SuperSaiyanGod

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 8, 5.09.2019 It's 13:18 and I almost forgot to write today because I woke up at 5am and immediately started working on writing an article sesction that was due on the last day of July. And that's because yesterday my supervisor messaged me about it and so the deadline finally cought up with me. But get this, working pretty slowly and taking lots of breaks, including guitar and breakfast breaks, it took six hours. There were maybe three hours of work in that period, tops. But overall it took me two months and five days to do it. Jesus. I'm so stupid. Every time I procrastinate, it turns out it was the easiest thing ever. This makes me anxious about the other thing I've been procrastinating all summer, which is to find a three-week internship. I had to do it by the end of September, but I didn't because I found it extremely stressful. Paralyzing. And it's going to cause me trouble at college almost certainly. But it's too late now, so I'll just worry about that later. I'm sort of bored. I was planning to play 2 video games while I'm here (there's no possibility to download more), but I've lost interest. Maybe I'll read a little, but I'll have to do it while sitting in a chair, because otherwise I'll fall asleep. I'm sort of sleepy. Just enough that if I were to lie down I'd fall asleep. But I don't want to do that, there's too big a chance of causeing problems. Yesterday I didn't sleep at all during the day, and went to bed at 8pm, read a little and went to sleep at 8:30. I think I fell asleep almost immediately, and I think I only woke up three or four times the whole night. I woke up before 5am and I wanted to continue sleeping so that I can be less sleepy during the day, but I couldn't. Anyway, that's it for now.

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 7, 4.09.2019 It's 9:30, I almost forgot to write this. So, yesterday I didn't sleep at all during the day, and I only got very tired around 5pm - way too late to take a nap. So I went to bed at 8:30 and didn't have virtually any trouble falling and staying asleep all the way til 5am. Then I got up before 7am. Which is awesome. So it took just 7 nights to get to this point. Now I think I just have to keep working on making it a well established habit. Once again, what helps a lot is being at my parents'. Also, today I woke up sore. Even though I exercised an objectively small amount. That's good, that makes me happy and gives me motivation to exercise again. So I'll do it in a few days.

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 6, 3.09.2019 It's 9:15. I went to bed at 10pm and slept just as well as yesterday. Feeling pretty good. Yesterday I slept for an hour between 2pm and 3pm (being at my parents' actually helps with my sleeping habits because they keep interupting me if I sleep during the day). And then I slept for maybe half an hour total while watching movies and reading etc.. It didn't make it harder for me to fall asleep in the evening. Today I tried exercising before shower, and it went badly. My knee hurts during exercises it shouldn't. This made me a bit angry. But I'm also unable to do really any exercise because I get ridiculously tired almost immediately. Maybe I just have to give it a couple more tries and it'll get better. That's it for now.

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 5, 2.09.2019 Yesterday I slept maybe half an hour on the train around noon and half an hour during a movie round 5pm. Then I went to sleep at 9pm because I'm at my parents' and didn't feel like staying up once they were asleep. I was a bit worried that it would backfire, but it worked out very well - I was asleep for maybe 75% of the time between 9pm and 6:30am. The I just woke up on my own and felt quite well-rested. I was also hungry, which is good. And now I'm done with my morning routine. I forgot to exercise though so I'll do it tomorrow, because I don't feel like showering twice. Nothing else to report today.

