[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 92,

No post today, need to sleep early. Have work tomorrow :D

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 91, 

I think one of these days I will do a video about the things I learnt in being effective for quitting gaming. 

I ran in the rain this morning, at first hesitating to go out avoiding the discomfort but reminded myself that I've been here before and mindlessly put on my running shirt.

I cleaned more of my room, 80% done but got distracted alot by Instagram posts. I washed more of my clothes and went out to print another chapter's workbook pages.

I watched The Avengers and boy was that overhyped. I'm quite biased because I have an acquired taste for more meaningful films that move us emotionally or have stories with solid character development. Avengers had great CG but I'm beyond the point where that is enough for a satisfying movie. It seemed like they were just setting up the trilogy to milk the movies... Marvel have done character development well in other movies like Deadpool but Avengers was quite shallow by comparison. It also maybe the shift zive taken as a person that has affected my experience, whereby I'm after more real things in life, than mere titillation of the senses that CG movies offer. I had some Hazelnut gelato which was very nice :)

I went to a gathering of trampers where a guy was giving a presentation of going around Mt Everest in Nepal. I took some notes and wanted to keep this information in my vault for later use. 

 

I went out to Mundo Lingo and it had fun there. I met a guy I had previously met at last week's Mundo Lingo. We seem to be building a friendship, he's pretty positive and goes out regularly. By the end of the night he confessed he was gay of which I had a sense of feeling. Gay guys are fun to chill with, they aren't out to game girls and stuff which took alot of pressure out of me. Even though I don't intentionally want to have a sexual relationship, I do have the desire at the back of my head quietly. I did meet a lovely girl from Japan learning English and we exchanged Facebook requests. Hoping to maybe see more of her :)

Español del día: 

Quiero a hacer amigos

I want to make friends

Grateful for: light hearted conversations, rain, gloves, friends and food.

[Bugg's Journal]

Glad you're still here Bugg :) I still believe in you. You've shown more persistence and courage than most people. Have confidence in that.

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 90,

So today I reverted back to banana then run and low and behold I had a better day. I'm aiming to run a little more everyday and eventually be able to run around most of the bay and back. It's a real beautiful run, running next to the gentle yet fierce ocean setting the tone of the world with its motion.

Most of today, I mainly spent tidying up my room and tried to adhere as closely as I could to my positive habits. It's weird, I used to think this depression thing I had was who I was but now I can actually see myself building and taking action to forge my own path - it's very empowering and I have more glimmers of benevolence for life than I ever have. Even a small joke that I remember and laugh about is powerful in it's small way to build my momentum of positivity towards life.

I managed to practice a decent amount of Spanish which was brought about by going to the local net cafe and printing out a workbook related to testing the lessons teachings. It was quite creepy actually going back to this environment, I would hear this robotic-like chatter - "we burnt all our mana on him", "our composition just didn't make sense", I mean these sentences just sounded familiar but bizarre. I could feel the hopelessness in the air, where the same people I had met were still there going through the motions - smoking weed, buyimg energy drinks and takeaway foods to sit down for the next few hours and dupe themselves into a false sense of accomplishment.

It was just sad really, I was crying for them. They are enjoying it but not really, no one chooses to be addicted my oldest brother said the other day. I paused when I heard him say this and almost tried to convince myself that it is a choice, but he is right. Thing is we need to go through hardships to contrast life so that we can appreciate the good.

I made a Soup with lentils, celery, carrots and butternut squash. It was very easy to make and cheap as well as being filling and tasty. 

I offered a bowl full to one of my housemates and he gladly accepted and enjoyed it :D He just came back from work and already he had some delicious food waiting for him, I thought of how he I would feel if I was him and made sure he was welcomed.

I went to Kizomba and one of the girls reminded me to focus on the best instead of doing steps so I will take this to heart moving on. I appreciate people's feedback as it is honest and I would like to give others the best possible dancing experience haha.

Since this is my 90th day, my oldest brother asked me what I'm going to do to celebrate. I mentioned that I would like to go see The Avengers and maybe eat some gelato to celebrate. I love ice cream but avoid it at all costs because I'm an addictive person and will end up eating the whole container quickly. For tomorrow however, I will excuse myself as it's important to celebrate our successes as a reference point for the reward of my commitment to this journey.

I won't stop posting now that I've reached day 90. This accountability process is actually too valuable to not do. There's got to be a healthy amount of pressure if I am to put more effort than just base survival, our bodies are designed like that and the primal instinct to reserve energy doesn't aide in achieving the big goals we want.

