MPieterse

Day 69, The anxiety isn't as bad. Not living ideally, but that's okay. I'm going to focus on small improvements at a time rather than overburden myself trying to do everything at once. While I feel like I still am making up for lost time, these things do take some time. I'm so worried about trying to climb the mountain and making it to the top that I'm forgetting to put my shoes on. Confidence has transfused into my blood; anxiety has turned into the thrill of the fight. I'm ready for reality and all it has to offer. I'm ready to try, and if I fail, I'll try again. Things won't go to plan. I'll make mistakes. I'll be beaten up. I'll get up and I'll punch back.

Day 68, I'm stressed out. I feel like there's a physical weight on my shoulders. I've told my therapist how I feel like my transition into maturity happened over a couple months. About my plans for the future. About how I need backup plans this time. How I need to be ready for the future. About how I feel the urge to break every bone in body constantly to make up for all the time I have lost. About how this is the only life I got, and I need to spend every ounce of my soul to chase the things that matter to me. How all the uncertainty terrifies me to the bone. She told me that the journey matters more than the destination and that I shouldn't beat myself up over the choices I've made. I'm listening to music and writing this to de-stress myself. I'm more relaxed right now. Just stuff I need to get out of my head. I also find myself returning to old childhood self before I got sent around to a bunch of schools. I'm starting to get annoyed with customers where I work (I still do my job and put on a smile, I'm not gonna get fired for it), or the occasional bad driver. I know that they don't deserve it, and I don't deserve to get ticked over it. I find myself constantly reminding myself to calm down, and relax.

Day 67, Total honesty I've caught myself looking at twitch the past two days. I feel nostalgic sometimes. A tie when life was simpler. I am terrified of all the uncertainty in life. The day went by alright.

Why not just have a game quitters logo with, real life is the only life you have

Day 65, I limited 50 minutes in the morning messing around browsing the internet. Decided that it's best that I slowly reduce the amount of time online, rather than just outright quit, it'll be easier. Spent the rest of my day drawing, and doing HW. Went to work, and we finished cleaning up early. Some kid wrote on her coloring book, this is for the people who work here. It made me smile, even though they made the table a mess. I thought it was adorable, and that's not a thought that has run through my head in a long time. That brief moment is refreshing after all the shit that I went through and going through. Waking up from three years of depression and addiction, to find myself a man with responsibilities, with no real skills, the feeling of wasting my life, with few people in his life, giving up something he loved as a kid, and trying his damn hardest to make something of himself. It's insane. I just realized what I've done. I quit doing something that used to bring me such happiness and joy as a child. Something that I devoted my life too. How I shed that inner child, to finally grow up. Of course, I'm nostalgic sometimes. My transition to becoming an adult happened in a few months, how could I not.

Day 64, Messed around for 3 hours this morning doing nothing productive, because I didn't want to get out of bed. I'm annoyed with myself. Joined NoFap, I want to be done wasting my time looking at porn. Did my work, went to work. Decided that I'm going to art school. It's been gnawing at me, what I want to do for the rest of life, and I know that if I don't go, and go for an easier, more lucrative career, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. The decision has been made.

Welcome!

Day 63, Went through my day as usual. I feel way more social and comfortable around other people. I'm doing fairly well in school. Seeing my friend this weekend. There's a girl who I like, and she probably feels the same way. I have some free time to do other hobbies. My life, while not perfect, is going pretty decently.

Day 62, Alive and stuff. Functional somehow. Something like that. I'm gonna be alright. I'm worried about small stuff. It's a good sign. Trying to make plans for the future.

Day 61, I'm doing alright? I think so. I'm drunk. Really don't want to bother anyone with my problems. I'm a fucking weirdo for the first time is okay with my own insanity. I've been holding off this question for so fucking long. And I'm okay with it. Life is confusing. Maybe I can only talk about these things when I'm drunk. Life is weird. I'm glad that I quit playing video games. I went to the archery range today since my last class got canceled. Guess I'm dealing with my own shit now. Maybe I can only talk about these things when I'm drunk. Maybe I'm not afraid or weirded out by who I really am. In a few weeks, I'm gonna be 22. Soon I'm gonna be 30. I need to prepared. Am I freaking out about stuff? Absolutely. I have to be an adult now. Things are so weird. That's last nights drunk post, forgot hit submit reply.

