Hitaru

I did say that before, didn't I? Man I should get over it already -.- Oh, also days have become stagnant after my huge "Screw Steam" victory. It was to be expected, so I'll try to find out what I'm doing wrong (or what I can do better). A completely rash and nonsensical decision would be in order, it's been a while.

@Marquess Hey it was you who called the gay thoughts by yourself. Now you take them home, they always get drunk. Also the age was stating a fact and not a negative implication! Or maybe you have a feminine side, getting all defensive about the age? So all those twenty-something girls are basically coupling with thirty and forty-something men. I've seen plenty of cases of girls settling with older men and resorting to people their age only for one-night stands, so seems legit. Sort of. People are not exactly open (or honest) with their sexual life. But why that sudden stagnation in male value in the twenties? I can imagine girls like "No, no, my religion forbids banging people with 22, but 21 is hot as hell". But most weirdly, they can also literally smell when you transition from 34 to 35 and your value increases exponentially. A peak in pheromone production or something. I wouldn't take those charts too seriously. After all... Ah, I remember those times when I was cute and all the hormone-frenzied preadolescent girls were craving my attention. Of course I rejected all their advances, I was that kind of shy autist ("was", yes...). My life was some sort of ecchi anime and it was fun in it's own way. Then I turned 16, libido kicked off, girls became a prize and things went to shit. And since I spent those crucial years in a cloistered relationship I missed all the "experimenting" with all those androgynously gorgeous but ill-tempered sissy degenerates. What the hell was I thinking. I wanted to have a sissy degenerate phase too! Now I look 20 years older than I am, I look tired, boring, dull. Such tragedy.

N-NO!!! ... Also, is that even a thing? I briefly recall some copulation for recreational purposes in the long-term past... without too much recreation, I'm afraid. Ironically, this friend is quite the expert in the topic, with a fitting reputation. Could learn a thing or two or twenty from him, but I'm reluctant to accept some "necessary facts" about men and women in order to develop the "appropriate mindset". Picture yourself, @Marquess. Some years younger. Aaaand with an almost magical chick magnet. Funny guy, this friend.

was* I invested time and energy in restoring my social circle once again. Boredom makes me do some unusual things. Yesterday I found myself agreeing to go shopping with my mother and enjoying it (much more than her, you could say she's very masculine for some things). Today I'm at a hair's breath to go to the hairdresser and cut my hair differently for a change. Knowing myself it'll be a victory to simply go, but whatever. A friend is coming came to my house today to teach me the basics of meditation and insightfulness (if that's a thing). It was absolutely great, for reasons. Long to explain reasons; I'm basically procrastinating my explanations right now. I have some meetings scheduled, plan to spend some time outdoors. Overall, things look fine (albeit incomplete). For the next week, two courses, verse recitation and some basics of dramaturgy. I also joined a... erm... lew erotic poetry course! I can't believe I dared. It's no big deal but... I'm embarrassed as hell. Not just the childish, repressive prudery, any emotion-related activity or undertaking makes my cheeks flush and my legs tremble. Which is not always a bad thing. For reasons. Embarrasing to explain reasons. But I'll learn a trick or two for my writing I desperately crave. That's all that matters. And dude, romanticism may be dead but I bet a well written erotic poem can wreak havoc in the heart of a cultured enough target. And if money, glory and love fail, well, at least it will be just a silly hobby of me. Having hobbies is good. Right?

Hey missed you! I'm glad to see you here again! Looking forward to your entries and your strange love for ingesting and digesting things.

This post is "the red pill" as it's commonly understood, or at least how it was understood at first: red pill on gender and gender relations. Funny thing is, the fit and attractive male and the protector and provider usually are not the same. How would a woman handle this situation? That's some poor editing, since I didn't say that Hey, thank you @Marquess for providing a constructive debate. We are very different in many things but we've been able to expose them peacefully without saying anything about each other's mother, that's refreshing. Really refreshing. You don't know how things are over here. We can go on but it's probably going to get really confusing, I was enthusiastic and didn't realize my spamming until I finished I feel you here. Being in the slippery slope makes things worse in the end. Despite that, we are here now. That's the important thing. You know, silence is part of the music. Years of inactivity will make any achievement much more awesome.

Actually I would and I did in the past, so the topic is not about me as an individual. What I say is, if giving is voluntary, given the choice, most people will not give. Does that justify "gun-point robbery" as you say? No, I don't think so. It would be equal to say "I'm robbing you to give it to the poor because you won't give by your own". Yeah, so altruist of you, thank you. How much of taxes goes to the poor anyway? Public health, transport and schools (the only services worth of taxes imo) are not so expensive. Most money is wasted. Becoming the only one! What will happen is that a conglomerate of charity agencies will form and play God with the poor. The Nestlé of alms. Delightful. Not that taxes are doing a better job, to be honest. In the end, nobody gives a fuck about the poor. That makes free schooling and formation all the more necessary. It's the only realistic way to climb the ladder. Again, money gives power, and power is addictive. And in the case of wealth, hereditary. Capitalism as free trade and competition is not oppresive. Capitalism as permissiveness is. The state is a necessary evil. The state as institution should be small and handled by the most number of people possible with the less difference in authority as possible. The state as a concept of community we are all a part of is an absolute necessity. We should encourage individual progress while defending our interests as a group. That's the only way we can really thrive.