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 4, 1.09.2019 It's 6:34am. This day is sort of a milestone because the exact same situation as last time I tried this happened yesterday, but the reesult was different. So last time I tried to fix my sleeping habits, at day three I screwed up and instead reverted back into my old sleeping habit, by I think going to take a nap sometime before noon and sleeping for like five hours. This made me completely depressed for several weeks, I've actually never felt this bad before, never had as little motivation as I did then. I felt like a complete failuer, unable to perform even the most basic tasks in life, sort of like what I described just before day 1. Well, yesterday the plan was to go to sleep sometime before noon or in the early afternoon and sleep for maybe two hours. This would allow me to feel better during the day but not screw up with my falling asleep during the night. Well, I went to bed at 9:00am and the two hours turned into five. And it wasn't registered as a nap but instead as normal sleep. I instantly felt angry and disappointed in myself, just like last time. Like I'm a failuer and that the rest of the day is already ruined and wasted because I couldn't even do this simple task, and because the effort from the last few days was now wasted. But then I thought that, even though I felt the anger (which I was trying to hold back and not let it turn into full-blown self-hate), I could stil turn this around by doing the major task I had planned, which was to clean my room and the apartment. My room had been a mess, with barely a way to walk from the door to the bed, and no way to get to the window, and I knew that it was sapping my motivation the same way my bad sleeping habits had. And so I started working on that on the course of the rest of the day, and it took about five hours to complete. Now my room looks very well, I threw out all the trash, cleaned the floor, reorganised the items which have been piling up (sort of against my minimalism: guitars, amplifier, stationary bike etc) and now I have a lot of space in the middle. So much that when I return here in two weeks (because I'm leaving today) I'll be able to exercise comfortably (about that later). And at the end of the day I felt accomplished, and I liked myself. I think the self-hate that I so often experience stems from a disappointment in myself for not being able to do basic tasks, for procrastinating, etc. Yesterday I had none of it. I feel like my head is now more clear and I can soon start focusing on the more complex aspects of my life. Now it's 6:48 and I have to get going because in a few hours I'm leaving for my parents' for two weeks. I sort of dread some of it but more about that later. The main task for today is: while I'm at the train for four hours, look into and start writing that thing I've been procrastinating with for almost two months. Once I do that there'll be a lot less stress in my life. Day 4. That was night 4 too I think. After the night 4 I felt my sleeping was much more stable. I think it's a matter of a few more nights at most before my sleeping pattern gets normalised, and then it'll be just about sustaining it and making it a proper habit.

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 3, 31.08.2019 It's 5:40. I went to sleep at around 0:20am, and immediately fell asleep to what was registered as a nap, until 2:00am. But then I just went to sleep again and somehow slept until around 4:40, and haven't been able to fall asleep since then. So for now the plan is to do some stuff for a few hours and then go to sleep for another three hours. I'm feeling this weird combination of sleepy and hungry. I did all my taksk yesterday except cleaning the room. So today's task is pretty much only to cleann the room and the apartment. I'm feeling pretty good since the last time I tried this, by day three I was depressed because I had reverted back into my old sleeping habits. That got me extremely depressed actually, and that depression lasted until three days ago. I'm doing quite well so far though. It's not very hard at all if I go easy on myself. And I don't see a reason why I shouldn't. I'm not quitting gaming right now. That is a goal for some weeks down the road. According to that rule I'm focusing on one thing at a time, and the most important thing (the one with the largest effect on how I feel) is the sleeping habits. Last time I quit gaming (somewhere around 24.09.2018) I was able to go to 80 days because I was ready. I was mentally prepared after three months of working on my other habits, namely food and sleep. Back then the two were a great success and I was highly motivated and well-equipped to do the gaming thing. But right now I'm not prepared, when I tried to quit several days ago I went maybe 22 hours. And it amde me feel horrible. Which is why there's no point in trying to do that right now.

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 2, 30.08.2019 Went to sleep at around midnight, it felt like a nap because I woke up at 3am unable to sleep, but then stayed in bed and somehow stayed asleep. So I was asleep on and off til 5:40am or somewhere around that. Yesterday I slept between 5pm and 7pm. I just couldn't stay awake. Today I think I'll go to sleep somewhere around 1pm for the same reason. That's it for now I guess. I'm already very sleepy.

