DaBest

Yo! I'm ok. Not dead. Sent you a message.

Past couple of days have been up and down. I've been staying up too late, often turning off my blockers briefly to go research bouldering techniques since I'm still really new and want to improve. I go rock climbing pretty late as it's open way later than the normal gym, so if I get out of work late, I just go rock climbing instead. I'm simply in love with rock climbing at this point. The athleticism, the problem solving, the people, the drop-in nature of the gym itself--it all really brings me back to when I was doing jiu jitsu. I've made a lot of acquaintances at this point, which is awesome. I'm still pretty bad though and I can only climb up to V1s, sans one V2. None of that's an excuse for my internet usage though. Work is also stressing me out slightly. I've been pretty busy recently with one client, and there's been a lot of deliverables. I'm feeling slightly tilted by getting tacitly called out (without being named) by my boss-boss during a client meeting, which actually just stemmed from a misunderstanding between us. It's frustrating, but I'll just make sure I communicate better in the future. My mind's first reaction though is to go into catastrophe mode, but so far I've done a good job of NOT doing that. So some progress has been made, but in some ways the old struggles are still there. That's life I guess.

Alright, weekend has been pleasant so far. Parents visited since I can't visit them (...). Missed them, had a lot of really good food. Made me really happy to see them. As soon as they left it's been straight back on the laptop. I'm going to get off now. I'm re-signing my contract for one week. Honestly, I've been very lax with internet usage the past few days in between how busy I was, like I was OWED that, like it served some connection with the outside world. It means I was not doing enough of that on my own this past week. There are much better ways to get that. I have goals. I cannot forget that and get trapped.

Have been working crazy hours this week, and I've been up late a bunch, like tonight. Internet usage has been good or bad depending on the day. Meditation has been iffy. Good to note I lost sight of that. I started rock climbing and love it. Have already made a few acquaintances there and that makes me very happy. That's it.

Dude, that's a massive pay bump either way. Congrats!

Bro, no shame. You're acting brave as fuck right now. Fuck the haters, if they exist. You need to do what's right for you. This is YOUR journal, and it's meant to help YOU. Absolute gangster. (And, now you're putting more pressure on me to stay consistent with the gym, so thanks for that.)

Things. Internet usage has been better. Haven't gone really overboard or done too much dumb stuff. Phone usage is way down this week compared to last. Went to a happy hour yesterday for a buddy at my old job that finally had enough. I also saw the woman I asked out and she seemed none too pleased lol. Idgaf. Had a lot of fun and it was great to see a lot of the people I was friendly with. After SEVERAL rounds of reviews I finally got all three deliverables out today, in time for tomorrow. Now I have nothing. Consulting is weird. Hopefully, I can get something tomorrow, or it might not be until Monday that I can get scheduled onto something. Hung out with my buddy last night as well. Had therapy yesterday as well. Got to the gym today. Meditated and read a book as well. Honestly not a bad 48 hours. Just need to keep on this direction.

I'm awake. Lol. I got a full night's sleep last night, but I'm still feeling the sleep debt. I've noticed the past week or so, it's been really hard managing my internet use. Even at work it's creeping back up a little bit. I think I'm just feeling cooped up, lonely, and stressed. I just need to hold on. Work was hard today. I got in late (for obvious reasons) and then ended up staying super late after getting wrapped up into an impromptu meeting at 5 that lasted til 7:30. It's crunch time now.

I've been up for 38 hours now. Two short of a record. Lol. I'm actually pretty reasonably awake. But I'm going to bed now. I had a bunch of time sensitive work I had to do which A) I couldn't start til Sunday afternoon, B) and I procrastinated when it came time to do it. I basically fit two day's work into one. PEACE!