After dancing for a little over an hour, I saw that it was 9:45 and that my bedtime was fast approaching. On my way out I met a guy and played pool with him, he said he had a degree in dentistry and was now finishing his medical degree. He asked me if I had a girlfriend as I he had previously talked about his new girlfriend. I responded by saying no, I'm working on myself before I want to go into a relationship. He agreed with this and we continued to talk about self help books. I'm glad I stopped by instead of being tunnel vision minded and focused on going back home. I would've missed this opportunity to get to know about this hard working guy. He gave me his Facebook and I'm happy to make a new friend :)

Spanish WotD: idioma - Language

Quiero aprender el idioma Español

I want to learn the Spanish language.

Grateful for: vegetable soups, other language learners, dancing with gorgeous people, my smartphone which has aided me greatly with my goals and breathing.

A beautiful song that popped into my head today that has enraptured the feeling of my journey:

 

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 89,

I meditated and ran. I've been having trouble getting momentum in my day and I have picked out why it is. I started eating breakfast before going for a run and would need to wait like 45 minutes digesting before going for my run and this would muddy my focus and momentum in taking action. So tommorow, I'll go back to eating a banana and going for a run afterwards.

I vacuumed the hallway and tried my hand at controlling the ant encroachment happening quitely under our cupboards. I'm trying to keep the kitchen in a nice condition as it is where the food we eat is kept and cooked, respect is deserved.

As I began walking out of my house there was a guy looking through a big dump  container where it looked like someone was moving out and had thrown everything they didn't want out. That guy was treasure hunting and I was curious as to what goods he may be finding. A leather suitcase caught my eye, as well as a beside table so I took them to be put to use in my room. It's actually obsurd how much we waste yet seek to buy new things when perfectly usable items are available to us. The marketing imagery has us so brainwashed honestly...

I walked back to my old place to get some remaining food bits that I had forgotten. I also went to a entheogen Meetup group and met some lovely people and had some enlightening conversations there. I offered to help look for potential future hosting venues for the group. 

I went to my Kizomba class and am still enjoying it, the people are friendly and helpful in guiding me in dancing better. I see that I need to practice the dancing more though as I'm quite rusty. All in due time, for now maintaining my current habits proove difficult enough.

I called my oldest brother again and had another accountability call. We both shared our forward moving efforts in our goals and we both seem to be growing and taking action. It's quite surreal to proove to your family that you are actually capable and that they are witnessing as you are them, each other's seeds of growth. We're like in this together and it feels good reporting in and keeping each other accountable to higher standards than baseline living.

I heard back from my boss and he said that Thursday and Friday are the best days for work this week. I'm excited for this and greatly pleased to hear this :D

Spanish WotD: agradecida - grateful

Estoy agradecida por mi vida y mis amigos.

I am grateful for my life and my friends.

 

[Growing the f*** up]

Your story is what most of us need to wake up unfortunately. Welcome to Game Quitters!

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 88,

I've moved in to my new place now and surrounded by a pile of clothes and personal belongings. My step dad helped me move my things in one load which was good, I thought we would need two trips. I didn't meditate or run today.

I spent an hour sorting through some recent photos I took and developed them and posted them on Flickr.

I made Eggplant Caponata tonight, the local supermarket is a 5 minute walk which is excellent. There is also a Sunday market that occurs every weekend in the wharf which I'm excited about too. 

The room I'm in has a big double bed that im going to see if I can exchange for a single bed to make more room for perhaps a desk or one of those standup plastic clothes wardrobes. All in all I like it better than my last place, it's warmer and a better kitchen to practice my cooking as well as being 5 minutes to town.

I watched some more Spanish but the pace of the videos has become faster. I haven't been doing the workbook exercises so that is my fault. I will the rewatch the video and do the exercises tommorow.

Spanish WotD: abrir - open

Voy a abrir la puerta

I will open the door.

Grateful for: My step-dad, having options, friendly conversations, GaryV and the supermarket.

I don't think my journal would be complete if I didn't include this song. 

 

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 87,

I am in a bit of a small slump but know things will get better. I'm just having lazy days really and nervousness about work. Not doing the work itself but the 'waiting to hear back' because on one hand I don't wanna be using time to look for more jobs if my boss has agreed to give me work. I will send him a text tomorrow seeing whats up :/

I'll be moving out of my current place and into a place closer to town tomorrow. I decided to go to my mum's place to stay the night there to work on some photography development but also because I asked my folks to help me move with the aide of their car. I turned on twitch tonight for a little bit of curiosity and got bored of it very soon like 5 minutes. It's amazing what shifts in perspective does to experience of life.

