Bugg

@JaniP Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a detailed response, it really means a lot :) I spend so much time focusing on technique that it takes me forever to learn anything because I want it to be perfect, thing is of all the songs I do know, I can't play any of them to perfection, which is demotivating in itself. Thank you for the advice on songwriting regarding others' music, that's really interesting and I'll keep that in mind for when I do try and write something of my own. I think I do have that problem with time, not in writing music, but in learning it. I know I need to be patient with myself, but that is hard sometimes. I hadn't actually heard of Guitar Pro 5 & 6, I'm not very clued up on anything related to composing, besides what we were taught in school. I find it really hard to find confidence and as a result that has a detrimental effect on my drive and thus my ability, I reaally do need to just stop worrying so much, but then I've been at this so long now already I often just think; if I haven't gotten over this by now, perhaps I never will? Perhaps I was never meant to be a musician. I have often thought of selling my guitar and moving on, but that fills me with such sadness, I can't let go. When I go to concerts I return home with vigour, but that only lasts so long. You're right; I need to spend more time surrounded by music and perhaps that will help. I think it's a stretch to consider myself a musician at the present moment, I've spend many years practicing a lot on and off over the years, my ability has improved slowly, but I'm still very much a beginner, I can only play a bunch of others' stuff, when I write things for myself they are very simple and just daft little riffs rather than songs. I think this is another guilt contributor; the fact I've owned a guitar for so long but that I have not committed enough to practice more frequently and improve to a more advanced level. I used to sing a lot, that I did practice each and every day for many years, but then when I still didn't have the confidence to sing in front of others, or an outlet I was confident with, I just stopped. I just felt I was wasting my time and constantly disappointing myself by not getting out there. Also, I still wasn't making music of my own, I was just singing other peoples stuff. I had no direction. It's been maybe 4 years since I stopped, my singing ability has vastly reduced and as a result what little confidence I did have has gone with it - I can't even practice at home now for fear of what the neighbors will think. :( This is why I want to find a musical theatre group (I've looked all over my area and contacted a bunch of people but to no avail), I think that would give me the outlet I need to sing with purpose. I've looked to join a band in the past, and very recently a friend tried very hard to get me to join his, but I let the opportunity pass me by, I have no confidence. I'd love to be in a band, but I can't even bring myself to audition; I even feel embarrassed over my song choices let alone my ability. As for guitar, someone once told me that to learn by playing other peoples songs is wrong, that if I do that I will never be a good musician. I found that really demotivating, I do still practice by playing others' songs (how else am I going to learn chords/finger patterns etc?) but that comment is ever present in the back of my mind. I've only ever been able to sing and play simultaneously a little bit and that was a long time ago, perhaps I will spend some time today working on that. Even so, I still worry I'm just wasting my time. My confidence affects my ability to practice guitar too - I have an electric guitar and only recently acquired an amp for it, I've plugged it in only maybe twice? I know people can hear me play when I'm plugged in and once that happens my hands get sweaty and I shake, and then I can't practice at all. How am I ever supposed to play in front of others if I can't even get to know how my amp works :s I should just buy some headphones for it, but then I'm not sure I can justify the purchase when I'm so unsure about the point in practicing in the first instance. I think too much. As far as contributing goes, I don't even know where to start, with all of the above I've never even written a song of my own. I write a lot of poems, but I'm not sure how or if I should attempt to make them into songs. I'm 27 already and I'm practically just starting out, I know music demands a big time commitment, and with so much else I want to achieve I guess I just worry about if it's really worth it. It seems such a shame to not become musically proficient, but at the same time I know it's not where I want a career, I know I want to work in animal welfare/wildlife conservation (Yes, I know I have an art degree which has a nothing to do with that, it's a long story and yet another guilt causing thing *sigh*). I don't know where music actually fits into my future. I guess I would love to be in a band or in theatre, but I don't think I'd want a career of those things, I'm not sure I could handle the pressure, and the idea of fame doesn't appeal to me. Can I achieve my animal dreams and do something musically alongside it? I'd like that, but I'm not sure I'll ever get there. In typing this at first I had an image of just me and my guitar on a stage performing my own songs, and that is SOO not what I want, I've never wanted that. When I imagine myself on stage in a band, playing heavy music with a bunch of mates, that thought makes me feel happy, excited even. That's what I'd love, that's what I've always wanted, a bunch of us writing music together, but I think I forgot that more recently, I'd written it off as something that was never going to happen and eventually I just forgot to even try. Sorry for the rant, I'm just frustrated, this has been a good way for me to evaluate the situation though. As I said in my above comment to Cam though, I do really think I need to tackle my predisposition to seek perfection, that may help with the other stuff. Thank you sincerely though, you clearly put a lot of time into your response and I did find it very helpful. This reminded me of what I actually want, it's hard to believe I'd forgotten!

