DaBest

Haha, we're in the same boat then. I got a therapist around when that time happened, and it was the best decision I ever made. I can't tell you how many times I came to realize something by just talking out loud during a session, or having him call me out on my bs. It's been really useful to tease out thought patterns and cognitive biases that keep me stuck in the negative thought loops. Also, therapy can be a lot of work and you might not get to the mushy crying stuff or the deeper understanding of yourself right way. And if it's really not working, you can always try going to another therapist since not all therapists are good therapists. I think if you keep at the journal, and keep with the therapy, you will make big strides long term. Congrats on making it to week two!

It's all good bro. This is the crappy, dark time of year anyway. One step at a time.

Day went ok. Woke up late, but still got my meditation in and got in at a reasonable time. I had a horrible night's sleep last night. Nightmares all night long. Ever since I started meditating I've been remembering a lot more of my dreams and they are 90% nightmares or just negative and stressful. Usually, I remember none, and I always wrote that off to not getting enough sleep. Well, maybe it's because I don't want to remember them since they kinda suck. I got through the job deliverable I said I was. I did have to stay a little late, but not much. It's not perfect, but it's good enough for a quick review, another round of edits, and off to the client on time. Overall, with the little time I had, I think I did an admirable job. I could've gotten done sooner today if it weren't for lots of little phone grabs throughout the day. It usually happens once an hour when I get up to take a 5 minute break--kind of like a pomodoro for you productivity hackers out there. Tomorrow I'm going to focus more on either walking, stretching, meditating, or reading something fun when I take those breaks. Going to try and get to bed a smidge earlier tonight. Peace.

No problem, bro. It's an easier path to walk with others, which is I think the main reason why I'm still around--and the fact that I spend way too much time on the internet. I want to pay back the support I got from others, and dealing with 20 years of unrecognized depression is going to take a bit of work :/ You know what, I'll give Seven Pounds a watch. I like movies like that, where it takes you out of your own self-absorbed existence and reminds you that there are much bigger things to focus on. And geez, I don't know how you developed that kind of cold tolerance, but you sir, are an absolute animal!

Welcome @Stev1989PL! I like how you add photos to your entries. It's fun. Yeah, withdrawals can be a pain, and like you said, some of it is just the emptiness that's there now that you've sworn off what used to be a major part of your life. I completely lost my mind when I did it properly after I started up my journal again, and I realized I absolutely 100% needed a therapist because there were many things wrong in my life that I was neglecting. The good news is that as you use your time for better things, you'll start feeling better about everything and less depressed. Just don't forget to celebrate the small victories along the way, and no matter what, just keep trying until you figure out what works for you!

@A New Man, thanks for the advice. I've been doing a bit of that recently, but honestly the esports was just a lapse in judgment and too much free time. I used to train bjj before my hips gave out...man I loved it so much. If I had been able to keep with that all my problems would be fixed and I probably wouldn't be here, lol. --- Another mixed bag day. Good: -Got a lot of sleep. -Meditated TWICE. -Went to gym and did active recovery instead of sitting on my ass. -Made a care package for the troops as part of a MLK Day of Service thing my company hosted. I took care of this relatively early today, and being that I had an irrational amount of anxiety about this, I'm happy. Basically didn't procrastinate with this, which is great. -Did 3 loads of laundry. -Did 2 loads of dishes. -Didn't really go on Twitter all too much. -YouTube stuff was almost exclusively focused on working out. I did not watch any esports today. -About to get off my laptop relatively early. Areas to Improve: -I didn't work at all and I really should've. I did get up a little late today so I could stay up a little later if I really wanted, but we will see. -I didn't study for my exam like I had hoped. -I'm avoiding some stuff besides the top two things. -I'm basically avoiding stuff, and generally speaking the hardest stuff. One thing I don't think would be smart is to stay up late at the start of a work week. That's always a really dumb move. I can always work late tomorrow, and still get to bed at a reasonable time. If that happens, tomorrow can be a full rest day from the gym. What would help set me up well for the week is if I took care of some of the smaller items I've been avoiding and continued to clean up my house. Set myself up for the best start to the week. This weekend could've been handled better, but it also could've been handled much worse. It was better than average, so I'll be content for now. Look to improve next weekend.