Day 60, I had the first day off in weeks. Wanted to go see my friend in Santa Cruz, but he told me last minute that he was busy. I decided to go to Pinnacles National Park and go for a hike. I went through the caves, and then on top of the mountain. Ice started to fall down when I started climbing. I remember standing on the top surveying what I had just done. It was a sense of accomplishment, but at the same time, I felt jaded. So much of my life has been a blur, and I still feel like it is. I just got back and I'm tired.

Day 59, Surfed the web for an hour because I didn't really want to get up. Felt bad afterward, then proceded to work on homework, then draw, and do some meal prep, then work. Some of my co-workers think I'm some sort of party boy. It's kinda weird telling them that I'm pretty tame now and that I don't play video games or only smoke pot on occasion. I feel like I'm being really hard on myself every day, but there's no way in hell I'm stopping.

Day 58, Worked 10.5 hours today. I'm tired. Had to go grocery shopping in the middle of the day. It's funny walking through the aisle, free to choose whatever I want, but at the same time, I see all these unhealthy foods that will only give me momentary pleasure, before I feel like shit for eating them. I want to try to eat healthier, but at the same time, I don't want to spend my time cooking. Not because I can't, I've actually worked in a kitchen before, but there are other things I want to do. I've also been stress eating a lot lately, I feel like I should be exercising more. I'll survive somehow.

Day 57, Busy with stuff. I'll live. I have a lot of things to do now, it's hard to find a bit of time off. Trying to make some long terms plans. Making a list of places I want to travel too. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. I'm not content with everything going on right now. I want to read more, I want to draw more, and I want to get more exercise. But I only have so many hours in the day, and I need to vary my activities so I don't go insane.

Day 56, Midterms could have done better but they're done. Also went to blood drive today, and dressed up in a vampire cloak just for kicks. I am both mentally and physically tired today, but I have a day off on Monday. I'm trying to see if my friends off so we can hang out. Saturday I'm working for around 11 hours. Man, it's fucking tough trying to grow up and be an adult.

Day 55, Tired. Got back from the archery range, and I shot the heaviest bow, just because I wanted to push myself. I'm really tired right now, trying to get all the stress out of my mind. Still a bit of work to-do, but I'm almost done. Trying to get things off my mind.

Day 54, Went through my day. Busy as I've got midterms this week. But I can do it, might lose some sleep, but I can do this. I've also found myself a bit tired lately. I've been getting enough sleep (8-9) hours, but I still feel as tired a lot. Not sure if I'm not eating enough in the morning, or if it's all the stress I've been putting on myself. I don't even have a day off anymore, I just have hours free in the day. Gonna go to the archery range tomorrow, as it's actually open, and I have the time. I need to do something different right now.

Day 53, I actually have a lot of work I need to finish, and some important tests coming up. I've been slightly neglecting my schoolwork as while I do not hate it, I personally have things I want to do that seem more important for me right now. Next two weeks are going to be rather busy for me, and I have to finish all the work I have to do even though this is a fairly easy semester. The archery range is closed today, probably should have looked beforehand, but my phone has been having issues. I've started to notice that my self-esteem has been pretty low for awhile. I don't think highly of myself, and I've always been really hard on myself. I am better than I think, I know that now. @Hitaru I know what you mean, the hobbies that currently take up of my time are things I find interesting and enjoyable. But part of the problem is that I have expectations of myself to be better at them. It's just the feeling of making up for lost time I guess. Things are a bit calmer for me right now, but there's still a weight on my shoulders to improve.

Day 52, Since I've quit, I have this insane drive that I have to fix every element of life. It's this obsession with getting my life back on track, and it causing me a lot of stress. A couple weeks ago I felt that I couldn't even watch a movie because it was just a waste of time. I've been devoting all my energy to try to fix every little thing wrong with my situation and it's stressful. I'm not going to stop, but at the same time, I need to have some new hobbies to vary my lifestyle up a bit. My mind has turned into a literal checklist, and it puts so much effort into trying to fix things, it becomes unhealthy obsessed to a point where I can't even relax when I don't know what to do. I've found myself just driving around, stuck in my thoughts. I'm going to archery range tomorrow after I get done. I've also thought about looking into taking voice lessons as well.

Day 50, Decided that I need to be more outgoing in life. While I am content not playing games, and I find myself with enough to do, I feel like I could go out way more often. I also know how fucking stupid this whole thing is with that girl. I need to do other things to do, and since I have a bit of income now, I can afford to mess around. I also made an Instagram to put down my drawings. Found an event to go to tomorrow, called second Halloween. It's a Halloween party instead of a valentines one. I grabbed a costume this morning, and I, unfortunately, have to wake up early because I had to change shifts. I'm gonna be really tired tomorrow, but it's gonna be a really fun day. Probably won't make a journal entry tomorrow, just too busy, and when I get home, I just wanna sleep.

