MPieterse

Day 27, Fast day for me. Slept in because I could, went to campus for the two classes I have today. Finished my work, came home. Decided to make tacos, I haven't really been eating a lot, so I kinda had a feast tonight. Feel really stuffed right now with a good food. I've been spending a bit too much time on Reddit lately, and I need to cut down on the amount of time I spend on the website. That's basically it. I need to get more organized with all my work, I've never been one for organization, but it would definitely help me get everything on track.

Day 26, I started riding my bike to campus, instead of the bus. It's in the realm of could possibly be faster or a half hour slower, depending on when the bus arrives. It, unfortunately, means I can't read on the bus, and my progress in the latest book I started reading has been dismal. I have classes all day until 9 starting at 10:30. Got to campus a bit early, so I could grab some coffee and meditate before my first class began. Went through my day, as usual, I have to write a sonnet in tomorrow, which is as terrible as it sounds. Rest of the day went fairly well.

Day 25, Did stuff? Day went by in a flash. Got a job as a receptionist at a local barbershop every other Saturday, and got a job interview afterward. Went on to get some stuff from a local store, then finished my art homework, did the laundry, then took a shower. Man life feels kinda weird right now, I haven't touched games at all in 25 days, and I barely think about them now. I have conversations with myself too in my mind. I dunno, the whole thing is strange.

Day 24, Spent the whole day on my computer, doing somewhat productive things. I finished my poem for creative writing. Spent time on Reddit, and drawing. Ran a little bit. Finished the audiobook "The subtle art of not giving a fuck" really good book. It talked about learning to stop caring about every little thing. How in life the really real enjoyment in life is the grind. How to set goals and just try every day. How to not give a fuck, so you might as well try. It spoke to me and my perfectionist attitude. How I find myself feeling like I have to be perfect and everything has to be perfect. Really enjoyed the book, not just the message, but also the writing style. Filled out another job application. Think I also broke my gaming rig, mining bitcoin, gonna miss those four bucks I earned, but I don't really care.

Welcome!

Day 23, I don't really remember what I did today. I think I'm slipping up my good habits a bit. I'm trying to find a new book to read, but I also haven't really exercised in the past two days. I've done a bit of my homework, but I haven't completed all of it. I remember reading somewhere to write down all the things you have to do tomorrow right before you go to bed, which I think I'm going to need to do. I just feel weird right now.

Day 22, Messed up my day plan today. Ment to wake up early, go to campus (they close early today) and rent a textbook that I have to read for one of my classes. Instead, I woke up late and spent the next several hours, figuring out how bitcoin mining works. I dunno why I did, it was just something I was vaguely interested in. I spent the whole morning (I did, however, wake up late) messing around with my old gaming rig, to see if I could turn it into a bitcoin mining machine since I don't really have a use for it anymore. I set it up, but it took until about two-thirty, and the amount of money I make from it is fairly minimal. But it was interesting to learn about crypto-currency and how it works. However, I felt that I wouldn't have sufficient time to finish reading the textbook (you can only rent it out for 2 hours for free), so I stayed home. Felt shit about it really, I spent the first half of the day by myself. Eventually, I decided to get off my ass and fill out some more job resumes, so I have something to do over the weekend. I'm finishing this early today because I kinda want to get done with it.

Day 21, I've been feeling kinda crap the past two days. I haven't really fulfilled my social needs in the past two days. I've been focusing on school, but I don't really have people to talk to there. It's better this semester since I know a few people that are in some of my classes but it is more just in the nod in the hallway. I think I mentioned a girl in one of my previous posts who I asked out on FB, she didn't respond, and I know better than to send anything further. We see each other sometimes, and we've talked when we had the chance. She seems really comfortable around me, and I like it, but it also weirds me out a bit. I haven't stated this in my previous posts, but I have trust issues. I am not entirely sure where I got it from. My theory is that it just comes from me constantly moving around in my childhood, and having to rely on myself. Maybe it's spending so much time online, and having to deal with ads, spam, and bots. I always pin down people's motivations even when I know their intentions aren't selfish or intentional. So when someone seems comfortable around me that I don't know too well, I feel a little off by it. Even when the therapist called e "strong" on Monday, I felt a little suspicious that she was just saying that because it was her job. I'm trying to get over it, but I don't really know how. So today, it was okay. I'm alive.

Day, 19+20 Just been busy lately and forgot about the journal. I dunno what else to say. My classes are okay, but I don't feel super drawn to any of them. My brain is a bit of a mess right now.

