Hitaru

This is the key of our disagreement. The only difference between one and the other is movement. LiS is displayed in 3D while Visual Novels are displayed in 2D. Both are games or neither. Also, if they're not damaging, what's the point in avoiding them? I'm having much trouble staying clean from damaging stuff as it is...!

Still 21. Not for long. They don't last forever. Society failed and lied to me again. Consider (please) the following: 1. Why the fuck do you still have a Steam account? Why not. Tons of free novels and starting developers I can learn about, in a simple platform where I can directly observe first-hand customer reaction and commentary, among many other things. 2. If you "couldn't help" but to buy LiS, I'd say that's a different situation. It was rhetorical. Of course I could "help it", but consciously decided against it. 3. Look, just watch this playthrough Not the same, in my opinion. Like going to the Zoo. Hopefully I'll be designing my own adventure/visual novel/thing in the future, so I must experience it hands-on. 4. Ideally we wouldn't even be discussing that, but here we are. Not sure what "that" is, but I like it here. Of all the places I've been, this is by far one of the less shitty. Being a hopeless wretch is a small fee for all the chills and these cool dudes and the prospect of contributing to gaming addiction research. And the prospect of not being a hopeless wretch... someday. 5. It's ok to fail, but can you even claim you're trying if you're still buying games off Steam? But I said I didn't. And for further clarification, here are the first 4 definitions of "game" in the spanish Dictionary of the Royal Academy (hence, Word of God): 1. m. Acción y efecto de jugar por entretenimiento. (Action and effect of playing for entertainment) 2. m. Ejercicio recreativo o de competición sometido a reglas, y en el cual se gana o se pierde. (Recreational or competitive activity subject to rules in which one can either win or lose) 3. m. Práctica del juego de azar. (The practice of game of chance) 4. m. Actividad intrascendente o que no ofrece ninguna dificultad. (Inconsequential activity, or posing no difficulty) Was I entertained while playing? Yes (I can try to be bored). Was it the main purpose? Not for me at least. That's why I got Life is Strange instead the new Hearts of Iron, for example. (There's a saying here that goes: "Don't mention the rope in the Hangman's house". Just thinking about the months wasted if I ever have that game in my hands gives me goosebumps) If you ask me, same as a book, different format. I didn't buy any games the other day. Screw playability, I don't give a **** about those puzzles I still haven't come across. - Why don't you go for a book? I can of course. Personally I've developed a weird case of PTSD concerning books, comics, and more recently movies and webcomics, but I always keep that (those) options in mind (then anxiety kicks in and I forget about it, but that hasn't anything to do with games or the detox since it comes from a long time ago). I wish I could read a book D: (not giving them up yet). So if it's interactive and entertaining it's a game and I'm playing and everything is the same as before. Well fuck historical novels then, I'm going directly to the scholarly essays, since it's not supposed to be entertaining and engaging. Being completely honest, playing or watching or interacting or whatever with that shit doesn't feel like a life-breaker. I'm a lot more worried about sleeping at day instead of night lately, that surely brings me closer to how were things before, and not learning about the misfortunes of Hipster Girl. And I could get SO HOOKED to films and books with just a wrong step or two, I could almost put them in the same box as games in terms of dangerousness.

Quite the cat lover bunch, aren't we? This little guy is my cat Flan (spanish for pudding). It's my very first pet and he's just amazing. Smart, polite, well-behaved, brave, quiet, calm and always cheerful. His human buddy could learn a thing or two of him. It's easy to keep track of how much time he's been with us, since I'm simply not allowed to play in his watch! I get pissed sometimes because he REALLY loves to chew on wires and sit on the laptop. Maybe it's a subtle way of telling me I should use it a lot less (and surely play with him more). Clever ... Yes, @WorkInProgress, sorry for the quality This pic was taken just two or three days after his arrival. He adapted his new home perfectly despite leaving behind 9 brothers and 2 mothers (they were a biiiiig cat family). He's being restless lately, I feel I've been neglecting him. Not anymore. Today I'm taking him to the vet, they need to check on him and put the first vaccines. And I'll make sure he feels loved. But seriously, so clingy sometimes...! I should have named him Limpet.