I've given this a lot of thought to try and avoid just my initial response of 'I don't really know', but even after thinking on it, I still don't really know. I'd like to think I'd feel more fulfilled, less guilty and even maybe perhaps feel some pride in myself, but then it's likley I'd probably just feel that my contributions weren't good enough, since that's a train of thought/thinking pattern that seems common to me. I think I should probably work on the pressure I'm putting on myself as a perfectionist more than anything else. Thanks for the questions Cam, really forced me to consider myself a bit more :)

Hey, posting this here as I had no idea which section it would fit, feel free to relocate it if that works better. Sorry if this has already been asked. I'm just wondering if there is a simple way to print out my own journal? I have a close friend in prison who would very much like to read my journal, they have no internet access so we communicate via letters and telephone calls plus visits. Is the only way for me to print it to copy and paste each individual post into a document, or is there an easier way? Thanks. Bugg.

Day 48 Got up this morning and meditated, wrote in my gratitude journal and had a healthy breakfast. I knew I needed to do a workout, I picked core since I haven't done that in ages. I put on my workout gear and decided that since the weather was so nice (and because I'm trying to shed some pounds) that I'd go for a jog instead. I headed out to the park and quickly found that my capacity for cardio has decreased significantly, not only that but my knee problems kicked off pretty quickly too. This makes me really sad, I love jogging and I hate to think my knee issues are going to prevent me from regaining my progress. I ended up spending a fair amount of time walking through the park, but on the plus side I was able to do some bird watching which made me insanely happy. I think I really need to find some bird conservation related volunteering. I'm listening to music and realising I've been spending so much time on podcasts I haven't really listened to music in quite a while, which is damn bizarre. I've spent some more time thinking about hobbies and interests, and guitar and singing. I find myself considering guitar and singing, a lot, as they're both things I really enjoy to do, but both things I spend barely any time on these days because it just seems so pointless. (I know something that makes me happy shouldn't be pointless, but then that same point can be applied to games too so I think that argument is mute.) A big part of me feels guilt over enjoying the music of other musicians whilst not having the drive, confidence or ability to contribute to the field myself. Another part of me experiences sadness when listening to a moving piece of music, sadness over not being able to produce something myself. My happiest memories are at music festivals with my mum. I know nearly everyone enjoys music in some way, but I think I enjoy it more than anything else I can think of, I'm not sure if everyone feels that way? This is all stuff I've escaped to games from over and over again. Common thoughts in my mind, menial to most, but for some reason they are such a big deal to me. I have to either accept what is or make a change, but I seem capable of neither. It's weird that I don't feel this way about other arts; I love to watch performance and dance, and view art, and whilst I do want to join a drama group and I do make art on occasion (I have a Fine Art degree, lol), I don't feel the same guilt in not giving my all to these hobbies. The biggest sources of guilt in my life stem from three places; not contributing to the world in a positive way (ie; wanting to work in animal welfare or wildlife conservation), not making the best choices for my health, and not being able to contribute musically. The first two make sense, I understand why I feel that shame and I'm working hard to combat those, but the third, the music, I don't know why I feel this way. I'm thoroughly perplexed. @Cam Adair, perhaps with your love for DJ'ing you might have an insight here? I'm spending a lot of time thinking about this stuff because I want this constant sense of discontent to go away. This relentless uneasiness is what makes me seek to escape, and I feel that if I can just deal with this, then I will finally be content. I'm not searching for everlasting happiness, I know that doesn't exist. But to just be content, that sure would be nice.

