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DaBest

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  1. Overall, I followed through for the most part last night. At one point I went back on the internet and had no idea what I was doing. Pure instinct. Autopilot. It was weird. However, with all the extra time I saved, I worked out and went to bed at a reasonable hour. I've felt really off today. Didn't sleep well last night. Working from home today since I had some errands to do during lunch which was much closer to my apartment. Was pretty distracted for a lot of today and didn't feel super effective at work. It was a full day though. It wasn't close to how April was. I'll be back in the office tomorrow. Anxiety about work was a little high today. Not really billable right now. With the extra time I was refining some old work a bit more and caught some more errors. It all comes down to how I approached the information gathering. I'll do it differently next time. However, I can't beat myself up for the original mistakes. I'm happy I was able to get better supporting information which I can hopefully incorporate soon. I can tell my mind doesn't want to live in reality today. That's not good. I can get off the internet and force myself back into it. I have a lot of dishes to do from the cooking I did yesterday. I'm going to log off my computer and just do the dishes. If I have time, I'll workout some before bed. If I do this, this will be the third evening in a row where I mindfully stepped away from my computer. That seldom happens, but I'm focusing on it a lot more now. I'm grateful for: driving, anxiety, not completely losing it today, my office, people in general.
  2. Chin up, bud. You've made great strides this year. It's been an amazing thing to watch. You might not be able to fix everything right now, but you can, and have, fix some things. Keep doing what you're doing. 🙂
  3. Actually followed through on last night. Got some time away from the computer, spent that time meditating, and then falling asleep. I've been out and about today a bit, but I did spend a bit of time watching a football game today so I want to do the same thing as last night. Post here, and get off the computer, unless I do some studying for fluid mechanics. How do I want to finish off tonight? -Quick round of dishes and finish laundry. - Call home. -Workout/read/study. Maybe some meditation. Things I'm grateful for today: getting off the computer early, not going on my phone much when I woke up, getting up quick on a Sunday, beautiful weather, meditation, snacks.
  4. @TheNewMe2.0, it's all good. Thanks bud. Sorry to hear you were in a similar boat before. Seeing everyone online was better than nothing. I can be grateful for that. ---- Thursday's golf was a struggle. It was probably the worst I had played, but given that, I didn't explode or anything. It was a beautiful day though, and the guys I was playing with were chill. It's just going to take a lot more practice. I had a lesson on Friday, which was kind of meh. Coach is confused why I'm hitting random shots to the right, and why I can't manage a straight shot with anything more than a half swing. We are troubleshooting. One good thing that happened the past few days was despite feeling down on Thanksgiving, I sent a boatload of Happy Thanksgiving texts, which is rare for me. Even to some old friends. I can't always be expecting love and kindness--I should just give it more often. I was just happy that I was making others feel noticed and wanted, even if only a little bit. I want to drive home that mentality more. I have spent way too much time on the internet the past few days and could've put some of that time to myself. I just don't like the silence. I said I wouldn't go on my laptop at all today besides some errand stuff but I've been on it a bunch while I have been home. So for the rest of the night, I'm going to leave this OFF, except maybe to book a tee time after midnight, so I can snag the best times for next weekend. In place of going on the laptop, I'm going to put the time into improving my mental state by cleaning. I'm grateful for: awkward family Thanksgivings online, shanked golf shots, meditation, warm Novembers, gradual improvements.
