Bugg

Yes, for now at least I am. I need to volunteer as my next step, and my work rota makes that pretty impossible, no-one will accept me as someone who can only commit to one day every 3 weeks, and that wouldn’t serve me very well anyway. I work full time and have to frequently cover overtime on top of this, I don’t have the time to commit to volunteering. If I wasn’t planning to move soon I’d look for a new job to solve that problem, but at this late stage there would be no point. I am doing all I can at home to further my knowledge and keep my passion alive through research and documentaries, I have emailed some old contacts in the area of local sustainability to see if there are any opportinitues I could be a part of, for now that is all I can do. You’re right, I think drive was the wrong word, what I meant was that I am not making any significant progress in moving towards the goals I am passionate about.

Day 30 update. Goals achieved: plenty of water, meditated, gratitude, did a workout, played guitar, practiced German, drank ACV. I have work later today until tonight so for now I’m gonna chill a little. I intend to read before bed this evening, I won’t be able to comfort eat since I’ll be at work but I have packed a sensible supper to have. Currently I feel peaceful. I had a little chat with myself. I recognise my life currently lacks anything to drive me towards my passion; eg animal welfare or environmental sustainability, and this is causing a constant state of anxiety and dissatisfaction, guilt even. However I also realise that my current temporary situation very much prevents me from committing to any endeavours of this nature. And so I have let myself off the hook, for now, I know that once I have moved up north in August I can begin that journey in earnest, for now I am focusing on recovery and self care, as those things are important too. I am happy that I have achieved most of my goals for the day.

Day 30. Officially one third of the way through my detox. What have I achieved so far? Well, I’ve let go of a significant part of my life, that in itself I think is a huge accomplishment. It is true that in letting games go some other less desirable coping strategies have resurfaced, but ultimately this has only cemented my resolve in working towards improving my life and wellbeing, so that those coping strategies won’t be needed. I’m working on developing healthier coping mechanisms. This is a journey. @Canaus What am I going to do to celebrate? To be honest I don’t feel much like celebrating yet, things have been far from ideal and so I will save the celebrating for when I am feeling a little better about my progress. Today I am really feeling the urge to game quite intense. I miss games. There is an aching in my chest, a longing for that feeling of mastery - to feel as though I am good at something. I know this is because I haven’t been really achieving much else in my life lately. I think one of the reasons I managed to game so little whilst studying was because I was gaining this sense of accomplishment from my good grades. I found it hard to write gratitude today, it took longer than usual. I am learning a lot about myself through this process... or rather taking things I already knew but being able to piece them together into the bigger picture. It’s interesting. I’ve become aware that I need to learn how to accept helpful insights from others. I have a terrible habit of automatically diving into all the reasons why that solution is ‘not for me’. Instead I should learn to just say thank you. Whether or not I find something to be useful right now, it may be one day, and constantly thinking of all the reasons ‘why not’ automatically dismisses it in my mind. I do it here on the forum, in real life, even in therapy. I can be so quick to dismiss suggestions from others, and I really do not like this character trait in myself. With regards to working out I’ve been experiencing a total lack of commitment. Today was my first session in a week. I’ve been similar with guitar and German too, I need to further develop my skills in self discipline. I think perhaps with working out I sometimes set my expectations to high, if I expect myself to work out for an hour this can be off putting, so instead I’m setting a goal for at least 20 mins per day. That is achievable and not so off putting, after all, it’s not like I’m trying to be a bodybuilder anyway, I just want to be a bit healthier. I like Joshua Fields Millburns goal (The Minimalists) of working out 18 mins per day. He does that because it’s realistic to him, I need to set goals that are realistic to me. I’m introducing the goal of having a tbsp of apple cider vinegar each day, in an effort to regulate my insulin levels and curb food cravings; an experiment if you will. These food issues are really getting me down but I know that when I can stick to a workout routine this makes healthy eating easier for me. Lately the loop has been to binge on an evening, then feel so ill the next day I don’t work out, and so the cycle goes on. Today I worked out despite feeling ill, I’m trying to break the cycle. So it would seem my 30th day is a day of reflection. A day for summarising. A day for moving forwards, past the problems and moving onto solutions. Gratitude; 1. Friendship, 2. Raindrops on the window, 3. Optimism, 4. Determination, 5. Control over my own life, 6. New ideas, 7. Help and support resources, 8. Kindness, 9. Patience, 10. Understanding.

