DaBest

Day 5 Yesterday was ok. I made it to the bar and called home. I did not do dishes because I rationalized it was just a plate, fork, and knife, which is silly in retrospect. I did not do laundry because honestly I just forgot. I ended up going to bed at midnight (my day off was today). To be honest, I got really complacent these last 24 hours, and in the last 8 hours, I've been in a bit of a shame spiral watching video game videos (...not even playing). I'm going to break out of it now. I say I'll read one hour of news, which then becomes an hour of sports news, which becomes several hours of other stuff. And so on and so forth. Today probably happened as a result of being really stressed out and wanting to check out from reality. It's in the past now though, I still have a few hours left today and I can get at least something accomplished. This is not an excuse and is something that I will need to deal with better in the future. For all the things I cut out of my internet usage, cutting the internet out entirely is totally infeasible in this day and age, and it's a bit weird too. It's discipline and habit that I need to keep developing, and I need to keep trying after every time I slip. At this point in time, I feel like I'm trying to be an alcoholic bartender, as close as humanly possible to my vice without partaking. In the future, I will likely keep scaling back what I use the internet for as I finally start getting the hang of this. I need to remember that these mistakes ultimately keep me from my goal from being not lonely, which bring me to making my mistakes. There are a lot of vicious cycles in my life, but every time I break them,they have a little less hold on me. I will keep going. Tonight's goals: After reading a couple of posts on Game Quitters and getting a recipe I need copied, all electronics are done for the night. Dishes Laundry Sleep by 9

Day 3 Ran errands, check. Dishes, check (15 minutes because of cooking, would've been quicker otherwise). No sound during dinner, check. I am happy I got all my goals accomplished, and I have a very good chance of being in bed at 9. I did a decent job on moderating my Internet usage today. The only two issues I had were I kinda fudged my rules a bit when I came home for lunch, and doing the dishes. I decided to go on my phone while still in my car (technically okay) but I wasn't really thinking straight as I stayed on as I opened my door and went in my home. 30 seconds in I realized what I was doing and stopped. In addition, I listened to music while doing the dishes to "take the edge" off of doing them. I don't know why I'm so avoidant to doing dishes. It's weird, I know. For now, I'm okay with using the music as a crutch if I need to, as the benefits outweigh the costs, and having a clean home will make me more likely to stay off the Internet since my stress will be lower. I also didn't get to much thought into why the silence of dinner bothers me so much. I ate pretty quickly since I wasn't distracted. Tomorrow's goals: 1) Bar. 2) Call home. 3) Laundry and dishes. Edit: P.S.: Tomorrow, (or whenever my next post is) I want to think more about how this feels way more like moderation than quitting, for me, and my thoughts on that. Currently, it makes me feel weird.

Thanks Cam, and challenge accepted. I actually usually do time myself for whatever reason and every day of pileup is about 15 minutes each. Granted...that's pileup. Today I had leftovers, so no cooking, and it took me much less time. I can probably get in the 5-10 minutes a day range pretty easy if I stay on top of it. I've tried cooking for the week in the past and I'm just not a fan. Though I am considering investing in more cookware to up my max load of food from 2-2.5 days worth to 4-5 days worth. That would be a nice balance for me. --- Day 2 Dishes, check. Ironing, check. Bar, postponed again. Bed time, 9:30 (vs goal of 9:00). I got out of work at 5 today for the first time in forever, but the skies decided to open up, and since I was planning on walking because I wasn't planning on staying too long and I didn't want to drink and drive, I took a as-near-as-literal-can-get raincheck. So I'll try again Monday. On the Internet front, followed my "coming home" habit of reading first, but I ended up watching some MMA I was excited about during my dinner/dishes/ironing and then followed it up with some news for a grand total of 3 out of 4 hours I have when I get home. I was a bit tired from work and I just got a craving because of dinner. Dinner for me, growing up was almost always together with a family, if I weren't feuding with them. Now dinner is silent, and the silence is deafening. There's a part of me that feels really alone during dinners now, and I ease the pain with the easiest means available. That leaves me two choices: 1) Become not lonely anymore...working on it. 2) Grin and bear it...might work in the short term, but ignores the larger issues that could be solved with 1). But maybe 2) could be a positive if I lean into it a bit and deal with the discomfort on an emotional level in the moment. I'll give it a try tomorrow. Tomorrow's goals: 1) Two errands 2) Dishes 3) No sound during dinner.