  5. I'm pretty much over the golf thing. Next time we golf together (I've been granted a reprieve, thankfully), I'm going to tell the guy jokingly, but still seriously, to say "nice shot" on every swing. A) If he does, it makes it more meaningless. B) If he says it sometimes, whatever, I gave him permission. or C) He stops, and I won't be so fucking sensitive next time. Work was slow this week. My thing finished up. I've taken it upon myself to do some training on some software I didn't know how to use (which if I did, I would've been given more work). I'm also going to write a quick start training manual since the thing is kind of complicated and we don't have anything like that in our company. Even though I'm unbillable, at least I can still deliver something of value. I did also use some of the time and read an awesome facility design article in a trade journal written by someone in my company. I reached out to him and asked a few questions. I definitely want to be considered for those kinds of projects. I'll be alone this Thanksgiving thanks to a certain idiotic governor. My parents were going to drive here--just us three--but rules are strict about inter-state travel. I booked an impromptu round of golf tomorrow to fill the time. It's good practice to pressure test my swing. I will Zoom my family though over dinner. Fuck Covid. I'm still grateful for having my family, a job, that I'm not completely alone, that I'm getting out of bed quicker in the mornings, and that I'm slowly improving as a person.
  6. This weekend has been rough. Golf was not fun. I got irked at one of the people in my group almost immediately, who will say "nice shot" on pretty much all of my shots that either makes it behind a tree, or even on shots I've completely lost. It's out of ignorance--my swing looks nicer than is but it's harder to control because I hit a lot further, and is also way more inconsistent. I got angry when, after telling him to at least see where the ball fucking lands before saying it, he got pissy with me in response. I've told him multiple times and he just doesn't fucking get it. It happened a few times and I was tilted the whole fucking time. I still am a bit. The thing that got me so irked this time compared to the last was just the complete rejection of what I said. In reality, I still should keep my cool. After the round was over, I had a bit of a meltdown once I was away from everyone. I just drowned myself in the internet. Almost did so for the same all of today minus an errand. My anxiety is really fucking high right now, and it's in part for feeling like I'm going to lose yet another group of people in my life, and weekend work. Both those things make me feel alone. I'm going to turn this laptop off now. Open up my work laptop, and work.
  7. Was less of a dumb ass today. Got a good night's rest and felt way better. Did a solid day of work from home. I was getting distracted by a lot of texts, but once I realized it I curbed it. All in all, I need to finish up a deliverable this weekend, but it should only take me an hour or two. I will take care of that tomorrow. After work I had a golf lesson. My coach is going really above and beyond. He said he liked coaching me, and we went WAY over time. It's been helping a bit too. My swing is still very flawed but it's getting better and I am hitting more consistently I think. He also said he wanted to loan me a set of good clubs considering mine are all from a thrift store and WAY too short for me. Dude is really nice and cares. His attitude makes me want to work real hard and do well. I have nine holes with some old work buds lined up for tomorrow morning. I'm going to enjoy myself as much as possible. I am chasing the dragon a bit with the internet, so I'm just going to finish this and log off, do some dishes, and go to bed. I need to remind myself that just because it's after work, doesn't mean I have to be on the internet the whole time. I could have worked out. Incremental progress.
  8. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BUDDY!
  9. Was kind of a dumb ass today. Stayed up very late last night. Woke up late, and because of that decided to work from home. Ate poorly, wasn't supremely focused, etc., etc. I did put in a full work day though. Anxiety was very high as well. I'm turning off my computer now. I'll do some dishes and get back on track, or I'll just fall asleep. Even if it's only for a few minutes today. I'll be off my computer and doing the right things.
  10. I'm tired. Hung out with my buddy last night and it did get a bit late. As a result of that I slept in a bit, which meant I had to stay late at work, and overall I'm just tired. On the bright side, I know how fast I can sprint out of bed now. I felt distracted and stressed at work to the immensity of this list I've been drafting. I'm sure there's a bunch of stuff wrong with it and it's driving me nuts. I also need to pull a bunch of information and ask for a bunch of quotes tomorrow. Tomorrow might be a very late night. I know I've done this for a while too, but I feel a pull to go on the internet whenever I feel stressed and unconfident, which is often. I don't want to feel like this forever though, and I don't want this to hinder my performance and growth in my job and the rest of my life. It takes too much energy out of me when I feel this way. I need to keep pushing through these feelings though. The only way I'm going to become more confident is if I act and not spend time on the computer or phone. I also can't dwell on past mistakes and behavior and let it take up mental bandwidth. Going to bed at a reasonable hour now. Good night.