I’m really glad my journal has given you inspiration :) I’ve never heard of an op-store, is that the same as a charity or thrift shop? I do really need to remember to listen to music more often to just chill out. Thanks for the suggestions :)

Day 29 Donated some things, did some chores. Had a friend over for some food today, that was really lovely and I had the opportunity to discuss some of the problems I've been facing recently - which was helpful. This evening hasn't been great. Still no gaming, but other old habits die hard I guess :s I dunno, feeling a bit demotivated, wish I had a reset button. Goals; drank lots of water today, meditated, did gratitude journal, finally practiced some German and I played some guitar today. Gratitude: 1. Sunshine 2. clear skies 3. warmth 4. friendship 5. chocolate 6. rooibos tea 7. soy milk 8. the internet 9. silence 10. joy

Day 28 Had work today, it wasn't too bad. I'm relieved things have calmed down a bit now. I was chatting to the other staff about it all and they reckon my manager is being so nice to me now because my standing up to them has 'scared' them a bit, their words not mine. I don't know about all that, but I am glad I stood up for myself, and I'm glad the situation has improved. I came home and did some chores I'd been meaning to get done for a while, I had a little dance and a sing, now I'm cooking some food for later in the week, and then I'm gonna cook some food for now, then I'm gonna have a chill evening. I've decided I am gonna give up Netflix, but in not liking to leave loose ends I'm gonna finish the stuff I'm watching first, and then if I do wanna watch stuff in the future (since I have free access to the account anyways) I'm gonna save it for time with friends and family. I've found sitting down to a movie with or a show with other people is far better than getting sucked into bad 'alone-habits'. Goals achieved: meditated, drank plenty of water, gratitude. Gratitude: 1. Silence 2. green spaces 3. rainbows 4. clouds 5. birds 6. Pip 7. good health for my family and I 8. spur of the moment creativity 9. good food 10. clean water.

Day 27 I feel great. I feel great because I've just totally spur of the moment gone and written a poem, and I rather like it, and it's not even 10am. ((Please; call me Bugg.)) What's in a name you say, well Father gave it to me on my birthday Is it a gift to be cherished forever Or simply a label one can change whenever Recollections of the past, a little girl confused Who am I, is this normal, utterly bemused Anamnesis, ruminating long hours A dark cloud above, wandering under it's showers This moniker serves as a link to the past Sunny skies succeeding, a brighter forcast Advancing onward lets not forget our history No need to do away with a name completley Pronounce it how you will, it makes no odds to me But if my name must stay part of your vocabulary I'd prefer it to be saved for use formally Otherwise a sobriquet is fine, the rest a mere memory He? She? I'm a Bugg now, you see. I'm just me. -------------------- Thankyou @Dana .. our conversation totally inspired it :) Goals achieved: meditated, did gratitude, drank lots of water.. so far at least. Gratitude: 1. Memories 2. ability to swallow pride 3. birdsong 4. clear skies 5. NHS 6. opportunities 7. a loving, healthy family 8. tools and resources for self help 9. warmth 10. fresh, cool mornings.

Yeah, perhaps once my relationship with food is a little better, then I'd be happy to speak about what I've learned 🙂 No probs on the spamming, needs must.

@Dannigan Thank you :) Perfectionism indeed, another blessing and a curse it would seem.