This is so true! And I find it funny that by changing one of those seems to push the other in a similar direction. And I do like the two minute rule you mentioned. I'll have to expand that to the fifteen minute rule since I cook a lot though --- Day 1 Two goals good, one missed. I went to the gym this morning after cooking a French-style omelette today, I was happy about this for two reasons: 1) I have been overcooking all my omelettes for the longest time, and the texture and appearance were much nicer, and 2) the gym gave me a slow burn of energy throughout the day. Considering I got a full 8 hours of sleep last night without an alarm clock (but missing my bedtime by 15 minutes b/c of writing the prior post...a significant improvement), the gym was actually energizing, where usually for me it isn't. So that's something good to keep in mind: full sleep + gym = energy = mood = health = getting stuff done. Also, I ended up talking to someone there who I crossed paths with at the grocery store and I talked to my neighbor, too. For my social-starved life, I cherish these small interactions. I also made it to the library today, but I got there a bit later then I planned. It was still nice though. I like reading, but if I have the opportunity to do it in a public space, I'd rather do that since my apartment has been wearing on me recently. Because I got there late, I ended up cooking late and not being able to make it to the bars before having to start setting up for work the next couple of days. This was the big goal for today, so I'm a little bit bummed, but quite honestly it was just a small mistake and I can go tomorrow if I leave work on time. And on the Internet front, I went over my limit, but I did not use Reddit today. As a result, my excess usage was much lower than normal. Tomorrow's goals: 1) Bar? 2) Dishes 3) Iron shirts

Day 0 (Again) I finally got my nap today...a whole 12 hours straight. My sleep habits are less than ideal, and really mess with my work performance, where I need every ounce of energy and focus I can muster. Tonight though I'm set to be in bed on time for the first time all month. If I continue this tomorrow, I will feel very good when I go back to work Saturday. When I'm tired, I struggle to do much of anything when I come home. There have been times where I will simply close and lock my door, take off my shoes, lie down on the floor and wake up three hours later. As a result of this, dishes pile up and get stinky, trash piles up and gets stinky, bathrooms don't get cleaned...and well, you get the picture. My apartment cycles between super-clean and wtf-is-this depending on how much work I've had. This gets me super-depressed and drains more energy from me, and really hurts my internal monologue. When I finally do get my apartment clean, like today, it unclutters my mind and makes me happy. Basically, I need to get more sleep. Though I can't keep expecting myself to do anything once I get home after 11-13 hours of work if I am on 5 hours of sleep or less, maybe if I can get more sleep I can muster up the energy to do at least the bare minimum when I get home. That would be good. --- I spent today, going overboard, but not all-out-binge on the Internet only by the grace of cleaning my apartment. I spent most of that time on Reddit and whatever content I found there. For me, Reddit is a connection to the world that I crave desperately at times, like when I'm in my apartment. I could make excuses for why I don't leave my apartment but I'm not since I don't utilize all the opportunities that I have available. Once I do, then I'll complain I need to start utilizing my time better to get outside of my apartment, the gym and the library can account for four hours a day, and grabbing a beer at a bar can be another hour. Getting rid of Reddit is fine, but I'm going to need to replace what it was filling if I want it to stick. Goals for tomorrow: 1) Go to gym after breakfast. 2) Go to library after lunch. 3) Finally check out the bar down the street for happy hour.

HI Cam! Thanks! In regards to quitting Reddit, I think I could do it. It would be painful. But I could do it. In regards to getting sleep, on I go. Had to get in early today to work. Stayed late for a special social gathering. Tomorrow's goal: a nap. No seriously, a nap.