I'd say "Go google it you lazy ass!" but considering your schedule that would be a hell of an overstatement. Heck no, an outright lie. Man, I don't even know how you make to be everywhere at the same time! It means: "Cam was a complete stranger in the Internet before his TED talk". Actually you were probably someone in the internet, way into the past. For some unhealthy reasons. -------------------------- Steam sales came and I want to proudly state that while I was quite tempted to do so, I didn't spend a single coin in games. Wohoo! But I couldn't help to put my claws into Life is Strange. I was a huge fan of the Choose Your Own Adventure book series, and I'm also quite into Visual Novels, so it was a must. Life is References, dude! Well, it had to happen. I couldn't help but to feel like an uncultured piece of shit while watching "Tumblrs Favourite Tales of Hipsterism". I've even been writing all the references down in a notebook to (hopefully) enlighten myself later. It's serious business. Sure, the lass is a Mary Sue if I ever saw one and the blue haired chick is nothing less than a 90's TV show teenage version of Léa Seydoux in La Vie d'Adèle (or much more accurately, her comic original counterpart). But damn son. My giddy aunt. I've talked about this before, I'm sure. What is "knowledge"? What is "culture"? Do I really have to read Kerouac or watch some von Trier films to be good to go? Knowledge has now become some kind of statement. If you want to identify yourself with something, or some group, then you MUST know this or that. Knowledge shouldn't be obligatory; you're making it a chore. You're turning culture into schooling. Knowledge is the new religion. Like the notion of God was made by the Church into something you had to fear, I do fear the world of knowledge. Will I have enough? What do I have to do to know? What do I have to know to reach Nirvana? Is it with me? Do I have the favor of those who watch over it? Am I devoted enough? I thought we were way past that already. It makes me sick. Being an "intellectual" detaches you from the real world, and I'm already detached from normal realities as it is. Also social issues were also on the table. I was expected to turn into a member of this caste of intellectuals so much that I ended up rebelling against it and threw my life into the trash can in the process. Maybe I just had to accept it. I've been stubbornly refusing to make any step towards any kind of self-improvement. I am ashamed of that. And sad. I threw away all my "years of discovery". You can't begin to imagine how sad it makes me feel. I could cry. But I never cry because of my issues. It's just boiling inside, I can feel it. It doesn't take a psychologist or a volcanologist to say that's a freaking bad sign. So I have to know. I have to know. I have to. Even if I don't want or don't see the point. I have to be prepared. I have to always make a way. I don't want to be left behind. Will that make me happier? Will I feel fulfilled? I don't think so. A shit ton of movies, books and music would be a powerful distraction from games at the very least, that's for sure. I don't want to be closed-minded, avoiding gaming is not everything in my life I do not have anything to fill my life with right now. I just sleep the days away. I'm 7960 days old right now. I should get moving. I really want to... ...but I'm afraid. All this abstract notion of "knowledge" scares the shit out of me. But since I wanted to take the artistic path, I got to stick to it I guess. Muhammad Ali used to say he hated his training but he didn't make big deal of it because he was completely focused on his goal of being the champion he ultimately was. Guess my training gotta be syphoning geek and hipster mana into my brain like iron into the forge. I just hope something good and original comes out from this, instead of becoming an intellectual. This people above of my league I usually talk about are also the most cultured and witty humans I know. Starting to piece things together? It all comes back the same shit. I want to be cultured not because it will make me happier but because it will make me more social. I want to be more social just because since I was a brat everyone gave me the cold shoulder and doctors said I was "clinically misfit". Well fuck you, doctors. Fuck. You. And no, anonymous girl I once fucked, having culture is not "ridiculously easy since everyone could just turn on the DVD and start watching shit". Just no, ok? Even if you are an Encyclopedia. You are. But no. My mother has watched way more "completely must watch" films than me but what credit does she have? She watches and plays Candy Crush at the same time, for Gods' sake! She believes in the afterlife, how the hell can she be so damn disrespectful with the people who made those films for her? It ticks me off like almost anything else. My colleague @Marchosias fears he crossed a point of no return turning 30 (you can find his tribulations in his journal if you haven't already). In a similar way I fear I'm too old to do something crazy, to experiment, to learn, to make mistakes. It was massively easier 5 years ago. Where was I 5 years ago? It was intended to be a rethoric question but I actually have to do the math, I'm struggling very hard to remember: 2016 - No gaming year. 21-22 yo. Present time. 2015 - Leaving Theatre School + Existential crisis. 20-21 yo. A year ago. 2014 - Pointless projects + Theatre School. 19-20 yo. 2 years ago. (My God.) 2013 - 18-19 yo. Break-up with crazy gf. Went to Rome. Pointless projects. 3 years ago. 2012 - 17-18 yo. Dropped HS. Tried Distance education. Twice. Crazy gf. 4 years ago. 2011 - 16-17 yo. High School. My first play. Repeated HS. Crazy gf. 5 years ago. I had to think REAL HARD to fill the voids, phew. Those 2013 and 12 are really shaky. But yes, that's basically it. I've fucked up my teens for good. The other six years were spent playing games. The other 10 were a nightmare of bullying, an alcoholic father and people trying to "fix" me. Well seen like that is pretty depressing. I don't even remember my life being so shitty. I suppose I was wrong. Now I'm getting sick. Sleep deprivation is not helping. It probably was a big procrastination to avoid drawing but I don't want to think all my existentialism and depression is just a lame excuse for laziness. It would make me more pathetic than I already am for wasting my life. While at the same time, these cultured people were... well, learning. Please kill me already. This is positively unbearable. No, I'm kidding. I can always bear more misery and self-pity. I don't have a limit. I wish I had the same resilience to live and not just to be a living corpse. Wow, it was all jokes not so long ago and it sure took a downer turn, sorry. I'll just end it here.

Renouncing our Lord and Savior? Ara, ara~~ Actually I don't know or I don't recall your stance on this topic and my light-hearted satire could've been offensive. Not my intention. Not in an unfriendly way I meeeaan... Ah, today this guys were completely euphoric. Nothing like the joy of the innocent to brighten up your day...! But Europe collapsing or whatever is no real deal compared to the fact you reached 30 days mate. I'm not your parents or anything but I'm honestly proud of you sir.

It's a staple sentence, or a trope, of western films. The outsider (el forastero) arrives at town and everything is eerily quiet until the local sheriff/bad guy appears and says, "Not so fast...". Or he is already in the local tavern and suggests "We should just go get the bad guys" and the barman (always world-wise and prudent at best) says, "Hey, not so fast, things don't work like that around here...", and a thousand examples more It's a completely outdated term in any other situation; to say "outsider" (especially to say non-national) we use "extranjero", to say "stranger" (someone you don't recognise) we use "extraño" and to say someone you don't know (or don't know yet) you say "desconocido". - Los nacionalistas suelen sospechar de los extranjeros. - Nunca aceptes dulces de un extraño/desconocido. - (Yo) Le quería pero ya no le reconozco, (Él) es como un extraño. - @Cam Adair era un completo desconocido en Internet hasta que habló en TED. (correct me if i'm wrong!) ------------ The beginning of today was awful. I had planned a fast trip to Seville to visit a friend and hoard summer clothes (and a few articles of clothing primarily designed to be flashy rather than comfortable, for incoming social reasons). After spending the night awake and losing my train 3 times (the last one by a literal minute) I said fuck it. It wasn't that great of an idea anyway. Instead of going home and do nothing, I was already outside so I spent the whole morning looking for clothes driven by frustration. Given my gender, globalization and my location, scavenging for clothes is a complete nightmare and overall a most unpleasant experience. That's why I usually drag someone along with me (anyone....! ) but today I was on my own and I fared pretty well. I even didn't return home empty-handed, and that's saying something...! I'm more the thrifty kind of shopper, but even so I'm always worried of overdoing it. Consumerism is a bitch. (You might find it trivial but each little everyday thing I can do independently is a HUGE personal victory, like cooking, shopping, cleaning...) Yesterday I didn't fill you in with the necessary details. What I was calling a social interaction was more like a work interaction. I've been failing at social interactions, including yesterday and today, but I don't have trouble with the theory. I can make friends, but lately I've been struggling to keep them. But this interaction was different. I joined a group of actors seeking to start making short films. Nothing much at first, but I like to see the big picture. Even if the product itself was crap (way too early to predict), there are more valuable things. Experience, training, connections. 95% percent of the actor's baggage until Scorsese calls to your door. Plus, it's fun and fulfilling. Meetings are a mix between training, script discussion and a long-term audition. They started thursday last week, and I didn't go. Then yesterday I was even dressed, but I also procrastinated getting ready until it was late and justified not going. I get a bit overzealous with anything I label as work (not that it happens often...) so yesterday I was simply out of myself. I'm sorry. Good news is, I received a message where they were preparing the next meeting, and it happened to be today, 15 minutes after I read it. I was completely ready since I just arrived home, so I darted there without too much thinking or they expecting my appeareance. My first impressions have been good. I was terryfied since I know my friend who pushed me into this and the kind of folks he hangs out with. Way above my league. To my utter surprise, I'm one of the most veteran and solid actors there, and I wouldn't say my formation was... solid. Perhaps I should start doing it, and just call it "short"? Obviously they still are by average more sociable, charismatic and even beautiful than me, but hey, I got a name in the hood of being a guy who knows what is going on, and that's most chill. This weekend I need to binge in drawing practice or my teacher will get really mad at me. As mother would say, "at least is not cutting stones". I wonder if she has experience cutting stones...?

