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Question of the week: What are you grateful for?

BigOlBeartic

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Everything posted by BigOlBeartic

  1. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Hi everyone! It's my first day here. An intro to me: So, the habit started in junior high, and soon grew into an addiction. I didn't have friends and I relied on gaming to get me through the day. My grades weren't great, so as I went into high school I tried to get my grades up. I somehow graduated with a great gpa and full scholarships, even though I gamed, was in clubs, and drew as a hobby. I then went into a pre-med program for college. My head was kind of in the clouds, b/c it wasn't something I really wanted to do , but I just figured I would go along with it. As I started getting into the coursework and aroud the med field, I realized I didn't like it, and instead of taking a proactive step, I got swallowed up by gaming. I got really depressed and into self-harm. Well, 2 years went by that way. Many factors probably went into me feeling this way and relying on gaming, such as the fact that I was away from home, and external pressures to stay in a certain field of study. Anyway, I found the strength to start taking control of my life. I switched my major to something i like, started at a new university last year, and I'm doing by best to stop gaming. I got a part time job and also started volunteering and I'm joining a club soon. I'm finally also growing past my bad mentalities and gaining self confidence. I decided I would start to keep count of the days I go addiction free, and I wanted to join a community to help me along so here I am.
  2. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Day 36 Some stuff: I met with someone from class today to work on an assignment. I've made friends like these this semester, where we meet to work on stuff. This is a huge step up from where I used to be, to now having the courage to ask others if they want to study together. But i still struggle with feelings of loneliness. and i suppose, this will always be a challenge. and guess what, i actually do have some "real friends" too. but i feel very little connection with them and with the world. The intensity of these feelings is less than it used to be though, thanks in a big part to therapy.. However, they are still intense, just to a lesser degree. I guess I should just find consolation in the fact that i feel better than i used to... : / All I can do now is keep pushing. Keep pushing, and keep going.
  3. a place to live, fresh food, receiving an education at a good university
  4. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Day 35 Wow, im actually at my 8 am. Got my workout out of the way, set a new best for running.
  5. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Day 34 Thanks Taichi 🙂 Just got done with today's physical therapy appt. Made more progress with my legs. I haven't felt this good in a while. I notice hints of gaming urges creeping back in. The last time, I think I caved around day 45~ ish- around the halfway mark. Compared to back then, I understand myself much better. I know i'll finish this time.
  6. Looks like one of the roots of the issue you have with gaming is your social relationship situation. As you say you're "super frustrated sexually, socially", you have to do something about that other than turning to video games. Join a fitness class. Go to group art lessons. Enroll in night classes somewhere. Anyway, the point is get out there. Good luck.
  7. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Day 33 Studied all day yesterday, programmed 2h on my project 😄 Today I painted against my better judgement. I'm starting to see that I'm trying to juggle too many things, and during my last post I mentioned that I should probably stop drawing/painting during the semester. I think I'm going to try to stop altogether. Oh, this is my 5th day of exercising in a row 😄 Its part of my plan to get back into running. Anyhoo, game of thrones new episode is out now so i'm gonna go watch that 🙂
  8. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Day 31 Programmed about 3 hours yesterday for the side project, then 6h for class. SLeep was good : ) Slept just a little bit, and feel a lot better . Painted 4 hr at home. I think i'm going to have to follow one of my friend's lead on this aspect of my life - she doesn't draw/ paint during the semester.. 9 Days until final week!! Gonna study a ton to make sure I crush those exams. 🌤️ I met with a comp sci professor and discussed specialty fields of comp sci. Talked about robotics and bioinformatics. He is planning to connect me with the professor specializing in robotics, as well as his PhD student,, who interestingly has a bachelors and masters in unrelated fields. I'm excited for the future : D
  9. BigOlBeartic

