RyanGQ

DAY FORTY THREE (HABITS DAY 3) Morning Ritual - Check. Reading - Check; read two more chapters of "The Way of Men". It's getting a bit more interesting towards the end. I'm thinking about starting some sort of personal book journal to record the information that I'm taking out of these books so that I don't just blow through them and forget everything. I'm only on my third book this month, but one of them was short and the other I'm being forced to reexamine for school anyways, and the next book I plan on reading is fiction (and it's a longer one - 608 pages), so we'll see if I get to that when I finish up these couple books and get another haul in. Hitting up Friends - Check. Homework - About to get on it. Writing (by Monday) - Check. Jogging - Hard ass leg workout today in the gym. Squats, split squats, extension machine, RDL's, abs. NoFap / NoPorn - Still check. Gonna see how long I can go on the masturbation front, but I'm gonna commit to not looking at porn whatsoever. I'm gonna small chunk it. A week without indulgence is my goal for now, but I think that's the longest I've ever gone. It's weird to think that having hit puberty when I was in 4th grade (I was probably around 9 years old), my fap count is probably somewhere in the quadruple digits by now. Anyways, what's going on? I've got my SAT in 2 days, and I'm managing to scrape by with homework and grades and stuff. Right now, things aren't "up to snuff" grade-wise, I had a couple of blunders. But the beginning of the year is always where I fuck up, and I usually take it back by the end. I'm doing better in history than I was last semester by a long shot, I still have a 100 in math but I have some work to do tonight to keep that grade there, physics is pretty rough right now but I'm not failing (I think I've got a B), language arts is going to be tough but I've gotten ahead on reading and vocab studying so all I really have to work on is my essay writing and projects. For some reason I got a 75 for weight training last week, but over time, you always end up with an A in that class as long as you show up and show progress. I also had a blunder on a finance test - got a C on it. I'm gonna pull it all back though. If anything I'm more committed than I've ever been so I've got my hopes up, I just need to prioritize very carefully. Tomorrow I'm going to be heading out to Athens after school to visit my sister, and then come home and grind study for my SAT on Saturday. Even if I don't do good on my SAT, I'm also going to be taking the redesigned version of it in two to three months as well, so I'm viewing this one as more of a precursor to what's going to be on the next one, which I'll almost definitely do better on. This upcoming Monday there's going to be a party at my friend's work, which is most likely going to be very, VERY lit, so I'm going to see if I can make it out to that too. That's really all that's been up. Anyways, I've gotta get on this homework and finish up what I need to finish for tomorrow. TGIF and peace out. END.

YO! Sick to see we have another dude coming here. I'm about halfway done with the detox. Some advice for your cravings: 1. Make it VERY CLEAR to your friends what you're doing. Don't let them berrate you about it. Don't try to change them, but don't allow them to try to knock you back into bad habits. Coincidentally, showing them that you've quit gaming and then improving drastically on your life is the best way to make them shut up about it. I'm just now starting to see this happen to me, and it's great. They'll give up trying to convince you after a while. 2. If you see "picutures, screenshots, wallpapers, or w/e from games", you're either A) Hanging around the wrong places, or B) You're doing something wrong. If you haven't already deleted these, as well as all of your games and your steam launcher / origin / blizzard programs, DO IT. It'll make it harder for you to look back. It took me a couple solid hours to delete everything game related on my computer. Just the thought of getting it all back is daunting enough to make me not even think about it (not that I want to). 3. Write your progress down in here as much as you can (you can check out my journal to see how I do it, but you can do it however you want). Posting your daily musings on the forum and reaching out with personal dilemmas and feelings to the people on here holds you accountable and almost forces you, in a way, to hold yourself up to that higher standard. The people on here are also super supportive, so don't be afraid to reach out. Also, sick to hear about your internet marketing thing. Keep working at it!

DAY FORTY TWO (HABITS DAY 2) Morning Ritual - Check. Reading - Check (read all the way to page 87 of "The Way of Men" by Jack Donovan - very interesting read on the objective view of masculinity) Hitting up Friends - Check. Homework - yeah pretty much check. Writing (by Monday) - Check. Jogging - I worked out today, but I didn't jog. It was raining outside all day and it's like 10 degrees, plus I got leg day tomorrow anyways (and I skipped yesterday because I was sick) so I'm gonna hit it hard tomorrow. NoFap / NoPorn (starting today) - Had one last wank, we'll see how it goes from here. I'm trying to get my libido back and I heard that nofap was a good way to do that. I was planning on talking to this one girl after class today but she got out the door and I lost her before I got the chance. We'll see how that goes too. Well I already read it, I've got to say it was pretty interesting. I don't know if I picked up on all of the metaphorical nuances that are apparently in the book in relation to things like business and such, but it was a quick read anyways. I'm letting a friend borrow it for now.

DAY FORTY ONE (HABITS DAY 1) Morning Ritual - Check. Reading - Check (read "The Art of War" - around 45 pages). Hitting up friends - Check. Homework - Doing it as soon as I'm done writing this. Writing this week - Check. Jogging - Not today. I felt really sick today, I got checked out from school. I worked out yesterday pretty good so I'm taking a breather today. Plus, it's like 10 degrees outside. No thanks. Anyways, I'm on skype with a friend. Short post, but not much to say. Peace. END. Three things I'm thankful for: My mousepad, orange juice, and artwork. One thing I need to improve on: my diet.

DAY THIRTY SEVEN THROUGH FORTY So a lot's been going on. I read over a hundred pages of my reading book this weekend (and finished it), and I'm about to do some more reading out of my history textbook to study before I got to sleep. I got out of the house to go grocery shopping with my mom, hit up a couple friends to talk over the weekend, I worked out today, I've been eating healthier, and I'm ready for school tomorrow (got my clothes picked out and everything). Most importantly, I started writing in my journal again. I had been avoiding it for a long ass time, but I finally got to it. The update that I put in there took me Saturday as well as tonight to finish, but I got it done. 26 pages in only two writing sessions (over 8,000 words), which isn't too bad. Most of it was just commentary and updates over what has happened since January 23, so a lot of the text in there was just copied and pasted from blog posts for context, but I went back through everything that I've written here on the blog, commentated over it, and have given myself a clarified perspective on what I've been going through with my relationship drama and the changes I'm trying to make. Something that I learned through reading my posts was that: 1) I tried to move on from my relationship WAY too fucking quickly. Jesus Christ, I was thinking about trying to get a rebound less than a week after my breakup. What was I THINKING? Well, obviously, I wasn't thinking clearly, given everything that had happened, but looking back on it, I needed WAY more time to get over that. 2) I try to force change too quickly and end up dibble dabbling in things. No more of that. In my defense, I was planning on starting the habit challenges starting on this Tuesday (tomorrow) because given a more strict time schedule (in which I'm forced to wake up and work out for school) it seemed like more of an appropriate time to start this whole new journey. So starting tomorrow, I'm gonna start getting that ball rolling, believe it. Crazy to think it's already been forty days since I stopped playing video games. But I'm trying to think of it more in the way of how Cam was talking in his last video, about not focusing on the "not playing games" part and focusing more on actually changing more in your life. It's slow, but it's the little .01% changes that add up over time that make the difference. I read one of Mark Manson's posts about creating habits and the investing mindset, and that's what I've been trying to focus on. It's not about what you're getting or what you've gotten, it's about who you're becoming. You get what you deserve; who you are determines what you'll get in the long run. I don't know how to put this into words in a very cohesive fashion, but I hope whoever's reading get's the gist of it. So yeah, that's that. I also worked on an art piece for me and my friend's sort of joke "mixtape" that we're making. It's a work in progress, but I think I've got a pretty decent outline for what we want. He's gonna start on his own and then we're gonna combine ideas, so I'll talk to him tomorrow about that. I've decided to just do it the traditional route and just track it in here. Too much to focus on dealing with an app and the journal all at once, plus I've been trying to avoid using my phone as much as possible. I, as well as most of my generation, tend to use it as a crutch for boredom. It's like a heroin needle to some of these kids, man. I find that I can be too easily distracted when I'm constantly checking it, so I try to put it away whenever I don't absolutely need it. Removing apps like ifunny, reddit, and all of my mobile games has definitely had a positive impact on that though. You're right. I've got to think about it like that. In fact, I was watching a video from some of the RSD instructors (self development / dating coach guys) who made a video together with a theme like that (had Brandon Carter, James Swanwick, and Glenn in it, you might have heard of them maybe). They talked about how a lot of your success it depended on how you view things. Like, maybe, for instance, if you're not the best looking guy, and you come from a lower class family, the hardships that you go through when you're younger will turn you into a much more interesting and driven person when you're older. But even if that's not true, and it really is just better to be the 6 foot 7 supermodel jock with a huge cock and a billionaire Bugatti, how does crying about me NOT having any of that help me? It simply doesn't. Perpetuating negativity does nothing. That's something I'm trying to get better at. Thanks for this, it's what I needed to hear. The way I see it is that no matter how "bad" it turns out, it can't really turn out "that bad". In America, as long as you don't end up a crack addict or too lazy to work a job (as long as you don't end up pumping out 10 kids you can't pay for), you can at least make it by in a trailer or something. And even if the next 5 or so years of my life have to be half taken up by schooling and the other half taken up by working, it'll still leave me with a degree and little to no debt if I play my cards right. Anyways, that's it for now. Thanks for everything guys! Peace. END.