Day 19 Funny, when I tried to quit before this was the farthest I got, before feeling unsatiable urges to game again. I don't feel the desire that badly anymore. Maybe it's because I'm busy all day. Maybe because I'm happier now. Probably both. Looking back to gaming the allure is still there if I think about it hard enough, but I usually can snap my head out of it. My thoughts are wandering about other things now, rather than only thinking about games. As far as my day went, I got to campus early, finished a bit of work. Apparently, I was an hour early to my first class so I walked around for a bit then meditated until the class started. It's creative writing and it seems like a really fun class. I then had a break before stats. Afterwards ate the food I packed and spent some time with the digital art piece that I'm working on. It's a just ahead, and I'll post it here once it's done. Then had drawing class, and had to lug around a giant box full of supplies that we had to get. Spent the class drawing with charcoal for the first time, and it was interesting to experience since I never drew with charcoal before. Had to lug a giant clipboard around, from the bus home which was kinda annoying but manageable.

Day 18 Doing this early, just wanted to get it done with today. Busy day, the first day of the semester. Had to get to campus early for therapy. I can't even describe the feeling of being able to talk to someone about all the shit I had to grow through as a kid. Constantly changing schools, feeling that I had to fit into a different setting all the time, using video games to cope, having people move in and out of my life, my trust issues, poor family life, feeling dead inside for years, being reliant only to myself. And she called me "strong". "strong". Nobodies called me that before. Nobody. I felt better afterward, took a break. Had dance class afterward, and it was really fast-paced. Then had a short amount of time to eat lunch before going to stats. Got done and proceeded to try to finish some work that's due tomorrow. Met up with some old classmates and then got one the bus came home, ate dinner, and here I am now.

Welcome to the forum!

Day 17 I honestly forget how many days since I started, and the journals the only way I remember. Don't know where the day went. Woke up late (around 10), and then went to get eat breakfast. Since I've quit I find myself eating a lot less, and for the past week, I've only eaten a slice of whole grain toast. But I ate all the bread so I had this corn tortilla that I put in the toaster oven for a minute before getting bored and just eating it. Spent the next part of the day reading a book, binge-watching youtube, then I challenged myself to a meditation-a-thon. I meditated for a half an hour and then had to try to wake up my legs. Went to the gym for about 40 minutes before heading back. Came home took a shower, then started preparing for tomorrow. Eventually had to go to the grocery store. Went I got back I started preparing food for the week, so I wouldn't have to spend that much time cooking next week. During this time I was also doing the laundry. Got an email from my dance "professor" with the basic class syllabus. We have to get a 100$ textbook for a 1 credit class. Fun. I am pretty sure I got everything prepared but we will see tomorrow. Have to get up early for a ride since it's gonna rain tomorrow and I really don't want to bike through that. I'm glad that the campus is open now, as I can spend time out of the house. While I usually get social anxiety when I'm in a large group/crowd but I hate being alone more. I've also started learning about using autodesk sketchbook, and it's a weird leap for me. I always drew just with graphite pencils, and I'm trying to incorporate color in for the first time. I'm really excited about what I can do, but I also have no real clue what to do.

Day 16 Woke up with a massive anxiety attack, tried to calm down for hours. Tried writing it down, and it calmed me down a bit. I don't even know what I had anxiety about, but it was just knawing at me man. This whole day is a bit hazy, I spent almost all of it on my computer trying to set some stuff up, messing around in digital art since I got a new stylus, and on reddit/youtube. Also finished painting another pair of shoes, which I have totally not been on-offing for the past week. The semester starts Monday, and I scheduled a therapy session in the morning. I already filled out the form, and they actually had internet/gaming addiction on the form. It's nice to feel not so alone on this issue that I have. I've had some urges to play again, they're not that bad, but I have found myself going to some game's subreddit for a few seconds in the past couple days. I think I just need to get out more and be around people more often.

Day 15 Took my driving test again for the fifth fucking time and failed it again. Just made one critical error by mistake, and that fucked up my whole test again. I've been trying to pass it for the last three years, but I never took it fucking seriously until know. I spent the past month practicing, I would have passed if I didn't make one fucking error. I got angry afterward, before calming myself down somewhat. It's not that I'm angry that I failed, I'm angry that I have to wait another fucking month to take it again. Got home, and spent the next hour pacing around the backyard trying to calm me down. In the end, I decided to get that tattoo I wanted. It wasn't that bad if I had to describe it's like going to the dentist on your arm. Unfortunately, you can't go on a heavy workout, for a little bit, which is what I need right now. Had to get some supplies afterward to help the skin heal. I've always had issues with anger with anger in the past, and while I'm better at controlling it now, some part of me still remains angry. It's just a feeling of aggressiveness and confidence at the same time. Wierd. I used gaming in the past to deal with the anger, but right now this journal *rant* is helping me calm down, even though part of me just wants to smash something.

