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Everything posted by BigOlBeartic

  1. D-78 I've been figuring stuff out in my internship at a much better rate these days and it makes me so happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Boiiiii just recentlyf igured out some stored procedure in sql server along with a scalar valued function which made me so elated!
  2. D-70. 3rd week of my internship. I've gotten into a rhythm of programming after work as well, and i'm enjoying it a lot. Some old negative self-images still haunt me, although I'm trying to fight against that. The less i think about how I look leads to more work leads to me accomplishing more and feeling better. Its the eyebrow thing, i just need to remind myself- just trim the middle.
  3. @30_yrs_of_gaming exactly right! I've noticed a huge difference. I'm trying to clean up and organize other stuff too, mainly in the software area: organizing my files / mail / stuff like that. D46. Finals are over! I've been going on morning walks recently, which really help clear up my mind. Also went to the gym and got a cardio workout in with the stationary bike. Now that the semester is over, i'm focusing on bettering my programming skills again. By the way, mother's day is coming up! I'm looking through gifts right now. Make sure you show your mom some appreciation!
  4. Day 43 2 finals left. been trying to reduce phone time recently.
  5. I was invited to a friends house to study today, and accepted. The study session was productive, and we got to know each other better. I also was able to develop my social self a tiny bit more. Also, it was awesome to see somebody else's world. They live in an apartment, but the lighting is much better, the design is much better. and it just feels way more like home (than my own house!) because of these things. Also very clean, and just feels like peace. you can tell there is little tension in the air, if at all. Inspired me to clean up my room! and help my parents redesign the living room a bit, its a freakin hot mess. Also, even my own style - which is barely there. I'm inspired to clean that up a lot... i guess I stopped realizing the importance of representing yourself in a fresh way. And the importance of having an open , 'free feeling' , well designed space. on another note, another final tomorrow. got 2 out of the way today, and i'm sure i secured 2 A's.
  6. Day 41 Honestly, it was a good weekend! I reconnected with my parents, achieved a greater level of self understanding. Also, the new distance little bit of distance from friends did help me. I do feel it was a little unproductive weekend. Unlike the last 3,, which were some of my most productive.
  7. Day 38 I feel used, and extremely angry and bitter at the world today . There was a family fight yesterday night. + My friends only seem to contact me when they need help, but rarely help me, at least how i see it. I guess i'm just bad at making good friends. I went to sleep angry yesterday, which I regret. I feel like its just coming off me in waves. I read somewhere "make friends to complement you, not complete you". I think i'm going to distance myself from a lot of them. I think I'm too attached and care too much rn. Not a good day. Going to channel that into my exercise today.
  8. Day 37 Feel better. Today's my rest day from exercise. My stomachs been acting up, imma reduce my consumption of processed pickle jar thingy, along with other processed foods, and soft drinks.
  9. Day 36 Some stuff: I met with someone from class today to work on an assignment. I've made friends like these this semester, where we meet to work on stuff. This is a huge step up from where I used to be, to now having the courage to ask others if they want to study together. But i still struggle with feelings of loneliness. and i suppose, this will always be a challenge. and guess what, i actually do have some "real friends" too. but i feel very little connection with them and with the world. The intensity of these feelings is less than it used to be though, thanks in a big part to therapy.. However, they are still intense, just to a lesser degree. I guess I should just find consolation in the fact that i feel better than i used to... : / All I can do now is keep pushing. Keep pushing, and keep going.
  10. a place to live, fresh food, receiving an education at a good university
  11. Day 35 Wow, im actually at my 8 am. Got my workout out of the way, set a new best for running.
  12. Day 34 Thanks Taichi 🙂 Just got done with today's physical therapy appt. Made more progress with my legs. I haven't felt this good in a while. I notice hints of gaming urges creeping back in. The last time, I think I caved around day 45~ ish- around the halfway mark. Compared to back then, I understand myself much better. I know i'll finish this time.
  13. Looks like one of the roots of the issue you have with gaming is your social relationship situation. As you say you're "super frustrated sexually, socially", you have to do something about that other than turning to video games. Join a fitness class. Go to group art lessons. Enroll in night classes somewhere. Anyway, the point is get out there. Good luck.
