Catherine17

Day 4 Skipped the day yesterday, since I was very busy with my term paper. I can hear the clock ticking. I haven’t sent anything to my supervisor yet, and it is a catastrophe, but I am on it right now. Hope to send the theoretical research today and practical stuff tomorrow. There is hope…I hope. The worst scenario – my supervisor will tell me to get down to editing, I won’t have time for that and won’t be able to hand everything in on Monday, lose my scholarship and will be having cerebral sex with folks from my department till I am done. Some part of me knows that I kinda deserved all this, but if that happens, I will be crying my heart out till the end of times. And on top of all this – hello, cravings, my old friends. I haven’t get out of the house during these two days, so that can explain it. It is hard to concentrate on Mary Shelley when you think of creating your own golems in a video games. I decided to make this entry to let myself know that I won’t give up that easy. It will take more than some four stupid days to destroy. I should stay on my path. After all, the cravings are a sign that I am doing everything right.

Day 2/90 I am still here. I am a bit surprised by this fact, really. Yesterday I had cravings and only my previous entry helped me not to relapse. If I hadn't written my commitment down, I would have said 'Why not, screw it, I need that one last game' and played. And the game that triggered my cravings is enormous. I mean, it takes players 100+ to 'finish' it. And 100 hours is just one of the smallest numbers, according to Steam. 100 hours, guys. Can you imagine what sort of things can be done in 100 hours if you don't play that game??? It...scared me. I mean I spent more than that...Way more than that. And I know that I am in no good condition for games. I realized that I am bad at working on my long-term goals. I just sit and get all the things done, I never come back. I like sketching, because you get the result in less than 45 minutes, but I cannot imagine me working on something big. Or sketching regularly. Well, it is not even about productive things. I lost my ability to enjoy books or TV-series - I either finish them ( a novel or a season) in one go - or never give it a go at all. I need to develop discipline somehow. Let's focus on good things. My story was acclaimed. The prof said, it was good, the other participants of our Creative Writing school said, it was good. 'Wonderful' and 'magical' are not exactly the words I expected to hear. Of course, there were also some critical things mentioned, but I needed them too. I don't want to get carried away....but our professor has said that I have good chances to be published and she may even provide some assistance. I don't know what future holds for me, but today I am very happy and grateful.

Day 1/90 To be honest, I realized that I cannot progress without making a formal commitment, so here it is: I am on a detox again. Last few days were awful: I played to much, consumed too much content and haven't lift a finger around my projects. Surprise, it wouldn't take my problems away! Everything just became worse! Unbelievable! *sarcasm* It is just so hard for me to realize that gaming doesn't work for me. It is like being trapped in an illusion. I see happy people enjoying their absolutely healthy hobby, finding friends and happiness, and I feel jealous of them. Why are they happy playing games and why am I not happy? Gaming forces me to return to negative thinking without even noticing that something is wrong, I became critical and judgemental of myself, I looked at others and want them to go away, I cannot write or create anything, all my thoughts are concentrated on one desire - to play again to be with 'happy people'. It even sounds wrong. This is not the way it should be. So I am here, buried in the assignments I should finish asap, like my term paper (I am sorry about my annoying whining, but, ugh, my term paper), my short story and my homework. It is time I got down to writing a g a i n. (Hope to update the journal in the evening, unless I would stay up all night again)

Hey, @BooksandTrees! Congratulations on your success in stand-up and finding your way. I can feel the determination in your words and it makes me really happy for you. Keep it up and best of luck to you!

@Sapuverell, yes, that works for me as well. After days of solitude, it is hard but necessary to get back to people and start working again. @BooksandTrees, Thank you for your support! Stil a bit nervous about this whole situation, since I keep seeing him in university around the classrooms I attend. May be I am just a bit nervous about my studies in general and start making things up. But I am going to get through this.