DAY THIRTY FOUR THROUGH THIRTY SIX It's Thursday, January 14, 2016. This week has gone by in a really strange fashion. I think sleep deprivation has been a factor in that; my concentration during my waking hours during school has been abysmal, and my consciousness seems to give out at soon as I see my bed when I get home. It's a vicious cycle of staying up late because I can't sleep, hardly managing to stay awake in class because I'm so tired, instantly crashing when I'm at home around 5-6:00pm, and then repeating the cycle. I think today went a bit differently though, so I'm glad about that. This week also feels really, really drawn out, since we only had a three day week last week. The workload just keeps piling up and I don't know where to start. My rallying call is, "I'll just catch up on the weekend", yet low and behold, the weekend flies by and I have no explanation and seemingly no memory of what the hell I did. Anyways, despite feeling half alive and depressed as of late, I think I'm going to turn it around starting tomorrow. I've managed to keep my grades thus far decent enough to not have to worry too much about the make-up grind, but I know I could be doing better if I got my shit together. I don't know why, but I just felt really sad today. Kinda lonely in a sense. It's weird. Like something just isn't adding up. Maybe that's just what it means to be a teenager: feeling strangely shitty sometimes for no reason. When I think about it, nothing really happened per say. I guess I'll just sleep it off. Tomorrow is seemingly going to be a good day. I don't believe I have anything of too much importance in history, we're apparently watching a movie in math class, physics is going to be more note-taking, language arts is going to be a bitch (but I can take that), weight training always makes me feel better, and then lunch with my friends and finance is always a relief from all of the hard pressing stuff I've got going on early in the day. I guess I got a lucky schedule: I get to drone though all of the hard classes first and then finish off with physical activities, socializing, and learning about something that I'm interested in. On a side note, we're also planning a field trip between the language arts classes to go see some sort of play / performance in March, which should be fun. We'll see how that goes in time. As far as friends go, I've still been trying to keep in contact with them. Most of them are just as busy as me, some of them have been pissing me off, and unfortunately but not to my surprise, my friend who's been dealing with depression hasn't gotten back to me. I figure though, if he wants to chat, he'll hit me up. It's not like he didn't get my text. I'm not going to force him out of his house if he really doesn't want to. One of my friends and I have been starting to formulate plans into starting a musical project together. Something just for fun, but we'll see where it takes us. We've gotten an offer to have it somewhat "produced" by this one kid that we're both kind of friends with, but I don't know if I'm so keen on that. He's this kid that I have to sit with in Language Arts, and despite being an honest and upfront guy, he isn't very socially savvy and gets on my nerves a LOT. Especially when he keeps pressing me about my relationship with my ex; as if he doesn't know that meaning of a "touchy subject". It's a pain in the ass to think about anything past school work though. Taking all gifted and AP classes takes up a lot of time. It's apparently all about the "pay out". Sacrifice your childhood freedom to take ass-loads of tests and cram TONS of useless information into your head, so that you can say that you're smarter than everybody else, so that you can get into a "good college" (which will run your bank account into the fucking grave for the next decade IF YOU'RE LUCKY), so that you can work your ass off some more, so that maybe in your 30's, you'll have a "nice life". As you can probably tell if you're reading this, staying positive sucks sometimes. But it's not like I have a choice in the matter anyways. My mom won't take anything less than straight A's, and despite almost achieving that in what has been by far my hardest year of school in my life, she still believes that I'm a fucking moron and insists with great conviction that I'm going to do shit on my SAT on the 23rd. It's silly taking criticism from someone who's basically either tipsy or flat out wasted just about every time I see her, but it's annoying nonetheless having such an anchor on my mood in my household that I'm supposed to, out of the unwritten laws of human ethics and the universe, love unconditionally. That's another thing: this three day weekend I've got going for me? Gone. With all of the work I've got to do, I completely forgot that my SAT test is just over a week away. I've got the study packet to do, so my entire weekend schedule planning has gone out the window in preparation to dive head first into that, after everything else. And by everything else, I also mean finishing reading just under three chapters of my history textbook in preparation for the test on the day we come back (because I know how much shit I'll be getting myself into if I fail to put 150% of my effort into that class this time around), finishing reading "Nickel and Dimed", a book that I thoroughly enjoy reading and plan on finishing tomorrow if I can help it, and then working on the discussion questions for our group Socratic seminar on it AND the major novel book report (which last semester over "Angela's Ashes" ended up at just over 11 pages and 5,000 words). I've also got to work on a practice re-write for an essay that I wrote on individuality vs. nationalism that ended up reading like it was written by a retarded goldfish, and then some. So yeah. Here's to being a busy bee. Sorry MLK, I'll have to celebrate your sacrifice some other time. As far as talking to the LAY-DEEES (shoutout Bill Burr), I've decided that while I may have some sort of urge to "get back out there", it'll be better in the long run for me to give it a rest and recenter my focus back onto my own self development and getting back into a positive head space. I'm in no position to go jump into someone else's life, because if I did that at this point I'd feel like I was using them. In fact, just that line of reasoning is toxic on its own: "jump into someone else's life". A relationship should be about two people sharing their lives together, not one person leaching off of the other to replace the emotions lost by the absence of a past partner. The only pressing issue when it comes to this is that I feel the clock ticking. I've only got so much more time left before I'm legally an adult, and only so much more time left in high school as it is. I don't wanna miss any opportunities, you know? I figure if I'm not looking for anything serious, what's the harm? It'd probably be good for me if it's all coming from the frame of just being social. Once again, getting ahead of myself, I know. I should take my sister's advice and just take everything one day at a time, until I'm at a place where I feel at peace with myself and my environment. I'm hoping to hang out with her sometime soon. Being the younger sibling comes with its drawbacks, but having someone to lean on that acts as a role model in place of my shitty parents is a blessing in itself. Having that said sibling be a girl is a plus too - IDK if I'd want to have an older brother. Maybe a younger brother, but not an older one. Maybe that's just out of a masculine desire to lead those who are on an earlier path than us. I've often thought if I ever had a kid, I'd want a son (at least the first one). So I'm gonna bum it out tomorrow, take it easy during the school day, and then get straight to grinding when I get home. Finishing that book is going to be the first objective, and maybe if I finish everything, I might even be able to start on another. Before I end this long, lengthy rant, that I swear to god I didn't intend to be this long, I need to make an assertion about myself: in order for me to really get my life on track, I need to start seeing MEASURABLE growth. The thing I've learned about myself is that I dabble in a lot of good habits, but I don't keep track of them often enough. I don't record my progress for long enough for them to become a serious habit, and I end up shutting off everything in my life at the first sign of depression. A cheat day turns into a 4 month long cheat frenzy, etc. So from now on, I'm going to make it a point to update this journal with a separate post EVERY SINGLE DAY, starting tomorrow. I'll either do it independently from major updates, or just throw them in on the bottom, and it's going to be to track my progress in different habits that I'm going to be trying to set up. As for the starting list of shit I want to change in my life, here's my first couple of HABITS: 1. Completing the morning ritual, which includes waking up on time, doing chores, meditation, and other things, to get my days started off productively (now that I think about it, it's time to revise this bitch). 2. Jogging around the block 5 laps per day, to stay fit and get fresh air. 3. Reading at least 20 pages per day of whatever I'm reading, to keep my mind sharp and learn about things I'm actually interested in. 4. Getting in touch with at least one person a day, to stay sane. 5. (Here's the big one) - DOING MY HOMEWORK AS SOON AS I GET HOME INSTEAD OF PROCRASTINATING, before I end up resorting to coke or 5 hour energy to stay awake. 6. Writing in my personal journal at least once a week to vent my feelings (which I've been avoiding by using this forum for some time). And this is just the start. I'm going to be doing a 30 day challenge for these 5 habits, which will end on day 66 of the no-game challenge. Keep in mind, I'm not quitting these after 30 days, and will continue to keep track of them, but it's just to put emphasis on these 5 things specifically. After 30 days, heading towards day 96 of this no gaming challenge, I'll be adding five more new habits to work on. Some of what I had in mind would include: Going on a serious diet, which I've avoided for a long time, because my supply of food comes strictly from my mother, who never buys healthy food, because she doesn't believe that I'd actually eat it. Taking vitamin / nutritional supplements daily to stay healthier (including protein shakes that i used to take on a regular basis), which I've avoided because I know little about nutrition and I heard that shit's expensive. Playing chess on a regular basis, which I've avoided because I'm not exactly sure where to join (and I'm not going to online chess because I'd get lost in it just like with video games). Yoga, which I've avoided because I don't even know where to start and I don't exactly know what it really is to be honest. Learning computer programming, which I've avoided because on top of school it just felt like taking another class. Starting my own meth lab - JK, just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. Looking more into taking care of my appearance and style, which I just don't have the resources (FUEL UNITS) to explore with right now. And more to come as I get some better ideas. Anyways, expect this to start tomorrow. I need some REAL SLEEP tonight. 12:00pm is cutting it too close and I've already been writing for over an hour. I'm not gonna go back to edit this, lol. Three things I'm thankful for: having a sort-of nice view out my window, the upcoming spring season where everything is going to look beautiful, and 4G data that makes it possible to listen to music wherever I am. One thing I need to work on: getting this whole habit thing up and running. I've attempted something like this in the past, but having it be on my own motivation, I didn't have anybody kicking my ass if I fell short of my potential. Now that this is going to be a public thing, on a public forum, I'm hoping you guys will be kicking my ass to stay at my best from here on out Hope everyone reading this far down has an awesome day, week, month, year, decade, especially for making it this far. We in this. END.