Look at all this good stuff here! @championeal: sure thing. Don't journal on your bed. If you fall asleep journaling at a desk or table, then you should have been in bed in the first place 😄. Also, like @Pochatok mentioned, you can push up the journaling time a few hours. I sometimes like to journal when I realize I'm going off the rails and about to go back into a lot of bad habits. Morning journaling can be good too if you have the time. And don't worry I'm beating the crap out of OLD me. He had it coming! For real though, I'm just obsessed with improving and getting back up if I fail. Every step I improve, is one step closer to the goal of a better life, and one step further away from my own personal hell. @TheNewMe2.0: making more money is a culmination of habits, and not just a job, really. You're already in the process of doing that with all the stuff you have given up that isn't healthy for you. You'll never know if you can make it unless you try, but the good news is with every client session, you can hone your skills and craft, and then your chances of starting a successful private practice would go up. And to boot, you are already taking great steps by trying to get your hours up and trying to get a good supervisor that will support you. It's just going to take time and effort. --- Today was another mixed bag. I was up late last night because I was being stupid. That will not happen tonight. I fell asleep on my couch too, which was the first in a while. I started the day hanging out online with a friend. Being online so early isn't great, but I need to jump on social opportunities. Usually, we meet at night my time, so this isn't normally a big deal. Afterwards I went to the driving range, and MURDERED EVERY SINGLE BALL AND IT WAS AWESOME! For real, I just had the intention of fixing one mechanical thing and just trying to hit certain kinds of shots at max speed, and the scary part was I was hitting it much straighter than normal. Then, when I hit a few (10?) shots at a normal speed, just controlling for direction and shape, it was SO MUCH EASIER! Everything my coach had said before kind of clicked, and so now I can just mash the ball since I'm a tall and lanky dude, so I basically use my arms and club like a bullwhip. I was sweating, panting, and giggling with how absurdly farther I was hitting the ball, even compared to my max hits at the past. I added about 30 yards on my 7-iron this weekend, and now I can hit it straight. HOLY MOLY. A lot of my problems were fixed. I still have a tendency to push/fade, and I still can slice the ball, but it isn't nearly every shot anymore. I know this means nothing to anyone, but I busted my ass for this over 6 months and I'm figuring it out. I CAN FIX STUFF! After that, I went to the gym for a leg workout because I'm a masochist (my poor back.) I started with squats which were fine, but then I noticed some olympic-style plates and I decided to deadlift for the first time in two+ years. Light weights for both because I'm out of shape, but I was gassed. I stopped deadlifting earlier than I wanted since my back was getting so tired, especially after torquing the heck out of it just two hours prior. Let's see if I can get out of bed in the morning. What didn't go so well was watching more esports. Just a few hours (it could've been worse), but I think I have it out of my system now. I'm procrastinating on work a bit. I need to work tomorrow a bit even though I have MLK day off, and it will be good for my mental health too since I will have less time to sit on my computer. Anyway, I'm going to meditate for a bit, go to bed at a reasonable hour, and make tomorrow a really productive day.

Thanks, @Pochatok! I'm glad you can find some value in it. I keep posting because it holds me accountable, and I want to get better--and if someone resonates with it and it helps them, even if it's one person, it's worth it. I've effectively stopped gaming a long time ago, and I maybe only cave in and actually game once a year or so now (usually for 16+ hours...) The problem is that once the gaming stopped, the addiction and attention went elsewhere. YouTube, porn, Twitter--it doesn't matter. I still am dealing with many of the same issues I did 5 years ago, only now they're better because I've kept trying, I have slightly better social skills, and I make a lot more money. I don't care how long it takes. All I care is I can beat the crap out of yesterday's version of me, every single day. --- Today was a mixed bag. Got up early after getting a ton of sleep. Legs recovered SO much. However, I started going on my phone early. However, I still made it to the gym and crushed a good workout. Later I made it to the golf course (before I stiffened up), and practiced and had a really good session. I'm really starting to understand what's wrong in my swing and I'm figuring out how to fix it, correctly. A lot of the stuff my old coach was telling me makes sense now, and I'm crushing the ball way more often, and hitting it straighter. I actually saw my coach there today, and I said hi, and told him the good news. He seemed pretty excited too. Honestly, it was just great running into someone I knew randomly. I like moments like that. Afterwards, I got to the grocery store a day early. Got some stuff for braised beef, which I'm about to demolish. The downside is that while this was going on I was watchling LoL esports, which I haven't done in a while. Today I reverted back to old habits a bit. because I lost track of my purpose, and perhaps because I was REALLY worn out after yesterday. I had my day to mess around. Tomorrow, it's back to work. I'm going to enjoy my beef, meditate a bit, go to bed, and kick tomorrow's ass.