I am taking a few days off, even off the detox. My struggles are not over yet and all I want is some peace and quiet. I don't want to think about money, about job, about scholarship, about exchange, about homework...I want to stop thinking for a day or two. All of these things happening in my life made me forgot about Beltane completely! It is much harder to concentrate on the spiritual when you work all the time. A quick review of the last week: 1. I came in second in the student conference. This is cool because it provides more opportunities in the future (and I don't have to present my report in front of a stricter committee). This is not cool because now I have to write an article based on my non-existing piece of academic writing. 2. Poetry contest went OK, I guess. I should have prepaired better, but when I think about it...It's not that I wanted to win. 3. German Poetry Evening went amazing! We got our round of applause. People were approaching us afterwards, thanking us for our perfomance. After that I went home with the flower wreath in my hair. I thought that would draw attention, but, no. What a pleasant surprise, but I looked gorgeous anyway. 4. I successfully completed 2 copywriting assignments. And I got paid. And nobody told me that my writing sucks (eat it, student society). When I am writing in my native language, everyone critisize me for being too wordy, but English is a whole different story. Wow, I really cannot imagine that I am doing that. 5. Oh, and the copywriting courses are finally over. However, they got my name wrong in the papers. I am Catherine, not Katherine. I will have to probably correct it on my own... 6. I went to my hometown to see my sister. She took part in another beauty contest of hers. Despite the fact it looked like a weird mix of the new Suspiria and The Handmaid's Tale, I enjoyed what I saw. And now to bad stuff: 1. Two nervous breakdowns. Very intense. I am not happy about my current mental state. 2. I have to deal with a creep from copywriting courses. Not a stalker, forunately, but a pain in the arse. I told him I wasn't interested (in a polite yet straightforward way), but he kept bothering me, so I blocked him. I am really glad I don't have any photos of me in my social media profiles. Everything seems fine now, though I am still a little bit afraid, what if he would cause trouble? I hate situations like these.... 3. The final read-through and I am not prepaired at all. And all these things I have to write... I don't want to think of anything.

@ElectroNugget, thank you for your kind words! I appreciate your support, yet it seems the tough times are not over for me.

Day 7/7 Well, I did it. No games during the most challenging week of this April. A lot of things have happened and I am counting hours, waiting this to be finally over. It isn't over yet, but I just want to make this entry. I haven't decided whether I will play next week or not but I probably will. Ugh, why does everything have to be so complicated? Hope to write more in the evening.

Day 3/7 Funny enough, I typed 'day 3/7' and everything was cool, then my mother came in and just ruined everything. Not a big surprise, really. Problems are problems, but I don't see much point in showering me with them when I need some time alone. Like, does she think that I am able to get bajillion euros right here right now? I don't see her point. What did she meant? That I should work more? Well, I'm trying. She isn't helping. By the way, I attended the Student's Conference and came in second. That's cool for a student who did all the work in just 5 days (that's me). I also may have my article published. Sad but true, that turned to be nothing. Probably need to sell a kidney or something to be considered a human-being. I am going to have dinner and then I am heading for the Creative Writing, because I don't want to listen what else should I be paying for. Quick evening update: I regret ever having got back home. I regret ever having spoken to my mother. I wish she hadn't said what she had said. I ended up taking more work, I expected an assignment for a translator, but, wowser, now I need to write an article about academic writing. Real quick. Which means that I probably won't sleep today. Creative writing was also awful. My teacher thought that I didn't want to publish my work and I wanted. I didn't know how to explain it to her.

Day 1/7 I often use games to relieve stress so before going back to them (probably going back to them, I haven't made my mind yet) I decided to survive the most stressful week of this April without games. A bit of a personal challenge here. Today was busy. I finished my report which I'll have to present this Wednesday, but it certainly needs to be edited. Gotta do that tomorrow. I had an amazing lesson with Diana, which was refreshing since her mother tried to encourage me to explain mathematics to the little girl. I am not a mathematician, so our previous two lessons were the opposite of enjoyable. Glad we made it back to English. I sent my application to the university, I hope everything is in order. I sent all emails though I hate sending them. I am bad at replying. The next thing was rehearsal...and it didn't go that well, but, anyway, it was fun. Let's hope that tomorrow I'll be as productive as today.

Hey, congratulations on reaching the 2 weeks milestone! You are on the right track!