Holy moly, it's been a while. Congrats to Cam and Game Quitters for the great growth since I've been gone! Keep up the good work. Life has been a bit overwhelming recently since getting the new job. A lot of growing up has been required, and I'm still struggling with it, but hopefully improving in some ways. Work tires me out like no other, usually 12-13 hours a day when I'm on, most of that on my feet. By the time I get home all I want to do is go on Reddit and the internet. It doesn't help that when I make mistakes at work, due to the need for high quality and due to my generally negative internal monologue, it stresses me out to no end. This effects my performance at work and makes me numb myself and use all of my worst habits. At home, I'm pretty damn lonely. First and foremost, my social life revolves mostly around work people, which isn't a good thing. As an adult, I like to think I'd have the social skills to develop a group of friends outside of that, but my effort and skills have been lacking. Really, the past couple of months have been a few steps forward in some places and a few steps back here and there. I think it's kind of funny though that I was so stressed out about my self-worth before because I had a minimum wage job, and now that I am doing much better than that now, I'm still feeling those same feelings, just in a different way. Regardless, I do feel better though. My internet usage has experienced a lot of yoyoing recently. Some days I can go without entirely. Other days i'll be on for 16 hours and not leave my apartment. One thing that I've been relatively consistent with recently has been implementing a habit where everytime I enter my house or after I wake up in the morning (and don't leave), I must do one of a list of recreational things that does not include any electronic entertainment. My favorite is reading a non-techical "dumb" book. I've gone through so many books as of late because of this, which is great. I've been pretty consistent with this too as it's pretty easy to keep so long as the thing is actually entertaining, and I enjoy it since it teaches my brain there are other ways to relax. I worry though that I am still numbing my feelings and thoughts with those actions. Really, my internet compulsion is from the fact that I feel extreme shame about myself some days. I have been working on the trauma related to that after reading Neil Strauss's The Truth (highly recommend, by the way), which is really hard and has been fruitful at times, but there is only so much I can go against two decades of mental programming before I feel absolutely exhausted. I know this is a lot of mental vomit on a page right now. It's a vent post, and low-effort, but I'm really trying to get back into the game of getting rid of these seriously bad habits. I miss Game Quitters. I want to grow, and this community is full of like-minded, growth-oriented people that I wish i could have in my life, in person. Anyway, I'm glad to be back! Tomorrow's goal: Minimum one sentence post on quitting Reddit after I finish my "home-entry" habit.

Day 64 Quickie post since it's getting late. I think I'm screentime abuse-free today. It's close, I didn't catch the start of my news window but I think it was around a hour. Volunteering after work was a help with that, but I still need dinner I posted some little vision notes on a couple of the doors in my apartment as careful reminders in places where I usually will forget my vision. Note to self: take these down before people come over, and put them back up afterwards. My place doesn't need to seem to be like someone's uber-motivational Instagram. Also put some time to developing my list of skills I can pursue. Did not yet decide on one, as I realized I should really talk to the couple of the people where I work to see what's needed. Keep up the good work, y'all. Peace.

Day 63 Not dead again! I finally have Internet access again! I really don't feel like posting via my phone for two reasons: 1) typing a post on my phone would really destroy my thumbs, and 2) I totally blew through my data plan while waiting for the Internet to get hooked up in my apartment I want to keep this short and sweet so I can get a full night's sleep, which is kind of important, since at my new job I can quite literally kill someone if I mess up. No pressure. I really am enjoying the new job though. Not really in the thick of things yet, but I will be soon. I am much prouder of myself, now that I think of it. My self-talk over the past two weeks have been much more positive. With regards to the screenwatching, the lack of Internet and TV (no cable in my apartment by design) did not stop me recently from bingeing. I have been making the same old excuses time and time again. The biggest issue so far (and I actually have not been tracking ANYTHING over these past two weeks) is probably the news still. Like I mentioned in the last post, political stuff is big right now so I'm all over that. Tomorrow is a reset of my news habit though, so hopefully that will go better. Tomorrow, I also want to put up vision signs in my apartment everywhere I go so I can get in the habit of constantly thinking about it. I do think part of my lapse recently was achieving that short-term vision and kind of forgetting about the next steps. I know it's stupid I keep coming back here and admitting I keep making the same mistakes, but fuck it, it's the truth. I will get better cause I want to. And tomorrow I also want to figure out what the most valuable skills are for my job that I can develop and put some time towards that skill.