They are easier to remove than corporate magnates. Compare how many dictators were deposed to how many rich dynasties were forcefully removed from their riches. Why would an almighty CEO tolerate that? They would buy all their competence using their unlimited resources. In the best scenario. True. That applies greatly in Spain. However, as I said before, a much more powerful company can buy or sabotage the much weaker aspiring competition. They can break and bend the rules if powerful enough. You underestimate the power of money. Anarchists using violence to create a society where violence is not exerted? I'm... not sure if that would work.

Artificially created by social norms. True. Again that's an artificial social construct. So women are just leeches. As I said before, if that's the case, fuck women. Again, proposing women are just a trophy. Honest question, was this this way back in the caves? If it wasn't that whole argument would crumble. You say we should embrace our animal nature and let it be? That's against human nature. All human history was a strife to go beyond our animal selves. EVEN if women were biologically programed to be leeches (which I still find hard to believe, but it's a valid possibility) we are now at the point were human survival as species won't be compromised if we give them a place among men, and not below them. Why? Because why not. I reiterate women of the past were awful to handle and boring as hell. If we need them, and we need them, they should prove to be a pleasant experience. Being submissive for social reasons it's not pleasant. At least not for me.

It wasn't my intention to insult you in any way, please point out where did you feel offended and I'll properly apologize, honest. Nah I just wanted to say whites can be either great inventors or an absolute waste of air. Most of them are. And no, actually I don't give a fux about US crime statistics, although I'm a stalwart believer that crime is related to poverty and not to race. There's no race as a whole more inclined to crime. Speaking about crime, police murders. Are white policemen more inclined to unnecesary violence or is it related to whites being majority in the force and everyone of them being armed? I wonder... Yes, most victims are black, and yes they are biased against blacks because racial profiling practices, high black criminality and, well, racism. But that doesn't prove they are more inclined to violence just because their skin color. While we are at it, there's no gender more inclined to violence. If anything males traditionally exerted violence as a tool, since they were stronger. But they are not biologically programmed to use it as a first multi-tool resort. That's a main conclusion of third wave feminists, and it's bollocks.

I'd like to see a study were all this separated data and your claim are linked into a single theory. I'm almost sure it is somewhere, but I haven't found it yet among all this (very interesting I admit) material you presented, so I won't say it doesn't exist. I also miss reports on single fatherhood, I get the impression all this data is being used to rebuke single moms but I'll concede than single fatherhood when a healthy, respectable (no drugs, criminal history and financially stable) mother is present is practically unheard of. Probably there simply are not enough samples. But it's a critical void in the understanding of this topic. If we finally happen to discover the best model of child raising, we should never directly promote it, but we should not spread lies about all methods being equal either. We should, however, respect freedom of choice among the parent or parents. How can freedom of choice be evil? I'm not appealing to emotion, I'm positively asking. We would need to define "results", what are we aiming for exactly? Most children raised by single parents don't end up as a danger to society. Even if it was a "worse" method (and that is still a bold statement), if it produced functional offspring, society shouldn't intervene (how could it intervene anyway?). That intervention would be exerting violence against their family core and their individual freedom. Society's only goal should be to preserve itself and ensure an equal opportunity setting for all its members. How can we differentiate individual experiences and temperament from direct influence of the fact of being raised by a single parent? Also, not promoting something is not indirectly promoting something else. It's just not promoting the first thing. You are the first to say people as a whole know better (in the context of the market) so they should be able to know better in other aspects as well. The best ideas will naturally settle given enough time. I must disagree in your views of Christianity. Women in francoist Spain were socially coerced to look for a husband as fast as possible. That led them into marry the first barely valid candidate in many cases. In other cases they were wooed by romantic schemes in a social context of complete ignorance of relationships between men and women, and absolute submission to them. They didn't have enough information and power of choice to choose freely. You, as an anarchist, value freedom. I respect that. Traditional family values are not free. It was a losing lottery for women. In the case of men they didn't look for the best available woman, they just were looking for a healthy vessel to make children (and a domestic servant), which was of course the vast majority of them. Anyone would do for both genders, for completely different reasons. Anyone can do in a lifelong relationship? That's completely unacceptable. In all honesty, if women are just a living home appliance that has to be provided and taken care of, then fuck women. Why would anyone want to be involved with them if that was the case? Simply to breed? How overrated. I believe women have by nature a mindset different to men, and that's what make them interesting. Therefore they should be equal partners to have the most opportunities to expand my vision of life. In a traditional family setting, they are just a bother after they fulfill their breeding role. I don't want a fucking maid or a human-sized pet. And I will be against any kind of argument that remotely implies to give them that status. Traditional families have many advantages, I will never state the opposite. But all those traditional values were used in Spain to justify all kinds of atrocities. Want to be a christian? Want to have a traditional family in a cozy house of a suburb? Fine by me, suit yourself, really. But it should be a damn choice. I'm sick and tired of conservatives and priests getting their noses into other people's business. I'm not saying you are anything like that, you are quite a reasonable proponent. You just happen to share some of their views. I wish those bastards were like you. (Well I'm quite proud of myself now, any other spaniard would have lost their shit at this point, either if it was a supporter or detractor of traditional values. It's a kinda touchy subject)

