Jump to content

JustTom

Members
  • Content Count

    512
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Country

    Netherlands

Posts posted by JustTom


  1. Yeah so to actually update: 

    • still gaming, bad mental state, but not COMPLETELY fucked
    • reversed my sleep 'schedule' back to normal
    • got to my job(monday), but productivity is at like 5%
    • Got in touch with one of my best buddies from my home town, he's also struggling with gaming for years but he doesn't get into depression or solitude and he never committed to a real detox, though he knows he has a problem and tries to 'moderate'. We kinda joked around the fact that we're both super addicted at this very moment and went something like "yeah shit's fucked, let's play LoL tonight". So that's what we're gonna do. I know I shouldn't, but if I don't, I'm just going to play overwatch anyways. Or try to quit again, but I'm having hard time even starting again. I've failed so many goddamn times.. I'd like to see something to give me confidence to keep going beyond a few weeks, but other than completely changing my environment and doing something out of the ordinary like backpacking through europe for 3 months,  I can't see it. I know this is just looking for external solutions, but I just keep doing the same thing detox strategy and failing over and over. Do I even want to quit gaming? Maybe I want to be a gamer my whole life? No, that vision is like a nightmare to me, but the vision of QUITTING gaming is ALSO terrible. What the fuck, brain? I just don't know. I'm going to read through my old journals, maybe I'll see some successful pattern. 
    • Like 1

  2. On 3/14/2019 at 6:51 PM, Silverlining said:

    If you have suicidal thoughts, you really need to see a therapist

    Bahh, I'm still very far from that don't worry! 

    On 3/14/2019 at 9:01 PM, karabas said:

    I do get the sense from you that when you're on the detox, you're always "going". It doesn't seem like you allow yourself any downtime. It's like you always have to be doing something: gym, school, pickup, whatever. I think that's part of the problem of our modern lives: we're always plugged in and always trying to "maximize" our daily "efficiency". Our brains need down time. I'm Muslim so I end up grabbing at least 25-30 minutes a day by virtue of the daily prayers + some more time because of my spiritual routines. Whatever it is, I think you need to work in some down time for yourself. Think of it as a time investment.

     

    I've noticed this as well. I think it can be one of the reasons why I go back to shit-mode so frequently, but it's weird because when I'm detoxing, I'm not FORCING myself to do all those things. It's what I genuinely want to do - I genuinely want to be productive all the time, be social all the time, squeeze every minute of the day towards progressing myself. Going to the gym for example, I never give myself specific goals and don't use any like motivation techniques to force myself to go. When I'm detoxing and I'm feeling good, I want to do some exercise because it makes me feel even better. So I don't know - should I actually force myself to slow down? Seems counter-intuitive. 

    On 3/14/2019 at 10:02 PM, Catherine17 said:

    Speaking of wake-up calls...Even if you think about your situation that way, it is a wake-up call. The thing is that talented or not we will never 'fail enough'. We will never be visited by a friendly murderer next door, who'll tell us how valuable our life is. We should figure it out ourselves.

    Take all the time you need to recover and remember that you can always return and we will be waiting for you.

    True. But you know how in the movies there is always some big event that triggers action? Something epic, something super dramatic like the protagonist losing their job AND getting divorced AND the car breaks down AND their dog dies or something, THEN the characters finally says "fuck it" and just goes for it... whatever "it" is. Like the movie American Beauty, have you seen that one? An absolute piece of art. Well actually there is no dramatic event that happens in that one to initiate the life-renewal, but you get the point 😄 

     

    • Like 2

  3. Ugh, I relapsed. Idk why I keep sabotaging myself. I was doing awesome for a week and one day I overslept again, I just had this anxiety when I 'woke up' and I couldn't force myself to actually get up and go to my job, so I didn't. I switched off wi-fi so I wouldn't hear slack notifications, I didn't reply to any texts, I didn't pick up the phone when my dad rang. So when I got up at like... 18:00? I was so fucking disgusted myself and still feeling the anxiety, I just started playing starcraft, which is my gateway drug that lead to overwatch this time. Now, of course I didn't have my account since I gave it away like a year ago - haHA! I just bought it again for 20 euros! I figured hey, it's just like two dinners so who cares anyway. Nice one Tom, very clever. The 20 bucks was truly the only cost, there was absolutely no other investment in the game at all. Oh, except for literally playing 16 hours per day for 5 days, but I don't value my life or my time anyways, so that was a freebie! WHoopie!