@Natelovesboardgames Thanks, yeah you’re right, hopefully getting thru this will make me even stronger in the long run. I’m busy reading the discworld books at the moment, there’s a bunch of self improvement reads on my list but I have a limited time to borrow these books off a friend before I move away so sticking to Pratchett for now. I used to volunteer and I loved it, and I found it really helped with these sorts of circular thoughts, but my current work rota makes it impossible for me to volunteer, probably a contributing factor to my current state of mind, I’d look for a new job to combat that issue, but I’m moving away in 3 months anyway and I already have a plan (and backups) to enable me to make the most of being able to volunteer again once I’ve moved. I hate waiting though. I’d move sooner but that isn’t an option either :( @BigOlBearticYeah, when I was in therapy last year we spoke a lot about my guilt over playing games and he considered it progress when I was able to game and enjoy it without feeling guilty.. of course that didn’t last.. how could it when I was so literally wasting my life away. I really need to be a bit easier on myself too, I guess it’s just hard. Thank you for the kind words.

@Arch I didn’t actually realise you’d posted when I wrote my prev post, so don’t take it as a reply. I’ve actually given the same advice of the neural pathways to others frequently, it’s something i try to be really conscious of, although sometimes those thoughts are just there demanding to be heard :/ But thank you for the wise words and the friendly reminder none the less :)

So this is a bit dark, but thoughts wander, and I wanted to share in case anyone else has felt the same and can relate. I want to start with a disclaimer that in talking about the following I am not suggesting I am going to do anything awful. It's hard enough to think this way and not talk about it, and so I’d like to find a space to discuss this without worrying anyone. So please, don’t worry, but please do feel free to share thoughts. So, like many of us, I used to game to escape bad feelings. It became a really effective strategy to stop myself doing other destructive shit. Without gaming some of those bad habits are returning and that is in turn making me feel super crappy. In the past when I was really down and, for lack of a better description, just plain old didn’t want to be alive any longer, I would tell myself; wasting my life away playing games isn’t a waste if it keeps me alive. I know, that’s not a great place to be but I was there for a long time. I thought I was over all of that but recently I’ve been feeling pretty low and that thought comes back. Not necessarily that games would be keeping me alive, since I’ve grown too much as a person since those dark days to allow myself to entertain those awful notions for long, but I do find myself thinking about happiness, and wondering what the point of being here is if I can’t be happy, and if gaming makes me happy then does it make everything that tiny bit more worthwhile? That’s rhetorical, I know the answer. Gaming won’t make my life worthwhile, but it makes it bareable. I’m searching soo hard for worthwhile uses for my time to make life more bareable, but then when it comes down to it my motivation just falls away, leaving me feeling empty. A failure.

@BigOlBeartic That monkey theorem sounds really interesting (even though I have zero knowledge of coding, haha, and a terrible maths ability.. ). In the UK we have Gumtree, I think it’s similar to craigslist, also the facebook marketplace. To be honest the thought/worry of counterfeit money never even crossed my mind, I sell a fair bit online and haven’t had an issue yet. I either do collection with cash in hand for large items, or I sell online using eBay and get the buyer to pay me via PayPal and then I post the item. I used to sell more than I do these days though, I generally can’t be arsed with the faf unless it’s really worth my while. I traded my PS4 into a store in our town centre, they pay more in store credit thought hence the decision to buy an iPad, it all worked out well in the end. I still haven’t made a decision to part ways with my 3ds though :s I can relate to the drawing thing, I also used to love it whereas now it’s just another thing to do.. I’m getting that way with guitar a little too, I do still enjoy playing but then there’s an ever present sense of it all just being a waste of time, and I still struggle to motivate myself to practice most days, which just makes me feel guilty. In fact, I feel that way about most of my hobbies, I pick things that I think will benefit me in some way (eg Guitar and German for brain development/easing the paranoia of one day developing Alzheimer’s/trying to be a more interesting and well rounded individual) but then I think of how I’ll never use music in a career, probably never need to speak German to anyone, won’t use drawing as a source of income etc. I find it hard to do things that aren’t moving me towards my goals, I guess maybe my hobbies don’t align with my values which leads to discontent? Now I’m figuring out my own shit in your thread, lol, sorry. But yeah, I can sorta relate anyways, perhaps for different reasons.

Day 47? Was at work, weather was lush so decided to walk part way home to make the most of it, ‘twas nice, came home and cooked/did chores. Spent some time online and on Netflix. I feel guilt for not being more productive, but I just really don’t feel like guitar or German or anything right now. I just had a little skip in the garden and an really short impromptu jog up the street and back. I’m really out of shape. My workout habits have slipped, I’m trying to get back on track. There’s just so much in my head atm it’s kinda immobilising, I want to escape to games but I know that will only make me feel worse in the long run. Generally, feeling crappy, about myself, about life. *sigh* edit: I meditated and did gratitude this morning. Just about the only goals I meet with any level of consistency.