Most people value stability and the majority doesn't want to thrive, that's true. Most people just want their 9 to 5 work in the factory, their modest house, their wife and 2 kids and their spring break vacations. Simple life. Despised by those pretentious self-improvement/utilitarian gurus. Not everyone aims for CEO or Nobel Prize, and that's fine, deal with it pretentious gurus. But saying traditional (and implying heterosexual) lifelong marriage is the best model to raise children is a completely unfounded claim. What has marriage, as a (mostly religious) ceremony, or (unfair) legal status, anything to do with the skills and mindset required to raise children? Love, respect and security are keys to a provide a safe environment to children. Which means you only need 1. A child. 2. At least one responsible and loving tutor (one parent, two, all close family, the whole village...). 3. A safe living space: home and neighbourhood (community). And 4. A steady and adequate source of income. Monogamous marriage is an antinatural institution fueled by religion and romanticism. Family cores, in practice, serve perfectly the purpose of tying the people to the land, to tax and rule them more efficiently. Just loving people and taking responsibility of the little, talking and walking consequences of sticking your penis inside a vagina (or adopting someone else's) will surely destroy the West, duh. Absolutely true. But, given they need a lie, a red book, a sugar coat or whatever, why not convince them that everything's fine and we're all brothers and love thy neighbor instead of "JESUS DIED FOR YOU NO TOUCHY TOUCHY BELOW WAIST SO GUILTY FOREVER". Then let smart people don't buy that bullshit and keep making progress as always. OY GEVALT! Absolutely necessary reference, 6 million triggers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iom32fkRyGI Dank memes. Funny facts. Early christians were nothing but an angry mob after being recognised as the official roman religion, destroying classical knowledge everywhere they could find it. Not much different of ISIS now. They kept the custom of being bigots after that, it seems. In my case my parents believe, but the church wasn't exactly a common place for little me to be. I was never explained things from a religious perspective at home (but ironically at school). God was just there, and hopefully was a good guy. The idea settled in me as: "Hopefully, God is just there". The completely unacceptable behaviour of the priesthood in the past and now hasn't helped. I reiterate: make organized religion stop being a thing. White people are also inventors of the rednecks. White people inventing things was product of borrowing asian inventions (a much developed, stable and civilized society at the time) and upgrading them to better kill each other; which is not something to be proud in my opinion. Not to be ashamed either, killing and conquering was just that popular back then. Being proud for coincidences such as race, gender or nationality is just a childish attempt to feed the ego. At least in the case of western white males. In other cases is revanchism. I don't feel related to my middle-aged dull neighbors, why should I feel related to the great figures of history? I can and should be thankful for their deeds. Being white is not an achievement. Maybe that's males fault for for installing women in a pedestal of angelic beauty standards and objectification, lacking any other useful purpose in a patriarchal society. We feel women are a trophy, an achievement of masculine worth. Just take a look: [...] lack the skills necessary to attract women, network, and live the life you want to live [...] That's one opening sentences of the article "How to quit playing videogames FOREVER" (yes, in caps! ) I don't want to pick on Cam, he simply guessed (and guessed right) what kind of message would receive the most attention. You see? It's a bait. Women are a bait. Women make you worthy and happy. It's not a "gender rule", it's a learned behavior. A learned behavior from us men. Jokes on us! While trying to oppress them we've given them the power to fuck our lives over with a snap of their fingers and a pouty face. Agreed. That's however our fault, a punishment for giving in to laziness and resort to representativity. I don't say it's a desirable option, I just stated my conviction that it will happen eventually, and that it must happen even if it will certainly mean a step back in some areas. There's nothing inherently wrong with capitalism. It's capitalists. The "free market" or the "invisible hand" are pretty lies. The "market" is made up by capitalists. The communist "people" is made up by proletariats. They are not abstract, unthinking machines: in both systems and anything in between they are a bunch of humans in need of leadership. Which will rest in most cases at the hands of sociopaths who will, according to human nature, attempt to keep themselves in power as long as possible. There's no evidence to assert powerful capitalists will respect the rules of the game for the sake of the romantic notion of free market. They will gang up and form an oligarchy. Why? It's good business. It's not the most efficient way but it's the most profitable. Why current corporations are major shareholders of their rivals? No government told them to do that. It's also curious how your view shares with your antipode the concept of a rebalancing period. In the case of communism, "the dictatorship of the proletariat". And it doesn't sound too diferent to me to your local Joe asking for "four more years". And that's our fault. We didn't motivate private Pyle. With before you mean in the Middle Ages, when the Church was the only institution remotely tending to the poor and the needed? Sure, a perfect job they did. Or probably I wouldn't. Specially living in a competitive society. I'd think (or be indoctrinated to think) they aren't trying enough. Unless you mean to avoid paying taxes. Until they were powerful enough to be indispensable. Think in the business practices of videogame, pharmaceutical, or health insurance companies. The whole point is: The market does not tend to chaos. The market tends to order, to simplification, to condensation. It will naturally do that without an opposing force to prevent it. A force equally strong to the market, equally strong to freedom and competition. Current states don't exert a force equal to the force of the market; therefore, the market expands, capital gets hoarded in the hands of few, inequality rises. Real equality would only come with a crushing application of repression and authority. Not a pleasant alternative. Perhaps unless authority comes by the hands of everyone and not by the ones of a few appointed in hopes they'll be behave against their nature and do the right thing. Aaaaaaaand here goes all my morning. Now I'm hungry, I'll go provide nutrition for myself while wondering if it would be better to hand over a bill or a ration coupon to the cashier. It autotranslated as feminine. That was sexist dood.