Operation GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 1, 29.08.2019. Okay. I knew the first step was to wake up early, because waking up late is what makes me feel horrible immediately as soon as the day starts. So today I went to bed at around 1:30am, watched a movie for a short while, read two pages, and I turned a bit sleepy so I went to sleep. I knew my body would register it as a nap, but that's better than nothing. And I slept on and off til maybe 5:20am. And I got up. And get this, I already did some work. More precisely, I came up with the research subject I was supposed to figure out and after brief literature search it seems to hold up. So now I feel really good about myself. Well, okay, I came up with it yesterday as I was going to bed, and just checked it today. Still counts. Now the goal is to not go to sleep until midnight. Until then, anything goes to keep me occupied and not in bed, including all indulgences. My goal right now isn't really to fight any compulsions, but instead to get my life back into an operational condition. I'm going to record this exact process, wherever it may lead. That way I'll know what exactly what I did next time I'll find myself in the same situation. By the way, a couple of days ago I hit 14 months of relatively good diet. Haven't had potato chips, candy, candybars, or any packaged snacks including waffles, cookies etc. in 14 months. In general I have 2-3 meals a day, and only eat when I'm really hungry (sort of listening to the signals of my body and all that). Pizza is allowed, and at times there was definitely too much of it. Had that not been the case, I would have lost much more than 23kg.

I'm the stupidest piece of shit I know. I fucking hate myself. I just woke up, at 5:30pm. After going to sleep at 9:30am. This is what every day looks like. I'm happy if I'm able to get up at 2pm. This completely ruins my motivation for anything. I have two immediate things that I have to do, they are overdue, and I'm completely unable to start. I don't have the strength to do anything. My room is a horrible mess. I'm unable to do the most basic tasks. I'm not guided by any goal or purpose. I just react.

I've just remembered something. The rule was that anything goes as long as I do / don't do x. It worked perfectly for my diet (haven't broken any rule even once in seven months), exerecise (hadn't skipped a day until me knee started acting up), and then video games. Maybe I'll just apply that again. Although I really want to game right now. I can't think of anything that could take my mind off of it. Especially since gaming is an active activity, and I don't really have any other active things to do that I would be able to do for such a long time.

I want to quit gaming. I know it doesn't serve me. But I don't know how to do it, I don't know what I did last time when I made it to 80 days. I guess I was just motivated. Or I started at the right moment. I remember feeling ready for it. It was supposed to serve a specific goal of being an engaged student. I also started at a time when I had very little stress from external sources (in contrast to the often-present stress from the inner source of suicidal thoughts). So right now I am basically over with my semester. I only have two small things and one tiny, easy exam and then I'll have exactly three weeks of winter break. Which means it's going to get a lot less stressful. This should make not gaming much easier. So I'll start now and I'll have a headstart.

I haven't touched junk food, snacks, ice cream, candy etc. in over six months. December 24 was actually ~180 days. December 24 was also supposed to be exactly 90 days without gaming. I had a reddit post planned to celebrate that. I made it to around 80 though. At some point I decided that since I waste a lot of time anyway, I might as well waste it on games, because what's the difference. I can be reasonably productive even if I spend 5 hours a day on porn and the internet, so if I replace some of that with gaming it wouldn't be a problem. The whole reason I had cut out gaming in the first place was so that it wouldn't distract me from college stuff. Well, there is only one difference between gaming and surfing, and it's that gaming makes me want to do it more. The more I game, the more I want to game the next day. And very soon my days became almost exclusively about gaming. At one point a few weeks ago I started working really hard on reducing procrastination. I was making detailed plans and intentions about the things I'm gonna do, and I felt really good because I was taking care of all the stressful stuff very quickly. I intended to continue during my Christmas break, and I even kept it up for three days. I woke up quite late, but I got to work immediately. I planned to do several important things during the week. I worked on them incrementally, for 2-4 hours a day, and then went to visit a friend or played video games. But I soon started playing video games until 2am. Then 4am. When I was with my friend, I often wanted to go home and play video games. Sunday the 23rd was the last productive day, then between Monday and today I've been doing almost nothing but gaming.And I've been going to sleep after 4am and waking up after noon. And I was getting increasingly stressed out about all the important things I still have to do. So now, at 4am I've decided to get rid of my games again. This time it should be much easier even than the last time, because I've learned a lesson about why I really don't want to game. Still, I made it to 80 days. It's never been that long, except maybe in 2012 when I had a girlfriend. And it was surprisingly easy because I spent the entire summer preparing. And I took it one thing at a time - instead of attempting to turn my life over, I just added another element to a change that's been going on since June. I still have quite a lot of time to get everything done. I'll just have to start working on it. My diet is reasonably okay compared to how I ate earlier, though I haven't been losing weight for about two months because I ate too much pizza. As in every 2-3 days. Maybe I'll work on that too. It appears I am not going to any new year's eve party. Oh well. Now that I think of it, I'm not sure I've ever been to one (or hosted one) that I have genuinely enjoyed. It's more like I always expect the next one is going to be perfect.