Day 51 Very busy, want to check in. Not dead. Moving has been a real pain in the butt. I'm running all over like a maniac. Job starts Monday. I've also fallen a bit off the wagon. I'm hoping this quick post will get me back on the right track. Political news has really roped me in recently from all the stuff going on in America. I need to figure a way to better deal with this, especially as the news is only going to get more and more intense over the next few months. I just need to remember that it is 99% entertainment and I can't keep pretending I'm a shut-in 10-year-old who relies on staying inside watching TV to stay preoccupied. I'm an adult now, and I need to do things or suffer the consequences. Tomorrow I just need to finish packing

Day 44 Well, last night marked day EIGHT clean this month. Tonight, would be nine if I can hold true. Today has been interesting. I got up, went to work, came home, worked some more, yet I feel like I still haven't gotten enough done. I've been focusing on my paperwork I need to get filed to finalize my offer, but I haven't started any housing search today. I did use my news hour, which was really most of the only break I've had today, so it's not like I just messed around all day. Maybe I need to cut back further O_O. Too early to make a decision on that. Also interestingly enough, I find that I usually will use to the last second of my time reading news once I've started. It's always one more link, then another, then another, then another, until 20 tabs are open and I motor through them. I feel like I almost am just condensing my issue, like I'm not getting at the source of this. It's nice as I'm not doing this for 12 hours a day like I did wasting away this summer, but it doesn't feel...right. Clearly I have some stuff to meditate on for tomorrow. OH, and also I brought my book with me today for my break at work! I finally remembered! I read all of 2 pages in between texting and answering emails. It was nice though, as for a brief moment it got me thinking about practicing excellence, versus whatever random thing I'd be thinking about at the time.

Hey, @Laney! Yeah, screen time has been a tricky battle to fight. I've found that when I cut something out in one area--for example, back after my LoL relapse this summer--I find I have the tendency to move that to something else--in the same example, political news. It's a weird, kind of persistent issue. And believe me, while my parents don't really know about this, you bet they're happy I'm moving out, which is definitely a factor of this! --- Day 43 I finished yesterday clean. That is day SEVEN this month. My record in a month is 9, but 4 of those days I was on vacation, and another 2 I was perpetually drinking with friends --doesn't really feel like 9. Today I am also clean. It was not easy as I was tired. The best thing I did was go to the gym. However, because I went to the gym and then used my news window, I haven't really gotten much work done at home. I'm thinking about just going to bed early and setting myself up better for tomorrow. I was upset with myself today for staying up late last night as it affected my performance at work today, and at my new job there is zero room for screwups, so I must get adequate sleep every day. This is a feeling of guilt, and not shame, and I will definitely do better. On the bright side though, despite my urges today, I realized the intensity of them and was proud for overcoming them. Every urge I overcome makes a stronger neural pathway in the positive direction. Overall, a disciplined day. I'm happy with it.

Thanks, @SpiNips! --- Day 42 I am so close to being clean of screentime abuses for today. I just need to go to bed. Not sure if I'm skyping with a friend soon though, which is the last thing I'd have to worry about. I've had urges throughout the day but I headed them off by listening to a podcast, going out of the house, and working. I believe it also helped I got a full 11 hours of sleep last night I have not yet read my book to head off urges today. I kept it very much in mind though today, and it helped me side-step all the urges with better actions. Yeah, pretty disciplined today for the most part. Just want to keep working hard tomorrow, find a home.

@Cam Adair Well there was no dancing, but I did do a lot of fist pumping. I woohooed so loud the person on the other end of the call hung up briefly, lol. I totally agree with you though. Even with my measly odd job, I felt immensely better for having taken it. Additionally, it REALLY helped me in my interview, which was very ironic. There were a lot of parallels between the two jobs even though the industries are completely unrelated. --- Day 41 Responsible me went to bed last night at 1. Good job, me. However, I had to wake up at 6:45 today because there was significant risk my house would flood. Thankfully it didn't, but there was a whole couple of hours of moving up EVERYTHING out of the basement, shoveling tons of snow, and then putting everything BACK DOWN into the basement when it was clear the biggest threat had past. I'm wiped, but I feel good since I really pushed myself to help my folks as much as possible. This has happened before, but I'm usually away when it does happen. I wanted to take some responsibility and help my family and make it easy for them. That said, I got a great full body workout today. In the middle of this I did break my news window. I kept screen entertainment to less than 2 hours though and before my 10 PM curfew, so the damage is minimal. Especially since today racked up fewer abuses than my monthly average so far, this is a victory. I was very tired and did not feel like reading, which I planned to do to overcome the urges. Fortunately, I had sort of a "vision/goal remembering" again, and put a decent amount of time into figuring out the housing market of where I'm moving to. I need to get this done ASAP. At one point I was lying down after dinner and thought, "Am I being responsible right now?", realized I wasn't, and then proceeded to search. Not a very difficult task, true, but I feel proud I spent the time doing it on a Saturday night. To improve tomorrow, I'll be aiming again for zero screentime abuses, so what I'll do tonight is meditate, write, and focus on "News urge=read a book." That way, tomorrow I will have this more on my mind and decrease my chances of slipping up.

