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MPieterse

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Everything posted by MPieterse

  1. Day 46, I keep myself occupied. Nothing super interesting happened today. Talked to my therapist, went to the library to draw. Had class, then came home about an hour ago. I am having a couple issues with priorities. I find myself really focused on my digital art, that I sometimes procrastinate my actual homework. I could honestly handle taking another class this semester, even though it's too late to sign up for another. Funny, I feel like that hopeful 18 year old kid again. With that same hopeful feeling of being able to leave home go to college, and feeling of being free of all my problems. I always knew I played too much, and I was planning on leaving my desktop behind. Start the slate clean, and drink and fuck for a bit before having to take on responsibility. But this time it's different. I actually fixed my problems, and I know what I want from life. There's a flame growing, and a burning desire to chase what really matters to me. The things I used to think impossible, are more than possible. I have a goal list on my wall, and I've already begun to mark things down for it.
  2. To give you more time to party, obviously
  3. It sounds like feel apathetic towards your life, and gaming is a simple escape for you. I knew this feeling as well, the feeling of being weak, and worthless. That you don't really care about anything anymore, and there's nothing you can do about it. Your emotions are so numbed, and you feel so miserable that you don't really see the point of anything. Gaming is a temporary escape and provides you with a bit of stimulation that you can't find elsewhere. It sounds like your sick of all the shit in your life. Let it out. If you feel the need scream that your sick of this shit. Write it down somewhere. But let it out. You will feel moments of intense insanity, and cravings. You will want to go back to games, but that rational part of your head will tell you not too. And then you'll beat yourself up over going back again, and feel absolutely worthless. This is fucking normal for anyone quitting any type of addiction. Get every little fucking bit of bullshit out of your head. If your feeling timid, here are some things that might help. Music, something loud, confident, and angry. Close your eyes and just listen to the music. If you're not sure where to start listening to something like the "Pirates of the Caribbean" theme. Screaming or yelling at the top of your lungs. It triggers the fight instinct in your brain, and a surge of confidence rise within you. Exercise won't really unleash your emotions, but you will a bit better, and more alive after you've finished it. Simple things, like standing up straight, looking good in what you wear, and just telling yourself that you're strong and capable of anything. Over time these things will flow into your psyche. If you think yourself a lion you will be a lion. For procrastination, try to find the root causes of why you do it Is it that you feel like you cannot do an adequate job on the work? Is it that you do not simply enjoy the work? Is it because you are distracted by other things around you? If you want to get over procrastination, the only real way is to just sit down and do it. There's no other way to get over procrastination than that. But knowing the root of the problem will make it a bit easier to do. You are under no expectations here. The only true failure is wanting something and not trying.
  4. Day 45, Worked in the morning, got back and drove around for a bit just for fun. Wasn't going anywhere in particular, and went around the area for a little bit. It's weird seeing some of the places again. Places that I might have vague memories of. I never got lost, and I knew where I was, even though I might not really remember all the streets. Got back, did some minor stuff. Halfway through the detox, but it doesn't really feel like that tbh. I feel like it's the beginning of a lifelong change for me, not a just 90-day thing. On a serious note, I'm feeling small urges to drink and smoke weed. I don't touch the substances too much, but the thought to have the has popped into my mind a few times recently. Nothing I can't resist, but they are there.
  5. Day 44, Worked all day. One of my jobs is super easy and I get to draw half the time. Came home, ate and did something that I really can't remember what I did. Went to my other job for the remainder of the day. Got back a little while ago, had a showerbeer, and know I'm eating. There's this feeling of complacency that I get around some of my co-workers, and it scares me. They seem fine with their current existence, without really striving for anything. I fear it. That look of just going day to day, caring about the inane drama, that in the end means nothing. nothing. It seems so sad and depressing to me, like the time I wasted playing games, instead of growing as a person. Life is a struggle, and what you put in, what you suffer for goals, builds you. defines you. shapes you. We will all regret the things we didn't do in life, rather than the things we tried and failed to do. I've already made that mistake. I will never fall into a sense of complacency and stagnate again.
