Hitaru

(Friday?) entry: Having a clearer idea (and emotion) about what I want to do made everything easier, but there's still a lot to improve from within. Usual problem (time management), but better attitude to face it. I'm reaching a point in which I can see when others are having a tough time for the same reasons as me, and this has allowed me to "demystify" other people. Here's my reasoning: Since I can't see the inner turmoil of others, what I see appears to me as the optimal version of their current selves. Everything they say and do makes sense as a whole somehow, because I can't fathom what it 'could be' or better, what 'it could have been' (what they think and feel) from their perspective, but only observe, assume and react to what it 'is' (what happens in the end). But do I feel I'm at my optimal current self in the same way I feel it for others? Certainly not. That's the root of insecurity. I'm biased to feel I'm doing worse than everyone else in any and every case, since I'm pretty much aware in my head of what 'it could be' (or what I'd like it to be) and I act as if others could see it as well. After listening more to others and working on myself I'm starting to get past this. I still have my moments tho.

I'm back, just in time for the official publication of the WHO with gaming disorder in it! I feel full of energy and ready to make some real noise about this stuff. It's our time, folks! Been writing for two days straight and the amount of work is really frightening, but I'm trying to focus on small bits; so far it's working and got everything covered. Travel was unspeakably blissful. No nonsense. My relationship is about to enter a longer distance than before and that may or may not be a game-breaker. But the rest is simply perfect. Everything has been talked, confidence in each other and our mutual feelings is unbreakable, and we've reached a misterious state in which I feel as if he was there all my life, and would remain in it no matter what or when: a deeply comforting feeling of absolute rapport. If we break up because of this distance, for sure it would hurt, a lot. But I'm confident about the future, and most of all, I feel at peace in any and every case. If only everything else felt that easy and natural. This way of talking about it seems to me a bit broken, but I'm still shy about being open and "simple-worded" with my feelings. Sorry about that. Again I've entered in a phase of not participating that much in the forums, seems to be cyclical. I'll try to get over it soon and take it back into my usual activities. It's really meaningful for me.

¡El proyecto de Game Quitters en Español está activo de nuevo! IMPORTANTE: Hilo de Twitter en el que se elabora la nueva definición de la OMS del trastorno por videojuegos. Oficial desde este lunes, se empezará a aplicar a partir de 2022.

Lots of small victories and day-to-day happenings that I haven't been able to put together in a whole, comprehensive piece of text. The good: I'm learning, learning, learning, lots of useful shit like I wouldn't believe, exactly what I wanted even if I'm sometimes sorely lacking some empathy from the people expected to provide it, the organizers. (thankfully the relation with the mates is perfect). The better: Tomorrow Today I'm taking a week and half break to travel around Italy with my boyfriend. The bad: Time management is becoming a never-ending nightmare. The more I do, the more I want to do, the less I feel finished in the end. It just can't be. The worse: Existentialism still running wild, causing great amounts of stress (and distress). Tonight and today I'm sick partly because of it. Fingers crossed for tomorrow. Feeling a bit better, thankfully.

Hi, About missing other games you can check this and this. About gaming streams: this video. As a personal note, I've also been feeling nostalgia now and then, even after two years without playing my childhood games. I used to play grand strategy and now I'm in Italy so imagine, historical feels all over the place. But they pass. In my experience, seeing it as a white or black thing makes it worse. It's not that you "can't play": You can. But you know what will happen then, and you make a conscious, real decision of preferring to experience the things you're able to do in your life when you're not playing. In my case going back to play out of nostalgia would be great, sure, but then I would get stuck in a room for a lot of days playing all day, while I can get out and not simply imagine the places through a map or screen, but actually step on them, be a minimal part of the real life history. And I have a daily chance to make the decision of which one is more important for me. On bad days it's harder, obviously it's no big deal to enjoy what you like when you don't have urgent responsibilities, anxieties or no one was rude with you. But that's life, choices. You can play, but what's in for you? And what do you lose if you play?