I downloaded some psychedelic radio app to maybe listen to trippy music, I'm into that hippity bibbity bop :) And one day want to make some bloop bloop bloop music ;D 

I need to figure out a recipe to cook this week, I've changed my smaller goal to just one recipe a week as it's more realistic and I need to save money. I imagine what the world would be like if we grew up in a forest environment instead of the clinical separation of city life. I've been doing some affirmations in the morning and they seem to help.

I'm concerned what field I should work in. At the film for change interview last night, the interviewer mentioned that I could learn under other people in areas I'm weak in like Finance or Communications and I think I may do just that. Just today one of the self-development knowledge I came across listening to GaryV was to seek a mentor and commit to learn IIRC so I'll venture that path and see where it takes me. I think the idea I have in my head imagining my dream job needs to be relinquished for the time being to grow rapidly in favor of versatility and flexibility.

I don't know what I'm talking about xD I feel more capable of tackling my challenges though than I have ever been and this is less a matter of technical skill than it is a change in men the level of determination and cultivating a perspective of the bigger picture as well as a good dose of compassion to others and myself.

Spanish WotD: estancia

Gracias por la estancia

Thanks you for the stay

Grateful for: soup, weightless workouts, sunshine, phonecalls and Alan Watts.

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 86,

I meditated but didn't run today. I didn't have an more gym shorts to run in, I need to do washing (not preparing) I don't wanna spend $8 to wash and dry 4 days worth of clothes and will just clean em at my new place on Saturday. Yes, I'm being a cheap ass but I need to save. I did do some core workouts instead tho?

I listened to SA course and listened to a podcast about how to not being distracted by Jordan Harbinger, another really good cast: https://pca.st/H3su

I talked more to Alexys, more silly fun shit shooting with him. I watched half of Spanish course or er and ir verbs. I didn't manage to watch it all as I had a meeting to be at for Film for change, an organization that produces videos for charities and non profit groups.

I went to Mundo Lingo and it was great fun, I'm looking forward to going again. It's basically where language learner's all come to chill and talk with each other. I practiced being a bit loose and social and had fun :D I added a guy called Thomas and might go out with him this weekend.

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 85,

Meditated and ran. Listened to SA course but lay in bed and dozed off a little so wasn't too effective. I need to sit on my chair facing desk to assume the appropriate focused posture.

I went to the interview to get work in painting and it seemed to go well. He asked if I could start next week and I said yes... The vibe seemed positive so I hope I'm going to get work. He was a very kind person but on to it as well I could sense that off him. Straight eye contact but giving pause and listening carefully. 

I came back home and talked to Alexys and a bit of Spanish on HelloTalk. I went out to an open mic night tonight and just to expose myself and take more action. Pleased to went walking to the city and back as I had a big lunch and an equally sizeable dinner to burn off. I bought some dark chocolate too, to warm me up. I'm looking forward to exercise tommorow :D.

Grateful for: cold to remind us of the pleasure of warmth, Arabic food that fostered my love of food cuisines, photography to share stories with emotions, Rooibos tea and the advent of the smartphone.

It's interesting looking at people you grew up with in highschool and seeing where they are now.

Here's an important video you might want to consider showing a teenager you know in highschool who are coming into this ever-changing working landscape:

 

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 84,

Meditated and ran.

I was looking forward to the interview for painting but he couldn't make it so we delayed the meeting to tomorrow. 

I went opshopping for kitchen things to aide me in cooking and eating better. I spent $20 and got several useful pieces for the kitchen.

 

I highly recommend anyone to go to your local thrift / op shops before you go out spending on new things. It helps the environment because you're not bringing new material and eventually waste into the world, it's cheaper and there are actually some decent quality stuff in there if you keep your eyes peeled. It's amazing how we horse to buy new shit when there's so much available to be reused... 

i spoke to my Mexican language exchange friend for an hour and he told me that the food style changes whichever state of Mexico you are in. I did a fun exercise with him to point at things in your vicinity and name it quickly in English. He's going to try the same with me tomorrow but in Spanish and see if I can understand. I learnt how to count to a 1000 in Spanish after watching the Spanish course.