  6. Day 43, Finally got my drivers license this morning, passed with flying colors. Was really worried that I would do terribly, and thought I might have failed at one point. It was a completely different route than the one I had taken. But in the end, I only made 3 mistakes (you need to make 15 or less, without any critical errors, the part that tripped me up last time). I felt incredible for the rest of the day. I should have gotten it years ago, but I kept procrastinating it, and then getting pissed when I failed it and gave up, only to try again a months later. Had to drive to campus to pick up my bike that I left the night before. Felt a fucking surge go through me as for the first time I could legally drive alone. Came home, ate and did a mix of homework and art. Goofed around for a couple minutes on reddit, before catching myself and focusing on the stuff that actually matters to me. Went to work, and spent the rest of the day there. I talked to my friend, he told me not to be so hard on myself, he's right. I wish I had gone with him to community right after high school, when we both had to figure this shit out, instead of me getting sick of school and fucking around. Spent the rest of the day at work. Gonna be busy working all day tomorrow, but I'll try and get my journal done.
  7. Day 42, Long day, work to do. Gonna be really busy this weekend. I don't really feel as if I have enough time in the day, to do what I really want to do. I don't hate the work that I have to do, but I want to start to work on a really long-term project, like a comic book or something. I also wish I was a better reader as I really want to read more books. But I'm glad for the day I had, and I did enjoy it.
  8. Day 41, Normal day bit swamped with math class. It's almost been half the detox, the time has been flying by lately. I don't really feel any urges about games, and the last time I felt the urge and looked at twitch was 2 weeks ago. I might have already said this in an earlier post but this is how I feel I feel calmer and more in control of my life, I don't have as much anxiety anymore. I know what I really want to do with my life, and I am currently thinking about my plans to get there. I feel focused on my goals and dreams, and even though I have to grind for them, it's not really bad. I found some work, so I can save up some money for when I move out on my own. I've read several books, and I am going to read several more. Life seems slower in a sense, not that time doesn't fly, but that I am used to the normal dopamine usage in a clean day. I don't overeat as much anymore, and while I do find myself being eating out of stress sometimes, it's not a daily thing for me anymore. I feel a bit more social and open to people around me as well. I am on a fairly normal sleep schedule, and while I do want to go to bed a bit earlier, I'm not staying up for hours in the morning. Overall, the best change I've felt is a sense of clarity in my life that's always been missing. I still have many things I will improve about myself and my life. I will get a drivers license, and I will to meet new people, and make new friends. I will to improve my digital art and try out a few new things before on the specifications of what I want to do as a career. I want to be more productive, and efficient with my time. I will to move out and see the world, and go on a adventure. I will make more specific plans, and I will be a better conversationalist. I will be stronger and more physically fit. I will be more comfortable with going outside my comfort zone.
  9. Day 40, Most efficient day I've had in years, I didn't slack off at all. Can't claim it went perfectly, as I just had to spend an hour waiting at the bus stop. We started writing fiction today in class, and I've already got two pages done. My mind does wander a bit, and that's normal for me, but I wish I had better focus sometimes. I have been meditating every day, but sometimes I feel a little disappointed in myself as my mind does wander a lot when I do it. It helps calm me down, but I feel as though I lack focus in some of my routines. I feel like that's normal but I really only what life is like for me, so I can't really say. @hycniejsy It's more that I want those things to be secondary in my life. I do crave for relationship and friendship. For relationships, I can't see myself with a partner who I have to completely care and provide for. They can't and won't be the main focus of my life. For friends, all I really crave is companionship, but I am not going to solve their problems. I'll tell them how I feel, and my advice if they ask for it. I will not base my life on around a community of people, as I do not want that to be the main focus of my life either. @WorkInProgress Thanks!