That would be sick, you deserve it man! And thanks. It's been crazy, and here's to making it even crazier.

DAY THIRTY ONE THROUGH THIRTY THREE So I've officially past the one month mark on the challenge. I'm nearly halfway done, so next Saturday, the 23rd, will mark the halfway point. I'm doing good, although feeling sick, and it's pretty dang cold outside, but other than that, I'm trying to keep my head above the sea of negativity and focus on what's good. I'm still talking here and there with my friends whenever I can, and I'm focusing on making plans with them this weekend. One of my friends actually told me that he wants to start to learn programming to make some money, so I asked him if he can come over to my house next weekend with his laptop so that we can sign up for codeacadamy together. If that goes through, that should be fun. If I can get a ride, I'd also like to make it to the movie theater to see the Revanant. Alejandro González Iñárritu is one of my new favorite directors after making Birdman, and Leonardo Dicaprio and Tom Hardy are two of my favorite actors. I haven't been to the movies since my first date with my ex, now that I think about it. Anyways, I'd hate to miss the chance to see that in theaters. Same goes for Star Wars. I guess it's time to go movie surfing. Anyways, I don't want to write too much today, other than to say I've got a lot of work that I should try my hardest to get ahead on. I started reading a book called "Nickel and Dimed" by Barbara Ehrenreich for school, which isn't the best book I've ever read in terms of the story or the writing, but it's a book that I'm glad that I'm reading nonetheless because it's about this woman who goes off and pretends to be uneducated and "lower class", and tries to survive on low paying jobs like waitressing and housekeeping, just to see if it would be possible to do, and low and behold, it's almost impossible. The story really hits home with me because the way she describes the restaurant business, which my mother has been working in for the last couple of years, literally sounds like a living hell. It really started to hit me as to just how stressed my mom must be, working in those types of places and not making much money, so I can relate on some level to what she's going through. Shit's tough out here. Other than that, I got a package in the mail today with four books and some knick-knacks, and I'm excited to start reading them. Only thing in my way is the schoolwork I've got going on. On top of all of the homework assignments I have for other classes, and the three books I have to read for language arts (Nickel and Dimed, The Great Gatsby, The things they Carried), I don't know when I'll be able to hit up the three books I've been looking to read for pleasure and insight (The Art of War, The Way of Men, The Blood of Olympus). I'll make it happen though. I banged out 45 pages of my school book last night, so this commitment to reading isn't just something that I'm saying I'm going to do, before promptly setting my books on my bookshelf (in the hollywood hills of course) to let them collect dust. I'm going to aim to make reading a daily thing like I used to back before Starcraft. Something that I learned from Mark Manson (a writer who I now follow thank to Cam) in one of his posts about keeping hobbies going is that no matter how little you can commit to them due to whatever circumstances you're in, you have to make sure you do them every day. Can't work out? Do 30 jumping jacks. Can't meditate for half an hour? Do it for ten minutes. Just do something; the same goes for reading. I'm going to make it a goal to get AT LEAST ten pages done a night, but my goal is going to be a book a week, like most of the people on here. Unfortunately I can't read a book a day like Tai Lopez in the Hollywood Hills, but one a week seems like a reasonable goal, as long as they're not too long (good luck reading Atlas Shrugged in a week). On one last note, I noticed that my account on here has finally reached "veteran" status. I guess that means I'm really a part of this now, huh. It's weird. At the start of highschool, even a year ago, I NEVER would have believed you if you had told me that I would be part of an online movement of gamers striving to quit gaming for good. Just some food for thought I guess, as to how much different I really feel like I am since I started highscool. It all doesn't seem so far away, but looking back on it now, I can tell I've grown a lot. On a final note, there were two girls that I was looking forward to talking to today, but alas, neither of them were at school today. Oh well. Next time. PS. It's cool to see that there are still new people joining into this community. Also, I watched the video of Cam on the Gavin Mcinnes show. He's not exactly someone I agree with on many things, but it's cool to see that this whole movement is getting some publicity. END. POST EDIT: Three things I'm thankful for: having friends to hang out with at lunch, having a bed to sleep in, and having a keyboard that I can use to type on to other people all around the globe. One thing I need to work on: writing more in my personal journal, which gets harder and harder to do the more I procrastinate on it. I'll get to it before this Saturday, promise.

All around the USA (going to do that after I graduate highschool), Amsterdam, Toronto, London, France, Greece / Rome, anywhere I went in Assassin's Creed 2, Egypt, all around China and Japan, and Australia. As a high school student, it all seems to out of reach. But maybe one day. I'll try to make it happen.

Nofap and Noporn has been something I've been struggling with. I've tried over the years to limit how much I fap, and how much I look at porn, and I've certainly done that, but it comes and goes. Since I broke up with my GF, I've been a lot more thirsty. I was wanking up to twice a day for a number of days, but I've slowed it down to maybe every other day, and I'm trying to go longer than that. Porn on the other hand, I've tried to stop that too. I don't know what gets into me, and it sucks. I realize that if I want to get back out there and talk to girls, I should want my sex drive to be as amped up as possible, and releasing that pressure resets the system completely and puts you back at square 1 (especially if you're emptying the tank multiple times a day). Quitting masturbation actually has a seriously appealing benefit, but whenever I hit that 2 or 3 day mark, the survival instincts kick in, and it almost seems like my desire to masturbate are stronger than my desire to eat, drink, and sometimes even sleep. And I get that this is all natural. I don't think there's anything wrong with masturbation. I'm in full support of it, and I don't plan on quitting, I just need to slow it down. It's better if you take breaks anyways. Porn on the other hand is something I wish never existed. It's so easy to come across it nowadays that most of us probably saw it before we even knew what it was. I feel like I spoiled the whole "surprise" to it. No virgin should know the ins and outs of every position and fetish known to man, yet here I am. I wish I could take it back, but all I can do now is abstain from it as much as possible, and the way I rationalize masturbating so much it is that I think to myself, "well, at least if I do it right away, I won't have time to grab my phone, or whatever". Long story short, Porn is awful and it should be avoided. Fapping is OK if you do it periodically but don't overindulge, and don't be afraid to do it especially if you're single. I'm still working on that. We're all only human. PS. Just like everything else, if you want to quit an addiction, eradicate the substance from your immediate surroundings. If you want to eat healthy, you can't have oreos in the cubbord. If you want to quit gaming, you have to delete EVERYTHING that has anything to do with gaming. If you want to quit watching porn, block all the porn sites from your computer. At least the popular ones. I know it's pretty hard when the internet is like, 50% naked women, but just try it.

