DaBest

Yo! I'm ok. Not dead. Sent you a message.

Past couple of days have been up and down. I've been staying up too late, often turning off my blockers briefly to go research bouldering techniques since I'm still really new and want to improve. I go rock climbing pretty late as it's open way later than the normal gym, so if I get out of work late, I just go rock climbing instead. I'm simply in love with rock climbing at this point. The athleticism, the problem solving, the people, the drop-in nature of the gym itself--it all really brings me back to when I was doing jiu jitsu. I've made a lot of acquaintances at this point, which is awesome. I'm still pretty bad though and I can only climb up to V1s, sans one V2. None of that's an excuse for my internet usage though. Work is also stressing me out slightly. I've been pretty busy recently with one client, and there's been a lot of deliverables. I'm feeling slightly tilted by getting tacitly called out (without being named) by my boss-boss during a client meeting, which actually just stemmed from a misunderstanding between us. It's frustrating, but I'll just make sure I communicate better in the future. My mind's first reaction though is to go into catastrophe mode, but so far I've done a good job of NOT doing that. So some progress has been made, but in some ways the old struggles are still there. That's life I guess.

Alright, weekend has been pleasant so far. Parents visited since I can't visit them (...). Missed them, had a lot of really good food. Made me really happy to see them. As soon as they left it's been straight back on the laptop. I'm going to get off now. I'm re-signing my contract for one week. Honestly, I've been very lax with internet usage the past few days in between how busy I was, like I was OWED that, like it served some connection with the outside world. It means I was not doing enough of that on my own this past week. There are much better ways to get that. I have goals. I cannot forget that and get trapped.

Have been working crazy hours this week, and I've been up late a bunch, like tonight. Internet usage has been good or bad depending on the day. Meditation has been iffy. Good to note I lost sight of that. I started rock climbing and love it. Have already made a few acquaintances there and that makes me very happy. That's it.

Dude, that's a massive pay bump either way. Congrats!

Bro, no shame. You're acting brave as fuck right now. Fuck the haters, if they exist. You need to do what's right for you. This is YOUR journal, and it's meant to help YOU. Absolute gangster. (And, now you're putting more pressure on me to stay consistent with the gym, so thanks for that.)

Things. Internet usage has been better. Haven't gone really overboard or done too much dumb stuff. Phone usage is way down this week compared to last. Went to a happy hour yesterday for a buddy at my old job that finally had enough. I also saw the woman I asked out and she seemed none too pleased lol. Idgaf. Had a lot of fun and it was great to see a lot of the people I was friendly with. After SEVERAL rounds of reviews I finally got all three deliverables out today, in time for tomorrow. Now I have nothing. Consulting is weird. Hopefully, I can get something tomorrow, or it might not be until Monday that I can get scheduled onto something. Hung out with my buddy last night as well. Had therapy yesterday as well. Got to the gym today. Meditated and read a book as well. Honestly not a bad 48 hours. Just need to keep on this direction.

I'm awake. Lol. I got a full night's sleep last night, but I'm still feeling the sleep debt. I've noticed the past week or so, it's been really hard managing my internet use. Even at work it's creeping back up a little bit. I think I'm just feeling cooped up, lonely, and stressed. I just need to hold on. Work was hard today. I got in late (for obvious reasons) and then ended up staying super late after getting wrapped up into an impromptu meeting at 5 that lasted til 7:30. It's crunch time now.

I've been up for 38 hours now. Two short of a record. Lol. I'm actually pretty reasonably awake. But I'm going to bed now. I had a bunch of time sensitive work I had to do which A) I couldn't start til Sunday afternoon, B) and I procrastinated when it came time to do it. I basically fit two day's work into one. PEACE!

@TheNewMe2.0, good to hear you're working on your mental health too. Why do I go to work? Because solitary confinement makes me want to die. Straight up, the 1.5 months I spent without going anywhere besides the dumpster and grabbing mail when everyone locked down last year was the most brutal thing I ever endured. I live solo without a family. Never again will I submit to such a thing. @Jason70, 100% agree, though I'm not consistent with putting that into practice. I did get my sleep on track today thankfully. --- Alright, updates. Didn't get a chance to catch up on sleep til today. Because of my boneheaded decision on Tuesday and the fact I was working extra hours, left little time for sleep. I actually have to work tomorrow because there is some really time-sensitive critical work I need to complete which will go to the client. I'll just take that time off of Friday, or maybe I'll work the extra time throughout the week and bank some OT. Got back to meditating today as well. Got to the gym and had a really good workout. I've been reading more recently too. I've decided to sign up for rock climbing. Another very social hobby, and reminds me of the vibe I had when I was doing jiu jitsu. It will also be more time out of the house, which is good. The point of this is to just get back to being social while most of the real fun stuff is closed. Golf and the gym is great, but it's seldom I run across the same people. I want to go to a place where I have a better chance of seeing the same people. While I was researching this today, I took the blockers off my internet so I could do some research on YouTube, but I got instantly distracted and started doing dumb stuff like watching some esports, because honestly I was bored. I'll put the blockers back on, and laptop will be off for the rest of the night. The internet is not my purpose. I'll also re-up a written contract I wrote myself, which worked well enough. Not too mad though since I did do something productive with it during that time.