I did it. I've assembled a six person team and we prepared an outline of a large event and sent it to a contest from which we're might get the funds to see it through. It was pretty hard, but I had a lot of help from more experienced people. I also had a great team. I've finished one of the smaller projects, the other one is by this Friday, not the previous one. So I'm gonna finish it by the end of the week and then have a quieter period. I'm having a bit of trouble controlling my eating. I eat to much pizza and waste a lot of money on it. Otherwise, I feel stressed out but pretty okay.

Starting this moment, the most hardcore week of this year starts for me. Three major projects to do, one by Tuesday and two by Friday. But I'm gonna do it. So, starting now, I don't have time for even a single distraction. No youtube, no movies. No two hours of porn before going to sleep, no sleeping in in the morning. This is something I can do. I'll tell you how it went in a week.

I don't think I got any rest. Nothing's changed, I still feel overwhelmed by everything. I don't wanna live my life, I don't wanna do all that stressful stuff. I wanna forget about everything. I can't even do the simple things because I'm paralyzed whenever I think about them.

This week there took place an event my friends and I have been preparing since February. It was a meeting of all the officials of a large European student organisation I'm in. 70 people from around the continent, 8 days. Even though a few nights were hard, this was probably one of the top 3 weeks of my life. And for the first time in my life I felt like I have a group of friends. Then there was an after party with just the ten of us. We really got close to each other, or at least that's what I hope it is. And I hope it lasts. But now I have to return to my crappy life, and I feel even worse about it because of the contrast. I just have to survive the next month, I have three large projects which I am panicking about, but they will be over by the second week of December. I don't really care about doing them well, I just wanna survive.

I might be repeating myself and it may be boring. But I would really like to kill myself and be done with all this. There's too much stress from everything. This looks like the perfect, permanent solution to this permanent problem. I can't imagine how I could ever be at peace unless I do it. How I would like to be done with all this nonsense.

I have strong mood swings on a daily basis. Like today I felt okay, then rather bad, then quite good, then great for a short while, then bad as soon as I got home.

I feel the best when I have a lot to do and I have a challenge mindset about them. Which is right now. I've decided that my chief challenge for the next let's say 3 months is going to be to be disciplined about studying. If I can do all my studying regularly, and actually study with the purpose of learning things and not just to pass classes, I'm going to feel a lot better about my college and about my future. Which means I'm going to be a lot less stressed out and my quality of life is going to go through the roof. I'm also going to keep notes on everything to-do, so that I can be absolutely sure that I'm not forgetting anything. I'll also keep deadlines to plan my activities ahead. It was exactly the same thing with food back in June - when I had my meals planned a few days in advance, and a full fridge at all times, it was much easier to keep discipline about what I ate, and my diet has been a great success so far. So, with these notes everything's going to be much better organised, I'll be calmer about not-forgetting stuff, and as a result I'll have much less stress. Which means my quality of life is going to improve greatly. In other words: for now I'll just get to work.

Here's what I mean by surviving. A typical pattern of my daily life is to get up and do the basic morning stuff, go do the things I have to do like classes and other obligations, then get back home and sit in front of the computer or go to bed, sometimes both at the same time, and try not to think about all the stuff that I have to do the next day. If I have a free day than it's computer and bed all the time, with as much sleeping as possible. And that's it. Sometimes I study. I eat well and exercise regularly, but otherwise all I wanna do is forget about my life as often as possible. Does anyone else have the same thing?