  14. Day 33 Studied all day yesterday, programmed 2h on my project 😄 Today I painted against my better judgement. I'm starting to see that I'm trying to juggle too many things, and during my last post I mentioned that I should probably stop drawing/painting during the semester. I think I'm going to try to stop altogether. Oh, this is my 5th day of exercising in a row 😄 Its part of my plan to get back into running. Anyhoo, game of thrones new episode is out now so i'm gonna go watch that 🙂
  15. Day 31 Programmed about 3 hours yesterday for the side project, then 6h for class. SLeep was good : ) Slept just a little bit, and feel a lot better . Painted 4 hr at home. I think i'm going to have to follow one of my friend's lead on this aspect of my life - she doesn't draw/ paint during the semester.. 9 Days until final week!! Gonna study a ton to make sure I crush those exams. 🌤️ I met with a comp sci professor and discussed specialty fields of comp sci. Talked about robotics and bioinformatics. He is planning to connect me with the professor specializing in robotics, as well as his PhD student,, who interestingly has a bachelors and masters in unrelated fields. I'm excited for the future : D
  16. 🎵 🎶 great way to recover from a family trip : p
  17. Day 30 Decent progress, I exercised today and yesterday. The solution i tried for the anxiety helped. I started wearing shorts and a thin shirt, helps me feel less stifled ( i usually wear jeans and full sleeve shirts + its really hot these days). I tried to get on a more normal sleeping schedule but.. I just don't think its for me. I feel like shit and there's so much I want to do during the day.. Btw, the first programming project is almost done! Hope to have it done tonight or tomorrow night! I'll post a link to it when I'm done. It's nothing revolutionary, but gotta start somewhere right? @taichi Thanks, I'm glad you like it :D!! I should have planned out the composition more for that, it didn't really turn out how I wanted xD but the rendering did turn out good : )
  18. That's awesome, your work is super professional! Good resume too. I think you'll go far in the art space. Edit: Actually, your work is pure badass xD
  19. @fireside awesome, well... i think I have an oval - faced shape and my bangs are a little past my eyes if I stretch them all the way. I part them on the left-ish side of my face if that makes sense. Any advice, or do you need a picture..? xD
  20. Day 28 So awesome to see all the support on the journal, thanks so much guys!! Today, I woke up at 7:00 AM and got to my 8:00 AM course on time. I found something interesting. I've been functioning great these past two weeks - when i've been waking up later at 10:30 - 11ish. Through adjusting to an earlier schedule again, I notice my anxiety levels are very high... relative to when I was on more of a night schedule during the past weeks. So high, I'm having trouble functioning. The contrast to me at night is surprising. I actually have a suspicion that I experience this when i get more sleep... I have some ideas to help against the daytime anxiety, which I will put into action after class today and provide an update if they worked tomorrow. - - @ElectroNugget here's my deviantart! It was updated last in december I think. I was never really that active on it : < But, I'm thinking of making a new one, and it would be great to have an online drawing pal. I mostly do portraits so far, I enjoy them and they're easy to do xD https://www.deviantart.com/incai
  21. Day 27 A bit late to class today. However, with the help of my parents (i know, thats terrible... that i need help to get up on time X_X) i got up on time and went to class and got them attendance points. I think i just cannot get myself to wake up in the proper time for some reason. However, I know my cousin is able to get up within 2 or 3 hours of sleeping. Then again, she went to law school, so maybe her body has adapted to nights like that. Anyhoo, yes, need to get my sleep schedule right. Time management -> sleep schedule. I hate that phrase "time management" though. It gets thrown around so much that i feel like it doesn't hold much weight.
  22. i'm proud to say i put in a good 7-8 hours today programming! working towards improving at my career. also, the new friends ive made are inspiring me to do more. especially one of the people i am working on a project with. (I am contributing to his project on github). Also, the premiere episode was great! 😄
  23. thanks so much! and thanks for being my journal friend 😄 i've been on here so long, the people i started with are no longer active so its very comforting to have someone to interact with, even a little.
  25. Day 26 Almost a third of the way. I notice a lot of pent up energy / angry / frustration lately. Not sure how to deal with that. I think my emotions control me rather than the other way around. My big goal right now is still regulating my sleep. yesterday i slept at 3 am woke up at 11 AM. Yikes.
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