Hi man. I looked for some videos in our channel that could help you out: - What if you find other activities boring? - 3 Types of Activities You Need to Replace Gaming Games allow you to have fun and give you the sensation of relaxation, even when they're not relaxing at all (you can notice how after a long gaming session you are all tensed up and even with negative emotions, for instance if you got angry at someone). So in reality they are stimulating your brain so much that the other things you remember you have to do look small by comparison as long as you keep playing. This is not the same as relax and turn your brain off, it's a "relaxation fallacy". You may want then to find an activity that is physically active, or that stimulates you but not in an intellectually rigorous way (something that is a challenge and requires your focus but not your full rational capacity). Then depends on your interests and preferences.

THINGS: - This morning someone was pretty rude with me in a very hypocritical way. Previously I would have been really angry and victimised. In this case I was so sure of myself even arguing with them would have been stepping low. I simply shrugged it off with half-contained contempt. I could almost breath in the arrogant superiority I was exuding. It's not the ideal, but at least is the current best alternative to be a little frightened man-child. I could say I'm reaching my 'natural' state of self-steem (first years of life self-esteem, the way I and my family remember it). Then I'll have to polish my repressed tendency in the right direction, not to avoid conflict as I've been so far but to benefit from the absence (or calculated presence) of it, if that makes sense. In my own terms. - Existentialism and death anxiety are hitting me pretty hard lately. Yesterday I was feeling depressed as I haven't been in a really long time, and pulled off for the first time the most-clichéd-old-man-antic-ever: Listen music while drinking some wine alone, late in the night. It was surprisingly therapeutic, despite the feeling of somehow being making some inner joke to myself and how getting older and more physically similar to my father is turning the idea of drinking alcohol increasingly unpleasant. I may just have to accept it and embrace my future alcoholism enjoy being destined to be a clichéd old man. - I finished my first translating job AND got paid for it! I almost died in the process but learnt some very, very useful skills and tricks, both about the trade and soft skills. IF I can learn to manage myself and my time like a real adult, I will be able to get things done. Real things. In the real world. Sounds obvious right? But I was a video game addict and 'worthless' shut-in not even one thousand days ago. By the way, today is day 665 without games Steam. Don't cheat, there was a relapse. But given how things have changed, it now looks like it was a whole life ago. It now looks that it's not even about crossing out days in a calendar. I could go and play games as well as I could go to sleep or watch series or porn or simply laze around in order to not face life. Games are just an aspect of it, but how many people is actually doing this? How, in doing something I believed was putting me 'on par' with the rest like getting out, have friends, study, work, could I completely miss the point that the mindset I'm making the effort to develop along with the habits is extra-ordinary? I AM living my life to an aceptable level of fullest-ness right now, all considered. Who actually does that? I'm so used to roam this (overwhelmingly online rather than physical) atmosphere of people who are challenging themselves that in my usual self-deprecation it even began to look familiar and unimpressive. This is not either normal nor the standard. Not even taking into account that the statistical standard is being a chinese or indian slave. Working is the standard, but what is it like: the job (dis)satisfaction, the ditched ambitions, talents and goals? Being in a relationship for the inertia of it is still the standard, even more so being divorced. Being mortgaged is the 'civilised' standard. Feeling angry, defeated and bitter is the standard. It's a psychological barrier. No one had paid me for anything before. I will remember this sensation. The previous desolation of feeling useless. How fast the realization of being just a normal being with individual skills, marketable skills (as every other) settled. How despite being fed up with the whole process (on an internal level, the client was blissfully friendly), I can't help to look at the future with an endless, childish and I guess passionate ambition. They say you begin your life full of dreams and learn to settle with time. That this -mid-twenties, ideally after college or first work or any other adult world experiences- should be the first stop in the journey, the first reassessment of 'maturity'. How strange, unironically, that I'm finding myself with not greater dreams, but greater conviction that they can be done. People say so many things. Or maybe I am "extraordinary" in the sense of being pathologically unable to settle for the standard I was shown. Stubborn like that.