    How fucking dumb am I. Anyways, after 3 days of trying to revert my sleep schedule(unsuccessfuly), I stayed up all night to go to the office(I actually did it, yay) , so today I'm just pushing through a ~30hour day so that I go to sleep in the evening, rather than morning. I won't get anything done at my internship, but my supervisor is on vacation for two weeks, so I will totally get away with this shit. I'm fairly certain that was an enabling factor in my dumbass brain. I know exactly how to walk on the edge of catastrophes, avoiding them just right to maximize play-time. This reminds me of my final exams of my high-school. There was this compulsory graduation subject that I absolutely hated(slovak literature) and I studied for like 5 hours total for it. I'm not even exaggerating. These exams are super fact-intensive and require days upon days of studying. I got a 4 on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the failing grade. I only didn't get a 5 because one of the teachers felt sorry for me and was friends with my girlfriend at the time lmao. Even after I got the results I thought to myself - damn, I should have gotten a 5 to have a wake-up call(and take a gap-year). Sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at crawling out of bad situations. But then again, being able to convince people to get me what I want is a very useful skill. 

    So yeah just an update. I don't have plans on re-starting the detox just yet. Tbh, I would never do it myself of course, but if some psychopath murderer would come to my house and blow my brains out, I wouldn't even be mad. Maybe I would be slightly upset, after he had murdered be, you know? But I wouldn't complain. After getting shot in the forehead repeatedly. So if there is a psychopath murderer on this forum, you know maybe get in touch. Maybe we get along, grab a coffee first, talk about morality being made up by corporations to buy more pepsi-cola cans or some shit idk. Just end me already because I will keep getting away with failing, never learn, and ultimately live to see it all through to the bitter, mediocre end.

    Maybe I should quit everything and go backpack through europe without a laptop for 3 months. Huh.

    • Like 1

  4. Detox Day 11 | In Bed on Time: 0/30 | Pomodoros: 0

    Detox Day 12 | In Bed on Time: 0/30 | Pomodoros: 14 + DG + Gym

    A real up-and-down journey haha. I'm not even gonna comment on thursday, but today I felt fantastic. My work on the thesis is going pretty damn slow, which is a bit worrying and there is also this glooming vision of having to take an extra course in April and May to get the 6 missing credits I didn't get this December. It should be on the easier side, but even that will be like 20 hours per week average. Can I pull 60 hours per week for two months, but for real and with almost-to-no hiccups? I have 3 more weeks to decide if I want to do that, or finally start working on a side hustle instead. Thinking...

    Besides that, I have dark secret that I might or might not reveal here in a couple of days, depending on how things go. 

    • Like 2

  5. Your writing seems very close to my experience as well, huh. Hang in there! One short tid-bit I'll add regarding this:

    4 hours ago, Catherine17 said:

    I don't know what I want. I am craving for identity, some label would be enough. I need certainty. I lack feeling of belonging somewhere, of being someone. People usually have their own opinion on different issues, minor or bigger. I don't have any. I can convince myself of anything, because for me there is no wrong or right, there are little truths, each of them is true enough for me. I have so many opinions that I have none. 

     

    Defining core values is important to be cognizant of who you *CURRENTLY* are. Emphasizing currently because you will, and should, re-consider and change as you develope. Quoting a classic thinker: "Otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you". For example, here's mine I wrote out some time ago: 

    On 7/23/2018 at 12:59 AM, JustTom said:

    My friend is changing careers and wanted to hear a new perspective, so we had a long-ish skype call and I talked a little bit about reasoning from first principles, which I stole from Elon Musk and how it can be applied to life and career choice as well by first defining the core values of your life, then building upon them what you want to do in life that aligns with those values and finally what methods to use, what professions to take in order to realize that. So as a nice evening mental exercise, I will list my core values in life:

    • Excellence
      • I really value striving to become the strongest version of myself. I see the unbelievable capacity of the human brain and body and it always seemed right to me to try to develop that as much as possible. Therefore, I try to take every decision in my life such that it pushes me into becoming my greatest self in the long-term, even if I sacrifice short-term results or take risks. 
    • Creativity
      • I have immense creative potential, although very unconstrained and untrained in most areas. It is, therefore, my value to project this into the world for no other purpose than to materialize the creative ideas.
    • Health
      • Self-explanatory, but I don't shy away from things that other people label as 'unnatural', such as supplements or even treatments/operations that preserve health (some of them sci-fi)
    • Freedom
      • I don't consider myself shackled to a particular location, country, ideology, methodology or anything really. I value being free to move from 1 thing to the other, borderless mindset.
    • Contribution
      • It's not just pure excellence and creativity. If no-one saw my art, or if I was excellent and creative in something that I did not believe brought value to other people, I would feel very incongruent with myself. 

    I might add some more later, this is just off the top of my head. Surprisingly to some people perhaps, family and money are not my values. Money is really just a tool, a resource to be acquired in order to better exercise the other values and I'm not family oriented probably because of how I was raised. My family was never really super community oriented or close, plus I had no siblings, which I think is a big deal. Spirituality I feel like I SHOULD have as a value, but right now I'm just not in the place and time of my life. I am sure I will get into it within the next 4 years for sure.

     

    • Like 1

  6. 3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    Thank you. We eat lunch together every day and have for a long time. We do company events together but haven't spent time alone outside of work before. We share life details and we talk all day. It just feels very obvious that we'd have feelings for each other, but she also talks to other guys the same way sometimes and has mentioned she'd never date a coworker in a group conversation when we brought it up as a group. I'm just confused and feel like I only like her because I haven't met anyone else. I just really like her passion for life and happiness. Things I don't have at all. I'm painfully depressed, but when I'm happy I blossom and am the center of attention. I want to be happy. 

    Have I sent you this already? I've been posting this vid a few times on this forum, but don't remember where. I really believe this thing is crucial and very few people are aware of these basic concepts of human behavior. 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1fAWT6eRWA

     


  7. Detox Day 10 | In Bed on Time: 3/30 | Pomodoros: 16

    Pretty mediocre day. I'm identifying this obstacle: I come home at 19-20 and the plan is usually to eat dinner, hit the gym, come back at 22 and then have 3-4 hours to work on the rest of my life goals. The problem is that while eating dinner, I get really comfortable and I feel like I just want to sleep immediately. It's fake exhaustion. It's slipping into comfort and my ego trying to stay where I was in the past. Sometimes, I manage to push through, sometimes not. Today I did not - so I just browsed the internet and slept around on the couch in a very inefficient manner. I have to stay conscious of this and push myself tomorrow. Unless things go according to the primary plan. In which case, I will stay conscious of this on friday hehe. 

    **************************************

    @Silverlining@TwoSidedLife I don't care enough about this to counter-argue, I just know therapists are not for me. I do, however, have a coach for a specific purpose and just after the first session, I've seen amazing results. I will also be looking for business mentorship very soon. I think I will take Gary Vee's path of offering free value in order to gain insight and experience, I'll plan on the weekend. 

    Oh also, @Silverlining, are you not journaling anymore?


  8. You're waiting for external circumstances to make you feel better. Even though treatments can make your body stronger, that is only a small factor compared to your own mind. What if the doctor doesn't have anything useful for you? Are you just gonna give up? Are you only going to fight hard if someone else gives you a bone? That's like flipping a coin. If you retain this mindset, there will be another external circumstance that will put you down and then you'll say the same thing. "If only XYZ didn't happen/happened!". One of the main tenets of self-development is taking responsibility for your situation. Doesn't matter what bad or good things happen to you, it's always YOU who chooses how to respond to it. And the range of responses you have available is massively wider than you think. Don't wait for someone else to fix you. Fight the hardest you can to take the absolute best action at every moment and if somebody makes it easier for you - cool, you can run faster. If somebody makes it harder for you - cool, you still keep going. You are the master of your life, not some dumb bacteria or a doctor or whatever the fuck. 

    • Like 1

  9. @LordFederickRamsay Good shit. Once I have my lower-level needs satisfied at least to a reasonable level, I am definitely intending to read more about spirituality, which will inevitably include buddhism. Therapists - Iiiiiiii don't know. I've had one for two months and I don't think it's efficient for me. I much prefer an accountability partner or even better, a coach. I know all the theory, when depressed, learn how to get out of depression right? So there's almost nothing new a therapist can tell me. It's about taking action and staying driven. 