Traditional family values? P-please don't. I like muh (^^) bitches to, you know, think. No, seriously, we spaniards supposedly fended off the "judeo-masonic contubernio" for most of the XX century and we have the same birth rate problem as the rest of Europe. Brain drain isn't helping either. Also traditional family values are opposed to libertarianism; each part has a compulsory role. There are some Christian sectors, both Catholic and Protestant, who want us to go all deusvulty again at the slightest provocation. Doesn't that nullify the point of certain religions instigating chaos and fear? Goodness let's just ban organized religion already. Or declare them cultural associations with no more power than the boy-scouts. They are equally sectarian in nature. White Pride? Why should we whites (Some die-hard racists would argue I'm white since I can get tan) be proud of a complete coincidence? Why not directly fighting white demonization instead? White pride is just an excuse for being apologetical of racism and imperialist oppression (which originally started for reasons completely diferent from race, as people seem to constantly forget). While we are at it, let's also fight cis/heterosexual/able-bodied/male demonization. I'm not even all of those things but it has become ludicrous. No welfare and state intervention means laissez-faire capitalism. A very romantic concept, until capital and means of production concentrate in the hands of a few. Exactly what has happened now. Suppressing the state now would give these corporate magnates absolute power with no need to pretend they abide by the law. You're just asking to make life harder to the common man. Which actually could work if welfare founding was redirected to formation and real, equal, constant opportunities for everyone instead of simple hard cash each month. Allowances kill initiative and reward inactivity, and reinforce the idea that the state is not a brotherhood of which you're part but a permisive parent. Why would the rich want equal opportunities for everyone? They can't be trusted to provide them. And charity is just an aberration. Global government is inevitable, it's just the logical next stage of humanity. Globalization, trade and the future control of population will mix and unify races and cultures (which will be quite sad and boring imo). Then, the only difference between us will be class and religion. Hopefully religious influence will continue to steadily decrease, so only class will remain. And after we get over it we will reach true equality. We'll all probably kill each other at some point before that. Also at least one global police state/neo-absolutist society is to be expected. Being fair and aim for the greater good is not exactly a widespread human trait. Anarchism? I don't trust my neighbor to stop spitting on the floor, not to talk about upholding my rights.

Always an inspiration Joe. It's awesome to see you active around here again, and that activity not being bad news. You're one of the most appreciated members of this family of ours, and with good reason. Cam usually refers to your journey in his work and it's being a pleasure and an honor to help extend that story throughout the world by any means possible. From a blockbuster writer you're just the average Joe (hehe, see the pun... okay sorry) but you're right, life is not a high-budget movie with explosions and random chinese sayings. In doing nothing extraordinary each day, you've become someone completely extraordinary. Bless you man.

You obviously took it at heart much more than I did, sigh. It will please you to know there won't be more Life is Strange for this one. Take care, I still love you D:

Another lovely day without games! No, seriously, I'm starting to appreciate summer in all its increased UV glory. Yesterday I finished a drawing and gained one or two levels in skill. I'll draw a bit more today and I plan to go to the beach with some fragments of translation and get them done there. I haven't been translating since April but Cam of course hasn't stopped producing more and more material for my sorry ass to work on! If he's right and gamers are ultra-dedicated and ultra-focused folks who just need to redirect their energy I can't wait the day I consistently do loads and loads of stuff. On a less positive note I've been also neglecting compromises, specially those of social nature (since I try to avoid making commitments of other kinds knowing I probably won't meet them). Next week I promised to myself to go to a "Creative writing" course. I don't expect much apart from spending a lot of money, and I didn't exactly promise, just thought "It would be nice to go". So it's about time I get serious about it and mentally prepare to go. After all, lacking formal schooling, stuff like this IS my formation now. I have to understand it, acknowledge it. If I pretend to be an actor/writer/artist, taking care of my wits and my body is not a hobby or a side activity anymore. It must become a way of life, a part of my everyday existence as a steady job would. Of course there are people out there who are all talk and call themselves "artists" without any accomplishment. For starters: I am not an artist. Yet. I must prove to myself I am not one of those people. I must be living proof that being a performer is a serious business, or everyone, incluiding myself, will believe that artsy streak of mine was nothing than a excuse to avoid real work. Heh, the "inner-game" must be just that, an interior tool. I never liked that expression to be honest. It's like implying you can only have fun while "playing". And personally, I only have fun with games when I stop looking at them as games, that is, when I focus on what I'm doing seriously. Enough rambling! Writing the journal can also be a form of procrastination. See ya! EDIT: MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT I got rid of Steam using /the tutorial/* https://www.reddit.com/r/StopGaming/comments/2t384s/how_to_get_rid_of_your_steam_account_in_60_mins/ THAT was a milestone. Obviously no one in my circles supports this (my mother would if she knew and knew the implications, but my mother supporting anything was traditionally something to be worried about). You guys are the only ones who are really with me in this. To the rest of the world I'm being unreasonable, a fanatic. I don't want to think too much about it. Why so much defensiveness when empowering should be regarded as a positive thing? But the topic is videogames and everyone loses their mind. I'm just starting to swallow the red pill but I'm certain I'll never be any kind of fanatic. Specially not the one they believe I'm becoming. So much money and time threw to the bin in a click... and a dull, grey future ahead. But I'm curious as well. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow in hope, but just in a mild curiosity. Maybe it's my current dark mood or maybe it's just my temperament, unable to feel hyped like all those motivating posts in personal growth blogs tell you to be. I mean, maybe I express my passion about things in a subtler way than most, or something. Anyway, a success, damn it!

