Hitaru

Good things happened, including a now hilarious story involving an unrequited crush, a soft punk concert and crying and vomiting in the bathroom while bantering about it via phone. Ah! Girlhood! Delayed adolescence, what an experience. I constantly joke about how the Estrogen pills are making me do weird stuff, but I actually believe I'm using them as the "excuse" (in a good way) to humor myself (if that makes sense) and cope with handling this... finally feeling able to express lots and lots of repressed identity. I'm getting closer towards picking my full name which will probably and semi-unintentionally sound quite princess-y like, even tho my mother surprisingly approves. I might have broken some internal circuit of the universe. My relationship with her is much better now and her own process of discovering and accepting has been amazing, so I'm bound to review dozens of journal pages, editing or putting in context lots and lots of mean things and exaggerated criticism I awkwardly spurted over the years. It feels embarrassing now (awkward and embarrassing are understatements, I don't want to use slurs about the intellectually diverse even if my internet background made me think of those kinds of words for myself) but, in hindsight, I was projecting a lot of shit considering how much we are alike on the deep levels, no matter her actual defects, or mine. I'm sorry mom. I love you. Been feeling very disconnected from my studies lately and the pressure of being a functional wi- erm, having a "harmonious cohabitation" with my SO is really shaking me up. I'm on my second warning now and honestly, I don't know if I can make it, or at least if I can make it in a matter of days, few weeks at most. 6 months ago I was still relapsing, stuck at home and couldn't even go to a store by myself, to name just the first thing that crossed my mind. Many times I feel the only people who'll be fully aware and appreciate my progress is this community, but then again, you don't have to live with me and take my worn clothes out of the living room, hah. I think difficult and stressful times are coming, and somehow I feel I'm on my own to confront them. I can't help but think that I'll fail but that won't stop me from trying. No matter if no one ever notices I did my best.

Este es mi antiguo diario en español, que ahora prosigue aquí. Sí, para mi este giro de guión también fue inesperado. Bueno, en realidad no tanto, sobre todo a medida que hilo con el pasado. Desde el principio hubo pequeños misterios, sensaciones que en aquel momento no tenían nombre y a las que nadie de mi entorno, ni siquiera yo, dábamos demasiada importancia, ellos por ignorancia, yo por autorepresión o porque había cosas más urgentes que atender, como el fracaso escolar o la adicción. Algunas de esas situaciones "solo" eran rarezas, inadaptaciones sociales o peculiaridades de persona nacida con ese odioso y elitista cociente intelectual. Pero para el resto, años después encontré un término que de golpe les dio sentido: disforia de género. Fue emocionante, clarificador y en cierto modo terrorífico. Creo que mi reacción al descubrimiento lo normalizó mucho, porque todo lo demás en mi vida también lo he recibido con esa caótica mezcla de entusiasmo, curiosidad y sobre todo miedo. Soy esa persona que cuando alguien más está nerviosa siempre mantiene la calma, pero cuando nadie mira está gritando por dentro. A veces pienso que quizá sea la persona más valiente que conozco, no por haber superado muchas cosas, sino porque a poca gente que conozca le asustan las cosas más simples como a mí. Superar cada día, un día 'normal', se sigue sintiendo como un reto. La historia en concreto se remonta a... En realidad a la pubertad, pero el proceso real empezó hace un año. 2019 fue el año de las dudas, las preguntas y los descubrimientos. 2020 de momento consiste en aplicar lo aprendido. Está siendo emocionante pero agotador a varios niveles. Todavía tengo dudas y reflexiones conmigo misma que iré publicando de vez en cuando; me llevó más de una semana escribir esta introducción y no se me ocurre cómo sintetizar varios años de proceso en un solo post, además de que han ido ocurriendo cosas recientemente. No todos los días deja una los videojuegos y la testosterona.

Welcome to the forum and congrats on those two weeks! Hope you feel welcomed here ☺️

I've begun the next quarter at Uni, I passed 4/5 subjects and today marks one month in HRT. I feel moody and tired lately, but things are going ok. I'm currently in the middle of stablishing a stable study schedule and getting more accustomed with daily life. The latter is my worst area right now. It always was so, nothing new.