    Journal

    🎵 🎶 great way to recover from a family trip : p
  10. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Day 30 Decent progress, I exercised today and yesterday. The solution i tried for the anxiety helped. I started wearing shorts and a thin shirt, helps me feel less stifled ( i usually wear jeans and full sleeve shirts + its really hot these days). I tried to get on a more normal sleeping schedule but.. I just don't think its for me. I feel like shit and there's so much I want to do during the day.. Btw, the first programming project is almost done! Hope to have it done tonight or tomorrow night! I'll post a link to it when I'm done. It's nothing revolutionary, but gotta start somewhere right? @taichi Thanks, I'm glad you like it :D!! I should have planned out the composition more for that, it didn't really turn out how I wanted xD but the rendering did turn out good : )
  11. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    That's awesome, your work is super professional! Good resume too. I think you'll go far in the art space. Edit: Actually, your work is pure badass xD
  12. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    @fireside awesome, well... i think I have an oval - faced shape and my bangs are a little past my eyes if I stretch them all the way. I part them on the left-ish side of my face if that makes sense. Any advice, or do you need a picture..? xD
  13. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Day 28 So awesome to see all the support on the journal, thanks so much guys!! Today, I woke up at 7:00 AM and got to my 8:00 AM course on time. I found something interesting. I've been functioning great these past two weeks - when i've been waking up later at 10:30 - 11ish. Through adjusting to an earlier schedule again, I notice my anxiety levels are very high... relative to when I was on more of a night schedule during the past weeks. So high, I'm having trouble functioning. The contrast to me at night is surprising. I actually have a suspicion that I experience this when i get more sleep... I have some ideas to help against the daytime anxiety, which I will put into action after class today and provide an update if they worked tomorrow. - - @ElectroNugget here's my deviantart! It was updated last in december I think. I was never really that active on it : < But, I'm thinking of making a new one, and it would be great to have an online drawing pal. I mostly do portraits so far, I enjoy them and they're easy to do xD https://www.deviantart.com/incai
  14. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Day 27 A bit late to class today. However, with the help of my parents (i know, thats terrible... that i need help to get up on time X_X) i got up on time and went to class and got them attendance points. I think i just cannot get myself to wake up in the proper time for some reason. However, I know my cousin is able to get up within 2 or 3 hours of sleeping. Then again, she went to law school, so maybe her body has adapted to nights like that. Anyhoo, yes, need to get my sleep schedule right. Time management -> sleep schedule. I hate that phrase "time management" though. It gets thrown around so much that i feel like it doesn't hold much weight.
  15. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    i'm proud to say i put in a good 7-8 hours today programming! working towards improving at my career. also, the new friends ive made are inspiring me to do more. especially one of the people i am working on a project with. (I am contributing to his project on github). Also, the premiere episode was great! 😄
  16. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    thanks so much! and thanks for being my journal friend 😄 i've been on here so long, the people i started with are no longer active so its very comforting to have someone to interact with, even a little.
  17. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    I FORGOT TO MENTION: GAME OF THRONES PREMIERE TONIGHT!!! 😄 final season leggo!!
  18. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Day 26 Almost a third of the way. I notice a lot of pent up energy / angry / frustration lately. Not sure how to deal with that. I think my emotions control me rather than the other way around. My big goal right now is still regulating my sleep. yesterday i slept at 3 am woke up at 11 AM. Yikes.
  19. BigOlBeartic

    Relapsed after completing my goal, back at it now

    new to your journal, so idk if you're in college or what stage you're in your life. I know its scary, and its probably going to be awkward if you don't socialize much. But you have to try for your sake. Saying hi or asking for help w work or some problem can be the start of a friendship.
  20. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Day 24 Friday. trying to get some painting done today. at least 2 hours. i spent too long on discord : x i got lunch w friends irl though. and studied w one during the afternoon.
  21. BigOlBeartic

    Relapsed after completing my goal, back at it now

    socialize once a day, that helps a lot
  22. BigOlBeartic

    Relapsed after completing my goal, back at it now

    yes, what electroNugget said 1000%. And you may end up being an inspiration to them, to make their lives better!
  23. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Day 21 Gud day. almost done with first programming project : ) next one is a webscraper in python. amazing therapy meeting today. made another new friend today, in compsci. we planned to go to a hackathon together in the future.
  24. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Day 20 studied an hour, programmed about 4 hours, drew 1 hour and felt good about it. still, I need better time management for sure.
  25. BigOlBeartic

    BigOlBeartic's Journal

    Day 19 Drawing yesterday felt iffy as always, but got a new instagram post out of it, live portrait of my friend. it was good af but emotional wise it stirred up negative ish emotions as always spent 8 hours this weekend on the programming project with discord bud, its going well.
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