@Cam Adair, damn that's hilarious! Definitely represents how I felt, and currently feel because... --- Day 40 I GOT THE JOB! I feel so relieved and affirmed. Being un/underemployed for so long is just the worst. I am also very grateful for this opportunity. I cannot fuck this up. I must make it my absolute imperative to make the most out of this I can. This job specifically requires I have a huge amount of personal accountability, responsibility, and integrity. I must leave my old life behind, no longer can I be a man child. Now, it's all on me to act the adult. I will do this. I have to, it's not even a want to. I'm very excited, if not a little bit scared. My ego fears change. But I want to change, so that's what matters most. Tomorrow, I'm likely going to be snowed in. I am aiming for zero internet abuses tomorrow. Over the past few days, I've been breaking my news window. Just little bits during breaks and whatnot. I need to be busy tomorrow and avoid this. I need to be improving tomorrow. So let me be responsible and go to bed early on a Friday for a change! --- And a big thank you to GameQuitters for helping me back to the straight and narrow path over the past 40 days. I do feel that my overall discipline has improved since the start and that really turned out big, especially over the last few days. I wasn't perfect, but I prepared better than I would've in the past. I'm nowhere near where I want to be in terms of my discipline yet, but with your help I know I'll get there!

Day 37 I DID IT. I DID NOT BREAK MY NEWS WINDOW TODAY. BOOMSHAKALAKA. I feel relieved. Maybe I can start stringing these days together. Let's hope. Overall today has gone very well. I did not bring my book to work today, so instead of reading news, I read a long article in a personal development blog, that dealt with news consumption. Actually, I didn't search out this particular topic, it was just the most recent post. I was very happy for reading it though. It laid down the thesis that 90% of the news we consume is really just entertainment and doesn't have much day-to-day use. Some of the points in the article were good, others I found myself disagreeing with a bit but would have to mull over, but I took the concept of "news=entertainment" home with me today. Literally. I made a semi-mantra out of it on my car ride home today. As a result, when I got home, I had a snack and dinner, read a chapter of Resilience, and afterwards I WORKED. I kept the news to 40 minutes of my hour long window. I feel pretty good right now about that. That is more of the person I want to be. Hard-working and responsible. And speaking of responsibility, that was what the chapter was about. It was quite pertinent as recently I have been thinking about my lack of personal responsibility. I am in my situation by decisions all of my own. Thankfully, I am learning from the bad decisions and learning how important responsibility is, having seen the consequences of a lack thereof. In addition, there was one part where they discussed that excuses are really life-crushing in a way, as you just can't live a full life with excuses. By taking excuses, we are permanently fixed and at the mercy of our surroundings. This is nice for the ego, as one doesn't need to challenge whether or not they have been living up to their full potential. It is my hope that I will take less excuses in the future and take more action to better my situation, even at risk of failure. That is part of the image of myself I'd like to embody.

@Cam Adair Thanks! With any luck, this will help me embody the role of a worker in a technical role, haha! --- Day 36 Today has been hard. Like recently, I have had huge news cravings. I've been failing early in the day, which I then proceed to go "Ah f--- it." and just keep going throughout the day. I've been doing this in my car when I get to work early. Instead, tomorrow I will bring my book with me, and I will read from that. Today I avoided going straight to the news once I got home...I took a nap, haha. Today at work was exhausting and frustrating. I needed the nap. I did get my 3 hours of work in today. At first I did some after dinner. Then I got distracted for a couple of hours watching TV. THANKFULLY, I turned it off at 11 once I remembered my vision...funny how that works. I basically asked myself, "How am I going to do great things by not working right now and watching TV?" I knew I had to finish that 3 hour commitment. I've actually done this pattern several times before, without breaking out of it, and watching TV til 1 or 2 even on a worknight. This is the first time that I can remember that even at this late hour I was compelled to work another 90 minutes. I was also very happy I recognized my laziness and did away with it. And I did it without having to pump myself up by writing it down first! Tomorrow I must get ready to travel for my interview and continue to prepare for the interview itself. However, my MAIN GOAL FOR TOMORROW is to just avoid the news until my news window. That's it. I need to start rewiring that neural pathway/habit via practice. No gimmies. In short, some small victories today. I'm savoring it.