Este diario está [CERRADO]. Continúa aquí.

No podemos elegir los privilegios que nos tocan al nacer, así que sentirse mal por que te los hayan otorgado tiene sentido, pero no es nada productivo. Yo también me he sentido que estaba privilegiada por haber disfrutado de todo el tiempo del mundo para jugar mientras mi madre proveía por mi, y también me ha hecho sentir mal, culpable e impotente a veces. Pero sí está en nuestra mano compartir lo que tenemos (tiempo y/o dinero) para equilibrar la balanza. ¿Por justicia social? Sí, por supuesto. Pero también porque un mundo donde todos puedan tener la oportunidad de desarrollarse es un mundo que funciona mejor, un mundo más amable y en general un mundo que merece la pena. El nosotros no debería surgir de la culpa o el martirio, sino de pensar "¿Cómo podemos mejorar lo que ya hay?" Nosotros no deja de ser "Yo, con los demás" (si no, sería "Ellos", no?) Mucho ánimo!

Hola, bienvenido al foro! (Yo fui el mod que recibió y eliminó tu post duplicado, comprobé que quedaba el otro pero si dices que se eliminó también debió ser un bug del foro, disculpa la molestia) En mi caso yo no tengo hermanos y tuve todo el tiempo del mundo para jugar, pero eso no me dio una sensación de poder hacerlo cuando quisiera y por tanto perder interés, sino que simplemente lo hice todo el rato hasta que me acabé enganchando. Suelo pensar que me habría ayudado poder moderar y diversificar mi tiempo en otras cosas, así que es interesante leer a alguien que siente la perspectiva opuesta. Mucho ánimo con la semana!

Welcome to the forum! It's great that you found out how gaming was affecting you and decided to change for the best. We have a journal section if you want to write down your process, lessons you've learned, vent if you need it, etc. Hope you can find value in the forums!

Hello Laurie! Welcome to the forum, and get well soon!

Welcome to the forum Jean! Perhaps you have to reevaluate your relationship with gaming, it's not black-or-white. Gaming was and is objectively fun and it made you connect with people during some dark times of your life (mine too), so that was a positive thing and you have to give credit where credit is due. But now it's also keeping you from reaching something else, the next exciting level of your life where you define yourself (in broad terms) and set course towards what you want to do with your (limited, sorry for the downer) time. It's a beautiful thing to discover and if games are making it harder for you, then you may have a choice to make in your hands. Never out of resentment for lost time. The woke way (?) is focusing on your potential and thinking about what would 'the best version' of yourself look like. You'd still have to handle some sort of 'grieving' process, letting go from something that was so relevant in your life, but if you feel you need to do it, then you have to stop in a way that makes sense to you. Is it legitimate to say "I'll reach this goal and then stop"? Yes. But you have to take into account that in gaming, a goal usually leads to another immediately next to the previous one (they're designed to be that way). So yeah, do it in a way that doesn't make you regret or look back, but don't get stuck into procrastinating committing to quit until this or that happens. Good luck with everything and feel free to browse the forum!

Hi Lucas! Welcome to the forum! I used to (still do from time to time) watch group gameplays from people I find funny, and perhaps I watch them at inconvenient times. I used to play my games alone so there is this kind of, you know, feeling of belonging by proxy, getting the inside jokes, finding out about their personalities, etc. Ironically I've found some classmates IRL who played or sometimes still play the same games I did and we get along great, but I've decided (and they've followed) to settle with sharing memes and agree on how hard we would fail the year if we got to play again (?) Binge-watching Netflix is this century's collective problem, so at least you're not alone there...! Keeping up to date with the most popular series can also become a social pressure, so it sucks sometimes. I do it mostly with friends or my partner so for me it fits in the category of "social stuff to do (sometimes)". Relying on someone else's account or putting the way you consume it in perspective may help. Board games are mighty fine imo, I love to hang out with friends to play at someone's place, have some lunch or dinner and drink moderately. If they don't give you cravings or urges to go back to bad habits, I'd say go for it. Good luck with your hobbies! I did a bit of piano and I'm still trying to get into violin. May be a lost battle but I'm not giving up yet (?) A lot of people here are into programming so you can check the threads about it in the forum. Hope you find this place useful! ☺️