Bill Burr and Joe Rogan are the two that I like to listen to. I know they're already pretty well up there, and you've probably already heard of them. But they're both really down to earth and insightful, and they've taught me a lot and helped me through some seriously trapping mental shit.

Here's my take: there are two different facets when speaking about entertainment: providing value vs. leaching value. For example, you can either draw a picture, or stare at one. You can make a video game, or you can play a video game. You can write a book, or you can read a book. You can make music, or you can listen to music. Etc. The golden rule is that if you're doing something rather than taking something, you'll generally be having a better time. If you're doing a public speaking session, or a comedy set, everyone in the crowd could be fucking balling out, but they're never going to be having as much fun as the guy up on the stage. Of course, this begs the question, "when it is ok to be absorbing stimulus opposed to giving it"? Obviously if you're an artist in any form, you'd be upset if nobody else ever saw your art because everyone was too busy making their own. It's a mixture. Find a balance. It's about give and take; moderation. You don't always need to be the guy grinding out. It's perfectly ok to live a little. But you also have to draw the line between putting off actually DOING something in search of "motivation" or "inspiration", and especially if you're just in it for the dopamine rush. Finding that balance is up to you. Some people love the hustle, and some people are perfectly fine living chill, relaxed lives, and just going with the flow. As long as you're not hurting yourself or anybody else, you're not doing anything wrong. Just find what you love and do it, but make sure it's because it's moving your life in the direction you want to go, and not just there to avoid doing what you're meant to do.

1. Gaming was never an issue for me up until high school. I made straight A's in elementary school, A's and B's in middle school (all gifted), and all A's and B's in high school with one C that was a 79 at the end of my sophomore year. Gaming took a toll on my grades for sure in high school. Even though I've always been a decent student, I realize I could have done a lot better, as much as I hate to admit it. I'm not a study freak, and I'm not trying to be valedictorian or get straight A's, because I realize that I'll be getting into a good enough school taking AP / gifted classes regardless, but getting a C was still upsetting. Never thought I'd get one. 2. Nah, from my experience teachers generally don't give a shit about their students unless they kiss their asses. It takes a really passionate teacher to care about their student's well being, and for the most part, whenever I've seen a teacher confront a student for doing poorly, it's been to scold them. The public education system in America needs a serious makeover for sure.

1. No games, with the exception of brief sessions ONLY IF it's at a friend's house on a two player game. I only watch one streamer, and only as background noise when I'm working on something on the computer (not even for the games tbh). No mobile games or mobile gaming apps, no gaming subreddits. As little gaming stimulus as possible. 2. Just passed one month, and my new goal is 90 days. I don't want to get ahead of myself and say NO GAMES NOW AND FOREVAAAAAAAAAAAA... but I'm hoping that by the time Dark Souls 3 rolls around, I won't have a desire to slay demons and gank n00bs for hours on end. 3. Fuck Bitches Get Money 4. Because I've lost enough of my life gaming already, under the assumption that being a gamer was just "who I was" and that I was happy. I ignored every sign that it was time to turn the other cheek and explore other opportunities. Seeing all the missed opportunities as my childhood wraps itself up is tough, and I've finally admitted to myself that it's time for a change. This community is awesome, because I thought for a long time, I was the only one. When I found it, I thought it was going to be some sort of cruel joke, making fun of people with gaming addictions, but to my surprise, it was a group of like minded people all striving to change. Which is awesome.

Hey Shady! Awesome to see another new dude starting this journey. I myself have just passed the 30 day mark, and I have to say, it gets easier. And as it gets easier, you also start to feel better. Since I started, I've become more social (at least relatively, but I'm working on it!), more focused, and just generally more happy. As someone who played games since I was 3, it can be intimidating trying to just jump into all of this, but here's a few tips from me. Take them with a grain of salt, I'm just some dude on the internet. But hopefully you learn something from them. 1. If you have dreams of gaming, don't worry. They come and go, and it's not something that you can control. It happened to me multiple times already, and while they may be awesome and they may be tempting you to go back, realize that they're just a side effect of losing the stimulus you've been subjecting yourself to. 2. I noticed you said you were lazy today. Don't worry, I was too (then again, it's raining outside and I have no transportation so I can't exactly go out). You probably feel bored, eh? Well if you do, don't worry. Quitting games is the first step, finding other ways to fill your time is the second. And as hard as quitting games is, the second part is always going to be more difficult (at least until you're completely off of them, hopefully after 90 days). If you feel yourself having nothing to do, accept it, realize what it means, sit with the feeling, and move on. Don't let the urge of boredom reel you back in to gaming. There's no shame in having a bad day when you're going through something like this. 3. I'm sure you've already heard this if you've watched the videos that Cam has put out (and if you haven't, WATCH THEM), but don't look back on your time gaming as wasted time or something that you regret. They were a chapter in your life, and an important one, and just because you've chosen to move on doesn't mean you can't still feel good when you reminisce back on them. 4. Make it VERY, VERY clear to your friends what you're doing. Some of them are going to be supportive, and some of them aren't going to be. I myself was lured back into gaming only once over these past 31 or so days, and even though it was only for about half an hour and it was when I was with my friend at his house and not online on my own time, I didn't feel proud of it afterwards. Realize that some of your friends might start to feel animosity towards you, and if they do, it's just because you're changing, and that scares them. They probably feel the same insecurities you do, and they don't want you to move on and leave them behind. But realize that most people are only meant to be in your life for certain periods of time. Save your relationships and cherish them, if you can, with your gamer friends, but realize that maybe some of them are going to need to be cut off for you to truly create the lifestyle that you deserve. Also, don't attach your ego to being a "gamer", or anything outside of yourself for that matter. You are not the clothes you wear, or the amount of money in your bank account. What defines you as a person is how you treat yourself, and how you treat those around you. 5. On the subject of friends, nurture your social circle and make attempts to grow it. Something I learned the hard way was that if you don't reach out to your friends, eventually, they will forget about you. I know it can suck being the one who's always going out of his way to set things up, but you can't expect anyone else to go out of their way to do it for you. Out of sight; out of mind. Remember that. It's hard work keeping a healthy social life going. And don't be afraid to reach out to people if you feel lonely, even if it's on here. 6. You're going to go through some tough shit. Everyone does. My dad basically just left the state without telling me, and my girlfriend dumped me, and this all happened around Christmas / New Years. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy, because I realize that everything bad that's happened to me has forged me into a stronger person, and I'm moving on the best I can and making strides to make every day a happy one, even if not extraordinary. But remember, if gaming was your crutch to avoid pain, loneliness, and discomfort (like it was for me), you have to give that up COMPLETELY if you want to grow as a person. 7. Don't be afraid to try new things. Growth doesn't happen in the comfort zone. Fear sucks, but it's a sign that you're moving toward something greater. A lot of fear is irrational and absurd, and a lot of it can be traced back through evolutionary psychology. Remember that. You only live once. Don't fall into the fallacious trap of believing that any of us are making it out of this life alive. Your birth certificate is your death sentence, my friend. That girl you wanna go talk to? Go talk to her. The only thing worse than her spitting in your face is never knowing what could have been had you tried. Apply the same logic to anything, as long as it's not something stupidly dangerous. 8. Reach out to others on this forum. Don't try to convert your friends to quit gaming too, it's not worth it. You can only change someone so much that has no desire to change themselves. Realize that just by you taking this attempt to change, you're already on a better path than 99% of everyone else. Here on the forum, we're all in this together. I've seen some people's journals who have just given up, not even a week in. Quitters. Don't be a quitter. We're all in this together. Finally (cam said this), make a game out of seeing how long you can go without gaming. Every 24 hours without playing a game is +1, and every time you go back to gaming (hopefully never, but you never know what could happen), make it a game to see how fast you can commit to quitting again. Hope this helped, good luck brother. -Ryan.

This is awesome. I'm gonna make sure I start doing this.