I went to a Spanish film night meetup near the city. I talked to a Peruvian lady briefly and also another guy who had been learning for 3 years and had previously travelled South America. He told me there is a Meetup to practice language exchange and so I added it to my calendar. The movie was quite bad actually lol but either way I got out and exposed myself a little. Film name '10,000' km even the good cinematography couldn't save the lacking story luckily the actors were good and had decent chemistry.

I heard this ol' classic and was hoping to it in the op shop. Gem.

 

 

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 83,

I went running in light rain this morning. I didn't care it was easier to go running than to face the defeat of guilt. I am almost building an intrinsic good feeling inside me now that overrides the laziness to not do so. I am reaching the 90 day mark and every day is getting better and better.

I spent most of today at my mum's since it was a New Zealand public holiday. I downloaded RSD Maxs' fearless onto my phone and am going to follow his guide in facing my fears and keep going through. It's funny now, all my life I have thought I had social anxiety and I may do but the recent action I have taken spells out that I was just afraid to face the world and am pondering whether I just attached my identity to this notion of a helpless person. I will still so my social anxiety course as it is helping but it goes to show how much shit we make up in our imaginations.

Spanish WotD: Majo - nice

Tuve un majo baile está noche

I had a nice dance tonight.

Grateful for: my persistence to push even whilst feeling fear, committing this long to this GQ journal, my family, cold showers and RSD.

 

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 82,

I remembered that the miracle morning said to take a day off maybe in the weekend so I tried to convince myself not to run and do all my morning routines.

I wanted to check up on my family so I called my dad and had a nice 45 minute long conversation with him. Again we had this moment where after saying goodbye we didn't want to hang up the phone because we enjoyed each other's company so much. Me and my father probably didn't have a real emotional relationship where we could talk to each other as equals for probably like 10 years of distance in my teens. So it is a very long yearning fulfillment that occurs when we laugh together and so I am very grateful for this.

Next, I talked to my oldest brother who I have set up an accountability partner with. He wasnt able to fulfill his commitments but I exempted him from them because he had the flu all week. He still managed to go to the gym whilst under the illness and said "I can't believe I was able to go to the gym with my energy levels" he continued to say "I did it because I didn't want to pay the $50" lol :D. I had the same thoughts too throughout the week in that I didn't want to lose money so I just focused on doing my tasks instead.

I did end up going for a run, I just can't see my days not having exercise in it anymore :) it's so intrinsic to releasing stress, feeling the flow and being productive.

I went out and attended a free improv class tonight and later my Kizomba dance class. 

We performed several exercises to release our spontaneity, pressure our cognition system and stretch our imaginations in a supportive and positive environment. I had a lot of fun doing this as most of us did and will look more into this if I can fit it in my budget and schedule. I think creativity of the new is essential to life to experience and be fun in whichever realm we may be in. I'm more of a stiff guy so I think this could REALLY help me.

Spanish WotD: Dispuesto - willing

Me familia es siempre dispuesto a ayudar me.

My family is always willing to help me

Grateful for: My family, Kizomba, thermal shirts to keep me warm, people's smiles and the progress I've made so far.

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 81,

Today, I agreed to take up the new flat next Saturday and gave me leaving notice. I feel like I've grown more in these 3 months more than I ever have... In my whole life. I meditated and ran today. I'm gaining so much momentum I feel.

I went shopping at the local veggie market and got corriander, a ? and a capsicum along with tofu. The dish I made tonight was tofu stirfry, Soo delicious ;) this completed my last goal for the week - cook two cheap meals and learn how to make them

I think this can be eaten without bread honestly but you'd need to make more https://craftlog.com/us/cooking/ext-easy-tofu-stir-fry-xct3

I went out to town and shot more photos to meet my photography goals of shooting at least twice, maximum 4 times. Nearly all of them are on my m4/3 camera and will need to be processed. For now I have this to share 

I absolutely love the colours that come out of this Lil phone camera and it even looks like it has more dynamic range than my bigger camera. I remember when we had this hip cutting edge course we did at Uni where we were given iPod touch a, iPhone 3Gs and the very first iPad and were told to use these future devices to find new ways to make stories. I always kinda was skeptical but when I see these images put out by phone it puts my M4/3 to utter shame. Bear in mind my camera is from 2010 and my phone is from 2015 so there have been generational improvements on processing and colour reproduction.

Grateful for: small technologies, recipes online, local food markets, my legs to get me places and my brain to learn new things.