Welcome (again, lol) I can really relate to your story. I'm 27 and soon to be also moving back in with my parents, although hopefully not for too long. I also have adhd and personally feel this played a big role in having spent so much time playing games. I've also gone through cutting 'druggie' friends out of my life and I know how tough and alienating that can be. It's hard to meet new people, I wonder, now that you're back after 90 days, what are your reflections? Did you meet some new people? What activities did you turn to in the end?

Welcome :) I still recoil a little at the term addiction, although logically that does indeed apply to many. I'm not sure whether that term applied to me or not, all I know is that I'm here, on day 26 of the 90 day detox, and I'm glad I've quit games for this long. Good luck.

Day 25 At work all day. Didn't have time for anything. When I refer to all-day shifts I literally mean I start work at 8/9am and I finish at 10pm, I'm not just making excuses, lol. I meditated when I woke up and I did my gratitude journal so that's something. Day 26 Just been replying to all of the support I received yesterday. To be honest I found it a little overwhelming that you guys had so much to say to me. Thank you. I realise I often reply to advice with something like 'No, its this way' .. or 'Not really, it's more like this'. I don't mean to be so negative, I guess it's just a habit I have in trying to explain what I mean. I am in any case very grateful for your advice @thehondasc00py @Regular Robert and @Dannigan. I've been thinking a lot about these food related issues, and whilst I haven't gone full relapse, I have definite entered the territory and I'm being very mindful of this. Noticing my behaviour, observing it and analyzing it to work out the WHY behind it. I have dug out my resources I was given in therapy least year and began using my distress tolerance box I made for myself. This is a small paper box I filled with mini flashcards to use when all I want is to escape my feelings; craving a maladaptive coping strategy. Some examples of those cards include: (on one side;) THOUGHTS // (on the other side;) Other thoughts, Activate other healthy thoughts and actions. Count to 10, count colours in anything you see, do a puzzle, watch tv, read a book. IMPROVE THE MOMENT // imagery, meaning, prayer, relaxation, one thing, vacation, encouragement VACATION //Give yourself a break. Get into bed and close your eyes for a brief while. Switch off phone for a day. Sit in park for an afternoon. SELF SOOTHE 5 senses // vision, hearing, smell, taste, touch HEARING // listen to different kinds of music, listen to nature, sing, be mindful of present sounds. etc. If anyone reading this would like a full list of the cards to make your own, if you think it could be something you'd find helpful, I'd be more than happy to type one up, just let me know. But yeah, just been thinking a lot while I was at work this morning. Thinking about loads of different things; the present, the past, the future, my family, my best friend, minimalism, technology. I think I need to quit Netflix alongside games, I'm spending too much time on it. I don't have a financial incentive to quit as a friend very kindly lets me use their account, but I really do need to stop. Moderation is something my brain seems to have great difficulty with. :S Goals achieved: drink plenty of water, meditate, gratitude list. Gratitude lists, yesterday and today's: 1. Birds 2. nature 3. homemade ginger water 4. oats 5. probiotics 6. clear skies 7. a loving, healthy family 8. the nhs 9. a new day, a fresh start 10. minimalism 1. Headspace app 2. ability to sit with hunger, even for a moment 3. fresh, cool water 4. good health for family an friends 5. improved health of one of our residents 6. employment 7. free-time is my own 8. freedom to choose 9. tools and resources for recovery 10. determination and optimism. Bonus gratitude for the day; Migraine medication!!!!! Oh, I'm doing The Minimalists '21 Day Journey into Minimalism' too. Today was day 2. I'm enjoying it so far. My days probably won't be consecutive due to my work schedule and trip away in a couple of weeks, but I may post one or 2 insights from that in my journal too.