Well, I am not on a detox now, still trying to figure something out. Today was a bad day, nothing made me happy and I will probably be staying up all night, writing and working on my presentation. Last days were a total mess, but the upcoming week is going to be...something. Almost every project I've been working on this April are coming to the end. Everything has to happen during the next week: the student conference, the poetry contest dedicated to Shakespeare, German Poetry Evening, the last copywriting session...And, of course, all our profs be like: 'let's shower these pathetic creatures with homework and extra assignments'. Oh, and I also had to prepare all the papers for the university before the deadline. So, if I survive all these, this will be an achievement to be proud of. At the same time, there is a game which still haunting me and I don't know whether I should try to finish it before my 21st birthday or I should call it a day RIGHT NOW and try to stop thinking about it. I don't know...

Day 1/90 ...I can't believe I did it again. I told myself that I wouldn't play games on computer again. But mobile games are still freaking games. I am not even into them. The problem is that is much easier to create obstacles on computer than it is on a smartphone. Seriously, here a junkie is able to get heir fix in one or two swipes. Each time I face a new obstacle to stumble upon and fck up. Guess, I have creativity after all. As for the copywriting project, I decided to set my priorities differently. Term paper comes first. If they could wait for me, they would. If not...well, I am not excited to handle such attitude for free. Honestly, I hate it when bunch of kids start playing 'adults. I regret ever joining this project. I know how the student societies operate. It is all about the student leader, who passed the jerk test and now is in charge. Nobody cares about our academic perfomance, get sht done and don't you dare to demand human treatment. Morons. I need to be angry and I need to be focused. Hope I can manage everything and then think about the reason I relapsed this time.

@JustTom a professional told me that there is a room for improvement and I shouldn't leave. The president of one not-so-big student society whose fancy suit makes me think about Student Loan Fund somehow managed to put dicks, cunts and asses in one sentence about my writing skills. He should have better focused on grooming. I am thinking whether it is worth it. It is not a job, only a lame photo contest and I cannot donate brain cells to sound stupid and 'natural'. I have only 9 days to finish my term paper and some other assignments...

Day 26/90 I am really in a bad place right now. Stuck in the 'Devil wears Prada' Universe. They sent me back a reply considering my writing for the contest. I am not sure how I would put it correctly for you. Guess, I was just told to give head. My writing sucks, my skills suck, everything sucks. 'You are not writing for a newspaper, you know', 'Shove up that up in your arse'. Yeah, that's me, a glorious underdog. And there are they, knights in shining armours. Screw them, honestly. I am only a doormat to people who pay me. When I take my time to write some decent stuff for everyone, not just for a bunch of retarded students, I expect to be critisized in a little more ethical way. I know I make mistakes, but...whatevs. I don't know what I shall say.

Oh, accidentally forgot to add my favourite sketch so far. I could really use a walk in the forest right now

Day 24/90 Today was normal. I took a walk after a lesson with Diana, though I should have just headed back home by bus. 7 km is a little bit too much at the end of the week. After classes everything seems to make me feel miserable. I took the old route, I used to walk it when I was trying to get a driving license. I felt uneasy when walking near the place. In the evening I just relapsed on my days without letsplays and I am watching them again while making sketches. I thought I ran out of paper, but found my old art school supplies. It kinda me feel sad too, because...They are old. It's been 6 years since the day I quitted. Now I am an artist again, whatever that means. I don't want to run out of them too. It sounds weird, I know, but I don't like running out of things. It is a memory. Now it will be gone. A bit confused about things really.

Day 23/90 I have planned to work on my term paper today. I decided to do it whatever it costs, even if I had to chain myself to the computer in the library. Life have planned something for me too. After having classes, I went to the library. Then my supervisor wrote me telling me that she needed me as a copywriter. On completing my assignment, I got kicked out of the library to another room since they value stupid events more than their students’ progress. It was really noisy there, but I managed to concentrate long enough to finish my homework. I was about to send an essay to a professor, when this stupid iron bucket they call computer glitched. It sent this damned letter twice! Two freaking identical letters to the prof who hates me! Guess, who is gonna be mocked on Monday. It made me sad and I was tired so before I headed out for the rehearsal, I decided to have a cup of coffee. It was expensive but was worth it. First, rehearsal, then a 5 km walk and now I am finally here. Home, sweet home. As for the term paper…I really need to do something about it, but I had a long and hard day, so journaling and sketching are priorities right now. I am exhausted.