 

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 80,

I woke up and went downstairs to eat my breakfast wholegrain oatmeal. I forgot that I didn't have any left and went upstairs and went to sleep. All because I hadn't prepared me breakfast. I woke up an hour and a bit later and walk to the supermarket and bought my breakfast ingredients. This is a reminder that the success in life is determined greatly by the preparation one does before the actual event.

I ran afterwards and felt a little guilty of waking up late so I combined my runs, one short with my normal long one. I did some fabulous core exercises as well. I went to town and viewed a flat, I have decided to move into this flat two weeks from now, so on the 15th of June. It's closer to town, laundry and washing don't charge and there is dedicated fridge space for tenants, two showers - one for each floor and is a non-party quiet type of people. I'm moving closer to town so that I can possibly walk to potential work but also be close to social events which usually happen near the city. Also I want to cook and the lack of fridge space in my current place bothers me in my goal of learning to cook. Most people like I am right now complain about a certain situation and do nothing about it but I want to be a person who looks for solutions instead of being addicted to complaining. 

It's getting a little more obvious now when I hear people complaining especially myself. The first person I said hi to in the morning was sitting in her shop and the first thing she said after I said "How are you?" was "cold, I forgot my socks". I asked "why don't you go get your socks then?" My goal was to push myself and try to talk to someone even if I didn't want to - a positively energized mission yet her complaining seemed so distasteful to my state as I was trying to bring some warmth to her morning. To repeat, most people would rather complain than do something about it. Most importantly the question to ask is "where am I doing that?"

Anyways... I want to have a great growth period and a nice homebase from which that is to spurt from in my new place. My goal is to practice socializing with this new homebase and also cook more.

I cooked Carrot and Ginger soup tonight as part of my accountability goal, I need to cook one more recipe by Sunday. 

I practiced appreciating people's efforts today when I could and I found it does have a noticeable impact on building a positive energy. I thanked the supermarket clerk for resupplying the Oats as it had run out. My morning breakfast is very important to me and he looked somewhat busy but out of his vitality he was able to promptly check the stocks and attend to my request. Now I am curious as to how to figure out if a person is genuinely receiving appreciation or recieving light flattery. I myself have problems recieving compliments so find it difficult in seeing others recieve it to. Maybe I should start with myself :)

Grateful for: warm soups, helpful people, smartphones that allow everybody to have the power of a king mere decades ago. Umbrellas to enjoy my walks in the rain and Game Quitters forum system that remembers what I wrote in my journal even after I accidentally exit out of it ;)

 

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 79, 

Had good sleep today in preparation of giving my best self for volunteering. I meditated for 5 mins and ran.

We planted Some plants near the Kaiwharawhara stream on the other side of the city and planted some Pareceta in another location to protect the soil from getting waterlogged and allowing for new layers of growth to occur or maybe they were just for looks lol. 

After that we all worked on clearing a side of a little sloped hill of Tradescantia a.k.a as the Wandering Willie which prevents growth underneath by blanketing whole forest floors from sunlight. It's very hard to get rid of and basically grows back in a month or 2 and needs redoing. This conservation work was good, kept me warm doing something helpful for the environment that gives us all we have ever gotten and I met some new people and socialized a bit.

Later as a reward we went and saw some eels sheltering in a stream passing Owhiro community garden 

The volunteers where two older gentlemen and 3 girls. They made for a entertaining bunch and most of the day was filled with conversation :)

I came back home and ran again and did a 10 minute Fabulous intense workout, it felt more intense than my run 0.0. I watched lesson 5 of my Spanish course and can now count up to ? in Spanish. 

I read chapter two of Dale Carnegie and this chapters message is to give genuine praise to people and make them feel appreciated. Carnegie distinguishes the difference between flattery and genuine appreciation and that flattery is very bad in general as it's dishonest. He also mentions that what separates man from animal is their wanting to feel great or important. This is why when people feel appreciated, they feel good because they feel important. He says that this is an actual need in our deepest of desires. We fill our stomachs with potatoes and meat for nutrition yet we neglect our friends, families and co-workers self-esteems which is built on the basis of giving appreciation.

I'll try practice this tomorrow. 

Grateful for: The environment that holds us above it and keeps us alive, conversation, sea, tea and my running shoes.

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 78,

Meditation - yes. Run - yes.