@TheNewMe2.0, oh, that's interesting. I'll give that a shot. I've been doing something similar to that at work (cause I'm the only one in the office, lol), where I take a piece of paper, write whatever my thoughts are that are irrational and causing whatever anguish or anxiety is there, and then directly refute all of the BS on the opposite side of the page. It calms me down a lot. I like this though too since it forces you to explore both "poles" so to speak, and find where the truth lies in the middle. It's less prone to irrational positivity too. --- Was kind of dumb on Tuesday. Got a task from a PM that was going to take a TON of time, and I basically just skipped out of work and hit the internet for 10 hours straight, staying up super late. Kind of dumb--nah, dumb af. I think three things factored into this: 1) wasn't meditating as much recently, 2) I think there was some pent up anxiety and demand from the lack of internet prior, 3) was feeling generally overwhelmed and hopeless. I actually did really well for the six days prior. Six steps forward, one back. So going forward, I'll meditate some more, and just attack whatever it is regardless of how I feel. I'd rather just work as best I can and fail, then just fail by not doing anything. Also, even if I had worked the final hours of my work day, I would be that much better off than my current situation, and with more sleep, performing better. The one recurring thought I have is "If I had just worked, I'd have been 4 hours closer to finishing." Wednesday and Thursday went much better, though I am VERY sleep deprived right now after hanging out with my friend last night. I'm very proud of working through today, and I might work some more later, though I do have to balance it with sleep. Maybe I just get up early tomorrow. I struggle with this but eventually I'll get it right.

Kinda tired. Was up late yesterday doing laundry. I'll keep this brief. Doing better. Had a good day at work. Had an actual productive heart-to-heart with my dad. Don't really feel like writing about it much right now but it feels like some of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Accidentally broke my internet rules tonight. Overall, this past week went much better than last, though I still want it badly. Being present is hard still.

@TheNewMe2.0, all good suggestions. I don't know any CBT exercises though. I don't think I've done anything like that with my therapist. --- Kinda slowly losing my mind. Honestly, just overwhelmed and cooped up. Meditated, worked-out, groceries, and cooking. Laundry ongoing. I need to do more on my weekends. I need to push through this. Internet usage lower overall today. Grateful for mom.

Absolute madlad. Good stuff on the month, but holy crap, that's so damn cold, lol.

@Ikar , it's very true that most people I encounter, including those at work, are more fearful concerning what discussed. And you're 100% right that they'll go live in their echo chambers. I had hardly even stated my opinion before I got blasted, told that there was no way I could ever convince them (not that I was trying to, honestly), and was told to never discuss politics again on the chat (also odd, given that they were consistently using political humor in our group chat). I'm still glad I said something though, since honestly, they were bringing it up often enough and that A) I was genuinely curious, and B) I stopped being scared. The second one is more important to me. I waver daily (hourly?) on feeling weak and strong, but I know long-term I am getting stronger. --- Honestly, was a bit of a lazy ass today. Just entertained myself and went to the gym. Not proud of this. Going to meditate, clean up, and go to bed. Start tomorrow fresh. I had a bunch of negative thoughts while I was at the gym today--well, really all day which is why I spent so much time distracting myself. I had to confront it though while I was at the gym, because it's not good to feel like a failure when there's a heavy barbell a few feet over your windpipe. I noticed that, despite how today went overall, I'm getting better at this. I'm getting better at catching the irrational thoughts and either dissolving them or acting despite them. The meditation is a big help. I also got away from focused meditating the past few days so I am going to re-establish that tonight.

Yo, that's a really good list. I can identify with 95% of that, especially the escapism. I think you hit the nail on the head though. Purpose and values are the best thing for driving change. Keep up the good work.