Day 35 Overall semi-productive Sunday. I'm ok with it. Lots of odds and ends done today. In the future I'd like to get these things done faster. I kept with the acting my ideal self today. I kind of went in and out of it a bit--also, now that I think of it, it must be hard for method actors to stay in character 24/7. It paid off with a limited amount of outside news (some warranted for volunteering, some not) and with me going to the gym. Part of my ideal self is to simply be a better man than I am now, which includes going to the gym and taking better care of my health. It was the first time back since the summer, when I had a bit of a medical emergency. I could've gotten back much sooner, so that's why today's visit was a victory. Tonight I want to study up on the history of the company I'm interviewing with. Tomorrow, I want to review technical literature related to the job itself. I ABSOLUTELY have to do this. I want to spend at least 3 hours doing so. I will do so tomorrow from 6-9. Again, I am making this public for accountability.

Day 34 It's late so I'll keep it quick. Today was productive. I woke up not too late. Cold shower. Got the letter and resume sent early. Did some political volunteering I'd been reluctant to do for months. Picked up a shift for someone at work (and had a good heart-to-heart with someone who I think appreciated it). Came home. Ate burger. Kinda vegged a bit before finally deciding to write this. Once again today I broke my political news boundaries. Admittedly, when I did it in the morning it was okay because it was important to make sure I was informed and up-to-date on everything, but at night it was after my window and I had no excuse. I rationalized it with "Oh I was working during my window." That is unacceptable and I will try to be cognizant of it in the future. However, I am not beating myself up over this. I also read a bit more from my book, and one of the ideas I came across was literally playing the role of someone I wanted to be. The idea was that by even acting out the role that you want to be, you will actually DO the stuff that your ideal self does, and it will actually feel fun. The idea is that you might not have the corresponding feelings that go with the actions, but over time it will come into being. Normally, people feel that feelings precede actions, which is true. However, actions can precede feelings as well. I gave this a whirl pretending to be confident, not taking any lies from myself, good talking with strangers, and disciplined. When I was focusing on acting the role, I kept to it and it was true, it was FUN. It was motivating as it was also a glimpse of who I could be. Obviously when I got home I wasn't thinking about this and I obviously reverted back. I will try this again tomorrow. This could be a great tool in practicing my virtues.

Hey Paul, welcome to GameQuitters! I wish I was your age when I quit! I'm 23 now and I would love having all that time back. I really empathize with your bullying situation man. When I was 13, I got bullied so bad that I had to switch schools. I was probably the second most hated/bullied person in my grade, and I was really happy I wasn't the first. Thankfully, when I switched I had a clean slate, only a few kids new me and my past, but they didn't care. I was able to make some friends and I felt normal for once. This was a very important feeling for me and my move into the daylight. I hope you have this experience at some point. So, if this gives you hope, here's three points I'd like to leave with you: 1) I don't know you. But I'm gonna assume you're just another normal dude. Other people might not treat you like it, but you are. Their words are nothing and hold no water, Now, at the same time, it's true...everyone IS different. Kids pick up on this like crazy and have really overblown responses to those differences. I think it might be an evolutionary thing honestly (I have no science to back it up). Adults do pick up on differences in others, but adults really care far less about that stuff (generally speaking) and can handle their response far better. Trust me, as people grow up they will stop treating you quite as bad as you are now. It's a rite of passage of sorts. So take heart, you'll get through it. 2) Anger is a really powerful emotion and you need to be careful of your usage with it. I have messed this up myself, as an adult. Coming off as angry or edgy all the time will keep people away and make it hard for people who are close to want to stay close. You may have some allies who are staying back because of this perception, and it is very important for your sanity to have these allies in your "camp." Hence, having an outburst really should be a last resort. 3) This might be the most important: do not let your bullies get a response out of you, that is their lifeblood. I realized this was the main reason I was bullied when I was a kid. I was hypersensitive and could not take a fucking joke. This was what kept my bullies coming back for more and more. Granted, there were other factors in my life that led me to be hypersensitive at the time, but if I had kept my cool and made it really boring or even uncool for bullies to harass me, I would've saved myself a lot of pain and suffering. I am quite sure that when you give an outburst, this just gets your bullies all excited to try all new ways to get under your skin. By no means am I telling you to cower, ignore them, and not stand up for yourself--please stand up for yourself!--but keep your calm and always try to be a step ahead of your bullies. Also, your bullies also probably feel really bad about themselves too and are just projecting their emotions onto you. Have compassion. Good luck, Paul. You got this. (And I know you weren't asking for advice or anything, so I'm sorry if this feels a bit unwarranted. This stuff just really hits me hard. Totally cool if you wish to ignore it. )