I spent my day today visiting my mum. I sometimes think what it would be like if I would be in her shoes if my family didn't visit me in a while - I would get sad. I know how much happiness she gets from me being there but I'm setting boundaries between us because frankly she's addicted to me in a non-healthy way. She doesn't see it as she rationalizes it as ' being a loving mother' Her background is an Iraqi women from the baby boomers, women from the middle East heavily believe in their ties to family. She seemed much better than our last encounter in my hometown so I was happy about that and was also listening a fair bit. Later towards dinner time she became the clingy mother again, filling my plate with meat and overfilling my takeaway bag with excess food. I am appreciative of her kindness but these efforts go against my values and when I express them she doesn't listen :/ o well. I'm planning to maybe just visit her once a week, it honestly is an unhealthy mother-son relationship where she sees me as some little boy.

Anyways... Whilst I was there my stepdad offered to ask a friend of his to see if I could get a job painting. That friend asked one of his friends and I called that guy and set up an interview on Tuesday. I asked for 2 days of work for now just so I can ease myself back into the workforce as I haven't worked in a looooong time, overall I'm pretty happy about it. My dad and older brother both said they would top me up a dollar for every dollar I make so I think I may be able to find this South America trip.

I know I'm spoiled. My mom even offered me to have $100 to help out with whatever, I was annoyed... I told her that these things are making me have difficulty managing money when I have such free access to it. I ended up taking $40 to help with paying for the dance classes and train transport. Still I'm pretty sure my issue with being spoiled is related due to having so many things taken care for me. What do I do? Move to another country, ditch my family and block all contact? Lol. I'm grateful for my family but for some reason they think throwing money at me is gonna help me. First world problems xD. 

I also processed some more recent photographs here they are:

Grateful for: photography, family, food, legs to get me to places and keep me active and dancing.

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 77,

I had a low day today, I think because I spent too long at the dance last night and came back home to sleep and post my journal late. After I posted my GQ journal and turned my light off, I closed my eyes for 2 seconds and felt like I could do journal my experience of going out so I wrote that in my personal journal. I ended up asking a girl to make out but she refused, I analysed why this was and it was alot of mistakes on my end. I wasn't too unhappy with getting rejected because I felt strong to doing something I dreaded. There was many gorgeous ladies, I talked to alot of them but I'm still doing interview style conversations lol, with time and practice :D

I meditated this morning and ran. My 3 important tasks where to add affirmations to vision board, I revisited Hal Elrods list of affirmations but remembered I had written my own 2 months earlier near the beginning of my journey. So I felt confused as to which to use (perfectionism) and ended up following a link to the miracle morning FB group. From there I procrastinated and ended up unfollowing all the 'fun' pages I followed when I used to use Facebook. Later I fell asleep feeling tired from only 5 hours of sleep and woke up at 9.30AM.

I had the thought that I should try turning FB into a more useable socializing app for my Kizomba meetups, potential photography people and Spanish speaking locals. I'm quite hesitant to use Facebook after learning the dangers of FB from the Science of WB research. I just need to have it be used with intention but I found myself almost instantly just scrolling down a few posts and then realized I was being lured with it's addictive qualities.

After all this procrastination, I ended up momentarily thinking about a girl I was dancing with and had gotten a boner. Soon afterwards, I opened up porn :) I hadn't masterbated in a week so I'm not beating myself up. But the more important lesson is of the downward spiral of how procrastination begins with no sleep and it's effects on concentration and intention. 

Oh yeah I went to the city and looked at some different accommodation that's located in the city. I later walked around the city and shot low light street photography. I'll process these tomorrow.

I'm going to sleep fuck y'all ?

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 76, 

I woke up late today at 8.30am. I didn't really meditate but did exercise doing a 7 minute workout via Fabulous app.

After completing 3 days of writing my to-do list, Fabulous offered me the next routine to start which is to cut down the to-do list to the 3 most important 3 tasks to do this day that have relation to achieving my goals and rank them in order of importance:

A. Put my goals and game-plan on the vision board. 

B. Read Social Anxiety material and read Dale Carnegie. I did the former but not the latter.

C. Look up Spanish meetups to attend one.

Later this night I went to the Kizomba social, here's proof.

Some thoughts that I wrote down in my journal that may be of interest to any reader.

"We should look at ourselves before we judge others, because how we judge others is how we judge ourselves"

This is my rephrased understanding from Dale Carnegie where in his writing he says nearly all the crooked men rationalize their destructive behavior defending themselves after murdering and such. From this insight, Carnegie reveals that if we don't turn that judging outlook inwards to see where we are going wrong, we will be blind to our own blunders just like the 'bad guys' we ourselves condemn. This goes beyond murderous people to the mundane actions in our everyday life. I caught myself judging about 20 times today with this perspective. The ego I've allowed to be created runs the show unconsciously and I am further skeptical if this act of catching myself is yet again ego in another disguise playing a facade as if I can outsmart myself and feel good about it. The mind is such a mystery...