DAY TWENTY EIGHT THROUGH THIRTY So I've officially made it through one third of the challenge. I owe it to thank everyone who helped me through it thus far, so thank you. I'm surprised that it's only day thirty to be honest. Time seems to be going a bit slower than I expected. Maybe that just means that I have a lot going on with school starting back up and all, but I'm still stoked. I was under the intention that I may have missed updating this on my 30 day mark which would have been a bummer, but alas, here we are. One thing I will say however is that it's fucking CRAZY that we're already over a week into 2016, and it feels like it just started yesterday! Time flies, if you let it. Gotta make shit happen. We'll get more into that in a minute. Anyways, what's been up as of late? Well, since Monday, I've started my second semester of my junior year of high school, and so far it's been going alright. I should definitely start getting more sleep, because drifting off in class isn't going to cut it much longer, but luckily I haven't been hit with any assignments as of yet that I haven't been able to get done relatively quickly. However, this weekend I'm going to have to buckle down and start getting ahead on some of the more hefty projects that I know in the past I would have procrastinated on until the last minute. I'm determined to not let that shit happen to me again. Following that theme, I'm also determined to keep my grades up at least as high as they were last semester. And considering how much of a shithead I was going into last semester, I feel like I'll be more than fine this semester. Maybe that's because I feel a lot more confident and driven than I was five months ago, which isn't surprising because I was a fucking Counter Strike and Dark Souls addict back then. I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about school though. I sure am; every time I write about it I feel like a broken record. From now on, whenever I go on a tangent like that, I'm just going to write, "TLDR: I'm trying my best." What's more exciting about going back to school, disregarding grades, is that I get to be around people again. Sitting with my friends at lunch is something I missed over the break, and it's something I'm looking forward to this semester, because me and one of my friends have talked about starting to merge our social circles with other people in a way. We'll see where that goes though, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. On top of that, it's good that I'm back on a steady workout schedule again, and I'm going to start seriously perusing reading soon. I have three books for AP-LANG that I'm going to have to read this semester, so I'm going to hammer those out as fast as I can. I checked them all out from the library to get ahead on them, but I only ordered one of them for myself to keep (The Great Gatsby) because that was the only one that I honestly think I'll really enjoy. Other than those three books, I ordered three more of my own (so I ordered four books but I have to read six) that I'm going to read for pleasure and hopefully some insight. They are, The Art of War by Sun Tzu, The Way of Men by Jack Donovan, and The Blood of Olympus by Rick Riordan. And yes, I know, the last one there is a Percy Jackson book, but I've been reading that series since elementary school and I've been putting off reading the tenth and final book in the series, so I feel like it's something I should have done a long time ago. And hey, they're pretty darn good. I'm hoping that by starting to read again, both for study and out of personal interest, I'll get back into the habit, because there's a LOT more books that I'm interested in. Like, enough that I could probably use a couple years to get them all down (I'm not Tai Lopez with his laser sensor eyes than can "read a book in a day" after all). I'm also looking into starting a diet that's been recommended by a number of different people who I look up to, which is a plus. So I guess that's it. I really need to start writing more in my personal journal too. I started a post on new year's day that I meant to cover up on about a week or two of missed content because I was being too emo over my breakup to write. I got sidetracked and went to go hang out with friends that day, and low and behold, it's been an entire other week and I haven't put a single word into it. The longer I wait the more daunting it seems, and unfortunately it's about to be midnight and I don't have time to write in it now. I'm going to have some major explaining to do to future me, so this weekend, on top of SAT practice and reading, I'm going to have to grind that out too. It'll be good for me though, I have to remember that that's the entire reason I started writing in it in the first place. It just gets annoying having to say the same things over and over in this forum-blog thing and then transcribe it in a different way into my personal writings without just copying and pasting it all, which seems like it would be cheating, not to mention counter-productive. So yeah, thanks for listening guys. I guess in summary, I'm just trying to do my best, like everybody else. I'm still not missing games whatsoever, and I'm gonna get through this. I promise. Other than that, if anything revolutionary happens, I'll let you guys know. This weekend is where I'm hoping to make some real strides, because it's where the actual new habits (reading / not procrastinating) are going to start kicking in. LAST MINUTE EDIT: I forgot to say something I think is important, in a way. I just want to say that my ex-gf and I still haven't talked in school. In fact, we haven't even looked at each other. Maybe she's looked at me, but I haven't looked at her. Considering that she hasn't said a word to me, or even attempted to, goes to tell me that she's just as over it as I am. Which is fine, it's actually what I was hoping. The emo part of me sort of / kind of wishes that we had our last conversation face to face, just for "closure's" sake, but the better part of me knows that it's probably for the best that we just forget that either of us exist. Avoiding her has been much easier than expected - I'm just waiting until the awkward run-in during the 5th period bell that's bound to happen eventually. Oh well. I have my eyes open. I just wanna make sure that I act before my confidence goes away. I'll make it happen next week. I'm still struggling with sleep deprivation from waking up at the ungodly hour of 5:00am. Peace out. END.

Yeah, you're probably right about that. I'll think of something else I guess. I already did that. I think you missed the point. I'm not labeling my self worth off of being single or not. What I was referring to was that I used to be overly nice to girls and didn't take chances in my interactions with them. In other words, I was a people pleaser; afraid of being "myself" in fear of what others would think. This lead me to get friend-zoned by a lot of girls that I had sexual interest in, but now, I'm done with that. So it's not that I'm insecure with being single at all. I really do want to meet girls just for the sole experiences that it brings. I'm just no longer willing to put myself through relationships where I'm obviously interested in a girl sexually when she doesn't feel the same way. I guess I'm following the same logic as Bill Burr. It's not that I'm misogynist. I just honestly don't think that it's worth it to be "friends" with a girl who you're attracted to if she isn't attracted to you back. Which is the main reason why, as I mentioned, my ex and I mutually decided that we wouldn't be friends after we broke up.