@JustTom I just get emotionally involved in whatever information I consume, though event considering this, I didn't expected that I would react to a simple life coaching video the way I did...Thank you for recommending him, anyway! Other two videos I watched were quite useful.

Day 22/90 I am still here. I even passed a milestone of 21 days. (I have relapsed last time on my 21st day of detox). This is important for me, though, I am not sure whether I am going to relapse soon or not. I have cravings now and then but usually don’t have much time to tend to them. Time to remind myself what I am doing here. Every day I am working on building the writing habit. I write each day, gaining new experience. A student from our department has approached me and asked me to write a couple of assignments for her, for a reasonable price, of course. It was a challenge, since I had only 2 days to finish them all. I made it and now I have both experience and money. Pleasant. I also did some copywriting on Monday after taking part in translation contest. Translating is a wonderful mental exercise. It combines both the rational and the creative and is what I truly enjoy. Though with all this stuff to finish I hope I will be able to get to translation only in May or even in June. People are usually not a problem, though I am struggling to overcome my anger. There is one person in particular…Gosh, I almost hate her for no reason, except for her being an antithesis of what I value in people. She hasn’t always been that way. Now she is complaining all the time. I don’t like negative vibes of her and I don’t know how to overcome the desire to beat that crap out of her (figuratively speaking…for now, I guess). I cannot identify the source of my anger and repulsion and thus can’t overcome them. She used to be my role model once. I may be angry at her because now she no longer matches my expectations of her…But what I know for sure is that negative emotions make me unproductive. I don’t want to feel it. It’s her problem that she is what she is but the way I treat her is my problem. I am trying to develop some kind of positive attitude. Right kind of ‘positive’, not the ‘positive’ that makes me cry. Life is life. Some things cannot be changed. Others can be. But I can control my attitude. A problem turns into a challenge, exhausting work into endurance test. People…Mostly they are nice. World doesn’t seem as hostile as it used to be. Bad things happen, but I believe that God watches over those who cannot protect themselves. Oh, I wrote the part above before going to the swimming pool. It was wonderful! But then I got back… I got an e-mail. From the Exchange Department. They said ‘Yes’. I thought I would have at least 5 more careless and free days. No I try not to get carried away, dreaming and creating unrealistic expectations. To be honest, I feel awful. I cannot even answer the chairwoman from the Exchange Department. What did I get myself into this time? Well, at least, I have one more reason to continue the detox.

Hi, @BooksandTrees! Long time no see! I am so sorry to hear about your loneliness and I understand that. But sometimes you just trick yourself into thinking you are only and lock up yourself in this cage of loneliness. People around you, here and there. I am not sure how your work exactly works, but you really shouldn't push yourself too hard. If the crying becomes the only way to release stress...it may be the time you changed something. Like if your have a list of assignments and have a task for each day, it can be more sensible to do only what you are asked. Without slowly killing yourself! After all, if you are planning to keep the job along with dedicating time and attention to your book or animation you need to set priorities. Your negative idea of yourself stems from neglecting your physical condition. HALTED-thing, remember? Maybe you should try to reach out to them yourself first. They are your friends, they do care about you, but they don't know how to show it. Just let them know that you would enjoy these little talks and you would be glad to talk to them more often. People are not uncaring, they just don't know what sort of support you need unless you tell them Please, take care of yourself, you are very resourceful and self-aware, you just need time and rest and a good course of action.