You almost gave me a heart attack. I miss the guy D:

Panic was mostly dealt with in a most painful way after hard days of working and procrastinating. The effort was fruitful, my first job is almost done! Most of my panic or rather its triggers tend to involve some sort of fear of being missing/neglecting my purpose. I don't know how to express this in a way that doesn't sound embarrasing, but... it's a good thing. I'm finding myself. I can feel it. I have to clear up everything and focus. I did the right thing coming here. Everything much clearer now. Can't wait until it develops enough to grab it and make something, something meaningful out of it. Truly exciting, in its most hopeful meaning. Oh but it's also seasonal so I'll be feeling like shit for a while again in another 2 weeks and half or so. Nevermind. Long-term goal is the important thing.

Panic returned for a while once the initial enthusiasm for my improvement ceased. Last night I collapsed and had to take the entirety of today to rest and work on my own things. I simply couldn't handle anyone. Now I'm feeling much better, even if I'm still busy, so I'm fairly sure I made the right decision. On one hand I'm sorry and worried about the people I might be bothering by this and perhaps future sudden swings. On the other it's my best try to manage it, so if someone doesn't understand, even if it's regrettable and painful I must keep doing things my way, the way that makes me proud and without regrets. I'm always bothered about being considered selfish, but the amount of times I've actually been called one isn't congruent with the 'precaution' I've been taking so far. I must not forget how stuck and scared I was and have been all my life. I was doing no one a favor by avoiding conflict. I try to try my best every single day. So, if from time to time and in a mostly unexpected way I need a break, then I need it and to hell with anyone who gets pissed off, which hasn't happened yet, but to have my own thougths clear on the subject just in case. That said, I'm sure there has to be a more smooth way to handle stress and anxiety, since a cycle of background anxiety until breaking point doesn't feel that much 'natural'. My instinctual response is to 'speak my heart' more. I'm accepted here, I don't need to validate myself, so if I want to be alone, take a walk, read, do whatever thing, I should allow myself to. I have to 'learn to learn' what drives and motivates me, and if that was to be a bit separated from other people, or not that common, or shared, or easy, well, that's the way it's supposed to be. Not my fault being me. The thought needs some time to sink and be properly reflected on, so for now back to the more urgent and less existential stuff.

Welcome to the forum! First of all you took a big step so far by reflecting all of this the way you did. Can relate to your feelings, specially about girls and feeling you keep existing for no real reason. You're not alone. In fact most of the community can relate to your story in some degree, you'll be noticing this if you stay for a while. You can check the Accountability Partners Section if you wish to contact someone with a similar background and goals than yours. Great to have you!

¡Hola! Nice to have you here. Very specific and original goals man, wishing already you can get them done. Great first step, keep going!

Situation shifted to a greatly positive state. Everyone around me is proud of my change and apparently I've started to make people's life easier instead of harder. Not sure exactly of what am I doing differently but maybe that's the point. Mood is great despite the usual gloomy self-doubt and feelings of "Should be doing something else". Weather is also the best possible, bright sun with still a moderate breeze of mild cold air. Perfect time to spend long periods outside in the garden while working or just chilling. Happy days. Work is also advancing, at it's usual low pace. I really could use a team of people. Someday. I expect things to remain like this for a while, so probably it'll take a bit more time to write again. Been writing a lot lately, not sure if a good or bad thing. For a while it almost really was a daily journal, huh. As always, I must not let my guard down in any case. The next fuckup is just waiting in the corner. Without being restless, I must live consciously.