"No tan rápido, forastero." (reasons below) Warning: Cluster F-Bomb Testing Field I've done fucked up. I fucked up my social interactions. Again. This can't go on. I can endure a videogame relapse, since 80% or 90% percent of my relapses consist in playing for some hours then keep going with my daily life. But I cannot put up with this shit. I do not can. Everything's going fine them BAM, back to square-fucking-one. No sir, nay. It's unacceptable. If I say I'm doing something, then I must DO IT, joder. If I decide not doing anything ever again, that's fine, so be it. But there's something way worse than not doing anything: step back, pussy out, whatever you want to call it. It's basically the same thing, being a liar and an unreliable coward. And it does have consequences. Do I want to be a coward and the laughing stock of my peers? Do I want to be frowned upon, censored and despised? Do I want to be a big, disgusting ball of self-pity and excuses? Hell NO! Then why, how come I can't fucking abide and just act? It's easy, get up from bed, get a shower, get dressed and go. I don't even have to eat each time, I simply can, go! Damn it! Everyone else does! I said this the very first day: I want to be strong. Strong enough to cope with life or strong enough to end it. Whichever comes first. But strong, fuck's sake! Strong enough to live my life as a coward if it comes to that. Strong enough to see each day rise and each day go. Simply. That. Now, I'm not asking for much, do I? Just tell me, how much I'm going to need to lower the bar to see actual, practical progress? Yes, my attitude is improving and yes that's the first step and the foundation of everything else. But attitude can only be maintained through achievement; otherwise it's just delusion. What I'm gonna need to do? Start counting "Days I got up from bed"? "Days I showered"? "Days that didn't begin at 16:00, or ended at 20:00"? Jesus Christ.

Ahem, 9! And counting Not very productive today. At least I drawed and checked on some things. Tomorrow I have interesting plans, related to my aspiring career. Progress!

You can never guess. Here's a haiku: Summertime all things Hanako most wapanese 30 days woo!

Wow, I had a gut feeling when I saw your username at the front page and I was right. Welcome! Basically, I relate with most things you said with very little exceptions, the most notable the gender I'm assuming you have (except on sundays and odd numbered days). Yes, I want to be an artist like you, yes I procrastinate a lot (and I'm terrible at math) and yes, I also have 21 and know that feeling of not being "good enough" at something to start supporting yourself. We have all kinds of dropouts here, from high-school and university, but in all honesty your past or even current situation doesn't define you. People start reading a book, they don't like it and they drop it. They start a job, they don't like it and they quit. And it's fine. Why there is so much drama with courses and careers then? Probably because expectations. Most people see studying as a mean to achieve or shape their lives into something bigger and more concrete than just being here, breathing and taking space and stuff. You don't fail at life if you "fail" to like a book, but if you drop a school then you're doomed to beg for food in the street. The key word here is: chill. You can always find a pointless and meaningless menial job, but that should be an emergency solution. There is an alternative: Do what you really want and you'll be good at it. Be good at it and you'll earn some money. Money is cool. Start again. Alan Watts at its finest. Social anxiety seems to be a key factor in your current situation. For instance, you used games to escape the social situation with your friend, even if rationally you wanted to go. Your boyfriend is very sociable, and I'm guessing you love him being that way since you want to beat your shyness. And at the same time your best friend shares with you your introversion; so you both have a person who empathizes with you walking the same road and a person who is in a position to gently push you out of your comfort zone. Seems like a great plan to me! Also, if it serves you, I was also really shy when it came to online communication. It's just getting used. If you don't feel it "colder" than face-to-face conversations I think you'll come to like it. Yes, you'll very probably find yourself procrastinating a lot, with the most absurd things, unless you have incredible amounts of self-discipline. That shouldn't worry you, it's completely normal. ""Simply"" focus in what you want to do and organize your hobbies without straining your schedules too much. Oh, here, have a simple tutorial on proper attitude, drawn for your convenience: [A cute drawing was here, but now it's no more. Booo :<] Oh no, now I set a precedent and I'll need to draw in each introduction post But I was about to practice when I saw this, so two birds in one shot I guess? Have a great day too!