Day 14 Spent the first part of the day taking and waiting for important phone calls. Did a bit of drawing during this time as I was sitting around for a couple hours. Afterwards went to my friend's house before he went back to Santa Cruz. We got some lunch, smoked some weed, then packed his car. Went back afterward and watched youtube for a bit. I lost track of time during this period, when at about 4:30 or so I went to the gym. Saw an old classmate there which was a nice change of pace. Got back at around six, took a shower, drew a little bit, ate dinner, and listened to Bob's Burgers while I was working. I have to get up a bit earlier tomorrow so I'm going to try to go to bed a bit earlier today. I feel a bit weird drawing again. I find sometimes I'll mess around with different idea's that are in my head, that I don't spend forever trying to complete, or just rush to finish them. I haven't devoted myself to any one thing, I think it's because I am insecure that it would turn out poorly. I've also decided that once my detox is over I will only play games with other people, in the same room, and never by myself. Having sleepovers as a kid, and playing mariokart is still one of my best memories of my childhood. Or trying to play Super Mario World with a friend arguing over (slightly drunk) whos the best princess in the mushroom kingdom is (it's Peach end of discussion, Rosalina is a fake). These or moments I still enjoy the most, and I would still like to have. I know that I can't go back to playing games by myself, even though I get an urge now and then. @indie_rok those are the current habits that I always do now (I missed one day of med, and I've only been going to the gym for a week), it's more that I feel like I can add something to my habits, but I don't know what.

Day 13 Lately, I've found myself wandering around, distracting myself with tidbits of different projects to fill the time. I want to set up some goals so I can be a bit more productive, but I'm having trouble thinking of what exactly. I've been stuck on the 4th chapter of the course about picking new hobbies. I have some but not enough to finish it. I don't hold myself to any "mandatory" amounts of anything, just a rough baseline of what I want to do each day. So far, it has kept me busy, but not as productive as I could be. I'm more just getting by until the 8th and the next semester starts. Started reading a new book today, it is called "The Science of Breaking Out of Your Comfort Zone" by Peter Hollins. I've gotten through the first two chapters, and it takes about the basics of what the comfort zone is and certain mindsets you can use to ease your way out of it. So far it is pretty interesting. So far my day plan includes the following: Meditate at least for 10 minutes before bed Go to the gym for at least 30 minutes Draw/Make something Read a little bit every day

Day 12, I feel weird and a bit shook up today. I had anxiety attacks today. About my future, how I could fall into a another tar pit of despair. How I could be stuck in some dead-end job just trying to make cash and feel depressed, and turn to gaming again. The feeling of being stuck in a giant machine and isolation from the world. It's happened before, and if my memory serves, it's around the time I really started to go on gaming binges. I have made a few rough drafts on what I want to do, but the feeling still sticks inside, and it's one the feelings that I've been running from for a long time. The failure of seeing what I want in life, living day by day for something meaningless. The fear of being in a dark room unable to see the way out. I screamed out loud twice the feeling got so bad, and I feel miserable about it.

Welcome! Just take it slow, and find the pleasures in the little things. Things will get better in time, and if you have problems with commitments (I had problems with this too) just focus on getting through one day at a time.

Day 11, Not much happened today, I can't claim that I did anything amazing or outstanding, but I've just been keeping myself busy. Lately I've been spending a fair amount of time just walking around from place to place. I don't mind it, even though it's a bit cold to walking around in just a t-shirt I enjoy the simplicity sometimes as I walk to the gym every day. I've been reading "Improving Your Social Skills" by Patrick King, and I reached the conclusion this morning. It's a fairly short book that's straightforward guide in interacting with people that's pretty interesting. It always felt like it was the innate gift that people seemed to be born with and is just plain common sense, but reading the book shows how very little people actually know about it. I feel a lot happier now, and I'm excited for whats to come. I've been crying daily but its a good thing, and I'm glad that I'm finally doing it.