Thank you very much guys. @kortheo Yeah, it's true. When I beat myself up it puts me so much farther from who I want to be as a person. Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day, and today was better. I'll heed your advice--in reality, I've only been practicing discipline for a month, so I'm bound to mess up. It happens. And so it goes. Also, your sig is badass. Truth. @Cam Adair Yeah, it's definitely vulnerable. If someone else resonates with what I'm going through and if it helps them, then that would make me very happy. Ultimately, this journal is for me, but it is as much for others too. Actually, I read an article from Brain Pickings the other day (I forgot what the exact premise of the article) and at one point the article talked about John Steinbeck's journal when he wrote The Grapes of Wrath. Just from reading some of the quotes of the journal, I thought, "Woah, John Steinbeck sounds like me." He really struggled with putting himself to the work, and also questioning the quality of his work (which won a Nobel Prize, haha). Now, I'm thinking about going to my library and seeing if they have a copy. So yeah, thanks John, your book was one of my all time favorites AND it provides me a model to pull myself out of where I am now. Props. And who knows, maybe one day I'll get famous and I'll turn these posts into a book and rake in $$$$$. And I'll stop avoiding the forum, even if it's past my use time. If I NEED to use it past 11, I'm gonna use it past 11. It's worth it. I get it now. --- Day 33 Another mixed bag day. Best news: I got an in-person interview scheduled! I really want this to work! Meh news: I didn't do much when I got home from work-work. I got some stuff done, but none of it was really job hunt or personal development stuff. Fake email productivity. Discipline was meh today. One of the things I've been beating myself up over the past few days is how woefully productive I am once I'm home. The way I see it, I get home at 5-5:30. I have 6-7 hours to do stuff, and I feel like I accomplish so little given that time. This guilt, in turn, drives me from working, which then makes me feel worse. YAY, another vicious cycle identified! Time to crush it! And on a side note I really need to do a time audit... In addition, I notice my "vision remembering" throughout the day has been up and down this week. Some days it's been really good, but to no effect. Others it's just low, which doesn't help anything. Writing that makes me think about my goals though. So that's good. So overall, today I exhibited low self-discipline. I did get a cold shower in this morning on reduced sleep, which is something I never do, to help train me with this. Also, I will be in bed shortly after 12 on a Friday night. This too is discipline for me. Tomorrow morning I have one goal: write and edit a new cover letter to send out by noon for another phone interview upcoming. That's it. Alright, now I'm gonna read some posts and peace for the night.

Very interesting. There is the FOMO commonality just at opposite ends of the day. Hopefully I can switch that around. --- Day 32 Past couple of days have been a mixed bag. Sorry I haven't updated. Met up with some friends, went to work, and had an impromptu phone interview which seemingly went well. Unfortunately, I've gone off on a bit of a binge since the day I met up with my friends. Not only did I effectively relapse in my recovery effort from electronics (in general), but also in NoFap too. I was approximately 125ish days in. I got complacent. I got overwhelmed. I think I started beating myself up a bit, especially over my work habits. I wanted to tune out. I tune out to numb myself. Whether I use gaming, the Internet, sports, political news, music, whatever...it doesn't matter. The effect is the same and for the same intent. I've been reading Eric Greitens's Resilience and have been reminded of Aristotle and the concept that virtues are a practice and are developed and that feeling doesn't need to precede action; it can be the other way around. Furthermore (and I'm paraphrasing a bit here), there's the ancient concept that a virtuous life was considered necessary to live "the good life." I am practicing my virtues, and failing. I will get up again though, and I will do better. It's a fact, I know it will happen. It is happening. I've been charting my NoFap and StopScreenNumbness journeys on spreadsheets and the numbers are reassuring. In NoFap there is a solid downward trendline with an R^2=.5. So yeah, I slipped up there the other day, but I did a really good job in the 4 months up to that point. In addition, with this journey, I have halved my internet abuses from July (R^2~0.85), and had month-over-month decreases in abuses in every month but December. I also started this month with 5 clean days within the first week. It usually takes me a whole month to have five clean days. Some of my slip up might have simply been a yo-yoing of sorts. To be honest, it felt painful at times, and my old tendencies just kept calling. They will die with time though, and my virtues will flourish. I can get through this. I will get through this. I control myself and my future. Or as my fortune cookie said the other day, I shit you not, "Only you can change your life. No one can do it for you." Pertinent. So yeah, I get it fortune cookie, YOU WIN. I'll play by your rules and I will find a way.