@WorkInProgress More like GoT (both books and series), Big Bang Theory is like, so 2+ years ago omg lol No but seriously, it truly was ludicrous. Ultra-liberal, ultra-empowered, ultra-third-wave-feminist women may or may not have their attractive and their public (to avoid saying "market") but I'd have a hard time calling them "the average"! Actually, I think I haven't said this anywere else or any time before but... this kind of women gives me the chills. I honestly can't explain why; and since you (@WorkInProgress in this case) have been here for a while you already know my love for a good explanation and my stubborn refusal to avoid any topic. Also goes to the rest of the "regulars" of this not-so-little piece of myself, and if you're reading my stuff for the first time well, now you know! We don't dodge bullets here. In the dialectical field at least. So I wish I had an explanation for this (and for many other things), but I don't. I just know that, when I meet a "too" liberal/empowered girl around my age (middle aged women are a completely different but not opposite story) I automatically "distrust" her. Or I become defensive. I honestly don't know what it is. It gets worse if the girl is pretty. Much worse. And given my circles, artistic n' stuff, I know a bunch of them. Ironically, when they are ugly they tend to be resented at the system and I can handle them better, I just have to put them in my "annoying people" box. ^^ (When they're not resented they usually have interesting conversation and therefore avoid the box. Life hack: conversational skills always save the day). So every time I meet a beautiful, cultured, independent, passionate, interesting, cheerful, sexually liberated, physically active, social, open-minded girl, it feels like Hell. When it should feel like Heaven. And I say that because spaniard women came out from the kitchen not so long ago. And that model of woman (in kitchen and subjugated), putting aside human rights, equality and all the gig, is boring. Boring as watching chess, blindfolded. Worse than death boring. So, a fool I must be. Figures I'm determined to devote some time researching this phenomenon, it's been being increasingly meddlesome. I have a relatively relevant social gathering today (Uh-oh, I must hurry...!) and a BIG one coming soon. It worries me plenty, for reasons. Reasons which will be discussed in the near future. Tomorrow a week again! Phew, it went away flying for sure. EDIT: Okay definitely I can't into Maths. Today at 19:00 will be 8 days. I'm leaving the original estimate for shame.

And to start Cat Quitters. In an article I read recently, "normal" women were asking for a "cultured, outgoing man" as a minimum before considering a relationship. I considered myself to be a cinephile but I haven't watched any of Godard's or other people they were mentioning. You know, I've watched films everyone know and the majority of "mainstream classics": Hitchcock, Fellini, even that insufferable Bergman (I could give my opinion if asked but I kinda rather not...). So it seems my life was a lie. No "normal woman" will ever love me D: Also it seems most normal women are bloggers, copywriters and psychologists. Such are the times, wow. I keep having HUGE trouble socializing, even with old-time friends. I can't find "my place", and I just keep pissing them off, but for now I manage. I have to find myself. I must. On a more general note, Summer has officially arrived but it's been blazing hot for a while, the local football team is about to promote and people are suddenly not starving poor, and the red hordes are approaching... again. It seems Groundhog Day it's not an individual, particuar thing in my life!

This. This are the debates of the future.

>Ayn Rant amirite REACHING WEIMAR DEGENERACY LEVELS (Character also heavily intended for increased liberalism and PC)

Yeah, I'm aware of it, my attitude has been slowly but surely improving. I have a melancholic approach to life and that very probably is a factory setting. But many prominent people had this temperament and they made most of their life through great effort, so technically it's possible. A pain in the ass, sure. But in all honesty, I'm learning to be ok with my life. With being me and being in this world, I mean. Hugs galore, @Sashiku and company! @Marchosias I lost it there. Aside I found that anime really funny, you can't begin to guess how accurate that pic is in a certain sense. So much it's creepy. And hilarious. 1. Want stop using the computer? Have a cat. (It won't let you use it. It won't. Never.) 2. Want to go to sleep and wake up early? Have a cat. (You will adapt to it's life cycle or live hell) 3. Want to be cleaner and develop peripheral vision? Have a cat. (You'll be always on watch for dirt and sudden moves, could save your life some day. Or a marriage.) 4. Trouble having friends? Have a cat. (You'll always have a conversation topic, even if it's "Why don't you like them?") Seriously @Cam Adair, do a video about this or something. I simply have not the chance of playing since the little guy arrived. Hell, I don't even know how I'm writing this because of 1. The process goes like this. I open the computer. Cat comes and tries to mess with the keyboard and nibble the cables. I put him aside with increasing annoyance, until I'm a bit rude with him (it). Then I feel guilty and put computer aside. Also taking care constantly is distressing and he also needs his own space so I go and take a walk which is good for me. And for gods sake, I'm not having children anytime soon, Ironic how a cat has truly convinced me to always bring a rubber for my pew-pew. Not that taking out my pew-pew is happening anytime soon. Or not soon.

Re-education for what? It's just toxic ink in a subcutaneous level, seems legit to me. Also they are lewd. Lewd is good, right?

If you never mentioned that English wasn't your first language I never would have guessed it from your writing. Your English is better than a lot of people who only speak English. True, not all native speakers automatically write well in their own language. Check some fanfics, hah

Wow, I can relate to those concerns about employability, so much. I guess it's common ground for every high-school dropout. Now add some artistic/political ambitions, and things that are hardly profitable as an average, the panic gets real. If you can cope with training yourself in something mildly uninspiring but mildly economical, I'd suggest going for that. If you have something you are REALLY passionate about, no matter how improbable, go for that first. Got nothing to lose now, and big shit to gain in the future, right? >the face when I'm encouraging Marchosias to be the slovene Nigel Farage