Makes a lot of sense. On one end of the spectrum, there's "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" and on the other end is Peter Pan (there's your Peterson reference, lol). That's great that you have that in place, since being social is generally the healthiest of escapes, provided you aren't binge drinking or anything like that. I've been incredibly isolated for the past year and lost friendships, and even more so the past few months, though I'm managing it much better overall. That makes a lot of negative emotions sting a lot worse, which is also a cue for me to do all my bad habits. My hope is as long as I keep meditating, journaling, working out, getting good at my job, and being as social as I can be, that eventually the desire to go back to my bad habits will go down. Failing sucks, I know. Have you at least been masturbating less when you're trying not to? If so, you're still winning. Just keep iterating until you figure out a way that gets it under control for you. --- Getting back on the good path. Had a productive two days at work (from home). Sleep has been a little screwy. I still need to work some big hours tomorrow, and I have a happy hour to go to (WHICH I AM SO EXCITED FOR!) Internet usage has been A+ since the re-up on the contract. Urges are still there and can be quite intense, but overall headaches are down which is good. I was up pretty late/early the other day reading a book on confidence and mindfulness meditation and the such. I've had it for a while now and thanks to not being on the internet so much, and a good friend's challenge to me, I've been making steady progress. One of the exercises in that I've found to be quite helpful to try and detach from thoughts that I'll get stuck on and start to loop until I go insane. Basically, it involves imaging a stream with leaves falling on it, and on each leaf is a thought that pops into one's head. The leaf floats down the stream and out of sight. And the process repeats. I find I can get out of the neurotic and negative thought patterns much quicker. I also had a political conversation (won't be repeated here) with some people at work today. I was genuinely curious as to the other people's position which was opposite my own, as I like to challenge my own beliefs. Afterwards, I felt a) like these people viewed me as a leper, and b) was genuinely shocked that they were viewing my stance as "unempathetic," which considering I've lived such a broken childhood, I'm really attuned to the suffering of others since I knew my own all too well (and still do at times). This REALLY depressed me and took up a lot of mental space today. It also made me sad that society has gotten to the point where we really cannot have honest debate without attacking people directly, amongst some other more specific things. My mind went into negative overdrive and started thinking about all my failures and broken friendships. Thankfully, a trip to the gym plus the exercise I mentioned before helped clear up my mind. I still feel genuine sadness over the disconnection (and yes I know I'm being vague about what was said). However, I'm grateful for the conversation because a) I'm speaking my mind more, which historically I haven't unless I felt super safe, b) I took a risk, which I normally don't do, and c) it gave me some ideas on how I could handled it better. I really do crave connection of any kind right now, so the rejection of my ideas (and myself really) was hard, but I think I've bounced back. I'm just going to keep learning how to best connect with others despite the circumstances. Rant over.

@TheNewMe2.0 Good stuff on the NoFap! Keep it up (or down, well...you know what I mean :D) No, I was getting headaches from not going on the internet. It's hard because it's my main way of escape, and it was just withdrawal. I kinda went back a few steps though before getting back on track this afternoon. --- Wrote up the new contract this afternoon. Was working from home and it wasn't really going well. I temporarily uninstalled blockers...the whole nine yards. After I re-wrote the contract I had more resolve and stuck to the rules. It's unfortunate I went backwards, but I had some really good days in there that I wasn't having before. I'll try again. I also got a new egg-timer and alarm clock in today. The egg-timer is for the laptop usage. The alarm clock is so I don't have to touch my phone in the morning when I am at my weakest moment if I'm tired. Though, because I was keeping my phone out of my bedroom, I had to put it at the top of the stairwell near my room, which actually made it really hard for me to go back into bed. I think I'll get a lot of time back from it this year, and that will easily make it my best investment. I'm also starting to believe that it's not so much the internet that's the issue versus the escapism now. I kind of know that even if I'm really good with staying away from the internet, the escapism will still be there. Same thing happened with video games, but obviously the benefit is that I move from a really bad harm to a lesser harm. If I go from internet to books, or working out, or practically whatever else, I think I still benefit, but that doesn't get at the root cause of my pain. The reason I've been thinking about this, is that while I've been restricting news, Twitter, Reddit, and YouTube to an hour a day, I get through it in 30 minutes. That's strange as heck. But it makes sense though. I make the rounds faster and hit all the sites I want, but then at the end of thirty minutes I think, what else is there? Well, what else is there? Nothing. I'm bored. Then I go find something else outside the stipulations of my contract and go to town. This is really all an attempt to shirk reality, responsibility, and purpose. Basically, I am a high-functioning man-child. Nothing I didn't know, but it's a really important reminder for me to stay present and keep cultivating that purpose. I'm getting better at it...slowly, and when I do, I feel like an adult. Funny how that goes. I'm dedicate all my meditation to cultivating these things, and hope that I can create better habits to be highly-focused on these things, rather than running away.