Today's section: Hitaru didn't learn his lesson about time and priority management. I mean, shit. So many open things at the same time. Yes this short post is shamelessly written on the sole purpose of complaining. I'm trying to take it with humor, but my stomach doesn't. It has become kind of an inside joke here. - Currently on-going: 1. Game Quitters Forum Janitorial Über-haul (this one alone is madness already) and it hasn't even started seriously yet. 1.5. Game Quitters in Spanish. 2. Goals and Objectives of EVS (project that hosts me here in Italy, obviously the whole point is I need to do some stuff for them and theoretically also for me in order to 'learn', which I actually am for the most part. Takes up most of my day tho) 2.5. Considering making my own EVS (a too big to chew idea as well). 3. Normal daily running operations of a hostel: So far except once without guests but we have to keep it in perfect condition for when they come or someone else visits. Lots of cleaning and cooking. 4. Socializing and being a normal an integrated person: Includes traveling, which can consume whole weekends and spending time with mates and visitors use many evenings. Can't say I regret it, it's both rewarding AND working. Strangers wouldn't even be able to tell now I was actually a social retard. 3.5. + 4.5. Learning to do all the shit that I was supposed to know already for a 23 year old: Cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, not injuring anybody due to negligence, keeping a proper hygiene, sleep at normal times, all of this while not panicking on the spot. Which happens. A lot. 5. Pre-university studies studying: A personal project of mine. And I don't even mean University Entrance Exam, which is a whooole different topic. 6. Translating. 6.5. Learning italian, of course. 7. Free space for having other hobbies besides working and stressing the fuck out I guess. 7.5. Personal stuff still not developed enough to be worth telling. I'm actually making progress on each, yet too slowly. I must prioritize but everything is important. Can't simply stop working in the project of this association, can't leave the translation, can't and won't leave Game Quitters and my studies. Can't become a hermit also, would be the worst option of them all in fact. I wish I just could have a break, a productive break, not just some time I'd spend sleeping and binging news and bs. Damn, so this is the thing. This is what everyone talks about. This is what if you keep doing suddenly you wake up and 40 years have passed. And I'm not even forced to do what I'm currently doing. There's a very small window of opportunity and western privilege while my mother provides. Beyond that I'd have to take a mind numbing job which would tire me so I'd not be able to focus on my passions. Then suddenly I'd enter into that spiral and lose any inch of control over my life. Then one day it'd be too late. I must study man, I must start with it, find my tribe and begin walking the walk. I must jump on my train already. I still haven't solved the issue of what could I do when I return to Spain. Even if going back to my mother's were to be the only realistic solution, I shouldn't settle. There must be another solution. There has to be. I'm just not thinking far enough.

Hola Jay, Te he estado leyendo y siguiéndote, pero nunca encontraba el tiempo de escribirte aunque fuera para decirte que te leía. Pero lo hago. Muchas veces lo que escribes es tan personal e intenso, tan metadiálogo por decirlo de alguna forma, que es difícil responder algo coherente en tu dirección. Pero eso no significa que escribir sea inútil porque como dices, solo el hecho de escribir, incluso aunque fuera en privado, es catárquico. Ayuda. Me alegra mucho saber que te has estado sintiendo mejor. Es cierto que el cuerpo y la mente intentan dar salida a cosas que tenemos dentro a través de lo que llamamos "bajas pasiones", pero existen por una razón. No todo el mundo que come, que duerme, que expresa su sexualidad o que juega a videojuegos desarrolla un problema, obsesión o adicción. Los demás a veces pesan tanto en nuestro interior, y cuando se junta con algo como la libido, se siente inmenso y amenazador. Lo que creo es que debemos (nota la primera persona plural aquí) aprender a encontrar un equilibrio. La sexualidad por ejemplo suele requerir de otras personas para poder manifestarse plenamente. Es una cosa obvia pero a la vez lo tenemos tan asumido que rendimos toda la responsabilidad a los otros. Son los otros los que deben satisfacer nuestra sexualidad mediante aceptarla y ser recíprocos a ella, en este caso las chicas. Y cuando no ocurre nos enfadamos con ellas. Esto no debería ser así. Deberíamos ser dueños de nuestra propia sexualidad, proyectarla de dentro hacia fuera con naturalidad y sin expectativas desesperadas o asociada a aceptación o valía. Simplemente tenemos sexualidad. No decimos "La culpa es de los demás por no poder comer", o dormir, pero lo decimos mucho de no poder tener sexo. Si algo depende de los demás, del exterior, tú eres la víctima, estas a merced de un veredicto que no depende de ti. Si forma parte de ti tu eres el dueño, tienes el control, puede ser un problema, se puede sentir mal pero no puede ser más grande que tú, porque una parte nunca puede ser más grande que el todo. Se puede controlar, y una vez controlada, se puede disfrutar y aprender de ella. Sin buscar culpables. Sin agobiarse. No se si me estoy explicando, la verdad, pero en mi cabeza al menos tenía sentido. En resumen, creo que tienes necesidades, físicas, intelectuales, afectivas, como todo el mundo (compartirlas no las banaliza). Y tenerlas y buscar satisfacerlas es un proceso natural que no debería agobiarte, ocurrirá eventualmente. Ha ocurrido en otras ocasiones. Seguramente cuando menos estabas pensando en ellas. Los budistas están desapegados de estas necesidades animales y materiales, cierto, pero leí hace un tiempo una frase que me cambió la perspectiva: "Desapego no es no poseer nada, sino que nada te posea a ti". Nada posee al verdadero budista, y esto es lo que hace que no necesite necesitar. No siente nostalgia. No siente anhelo de poseer, porque lo que posees te posee a ti también si lo buscas para sentirte completo o "como deberías ser". Si simplemente eres, no necesitas nada más. El resto de las cosas, simplemente suceden. Es una forma de verlo muy interesante. Pronto el verano, y el año. Mucho ánimo compañero.