Thank you for the kind words @JSmith

Day 22 Had a little lie in today, first chance since the clocks changed, I think I needed it. Got up, meditated, made breakfast and extra for work since I’ll be sleeping there the next 2 nights. May or may not update tomorrow as I’ll be at work all day, literally. Also made my evening meals for work too, gonna be having chilli. Nom. Good food makes the long shifts easier. I finally did a proper workout, went for a full body rather than a set group since it’s been so long. Pleased to see I haven’t lost too much strength. I really need to work on my pull-ups. Gratitude: 1. Nightmares that remind me that life could be worse 2. Birdsong 3. Cups of tea 4. Cinnamon raisin oats 5. Tidy spaces 6. Sunshiny sunshine 7. The ability to let go 8. Patience and understanding 9. Empathy 10. Nature Been craving games all morning, there’s a bird outiside that sounds just like the sparrowmint from viva piñata.. makes me wanna sit and design a garden. Craving gta and a bunch of other stuff. Sigh. Getting frustrated that there are so many things I want to do with my time each day, but there doesn’t feel like there is enough time in the day to do them all, and when I put my head down and try and do them all I end up totally burnt out. I’ve felt like this as long as I can remember, and I think turning to games or tv and neglecting almost everything else was my way of dealing with that frustration.

Hi, I'm familiar with a website that uses the gamification principle; Habitica. As they advertise; it's an app/site used to gamify your life. I've considered it whilst I've been detoxing but for me I think its just too close to a game for me to feel comfortable with, I don't think I could use it productively without it making me crave games. Ultimately I don't want to gamify my life, I want to live it. However, that's just my personal take on it. We're all different and if you can incorporate those things into your life in a productive way - that doesn't lead to cravings for actual games - then I'd say go for it! :) I'd still probably steer clear of them during the detox though, to give yourself time away from those reward-based systems, perhaps?

Welcome and good luck! :)

A surreal moment. As I declutter my house I have found the invoice for when I purchased my PS4. When I'd been at uni I'd only had an xbox 360, I'd played all my games to death prior to uni and found it fairly easy to avoid playing during my studies, with the exception of my DS. Once uni was nearing a close I bought myself the PS4 as an early graduation present. The invoice tells me I made this purchase on March 13th 2017. Looking back over this journal I finally sold it on March 15th 2018. Pretty close to a year later, only 2 days off! What really stands out to me about this is it took less than a year for gaming to become a problem area in my life again. This shows that even after the detox, be that for 90, 180 or even 365 days, the reality is if I allowed gaming back in, it doesn't take long at all for it to take over completey. I gamed a lot before uni. I pretty much spent 5 years stoned on the couch with a controller in my hand; I used to joke that Saints Row was the greatest stoner game because I could cruise control and still hold a spliff, haha. My life was a mess. During my time at uni I was still gaming, on PC, on DS, but I had fairly decent control over it as I was so focused on my degree - and so paranoid about failing. (I also had a good handle on my weed habits, and today have almost entirely quit with the exception of the odd social gathering). Point being; I can't go back. After the detox I may play some DS, but also I may not. That's something I haven't decided on yet. But as for consoles and PC games, I think they're pretty much gone for good.

Day 21 Had work, came home, showered, currently listening the The Minimalists podcasts whilst I continue to declutter my house. Work wasn't too bad today, I think the threats from my boss may have been bluffs as nothing has come of them, but I'm being careful none-the-less. Meditated this morning, been doing well to drink plenty of water, gonna work out tomorrow as I've let that habit slip recently (I struggle to exercise on work days if I'm working mornings). Gonna make myself a tempeh burger for dinner soon, yumm. Guitar and German practice still on the backburner atm, decluttering is taking up all my motivation at the moment. I'm not stressing though. Still craving games, was daydreaming of games today and yesterday, still plodding on and not going back. Still thinking about my Grandad, still sad, obviously, but that's life I guess. Gratitude: 1. Taking a moment to stop 2. Little Pip 3. Nice things 4. Determination 5. Blue skies 6. Fluffy clouds 7. Trees 8. Podcasts 9. Movies 10. Essential oils