Really tired today. Long day at work. Had a lunch with a vendor which took a while, but it was nice, because being social and stuff even though he just wants my money, haha. Damn near got spun out by some idiot on the highway on the way there, so because I'm in one piece, today was pretty damn good. I was really motivated during some points of the day but as the afternoon rolled around, I was dragging my feet a lot. Better than last week though, by a mile. Got home and I'm basically dead. I'm going to sleep early and I'll go to the gym early. Next week I need to keep my sleep in better check. It wasn't that bad this week but the last half was suboptimal, especially now that I'm working out again. Also, got to continue cutting back on the internet usage. Did okay with that this week.

Sorry to hear that the Abilify stopped working so fast. If you google student loan consolidation, there's a bunch of banks that do stuff like that. Probably the best thing would be to talk to your bank first and see if they can offer something to you that makes sense. By the way so I can clear myself legally, I am NOT a financial advisor in any way, and everything I talk about you need to vet for yourself. Plus, you know your financial situation better than I do.

Up-and-down day. Woke up late but still went into work. Less mental anguish compared to yesterday. I did a decent job not reaching for my phone. What a stupid habit... Went golfing after work and felt my back tweak slightly, and I got really depressed for a little bit. I've had so many injuries that have kept me from being active throughout my life, and it's just so disappointing and isolating every time. I eventually got myself together, and finished hitting the rest of the balls, just hitting lightly since it was only when I was swinging hard that was causing the issue. I worked on some other stuff. Glad I got through it. I've pretty much been on the computer since I got home. I'm going to get off now so I can not stay up all night. I know this is mundane as hell, but it's how I keep myself accountable.

Awww, I made it into your grateful list! Thanks bud, I'm grateful for you too. And that's good news with the Abilify! Hope it works. I don't know how long you've been out of college but there's two things that might help you cut into that if you haven't looked yet. I don't know if your loans are federal (generally lower rates) or private (generally higher rates) loans but 1) you can re-finance or consolidate your loans to a lower interest rate potentially. That could potentially save you thousands of dollars as you pay off the loans depending on how much debt is outstanding and what the interest rates on your current loans are. If the interest rates on your loans are really high (6+ %), there's a better chance of this working out. 2) If they are federal loans and you are out of college for 10 years and meet certain employment requirements, you can apply to get the loans cancelled, and you wouldn't have to pay a dime. Just some food for thought.

Keep at it, dude. Who knows? Maybe now it's your time to get off it for good. Rooting for you.

Good day, quick post. Work went well enough. Boss-boss was happy with some work I did. I was still stressed to the gills today though from something else I was working on because I had to look at some things I made mistakes on in the past. Thankfully, I got through the day thanks to noticing what was going on. Spoke about this with my therapist today. We talked about a bunch of things, including not feeling like a good man. I could be doing a lot better in a lot of things. Even though I'm almost 30 I still feel like I'm becoming an adult. I can't beat myself up too much though, I'm happy I'm actually on this journey since I could still be gaming and not trying to get better. Was going to hang out with my buddy online tonight. He didn't answer. I went to the gym and had my best leg workout in a year (I'll be broken tomorrow). Called him up after the workout and surprisingly he got up. It was good chatting with him. Anyway, bed time.

In order to own stock of any company or REIT you need to open account with a brokerage, which is a company that buys and sells stocks/bonds/etc. for its clients (please stop me if you know any of this already). There are a bunch out there: Etrade, Scottrade, your bank probably offers a brokerage account too, and one that's particularly popular right now since they don't have any fees (double-check me on this) is Robinhood. Each has different fee structures, so it is important to review how much it costs for use and if there are any minimum requirements. I'm pretty darn sure Robinhood doesn't even have a minimum balance requirement (unless your account holds a negative balance if you decide to do dumb and risky stuff I won't even talk about--then they come to you asking for money). The caveat with Robinhood is that trades don't get executed necessarily at the best market prices--i.e., a share is selling for $50, but since their service can be slow, your order gets filled after the price moves higher, i.e., to $51. It doesn't sound like much but it can add up in the long run, but if you are short on money to fund the account, it might be a good option. As far as discerning whether REITs are good or not, I couldn't tell you any tips or tricks. I don't own REITs since I don't really have an interest in real estate and I understand other sectors of the economy much better than real estate. There are probably loads of books and resources online that can help to guide you in the right direction, but remember, there are NO guarantees in the stock market. NONE. There are also lots of resources online that let you practice investing and trading for free. It's called paper trading. You buy and sell stocks with fake money, and see how you do. It can be a great way to get started with NO RISK while learning the ropes. In fact, I highly recommend you try that. I kinda forgot about this to be honest. As far as mortgages go, depending on your agreement with the bank, I think you can even put down lower on a home. The downside is if your down payment is less than 20% you pay additional penalties until you have paid up to 20% of the equity of the property. You can Google it, but there are equations which determine how much your monthly payments would be based on the amount outstanding, the length of the loan, and the interest rate. Mortgage rates depend on your location and credit quality, I wouldn't have any idea what they'd quote you at. Hope this helps.