Day 26 I want to start with a question I find interesting. Does anyone else feel stressed about going to bed early? Last night I went to bed at 12 AM, which for me is relatively early. If I go to bed any earlier I will feel lots of stress unless I have something to do early the next day (i.e., travel, appointment, etc.). It's almost like a fear of missing out. On what I don't know, since I'm living at home right now and nothing is really going on. Even when I'm very tried I will stay up for no apparent reason. Anyway, I'm wiped out. I've been at work for 6 days straight, and my work is relatively physical in nature, so I'm just worn out. Thankfully, this did not influence me to commit any screentime abuses last night. A total of 8 over 7 days now. I did not get much work done when I got home, though I got some purely administrative stuff done, much like today. I did put the sticky note on my phone this morning, and I have been more mindful of my goal throughout the day. For example, I did not sit in bed for long this morning, like I often do. So far today I have not committed any screentime abuses, though I used up more entertainment time early. I have only 30 minutes to read news now. I am also feeling very lazy because I am tired. Once I go off Game Quitters, I just want to spend 5 minutes doing hard job hunt work. I'll see if that gets me going anywhere. If not, at least I can say today was not a zero day. Anyway, yeah, not feeling very introspective today. Maybe tomorrow!

This is a good question. To be honest, the numerical grade for me was never an issue: 95 in high school, graduated 3.6/4 in engineering for undergrad, even better for graduate. Do I feel like I have a 95% or 3.6 understanding? No. I feel like a lot of my learning was crammed; not studied with supreme intent and integrated. This was because I was very undisciplined and unfocused. During high school I spent countless hours playing video games, going on the Internet, and watching TV. College I spent more time on just the Internet and YouTube. Had I not been goofing off the way I was, I honestly feel that I would have spent at least a minor portion of that time to focusing on my work and producing a better product, while probably saving a bit of time over the long run due to having better recall. I also feel like this stuff just fries my brain and sends it haywire. Focusing after binges is very hard. When I was a kid, I was laser-focused and I could mop up information like a sponge. Now I feel frazzled and forgetful. It's kind of sad really. I feel like some of that focus is coming back, but very very slowly. That said, I've always thought that if I applied myself slightly more in high school , I'd be looking at a 99-100 average, and in college I'd be looking at a 3.7-3.8. Also, I'm not sure anyone really noticed this except my mother, who would get furious at my procrastination if she caught me working on a project at 3 AM the morning of a deadline. Even then, my grades were good enough that she would never had considered limiting any of these things.

Day 25 Well, unfortunately I ended up with 3 screentime abuses yesterday, all occurring after my post. At the end of my news window, there was a long interview that I wanted to listen to. It was news, but I said that if I used that as my "podcast" for the night--as most of the podcasts I listen to are interviews--there honestly wasn't much difference. However, I watched another video before I watched the interview and I still listened to a podcast. So 1 abuse for post 10 PM curfew breaking, 1 abuse for breaking the news curfew, and 1 bonus abuse. I'm at a total of 8 over 6 days, which is fantastic. At this point in a given month, I'm usually around 30-50. I think part of it was again not frequently reminding myself of my mission and goals. When I've done it with more consistency recently, I end up being more focused and more immune to reverting back to my old ways. If I had considered how I was spending my time last night, there was a good chance I would've stopped myself before committing my three abuses. To try and remedy this, I've just written a sticky note to put on my phone (my alarm clock) in the morning with my mission on it. If this works, the first thing I will do every morning will be reminding myself of my mission, which should put me on a slightly better direction for the rest of the day! Tonight I just want to read my book for a bit and get to work. Not much is new.