Day 20. 20 days, wow. Today has been ok, been at work, my manager is still being awful but I'm trying to just get on with my work and rise above the drama. I have a feeling I'm gonna get called into a meeting with the big boss tomorrow, but; it is what it is and what will be will be. For tonight I'm making a Sunday dinner with Tempeh, and then I'm gonna get on with scanning and sorting through my things as part of the big declutter, whilst listening to podcasts. It feels good to finally have the time to do this. Hobbies have been pretty much put on hold, but I still feel like I'm making positive progress with something I've been working towards for a while. Still meditating daily tho. Gratitude; 1. My bonsai 2. Spring 3. Waking up in time for sunrise 4. Meditation 5. The NHS 6. My loving family 7. Minimalism 8. Salad 9. Fresh, cold water 10. Charity shops

@Reno F Yeah my thinking was leaning that way too, as much as I really wanna play them, it would probably be wise not to. I have the forest of doom :P They were actually my dad's when he was a kid and he gifted them to me years ago. I'm currently reading through Pratchett's Discworld books so I'll just stick to them for now; there's more than enough of them to see me through the detox :P I do really enjoy tabletop games with friends, I should probably arrange a meet up rather than just sitting waiting to be invited to one..

Day 19 Had work today, it went well as I was working with a really lovely member of staff all day. Came home and did some sewing to fix my slippers, called my mum to discuss some things. Been craving The Sims a ton recently, I just keep telling myself it's better to live my own life than to waste time simulating a virtual one.. Yesterday was pretty crappy, or I felt crappy and very on edge, tho in hindsight it was still pretty productive, and I did manage to meditate in the end too, I meditated this morning before work as well. My dad called me late last night to tell me my Grandad has cancer, which sucks. It's really advanced and there's not a lot they can do. I'm not dwelling on it since it's totally out of my control, there is literally nothing I can do, I don't even live close by right now so I can't go and see him. It did bring me back to reality somewhat though. I'm always grateful for my own health and that of my family and generally don't take that for granted, but it reminded me how lucky I am, despite the difficulties that sometimes occur. Gratitude: 1. A mostly healthy family 2. NHS care 3. Museli 4. Chia seeds 5. Tidy spaces 6. The Minimalists 7. Respawn 8. Singing 9. The happiness of others 10. A loving family

Thanks @Tycoon and @Arch. Yeah, I'm working on the singing and playing thing, I guess I'd put it on the backburner when I stopped singing but perhaps it's time to really put some effort into that.

Would be good if I could just do one entry per day, but alas, I prefer to post in-the-moment. So anyways, just a quick note to remind myself really.... I had a little sing this evening... and daaaaammnnnn did it feel good. But I'm so out of practice too. I kinda want to add this to my daily goals, but then, it seems indulgent. Why improve my singing ability if I don't ever use it in public? But then there's little chance I'll get the confidence to do so if I never practice. I used to sing loads, then I hit 25 and just though, why bother? But I really enjoy it, perhaps that's enough. I kinda feel similarly to guitar too. Food for thought.

A while ago I thought I'd donated my dice from when I used to play DnD, and I was sad about this. But today I found them. I'd wanted them so I could roll stats for the adventure books I have (Steve Jackson/Ian Livingstone). I still really want to replay these books, especially now that I have the dice, but I don't know if that is such a good idea during the detox. On the one hand they aren't a video game, on the other hand they aren't social like board games either. So.. what to do? I guess it depends on the individual, but I'm curious to hear what others think.

Something else springs to mind. A while ago I'd thought I'd donated my dice from when I used to play DnD, and I was sad about this. But today I found them. I'd wanted them so I could roll stats for the adventure books I have (Steve Jackson/Ian Livingstone). I still really want to replay these books, especially now that I have the dice, but I don't know if that is a good idea. On the one hand they aren't a video game, on the other hand they aren't social like board games either. So.. what to do?