Ok. Good day. Went to bed earlier last night. Got up earlier today. More meditation. More focus at work. Less garbage consumed, both food and internet. I also stayed two hours extra today at work just working on my development. I set up a big development plan for this year, which I never did before since I never saw how any of the things I was truly interested in were going to actually help me in my job. It's way better working on that compared to going on the internet for "fun," which today is going to be much less than normal. Downside is that it got so late I couldn't fit in a workout at the gym. I might do something quick at home. Maybe I can squeeze something in before therapy tomorrow. Plan for the rest of the night: 1) Dishes 2) Mini-workout 3) Meditate/read/bed earlier than last night.

First off, fleas are freaking nasty. Ughhhhhh. They really need to fix that. That's so gross. There's no such thing as a guaranteed average return with any stock, REIT, etc. I just did a quick Google search and found several different real estate market indicies with varying annual growth rates. Your return is going to depend a lot on the property held in the fund, and the surrounding market, amongst other factors. You will have to do due diligence in investing in any of those, as with any investment. It's about as safe as other real estate investments, meaning your safety comes from the understanding of how it works, and whether or not you valued it correctly. My rule of thumb is, before I invest in anything, I have to be really good at explaining how that company makes it's money, and what are the key things that will help or hurt them in the future. And then after that, it has to be a sound investment that should ideally stand out past it's competitors in some way. You can also diversify your investments across several different stocks/REITs/funds/whatever, which will make it less likely to have one company take out your whole savings should they go bankrupt or something. Seriously, do your research before getting into any of these things. Don't be like one of those Robinhooder's that just blindly buy and sell stuff.

Muay thay? Mad respect--you dudes are tough as nails. You honestly have a pretty awesome list of stuff. Cooking is great. If you really wanted to get into it you could start hosting dinner parties or start a YouTube channel. As far as guitar is concerned, if you're really interested, it's definitely something you can learn solo. My cousin is entirely self-taught, there are tons of pros that are entirely self-taught, and I kinda self-taught myself before I gave up on barre chords (maybe I could've used a lesson, lol). There's lots of good resources on the internet, and I'm sure there are people on Fiverr or something like that that offer personalized cheap lessons, if you really wanted to. Good stuff, keep it going!

Back. Was rather dumb last week. I worked from home way too much, which made it so easy for me to get into bad habits. I was nearly losing my mind by midweek. Add on a couple of late nights and I couldn't function. I went to work after lunch on Thursday, which was really needed. Friday I worked from home again because I was tired, but went to a real freaking happy-hour with a buddy from my old workplace. It was the first time I had done that in a YEAR. It felt so good, and even more important, it was another social gathering. Win. Saturday and Sunday I didn't get anywhere near as much done as I would've liked, though I did finally go golfing with one of the people from last week who had to bail. Another win. I actually went into work today, which helped me stay more focused. My anxiety was starting to jump up a bit at times, but overall I did a good job of getting through it. I felt more competent, which helped to calm those feelings. Funny how that works... I also got my gym membership re-upped today. I'm very excited to get back to the gym and spend less time at home. I was talking to the owner about Covid a bit, since there are capacity restrictions and I was wondering when I shouldn't go, simply because it's cold and I don't want to wait outside. He said they had no outbreaks traced back to them the whole time. It's what I expected but good news nonetheless. I was sad though since the place was so empty, unlike before. Neverthless, I'm happy since that will be another thing to do away from the computer. Logging off early. Another win.

Hey, I love investing. I've always been interested in finance since I was a kid. It was all about numbers and I love math. You can still invest without hundreds of thousands of dollars. Heck you can even invest in real estate for far less. There are things called REITs (real estate investment trusts) which are traded like stocks but are basically shares in real estate. I'd highly recommend you read the following: The Intelligent Investor, by Benjamin Graham, who was one of Warren Buffett's mentors. This talks about investing in general and gives very sensible advice for newbie investors. It can be a bit dry at times though, but the advice is so solid. Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki. This is more pop-finance than anything, but the mindsets that Kiyosaki talks about are good to incorporate. Mr. Money Mustache, by some dude whose name I forgot (it's a blog, it's there somewhere). Not for everyone, but this guy talks about bare-bones living and trying to retire ridiculously early. For those who want that, more power to them, but some of the mindsets of saving, investing, and not spending is just plain good personal finance advice.