DAY TWENTY FIVE THROUGH TWENTY SEVEN. Thanks for all of the kind words. I'm still not giving up on the challenge, and I'm going to probably post the next update on the 30 day mark, which would be a third of the way through the challenge. I'm still in the process of sifting through all of the bullshit that comes with having a copious amount of free time on your hands, but I'm thankful to say that I've spent a decent amount of time hanging with friends and family (my sister also just got a puppy today - it's a husky and IT'S SO CUTE). I feel like having made it almost a third of the way through the challenge, I need to start considering where I'm going with it. This first initial phase has been pretty simple for me, as I already had enough going on in my life that it would have kept me preoccupied from gaming by itself. Thinking about what a shit-show my life would have been had I kept gaming at the same rate I was before is something I don't even want to imagine. Now that I'm about to go back to school in two days, single once again, I'm going to have to worry about SAT's, ACT's, keeping my grades up, waking up early, and finding a balance between that and my social life. And on the topic of my social life, I'm also going to have to make a real effort to grow it and nurture it this time around, which as I've found out, takes a lot of effort. Especially in an environment where approaching people always seems forced, in a setting where everyone is either a complete stranger or has known each other for years, a place where everyone is separated in their own cliques and groups, and where making one mistake can kill your reputation, it can be really daunting to try to reach out to new people at school. And that goes ten fold when you're talking about meeting girls. But what I've learned from my past is that this mindset comes from a place of "playing not to lose" instead of playing "to win". Being too scared to take a chance and make risky decisions socially hinders the experience of being social in the first place. Maybe I'm just a little bit freaked out because I've been mainly by myself or hanging out in small groups for the past couple of weeks, opposed to being back at school where over four thousand kids are crammed into one building. I just need to keep remembering to get outside; it's the one saving grace I have from getting overly anxious and lazy. Luckily I made it out to play basketball yesterday, but it left me with giant blisters on my big toes because I played in vans, which ended up making it too painful for me to even think about jogging today (not to mention me and my friend were up until 5:00am). So I guess I can say that I'm excited, because it feels like a new chapter is opening up after the short introduction to the "new me" (hate that phrase) that started to blossom at the start of November. First came the game detox, relationship drama, family drama, and aspiration reexamination, and now comes the time for taking fucking ACTION to go out and do the things that I said I was going to do. When it comes down to it, life is really that simple. You just have to say you're going to do something, and then go out and actually do it. What more do you want? Anyways, I'd like to throw in one more thought that I've been conflicted with since I started this, and it has something to do with my past relationship. First and foremost, nothing has changed. Grace and I still haven't talked, and I have no plans of talking to her once again, as I've already said a billion times. What I'm concerned about is the feeling of "replacement". The feeling of being over her, but at the same time, not COMPLETELY over her. It's like, I know for a fact that I have a genuine desire to go out and meet new people. And a big part of that, I'll admit unapologetically, is because I wanna go out and meet girls. It's just in my natural drive to want to go out and be around that female energy and interact with them, and perhaps find one (or some) to mess around with. But I hate the feeling that I'd only be doing this in order to fill some sort of void that was left by Grace. I still remember all of the good times that we had together, and I want to feel those things again. And they say that you can only love someone else if you truly love yourself, and I feel like I DO. But I have to ask, is it just a natural part of life that never goes away, for you to think about your ex, even when you're in pursuit of other new relationships? I was asking my sister if it would be OK to take a new girl out on the same date that I took Grace out on. And it's weird because I'm caught between the rational side of my mind telling me that mini golf in the mall with the food court and movie theater right after is just a REALLY GREAT PLACE TO GO on a first date, but on the other hand, I can't shake the feeling that if I did that again, I'd be comparing every move I made to the first time I was there, almost as if I were trying to relive that day. The comparisons would keep popping up into my head like flowers in the spring. "Oh, I kissed her on that wall for the first time, should I try again?" "Oh, I already talked to her and made that joke about the artwork in this venue with her, is it cheating to do it again?" "Oh, we were holding hands by this point in the date, am I doing better / worse than last time?" Maybe I'm just sad because I know that today is her birthday, and for most of our relationship past our first date, I really thought we were going to be together today (and not just be together, but "be together" for the first time too), and now I know that that just wasn't meant to be. Maybe it's just that I, admittedly, haven't really talked to a real girl outside of the internet in quite a while (not counting my sister). I don't know. I feel like after what I just went through, I'd be more open to the idea of an "open relationship", but just sorting out the technicalities in my head and fantasizing about what I'd like or wouldn't like really doesn't get me anywhere besides a cesspool of my own splooge and a downward spiral of laziness and depression. Until I actually go out and test my ability to meet someone new and move things forward, none of these questions are worth shit. They aren't things that I can even consider until I meet someone in the first place. I have a nasty habit of getting ahead of myself, as you can probably tell. So what are some of your thoughts on this? In summary, I'm completely ready to move on from my last relationship, and I want to meet someone new. I don't hold any animosity towards my ex, and I'm in no way trying to make her jealous, or have any contact with her at all. I have an honest desire to start dating again, but I need to make sure I'm doing it out of a frame of simply giving out love and sharing that with another person, as opposed to being codependent and desperate (or thirsty, depending on what lingo your prefer). I guess that's what it all comes down to. My sister told me that the difference between the two are that when you're desperate, you care too much about whether or not it "works" or not. When you're coming from a frame of giving love and value, you're happy whether the girl likes you or not because you're happy just being yourself. And ironically, not being afraid of losing the girl (ie not being a people pleaser) is what makes the girl attracted in the first place. Trust me, after being friend-zoned all the way up until 10th grade, I know how you land in that trap, but thankfully I've learned from that and I'm no longer willing to be the king of "just-friends-land". Also, Cam, if you were planning some big response, I'm sorry if I haven't given you the proper amount of time to put it out before breaking in with another page long article, but if you do I'd love to hear it. Don't be in any rush for me, I know you're a busy dude. That article you sent me really resonated, and I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a breakup too. I hope everything works out, which it will, trust me. Things have a way of working themselves the way you want when you're a hustler! Just know we're all in the same boat. Whatever you're going through, there's some kid who's a decade younger than you going through the same thing, and there's probably some 37 year old man going through it too. It's just the circle of life; history repeating itself. The only difference is the people that we choose to be and how those people choose to deal with the challenges we face. END.

DAY TWENTY THREE - TWENTY FOUR This is going to be a quick short post. It's 2016 now, and this year I'm really ready for change. The last two months, and specifically the last week of my life, have been some of the most transforming months of my life. First girlfriend, first breakup, gamequitters, reaching out to people again, wow. I feel a lot more alive than I used to. Anyways, I went bowling yesterday with my friend and my sister, and then I came home and just chilled out until my mom came home from work. Nothing too crazy, but hey, it's not like I have a car to go anywhere anyways. I'm still thankful that I got to do something fun today and then spend the rest of the day with family. I'm going to go hang out with another friend on mine at the mall, and then we're apparently going to go play basketball with some friends of his he met at work. That sounds like fun, however, there's something you should know about me: I'm literally the worst basketball player on the planet. I'm pretty scared, but hopefully they're laid back people and they don't take it too seriously. At least I'm getting out the house. Anyways, I've started to update my personal journal again. I haven't put any real work into it since the 21st of December, so for my new 2016 journal I'm going to have to fill in a lot of lost time. It's hard to find the divide between writing in the personal notebooks and the forum, so I'm probably going to fill a lot of the gap with stuff that I'm going to pull right out of here. In just a few short months, since September 28 when I started, I filled up 100 pages and wrote exactly 58104 words. That's the length of a short novel, and 100 pages was my goal when I first started, so I'm really proud to have hit it right on the money. Anyways, that's about it for today. Tremendous thanks to EVERYONE who has been here on the forums who have helped me work through these things. Here's to 2016! Let's all make it a fantastic one.

Hey Travis. Thanks for the kind words. As far as my family goes, yeah, it's pretty crap. However, I try to not let it get to me. Before I would do that by immersing myself in games, but now, with only a year and 5 months until I'm done with highschool, I've decided it's time to come out of my shell and embrace change. My sister had to move out when she was around my age because she couldn't take the turmoil in the household, and she's told me many times that despite still having contact with our family, living on her own is so rewarding and liberating compared to being trapped by our family, and that I need to stay strong until I can leave the nest as well. Yes, this was my first relationship. And yeah, I was a bit self conscious for not having a girlfriend until now. However, all of that is gone now. To be honest, I always tried to think rationally about it. If there's anything in our lives that shouldn't be a competition, it should be personal relationships. However, no matter how much I try to disassociate those feelings from my daily life, I believe that subconsciously, we're all on a certain level concerned with how other people see us. It's illogical and quite frankly pointless to try and put your life up to some sort of standard, or timeline, that you have to keep track of, that's completely based off of other people's expectations (for example, you should graduate college at this point, make this much money by this age, get married by this age, have a kid by this age, retire at this age, etc). When you really think about it, all that is is data that allows you to compare yourself to other people in an unhealthy way. For the most part, it was really just peer pressure that gets to you. It sucks being viewed as "the guy that doesn't get girls", especially when most of your friends have already lost their virginity (I never had sex with my ex-gf, thank god). My sister says the same thing about high school and how it all just seems funny after you graduate. Also, as far as some guys just "having it", I believe that as well. However, without the reference experience to back it up, I sometimes doubted myself. Going through this relationship has given me a newly found confidence in pursuing new relationships. Before I met Grace, I had never actually approached a girl that I was interested in, because I could never get over the approach anxiety. I still haven't - she was the one who approached me. It was all by chance honestly. Now, however, I think I'm finally ready to take the process into my own hands. Thanks for being part of this community. I still feel new here, and I'm thankful to have so many like minded people to guide me along the way. It seems weird to say, but without those on the forum keeping me engaged and holding me accountable, I don't know if I could have followed through with all of this. This community really is something special. After coming out of the gaming community, as toxic as it is, it's a breath of fresh air to know that there are people out there who actually CARE about change and supporting each other to grow, rather than just finding a way to vent anger towards others.