Day 49, Spent the whole day on campus. Did my work, went to class, and was relatively focused. @WorkInProgress Interesting stuff, I'll check out some more of his work.

There is no real miracle solution that will fix the problem overnight. Unfortunately, the only real way to make daily habits is to just make them "daily habits" and over time, you will start to do them instinctively. Don't beat yourself up thinking that you'll be a superhero tomorrow with 100 healthy daily habits that will be set in stone for the rest of your life. For me personally, I only have a four real daily habits. (Meditate, Read, Draw, Exercise), but I make sure to do them every day. That said things like a to-do list, and alarms do help. Don't stress yourself out trying to change every little bit of yourself overnight. Start small, grow over time. I've also found the once I quit gaming for a while, and started meditating, I was a lot calmer, and life got a bit slower. Take a breath, and remember your alive, healthy, and that your worries aren't really that bad.

Day 48, Kinda realize how stupid I've been acting lately. I ended driving around after that last post yesterday and ended up lost. Got home with my phone, I ended up just driving around for two hours to calm myself down. I sent her a message, she said she had an emergency. I took it at face value and went to bed. Ran into her today, and just told her to message me whenever she's free. I've been obsessing over this, and I am painfully aware that I am. That's just how my personality is, it's why I got hooked on video games, not drugs, or alcohol. I've been acting loopy a bit today, just thinking about how I am getting a bit too attached to her, and how I'm thinking too much about her, and that I shouldn't be getting this emotional over her. To get all that shit out of my system, I went to the weight room and exercised a bit. Got back in my car, and drove home. I ended up sitting in the driveway for two hours, just thinking about everything. A thought entered my head, and I felt stupid. I thought of grandpa, who at my age was in world war 2. He smuggled a jew out of the country. He risked his life, in a time of conflict and peril. Where famine and war were common, where his country was ravaged. Those were real problems, and here I am upset that a girl stood me up the night prior. How fucking and stupid my feelings and struggles are. And then the thought of my life, and my compliance too it. An urge for something more popped up. Something like being a doctor in a war zone. There's something about being near death, that really makes you appreciate being alive. Another thought, about how pointless life is has come up again. I felt this feeling before when I was 15. Why should I try? What's the point of everything? I am being guided through life, but for what means? In reality, I am free to choose my own path. I can strive to achieve anything I want. But there is no higher power, no divine rule, no world savior quest to perform. In a sense, the freedom of life leaves with a feeling of emptiness. A sense that the same freedom, that unshackles our lives from the toils of survival, also bring with them a sense of emptiness. I would willingly take all the burdens of the world if it provided me with a sense of purpose and desire. But these revelations, and desires leave me feeling a bit empty. Like a pixel in a tv, like a grain of sand on the beach, like a needle in a haystack. Is that the feeling of emptiness that we all feel inside? The sense that life doesn't really some great purpose or destiny for us? A sense that our lives are just plain insignificant. I sound like a fucking nihilist. I should accept this, there is no escape from it. I've spent the last couple years living with this feeling. I gave up because I didn't see any purpose in life. Gaming gave me a sense of purpose and identity, but it was all a myth. My god, I need to stop, I sound like a philosopher.

For managing commitments the following things might help. Focus on creating habits for your day to day activities. - Start small, do little things, such as taking 10 minutes out of your day to read a book, or meditate. - Do it every single day (if you mess up and miss one day just make sure to do again tomorrow, missing one day isn't that big of a deal) - Internalize it, so it's always in the back of your mind. In the beginning, it's good to have a to-do list for the day if it helps you remember.

Day 47, Honestly slightly annoyed right now. Normal day was supposed to meet a girl later on, but she didn't show up. Waited around for half and hour before leaving. Debated and brooded over what to do next. And honestly, the best solution is nothing. I'm not going to send an angry message to her, I'm not going to ignore her, I'm just going to relax about it. Part of me is slightly mad, that she didn't message me telling me that she couldn't make it. This kind of shit has happened to me once before, and I think doing nothing is the best way of dealing with it. She might have a legitimate reason for not being able to come today. In the back of my mind, it was always a possibility that I knew might happen. I know that I feel really frustrated right now, and I'm not going to do anything stupid because of my emotions. This stinging feeling will pass in time. Needed to vent a bit, otherwise, it was just a normal day for me.