Quick update. Sleeping is working again. I don't know exactly when was the last time I played and I think I feel less pressured that way. In October/November I'll just randomly shout YAY and that will be. >implying so many implyness bout me not playing again, sigh That wise article dude taught me to do things despite initial discomfort. So it seems life is about doing things you're uncomfortable with at the moment hoping to feel awesome in hindsight. Then feeling mildly awesome cause you made it, but not fully awesome since you're now busy with the next goal. It's like catching a shadow. It must have its fun, all successful people did and are doing exactly that. AND the alternative is being an overweight gaditan redneck, which is it's unique kind of redneck. Thanks to the new bridge I can cut short safely if shit hits the fan. Old bridge was too low and some people got really fucked over. I'm moderately healthy, got some friends and things to do. What else could I ask right now? EDIT: Oh! Also, not play is not play. Anything. All those graphic adventures and shit can wait I guess. Maybe I can't wait, but that's another story altogether.

@Cam Adair @Marquess According to mainland Europe we are not part of Europe so here is still chill. According to racist theories we are tier 3, capable workers but not a big deal so we qualify as second world. We enjoy caliphate privileges and Catholic Kings did an efficient job creating an homogeneous society centuries ago. Come to Spain bros! It's halal! Not now though. Sun is dropping harder than salafism.

I also realized its like the fifth time I say the same stuff but with something like a 10% of new information. It's a damn spiral. Well, at least is not a circle and I guess some people will thank not having to look at previous pages to know what's going on since I'm constantly repeating myself

@WorkInProgress So I was this busy thinking and believing I was the hottest ball of nihilist intellectualism or some shit this side of the Atlantic, then comes this guy with that face of con-artist of his and shoves me all over the place. Man, I'm exhilarated; he showed me. Now, what if I was completely sure of my identity at the bottom of my heart but I was scared as fuck to threaten my imposed identity of "nice, normal guy" despite being cocksure confident of being able to reach my true self the very moment I try? And, alas, what if all that confidence and hope everyone put in my brain when I was a child has reinforced a crushing fear of failure that would threaten that identity of future prodigy ingrained in myself? Because that's exactly how it is. I thought and was taught to believe fear of success was simply arrogance. I thought and was taught to believe I had to use my brain in some useful and stunning way or I would never be happy and fulfilled. I thought and was taught to believe I am a social misfit (Gee, I have one two clinical diagnoses stating literally that). I thought and was taught to believe I would always be a boring, grey-haired, dull-faced and misunderstood intellectual; even in my teens. And, contradictorily, I thought and was taught to believe having a linear, smooth existence would be the only way to meet approval and avoid conflict, and therefore achieve happiness. Now I see the exact amount of bullshit I'm dealing with, and blessed damn THANK YOU for showing me that article. Yes! Even I don't know things! Feels great! So who the hell I am? Well, actually I have several ideas in my mind: - If I choose politics, I predict I'll have a short flashy career in the big leagues or be a regional celebrity until my old age. Depends if I choose to play by the rules (big leagues) or my love for political incorrectness and roasting people beats my pragmatism and desire for glory. Or hey, why not both? - If I choose writing I guess I'll write some pretentious opus that will give sleeping pills' producing companies a hell of a time, and some short stories that will be the good stuff, and my legacy to the world. - If I choose acting, I guess I'll end up my days doing mostly theatre in several languages. Cinema is ok, but not my gig I guess. But who knows, I'll be giving it a try anyway. Some sort of Ian McKellen (may His Name be glorified) perhaps? - I can choose comedy and do a bit of all the three previous options in a cheeky, lovely, impudent way. Best way of doing anything if you ask me. - And of course, I can become a buddhist monk and travel the world in a robe saying random, life-changing sayings to worried-looking people in the street. Rest assured that I will, at some point in my life. "BUT WAIT", you'll be now saying. That's not who you are, that's who you'll be! (or believe you'll be, but with my intuition, there's nothing as believe!). Well... yep, you caught me there. Now? Meh, now I'm just a measly, petty NEET. With larger-than-life aspirations. Disparaging myself makes me want to play. Bragging makes me want to hide in bed and cry. I guess I'll have to search for a third way while I unconsciously get things done and become something, whatever that would be. [This post was NOT sarcastic. Unbelievable I know, but bear with me]

