SuperSaiyanGod

In the month of May I meditated for 5 hours and 27 minutes. Roughly ten minutes a day, every day. Now I'm trying to go up to twenty. Although I've been putting it off until the evening about half the time, and it's also easier while lying down. I should mostly meditate while sitting, but the evening sessions are a very relaxing addition. I want to write more, but I think I should study. At least until Thursday, when there is an important exam.

I finally finished writing the most terrible essay of my life! I hope I get a C! I want to relate to the latest video, but I'm going to do that tomorrow. Or on Thursday. Yes, that sounds more probable, as I now have an exam to prepare for, it's gonna be in two parts and I have almost zero knowledge for the harder, more important, only-one-chance part. Oh boy. God, this is such a happy journal entry.

Gah, ultimately it didn't work. Three hours of porn. Then I relapsed again just now, in the morning. I'm gonna do my morning routine now.

I had a huge porn urge. Well, not that huge, but it was uncomfortable. First I thought I might just rub it out - which wouldn't be bad, but I've already done that yesterday and I don't want it to be too frequent - so I went to reddit, and there a tip: mindfulness meditation. So I've decided to do a guided session - but my roomies were having a lot of fun in the room nextdoor. So I've decided to go for a walk, but I've actually stopped, went back and got a bike, and went for a ride. Talk about... active recovery! (see, because biking is a form of active recovery you can do after a workout, but also I'm in recovery, and I've used biking to deal with the urge - it's a pun. And it's quite funny. God, I should be a comedian.)

Thanks. I actually haven't read most of these posts after writing them. Let's see. It's morning, I've already meditated and then I've decided to do the self-esteem exercises. Oh god. I've started doing them at the beginning of the month, then I had those 10 days of gaming, so I didn't do them, then I went for the assertiveness part. Jesus. This is such a waste of time. I'd rather just work on it in action istead of pondering about it forever, during the most frustrating 20 minutes of the day right when it starts. As I've said: things I do once are how the development is done. Those I have to do every day - a load of crap. Except for meditation. I'll just do my jogging now. It's gotten so pleasurable lately. I feel the sword of failure hanging above me. Turns out there's a lot more shit to do in order to pass these exams. And it seems there's more and more people trying to get some of this (I'm of course referring to the private lessons). I should start turning people down from now on. I should have started studying earlier. I could have had both of these essays ready months ago...

I've currently started reading 4 books at the same time, three of which are self-help, so that's enough for now. But thanks for the tip It's a religious holiday. 10:30. I woke up an hour after the alarm, but it's still a good score. I seriously wanted to get up so that I can do my exercises. I've made a longer than usual stretching session, and then I've been doing workout exercises I haven't been doing in quite a while. It's so refreshing, I feel young. And I've been working out hard, not the way I've been doing it for the last months. I don't even remember how long it was. The plan for today is meeting my friends to help them with some VR research, and in addition to that simply studying. I have two essays to write, about 300 pages to read for the cognitive psych. exam, and a lot of notes for one in genetics. I have 14 days until the cp exam, so I only have to read... 22 pages a day. Doesn't sound that terrible. God, I love the exams, it's such an exciting challenge! The February session has been one of the best periods in my life. And then? Summer. I've ruined every summer until now with gaming, even the one when I had a nice romance. Gaming, hours of porn, and hours of tv shows were the thing I've been doing in my free time almost every day of my life. I know without these three, or at least without gaming and tv, the summer is gonna be awesome... @Paul A. told me two days ago that my life is "so interesting". I never thought of it that way. I never admitted such a possibility. I always thought a life alone can't be interesting. Now... I have a different perspective. Maybe the things I do aren't good ways to make friends with people. But I'm happy I'm in the place I'm in now. One last thing. I'm already living in October, when there's gonna be the next party to organize. God, I love doing that so much, I already have so many ideas.

Thanks Cam. I find that the periods when I write in the journal are always better. Sitting at college currently, just had lunch, chilling while waiting for a lecture. A few thoughts: I didn't get into the research program. Whatever, there's gonna be another time in a year.I just made another bunch of money. Yayz! I think I'm feeling a bit more confident with my teaching skills, but I'm still a bit anxious every time I'm about to meet the person. I always hope that they are going to cancel, or not show up. I think I'm just scared of making a mistake or something.Same thing applies to the job opportunity. I feel anxious about writing to my friend, who's the recruiter, because I feel I won't be able to back down after I show any interest. Damn, this is so stupid.I actually know what this is, with all three of these points. Every time I'm actually hoping that a thing isn't going to work out, it's a self-sabotage.