  10. Detox Day 9 | In Bed on Time: 2/30 | Pomodoros: 17 + Gym

    I really didn't feel like getting out of bed, I really didn't feel like going to the gym, I really didn't feel like focusing, but I pushed myself and did it! Successful day. 

    Two things to mention today: 

    I'm going to clean up my room and do some long-term planning after a long time. I feel like.. I don't know. I feel like I'm on the right track in terms of mindset and productivity(will get higher in the upcoming weeks, just don't want to over-push right now), but the content... 

    I'm doing the internship/thesis just for the degree and why do I care about the degree? 50% to have respect from my friends and family, 40% because I am and have been in the past, afraid to quit, and 10% because it might be useful. The thing is, I never want to make big decisions when I'm in a bad mental state. This, combined with my constant relapsing and try-harding for the past 5 years meant I have stagnated really hard. Now I'm starting to have a clear mind again. Will think about the next steps to take before bed. I am starting to feel a real sense of urgency. 

    And the second thing:

    I have this friend of mine who is absolutely crushing it in life and I don't think it's making me jealous, more like it's making me really really crave the lifestyle he has. Again, if I didn't fuck around for the past 5 years but actually followed my values, I would have been even farther than him. FUCK. No point here, just venting. Although even entertaining these thoughts is probably just slowing me down. I'll try to stop and only think of the positive. 

    • Like 1

  11. Detox Day 8 | In Bed on Time: 1/30 | Pomodoros: 14 + DG + Gym

    Evening update: Goddamn I felt SO. FUCKING. GOOD. Today. Wow. This is like last week that I had a day where I got into a flow randomly, but that was only at work and I was just researching, today, it was throughout the whole day - being out talking to people, working out, focusing in the office, enjoying the lunch, even in the morning I felt very clear and content, despite only sleeping 3 hours. I don't know exactly why, but I'm feeling such strong presence that I've possibly never felt. It's like a nice warm buzz in my forehead. I'm not going to put expectations on myself based on my best performance, but damn does this feel good. If I could sustain/re-initiate this presence, I'm 100% confident I would achieve most of my dreams within 5 years. Even if an economic crisis came(which it's going to), I would still conquer whatever part of the world I wanted to. 

    Even if I detach the feelings and look purely at time management - I did 7 hours of work and a DG session AND squeezed in a workout in the gym AND I'm possibly going to clean up my room. WTF. I barely thought that was possible before. I have some suspicions what might have changed in me, but I'll first see if this is remotely consistent before talking. 

    So yeah. Fingers crossed for tomorrow. I'm putting bedtime as successful in advance to push me a bit more. In the impossible and disgraceful-to-even-think-about-how-dare-you-even-suggest-that case that I would fail, I would change it to red tomorrow. 

    Also, got my protein supplements after not taking any for months. I can start intermittent fasting again to work towards that 6 pack(I'm not even close yet). 

    ALSOOOO.. I've heard a lot from Rachmaninov(my favorite composer), but this is the first time I heard this and it LITERALLLLYY blew my mind. I think my brain has melted and is coming out of my ears. Absolutely unbelievable. 

     

    • Like 2

  12. Detox Day 8 | In Bed on Time: 0/30 | Pomodoros: TBD

    Morning update: Just posting here from work to keep myself accountable and to not forget to make this commitment. I want to commit to going to bed 7 hours before getting up every single day for a whole month. I've stayed up yesterday browsing the web again and it's one of the things that keeps me back the most. I have to be INTENTIONAL about how I spend my time. Bring presence to all my activities. 

    • Like 1

  13. 1 hour ago, info-gatherer said:

     

       Hide contents

    On a side note, my main champion on LoL got reworked

    😞 I’m sad both because the old one doesn’t exist anymore, and because I’d like to try the new one... but I’ve been out of the game for so long that going back would mean to invest too much, too much time in it 

     

     

     

    Yeah I've done that this christmas. Felt terrible. 

    • Like 1

  14. Are you sure you can't think of other outlets? And do you even want to just find an outlet to 'waste time'? I can think of tens of ideas on the spot even if I broke both of my legs(I really don't know what you have so I'm just kidding around:) ). Try to sleep on it, meditate, visualize, think of what you want to do with time and then if you can't figure anything out, let us know. Of course it's always 100% your decision, I'm just verbalizing how I would approach things(theoretically, the implementation is a struggle for me too!)