  10. Day 39, Writing this early today again. I'm going to have a really busy weekend, and the week is a bit packed. Had a therapy session again this morning, and she gave her input and said that I have a sense of clarity about me and that I would be a great motivator or speaker. I don't have any real desire to do that, but I don't think I should just shrug off compliments. Nobody ever complimented me before, and I think it's fascinating the things other people might see about ourselves. The dialogue inside my head has always called me out, is super critical of everything I do. I have an obsessive personality which is why I binged on gaming instead of weed or booze. There was always that ambition, the flame blazing brighter than the sun inside, ready to do what needed to be done, but without a fucking clue what to do. Speaking about what other people see in us, she also said that I don't really seek out people or community. I never had that as an I kid, but I know how I feel about it now. My work, my art, and everything I create now is my life. Happiness is internal, and the only damn approval I need in this world is my own. People will come and go, relationships will blossom and whither, but what's important to me is myself. As long as I strive to improve, and better myself I can do whatever I want in this life. Without regrets, without remorse, without fear, it will be my own story and mine alone. The only person that can fix you is yourself, and even though others can help, change is only birthed by desire. I am responsible for my life, and I will never chase short-term pleasure, that would only leave me with an endless abyss where my heart should be. I'm no longer the nerdy kid, the high school burnout, the gamer failing at life, for the first time I feel alive, awake, arising, into a man. I just lost my train of thought about community, niche groups of people are always cool. But I have no desire to devote myself to an organization. Of course, I crave a sense of community and acceptance from our peers, we all do. But I am my own person, and I will always come first in my decisions, and I feel that we should all strive for that. Living for someone else is not really living at all. I'd get bored in a one-sided relationship, where I just take care of someone else, or someone else just took care of me. I don't ever want that in my life, and I hope I never will.
  11. Day 38, Busy day, worked in the morning, got back and did a bit of organization, art, homework, and laundry. Spent the rest of the day doing meal prep for the week. Had a shower beer for the first time. A bit disapointed at first, but once I got out of the shower the feeling was super nice. niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Ate too much for dinner, and I feel like passing out right now. Ready for the next week.
  12. Day 37, Busy day, I work in the mornings. Afterwards dropped off all my old books at a place that buys old books then resells them. Found some really cool books and bought them. In the end, I spent more money then I earned reselling those books, but I really don't care. Spent the rest of my time working on an illustration I am doing. That's it for me today.
  13. Day 36, The first day at the bakery, but it's just gonna be job training for this week. My bosses and managers seem nice, and the atmosphere of the place is really nice. Spen the rest of the day working on an illustration. I have one piece of homework that I need to do this week, and tbh I am procrastinating it a bit. I also need to practice my dance routine for my dance class, and I will do it later today. I've been researching men's fashion over the break, and I've redone a lot of my old wardrobe since. I haven't been spending a fortune on clothes but the change has helped my confidence a bit. I also have been spending the last hour reading this forum and the subreddit, reading stories of so many people with stories similar to mine. I'm crying a lot about it today. Nobody deserves to have their life consumed by a thirst for something. Having everything in the lives fall apart for whatever reason. Nobody deserves the feeling of just getting by day to day stuck in an endless sea of confusion and denial. But that's life uncaring, unuturing, unrelenting. I thought I was alone in this for so fucking long. I knew I had a problem for years, but I did nothing about it, but binge even more. I was reading the top reddit pages sometime this week, and there was some article about some kid who binged eleven days straight and his mom was freaking out, with a meme on the bottom saying that you gotta push those numbers up. I think it had like 35.7k upvotes or something. I only glimpsed at it but it felt disgusting to me, like giving an addict more substances, and telling them to binge even more, that will fix your problems. I actually like the feeling of crying. I numbed my emotions for so long, it feels amazing to finally feel something again. Negative emotions aren't bad, there calls for positive change in our lives. We're given so many things to avoid the skeletons in the closet. But opening the door, you find that the dread of what's inside is worse than what actually is hidden behind that closed door.
  14. Life is hard, and the feeling of constantly failing to meet your expectations can really wittle you down. But the only real failure is refusing to try, and you are hellbent on pushing through, your not a failure, and you are not broken down. You can do this.
  15. Family is the people we grow up and learn from, and it's lives way of showing what we should aspire, and not aspire to be.It sounds like you made your decision, just make sure it's the one you want. This is just my advice with, dealing with people, is to be open and honest with them. I'm not saying that you can't lie about anything, but even though the truth might hurt and be confrontational, people will always respect you more if you tell them the truth. It kinda sounds like in your first post you didn't personally want to go workout with your friend, but just kinda accepted it.