No problem. We also have a hobby list if you need some ideas of new activities. Some of them may be out of reach for you but it can give you a general picture 😶

Hi! Fellow college student here. I think you've come a long way already. The feelings of boredom are to be expected actually: games are efficient at getting you entertained (that's why we get hooked) so when we stop everything else feels 'toned down'; less appealing somehow, even if we like it, did it in the past or promised ourselves we would start it as soon as we quit gaming. This feeling is normal and, to be honest, it's a bother. Something that helps me is thinking about how entertained is not the same as fulfilled. Starting a game is easy, but after you stop playing you feel tired, void and unsatisfied (I used to feel like that at least). Like a video game hangover. Instead, going to class takes me an enormous effort, but in the end I love what I'm studying so I always get home satisfied, happy, no matter if the lesson was boring or I have a lot of work, the feeling runs deeper. It's the same for leisure activities, those take me an extra effort because I can always talk myself into doing them later (while I can think about class as a responsibility or duty). My advice: 1. Remember what you used to enjoy, still enjoy or what to start, write it down. 2. Find people who are already doing that and stick to them, they can help you commit into keep doing the thing. 3. Be extra strict with the limitations with gaming. If you know by experience that buying gaming rig leads you to play, you gotta make it so you keep your cool and not fall for that again. It sucks and maybe you could be able to play moderately in the future, but you gotta ask yourself honestly if right now is that time or not. 4. Be kind with yourself and have patience. Honestly. Gaming gives rewards easily with relatively low effort. Other things take time, but the rewards are massive in comparison. You're playing the long game here, no pun intended. It's not as much about gaming or not gaming as about who you really want to be. EDIT: Also, welcome to the forum! The folks here can tell you about what they do, a lot of us are also struggling with filling our day with other things than gaming. Hope you feel welcomed here and find it useful!

I survived this fateful week, settled in the new home and finished my first quarter's exams. I even got one of those fancy honorary commendations in one of my courses (History, the irony of it), could have gotten two more with a bit more planning and luck. Anyway my grades were pretty good and I did it in the middle of changing homes, starting HRT and getting out of a relapse so, phew. I can chill for a bit now. Trying to get a bit more involved in the city life in the meantime. Also my chest has gotten sore and it's early for that, which is good news, but bad news. Ouch.

¡Bienvenido al foro Iván! Gracias por hacer un trabajo tan especial y enhorabuena por el tiempo que llevas sin jugar. Tómate el tiempo que necesites para escribir y no te sientas obligado a compartir algo con lo que no te sientas cómodo (datos personales que te hagan identificable, emociones o experiencias que todavía no hayas terminado de gestionar interiormente, etc). Es cierto que publicar te expone a que otros (como yo ahora) te leamos, pero no deja de ser un proceso esencialmente introspectivo y personal. Úsalo y disfruta de él a tu manera. Y si algún día necesitaras de algún tipo de ayuda más allá que la satisfacción de escribir (ayuda profesional), recuerda que es la prioridad y no dudes en pedirla. No podemos ni queremos sustituir ningún tipo de terapia profesional contrastada científicamente. El foro y la comunidad son, ante todo, una herramienta. Me alegro de que nos hayas encontrado y espero que te sirva. Mucho ánimo y fuerza.

Fellow student here. Welcome to the forum, stay strong!