"There is no point in planning for the future if we cannot plan to enjoy the present moment" this one is from Alan Watts if IIRC.

Spanish WotD: Liso (smooth)

El plátano es liso (The banana Is smooth). El piso se sentía liso (The floor felt smooth).

Grateful for: my courage to attend the Kizomba social

Pushing my self to say hi to many people - I probably talked to 30 people today 0.0 albeit briefly and some longer.

My journal which cleans out the rough edges of my thoughts and delivers it in a more precise clear-headed manner, valuable with insights. 

Bananas as a long lasting energy food for my days.

Again, the compassion for myself to get myself out of the shit hole I was in - this can't really be over emphasized enough because it is only you that can help yourself and that requires the kindness and belief that you are capable of living and even thriving in this world. Most of my life I didn't think I deserved to live, now I'm excited to act in life.

Another Malone classic.

 

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Days 75,

Quick update. I meditated, getting better now - process over outcome. Did a short core workout via Fabulous app instead of my usual run.

Gave away another duffel bag worth of clothes to the local community church.

Called me oldest brother at 10AM and be shared with each other our goals for the week and measurable action plans to achieving them. At the end we accepted to make a transaction of $30 from me to him if I didnt achieve my goals by the next Sunday accountability call and $50 foe him to me I'd he didn't as well.

I attended the Kizomba dance teaching and had alot of fun and met some new people. Today there is a social as well which I plan to attend as well. Here is a picture of me and the Kizomba dancers! 

Grateful for: women to dance with, the cold to keep me on my toes, dark chocolate 72% warmth, my courage to take action and a father who I can talk to and joke with.

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

On 5/26/2018 at 11:32 PM, kef777 said:

"I've started reading Dale Carnegie to work towards my goal of being social". I have read this book a lot of years ago but I forgot about his ideas. What is the most important thought in this book for you?

So far I've read the first chapter and the teaching principle is:

"Don't criticize, condemned and complain"

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 74,

Today was very good. I practised meditation with the same mindset of focusing on the process and visualising my focus on my breath, I got a bit of calmness doing this.

I didn't run today because I had a volunteer role today to help out a small local community music impromptu stage performance set up a a park and expected to be running around alot. I didn't eat much today so think it's ok, I'll run tomorrow which is normally my day off. It's weird taking a day off my miracle morning seems so disastrous to simply take a day off. I find it a challenge that keeps my mind sharp by following these routines, habits and measurable lifestyle with deadlines. I look to make my miracle morning 7 days in the long run, it's that fucking good.

I met an Indian guy called Rohind at the volunteer gig and I was talking passionately about my miracle morning.  He referred to how he and his wife usually say they will plan to go out for a walk or something but when the day comes they end up putting it off. I responded by saying that I have difficulty in this too but I think it's related to seeing the end goal. I continued, that after you achieve something you need to celebrate that achievement with positive emotions so that next time you think of doing that activity, you are reminded of how good you felt after doing it and that helps you to drive through. There's of course other things to do with building that discipline but this is what came to my mind as I'm recently trying to remember to celebrate successes. 

The point of the aforementioned paragraph is not to gloat about my knowledge but to be amazed once again that Rohind has a job working as an accountant, yet he has difficulty in pushing through against the discomfort of exercising discipline for his health. I am used to beating myself up for not working but here Rohind provides me with yet another reference point to remind me that everyone has their own problems. Mine is getting work that I don't self-sabotage myself in, his was pushing through the discomfort of exercising versus the cold. This puts me a more rational perspective where I don't see myself at the bottom of a pit thinking other people are in dreamy heavens with no problems and is helping me build my self-worth.

I filled out several things in my Google calendar and it helps seeing my tasks ahead and how much time I have alotted for them and if the times I've set seem reasonable or not. I've started reading Dale Carnegie to work towards my goal of being social. I met a Kizomba dance teacher at the volunteer gig and he has me convinced to come check out his Dance classes 5-7pm tomorrow. He says it's similar to salsa and has an emphasis on 'connection'.

Here's a video exhibiting the dance:

I have moved my MM wake up time to 6AM to get more things done.