Time for some statistics. As I mentioned before I've been tracking my moods and related activities by the hour. I've been doing this for two whole months so far. During March I was at home doing nothing, let's call it "Previous State". April I was in the project, "New State". Now, take a look at this: Data from March. Previous State. Data from April. Present State. First and last day are not bugs, I just coincidentally had a great and a shitty day. Speaks by itself. The first one was most probably how my moods and emotions worked during most of the detox, time here and probably my whole life, in the absence of "exterior stimuli", say, being doing something. Look it from this perspective as well: March. April. Now, despite the radical change in habits and activities, the number of "great days" has remained the same. This may be a coincidence, OR it may mean that great days depend less on me than the accumulation of external circumstances that make the day outstanding. The great change comes, of course, in the vast majority of "normal" days. I have effectively leveled up the standard of what means a normal day. This is my window of action. It also seems there's a daily tendency in which I have a good and immediately next less good day, in a cycle of "positive" then "negative". This cycle exists but I can control it by developing positive habits. Weekends have more chance to be cheerful and positive, for obvious reasons, but it's not set in stone due the external circumstances factor. - Other interesting data: 1. In both months my main input of positive moods depended by far in other people, either because I was socializing, spending time with my boyfriend or family, or working in a positive environment. For instance, almost every positive streak during March was my boyfriend saving the day. This in my opinion, must change. I should be my main source of positivity, and I can try to do this (improve at least) by doubling down on things that I can do by myself. For example: - Enjoying good weather. - Eating good food and learning to cook. - Traveling. - Working on things that motivate me and/or on a focused way. - Conclusions: Two years and half ago I said I had natural tendencies, streaks and mood swings. Even after the Detox, there's still an observable hint. When I let myself go this tendency goes out of hand pretty fast. Therefore I must make a conscious and constant effort to keep moving forward. This is exhausting, just to explain, and the source of most of my anxiety and panic. The feeling that if I ever stop for a second everything will come crashing down. Now it's not that relevant because there's not that much to lose. But what if I truly commit to a goal, will I also need to be forever on my guard against myself? There's no way anyone can or is actually withstanding that. Come on, almost all of the people I know simply live, they get stressed or angry or sad but are not that really able to dwell on it. Or maybe they are, even if they can't put it into words and graphs the way I do? If so, how do they do it? Why it seems so much difficult for me? It feels as if everyone had 4 arms except me, but the other two were invisible. I have to keep observing. Maybe I'm simply not that used to be around people to understand. In any case, there's a substantial and meaningful difference I can make just by working on myself. - - -

Welcome to the forum @notchase who's actually Chase!

Awkward moments of the month passed and were left behind. Now I need to stop worrying so I can project outside the sensation that they passed for me as well. Then they will really pass. Because if I keep behaving as if they weren't, in thoughts, actions, speech or "aura", in some way I'll be bringing them back again and again and it will be bothersome for everyone. Things really do pass. I have to believe it. Focus on the new things. Onwards to the second month. Which reminds me of something I really wanted to show you guys, perfect moment now that I have like a thousand other things to do (?). Coming back in a bit.