I'm doing the program from Convict Conditioning. Only six exercises in various variants, though now I'm only doing four. I have a bad experience with r/bodyweight, they would just criticise me when I asked them for advice on something. For now I'm doing a seven day cycle: day 1 is push-ups and squats, day 4 is leg-raises and bridges, and days 2, 3, 5 and 6 is jogging. I'm currently training to be able to run for 20 minutes straight with this program. And there's ten minutes of stretching every day.

Ah, I had so much good stuff written and then I clicked something and and it disappeared. I'm gonna rewind and try to write that in short points. Let's see. I've been gaming for the last week, but yesterday morning I deleted everything again. I was binge listening to a nice podcast while gaming, and now I'm going to have to drop that too, because it's going to remind me of the game. I almost couldn't sleep because of it, because I've been listening to it in my head.I applied for the research project mentioned earlier. I don't think I'm going to get it, but still, it's worth a try. I started writing the application way too late, I only had a few hours for it.I'm going to start working out and jogging again, and doing it more. I realised that I haven't been seeing any gains because I haven't been giving it my all. Now I'm going to work out in a weekly cycle, with two workouts and four jogging sessions. And I'm gonna work on more than one body part at the same day.My friend is persuading me to start climbing. I might think of it when the summer starts. It would be great for my physique, maybe even social life. I'd also like to learn how to swim, that would be great for my joints and back.I'm reading the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I showed it to my best friend (the climbing one) and we're going to work on it together, when he finiches his term. It's time to man up and make a real male friendship. For now I've decided to start a 3-6 month hiatus from trying to get the girls to like me. No dating, no flirting, no anything. I'll also do my best to combine that with no porn.A guy from my club at college has just posted a job ad. Maybe I should apply, it's only on the weekends in June. I think it's related to teaching english, or conducting exams, and I talk pretty nice englisch.A quote from the book on sexual hiatus:

FUUUUUUUCK! I lost everything again!

I know, I'm trying to find a willing partner and a course that's going to suit us both. There's a lot of salsa in my city, but I'm also gonna have to find someone who doesn't leave for the summer. God, I love dancing, I've been at two courses already but every time my partner at some point.

For now, I beat a huge porn urge during a porn session. I quit and went to sleep, and fell asleep easily. I couldn't delete the stash though because it had a too strong attraction, even with pictures disabled. I just got back from the party I was organizing, it's three a.m. and I still look like this. God, I wanna stay like that forever. The party was nice, I think it's still going on, but I kinda got depressed towards the end because I can't dance very well. I can dance well on my own, but not in pairs with holding hands and so on. Anyway, it was a success even though there were about 70 people (optimistically) and some of the contests didn't come to be. And I was DARTH MAUL! Next on my agenda: apply for a research program for students, it's called European Summer School and I can go to Turkey for a week, where I start a project with 5 other people and then we work on it for a year, resulting in a publication in some serious psychology journal. God, I wanna do this so much. Even if I don't get admitted this time, I'm gonna apply five times in a row every year afterwards. Now... I gotta take a shower...

Friday me: I have so much shit to do. I guess I'll game for 16 hours a day.

Thanks guys, I'll relate to everything next time. I'm so stressed about everything right now. I wanted to wake up early so that I had a lot of time to do my morning routine without having to hurry, but I forgot to set the alarm. Today I have to give a lesson, sell tickets, go to classes, go to a second hand store to buy things for the costume, and probably also plan the activities for the event. The last one is problematic, because I have no internet outside of home. If this is my journal, I think I'm allowed to complain a little. Is this complaining or just talking about a problem to the right person - me?

These are the things I have to do the make my life what I want it to be: Stop watching porn.Stop gaming.Stop eating junk food.Fix the relationship with my parents.Become assertive.Build indomitable discipline with my daily habits.Instead I'm gaming again, and organizing my day around the game. And watching porn 5 times a day.

Let's see. I wrote about me trying to identify those needs on r/pornfree and the responses were... kind of shallow. I ate junk food today. I had a huge craving for porn when I was at classes and I was going home with a plan to watch porn and eat junk food. Which I did. I'm very busy, but it doesn't help with abstaining from porn. I'm doing three things: Organising a Psychologist's Ball, and I'm doing almost everything myself, and I have to prompt everyone to do anything every time! I think I'm gonna be the... like, the guy who runs the party on the spot and goes on the scene and makes fun happen. My vocabulary is so good!I'm studying for exams.I started giving private lessons and I've already made 110zł, oh yeah! It's so much fun to make money, I love having money. I don't really spend a lot of money, but I like having it. Anyway, this is taking up so much time, I actually have to hurry with my morning routine!I've started meditating though, and I got pumped when there was mention of meditation and mindfulness on my cognitive psychology and talk of how great it is for everything. Hurray! There's a poster to make which I've been struggling with the club for several days until it was perfect, in the attachment. Oh, I'm gonna be Darth Maul!