February 1st, 2020 What was supposed to be a brief visit by my bf took a turn towards the unknown, when he was called with the news that he got the job he applied to, some time ago, in the same city I'm currently studying at. After 3 years of long distance we were very enthusiastic about the idea of living together, and in any case single person flats in this city are absolute garbage, so we were left with a week to look for a new place to stay and find a new roommate for my current place. And we made it! So at least for the next year, starting today, I'll be living the Fully Adult Experience© February 2nd, 2020 So yesterday was the first day of the fabled, socially expected, adult life. Nothing too fancy: We woke up at my now old apartment, finished moving, went hilariously overboard buying groceries and then I finished organizing my stuff and started studying while my bf cleaned and put everything else in order. House still looks a bit empty, and I have the impression it's going to become cramped when his stuff arrives, but looks kinda more homely now. Had lunch and also dinner, my stomach got upset, then we went to sleep for the first time in our forefathers style, then I had an anxiety attack and my body was shaking for an hour... The usual and expected. After all I was dreading this moment for years on end and my journal is good proof of that, even if I picked the best person I know and probably will ever know for the job. He is also anxious about it so we've been hugging and trying to emotionally support each other from the start, maybe like two scared kids at one of these "enchanted houses" from amusement parks. The scary house theme keeps up it seems. I feel I need to keep my spirits high not to make him believe I'm suffering, or give this moment in our lives a sour note as I usually do, so I'll try my best at that. To be honest I was never sure I'd reach this far, even if I fuck up spectacularly in the next months (which also seems unlikely, to be even more honest). I am going through my best yet most feared thing with all the grace and stoicism I possibly can, as I always believed was what I was supposed to do. I don't feel specially proud. I'd rather cry and scream and roll around in the floor as I really feel the need to. I just might one of these days and it will feel great, even if my boyfriend will be unaprecciative of my... emotional expression. And don't get me wrong, I actually am stupidly happy.

Welcome to the forum!

These days have been a mess, but I think I'm finally getting through. At first I relapsed and I was gaming pretty heavily since I didn't have the willpower to reset the laptop and hand it over to my flatmates as some sort of shared/under surveillance property, my initial plan. I could do it in the end and I feel very proud for it. I haven't been playing since and I'm handling it ok. I have cravings tho. Then, I finally began HRT. I was very nervous and had to make some serious, very existential decisions (such as deciding if I wanted to have biological children), things you wouldn't expect from a spanish 25 year old youth in this day and age, but I did regardless, sorted myself out and well... It's a strange feeling, taking paths you can't return from. I'm not used to it at all. But it can't be helped. And it's not such a bad thing either. I skipped 3 exams due to anxiety and poor organization, but I got maximum scores in the one I did. I have the last one tomorrow, and then a second chance in February for the ones I left behind. I can do it. I just need to tone down my unrealistic expectations of perfection. All in all, I survived the first semester of university (at least I'm not getting expelled) and I took a definite step towards achieving who I really am. The problem was never the meds, but the effort to assert myself and committing to a life of never giving up. Instead of the usual surviving or perpetuating continued existence at the most basic level. I'm feeling very emotional as well, because yesterday I went to visit an elderly transgender activist and the experience was pretty intense. In her notes about her self-reflections I could clearly see the same questions and doubts and ideas that I have, yet... me being 50 years younger. I could witness first hand what could possibly be the final stage of the life of an introspective trans lady. In other words, what could be me, in the future. All my existential angst came from somehow believing I could do something to avoid a future I imagined to be grim and terrifying. I believed there was something I could do, or think, or feel; to avoid the dreadful feeling of impeding doom, of being slowly and violently pulled away from this world I suddenly appeared in, the fear that has crippled me since childhood. It turns out, I can't! Boo hoo. My 'worst' assumptions about how it would feel have been always true, it was just me trying to escape and avoid facing reality. I will feel sad, lonely and scared in my last years, if I'm lucky enough to arrive to them, because that's what being old is about, getting ready to die, sit down and reflect on what you did, and hopefully scare some fool youngling like me into avoiding making the mistakes you did. This woman wasn't an irredeemable ball of sadness either, in the slightest. In fact she is still devoting all her strength towards researching and writing, two things I love to do as well (when I am emotionally stable). So yeah, it's one day suddenly feeling very sick and inevitably horrified and then eternal darkness BUT it's not like I must be such a fucking pussy about it. I'm serious despite the bullshit tone. In conclusion, I don't need to have all the answers, because there's no answers. Second, I should use my body all I can, even if I wasn't spending a lot of money and perhaps risking my health to make it in tune with my inner identity. And I should be kinder with my loved ones. I really should. I can start by insisting on how much this community means to me (even if, figures, I'm always too busy or stressed out to actually interact with the vast majority of you). Writing here saved my life. So I should do something interesting with it.

Been a while!