That must be tough. At least I'm safe from the social withdrawal since I played alone all the time, so I made no friends online, and that social aspect is one of the hardest to overcome (and what differentiates gaming from other addictions). You're a brave man, surely way braver than me. I commend your strenght! Hmm, on one hand sticking your penis into thirty vaginas and monthly appropiating some digits on a computer screen doesn't appeal to me as a deserving measure of human worth. On the other hand they are a clear, definite goal to reach, and in achieving them you'll be developing some "quest-related" skills which are the real deal (e.g. it's not only about banging girls, it's about social skills; it's not only about paper bills, it's about having a fulfilling job) Nah that ain't true. I might be kinda ok in my language (and I'm still an amateur at best) but in English I'm sloppy as hell. I keep making third-grader typos and I lack any kind of fluency or coherence. To be fair with myself, I haven't tried seriously (consistently study grammar and vocabulary or take writing lessons). The more I express myself in this language, the more I like it and consider the idea. Spanish is lustrous and melodic, and can be incisive and pragmatic too, but your language sure is something else. A-NY-WAY, yes, you're totally right! It's only up to us but sometimes it's easier to get sidetracked or lost in a sea of third party opinions and advice. I'm an expert at that. Never again. There really is a fad among actors to drop high-school, it seems! I guess that's motivating and inspiring and good news for me. Still it doesn't erase the fact of six crucial years lost and counting. And it doesn't apply to spanish actors. Here everyone has their degree. What they usually don't have is a job. As @play_time_is_over says or implies, it's best to have a specific objective rather than just saying "I want to be an artist", "I want to fix my life", and big, abstract, unspecific things like that. Of course I also get the impression I'm keep beating around the bush without taking real action, that I'm just fancy words and nothing else. That's discouraging as things are when they are your fault. But I must keep writing and I must keep giving a fuck about this, about my life. Tomorrow I'll be on track with sleep again, and coincidentally it will be Monday. I have the rest of the afternoon today to really think about my future; my future without videogames, even if my projection only spans for three very relatively measly months. Yup, something I should have done around eight months ago. I'm just exquisitely inefficient like that.

I've been thinking a lot about how to properly answer you, @Marquess. You were extremely rude and aggressive (and not just with me, which is the worrisome part), and you did cause me a fair deal of negative peer pressure. On the other hand, you were absolutely honest and straightforward and weren't trying to offend in a destructive way. Most people would be rather pissed at you for several possible reasons, incluiding getting defensive. Personally I decided I won't. I was upset when I read your comments days ago, but I hesitated in my response and now I just can gather your message from a neutral perspective (instead of getting mad or boasting about how I'm sparing you from my telematic wrath, both laughable possibilities). I said destructive because I believe people like you (the group of known people I assume you belong, among many other groups classified in my head based on psychologically shallow behavioral patterns people in each group share) have a conscious or subconscious belief that being rude (of course you wouldn't call that) is an effective way of getting your message across. Some kind of "Drill Sergeant Mentality" or "slaping people back to sanity" in survival situations. It works with the right person in the right moment so I won't complain (and I could). But it's basically an appeal to emotion and I'm not very... responsive, to emotions. Regretfully. Anyway jokes on me since I had a relapse. A huge one. Actually I just wanted to write to inform you guys about it. I have nothing to complain or reflect or theorise about the situation. I'm just playing the old games. And sleeping like shit. And not eating. And barely showering. All my projects are halted and this July has been completely thrown out the window. Simply that; no attached bullshit. If I have to make an estimation I'd say I'm back in a situation similar to 2013, before snapping and beggining my brief adventure in Dramatic Arts. Slightly wiser this time, and with a clearer idea (at least a rough guess) of where do I want to take my life. Even if I'm not doing shit to make it happen. Good news therefore is that at least I'm not in the situation of last year. I am depressed; saying otherwise for whatever reason would be ludicrous and dangerous. But I'm not the wreck I used to be. Or maybe I am, but everything seems a bit brighter. Which would make sense since it's summer. Pardon the pun. In my defense I'll say winter autumn usually makes things much more tolerable for me. Bad news is it that wreck will come back. It will come back the moment I take the slightest action towards the right path. It's an unresolved isue and it can't just be ignored. I have to take it down and choke it to death, even if it leaves me mentally scarred or some shit. As if, there are plenty of weirdos out there, I won't stand out so much. I have to tackle my mortality, my identity, my responsibility in my own life. It's ridiculous that I can't just relax and wait for the answer to dawn upon me while I'm doing seemingly random stuff in my life, and it's ridiculous that I still haven't got over the fact that "normal people" processes don't apply to me. So instead of getting out into the field and play until I get it how's it done I need at least a basic (I hope) set of my very own rules. I have to tell myself how I want to do things, convince myself, almost brain-wash myself into absolute conviction, then do them in my own personal way. It's exhausting just thinking about thinking about it. I really, REALLY don't want to be playing videogames until I reach another all-low point and forcefully shift my polarity in a fit of rage. Again. I'd like to be more... intentional about the whole process. It's more a reminder to myself, I don't think you can help me out of this extremely particular and individual thing. We have reached the event horizon where the issue can't be more condensed and it is I who has to make it work. It's my hour. Not latching to anyone feels refreshing and yet awfully terrifying. Believe me, I'm not the lone wolf type, at least when it comes to my problems. They are public domain and everyone, including you, knows it. If any of you happen to had the answer to magically solve everything I'd gladly step aside and let them do the dirty work. I'm more practical than proud, and I gotta a whole load of pride so... If I say it can't be done by anyone else, it can't. I'm not pleased with that. In the slightest. But it can't be helped. Now I'm going to log out, get some sleep and think about my next action. Perhaps I'll end up masturbating and playing again. Perhaps that will go on for several days, or weeks. For now, I just know that this is war, and I'm on my own. Despite the odds against me, I couldn't ask for a fairer start. I always wished to know what was wrong with me; well, now I know. What will I do, I wonder.