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 73, 

Meditation went better today, I focused on the process more and felt my eyes closing and slowed down my thoughts with the pace of my breath. I had less resistance to running today as it was gladly a little warmer but also that I changed the order of my routine. I ate oats before going for a run 20 minutes later which warmed me up nicely. The right side of my knee seems to be weak persistently, over the last 5 years or so I notice it seems weak somehow. I usually do a stretch to warm and get it ready for running which helps alot but eventually it makes itself be felt. I wonder if there's some arthritis related stuff happening there, my mother and oldest brother both have arthritis issues. I'll start taking fish oil pills to help it.

I began to write in my to-do list and it helped alot to get things done. I took out two plastic bags full of clothes to the nearby clothing bin and I think I have still some more to give away. It's amazing how much things we have that we don't use! I did this because I want to clean up my environment for a clear, working mind.

I also bought 2 AA batteries for my old-school alarm clock - the champion of my morning habits. I had been using my phone the last few weeks for the alarm, but I am glad I'm back to using this old type alarm; nothing is as frighteningly powerful as this clock which ships my ass like an army drill :)

I talked to Alexys more, God he's fun to talk to. Something about being clumsy with language and laughing at each other's mistakes and our own makes the learning so fun. I wonder if it's also a cultural thing, if people from more family, communal based societies learn to laugh at silly things and take life a little less seriously. I'm really enjoying our exchanges, we just share bullshit with each other but are also eager to learn from each other. It's kinda sad but I haven't had a friend like this in years... Which I'm grateful for.

Spanish of the Day: tendré - it's the future tense of tiene (have) i.e "mañana tendré un día un poco estresante" Tomorrow I have a little stressful day"

I went to a local council operated netcafe for work only and printed out my grand vision, goals, game-plan, guidance and get it done answers. I'm tired right now but I'll cut them up and post them on my vision board tommorow morning to help guide me on my path.

Whilst in the netcafe I looked up local events that was happening and found out there was a light festival going on. I walked there and back which was at least 5K's minus the actual walking about in the festival. I took my 85mm which I hardly use but I think I got kinda meh shots, it's hard to tell without a proper monitor but it was hard to tell stories. The most obvious one was the interaction of attendees faces with the lights spilling on their faces but feel a little awkward shooting people. I think there's one or two good ones in there. 

Grateful: kids that brighten up the 'real world' with their spontaneity and care-freeness, a friend across the world who doesn't speak English but is funny and friendly, warm gloves and snowboard jackets, soup and my compassion for myself that continues to burn the fuel for my life. 

[My Goal is to Write Every Day to this Journal]

I'm getting a lot of useful information from your posts, just want to say they are appreciated and helpful.

[Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)]

Day 72,

I meditated a little... I'm not sure I'm able to meditate unguided for 10 minutes in a human constructed environment. I've been trying to over the last 2 weeks and the effects have been rather weak. I guess I'm trying to focus too much on meditating but my thoughts are so dying for attention, it's rocky. But that's the point of it all isn't it, to sit comfortably with your thoughts and not let them effect me. The sunrise has been coming up half hour later to I have moved my alarm to 6.30AM so I can run when the sunrises around 7.20AM.

I bought a pair of gloves, a beanie and a package of 5 small notebooks. I'm going to use the notebooks to write my to-do list each day to begin building the habit of being organized and disciplined. I came back home and trued avoiding laying under the blankets, so I listened to Hal Elrods podcast about the 5 G's of goal setting. I'm going to sit down and go through them after my run tomorrow. There's some other things in there that I don't do like having an accountability partner which I think I can ask my oldest brother to help out with.

I had an hour nap after this. This is my problem with winter, it's cold so I think to just crawl in bed for warmth because I'm not moving about. My solution needs to involve activities to keep warm and not sleep away the day.

I revisited some more verbs in Spanish. Singular pronoun verbs end with o, as and an. Hablo for yo(I), hablas (tú, you), habla (ella and él) and hablan when talking about Ellas (she), ellos (they or group of males) or ustedes (you formal). 

I watched interstellar, I felt it was a little overated. The idea was interesting but had a weird pacing and somewhat let down by performances by McConaughey and the supporting actress. They just didn't seem to fit their roles really and felt a bit forced. Maybe it was me expecting too much but I've seen time loop stories done with better effect using simpler methods such as Predestination.

I did cry a few times where there were moments between McConaughey and his daughter but they were mostly due to the powerful use of emotional soundtracks and their long separation imposed on the viewer by the films much longer than usual running time of 2 hours 49 minutes. 3 stars from me. Time travel films don't really benefit from being unnecessarily complicated I think.