@BooksandTrees Absolutely. All these years I thought I didn't like social gatherings. One of the (actually many) pros of being adult is you get to choose your own conditions. I just had to find the folks I was comfortable around, the setting, etc. You know? I'm actually an optimist at heart (really...!). For instance I don't agree with these people who say birthdays, Christmas and the sort are sadder each year because of the ones who're not with us anymore (be it because they're not around or usually from the context of the sentence, because they're dead), and I'm old enough to have lost a few of my own. First of all, most of the dead would slap anyone with that attitude if they had the chance. And second, each year you have the opportunity to gather a new family, one that you choose. Perhaps since I'm LGTBI+ I do unconsciously share this groupal idea of "chosen family"; perhaps it's because my family gatherings with my father's used to be very dysfunctional and my family is a nuclear one (Mom, Grandma, recently our cat and I) at core, so there are not many folks to lose there, maybe it's my and my family's installed mindset of avoiding being a downer at all costs (this is a bad thing guys, you gotta let go of that negative feelings, trust me), or a mix of everything and all. This reflection is not casual. Something happened these days. I was planning to return home for Christmas but I had something of an emotional breakdown and cancelled all plans. I've been hiding at the apartment without eating or showering for several days. Last night I was lying in bed silently screaming what the actual fuck am I doing with my life and this morning I had enough and put some things in order. Basic things: whashed clothes and myself, shaved, ate a little (it will take time to recover, my metabolism is unforgiving). Today's plan is to save a fellow sister from her apparently obnoxious family, hence all this thought about chosen families and the idea of perhaps turning this into a tradition, some kind of social gathering scheme for misfits and rejected folks. I'd still need to visit my mother during the holidays tho, she's chill(ish, probably because I'm mostly chill myself). And I genuinely want to see her, boomer mindset (slowly in process of deconstruction) and all. It's been a few rough days in fact, but I don't want to dwell on them. I'm looking forward now, towards the new decade. I have several things in mind I became aware of during this time of isolation but they need to crystalize in the form of words yet. Good things, I reckon.

20/12/19 Yesterday I finished the bulk of my assignments against all odds, then in the evening I hosted a classmate and friend reunion at home (my apartment). We did this 'invisible friend' thing (I think it was called 'Secret Santa' in English) in which you get randomly assigned a person to gift and then we had dinner. It was a pretty simple thing and yet it filled me with joy. I don't want to sound cringy or like a victim because it's in the past now but, growing up being bullied and lonely, now being able to fill a table with friends that appreciate me for who I am is... it warms my heart. The spirit of Christmas, who knows. I know better now, I understand these people may be very temporary in my life because of our circumstances; I can't expect them to be my soul mates, but I do can appreciate that right here and now their feelings are sincere. I've always struggled to keep a tight group of friends, but it's clear(er) now the issue was more about "bad luck" (friends having to move away looking for work, life happening in general) and isolation from gaming addiction rather than specific, individual, social skills impairment (my 12 yo self would be thrilled to know!). On Friday I assisted to my last compulsory session, then I rested and went to a birthday dinner. Saturday was mostly wasting time, I wasn't really in the mood for anything, good or bad. I did speak with a long lost friend, and I must have surely made a terrible impression on him because I was dozing off during the call (my sleeping hours this week have been almost purposefully negligent). Then today I've been spending the day resting and tidying up the apartment in order to close it for the holidays. I'm proud about my newly developed housework skills. I may be procrastinating the time to return home, but also I'm a bit malnourished right now so I do everything slowly. The moment I arrive home it's my time to focus and commit for 2020 and the beginning of the process of literally building a new, improved person. It's doable even if it's hard, but I need to cherish the process and keep the end goal in sight. Whatever that may be. There's another thing I realized. Youth is ableist by nature. I keep thinking I may have strength to go out indefinitely but that is far from the truth. Every day I spend at home now has begun to feel like a wasted opportunity under my new mindset. When I'm old, if I ever am, I'll have plenty of time to sit down and spend my days leisurely with a book or the TV. I'm doing things in the wrong order. Now it's the time to get out and do stupid things, and I should be doing them if I don't want to live in regret later. I'll try my best to remember this.