I like your list. It's important to remember the things that matter and bring us joy. It's a good reminder for myself too. Thank you.

Stayed up late last night cooking and being stupid. Took some of the morning to clean up. Still got a decent day's work in. Called home tonight. Talked to mom, mentioned some of the stuff from last night. Not the easiest of conversations, but it was worthwhile. Just dicked around on the internet a bunch afterwards, but still technically within the bounds of the contract I wrote myself. I have to write a new one tomorrow anyway so I'll just iterate on that. Overall though, the headaches are not quite as bad at work as they were last week. Phone usage is down a ton. Tomorrow will be better.

Had a great leg workout today. Bought a book. Went grocery shopping. Read some stuff. Called home and realized my dad is still a tool. I'm kinda pissed off right now and I'm just getting this post out of the way. Internet use way down.

Dude, you're killing it right now. Massive respect 👊

I GOT TO GOLFING TODAY! IT'S A FEBRUARY MIRACLE! I checked this morning to see if a few courses around me decided to open up with the warm weather, and sure enough I found ONE spot where I could fit in 18 holes. Neck was feeling pretty good so I figured why not? I needed the social practice more than anything, and I wanted to see how much the work I put in the past few weeks in my golf game worked out. I ate DIRT. No really! I ate dirt I was so bad. I was so bad, that I literally swallowed a clod of mud that sprayed into my mouth on one of my worst shots. It was gross, but still didn't crack the top 10 of grossest things I've encountered (#1, having an unintelligible homeless man spit into my mouth, and then, in clear and perfect English, insulting my friend calling him a bitch, lol). I had a lot of fun though. The course was in understandably terrible condition, and the grass itself was really weird. I hit very few clean shots. I did hit a few nice ones though which felt great. And on the back nine, I putted like a MONSTER--probably around 6 fewer putts over those nine holes compared to my average. I also destroyed my coaches 3-wood as the shaft snapped, the head went flying and skidded down a cart path. I'll get it repaired, but that sucked because I was just getting the hang of hitting it. The best part though were the two guys I got paired up with. Both were from South Korea, and one had really good English and the other had really bad English. We all had fun, and that was really the only goal I had. I wanted to be the best random golf guy they could be around, and I think I did a good job. It was hard with the guy who didn't understand even the most basic stuff I was saying, but in a way, it was a good challenge to find other ways to connect. For real, I'm so happy I did a good job being entertaining. Making connections with strangers is the best thing. It's so validating. And yeah, "you shouldn't need external validation waaaaaaaah"--screw it, I don't care. Also, I didn't watch any esports today, compared to last few weeks where I watched about 4 hours in total, each weekend. That's what connection does. It fixes addictions. Also, internet usage was way down, and I actually have to unplug my router in a few minutes, unless I go on Tinder. Man I needed that bad. Now I'm going to just do other stuff to make my life better tonight, and go to bed early because I am absolutely wiped. Peace.

Mixed bag day. Got to work early. Made decent progress on the thing I'm working on, which now needs to be done by Tuesday. Not worried, I'll likely have it done Monday. Did really well staying away from my phone, though I did check the Screentime function and saw I was down under an hour for the past 2 days! Hell yeah. Besides that, headaches pretty much all day, urges, resistance, yada yada...I got through it. Got home and did my hour of internet escape, which turned into a few more, mostly unproductive since I found a loophole in the rules I set, and wanted to exploit it a little. I won't do that tomorrow, but I'm not mad at myself since the past three days were a big improvement, even with my faux pas right now. I did spend some of that time trying to book a golf tee time tomorrow to be social, but it seems like a lot of places are still closed. I'll at least go to the gym tomorrow despite my neck hurting. It's hurting different now...but I think I can still lift. Recovery week is up so I'm itching to go back. Big goal tomorrow is to regulate the internet usage with other new activities. Should be fun.

Well, at least you are feeling better. Talk to your doctor if you aren't feeling better next week. I don't know if they are still tracking data on post-reaction side effects, but according to the Moderna Phase 3 study that was used in the Emergency Use Authorization, Grade 3 adverse events for headaches after the second dose occurred in 10% of all patients. So it's uncommon what happened to you but not rare.