  16. Day 35, All my immediate work is done, had two test today. Failed one, aced the other. It is going to be a fairly easy weekend and for the first time in the week, I won't have many assignments to complete. Life feels like life going a bit slower lately. I don't spend as much time freaking out over things. Maybe because I am a bit calmer right now. I feel different than how I used to feel. Passion and love have re-entered my life, and I no longer feel like a zombie just existing from day to day. That doesn't mean that things are going flawlessly, or that I am finished growing as a person. I'm not. But it is a promising start, to hopefully something that will grow over the next years of my life. Things won't be easy, and I don't expect them to be, but I am hopeful and ready for the first time to embrace the future with open arms.
  17. Day, 34 Gonna make a legit attempt to go to bed as early as possible today. I remember my creative writing teacher talk about how you can be insanely productive in the morning. I want to try and wake up at 3-4 in the morning and work on studying for tomorrows test and quiz. I slept in today and had a hard time getting out of bed. I wasn't late or anything, but it did make me feel kinda shitty that I lost two hours. It's not like I'm getting no sleep either, but I feel like I just want more time in each day to do things. (I usually get around 7 hours, but I slept in two hours later). Nothing else really interesting happened today.
  18. Day 33, I'm writing this really early today, as I have been fairly busy all day. I've found myself incessantly planning and trying to finish all work ahead of time. The exact opposite of what I used to do. I just want to relax sometimes, but I feel obligated to try to do as much as I can. I dunno if this is good. My thoughts are all about plans and schedules trying to fit everything in. Sometimes I feel as though it's all a bit artificial. Anyways, the days not quite over yet, and I feel like sitting back right now. @BigOlBeartic That's something I feel that almost everyone has a problem with. It's hard for me when the topics are about something I know very little about. I took a public speaking class, that I have to retake, and in my experience, that class is all about being the center of attention. That's good if you have to be the center of attention, but useless if you want to just be a better conversationalist.
  19. Congratulations on your exams!
  20. Welcome to the forum, Feel free to vent, rage, and whatever you need to do to cope. Some things that might help, One thing that may help is doing your best to remove yourself from temptations. You don't have to do anything drastic like getting rid of your computer, but make sure all your games are uninstalled is a good first step. I'm personally in community and most of my work on campus, I don't know what the situation is with the library, but I found that staying in a study environment helps me focus more. It sounds like you really love and care about your wife, talk to her about, and that you have a problem. Having emotional support can really mean a lot in your life. Change might seem scary and hard, but you can do this!
  21. Day 32, Had to wake up early, I had a therapy session today. Accidently set my alarm clock for pm instead of am, but still got up a little later. The offices were closed a bit later than usual, so I talked with my therapist for a little bit until the offices opened. She's basically doing an internship as apart of her training, so I'm technically not talking to a liscensed therapist. Read while I waited, before the session. She actually said in the session that in the conversation that we had before that I seemed genuine, and that I was a good conversationalist. It's the first time someone has told me that, so that means that I'm getting better with people. I still have problems in group conversations where the topic is something unfamiliar, but its good to know that I'm getting better. The rest of the day I mostly focused on the work in front of me. When I got home I was playing music on youtube, when I saw a gaming related video appear that I kinda wanted to watch. I watched it for a couple minutes, before realizing how pointless it seemed. Some part of me is still attracted to that, another part of me is absolutely revolted by it. I want to get up early tomorrow as well, so I'm writing this a bit early today. No venting about stuff today.