- Quick update: I had consecutives fights with consecutive friends for increasingly stupid reasons. It reached a breaking point and I said "fuck everything"; I holed up at home and played. I couldn't cope with the stacked recent failures at every single field of my life. After an incredible lucky or maybe even skilled run of EUIV in which I got to beat both Britain and France (shoulda bought some lottery) I reluctantly decided it was enough and now I'm back on track. Haven't played since Monday 19:00 hours. I'm upset about it, but not in a melodramatic way, which is a HUGE improvement in my opinion. I accept my moment of weakness and I'm ready to move on without further ado or defeatism. Seriously, such smoothness is... really cool. So my new highscore is 29 days, and will be surpassed on July 13. Still too little, ****. Well, actually life itself decided for me. A highly enthusiastic and social friend (and somewhat mentor figure) introduced me to the acting scene of our town before I could object. Actors, directors, troupes, you name it. The damn guy perhaps knows God himself, it wouldn't be a shock. It can serve as a foundation of higher achievements, if exploited to the fullest. I have my reservations, but I'm not one to shy away from something already started (I shy away before starting ) I'm also getting used to going for walks, and feel the 30-ish Celsius summer sun in my face. I'm having less progress at eating better, that's a huge and difficult topic for me and I'm not surprised. However, if I move more I'll get more tired and start eating more and more varied, I suppose, so things are still according to plan. Very slowly. But on the move. A new, trusty sidekick joined my adventure towards making my life at least tolerable. He's smart, valiant, polite, affectionate and four-legged. A little kitten named "Flan". The poor guy misses his 9 brothers and two mothers and is restless as a newborn baby, but leaving that aside he's lovely. And a lot of work to take care, which is good news. Everyone was surprised at the name, they expected me to name the cat in a grandiose, melodramatic fashion. Is that the name I'm making for myself...? Sigh. Honestly speaking, I'm terrified about the future and I don't expect anything in particular. I feel cowardice ingrained within my mere self and I'm not exactly optimist. On the other hand I don't feel sad and I remember perfectly my intention of not wasting this summer. I foresee I'll be more productive and entertained than previous years, but I fear it will be done half-assedly.

@WorkInProgress I started looking in youtube and only found weird videos. I'll do a second search (and a third) and ask some friends. Improving my flexibility is urgent, you can't begin to imagine. @Marchosias @Ed I'm not afraid of a little old fashioned testosterone, I'm checking it out, thanks! Also chill pills for everyone, @Cam Adair, gimme twenty packs of those "Can you imagine a world without political correctness?" (Actually isn't this joke repeated...?) Thank you @Cam Adair, @WorkInProgress, @Marchosias, @Ed, @hycniejsy, @Jeremias, @kortheo, @Sashiku, @Merdoc_Rowboat and the currently absent but still totally awesome @Tom and @wookieshark88; for all your support, recomendations, cheers, presence and PATIENCE. And to the invisible ones who ever took a minute, two, or a hundred to read any of my stuff, you rock too guys. I hope I'm not missing anyone. It took a lot of tries but soon a month people! Today I got up early, checked on things to do but I'm a bit stuck, I think I'm going for a walk to clear the mind. Getting away from the internet connection feels stressing. I want to translate a lot now that I feel more liberated but the workload is tremendous and I feel guilty for leaving it behind for even a second. But on the other hand I'm perfectly aware that 1. I'm not a one man army and 2. Spending a lot of time sitting in front of the computer does not ensure better and faster results. So I'm doing my best to chill and take it easy. To-do list: 1. Being able to buy things through Internet (that is, getting a card) 2. Buy some summer clothes (URGENT) 3. Take a walk 4. Check on stuff (I'll tell when it's done to avoid procrastination)