Day 18/90 Yesterday I allowed myself not to write anything after university, except for the essay on ‘Der Steppenwolf’. I drew a sketch and after that went to the cinema to see ‘The Pet Sematary’ with my friends. I didn’t expect that one to be a good horror movie so I was pleasantly surprised (and pleasantly scared). Then I had an evening without devices and read a good book, so everything was ok. Today I checked some Leo Gura’s videos on my phone (I blocked YouTube on my computer). So, here are some of my thoughts: Fake Growth vs. Real Growth The main idea here is that people tend to substitute real growth with the fake one. They pursue clear visible success instead of changing their mindset, so it only seems that they fix their problems. The real growth starts only when you decide to create a new you and get rid of the old version of yourself, which is a painful and long process and thus unattractive. The only critical note from me here is that sometimes you need to change environment and some external circumstances before being able to change your thinking. But it is just a small addition, the video itself was good. Negative thoughts Oh, I really liked that one. He explained the mechanism of negative automatic thoughts. A person has a lower-self and a higher-self. Lower-self focuses on physical survival and general well-being. This is the source of negative thoughts. Higher-self contains your goals, your vision, your values, but you are not able to pursue them if the lower-self keep creating negative thoughts. A list of pretty much standard tools of beating negative thinking: 1. Being aware of your negative thoughts and what causes them; 2. Affirmations; 3. Meditation; 4. Creative activity; 5. Contribution. Positive Thinking You may as well skip the next chunk of text since this is just some pathetic crap. This video got me triggered a lot. It reminded me why I don’t like this concept and life coaches in general. POSITIVE - happy or hopeful, or giving cause for happiness or hope: HAPPY. Enjoyable, cool, awesome, nice, wonderful, amazing. Life doesn’t always consist of these only things only. There are bad things, surprise. For me it is about ACCEPTANCE. I am accepting that bad things happen. Sometimes Leo talks about it and when he just says ‘Oh, try to be cheerful all the time and you will be freaking happy’, ‘See opportunity in every challenge’, ‘If you can’t do that, something is wrong with you’ – I am familiar with this kind of messages. During high school, I was bullied and abused. I know my family needed to move to another town so I could study there, I realize that it wasn’t only about negative stuff and there was an opportunity and all. But if only I could trade all my nightmares, my almost successful suicide attempt, my well-earned PTSD, all these rape threats and stupid gossips that still affecting my life…I would have done that. I would have lived in a small town (since I would have left it anyway in two years when I had to study), a small life, but I still could live and love. I lost more than I gained. Three years have passed but now it feels like I would never leave that school. I would never be romantically attracted to anyone and would always suffer from flashbacks whenever I hear ‘Think positive’. That was what teachers and headmistress told me when I was filing an official complaint. The end of personal whining of me. Oh, it feels a bit easier now when I wrote that down. Funny but I think I can relate to Leo’s words in terms of addiction, but, yeah. It is not something works for anyone, I guess. Suppressing your negative emotions is not an option. You should allow yourself to feel bad when bad things happen, but negative thoughts should not dictate your life.

Hey, Kendall! Wish you luck with a detox! To my mind, watching YouTube videos about games is a straight road to relapse. It is the unstoppable flow of content which makes you crave more. So relatable, tbh. They provide a sense of distraction from your own thoughts. I used to 'listen' to some of them while trying to work and always ended up getting back to the screen, actually watching it, rather than doing what is important for me

Actually, this is my second day without YouTube! I know what causing all these negative thoughts. I used to silence them with game videos and now I faced them. But I don't know how to deal with them.

Day 16/90 I am inconfident about and terrified of what I am doing. No, I am not lazing around, but each time I stop working, everything becomes so overwhelming and so scary, so I am fleeing, trying to find the ground, trying to explain to myself what the hell I am doing and why I am doing this. I see things, bad thing that may happen and will happen, this constant feeling that something ought to happen is killing me. I like my life without games. I like what my doing. I am at the right place. The sense of the unknown terrifies me. Oh, I know how I sound right now Alright, back to real life. I showed to my supervisor some of my texts about photoes. I felt like a total failure, but she said nothing bad. There are some thing that can be changed and there is a room for improvement, but something feels off. Everything will be fine. I am just learning. Yesterday we had a meeting with a writer, he was really cool and... Every time I try to write I just cannot find words.