I still translate at a painfully slow pace. Which means I need a whole day to do what an average translator does on a normal work schedule. Which means I feel alienated and isolated. But anyway. I'll be feeling bad for a bit, then I'll get paid and improve. Then I may even be able to make a living from this. Then I may be able to work and travel at the same time. Then I may be able to...

Sign me up for everything except the last two my man. The thing is, we are living together aside from working together. Most if not all conflicts arise when sharing the time and space since the work is voluntary and not that relevant to our lives overall but the coexistence is considered to be part of the personal, intimate aspect of life that is being at "home", with your "own time". I consider myself in some kind of temporary, transient state while being here a thousand kilometers away from my actual home, but this doesn't necessarily apply to others. Some may bring their habits and ways everywhere else with them. Then conflict is bound to happen. I'm the youngest, true, but I'm also the most inexperienced by far since I was addicted to video games and my only previous experience living out of parent's nest was brief and disastrous. I fuck up plenty but some people have way less patience with me than others. One person in particular to be fair. We have developed this toxic dynamic in which I let myself be reprimanded all the time and while I'm learning, I feel I'm also not taken seriously to ridiculous degree sometimes. I feel this is my fault, I could have tried to pretend I had my shit together. Too late for that now.

@Dannigan I'm reading and replying what you wrote later. Capacity of analysis quite low now. So this is what happened: Despite my awesome skills at pretending everything was as usual, I've been literally stranded out in the wilds the whole weekend. Well, not exactly in the wild, we were heading to a riverside camping zone as a first stop of a longer trip and then our car broke down a few meters before arriving. In Italy the government issued a 4 day period of holidays for the 1st of May, so we couldn't call anybody till Monday. The related mistake was about me spilling the name of the driver without being asked even after agreeing on not saying anything (unless asked). I simply forgot about it when the actual moment of shutting up arrived. I keep forgeting things, trivial or important, from one second to the next. It's worrisome. Or maybe (surely actually) I'm just stressed and overwhelmed by all the things I suddenly have to remember. It was quite the adventure, there were some friendly locals with us who were also camping, helped us a lot and it was a great intercultural, device-less experience. Nature makes you humble. Reminds you basic truths. Kubrick (also Sagan I think) said the universe is indifferent and this applies to nature as well. How can I express it... It feels like you have so much to lose if you die when you're used to live in a city (or big town in my case) with lots of shit. In the middle of nowhere, it feels like you are a natural (no pun intended) part of the process. Duh. Things live. Things die. No big deal. Some people find this enlightening, some find it frightening. I find it strangely reassuring despite the existential anxiety. This reassurance of "It's not a big deal", I have to seek it more; in more places, times and things. I know it. It's the right path for someone like me. This for the weekend. During this week I was approached by what has pretty unexpectedly become my first client/recruiter for a translating job. Like, a real job. With money exchange involved. Me receiving money. The details are very satisfying if not awesome for a first job, for what I know about the working conditions of the young people around me (this means your mileage may vary depending on where you live; for me and my context are good). I don't want to speak much about it. I just want to finish, get paid and THEN celebrate in its appropriate journal post (?)

Sounded way too romantic, yep Today's been a little been better, but not that much. Feelings are settling down like that weird sand at the bottom of a turkish coffee (sorry for the trigger @Cam Adair). Also today I was supposed to be resting/working on Game Quitters but something very urgent and relevant came up. I'll tell about it if it goes well, for now I'm busy as I haven't been in a decade.

Nevermind what I said before, a friend who didn't know about what happened randomly sent this to me and cleared up some things: Sorry person who did this, no advertisement of your memes here. But it was good man. And here's mine for reference: Nothing that doesn't show up somewhere in this journal. Also if that owl thing is a reference to staying up late or having trouble to sleep, by all means yes. (?) Case closed folks. I'm just weird. (This friend and I share some very special sense of humor, as you can see).