  15. Welcome back. Awesome that you came back so fast! This is a long-term oriented process so don't worry about it. It wasn't all for nothing - you went for 58 days! That's incredible! Imagine how much time you would have wasted otherwise and how different would you feel if you hadn't succeeded for 58 days!

    • Like 1

  16. Detox Day 7 | Got up: No | Pomodoros: 0 + coaching

    The 0 pomodoros is still green just because it's sunday. Normally, I would consider it to be horrendous, but I'm trying to just take it slow and steady. I will set more ambitious plans for the next weekend for sure. 

    It's 9pm on sunday and I do feel cravings to game. Partly because I watched the starcraft finals of ESL. I will make sure not to game or watch more today. Since that tournament is done, this is a good opportunity to not consume gaming content for a longer time, as a part of the second week of the detox. 

    Putting out this fantastic podcast clip here. We consume media because we need escapism to escape from life that seems hard, but it just makes it harder. "And the more you love your life, the less you need escapism". 

    EDIT: Oh great apparently you can't embed a soundcloud track with a timestamp - it just disappears. 11:30


  17. On 2/28/2019 at 11:16 PM, Average_Guy said:

    Maybe I'll get some more insight into whether or not I can consume gaming content (videos not streaming) at all later.. 

    No. Absolutely not, don't do it, it's a trap. Consuming gaming content only makes you cling to the old life and identity of a gamer, it reinforces your mental relationships with the players/streamers and makes you want to play again. And EVEN IF that would somehow magically not be the case - what would be the point of consuming gaming media anyway? Ask yourself why do you want to watch that stuff? Does it help you progress towards your goals? Does it help you relax? If so, is there not enough amazing non-gaming content that does the same or better job? Does it make you happier? More healthy? More present? I would wager it's the opposite. Quitting gaming is just the first essential step, but there is more to this whole process - it's to change your lifestyle to be more aligned with your values and aspirations. For that, we need to give up some of this comfort, it's just not worth it. 

    Cam also has a video about this.

    • Like 2

  18. Detox Day 5 | Got up: Yes | Pomodoros: 16

    Keeping myself busy. So much so that I forgot to post for yesterday, so there it is. 

    Detox Day 6 | Got up: No | Pomodoros: 0 + DG + social

    Kickass day today! Felt really good during and after the DG session. Ended it on a high note. I slept until like 2pm, so that was bad but I'm not focusing on that on saturday, though maybe I should. Tomorrow I want to go again so I gotta wake up reasonably soon. Now it's 8pm, I'm going to have dinner with neighbours/friends, then just tidy up my room, chill, and go to bed soon. Things are shaping up, I can now feel the hope for a happy life again. Before I only knew intellectually that it was there, now I can kind of see it too. 

    • Like 1

  19. Detox Day 4 | Got up: No | Pomodoros: 16

    Wew, somehow I survived. Mornings are getting unbelievably difficult, mostly because I never go to sleep on time. Today I am, so that's good. The fact that I skipped work on Wednesday was really bad, but not catastrophic, so the fight continues. I have a lot to write, but it's too late again. I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. I'll go to the gym after work again and then finally do something social on Saturday. If I wake up in time. 

    On 2/27/2019 at 5:00 PM, Average_Guy said:

    What book are you reading btw?

    I read it extreeemely occasionally, but 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem - one of the best books in the world imho. Other than that, a lot of podcasts and/or audiobooks. 

    • Like 1

  20. Detox Day 3 | Got up: No | Pomodoros: TBD

    Bad news. I stayed up until 3am watching a movie, so then I overslept, didn't want to get out of bed for anything. I didn't go to the office. I did this last week too and blamed it on sickness, this time it won't fly. I don't know, I sent a message to the supervisor, I'll see the reaction... Now I feel like shit. I will not go back to games today, neither will I watch anything gaming related, I will keep that at least. And another thing, there is an amazing social event at my uni starting in 30 minutes. I don't think I want to go anymore. I know I should but I feel super weird after sleeping so long and my confidence is crushed again. ...I just hope they don't fire me lol.

×