Feeling better now. Thank you so much for being there guys, thank you thank you thank you. Even @Marchosias showed up; I missed you, crazy! I want to answer and ask and comment some things with all of you, but first I'm going to report. I also noticed I forgot hitting our most dear red button on some of your comments thorough my journal, and I'm going to double check. Gratitude won't be neglected on my watch. This time I'm using the sandwich approach. First something good, then something not so good, then something good so the overall balance is positive (because it is). Here goes! ------------------------------------------------------------- - Day 23 From now on, every day is a new record. Insert enthusiasm! I decided my lewd RPGs and narrative games *cough* are not detox-breaking. If I add every thing I can use to procrastinate to the hard-limits list, I would never get past day one. What I'm going to do is begin with a detox of my most harmful habit, single player games. After or during that I can detox from or reconsider other aspects of my life: sleep/idle hours, TV consumption, mindless browsing and so on. I can check several things at the same time, I'm not going to spend 90 days not playing but mindless browsing, then not mindless browsing but watching TV, that would be silly, so I try to keep everything reasonable all the time. But the main focus is single player games. And to be honest, I'm having great improvements in that field. Here's some data: Source: Steam Account - Gauge INTRODUCTION POST: 30/11/2015 FIRST JOURNAL ENTRY: 07/12/2015 Crusader Kings 2: 1124 hours since 3/12/2014 Not played since 11/11/2015 Napoleon TW: 302 hours (Steam only) since 05/03/2015 Not played since 30/09/2015 Silent Hunter 3: 228 hours (Steam only) - estimated: ~1xxx (see below) Not played since Summer 2015 XCOM: Enemy Unknown 217 hours since 19/10/2014 Not played since 05/05/2016 Reccetear: I-it's not a g...! Ok, it is. 178 hours since 2010 Not played since 08/10/2015 Europa Universalis 4: 160 hours since 02/10/2015 Not played since 06/12/2015 Medieval 2 TW: 117 hours (Steam only) since 24/09/2015 Not played since 10/11/2015 Tropico 4: 66 hours since Summer 2015 Not played since 13/04/2016 Spore: 47 hours since 30/11/2015 Not played since 15/12/2015 (Bonus) Minecraft: ~1000 hours since 20XX. Dropped on 2014 Not played since 05/2016 -> Other Paradox Games: EU3: 55 hours since 19/06/2015. Not played since 19/09/2015 HOI3: 26 hours. Not tried to make it work since 20/02/2016 -> Other TW Games: Shogun 2: 73 hours since 30/03/2016. Not played since Summer 2015 Rome TW: Not listed (see below). Not played since 2015 -> Honorable mentions: Stellaris: 0 hours, 0 minutes, 0 seconds XCOM 2: 0 hours, 0 minutes, 0 seconds HOI4 soon to be added to this list -> Mom's Money invested: PC games: ~500 USD Other platforms: ~500 USD Hardware and appliances (the difference in pricing between functional computers and a gaming-able computers): ~?000 USD - BALANCE OF HOURS PLAYED IN 2015: ~3200* *For refence, a year of 365 days has 8760 hours - BALANCE OF HOURS PLAYED IN 2016 (01/06/2016): <100* *Probably around 50 Some thoughts: - Making this list was a trigger and I'm craving, but it's under control. - SPECIALLY since I just realized while checking the dates that I haven't played most of the big shots since BEFORE beginning the journal. I wasn't aware of this fact and fills me with unmeasurable joy. Why was I complaining so much then? I'm doing pretty great given the circumstances. I guess all the free time made me grumpy. Or I have bipolar disorder. - Check the time lapse of EUIV. I was just starting to play the game when I arrived to Game Quitters. My $/hour ratio of EUIV is 0.42. This is mainly used to measure the level of "amortization" of games and avoid hysteric purchasing (aka a normal day in Steam). The lower the ratio, the better the investment, since you spent a lot of time playing the game, and, in theory, enjoying it. To compare, my $/hour ratio of CK2 (of the same franchise, similar pricing and mechanics) is 0.05; 8.4 times lower. And considering other things such as personal preference and game immersion, I can safely say finding Game Quitters has saved more than 2500 hours of my life, which can be invested in something REALLY BIG. To give you a figure, a full Job Training in Spain takes 2000-2500 hours, and a college degree has 4000-5000 lecture hours. I call that a SUCCESS. I was preparing some popcorns while writing this (perhaps to celebrate?) and my 10 year old microwave behaved for once and didn't burned them. Today a good day. - The exact time I spent with Rome, Medieval and Napoleon TW (and SH3) can't be measured. Thousands of hours. To be able to not touch any of them for more than 6 months is just... wow. Tear-in-cheek astounding. - I've been alive for 190.45X hours. Let's say 12000 were spent playing. And twice were spent watching porn and mindlessly browsing. And I remember that to be MOST of my life so where the hell is the rest of the time...? It feels as if I was evicted from my own life. Uh-oh, I said a no-no word. - Beyond stop playing old games, which is correcting a mistake*, not playing new games feels like a great achievement; it's avoiding a mistake. That's the reason for the Honorable Mentions. I can't wait to keep and keep adding new never played (and specially never purchased) games to the list. *Playing games is not a mistake. Playing games like I did is. - The amount of money invested is not so big considering my +15 year long gaming career, since I was mostly playing the same two or three games all the time, but was on the rise in the latter times so I'm happy the expending came to an end. My mother surely is. - Lastly, assuming I don't play a single minute until December 31, I have reduced my game consumption by an incredible 98% this 2016. Shit man, that's progress and not a quinquennial plan. It's rad, it's awesome, it's cool as fuck man. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now something not so good: "Momentum May? More like Faceplant May, dude!" It was a disaster. Seriously guys. No sugar-coating. So I made a commitment and failed it. My best mate basically told me to go fuck myself. Yesterday I made a fool in the eyes of my drawing teacher (regardless of her already terrible opinion of me). I made no new friends, discovered no new activities, recovered no old ones, messed my sleep schedules thrice, didn't quit porn, didn't finish translating Respawn and my lifestyle is still shit. This is truth; no drama. Well, without the drama (it must've given me some quarter for the sake of writing this post; huzzah!) I gotta admit there's a lot to do but it can be achieved with a positive attitude and a plan. So here comes another good thing. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "What comes next?" Ugh, is this a good thing actually? Is my less favorite part. Okay, I won't pussy out. I'll use the same mechanic. Things I like: Short and fundamental to maintain focus Acting* Writing *and derived activities, like public speaking Things I do ok: Acting Writing Things I never tire of doing: Acting Writing* *I grow tired and bored of writing, but only for the day; building habit I could be a very steady and happy writer. While it's with acting where I display unnatural energy, writing deserves to be in the list. Things I can do that give money: ... Aha! There's a commonality. The Element, you remember? WHY THE FUCK I'M NOT ACTING (Erm, being an actor) THEN!? Because I don't want to be a hobo. Go on, hit me. For whatever reason (family values, culture, education, social viewpoint, preconceptions...) I'm terrified of jumping head-first into acting. Acting is something reserved for the lazy, for those who don't want to do a proper job. It's widely despised, ridiculed and frowned upon in Spain. Of course if I was British the situation would be the complete opposite. Damn british. Give back the nice things. And many aspiring actors and actresses are so full of shit, I didn't (and DON'T) want to be identified with them. But for the sake of my future I'm going to do a most un-spaniard thing: ignore premises and the past, and focus on solutions and the now. Wow I'm terrified, no joke. Ok, solutions... Do you think I will ever be able to do something besides what I really want to do but I'm terrified to try seriously? I think... I won't. I've tried and tried and tried. And failed and failed and failed, sigh. I had to have some titulation in some bullshit, or so I thought, so I would be worthy of respect and not starve if acting didn't work out, or bump into a professional dry spell (actor's worst and very real nightmare). But I can't. No matter how easy. And acting on a profesional level seems so distant, so unreachable... I don't want to be a full-time actor. Or rather, I don't want acting to interfere with other interests and goals in my life, because when I was studying I was urged to devote 24/7 to my craft. But that was my case mainly because my fitness was awful... and acting can be approached in more ways. But why should go that way? Why should I be neglected or things turn out ugly? That's just my mother doing the thinking for me. I've been anticipating way too much? Shouldn't I just follow my dream and rush a contingency plan if things do really go badly, instead of using caution as a tool for self-harm? I've been being an idiot! Why any of you told me? Wait. You did...? ... I've been trying to study something I don't like to be able to work in something I don't really care to avoid working to much in something I love. This might be logical. While at the same time I was assuming I wouldn't be allowed to work that much in the aforementioned loved field to justify investing time in something unfulfilling. This is plain dumb. If there's not so much work as actor to begin with, I should invest ALL my energy in making it happen, and if a dry spell arrives, spend most of the time trying to find the next role instead of settling for a bill-paying job. Jesus! I've. Been. An Idiot! Ok. Ok. So the logical thing would be to start working towards my acting dream while I'm still safe and secure under my mother's wings. Introducing terror again. It's NOT a joke. I am terrified of taking action. Assuming I learn to take care of myself Assuming a steady flow of money Assuming I have the determination to go through I want to devote this summer to fix my most important weaknesses: - Provide healthy and constant nutrition, and acceptable personal image and hygiene to myself - Get fit. This one thousand times. GET FUCKING FIT. I don't need to lift trucks with my penis. But come on, this Sunday a 8 year old girl beat me opening a bottle of water. Obviously the humiliating part is not the difference in gender but the difference in age. Gym, sports, whatever. - Improving acting skills and self confidence. - Find stress-relieving activities - Build habits - Get rid of bad habits That should be enough; I'm putting it together in a block "named" SECURING AN IDENTITY. After that, I should be more than ready to begin Phase 2: SECURING A FUTURE. Having a job, making some bucks, being independent or semi-independent. And finally, Phase 3: PROJECTING. Or something like that. Being social and helpful and all the gig. Success is fun, but I also have a philanthropist side! Oh, and dating. I almost forgot. Onwards with Phase 1. I'm going to... no, no, I'm thinking about it right now instead of later. Goals in Phase 1 can be divided in three segments of increasing difficulty and complexity: Body, Mind and Skills. And, curiously, I also have three months. In month one I should have ready all my Body goals. I mean by day 30 I should have started living healthy. I'm going to take it as if I had nothing else to do with my life. Just eat well, sleep well and exercise (well). Keeping it simple. That's going to be the foundation to support harder stuff. So instead of doing thousands of plans, I'm going to stop here and focus on these 3 simple things for the next week. Eating, resting and being active. Learning to be animal before being human. It fills me with no amount of shame having to start from the lowest point, but that's how it is. Before feeling indignant I should focus on getting over it asap. I have the feeling I should say something more, but after being writing for the whole day it's probably a normal feeling. I'll just leave this here and see how it looks. Then get some rest; doing plans is tiring. See you!