An important milestone I thought it was important to commemorate. Thank you people for being an amazing community. There's still lots to come. Onwards!

Make it 4 times at the month's end. Some of the people here have started to think I'm doing it on purpose. The other spanish guy has been very polite and diplomatic and I don't want to test his patience further until he also gets mad at me. I simply cannot shut up. I keep spilling unappropriate things one after the other. Ill-timed "jokes". I can't keep secrets, I can't determine when something is best to keep it for myself. This has poisoned everything around me and it's only going to get worse. What the fuck is going on with this believing myself beyond the situation all the time? Just what is wrong with me? It's so common sense, that even trying to explain how confused I am about it myself feels and it's interpreted as a victimist justification. As if I wasn't taking it seriously and was some kind of inside joke: "Oh well, look at me, I'm the first one harmed by this, it's just who I am boo-hoo please love me". I really don't know, I never know what's going on with this. I feel actually autistic. Not the meme meaning of the word used to insult someone on the internet. Actual, real autism. I know it sounds like an exaggeration and the exaggeration also looks like victimism. I wish there could be a way of let you guys know how worried and somehow scared I am. Ok, I'm taking a step back. I don't understand how others process this, I can only imitate it, so I'm processing it my way and then let's see what comes up: I feel constantly alienated from others and the sensation becomes worse when I'm silent. It feels as if I was about to disappear or be left unnoticed, as if I wasn't really there "as I am" (just existing, not saying or doing anything), so from time to time, I feel the need to say something. As a form of reassurance perhaps. It feels like there's a wall of transparent glass between me and everyone else, in the sense that I can observe them but I cannot reach them in the same way they reach to others and even me. So I try to speak and in exchange of how they react I get feedback. But this is a really blunt way. I can't really connect the dots beyond "If I do/say X, Y would probably happen". I can understand I can hurt others and I'm learning about what things can cause this, but at the sake of messing up every possible time. I can make others happy, this one is way easier. Others can feel connection with me, this one I should not worry that much about it because it depends on them. I can understand the concepts of hurt feelings, boundaries and respect, even if I have to learn every individual case each time and by the wrong way. It's happened so many times, with so many different things, you wouldn't believe. It's emotionally exhausting to be the one at fault all the time. What else... I feel as if this sensation of alienation was going to be noticed anytime, so in order to avoid it I try my best to blend in, behaving in a way I'm taught (thanks to this feedback) that is socially acceptable. Not that I would feel like doing socially unacceptable things if I had the option to choose, like strip naked and scream like a madman. I'm just waiting for this feedback all the time. For instructions on how to proceed, even for the simplest things. I also have a compulsion to tell the truth just because it's fact, and I'm not sure about how feeling remorse works. I feel remorse, but I'm not sure if it comes from being aware I caused an inconvenience or because I'm sad or scared about the negative view the person will hold about me. A mix of both with heavy leaning on the second one I'd say. Is this autism? I know, it's laughable if I ask it like this. Probably cringy too. A "normal" person wouldn't have this thought, or wouldn't share it, because "normal" people either know how to behave or don't express what's going on their mind all the time, for a reason that I know is related to social norms and constructions, but I don't really understand as common sense in the core of who I am. Is this autism as well? It still sounds like a joke. It's serious for me. In any case I still have to determine what to do now. I'm obviously being a nuisance here. I'm learning a lot but by doing so I'm hurting some strangers that don't deserve my stupidity (regardless of the inflated relevance I'm giving to their opinion because of this compulsion to be liked, I literally know them from 3 weeks). I already feel the subtle displeasure when I'm around. I've become my most feared kind of person: the awkward, cringy one whom you can't even begin to explain what is doing wrong, you just want them to go away. It has happened to me, I've been forcefully tossed and chained with this kind of people in the past (eg. in high-school) and I know how frustrating and infuriating it feels. I don't want to cause this and have in my conscience that every time they think about me, they'll relate it to this sensation. It's already happening however, and now I must accept it and react. But if I return home is back to square one. Back to do nothing. Back to no future and no hope. Well, fuck.