Nearly finished Mort by Terry Pratchett and moving onto the next one; Sourcery, soon. I want to read some books on my personal development reading list but I'm loaning the discworld books from a friend and have a limited time to read them before I move away :)

Day 46? Finally home after the travels, had a good sleep and rehydrated. I’m working later today but for now I’ve spent the day catching up on chores and sitting in the garden in the sun reading a book. Still making an effort to stay positive, still making an effort to improve my diet. Was craving games all week while away, since returning home that has not improved, still not giving in.

I haven’t been getting the blood work done but I do supplement and I eat loads of nutritional yeast too, and I try and get as much sun as I can. But yeah I think I probably should get some bloods taken just to check, thanks for the advice :) I know my iron levels are really good as they test those whenever I donate blood.. saying that it’s a while since I’ve been :s

I think I struggle to find a balance between privacy and authenticity, partly because I feel that if I dwell for too long in the dark places of my mind I create bad habits for myself. To elaborate; if I’m writing in detail about some of the harder stuff to deal with, in writing I’m thinking of it more often. Whilst this is less of a privacy issue (I’m generally a pretty open person unless something may impact my safety/security etc) it is certainly an issue of authenticity. I frequently find myself lost in thoughts that I find difficult, and on the one hand I want to write about these to help others, but at the same time I don’t want to spend extra time dwelling on them myself, if that makes sense. It’s true that we shouldn’t avoid our problems, we certainly shouldn’t just ignore them, but I think at a certain point the reflection can become a counterintuitive indulgence. Circular thoughts that get caught in a pattern of repitition. In the end I’m starting to keep more things private because I just prefer to think about the specifics a little less, I’m worried that the more time I spend thinking about that stuff, the more I will tend to think about it when I don’t particularly want or need to. When there is negativity in my mind, I don’t want to risk making a habit out of it. I feel like I just said the same thing in multiple different ways, and even then I’m not sure if it really made much sense, haha. But thats my thoughts on it anyway. To touch on what Reno F said about sharing his journal on Facebook, just the thought of doing that with my own makes me feel a bit anxious. I know my journal is public and that anyone who wants to read it can, and I’m totally fine with that, but in putting it on Facebook I’d just feel too judged by people who weren’t looking for it in the first place, if that makes sense. I shouldn’t care what others think of me, and I try hard to worry less, but I think I would really struggle with that.

Ahh I love your photography! It sounds like your detox is going well too, I really need to start reading some of the self help books on my own reading list! Keep it up :)

Welcome Natasha, I can relate to so much of what you have said, especially having been in a relationship where we both had the same video game addiction issues. My partner has had to go away for a while and so our relatoinship has taken a sort of hiatus, but I know I am going to have to address those issues if and when we reunite. By then I will have hopefully overcome my problems once and for all, but if he still games, I don’t know what that will mean for our future. I also started gaming when I was young, about 6 years old for me, and I’ve only started to recognise the problem now that I am 27. My gaming problems became at their worst when I was around 19 years old and I got into a pretty difficult relatoinship - thankfully I have moved on from that time in my life, but games have remained a crutch during the tough times. I’m also vegan and I’ve been gradually living a more minimalist life. I think being able to finally sell my PS4, games, my Tv and my dvd’s has helped me a lot on that journey. Good luck on your own journey, I know you will find plenty of support and encouragement from the awesome group of people on this forum :)

Welcome and I wish you the best of luck! I admire your courage to share your story and in taking the first steps towards giving up games and living a more fulfilled life!

I can’t really think of much advice to add given that what has already been written is so good, but I do sincerely hope you manage to find a way to some happiness, however small. It sounds like you certainly have had to cope with a lot over the years and I would agree with your therapist - perhaps you need to invest some time in learning how to shoulder less of the burden of others’ actions. I recognise that is easier said than done however. I know you said self help books won’t help, but have you given them a go? You never know, there may be one or two out there that could be of benefit, and if not that’s totally fine too. Like you said, you can journal here, and you’ll have the support of this community too. I know what you mean about just feeling like you are a sad person, I used to feel the same, but the thing about emotions, they’re often tied to thoughts and certain neural pathways in the brain. The more we use those pathways, those connections, the stronger they become, and the more easily they are to use in the future. In other words, the more frequently we ‘indulge’ in sadness, the more normal and the easier sadness will come. But, the good news is the less we use them the weaker they become. If we can find ways to distract from the negative thoughts and feelings so that we can feel more positively, then eventually we will become better at that, and we can feel happiness that little bit more often. Distraction is not the same as escape though, which is why gaming and the habitual consumption of other media doesn’t improve the situation. I hope that helps in some way. You deserve to be happy. We all do. Best of luck though! We’re here for you.

