[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

Crippling dysphoria the last two days. This was to be expected: all the issues I've been burying under games coming to the surface after the initial rush of quitter enthusiasm. Right now I feel like bursting from the inside would be a relief. So I'm making progress, despite each hour hurting like a knife and the urge to hold one between my hands. To be fair, I've probably done more this week and a half than in the last whole year. Kindness to myself, etc, etc. 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

Very well, first post of 2022:

I fell into a huge relapse. My health collapsed, lost a lot of weight, had an hormone imbalance, some medical visitations... My therapist made me sign an agreement on minimal standards of self maintenance and avoiding self harm. As part of it, I've been completely clean of video games since Thursday. 6 whole days so far. My longest streak in several years. 

Two flatmates left and another two arrived and I discussed the situation with them, clean slate sort of thing. We arranged it so I left the laptop at the living room and one of them took it to her room. Not that I'll go rummaging around but it gives it more of "simply gone" feeling.

The withdrawal has been awful, I'm coping with the rest of the orfidal I was prescribed during my botched visit to a psychiatrist. I take med dependency very seriously so I've been taking only half a pill at night to help me sleep at proper hours. Today's pill seems to be taking a bit more to work it seems.

New medical appointments are coming up. Hobbies have been sorted, I don't wanna talk about them yet not to jinx it. I haven't feel this bad since early 2016. I'm in a much better position tho: loved ones, a uni degree waiting for me to come back, semi-independent adult insights. I'm getting there. It must be. Surely... 

[[ES] Continuación de Celia]

Escribí en este foro por primera vez el 30 de noviembre de 2015. Eso quiere decir que en unos días va a ser el sexto aniversario. En medio ha habido viajes, proyectos audaces y absurdos (como lo del Ejército...), dos años y medio de universidad, una transición de género, una relación de 4 años con una convivencia de uno (que acabó por motivos no relacionados con la transición, pero seguimos siendo amigos), una pandemia, dos descubrimientos de mi sexualidad (por si uno solo no era bastante), muchas amistades, pasajeras y cercanas, una muerte y por desgracia todavía bastantes videojuegos, pero con acontecimientos salpicados aquí y allá. 

Y supongo que el derrumbe de todas mis expectativas sobre que tenía que hacer esto o aquello antes de tal edad. ¿Me pone nerviosa? Por supuesto. Conozco mi situación. Sé que no va a ser sencillo continuar para una chica trans acercándose a la treintena, que se tomó su buen tiempo en estudiar, que no tiene experiencia laboral ni parece que vaya a tenerla pronto y con una red de contactos y apoyos muy precaria (en número, no en calidad). Estoy concienciada a vivir en la pobreza o de la caridad en algún momento si no consigo establecerme. Y no me importa. Lo único que necesito es seguir adelante. 

Y leyendo mis escritos antiguos, me da la sensación de que lo he hecho. Quizá no en un sentido convencional, socialmente aceptado, e incluso en eso ha habido avance porque ya tengo medio grado universitario terminado. Pero ya no vivo con el miedo a encontrar a mi madre muerta en el sofá y sentir que ya no podría avanzar. No, claro que podría. La miseria ya no es un problema ni una vergüenza. Y no soy la misma persona que escribía eso, ni siquiera me llamo igual. Sé que algo se me ocurrirá. Que, con suerte, tengo tiempo. Que puedo hacer algo con mi vida, aunque no sepa que es, aunque me ahogue a cada trecho y tenga que parar, aunque vaya despacio o tomando desvíos.

En el momento de escribir esto, estoy pasando por una crisis. He vuelto a vivir sola después de haberlo hecho un año en pareja, soy incapaz de comer, mantener mi higiene y vivir en general, dependo de la ayuda y amabilidad de mis compañeras de piso y mis amistades. De momento he dejado las clases y llevo un par de semanas atrapada en la cama. Mi estado de ánimo no es bueno. Pero en el fondo sé y por eso lo escribo, que todo esto es pasajero.

Creo que no he rebajado mis expectativas, sino que las estoy reevaluando. En cierto modo, me siento como si estuviera muriendo. Llevaba una inercia que me ha hecho enfermar y tener que volver a parar. Ahora siento como si me estuviera desprendiendo de cosas de mi pasado, como si se estuvieran despegando de mi cuerpo como piel muerta al caminar. No estoy segura de quién voy a "ser" cuando termine. Llevo en ese proceso quizá desde Abril.

Estos días en concreto, he vuelto a tomarme en serio el dejar de jugar y estoy bastante segura de que eso ha hecho que el proceso se acelere. Estaba jugando por las noches, por ansiedad, así que ahora dejo el ordenador en manos de mis compañeras de piso. Sigo sin poder dormir bien y me siento peor conmigo misma al tener que enfrentar la angustia, pero eso quiere decir que saldré mejor luego. No sé si podría haber cambiado la dirección de mi vida en menos tiempo. En tres años en vez de seis. En 4 en lugar de 11. Pero no importa. Ya no importa. Realmente solo llevo dos viviendo como quien realmente me siento. Uno de ellos fue en confinamiento. Toca despertar ahora. 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

Ok.