  11. Those are some good goals, though I do have to warn you, we (I'm American) are also corrupt, populist, and inefficient too! 😄 Maybe just not as much. If times get though when you are quitting, don't forget these goals. Quite obviously, spending too much time on the internet and gaming will hinder you performance at work and with your exercises. The more you remember this the better you will do long term. Keep up the good work!
  12. Good stuff, @dasvira! If you can get rid of those 4 things, you'll be in the top 1% of human performance already--so many are stuck in those traps. Besides getting away from all of these things, which are good goals, do you have any goals that you're moving towards? A job, better relationships, better health, etc.?
  13. Yeah, still pretty proud of last night, overall. Old golf buddy wanted to practice today, so I met up with him for a little while. We talked shit about my old employer. We hit bad golf shots. It was fun. Got groceries after, relaxed for a few, called home. Through a mix of procrastination and logic I decided to not work on the work stuff. I need to take care of me first. I'm going to do some dishes, meditate, workout, and go to bed. No more internet after this. Keep cutting down on the usage. Keep improving. I'm just happy I turned this weekend around.
  14. Lil' update. I actually followed through. Did dishes, laundry, unclogged a sink, cleaned my shower, installed a new shower curtain, updated two insurance policies, invited a golf buddy to the range tomorrow, and made some investments I was putting off (yes, I'm stupid). As a result of that, I now feel like a lot of the mental drag from those items are gone. I feel a little bit better about myself, especially since I really didn't give myself an excuse to stop. It was just attack this thing, then the next, and so on. If I give up, that doesn't happen and I don't grow. If I face it, I grow, and I feel better. Minimize self-pity and maximize action.
  15. @BooksandTrees, agreed on all counts. I'm just going to bust my ass for a while and not be an asshole. I've always told people, my first year in a new role I suck, the next year I'm ok, and the year after that I'm good. That said, last year I was apparently the best engineer in my department within a year. So...maybe even a bit of impostor syndrome. --- Woke up this morning. Went golfing. I actually procrastinated getting there, which was weird. I had a terrible practice session and realized I was only going to be able to hit one or two clubs all day, and not think about what I learned in last night's lesson (I'll practice that tomorrow). I was in a good group of people and had fun overall, even if my play kinda fell apart towards the end. The first couple of holes were absolute A+ holes by me though. I went to go practice for a bit immediately after and then I felt just an immense wave of loneliness and woe-is-me. I just felt alone and hopeless again. I went home and drowned out the pain a bit with some good 'ol internet (thank you, Masters). I'm feeling a little bit of overwhelm, and I realize it is causing the bit of irrationality before. It can be a little scary though when my thoughts go down such a dark path so quick. I just have to wait through it some times. I have a good couple of hours before I need to go to bed. So instead of wallowing for the whole day, I'm going to be productive and really get my apartment in order tonight while listening to some fun music. I'm grateful for: realizing I was being stupid, not letting it blow up my whole day, nice weather, incremental improvement.
  16. Hey man. It's hard. I felt like you did today in a way. You do have a long ways to go. Emphasis on long. This is not a short journey. One relapse does not mean you are a lost cause. On the contrary, by "relapsing" it means that you are trying to not game, which before you started not trying to game, you were just gaming. That in and of itself is an improvement. Let me ask you this: is there anything you can do right now that is so simple and easy, that it would be a tiny step in the right direction? Do you need to do dishes, throw out trash, pay a bill? Do it. It doesn't have to be more than 5 minutes. Heck, you don't even have to finish it. Just do the smallest amount you can. You are now one step ahead of where you would of been if you didn't. Rinse and repeat. Become a champ. For real though, I find when I go off the deep end, sometimes taking a small and intentional step in the right direction is enough to get me moving again. Stay strong. We have your back!