Yeah, filling free time with meaningful activities really helps. Here's a few things I've tried over time. Ideally, they are social and can be done any day: - Brazilian jiu-jitsu (had to stop because of annoying injuries from before I had started)--easily my favorite. -Working out -Golf -Cooking (not social, but it can take up as much time as you want) -Salsa dancing -Meditation -Reading What kind of things are you interested in @Notusingrealname?

Quick post: I'll recap what happened after my last post later, but things got a bit worse before they got better. I am doing better now. Quick goal list for today: 1) No more Twitter or YouTube for today. 2) Before golfing, just finish hygiene and go. 3) Come home, eat, then go to gym. 4) Clean up house. 5) Read/study for a little bit 6) Reach out to people via text/use dating apps/find social events for tomorrow, if possible.

I'm kinda really losing my mind today. I'm super on edge. Tired, frustrated, have more work still, head feels like it wants to explode. I'm super tired from yesterday and I think it's messing with me a bit. I'm also frustrated at myself for being so needy for my computer and stuff. I've been doing the best I can to meditate and journal and keep moving forward. I started out working from home today, but I actually went in after lunch. All things considered, I'm really proud of doing that because not going would've made today much worse. I keep catching little mistakes that I've lost track of and I'm just frustrated with myself. I need to do better, not just at work but in a lot of things. Just ignore this post, I'm venting a bit. Going back to work in a sec.

@BooksandTrees, agreed. I did manage to speak to the guy today during an impromptu meeting, and I have something set up for tomorrow morning with him too. I can bring it up in a professional manner. I don't think it was intentional on his part. His main role is bringing business into the company and keeping everyone employed, so I'll see if I can get my point across, understanding that I don't necessarily need more of his time, just some more brief guidance here and there. And to @TheNewMe2.0 as well, yeah they are really tuned for highly attractive people without commitment, but at least it gives something to strive for. More reasons to better myself. --- Today was a bit of a wash, it's late, but thanks to all the stuff going on in DC, my neuroticism and flight-or-fight kicked into high-gear. I'm grateful it wasn't worse, though still not happy at all with what happened. I'm really not happy with a lot of things my country does, on both sides. I'm not the only one either. And that's about as political as I want to get with this journal. It did affect the last bit of work I had today so I need to put in a good effort tomorrow. I also, MUST go into work tomorrow. I literally had my stuff in the car after lunch, but for really dumb and boring reasons, I didn't go today. I'm fired up to do better right now. I left a lot on the table today. Oh, and I calmed down a bunch after the walk last night. Got some of the other stuff done too. It was a good save at the end of the day.

@Ikar, @TheNewMe2.0: Yeah, I'm not too worried about the flaking to be honest since I'm pretty used to it. All things considered I'd be rather okay setting up all this stuff, having some events end up being great despite flakes, in comparison to the past, where I wasn't setting up anything at all. Can't get flaked on if you don't ask 😄. On a serious note though, I will keep searching for better friends, but I'll also keep trying to be a better friend myself so these flakes happen less often. And yeah, I will make it a point of getting better photos especially as things warm up, and I will get better with online dating in general. I've neglected it too much in the past. --- Early post since I'm starting to go off the rails. I'm honestly a bit tilted from living on an island at work. It's like the polar opposite of my old job. I really need some feedback from the person who is running my project, but honestly they are just ignoring me. Some of it is to be expected since they are rather high up on the food chain at my company, and I'm several rungs below. Personally, I'd like to have someone just one rung above mine handing me the work so I know I can get more consistent work and more consistent lines of communication going. I'm anxious since I have no idea what I'm really supposed to be doing right now. I got one two-sentence chat message from the guy the other day, promising we'd talk today, but that was it and it never happened. I'll reach out tomorrow. Also worked from home again today since I was still repaying that sleep debt from Sunday, so I am a little cooped up too. Really, all I want to do right now is just numb myself with dumb shit on the internet. Goals for tonight: 1) Dishes 2) Go outside for a quick walk 3) Respond to dating apps. 4) Workout a little 5) Read 6) In bed early, maybe a little meditation.