  22. Day 31, One month since I last played, and while it hasn't been easy some days, something long dormant within me sparked. For the first time, I am taking control in my life, instead of wasting my time with escapism habits. I still have a long way to go, but this is the first crack of dawn after years of pitch black night. Taking a look at myself, and finally taking a hard look at myself, and for the first time understanding, myself has been my greatest achievement. I wonder sometimes how things would have turned out if I hadn't have fucked up as badly as I did. Would I chase money, stuff, sex, comfort, thinking that those things alone would make me happy? Or would I grow up and realize what I wanted all along was so much simpler. Or would I just drop out and turn to booze to solve my problems? I don't quite know what would happen. Maybe fucking up, and making bad decisions is all apart of growing up. Had a job interview at a bakery this morning, had to pass an alcohol service test for my new job (it's just a course online, that you can't really fail). Then proceeded to draw a bit. Had to find my food handlers card, and ended up cleaning out a couple shelves. Ended up finding a bunch of old schoolwork from when I was a kid. It's funny, looking back, how much potential I had as a kid, and how happy I was at one point in my life. Then I changed schools for the third time, and something inside me broke, something that I've never been able to repair. I don't know what it is, maybe it's just youthful bliss, maybe it's when I felt accepted and a part of something, or maybe I was just happy. Since then I felt that I was just being thrown around by the world, without any real sense of control. What the fuck happened to me? Was it just puberty? Was the sense of feeling like an outcast wherever I went? Was it years of sadness that took over my life? Was it the bullying I received at the next school I went too? Was it me losing the trust of my parents and every adult around me? Was it being around friends for a few years then moving apart? Was it because nobody really talked to me? I squandered it all when I turned 15. I was already pushed to my limits by my family, and I felt that I had to conform to something that I did not even enjoy. I was so sick of it, every god damn second, every tick of the clock, every piece of sand falling through the hourglass. Why the fuck would I care about my future, if every second of my life was a thousand tragedies all happening at once. I already suffered from shyness and social anxiety. My friends were more acquaintances that I just hung out with, not because we weren't close, but that I did not try to be. I felt pressured in school to perform things that I did not enjoy. So I stopped caring and started gaming. From dawn to dusk, from time to thoughts. It eased the pain, pulled my thoughts away from self-harm. It allowed me to escape reality, and I enjoyed it. I was dead inside, a zombie wearing humans hide. Part of me for years had died. I even thought about suicide. I continued to live a lie. Soon fate will decide. I just went on a fucking tangent, my bad. So the rest of my day went uh... all right?
  23. Deleting your steam account is definitely the hardest part, but you've done it already. Congratulations! You might feel a bit uncertain about the decision now, but it gets easier over time.
  24. Day 28,29,30 It's been 2 days since I last posted, honestly just go lazy Thursday, and some error pop up yesterday. Trying to be consistent about this but I've been messing around in the past couple days. Thursday was a blur and Friday I woke up with another anxiety attack, watched a stream and didn't really want to get out of bed until later. I fucked up, I've been doing my best to avoid them since I quit and focus on other things instead, but I do find myself seeing something that reminds of games, and it sparks a bit of curiosity. I think I mentioned a girl a couple posts ago. We talked earlier this week, and she said that we should get lunch sometime. I didn't want to seem overeager, so I said "sure I'll let you know" and I'm doing my best not get too attached, and come out as desperate. I know getting in a relationship won't magically solve my problems, and that I shouldn't be clingy. Today I started as the receptionist at the barber shop for the first time. It was a slow day which was nice, as I had time to learn the ropes. It's a really low key job so I have some downtime, to doodle and read. It's only every other Saturday, so I have some more interviews later. Not looking to overload myself with work, but look for a distraction over the weekends. All my friends IRL, have moved away and are doing other things with their lives, so it's kinda tough for me right now. Most people at community are only really there for class, so it's tough to make close friends. It's funny last week I listened to the subtle art of not giving a fuck, and a guide to unfuck yourself and it came across with a point that I had known my whole life but stopped understanding as I got older, until now. All I ever wanted in life was a girl that loves me, and to make something that I am proud of. I've always known that since I was a kid, but all the pressures around me made me think, I that I had to get a high paying job, cure cancer, and live in a mansion on the hill. I don't want any of those things, and I never have. I just thought I wanted that because of all the outside influences in my life. In short, I'm alive, and not much is happening right now. @BigOlBearticI used to do it a lot as a kid, until around the start of high school. I've picked up a pencil in the last couple months, and I really enjoy it. I am moving on to digital art, and I am currently trying to learn illustration, and it's definitely hard since all I did before was line art. I know for sure that I'm going in the creative field and that I am going to write a comic someday.
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