  17. Well shit got rough. Yesterday I got a request from my boss's boss to help on a massive project and basically develop a list of 1000+ pieces of equipment that would be needed to build a new facility, basically by Monday. And 80% of it is with stuff I am not familiar with. So much for that change. It didn't hit me hard yesterday, but it did today when I decided to work from home. Resentment, fear, anger, insecurity. This then led into lonliness, despair, woe-is-me, and nihilism very quikckly. It was particuarly high driving to and from my golf lesson in the evening. I felt so alone and so hopeless. Like I couldn't do anything right and that I wasn't worthy of love. Or some BS like that. This is obviously irrational and mostly in part due to my anxiety going from 0 to 100 in no time at all. If I gave up a long time ago, I wouldn't be where I am today, which I'm honestly not super happy with, but it is still light years away from where I was before and I CANNOT forget that. That is my life jacket. If it weren't for the incremental improvements I've made over time, I wouldn't have overcome as much as I have. If I'm also really that sick and tired from being lonely. I need to keep reaching out to people and bringing them into my life. I am also going to have to learn to live more in the present and continue being grateful. If I am going to get better at this job, I am going to not have to panic at day 1. If the workloads are always this stupid, I can go tell them to fuck right off and do something else. The first year will suck. I will have to put some extra time towards it. Simple. For tonight, I'm going to meditate for a little and go to bed. Golf tomorrow. No more work tonight. Worry about that after golf. I'm grateful for: journaling, moments of clarity, golf, moments of being tested, being able to draw on past shitty experiences for strength, my golf coach.
  18. Hey @BornAgain40, good job on not relapsing and also props to you for pursuing that career change. The best thing about programming is you can just keep creating regardless of your resources, and since there is a huge open-source community on the internet, you still have ways to build a portfolio even if the job offers don't come in right away. Keep moving forward though. Something that's really key in your recovery is understanding why you game, smoke, etc. Is there anything that cues you to want to game or makes you feel like you want to game? You don't have to share if you don't want, but once you figure that out, you can devise ways to either meet your needs differently and in a healthier manner. Just a thought if you haven't considered it yet.
  19. Thanks @TheNewMe2.0. Moving does suck doesn't it? I have moved probably seven times in the past ten years and it's exactly because of that I don't like to buy that much stuff. Stuff is just a hassle. --- Day 2 at work down, one step closer to design work. I was learning about some of the projects my company is involved with right now, and all I can say is that I was wowed and really excited. They also had way more projects in one particular field than I was expecting--and this was kind of the field I wanted to get a Ph.D. in a while back. I was legitimately excited to be an engineer. I hadn't really felt that in my old job. My motivation to workout has been stronger recently. I realize that I really want to get serious about getting a girlfriend and that I really should sort out the physical issues I have as well. Overall, me wanting to, and finally asking that girl out has kind of lit an evolutionary fire under my ass. It feels...right. And it probably is, especially given that I've spent a long time ignoring issues. Other wins from today: getting up early, being focused at work, not spending as much time on the internet--even at work, enjoying a walk on a beautiful day, dealing with issues quicker.
  20. Welcome @Mr. Ém! I second what @Commissarsaid, having an app that blocks those recommended videos makes it MUCH easier to reduce YouTube time. It makes it just slightly harder to go into a binge, which is sometimes just enough. I downloaded something similar, DF Tube (Distraction Free), and that worked really well for me. Another thing to keep in mind is that for the most part habits stick with us forever, or for a very long time. Oftentimes too, the habit fills a need that your brain is craving. You can try and fight the cravings for the basic needs your brain has, but that can take a lot of time and effort. Another thing you can do is try to replace the habit with something healthier, but still fulfills whatever that core need is. As a personal example, I spend a lot of time on YouTube and the internet in general, myself. I tend to go on for much longer when I'm tired or lonely, and YouTube gives me this kind of low-grade stimulation to keep me awake or numb. Realizing I need either sleep or connection, I'll sometimes just turn my laptop off for 5 minutes and do nothing. If I'm tired, I fall asleep, and when I wake up I don't have the same urge to just go back on my computer. If I'm lonely, I will either a) text someone, or b) do something productive and improve myself, which makes me feel better about me, and doesn't make me feel as lonely. The key is to really understand what's driving you to use YouTube the way you do, and make a plan on how you are going subvert it.