Please; this one is IMPORTANT. PLEASE. I've done it now. I just wanted to be real with my friend and explain to him the situation, that there was a certain possibility that I would pass all the parts of the exam except Math, and that he would have to wait for me until September. I was expecting him to say "I won't", and personally I also didn't wanted this, I've been there before and it's an awful experience, I don't want that for a friend. I was about to say I didn't expect his actual reaction but for how much I know him, I'd be lying. He bursted into anger spitting words like, "lazy", "uncaring", "unreliable" and "untrustworthy". Then he proceeded to rant about how his confidence in me was thoroughly shattered by my fondness of not giving a fuck about anything, and how he was expecting me to hold my end of our agreement while I was holed up in my house being all fun and games or something similar instead, that he would never put any kind of trust in me, that I was immature and our friendship only good to hang out without any kind of commitment from now on. This is unacceptable. Let me ask you something in all honesty, fellow quitters. When did I lie about my capabilities and weaknesses? I've been saying this since the very first day. "I am depressed". "I am unstable". "I am unreliable". When it was a bad day, I said. When it was a good one, I said. I said at millimeter scale how did I feel in each moment, and how my feelings were helping or hindering me. You KNOW I don't choose bad days, they choose me. If you know this, and I don't know you, how come my best friend for years could be completely oblivious to the facts? He has to be accusing me of something; he can't be that ignorant. It would make him a literal retard. Please, tell me the truth. I have to know. Is he right? Am I a slouch? I really do (or avoid to do) things with fickleness because I'm uncaring, indifferent and simply don't give two fucks? Is that me? Is that how people see me? As a liar, a fraud, a slacker, a loser, a victimist, an idiot? When the fuck did this happen!? And this is it. I am not capable of doing the most simple tasks. I can't aim for any goal. My mind is ill. I am broken. It's been almost six months since I started this journal. Seven since I admitted something was going REALLY WRONG with me. And what did change? NOTHING. Go on, read the previous entries. It's always the same shit! And don't compare, don't be cruel. I have to stop pretending I'm improving. I'm not. This is not working. That doesn't mean I will give up. Listen. I am ill. I have to stop trying to play in the league of mentally healthy people. I have to stop trying to play in the league of "normal", career oriented people. But what do I have to do? What can I do? Nobody can help me. I can go to all the doctors and take pills to my heart's content, but at the end of the day only I can help me; and I won't for the simple reason that I hate myself. This, this is where I really want me, desperate, alone, slandered, humiliated and defeated. Very well, here I am! Now what!? Locking myself away at an institution? If I'm going to try to do things, I'm going to fail lots of times, and disappoint a lot of people on a regular basis in the process. And then, this is the feedback I get, from my most loved ones? This is how others think of me? That I don't do what I'm supposed to just because "I want to/I don't want to" That I work on whims and fancies? Can't you understand just how alien the concept of "wanting" sounds to me? And now you will say I'm justifying myself to avoid the responsibility? Why the fuck would I want or need justify or excuse anything to you, or to anyone? Is there a precedent? I've been only telling the truth and the truth, and this is my truth! Harsh, awful, foul-tasting! What else could I say? What else could I think? What do you expect from me!? Nothing...? Well that's very inconvenient; I don't expect anything from me, except being a scam and getting hurt. And damn I am doing so well. It seems I need someone doing the planning for me, if I think for myself what to do next, I only hear silence (actually an annoying buzzing, like that from hornets). I'm never getting anywhere. What's the point of this journal and my presence here, for instance? My English is terrible and I'm a moron, you must despise me. I would despise me. I can't even stop playing for 90 fucking days. I can't even reach 30. I am disgusting. I'm ugly, most probably lazy, uneducated, an unsightly presence, a pointless waste. I'm garbage dressed in gold. I have to say it, I have to say it because it weighs so much inside, I could scream it. I feel void. I don't even feel angry or sad or emotional while writing this. I'm at the cafeteria, weather's nice. I should be in my room, crying and emotionaly crushed. But that point never fucking arrives. Never fucking arrives. When will I reach the limit of my misery? I made it; I am dead. I don't have to worry anymore about it. Fuck me.

