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About JustTom

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  1. JustTom

    It's still ok to listen to videogame music?

    I think it can be okay for some people. I personally have a very deep addiction, but soundtracks don't trigger any cravings for me, even if I'm listening to tracks that I've listened to while gaming. That being said: this means clearly it's not a good idea in your case. There's a lot of mind-blowing music out there, the few gaming OST albums are not worth it.
  2. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Detox Day 1 | Got up: No | Pomodoros: 16 + gym It was almost hard to believe, but for the most of the day I felt okay! Like, normal! Which is a fantastic improvement. After work, I hopped into the gym and it felt soo good. I even talked to people around me a little bit and I had a moment where I genuinely laughed and smiled - haven't had that in weeks apart from some random chuckles from memes. It's so amazing getting from the head into the body, even if just for a few moments. After gym I 'wasted' 3 hours watching videos, but honestly I am more than happy with my mental progress. I do have to finish one thing for my supervisor so uhhh looks like I'm staying up till 5am and getting up at 8. Unlucky, but has to be done, so tomorrow will be a dangerous day to not relapse, so I will focus on not relapsing. I think the best plan is to push and workout after work again, which will just put me to sleep immediately after.
  3. JustTom

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    May I ask where you're going with this? I haven't really been following your journal so far, but this sounds spicy 😄
  4. JustTom

    Journey to my white coat

    I'm on this plan.
  5. JustTom

    Never Ever Give Up

    Fuck yeah buddy let's GO! Never choose the comfort of despair and numbness over real life! No matter how hard this is and trust me, I've been trying for years, never ever give up! Cue the cheesy battle metal: https://youtu.be/7woW7DmnR0E?t=93
  6. JustTom

    It's never over. Another afterparty journal

    Damn I should put THIS on my wall lol. I felt every word of it, very true.
  7. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Alright, yesterday I did game and it felt miserable. It usually does, but yesterday it felt particularly pointless. It set my mood back, it reinforced the brain fog, it made me oversleep and not work the whole day. I'll try to deliberately detox from today on. I will also attempt to re-frame my thinking. I've been focusing only on the negative for a very long time and, granted, I feel like most of my life IS the negative, but in order to move forward, I need to focus vastly on the positive. So whenever I catch myself thinking about how something about my life sucks, I will instead replace it with something that is good. I will try to remind myself of this at least when I update the journal. EDIT: Though I'm not sure what to do in the evenings and on the weekend currently. I have a few things in mind but definitely not enough to fill out every hour. Guess I will accept boredom and try to figure it out eventually. Or just read and spend time reinforcing my mindset.
  8. JustTom