  21. Interesting day. First day at the new place. Man that place was EMPTY. It was an almost completely deserted office building, which was also much bigger than the place I used to work. No real need to have people on-site for the most part since it's just an office with no process equipment. I did get to meet a few people in person though, which was good. Also, it's going to be a few weeks before I get any real work, so I'll just work on myself during that time. Aaaaaaand, I DID ask that girl out once I got home from work. I was initially elated, then tempered my reaction when I got "It's definitely not a no, but I'm about ready to move right now and things are crazy." Considering this was by far the hottest woman I've ever asked out--and one where I had no idea about their interest levels prior--I was just happy I did it. I can read between the lines a little bit and got the sense that they were a) surprised, and b) a bit hesitant. Nonetheless, I'm going to ask again in a bit once she finishes moving--I'll just take her at her word. Until I get a no, I don't fucking care. And if I get a no, I'll move on, because there's a bunch of other good women out there. I'm just proud I showed some real balls for once. It's been a while. Good times. Take the wins where you can. Improve and iterate.
  22. Fair, fair @BooksandTrees and @Ikar. I know I was being irrational there. Honestly, I can't complain. The fact that I'm doing this and actually planning more events is a big step forward for me. There will be hiccups along the way. --- Rest of the weekend was one of the more relaxed and least filled with pre-Monday anxiety. Damn it feels good. Kept the home relatively clean this weekend and slept nearly 11 hours last night. I put my money where my mouth was and turned my laptop off a little early and fell straight asleep on my couch. My energy is pretty low still. I am going to have to start really focusing on mental and physical health at the same time. Saturday itself was gorgeous. Hit the driving range and somehow opened a massive blister on my right hand. Started hitting my 3-iron well and then got really mentally tight and struggled for the rest of the session. That carried into today and I couldn't hit my 3-iron anything but right. Mental block. 7-iron and wedge was fine, and my chipping and putting improved as well. I was starting to get annoyed by all the slicing though. Whatever, I'll keep practicing. Had some small wins today and I should enjoy them. I did feel irrationally lonely on my way home. I talked myself out of it. Tomorrow is my first day of new work and I'll be asking out the woman from my old workplace. Got to go to bed now. Peace.
  23. Welcome, @WhoCares. Congrats on the first steps. You CAN start over so many times. I've been on this train for 5 years now. Last year I finally got to an 11 month streak without games, now I'm at 7 months (thanks Covid). But it's never about the streak length that you're on at a given moment. Let's say you relapse 5 times in a year - 1 month, 2 months, 6 months, 1 month, and 2 months. You might say, "Damn, I relapsed 5 times. How terrible!" Or you look at it differently, "Instead of gaming 365/365 days in the year, I only gamed in 360/365 days in the year--a 98.6% reduction--and made a bunch of awesome changes in my life!" If I gave up, I'd still be working at a pizzeria while living with my parents making $12k a year like I did when I started my journal. Now, I have a sweet engineering gig I'm starting on Monday. Wouldn't have happened had I not kept trying. It hurts to start over because it means we missed our goal. But as long as we always learn and improve, the journey becomes more important than the goal. Good luck!
  24. That's great news! Congrats! I hope the next labs go well too!
  25. I fell asleep, and woke up 10 hours later. Good. I'm going to do this again, but this time not on the couch. Day went well enough I guess. I finished the mega report. 16 pages single spaced. My old team is going to hate me for leaving. Was a little offput today about some responses to my proposal for a golf outing to my normal group I go with. It was a less than stellar response. Not going to lie I feel a bit down about it, and it makes me feel unworthy in a way. It makes me feel like a kid when my friends would ultimately always leave me in the end. However, writing this down now, I can see how this is irrational. I'm not a kid. I can't control others. I never know the whole story. I still have people around me. I still have worth. Anyway, computer off shortly. Tomorrow's gonna be weird.
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