. Basically, I wrote 'tbh, i meant something different, we all know each other and it may be a little bit uncomfortable for me to have a stranger around'. And then said 'well, at least u bein honest', but I said I am sorry just in case and she said everything's fine. May be I am just overthinking it as usual. What would I do different? I wouldn't send the second message. This story got this sequel today so I no longer need to worry about it being a friendly get-together, because it definitely won't be one. Of course, I freaked out and I really wanted to say what's on my mind (and that would contain an offensive vibe FOR SURE) , then I thought that you wrote to me and just put my phone down. There was nothing I could fix so I decided not to add insult to injury and let it be way this is going to be (spoiler: probably horrible)
  16. Good luck on your coding project! You can make it! I've tried this when I decided to stick to a diet and that worked. It's a nice way of raising your awareness about food you eat. It actually helps to abstain from getting snacks when you're not hungry
  17. Day 4/90 Edited this post since understoood that giving such a detailed story may result badly.
  18. Day 3/90 Oh my, I am surprised I made it to the Day 3. I thought about video games a lot. But I also thought about small sketching course, the upcoming conference, my term paper, my short stories...And it's only Day 3. Today I paid a visit to a research community in my uni. There were five people attending the meeting today. Don't know whether I'll come again. I came across my psychologist and my former driving instructor. Well, they both were kinda busy, so I could say I just saw them. Nodded to my psychologist, who had convinced me into getting professional help first, had promised to recommend me a good specialist whom I could see off the record and then she just ignored me. Last November I was desperate and depressed and probably needed to take medications and she just ghosted me. I am glad she was too busy talking to someone else so I couldn't approach her and ask her what the actual... Despite the fact I didn't pass my driving test and that slowly led me to depression, I may say I cherish some memories about driving school. I'll save them for another day. It takes me a lot of time to write an entry. I keep distracting and I don't like it. I do everytjing on computer, everything. I can't remember when was the last time I spent time away from it.
  19. Day 2/90 Day 2, because it is less mainstream. Yesterday I wasn't sure that I won't relapse. Now I stand more or less firmly on the path. It is Wednesday, the week is going to be intense (or at least I want to see it that way. I have a lot of things planned) On Monday I visited my new pupil. Her name is Diana too (as well as my first pupil), it's a bit funny. She is eleven, she doesn't want to study and she and her mother think that hiring a tutor will automatically solve their problems. She reminded me of myself back at her age. I wanted to study, but I also wanted to spend time with my friends and live a normal life, goals I didn't accomplish. I think we can get along. I don't like children at all but I did my best, trying to teach her without being too much of a grown-up, seeing her as my pupil, not as a random annoying kid, I guess. We'll see. On Tuesday, my Day 1, I took part in what they called 'international event' as a volunteer. However, we were misled and given wrong information about what we were supposed to do. Instead of translating, we provided simple assistance to those who didn't know where they could get a cup of coffee. However, this experience was important for me. I've been envious towards those who did volunteer work, so I went on and tried it for myself. I needed to prove myself that I could do that. I did. Entrepreneurs marked with a seal of abundant life looked at us as we were some furniture for them. I smiled at their jokes, handed out leaflets to them, wished them a good day as a programmed robot and enjoyed it a lot. Today I attended classes, went to swimming pool and to creative writing in the evening. Today one of our professors, who is also a renowned author and supervisor of my pathetic term paper, talked to us about what she called 'the energy of the short story'. She inspired me a lot! (not to write my term paper, however) In the end we all wrote a really short story, merely a draft and presented it to the other participants. I like when people are sharing their vision, I like to study them and they are more interesting than any character could be. I finally got to round to sketching! I used Annabel Burton work as a reference. Her watercolour technique is truly amazing! I used to paint a lot and now I am struggling, trying to come up with something original. I want to heal and return creativity I once possessed.