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    I always find it strange that you call watching videos a 'relapse' ha. I completely understand, but in the context of this forum it always strikes me eyes.
  9. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Unofficial Day 2/90 | Got up: Yes | Pomodoros: 11 Didn't game today. Huh. Had to go to the uni after lunch to talk to a prof. and then I didn't get much done because I was super tired. I haven't slept enough the last two days and I was pretty sore from going to the gym after a month or so yesterday. In the afternoon, I went out alone just for an hour to cold approach really just for practice. I thought I would just give 5 compliments and go home - something to warm myself up after a relapse. For 40 minutes, I was really just walking around full of anxiety. I was over-analyzing everything and was in my head like crazy, which was expected so that's fine. The girl was always either 'too young' and I felt like I would be creepy, or 'too old' and I felt like I would be creepy, or not pretty enough or in too much of a hurry or on a 'phone call' or with a friend or other million reasons to not approach. All of them bullshit 99% of the time. And whenever I buckled up and started walking up, the SLIGHTEST thing would interrupt me, I would flinch, hesitate and give up. For example, a girl moving her head even just 2 degrees to where I was coming from - I flinch and pretend I'm going somewhere else - wouldn't want her to think I was stalking her or something right? Or even worse - that I would try to talk to her? *sigh* So after 40 minutes, I finally walked up to one, said she was looking nice and wished her a nice day, she was surprised and said thanks, bye in a very neutral way, which is a pretty normal reaction for something that random. Right after that, I got like a mini panic attack. And, this never happens to me, started hyper-ventilating for a few seconds. Had to go to the closest store to just breathe for a while. After that, I decided to pack it up for today and go home. Pretty sad, but as Tyler says: "You either get bitter, or you get better". So, to get better next time, I will keep in mind to just go with it once I start walking up. No matter what happens, even if she looks straight to my face and sees me going towards her. Just say hi and if she's weirded out, just calibrate, acknowledge the randomness, or even apologize if she's really uncomfortable(though this never happens). Because what's the worst that could happen? You won't see each other ever again. Cool. I have to say I've been having a hard time breathing lately. I have a lot of negative energy built up. I will meditate with breathing focus after writing this and go to bed. Apart from getting up and going to my internship/thesis job, I'd like to start slowly working on some habits. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself by trying to do everything at once though, but I do feel like my mood is very slightly improving so I'll just write out things I will eventually incorporate(no commitments yet): Affirmations in the morning for 3-5 minutes Push-ups in the morning to wake me up - I've been doing this before, it's great "Go out or Work out" - the daily schedule allows me to squeeze in either a workout session or a social session on weekdays after work. I think this would be a nice thing to follow Reading - before bed every day for ~30 minutes after journaling. Whenever I did this in the past, it was immensely therapeutic and helped me sleep better and wake up fresh. Meditation and/or visualization - daily. It's obvious to me that this is important, I just never did it for more than 3 days Devise the "Emergency Plan" - set of actions to follow once I feel like I'm close to relapsing/going into depression and a set of actions to follow once I do fail, to get me back on track. Think about what I want in life and write a mission statement Just brainstorming here, there's probably things I forgot. I will try soon 🙂
  10. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    But how do you create that if it's not the case currently? Affirmations? I don't know. I should do affirmations though. I'll try to get up early enough tomorrow to squeeze it in. By the way, I got up in the morning and went to my job for the second time, so things are looking up! Still feel a gloom of despair and pain inside and there are lots of vision of the future that scare the shit out of me, but I try to not think about it and take it day by day. I know I'm in a bad place and these thoughts are just fake manifestations.
  11. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    I think so. Though in a similar way that a strict, successful father would love his drug-addicted dropout son, I think I do love myself, but I also resent and disgust myself. If that makes sense.
  12. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    NO! I am NOT dead. How DARE you even suggest that IIIIiiii - I - would be out of the game? You fool! haHA! NO! Unofficial Day 1/90 | Got up: Yes | Pomodoros: 18 Started my internship yesterday. First day at the job. Spent 9 hours in the office focusing quite well and also went to the gym in the evening, then talked to dad and chilled with some RSD videos. Felt... bad(to not make it too dramatic), but that's how things are nowadays. Better than yesterday though, so that's pretty good! If I actually start consistently posting now then I will surely ramble about the past two months later, but the TL;DR is: Had a month off reserved for improving my social skills, meeting girls and exercising, instead I spent it all gaming and in the second heaviest depression period of my life. Had a resit exam at the beginning of february that I didn't even go to due to anxiety so I will need to retake the course in november. I've been feeling crushing loneliness, anxiety, sadness and massive, massive disappointment. I truly hate the person I've become and I don't respect myself at ALL. But that's okay, there are many second chances in life and I'm still young with lots of time remaining so I will try to crawl out of my despair and hopefully eventually have a day that I don't feel like crying. It's been a long time since I had one of those. Today I didn't game. Not really by decision, more like by exhaustion. But since that exhaustion was caused by me deciding to stay at the office longer AND going to the gym, I can chalk it up as a detox day. Even though I haven't fully committed in my mind yet. Just kidding Karabas, don't worry
  13. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    I honestly really don't want to. That's the worst part, I know I should want to quit, but I don't want to >{ I know my life would be so much better, but just the idea of going into the real life spikes my anxiety so high I feel like I just want to run. It's 16:00 and I've finally convinced myself to not give up on the exam and try to cram in as much as I can during the ~12-14 hours of studying that I have left before the exam. There's nothing more I can do at this point. I was considering for a very long time to just give up, which would allow me full two days of gaming. It's a resit so there is a small chance they will leave some portion of the questions the same which gives me some chance of success. Not a big one, but I will try my luck at least.
  14. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Still stuck at the moment and don't want to ramble yet, I'm just opening the thread so that I can post every day even if it's 100% failure reports. I've got the last exam on monday which, if I fail, I will have to re-take the whole course in November sooooo let's not do that yeah? So far it looks very likely, but eh, I've gotten lucky before so I'll give it a shot. I'd love to type in here a comprehensive plan and start a detox counter but I would just be lying to everyone here. Hopefully I'll pull myself up soon. EDIT: Even though I did go to the uni, I wasn't able to focus at all, I was sleep deprived, my thoughts are flying around, there is a ton of self-hate and on top of that, it feels like my brain is not used to thinking - I literally feel dumb. Communication is at a 0, I pretty much looked exactly how I felt - I'm a mess. I think I studied 2 hours total.
  15. JustTom

    JustTom's 30-Day Challenge Journal

    30-Day Challenge Days 4 & 5 I got bamboozled by the local gym, apparently during the weekend they close at 2pm, so I missed both days because I overslept haha. Eh, whatever. I'll make it up.