A binge has been transpiring until a few days ago, after 30 days of abstinence without a slip and an attempt to moderate to one hour a day because of boredom. I've written a report on StopGaming, I'll put a link here so that I have it all in one place. I don't feel like writing about that again, and anyway it's no longer fresh. The link to the report. I've been writing about my spreasheets a couple of times but I've never had a way to photograph them until now. Here's the link for the lastet one and the one before that. And the legend for both is in this post. Notice the Freedom Febraury in its most exquisite form, I'm very happy about how that went, although I remember I didn't do much during that time because I was on the wrong variant of the slight edge with other things. But I'm very happy about April, where you'll see a 15 at the end of the first row, which means it's been 50% porn-free. Which is I think my all-time record. What else do I have to say? I'm working on tiny, annoying habits like things I do with my hands, because they're usually at my face, or reinforcing my head because it was always uncomfortable without that. I can imagine what it looks like and I know it's not good for my social interactions. Also, I'm constantly getting infections on my head from scratching it, and that makes shaving it hard. So I've decided to keep my hands away from my hea at all times, and it actually stopped being uncomfortable when I don't support it with my hands. I know these are minor problems, but I wanted to get rid of them. Another thing is talking to myself, which I've been doing for years, but eliminated it almost completely within a week, using only a little consciousness. The only problem is controling these tics when I'm occupied with something or even stressed, then I hardly ever notice them. Edit I'm trying to identify the needs which I'm trying to fulfill using gaming and porn. I can't think of any. This is very hard, but I'd like to understand them, I believe that to be an important step in beating these addictions. Let's see. I'm usually playing games where I can talk to characters. I'm installing mods that increase immersion, to make me feel as it this was more like the real world. I'm also installing mods that add new characters which I can become friends with. I was once enchanted with one of these characters, so well-written and dubbed, I was replaying the game only to meet that one character again. I only play games alone, and most of them are about being some sort of exceptional character. A hero that goes around the world, visits interesting places and does expectional things. Even when I used to play Wow, I would just do quests alone, go after whatever story there is, to make me feel like I'm a lone adventurer instead of one of the players who keep exping and competing against each other. What else? I also like the progress I'm making in the games, getting levels, raising skills. Actually when my character gets strong and if the game becomes easy, I'm feeling disappointed and often lose interest. As for porn, I have no idea. I just feel the compulsion to watch it, and I know the materials I watch have nothing to do with my needs. What is it then? Here are some ideas for now: Making constant progressFeeling that I'm exceptional, that I'm doing exceptional thingsConnection with peopleFeeling that the world I'm inhabiting is interesting, predictable, makes sense and is prone to my influenceFeeling validated by other people (characters in this case)Feeling needed, wanted, desired.The last one is what I seek in porn, and I'm always disappointed. The connection with people I think makes the most sense actually. I'm talking about a deep connection, with a loved one or with a parent. I'm scared that the lack of connection with my parents during my childhood has ruined the rest of my life for me. Maybe I'll never be able to connect with anyone if I couldn't with them? If I still can't with them? Maybe I've been taught that I'm not worth it, or that it's impossible to do for someone like me? This makes me want to cry.

I've tried moderating and playing a single game for one hour a day. And maybe I could do this if I was on track with my other habits, but this weekend I just let go of most of them. Screw this, I'm not gonna try it again. One hour a day after a day of sensible work feels pretty good, but it doesn't feel good at all after a day of slacking off. I got rid of all the games again. I'll just go for the more mundane average day for now.

Thanks. It's A LOT easier this way, although I still get some cravings for just porn, like: oh, maybe I could just screw this and let myself watch in anyway. But it's not that hard to overcome now. I actually look at those cravings without the kind of fear I used to have. A thing about gaming: I'm having substantial urges to play an RPG game. The only trigger I might think of is occasionally reading some DnD rulebooks, fantasizing about playing it with someone. So I'm thinking, maybe one hour a day wouldn't be that bad. But then, I don't want to waste like 120 hours on something that's only feeding my compulsion. Edit: No, I need to fill the time with something else. I don't want to live a default life. What's a one fulfilling thing that I can do for an hour a day? It shouldn't be about sitting and reading, or sitting in front of the computer, nor about physical exercise, these I already have a lot of. Social things every day, that's impossible. What else can I do?