DAY SEVENTEEN THROUGH TWENTY TWO (this is a long one, please read it through though). A lot has happened, and I apologize for not updating this journal as frequently as I should. I guess I owe everyone who's taken part in this an explanation, as I most likely won't be updating this again (beyond replies) until 2016 rolls around. Having not kept track of the days that have gone by, I'd be happy to say that had I not slipped up once over this last week, I would have been on my longest trek without gaming in what would have been my life. I still am on my lowest AMOUNT of gaming during a three week period of my life, however, we'll get more into that later. I believe I left off posting this the day before Christmas. For the TL;DR readers, I've had a REALLY, REALLY shitty week. I don't mean to rain on anybody's holiday spirit, but I feel like in order for everybody and I to get the most out of these personal journals and missions, we have to be 100% honest. So to sum up what I want to talk about, here's what's happened: Christmas was awful, I fell into a deep depression, I went to a friend's house and ended up playing a video game (for fifteen minutes), I hung out with a friend who fell into a deep depression himself (who I hadn't seen or heard from in a month), and then my girlfriend dumped me yesterday. So, where to begin? Christmas was a disaster. It almost always is in my family, so I was kind of expecting what happened. Basically, my mom flipped out and had a mental breakdown. She kicked my sister out of the house, threatened to do some things that I will not mention, and I ended up spending the entire night in my room, and to be honest, I don't even remember what I did. All that I remember absolutely was my mother forcing me to call my grandmother (who I'm pretty sure hates my guts - long story), which was awkward, and then I sent my dad a heavily worded 3 page long text message, which he still hasn't responded to (for all I know I'll never see him again because I believe he already moved to Florida). This obviously didn't put me in a very good mood. I got a lot more depressed than I would have liked to, and I ended up sitting inside for a long time. Things in my family have settled down now (at least to a point that's tolerable), and my sister is back home, which I'm thankful for. The next day I ended up going to my friend's house. In times where I feel the worst, I feel like that's the time where it's most important to reach out to other people and not be alone. Anyways, while I was there, he ended up enticing me to play a match of GranTurismo 5 (which probably lasted about 8 mintues), and a game of Motorstorm (which also lasted only around 8 minutes). I objected at first, but the "peer pressure" got to me, and in the moment, being as angry and confused as I was at the time, I couldn't really think of a reason not to. I didn't feel good about it, and in a way still don't, but to be honest, I don't really regret it in full. Because overlooking the fact that I did slip up on the challenge, it taught me a few things about myself. First of all, I've figured that the times where I'm most likely to slip up and start gaming again are when I'm depressed and when my willpower is at its lowest. And second of all, I've learned that by going back to video games just once, I still don't have a real desire to get back into it full throttle. It was definitely fun while I was playing it, but this time off from gaming and the mental shifts that I've been making have really changed my perspective as far as my DESIRE to play games. Maybe it's unfair to make the rationalization that I only did it because we were playing 1v1 video games in person and not online on my own time, and we were really only playing while we waited for the rest of our friends to arrive, but I don't think it was enough of a "session" to warrant restarting the entire challenge. More of like a progress-check, which I think indicates that I really have grown since starting this in only 3 short weeks. Anyways, I spent the rest of that night eating out at the buffet and playing monopoly with friends, which was a blast. During this time period (up until last night), I had noticed that my girlfriend had been ignoring me. The last text message exchange we had had had been on the Wednesday before Christmas, and the last snapchat we had sent was on Christmas day, when she sent me one (probably a mass sendout), and then opened my reply, with no reply back. I tried to call her the next day, and she actually REJECTED my call (two rings to voicemail = she hit decline button). This all lead up to what happened last night, so I'll get more into that after this next section. After having spent the night at my friend's house, I went to check up on a friend of mine who I hadn't been able to get a hold of in over a month. I went to his house, and he had been sleeping in until 2:00pm, and he looked and sounded pretty warn out. I could tell he was going through some shit, so we sat and talked for a while about what had been going on. He told me that he had actually been ignoring me (somewhat like my GF had been), and that he had been going through a very serious stage of his depression (clinical, unlike mine), and that he was sorry for ignoring me, and that it wasn't personal, as he had pretty much shut himself off from everybody. It didn't surprise me, really, that he's depressed though. His problems outweigh mine by a lot. He never knew his real father, his mother jumped from man to man having two more kids who often leave their household to be with the father, and he's often left at home alone for weeks at a time. He dropped out of school because he couldn't take it, and just before getting his GED, he had to drop that too, because his mom decided to stop taking him once she got a job (finally), and he also can't get a driver's licence because he doesn't have the required school records to apply for one, so he has to wait until he's 18 (3 months away) just to get one. So basically on top of all of the shit that he's been through, he's stuck at home by himself with no means of getting anywhere, and no real social interaction going on as he was forced to drop out of his schooling. When we hung out, I think we both really helped get each other into a more positive head space though. We had to stay inside at his house all day (because we have no transportation and it was raining all day), which wasn't very exciting, but he's the type of person that you can really trust and talk to for a long time. I tried to talk him into taking more action to better his situation, getting back into his social circles in whatever way possible, and all that good stuff, and he listened to me ramble on about my relationship problems for quite a while as well. I ended up sleeping over at his house and leaving in the morning. As bad as I feel about leaving him there alone for the next week, it's not like I can just take him home with me. I hope he's doing OK, and I plan on going with him to see the new StarWars movie before the break is over. He's been really supportive, and being there for someone who needs me really helps to take my mind off of myself. Anyways, the afternoon on the day when I came back from his house, yesterday, was the day that I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend. When I got home, I was sitting on the sofa next to my sister, talking to her about her previous breakups (as she's much more experienced than I), when I had noticed that she had updated her snapchat story. This confirmed a number of things, being that she wasn't injured, that her phone wasn't broken or taken away, and that she really was just ignoring me over this period of time. So I sent her a text that read exactly like this. Keep in mind, it had been 6 days since we had talked at all, and over a week since we had been together. "Hey Grace. I'm not sure what I did to upset you, but I can only take our lack of communication as a sign that you're not interested in continuing this, which is fine. I don't harbor any bad feelings toward you, however, I think that ignoring me wasn't the most mature way to deal with the situation. Communication is important in any relationship, and it's pretty inconsiderate to just phase someone out without any explanation after getting close to them. Forgive me if I've completely misinterpreted your absence, but I don't know what else to make of this. I wish you the best." I deleted snapchat before I watched her story. My sister told me that watching it would only make me more sad. Thinking back on it, she was right. I figure I may as well reinstall snapchat, but removing her is going to be the first thing I do. We ended up talking later that night, and it was the most uncomfortable conversation that I've ever had in my life. The first minute on the phone, neither of us said anything but "hi". Neither of us knew what to say, but by the tone in her voice, I could tell that she was having a hard time grasping at her words. Like she wanted to tell me something but she didn't know how, like she didn't want to hurt me. I don't want to go into everything that was said. Even if I did I couldn't because my heart was beating so fast and I was so on edge that I couldn't even remember all of what was said. I can take out specific lines of dialogue, but nothing in order. The only important part was that she told me that she couldn't do this anymore, and that we couldn't be friends anymore (which I agreed on). We said our final goodbyes, and it was over. We were only a thing for a little bit over a month. But my heart is still broken. I'm still trying to put it back together piece by piece. She was the first person that I ever really fell in love with, and whether or not you think I'm too young and too immature to really understand what that means doesn't change the fact that the feeling is real and it's just as intense. No amount of rationalization will help me in the moment. While we were on the phone, I tried to reason with her. I was trying to ask her if we could just talk things out and work through this, but she wasn't having it. I wish I had talked to her more. Just one last time. But it's too late now. And I stopped myself before I called her back, because I knew that nothing that I said would change her mind. And the hardest part about it was just the not knowing. Everything was fine the last Friday that we hung out. We were still talking here and there after that. And then, out of nowhere, she just cut me off. I didn't do anything wrong, yet I felt as if I had. I didn't, and still don't understand, how you can just walk into someone's life and get so close, and then just decide out of the fucking blue that you can't be with them anymore. It's not my place to try and assume what she's thinking and feeling though; my sister really had to hammer that in. Maybe she really is just going through something and she isn't in a place where she can be with someone else right now. Maybe she thinks I'm a lame loser and she hates my guts and is already getting gorilla fucked by five other guys. But all that really matters in the end is that whatever compelled her to feel love for me is gone now. Whatever she's doing and whatever her reasoning was isn't going to make me feel any better about her decision. She said on the phone that she didn't want to hurt me, which is probably why she couldn't muster the courage to call me. I still love her. But as a man who loves her, I should want what's best for her, even if that means being with someone else. I wasn't lying when I said that I don't harbor any ill will towards her. She's still the same amazing person that I fell in love with, whether or not she wants anything to do with me. I do, however, think that she handled the situation very immaturely. I was pulling my hair out a little bit more every day that I didn't hear anything from her. Her inability to tell me how she really felt out of not wanting to hurt my feelings, really just put me through the most miserable week of my life, when I already had enough shit going on. It's a very inconsiderate thing to do, especially during the holidays, and I hope that she learns from it. Anyways, we haven't talked since. I don't know what will happen when we go back to school, but as far as I can tell, we're on a strict no-communication policy. It's the only way I'll get over her completely. And it's not going to help that I'm going to have to see her every single day for the next couple of months in Language Arts class. But who knows what might end up happening. One thing that's for sure is that I have no plans of trying to win her back, or get back together with her if she ever wanted to. In order for me to learn and grow from this experience, I'm going to have to completely cut her off. She's dead to me now. I hope that she's happy, and I hope that she finds what she's looking for. I'll probably never know what changed her mind about me, but I have to remember that there's nothing wrong with me as a person and eventually, in time, I WILL get over her. And one day, I will find someone who loves me just as much as she did, if not more, and I'll love her even more than I loved my ex. I really had to accept that fact that trying to fix the relationship was pointless. My sister told me that if I'm anything like her, I'd try to fix it. That's just who we are. Fixers. It's very rare that me or my sister are (or in my case, will) the ones breaking up with people; we're usually the ones getting dumped. Whereas other people just get stuck in a situation and just want it to end, we try desperately to hang onto it. But for a relationship to work, it has to be 100/100. For us to be happy, we have to be with people who really love us. There's nothing better than that, and trying to drag on a relationship that didn't have that dynamic would have just made it hurt more over a longer period of time. Me and my sister had a very long talk after the split. I found myself not being able to make out sentences and spacing out for long periods of time. I didn't cry, but I was holding back the tears in order to make sentences that were understandable. I then chatted with Dorian on Skype about it, and messaged Jorden and Kegan, both of who were really nice to me. I had a nightmare last night. Or more like a hallucination. 4 different dreams in one. First I was in sleep paralysis, unable to move a muscle. A giant figure appeared before me; a ghostlike face that spanned the entirity of my cieling. I went back to sleep, realizing it was only a hallucination, and began to lucid dream that I was in a strange world that seemed like it was out of mario. Really strange. I can tell that I won't be able to sleep tightly for a while, as much as I hate to admit that. The scary part is where I'm going to go from here. You know, it's not easy being the kid who's never had a girlfriend up until his junior year of highschool. Relationships with the opposite sex have never been something that has come naturally to me. However, if I had to take anything out of this, is that for once in my life, I have proof that it's possible. For a long time I was honestly starting to believe that some guys just "have it", and others don't. I felt for a long time like I was one of the people who just had a bad mix of genes from two crazy, fucked up parents, that was put through too much shit to ever be able to relate to a woman, much less turn her on sexually. Just the idea of getting to know an entirely new person and make a new relationship blossom is daunting. It takes a LOT of work to get to know someone and start a new relationship. The approach, the first couple of conversations, getting the number, texting for hours, asking her on the first date, going on the first date, talking ALL THE TIME, it's insane. I never realized how much me and Grace talked until I looked back through all of the messages we sent. And that's just texting alone. That isn't counting skype messaging, skype calling, phone calls, and snapchat. I don't even want to THINK about having to start all over again. Yet maybe, it'll be fun. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm only putting myself through all the trouble of getting to know someone because the experiences and the times that you spend together are what make life itself really matter. It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, and I figure I might as well keep loving and keep losing because the alternative is just being lonely forever, which is quite literally paramount to death. On a side note, I don't want to go out to meet new girls to think of them as a "replacement" for Grace. If I did that, it wouldn't really be getting over her. I have to really get it through my head that whoever I meet next is going to be a completely new and different person from her. It's important not to make comparisons. Breaking up with her has been a sort of a wake-up call. Even though it hurts and I feel like shit, I've been using it as leverage to really start investing in myself again. I started jogging and working out over the break, finally, and I'm starting to reach out to my friends more than ever, even if it is just the few that I have. I'm looking to order a couple books as soon as I can get money into my mom's bank account, and I'm going to use those to get myself out of the house as much as I can. Most importantly, I have literally NO interest in going back to gaming, and a newfound interest in meeting new people and socializing. It's like a drug almost. Anything to keep my mind off of her. I don't want to be alone. Ever. Maybe that's bad, but I'm really thankful for all of the people who have helped me work through this. Primarily my sister, and my friends Dorian, Kegan, and Jorden. I know they have my back through think and thin. I don't know how I'm going to start making new friends, and I've never made new year's resolutions because they're mostly bullshit, but next year, I'm going to make it a point to improve every aspect of my social life, including male/female relationships, going into the last three semesters of my schooling and 2016. Having a car soon is definitely going to help out, I hope. Thanks to everyone on the Forum, especially Cam, and I hope that you all have a radical day tomorrow. Here's to a new year. Scary to think that we're closer in number to 2020 now than 2010. If any of you read this far, just remember this: life has its ups and downs. The ups wouldn't be ups if they weren't contrasted by the downs. Life is a constant struggle between life and death, light and dark, good vs. evil. I don't want pity by anyone. I just want everyone to know what we're all here to grow stronger together, and that whatever you're going through now will get better IF you work to make it better. Thank you all for reading. I'll be answering all responses. END.