18/12/19 @BooksandTrees You're right! People stared at me of course, but it wasn't as I had anticipated. And, here's the key, even if it was, in reality I can handle hostility much more... gracefully, than what I picture in my head. After this week I'll be on vacation so I'll be able to relax and focus on studying for January exams and hanging with my folks. Today I took it farther and chose feminine clothes with short hair (no wig) and without shaving my 35-ish hour stubble. It was a much more aggressive look and people were more shocked, but I felt I owed to myself that much. Like, I couldn't live in constant fear of how people was "reading" me, so I decided to step out of the box and outright challenge it. The day hasn't finished yet but daring to it felt pretty good. I'm much more capable (of rebelling and standing up for myself) than I think I am. I feel that I'm focusing a lot on this particular aspect of my life lately, but it's the novelty I guess. My social transition was fast (even forcefully so) and emotionally intense. The rest of my life (studying and such) is fun but maybe dull to describe (I could regale you with my personal impressions on Political Philosophy and Policymaking Theory if you're really interested lol). Feels like the closure of an act of this particular stage. End of the year, of the decade, of the assigned identity... like, it gives off a strong psychological and emotional vibe. Other people would call it "magic", right? It certainly feels like it. In December 2010 I was a 16 year old incel (both sociologically and ideologically) on a steady, no brakes course towards becoming a high-school dropout NEET. Today I'm a gallant university student and your most lovely resident queer (?).

Today was the day! In the end I chose masculine jeans with a neutral sweater, no make-up and the wig. The no make-up part was intentional; I don't "pass" in any case so I rather show them a more casual appearance and make everything else look like an extra. "I don't owe femininity", I stan that idea. The reaction was positive. I'm not sure everyone put the pieces together but I told casually about my identity to the ones who did ask, so the word is out. It's done. Phew. I arrived home and literally collapsed in my bed for hours, emotionally exhausted. But I'm happy. Happy. More than I initially expected. Weird, huh? Who could tell good things could take me by surprise. Nothing much to add. I'm busy with some assignments. I feel I can finally focus on my studies again, but I won't be fully relaxed until I have a relatively diverse wardrobe of clothes, new social media and work accounts and have a more or less fixed average day schedule. The endless struggle, specially the last one. Busy but content. Thank goodness.

This friday was the Christmas dinner with some classmates and even a few teachers. I used the opportunity to officially come out as Celia my Batwoman alter ego and the response was very positive. The look I chose was very high-maintenance so now I'm about worried about the high bar of stereotyped femininity I may or may not have set (because I'm a lazy one, and even I don't expect to wake up every day an hour early to properly present myself as I'd like everyone, including myself, to see me. Attachable womanhood, the way of the future...!) In any case, I do me. As long as I continue to deliver good results at class, teachers should be fine with me. Ironically it's me the one who feels insecure and people keep telling me it's fine, so maybe (?) I should take their advice for once. Dysphoria hits in those intimate moments when I'm alone with myself removing my wig, makeup and clothes, but I'm sure I'm also learning a lot about myself. Like, it doesn't feel as a charade anymore, or at least any different from my usual imposter syndrome. The man I see in the mirror in those moments doesn't look like an enemy now. He looks... fragile, vulnerable maybe. Someone I know, and to be honest, I empathize with, someone who needs to be protected and told 'It's fine, don't worry'. The woman I see is strong, navigating confidently among the chaos that is the world and my fears and embracing them, but deep down I know it's the front I'm slowly accepting I always wanted to show, though that doesn't make her less real. Deep, deep down, perhaps I'll always be that genderless child who was scared, and still is, of death (of the body or the spirit) and loneliness. That is the ultimate acceptance. Boy, girl, never mattered. Masculine, feminine, I always preferred feminine. But [beyond that] I have this task, to accompany this frightened child hand by hand to their deathbed. Sometimes it feels like too much. Some other times it feels like so much that I'm completely absorbed, to the point I can't even be bothered or hurt by whatever nonsense others may say or think about me. It's funny; in those moments is when I advance. The ones that feel insurmountable. Perhaps I'm fooling myself and I actually like to be alive and fight. Still it's tiresome and the soul grows heavy; specially for the ones with certain and overdone melancholic tendencies. Next up, some boring chores and a panic on Monday by not knowing what the hell wear to class. Forward we go.