Okay, the 5am thing worked three times in a row and then I couldn't do it 4 times. Oh well, I'm still going to bed quite early, around 9pm, so I naturally wake up at 6am or 7am and that's good enough. Let's see. 25 days or so since the last slip. I'm reading a vampire novel and I have cravings for a certain video game. Two of them actually. Luckily I would have to buy one of them in order to mod it correctly, and I don't have 40 Euros. Also, that game is a HUGE porn trigger, as many of the mods sexualize the gameplay, so I have two reasons to keep away from it. Three actually, because I can't game without junk food. Shit, I'm sorry game. You're probably very interesting and all, but I'm choosing not to play you. Another thing - I'm currently experimenting with my porn addiction and I'm seeing a lot of potential in this new method. Basicaly, when the urge to watch porn is too hard to fall asleep, I'm gonna allow myself to jerk off quickly, without any fantasy. Maybe after three or six months of this (combined with a consistent effort to create a better life), the urges will become less frequent. I always thought I would have to deal with everything at once: porn, masturbation and fantasy, because any one of them would induce a chaser effect. I now think I was wrong, I'm gonna deal with the porn and fantasy first. Well, there, that's my update on, hmm, mostly porn. I'm mostly using this place for a general journal than one pertaining to gaming alone. It's pretty refreshing to come here every couple of days, without any compulsion to write daily.

20 days without gaming. Ummm, this weekend I went to the sea with 15 friends from my student association. Sleeping was hard and at times everything was boring or cold, but now I feel like a character from the Sims with his social bar filled up all the way. I've decided to do a 5am challenge starting Thursday, for 21 days. This makes sense, because I often have trouble falling asleep, and while falling asleep I'm vulnerable to porn fantasies. So if I wake up ridiculously early, it's gonna be a lot easier to fall asleep. Also, the morning light is much better for anything than the fake evening light. The sun currently rises at 6am, so at 5am it's gonna be visible already. That's my update. I don't think about gaming at all anymore. Oh, I also started to read a lot! I'm done with self-help, but who would have thought fiction can be that interesting?!

A perfect week. (Except for studying). Then I relapsed with porn, but only once, and that's a huge improvement. Thanks Cam for the support. A few days ago I suddenly felt this totally new thing concerning a book. Before I used to read as a chore, just to read, because I hear that's good for you. Sure, I only read the books that seemed interesting, but it was always hard to go through them. This time, I found myself looking at the book and actually thinking: I wonder what happens next. He was bought by this apparently nice guy, maybe it's gonna be better from now on. It was the first time since Harry Potter that I actually wanted to know what is going to happen. I already picked up a new book, and it's going very fast for me. I think I'm gonna go running tomorrow. I was inspired by a youtuber, especially this video. Since my new training program is incompatible with the idea of working out every day, I might as well put some cardio in there. Maybe even dancing if I find a partner soon.

You're not gonna believe it! It just finished my first ever short story! I've started many in the past, but it was always a chore after the first sentence. Now I finished, oh my god, I'm so happy! Especially that I finished it at 4am!

Again! On Tuesday I just thought: if I'm not gonna get to work anyway, it doesn't matter how I'm gonna be wasting the time. Which is true actually. And that means I have to get to work immediately! Starting tomorrow I'm getting back to work. I'm gonna do a workout session, then get to reading on cognitive science. Which is hard, very complicated and fascinating. I also have to plan my next weeks, because there's gonna be: Three tests: statiscics, globalization, cognitiveAn essay for sociology (hard, challenging)A small project for cognitiveAn essay for logic (would be great to have that out of my way as soon as possible, as this is gonna be easy as... not gaming)I also found a book on shame, which is exactly what I feel when I game. And maybe when I watch porn. And waste time in general. Here's the link: A book on shame, John Bradshaw

I gamed Tuesday through Friday. I went 49 days. I started writing a huge journal entry on that, but I don't think I'm gonna finish it. It was completely unsatisfactory until I found a game that let me lose myself. Then it got boring and I got another one, which was so frustrating and I felt this compulsion to win even though it was terrible. So I quit. I learned a lot. To summarize it: my life wasn't improving at all just because of the no gaming. When I finally quit last time, I had a perfect week. Lots of studying, clean room, training, stretching. Then one thing at a time I started to let go until I've been doing nothing but watching TV and fantasizing about games (reading DnD handbooks for example). The worst thing of course was porn, which I couldn't stop, then junk food, which I also couldn't stop. At the end, I decided not go go to classes, and as I had 5 free days after that, I chose to game. I felt shame, I wouldn't come here, to facebook, to reddit, wouldn't check email, because I didn't want to see the support groups and the real life. But the first two days I didn't feel too terrible compulsion, only later. After I quit, I cleaned my room, even went one day without junk-food. Of course quickly relapsed with porn, and relapsed hard. I was also sick, but now I just decided that I'm gonna stop being sick and be awesome instead. Stinson out.