I’m having very similar problems with my own detox, but ultimately it’s a journey, I think the most important thing is that we are moving in the right direction. I am confident that with the support of this community we can all continue to move forwards :) Good luck! :)

Thank you for sharing your story, I think you’re strong for having dealt with so much and yet are still able to recognise your own weaknesses and having the willpower to address them. I wish you the best of luck!!

Welcome back! Good luck on your journey and, as Cam said, we’re all here for you if you need us :)

Welcome and good luck on your journey! :)

Day 44? Still making the most of mums WiFi while away from home, still feeling a bit crappy. This morning I’ve made a commitment to myself not to entertain my negative thoughts any longer. They come, they will go, from today I’m renewing my efforts to stop dwelling. Positivity ftw. As far as cravings go, I’ve definitely felt the sting of not having my DS with me on my travels. Netflix and YouTube are still a bit of an issue for me, but the stuff I’m watching is at least inspiring/educational/motivational for the most part. I’m not far off having watched the stuff on my Netflix account that I wanna see, following that I still plan to cold turkey it for a while, and then possibly reintroduce some sort of ‘An hour on the weekends’ sort of rule. I’m implementing a zero screen time after 8.30pm policy, to reduce the effects of blue light, and once I return home from my travels I plan to do an 8 week sugar detox, to help get my insulin and dopamine responses back to a more normal state, and to stop myself going to sugar as an immediate pacifier. As for productivity, google calendar and digital resources are proving to be causing more stress than I anticipated. Over the years I’ve managed my adhd and general disorganisation with paper methods and since abandoning these I’ve definitely become less organised, I don’t think I’m well suited to the electronic calendars/planners etc, I find they make it harder for me to visualise what I need to do. As much as I want to reduce my paper use, I also want to be the best version of myself that I can be, and so I’m going to go back to a paper planner and see how it goes. (I’ll be sure to look for FSC paper.) For now I’m going to use an old notebook to make a planner, and then as the new year rolls in I may invest in a custom one, if I can find what I’m looking for. I’ve spent my morning planning out what I am am going to include in my new planner, and I have come up with the following; Day by day, probably a double spread, each day needs space for; The days events, planner style, written in pencil! The days todo inc; meditation; exercise; guitar; German. A spot for planned breakfast, lunch and dinner. (Possibly a spot for gratitude in the future, but right now I have a separate notebook I enjoy using for this). A spot for accomplishments. (Finished todo’s can be added to this little area too) A spot for a few thoughts. A weekly review; what have I achieved, what are my goals moving forwards. A monthly review; same as weekly. Making my own planner for now will allow me to assess what sections work well and what I need to change. I think this will work well with my no screen time after 8.30 pm rule, as I can then spend some of that time looking over my planner. With less reliance on digital media I hope to further reduce my screen time and distractability.

Day 43 (I think) Still away on holiday but got access to WiFi atm so just a quick update. Still no games, physically I’m still feeling a bit rough and now I have an eye infection - tho the eye does seem to be improving. Mentally I’m in a pretty bad way but I’m just plodding on. Don’t really want to go to therapy again so I just gotta keep going I suppose. One thing is for sure - I won’t be using games as an escape any more.

Day 38 Was at work, came home, packed for holidays, did a lot of thinking, been watching a few things, haven't been tremendously productive, met some of my goals but not all. This may well be my last post for a week depending on internet access while I'm away, and even then I'd rather spend the time with my family than online so I'll probably just update once I'm home. First trip away that hasn't seen my DS get packed... feels weird. General mood today has been pretty neutral, physically a bit ill, I hope I feel a bit better soon. So I guess it's ttfn, I hope everyone has a good week and I'll be back soon.

Most people do tend to stop watching gaming vids/streams when they quit games. Thing to ask yourself is why did you want to stop gaming in the first place, was it just so you could spend that time watching others do it? Or was it so that could could make better use of your time? Congrats on not giving into those cravings though! :)