Day 10, Spent the early part of the day washing clothes and getting ready to hit the gym. I got up at 11 as I went to bed really late last night. Hit the gym came back to a shower and decided to go get some new clothes. I've been reading up a bit about men's fashion and I learned that I had been dressing like a slob for years. I'm not looking to break a budget and its pretty hard to just get some stock clothes for cheap (you have to buy them in packs) and decided to get some online. Not looking of wearing anything fancy, just some basic clothes that fit me. Spent the rest of the day filling out job resumes so I have something to do over the weekends once the semester starts next week. Even though its New Years, I want to go to bed early and start getting on a better sleep pattern so I'm up earlier in the morning. Not that much is going on in my head right now. I'm mostly just filling my time with planning for the immediate future. I thought up the idea that I wanted to own a bar in the future. A bit of different kind of bar, where you go in solo in a round table with five chairs. The idea would be it would be a place to meet new people and make new friends, which is something that I am going to have to do in the future if I end up moving away. I asked my friend what he thought of the idea, and he said it sounded like speed dating, can't disagree. It's not something I'm set on yet, but I personally like the idea.

Day 9 Went to the gym and hung out with my friend. Spent the evening with some friends that were home for the break. Felt pretty exhausted all day, but I wanted to spend more time with people so I just pushed through the desire to rest. I've been taking my time doing things lately and enjoy in the time I spend doing them. It's not efficient I know but I find myself enjoying life a bit more. Also been rolling with a bit of scruff lately instead of going clean shaven. I like it.

Day 8, Woke up at 9, but I stayed in bed until 10:30 because I have a problems getting out of bed in the morning. Its something that I need to work on. Spent the next hour tidying up my room a bit, eating breakfast, and brushing my teeth. I've found that I spend more time doing these mundane tasks that I was once to lazy to do. I don't even try to finish them quickly either, I just enjoy the time I have with myself. Had to go to the dentist today, spent the rest of my time driving around with my dad. Got home changed and went to the gym. Changed my voicemail (took an hour b/c I had to reset my password. Read a little bit, cooked dinner, started to prepare to pain another pair of shoes I have. I haven't thought about games that much in the past two days. I've found myself eating less in the last two days. I think I used to overeat because it made me feel good. I put all my emotions in jar covered in thorns, and threw it into the bottom of my soul. I was afraid of it, as I did not understand it, and intended it to be forgotten. I dug myself into a depth-less abyss where I could try to numb the pain. But the dark, cold, depths did not free me from it. The jar keeping piercing and gnawing at me, and at last, tired of digging, I picked it back up. The thorns stung as a I put my hand on the lid, but I released the lid none the less. I looked inside, and to my surprise I saw a mirror. My own face stared back and he spoke "Welcome back brother." He smiled, then his image was swept away into a rainbow of pixel colors swirling around me lighting the pit up around me. They danced around me in a beauty that I had never seen before in all my life. As they danced around me they fell in closer before dissolving into my skin. My skin starts to glow a pure white light, and a warmth grows inside my body. A feeling of love runs through myself, and for the first time, a sense of peace fills my soul.

Getting rid of your games/rig/console is tough I remember when I did it. It brings back all the memories you had of it in the past and all the good times you had. But once you do it gets better, for me when I did my head was filled with a level of both pride/uncertainty. The uncertainty will be there at first but once you start devoting more times to the things you want to do it goes away.

Day 7, I had one of the best days I've had in years. Couldn't sleep the night before feel asleep. I woke up and went to the gym. Walked so it would take longer, plus I've found it to be pretty relaxing. I worked out to a point where I just felt exhausted but at the same time fulfilled. Walked back and spent the next couple of hours trying to find places where I could get a weekend job. I was out for hours, thinking about myself and reflecting and understanding the emotions I felt. For the first time I saw why I acted the why I did, where my anger came from, and why I tend to push people away from me. Came home, watched a bit of TV and read a little bit. Drove my mom around to get something from the supermarket, then came home and ate dinner. My Dad went to go make candles with some of his friends and I joined him. I made one normal candle, then I got bored and made a rocket ship (basically a dildo made out of wax) for shits and giggles. Drove home and here I am. The initial feelings of sadness and regret for my addiction are leaving, for the first time in my life I'm starting to love myself. I'm a big fan of Lord of the Rings, and there's a quote in the first movie where Boromir says "forgive me I did not see" as he's dying when he realizes that he tried to take the ring from Frodo and was under the Rings control. This quote speaks to me as I am forgiving myself, for not seeing (understanding) myself. I'm thinking about translating that quote into tengwar then tattooing it on my shoulder.