That depends on your goals, right? If you want to save up money for a house, wedding, children etc., then maybe you should get the job that pays more. If you aren't planning such things but take the job then it seems your goal is to have as much money as possible when you die. Which doesn't really make sense. On the other hand if your goal is to simply live a satisfying life, then maybe you should take the job that gives you more satisfaction?

Thanks for your reply. I'm at a very bad place at the moment, lying in bed unable to sleep, thinking about my life and crying a little. The void I'm taking about is not about meaning, it's mostly about feelings. I know that every single facet of the entirety of existence is as meaningless as possible. I don't have even a slight inclination towards doing anything "meaningful" with my life. I want to make my life feel better, that's it. I don't know what that emotional void is. It's like something very important is missing from my life, or maybe from me. Like I'm lacking something. But i don't know what it is, and the only thing I can do about it is try to escape from it, forget about it. Which is why I do pretty much anything, like sleep as long as I can, or lie in front of the computer late into the night so that I can postpone the moment when I have to lie in bed doing nothing for about an hour before I fall asleep. I'm just uncomfortable with being with myself. Maybe that's the core problem. I keep comparing myself to characters from How I Met Your Mother. I've never had anything even resembling the friendship that they have. Right now I would like to have someone I could share my pain with. I would like to have someone to listen while I talk about the problems even I'm having trouble naming, give me their time and accept me as I am, and then hug me while I cry. And then if they ever needed the same, I would be there for them. I haven't had anyone like that in a very long time, if ever. This hurts even more.

There is a void and everything I do is to escape from it. I have no idea how I could fill it instead. It's destroying me and I don't know how much longer I can hold out like this.

I'm spending most of my time watching a tv show. Otherwise, college-related stuff is getting very stressful, I've already had a breakdown a few days ago.

END OF SUMMER UPDATE I have over 90 days of good diet and 41 days of everyday exercising under my belt. On the first of October I'm starting classes again and just now I've decided to stop gaming. I thought about doing it earlier but I didn't think I could succeed. I'm going to do it now so that I can have a week when I start classes. It'll be hard to fill my days with something interesting, but I think I can manage it. I've been extremely stressed out by every single thing, obligation or plan, and so for the summer I didn't have any plans and as little obligations as I could. In general, most of my life efforts focus on escaping life. This seems to be the root of all my compulsive behavior. I think I'm ready to start changing it. I started my diet the day of my last exam and I've been at it every since, never breaking a rule. It was a very slight change so it wasn't hard. Then I thought I could add another small change, because it'd been 50 days from the previous one. I figure if I add these changes with less frequency, I won't be overwhelmed by them and I'll be able to stick with them. And so I've decided to exercise on my stationary bike for 30 minutes every day, and I haven't skipped a day. Now I've gotten rid of all my games. This is going to be helpful because I already have some college-related stuff to do and no games will mean one less place to escape to. I've lost at least 8kg (could be more since I don't remember my starting weight, but it was at least 110kg) since the beginning of the summer, but it only kicked off since I've cut out sugar from several products I've been eating. Sporadically eating pizza didn't seem to be any problem weight-wise. I'm often craving for something sweet so I have a constant supplies of oranges. I didn't even start working on the youtube channel I had been planning, except for writing maybe 10% of two scripts. This is mostly because of what I wrote about plans above, and also just fear of the unknown, and I don't like to be on camera. Plus, since then I've kinda lost interest in the topic of the planned channel. I figure I should instead focus on stuff related to college and work, because I'd really like to have some security first and foremost. This summer I've probably been the most depressed since 2011. Thinking about death practically every day. I'm not saying I suddenly have some new resolve or anything. But for now I'm just going to give it another go. I'd really like to have some friends I could count on and spend time with, like people in a tv show I'm watching. I've never had any of that. I guess I'll just get to work on my professional life for now (as in start building it from less than zero), which is the only thing in my life about which I kinda have an idea how I can fix it. Okay, I've deleted my latest game and my mod storage. Setting it up again would take a whole day. This should be enough for now. Tomorrow I'll have some stuff to do, otherwise I'll probably read a book or something.