Yeah, it's crazy unbelievable that people watch 6 hours of TV per night. Taking into account you usually spend around 8 hours asleep, that's pretty much half of your waking hours. And I definitely agree with what you've said.

DAY SIXTEEN I'm feeling better. I decided I might as well write this post early too because I don't know if I'll be home later. I'm planning on swinging by a friend's house when my mom gets home later tonight. I haven't been able to get a hold of him in a month, so I want to go check up on him and see if he's alright. He's been known to suffer from depression, to the point where he had to drop out of normal public school to take GED courses at a local community college (which if you actually think about it isn't that bad of a plan, he technically could graduate high school a year early and go straight into prerequisites at community college and then transfer cheaply to a less "rigorous" university). He's a close friend, one that I really look up to and value our relationship, so I think I owe it to him to show that. Anyways, I didn't sleep in today, and I got up and got my day going pretty well. Unfortunately for me, I'm kind of stuck inside. It's been raining like CRAZY these past two days in the southeast. Thunder has been shaking my house for what seems like minutes on end, my lights and power have flickered off and on twice, and it's pretty freezing outside (by southern standards, of course). I've mentioned before that I live close to the mall, and it IS close enough to jog to, but not in this weather. Not even by bike. On top of the monsoon outside, I also have to deal with the Christmas shopping traffic. If you go anywhere by car, you have to wait about 5 minutes at each stoplight because they're all backed up a mile each. And if you go anywhere on bike, you're at risk of being hit at every crosswalk you go through because people aren't paying attention. It's absurd to me how many people actually shop at the mall, given how overpriced everything in it is. I've come to the realization that I really, REALLY need to start getting out more. I think I have what you would call "cabin fever". So I'm hoping once I get a couple of good books, I'll be able to start getting out of the house to read them. I know of a couple places I could potentially go to do that, so I'm excited to see what's out there. And I also feel like an idiot for not knowing what any of the words on the starbucks menu mean, even though I've never really been one for coffee. I'm also looking into buying a laptop so that I can write, take notes on my reading, and, of course, update this blog outside of my house. I'll need some sort of laptop for college anyways, so it's not like I'm buying it just for the sake of buying it. I'm looking into this one here. It's pricey, but I think it's just what I'm looking for, as a student (you have to buy the keyboard separately, but my friend has an older model and it's pretty cool). http://www.amazon.com/Microsoft-Surface-Pro-Intel-Core/dp/B01606IDL0/ref=sr_1_4?s=pc&ie=UTF8&qid=1450968188&sr=1-4&keywords=surface+pro+4 It's got mixed reviews but maybe there will be a newer model by the time I'm really serious about getting one that addresses some of the issues. Anyways, I'm gonna head off and get something to eat. I have to go grocery shopping later, thank god. I've been surviving on protein-oatmeal and yogurt for the past eon it seems. Next update will probably be the day after Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone! END.

QUICK POST: I've been thinking about getting into chess, but I've been seeing conflicting views. Some people say that it's mentally challenging, increases IQ, and is a respectable passtime. Others say that it's too similar to a video game (take StarCraft 2 for example) to be considered void from the "90 day challenge". So is it a go, or a no go? I'm not scared of relapsing to other games if I start playing chess, don't get me wrong. I'd just like some input from others. Because if chess isn't a pass, where do you draw the line? Board games? Sports? Trivia? It seems like any type of "game" can be played either in the "real world" or online on a computer of phone nowadays. I feel like it's important to ask these questions early on. Thanks.