@TheNewMe2.0, good to hear you're working on your mental health too. Why do I go to work? Because solitary confinement makes me want to die. Straight up, the 1.5 months I spent without going anywhere besides the dumpster and grabbing mail when everyone locked down last year was the most brutal thing I ever endured. I live solo without a family. Never again will I submit to such a thing. @Jason70, 100% agree, though I'm not consistent with putting that into practice. I did get my sleep on track today thankfully. --- Alright, updates. Didn't get a chance to catch up on sleep til today. Because of my boneheaded decision on Tuesday and the fact I was working extra hours, left little time for sleep. I actually have to work tomorrow because there is some really time-sensitive critical work I need to complete which will go to the client. I'll just take that time off of Friday, or maybe I'll work the extra time throughout the week and bank some OT. Got back to meditating today as well. Got to the gym and had a really good workout. I've been reading more recently too. I've decided to sign up for rock climbing. Another very social hobby, and reminds me of the vibe I had when I was doing jiu jitsu. It will also be more time out of the house, which is good. The point of this is to just get back to being social while most of the real fun stuff is closed. Golf and the gym is great, but it's seldom I run across the same people. I want to go to a place where I have a better chance of seeing the same people. While I was researching this today, I took the blockers off my internet so I could do some research on YouTube, but I got instantly distracted and started doing dumb stuff like watching some esports, because honestly I was bored. I'll put the blockers back on, and laptop will be off for the rest of the night. The internet is not my purpose. I'll also re-up a written contract I wrote myself, which worked well enough. Not too mad though since I did do something productive with it during that time.

@TheNewMe2.0, oh, that's interesting. I'll give that a shot. I've been doing something similar to that at work (cause I'm the only one in the office, lol), where I take a piece of paper, write whatever my thoughts are that are irrational and causing whatever anguish or anxiety is there, and then directly refute all of the BS on the opposite side of the page. It calms me down a lot. I like this though too since it forces you to explore both "poles" so to speak, and find where the truth lies in the middle. It's less prone to irrational positivity too. --- Was kind of dumb on Tuesday. Got a task from a PM that was going to take a TON of time, and I basically just skipped out of work and hit the internet for 10 hours straight, staying up super late. Kind of dumb--nah, dumb af. I think three things factored into this: 1) wasn't meditating as much recently, 2) I think there was some pent up anxiety and demand from the lack of internet prior, 3) was feeling generally overwhelmed and hopeless. I actually did really well for the six days prior. Six steps forward, one back. So going forward, I'll meditate some more, and just attack whatever it is regardless of how I feel. I'd rather just work as best I can and fail, then just fail by not doing anything. Also, even if I had worked the final hours of my work day, I would be that much better off than my current situation, and with more sleep, performing better. The one recurring thought I have is "If I had just worked, I'd have been 4 hours closer to finishing." Wednesday and Thursday went much better, though I am VERY sleep deprived right now after hanging out with my friend last night. I'm very proud of working through today, and I might work some more later, though I do have to balance it with sleep. Maybe I just get up early tomorrow. I struggle with this but eventually I'll get it right.

Kinda tired. Was up late yesterday doing laundry. I'll keep this brief. Doing better. Had a good day at work. Had an actual productive heart-to-heart with my dad. Don't really feel like writing about it much right now but it feels like some of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Accidentally broke my internet rules tonight. Overall, this past week went much better than last, though I still want it badly. Being present is hard still.

@TheNewMe2.0, all good suggestions. I don't know any CBT exercises though. I don't think I've done anything like that with my therapist. --- Kinda slowly losing my mind. Honestly, just overwhelmed and cooped up. Meditated, worked-out, groceries, and cooking. Laundry ongoing. I need to do more on my weekends. I need to push through this. Internet usage lower overall today. Grateful for mom.

Absolute madlad. Good stuff on the month, but holy crap, that's so damn cold, lol.

@Ikar , it's very true that most people I encounter, including those at work, are more fearful concerning what discussed. And you're 100% right that they'll go live in their echo chambers. I had hardly even stated my opinion before I got blasted, told that there was no way I could ever convince them (not that I was trying to, honestly), and was told to never discuss politics again on the chat (also odd, given that they were consistently using political humor in our group chat). I'm still glad I said something though, since honestly, they were bringing it up often enough and that A) I was genuinely curious, and B) I stopped being scared. The second one is more important to me. I waver daily (hourly?) on feeling weak and strong, but I know long-term I am getting stronger. --- Honestly, was a bit of a lazy ass today. Just entertained myself and went to the gym. Not proud of this. Going to meditate, clean up, and go to bed. Start tomorrow fresh. I had a bunch of negative thoughts while I was at the gym today--well, really all day which is why I spent so much time distracting myself. I had to confront it though while I was at the gym, because it's not good to feel like a failure when there's a heavy barbell a few feet over your windpipe. I noticed that, despite how today went overall, I'm getting better at this. I'm getting better at catching the irrational thoughts and either dissolving them or acting despite them. The meditation is a big help. I also got away from focused meditating the past few days so I am going to re-establish that tonight.