@LilChenChen Yes and no. Yes because game addiction is fundamentally different from other addictions. No because, well, it's "Game Quitters" at the end of the day! Also, full quote was not necessary. You can quote users using @ or delete unrelated text leaving only the part you're actually quoting. Keep my "room" tidy please! I'll try my best. At least try, I don't know my best. But try anyway.

Still disagree with the definition. But it's just a technicism. If it distracts me, it's equally bad than a game. Games themselves are not the problem. Our attitude towards them is. Our attitude towards life. And I have the same attitude of games with so many things. I'm so tired of myself. Fun fact. I haven't played LiS since I said I did. Oh, politics time! I was having a terrible day (week), sharing some thougths with you will cheer me up. They would end being nothing else than loan-sharks. Private enterprises are never an honest, straightforward affair. Actually private business should be allowed to exist only to provide non-essential goods and services at prohibitive prices so people will relate attaining them as achievement; and only because experience has proven (with a little help of capitalist meddling and warmongering) that you can't just ban luxury and consumerism. They are a disgusting but necessary evil. People need something to motivate them to thrive. It's not Heaven, land or titles anymore, and humans tend to be blissfully oblivious to self-growth, therefore a big shiny rock in a finger or a fancy overrated means of transport will have to do. Paternalist Capitalism, if you ask me. Now, about the link... James Badcock *giggles* 'scuse me. That story comes a long way back. Jerez is notoriously infamous for being a stronghold of corruption regardless of the party in power (unlike heavily one-sided corruption like conservatives fascists in Valencia or socialists in Andalusia). In this instance, socialists inherited and exploited the system of ousted (by widespread application of police handcuffs) opposition. This is probably unusual. Tradition dictates media on payroll races to dig up the rival's dirt. Despite renown of its wineries, the actual place lacks anything of note, so no one can quite explain the greek proportions of debt left behind. Again, no honest person can. Crooks think different. Concerning Cádiz, it was ruled almost as a personal demesne for the last 20 years by a populist, right-winged, blonde-dyed, middle-aged woman, stories like that were aplenty. They seem to be an european trend: there are at least two in Spain (there was a third most people only learned about when she was assasinated, an event which was absolutely shocking and exceptional, my dear firearm-handling, social-clashing anglo-american friends), Thatcher in the UK, Merkel in Germany... All equally unpleasant to look at and equally avoidant in their accountability. The right hates women but spawning those Eldritch aberrations is just low. Honorable mention to Rand of course. That being said, Hillary gives me the creeps and is just clinging to the "novelty-wagon" inaugurated by Obama (among other well exploited cir-cum-stances, which has its own merit to be fair). There, I said it. Then, glorious revolution came thanks to "The Celebration of Democracy" (La fiesta de la democracia, a widespread ancient political slogan to praise the right to vote) and now we (my hometown, so proud...) are ruled by a populist, left-winged, loose-shirt-and-earrings-wearing, no-real-former-job-known middle-aged man. Isn't it grand, comrade? You would LOVE the town hall meetings, @Marchosias. They are public by law and it's the best recreation available of the ancient Roman Senate. Or the current Ukrainian Parliament, depending on the mood of the day. Lumpenproletariats storm the halls, profanity and mediocrity ensues, police intervenes and another day well spent. Allegedly, despite all concerns on their personal hygiene and the red scare (or purple in this case, again with the unfortunate implications), public debt has been steadily decreasing. Not so big an achievement, I mean, check us out on Google Maps or something, I'm pretty sure having the tallest bridge of Europe or a stadium with glass walls was kinda exaggerated. Money ended in unwanted pockets, that's for certain. I knew I was going to spend the afternoon doing something completely secondary to my very pressing matters but I couldn't expect it would be this. At least my anger attack has receded (explanations later), so maybe I'll be able to get something done today. Hope you're all well, I'll write again very soon. ^^