  20. @BooksandTrees, @JustTom, I cannot thank you enough, guys. I've never been at good at expressing my gratitude, but you should know, that I appreciate it. Finally getting back here, finding your comments, just knowing that somebody found time to write this for me and give me advice...Thank you so much! @BooksandTrees, I should probably print it out. Now I see why I played different kinds of video games instead of picking up one particular genre. They fulfilled all my various needs, contributing to my (various) problems. And gaming made everything seem easier, so when I actually took up new hobbies, they turned out to be 'time-consuming' and 'unrewarding', so I kept getting back to the main source of instant gratification. @JustTom, Figuring out who I am will definitely take some time. Especially considering the fact that I've been 'randomly assembled molecules' most of my life. I'll try to reassemble myself, though. Thank you for sharing!
  21. You are working hard and I believe that you are inspiring other people around you, but it seems that you don't have time for yourself. I am glad that you go on vacation! Take better care of yourself to avoid emotional burnout. As for the coworker of yours, can you really do nothing about it? May be, you two could go on a lunch and discuss the project you work on together , or have a friendly chat, or you could invite some of your other coworkers to discuss the project (or just to have fun, or for something else, or for any other reasonable reason) and invite her among others (absolutely accidentally, of course)? Just take your time, I see that you are prepared for the worst, but there may be no worst. I think there is no ultimate failure or success when it comes to serious relationship. Don't torture yourself, don't rush her and take it slowly. Whatever you will decide, everything is going to be the way it should be (which means, alright:))
  22. Day whatever You know then I said that I was going to get back 'tomorrow' I actually meant that 'I'm going down to the coast of Remorse to drown in lake called Self-Pity'. I spent way too much time on social media, panicking afterwards, trying to finish every assignment needed. I remember watching Tim Urban's TED Talk on procrastination. Absolutely loved this, especially the part about panic monster. Real science, you know. I recalled that because I found out that I have a MONTH before the conference where I need to present my term paper. And tomorrow I will try to approach professor in charge without running away, ashamed and devastated. Now some basic obvious things I've learned from my relapse: 1. Journalling is important (now that's some irony). It is better to write a small entry instead of waiting for perfect time to write something sophisticated. 2. Social media are trash as well as any gaming related sources. Gotta figure out what to do with this information. 3. If you decided to get back, delete everything asap. There were days when I said to myself 'alright, tomorrow I am getting back on track and will delete everything' and then decided to have my one last time, again and again. 4. The last but not least: your physical condition is important. (this is why I haven't slept for 36 hours, very stupid of me) Now a personal thing I've finally realised. I don't know what I want. I am craving for identity, some label would be enough. I need certainty. I lack feeling of belonging somewhere, of being someone. People usually have their own opinion on different issues, minor or bigger. I don't have any. I can convince myself of anything, because for me there is no wrong or right, there are little truths, each of them is true enough for me. I have so many opinions that I have none. The gaming is that it creates a cosy familiar world, where your opportunities are limited, there are rules there. There are rules in real life too but they don't correspond with each other and I simply don't know what rule to follow. This brand new freedom I discover on a detox scares me so much that I escape. I need to learn to trust myself and find the right rules and right truths that would work for me.
  23. @BooksandTrees thank you so much! The one thing that fascinates me a lot with this forum and people of the community is that talent of finding the right words(: I am certainly to reflect on my experience. I believe the main cause to be my misunderstanding of life. There is life one displays and life the one actually lives. It is a bit difficult for myself to grasp one simple truth - what you see on social media is not what you get in real life. Thank you again for your support!
  24. @JustTom Thank you for your kind words! I am trying to concentrate on good things, but sometimes it seems as if one wrong move destroys everything
  25. Day 0/90 I am still here, fighting the good fight! I relapsed on Tuesday (the day 19th), problems kept piling up and I allowed myself to make things even worse. There were no cravings, no 'attacks', nothing that special, I just sat down, got a copy of the game and played. I finished it in 2,5 hours. Then I played another game. And then a couple of campaigns from some ancient TBS. One of the games I used to play had been updated and, of course, I was obliged to check that out too. I also started to watch letsplays and streams again. 58 days without them - and all for nothing. Tomorrow I will write a more profound entry here to reflect on experience I got from my relapse and get back to the community.
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