I always have two main options when posting: doing a long, painful, introspective post which usually leads to little, or a brief one, saying the same thing in a non-committal way. I'll go for the second. (Fun fact, I keep 2000+ thousand words (and counting) of discarded journal material. It wouldn't feel 100% complete if I just erased it. But posting everything would be nothing less than outright spam). Now back to this post. I thought I was literally dying this week. Long story short, I have a sharp pain in the left side of the chest and it doesn't go away. It's still here as I write, but doctors say I'm technically fine and kicking. It could be anxiety, it could be something unknown by modern medicine (and comically deadly). It could be nothing at all. If you ask me, I've been having dreams and premonitions of dying at 21 since I was 4, so I have my preferent answer. For the sake of desperately trying to get me moving I've decided to humor that option. I like to make choices between equal options, but my "visions" have always been right thus far; it's not a fair contest. Sure, I'm crazy. How many of your premonitions have been true you say? I thought so. Still no lottery numbers. Might as well happen but I won't cross my fingers. - It could be a "mesoamerican" style of predicted death. You know, the end of a period and the beggining of another. Then I would have prophesized Game Quitters amongst other happenings, and that would be creepy. And awesome. And way safer for my person. - Or I could really kick the bucket, during, or after this summer. There's no sign of imminent death, and I know "it" will hit me like thunder, a quick illness and bye, since I didn't see a long period of decline. So this leaves me with the question: "What if I had, at much, three months to live?" You can take it as a morbid joke, yet another replica of the staple exercise of couch philosophers, a weird self-imposed trial by ordeal or proof that being a little too aware of my mortality for too long has finally made me go full cuckoo. Or scream "Deus Vult!" with me. "God" is a blanket term, you can choose whatever higher power of your liking. I'm positive it'd be the funniest option. Well if I am right, yet again, and I AM about to die, the prospects are not very promising. Would I be doing what I've been doing lately? Certainly not. But I'm not sure of an alternative. The good thing is summer is coming, and the Universe seems to conspire during summer to make strange things happen. You sure have your own examples in your lives. That leads me, inevitably to... 7 days and a half until exam. My chances are, at best, grim. I spend all my energy triying to convince myself not to hide in a corner and cry, ahem, again, so the time I have to actually study is quite short. I'm joking; it's nonexistent. I've been purposely avoiding my friend. I'm so fucking proud of myself as you can see. But, at least on the paper, I'm still going to try the exam. Fucking up is always an option, of course, and must be my favorite since I always go for it. But I'd really appreciate things to go differently, for a change. We all know to who is that directed. About my streak, I reached 18 days, but this two last nights I've been playing a lewd RPG and sincerely I don't know if it counts. Probably it does. Or, I can keep counting, reach 90 and add another 18 to the count. Hah! And about this little one, I just have to ignore it until further notice, because maybe I got a little too enthusiastic about completing it at 100% rate. You know I play them for the plot (in this case the character development) and I take it as a matter of honor. By the way, I don't know how long it will last, but I've started watching films again. Yay! I HAVE to discover my passion. I can't keep living like this. With games my life was barely bearable. Now it's a nightmare. This is very probably not new at all around here; that brings me a smile, not being alone, and understood (in some aspects at least). I know I sound hollow and depressed most of the time, but on the other hand I believe it's the product of circumstances. I have hope. I know I can be happy, I know the feeling. I just need to secure a steady supply of the stuff.

You mean this? I found it on the Internet so maybe is common knowledge here, but still I'll leave it here to remember its existence and check when needed. I should be studying Maths. And yet here I am; surrounded by a horde of aspiring programmers in their self-proclaimed turf which is this particular campus cafeteria, writing a lewd story (of exquisite quality but that goes without saying). Such is life in Student Spain. Come on, focus on the task, will ya. I've recovered from my funk and I'm ready to rock. If I can actually steer and steel myself against this so god damned huge pile of... respectable numbers. My first arrogant indisposition to study high-school subjects at my age has been thoroughly replaced by a pleasant desperation to overcome this stuff. Morale is high, I'm in high spirits, but confidence is really low. A curious combination. Edit: The "task" is studying for the exam, just in case you forgot. Yes, I'm talking to you, Myself. Edit 2: I asked the other day and now I just found this while looking for background studying music (helps me a lot). Now I feel a bit silly because my question was answered almost immediately before being asked. Meh, not goin to complain. Thanks Cam, you're the man.

9 days and a half. My personal record of being 100% clean is 16. It will be done in a breeze! Monday, studied two hours of Economy, had a pleasant and constructive conversation with great friend and partner @hycniejsy, drawed a bit. Tuesday, went to drawing classes, did not so good unfortunately, but I’m not worried in the least. Spent some quality time with my family doing nothing in particular. Finally shaved my beard after the theatre play. I feel 10 years younger or so now. Wednesday (today): Collapsed But Not Relapsed. Woke up at 12:00, got up from bed at 18:00. I was feeling terrible, defeated, useless, even ugly. Whatever so I could feel bad. Terrifying cravings of Stellaris. How can you have cravings for something you haven't even played, seriously. Thankfully, to play it I would need to buy it, and that's a pretty thick red line. I'm safeguarded against relapses but that doesn't mean it can't still ruin my day as it has done. And I can't allow myself to have wasted days this month, with the exam and all that. I'm not sure what's my weak point. Do I need more planning? More discipline? More motivation? My commitment to not play is firm. I even turned down my friend in his offers of playing together. Several times, and counting. I said this already; this is the good one. But this is not just about not gaming, even if that alone is a challenge. It's about having a meaningful life. I'm much better than December, that's undeniable. And January, February, March and April. But I still haven't crossed the boundary of momentum as to be productive even in a bad day. It gets on my nerves. I don't know how to justify or explain it either. Some days I'm just fine, then the next day I'm not. Then the next I am ok again, as if nothing happened. My mind works through connections. If I don't understand the triggers, how am I supposed to counter or anticipate anything? I can't just hope and pray for tomorrow to be a good day, there must be other way to do things. At least my english is slightly improving from all this walls of text! This, erm, very repetitive walls of text. Sorry 'bout that. Really. I feel this journal is getting lonelier lately, and it's partly my "fault" for not posting in other journals. The other part is, obviously, the population growth. I'm not feeling guilty since I really don't have the time (but being honest, I would have it with better management and efficiency) but it still makes me a bit sad. Just a tad, I'm not complaining. I also miss folks who used to hang around and are no longer, specially the ones who didn't finish their detoxes. Anyway, I'll just shake off this bad stuff of my shoulders and push forward. I'll have plenty of time to cry in mid-June. Or after the 90 days. Not now. By the way, have you noticed how my posts have been tending to positive lately? (Despite my ever-present cynicism) I did. And I'm feeling great for that!