I think we can reach a compromise. Let's say there is an objective. Anything that distracts me from that objective can be considered a game. The key term is "Temporary Escape". A VN or a graphic adventure can expand my knowledge and further SCIE my advances towards creating a work of my own. But if it's making me lose focus in my main objective then we can consider it a game. (Inconsequential activity) Assuming that my life won't stop being a mess until I reach such objective. That's a hell of an assumption, but it's a good first step. Now it's the perfect time to ask: What is my main objective? It can be anything, really. It gets confusing discerning. Let's imagine a pie chart with different items. Each item is contributing to make my life the living hell it currently is. Of course, there are bigger factors and smaller ones. So my objective should always be "Remove the biggest factor of the shitty-life chart". ------------------------- Update, 01/07: This post is salty. June ended in a most disappointing way. I literally slept it away. Now people is free of their scholarly obligations and summer has really begun so I expect, no, I hope an increase of social interactions. I don't think it will happen. My circles have the tendency to completely ignore me in my periods of failure and idleness. I was so social and in demand when I was an actor in training. Now I'm just a piece of absolute nothing (you can be crap and still have "orbiters"). I have to call people tirelessly to hang out with them, and it usually ends up in something mediocre in which I feel everyone is completely disconnected with me. It's either listening how their lives are progressing or talking about why mine isn't. Well fuck that, sincerely. If I was The day I am in the same level as them, with a normal life and such, I'll naturally find their experiences constructive, fun and interesting, and I won't have to talk about mine. Currently it's just asking for a shitty time, and I can get plenty of those on my own. That leads me to my latest tendency of avoiding all kinds of expensive interactions. I had planned a trip to Madrid to meet a friend, it was going to be something huge and I was quite nervous about it (implied in previous posts). Still, I prepared to take the challenge and the results were hopeful. At least until two days before departure, where I had an argument with another friend in which she, perhaps involuntarily, reminded me yet again of my complete lack of direction and purpose. Then it dawned to me that perhaps I was not morally allowed to leech a huge* sum of my mother's rightful money in a travel I wasn't sure [excuse] I wanted to undertake in order to feel good and avoid the grim reality that I am an almost 22 year old uneducated NEET. No fucking fun should be allowed, and every single euro should be spent in training, courses and recovery. So I began feeling like crap and cancelled everything. Everyone thinks I'm returning today. I'll tell them the truth and they will look at me like a clinical nutjob. Again. At least the cancellation was free. The planned investment wasn't so huge actually, but most of my friends are very poor. The first world definition of poor: no holidays, no extracurricular activities, no variety in food and clothing, no possibility of repairing damaged home appliances or paying expensive medicines... and of course they are always, always reminding you, even when everyone were putting themselves into debt and living the spanish dream not so long ago, while my mother, with a career and a permanent job was begging for food to the neighbors (Thanks, father). Now you have a whole crowd of enraged, uneducated proletariats with plasma tvs and at least 4 little children, asking for "rights" and "justice". I'm not exactly a neoliberal but that is absolutely disgusting. Cross your fucking legs and get a fucking job. Or study. My mother was born in the countryside, her parents had nothing of value, she studied and earned her civil service. Now you treat her like she was some kind of privileged bourgeois. She was given nothing. Her life was not for free. What were you doing while she was studying while working, while pregnant, while depressed, huh!? Scum! I guess you understand now. I'm terrified to end up being swallowed by this... vermin, become an uncultured, overweight spanish redneck (no red since no job), living off grants, getting wasted and returning home each day to greet my spiteful wife whom I can't divorce and my delinquent children whom I can't throw from the top of a bridge. My friend is breaking her back studying trying to escape this fate (to be fair her family history is the consequence of unfortunate circumstances rather than sheer irresponsibility). And me, what am I doing? Shitposting in a forum of future happy and successful people. That says a lot. -------------------------------------- Now the cheerful part, I guess As usual, I think I didn't take the detox seriously enough. Even if I'm not playing my usual games I still have lots of distractions. Or simply sleep the day away, which is cheating. It's like I gave up meth but I'm still doing heroin. Or vice versa, I don't know which one is worse. A reconsideration is required. - What I've learned: Yes, I've actually been observing myself and not just self-pitying! Crikey! 1. I have to wake up early (8:00) and go to bed late (0:00). Otherwise I fuck up my schedules. Flan's circadian rhythms can help me a lot with this. 2. Using the computer at morning even for 5 minutes is a perfect way of wasting ALL of the morning. And therefore the rest of the day. 3. I have to be constantly clean and groomed, or I'll use it as an excuse to not move. 4. I have to MOVE. A second inside is a second wasted. My town is very windy and it's hard to write, draw, read or do anything requiring paper, but I sure can find a safe spot. 5. Sport and exercise are NOT optional. 6. Going out to buy food for me and the family can be a perfect excuse to spend the day outside doing the things I always do inside. But outside. 7. Youtube, the timelines of Facebook and Twitter and my couch are pure evil. I have to avoid them at all costs. 8. I have to live my everyday life as if a nuclear war is about to begin. Always with a set of clothes and the basic items ready and at arms reach, to jump at the slightest opportunity. 9. Even if I don't like it, it's me who holds the responsibility of reaching out to my friends and manage my social life. 10. Habits, habits, habits. Drawing, translating and writing at the very least. 11. A day without theatre or something related to it, is a day wasted. 12. There are 542 things in an average room which I can use to procrastinate, including the room itself. --. Cheer up, dude. Implementing those habits it's going to be hard. Very hard. But they will help me a lot. I'll even look like a normal person! Which is of course the first step towards being one.