I moved to my new place, it's been two months living with 3 cis girls. They have wholeheartedly accepted me, I'm the one who sometimes finds shocking all this nonchalance and non-issue-ness (?) about my slightly different body. Evict the t*rf in your head (the worst enemy) I guess. We also get along well, laugh a lot, make plans together now and then. 

I've told them about my gaming addiction. I was increasingly using it to cope lately, they've been helping by taking the laptop into their rooms at night so I can sleep. I can't always manage to sleep (like today) but when I play games I end up crying and in physical pain in the morning. It's becoming more and more a health issue; probably not the first time I write this sentence but the situation is taking an upgrade in the urgency department. They also check on me from time to time and in turn I try to be there for them and keep up with the cleaning shifts. Lovely folks, they've been a blessing so far. 

I couldn't keep going with my studies and I'm currently taking a break. I don't think I'll be able to get anything done this semester, but I haven't completely discarded it. Next semester will be harder so I'm trying to get myself sorted for the long run, instead of blindly pushing through. In reality, I'm just exhausted. Been checking on more therapists, bit of physical rehab, and eventually gym and some hobbies. 

 

The stone in the road: I haven't been able to eat almost anything at all since last month or so. I fainted again a couple days ago, had a scare but it was less serious than the last one, at my friend's place. I'm probably visiting the hospital's emergency ward anytime now. I spend most of the day in bed with no energy, and when I do eat it's really upsetting for my stomach. Neck and back pains and nausea all over the place, almost constantly. Yeah, I'll probably go in the morning after writing this.

Treatment and care for eating disorders is less than ideal however, specially if they advise me supervised attention. Being admitted in (or worse, mandated into) a general psychiatric ward would be awful: physical restrictions, prison-like routines, sedative overdosing as standard practice and it wouldn't really fix my organizational skills and anxiety management by the time I'd get discharged. Also, the trans thing. I still can't trust fully that I won't come across some asshole who will claim I'm delusional and take my estrogen away, even if my treatment got approved by public doctors and has nothing to do with my eating habits. There still is people like that, even here. 

So I need a specific kind of expertise and there's very few of it since my disorder has nothing to do with my self-image. I avoid eating but I don't have any intention to lose weight. On the contrary, seeing my sickly and weak body in the mirror fills me with frustration and sadness. I can barely manage to be seen in this state. 

 

My mental health has been really bad but I'm not completely desperate. I was able to take a break, I was able to face my issues. I even got some pills for when anxiety hits too hard. Won't last long tho, I had a fight with my psychiatrist's secretary and I've been reluctant to go in person and settle the issue. I will, eventually. I don't usually argue but it's kinda been happening a lot. A lot by my own standards, like just a couple times, but that's a lot for me. Btw, the ADD diagnosis test was a complete scam. I won't give up on that but it's not a priority atm. 

 

The undefined girl from previous posts became defined and we're doing long distance after another visit last month. I've been getting some déjà vu with my last two exes since my problems are still unresolved. I'm more and more convinced I create resentment in others - in my current state. That's discouraging...

But it has taught me to trust my own judgment a bit more. Yes, sometimes I'm pessimistic and biased, but I also know myself and have more experience than what I'd like to admit. Sometimes I recognize a glow in the eye because I've seen it before, or where a languid critique leads to. There's a chance for us to meet in a couple weeks. She told me "I'm not sure, our plans usually go badly", and then admitted she was concerned about us being stuck "doing nothing together" since we're both currently struggling to find the next thing in our lives. Heard that before, been there before, lived that before. I'm considering cutting ties again, at least partially. And hurt myself a lot again. But I'm slowly advancing. Through sheer blood.

 

Living on my own, even if so precariously that I'm on the verge of a health crisis, was not even a realistic possibility 6 months ago. 

I need to keep going. If it kills me, that'd be what was meant to be anyway. 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

I reached 27 years being alive outside of any other human. Yay me 😃

My sleep's been terrible lately, lots of anxiety and death dread. I went to my dentist appointments tho, and also managed to attend the ADD test the clinic I called last month arranged for me (waiting for the results now); so I'm somewhat hanging. I'm supposed to go back to my study place in a couple days, I'm absolutely not ready for it but it'll have to happen, even if it turns out a disaster. Been gaming and quitting in short, intense streaks and it's hurting my health a lot, but I'll keep trying. I read less lately but I'm still able to do it and couldn't be happier about it.

 

I'm not sure if I'm improving but I'm surviving so maybe I should stop to appreciate and be grateful for that.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

On 5/12/2021 at 4:07 AM, BooksandTrees said:

May I ask if you're seeing a therapist?

 Not at the moment but I was when I wrote the last entries. I'll look into it at some point, perhaps in September.

On 5/12/2021 at 4:07 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Congrats on dating this girl for 6 months. How is the experience vs dating your ex boyfriend? It's got to be strange or at least interesting? How is it impacting your life?

Bad news first: we broke up shortly after I wrote the original post. Nothing mean happened, but it happened. I'll elaborate at the end. 

I'll get a bit 'technical' here (AKA I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING TO AN EXCRUCIATING AMOUNT OF DETAIL), you don't have to read the whole of it, I'll be signalling the parts that are only about context:

Before I transitioned I was completely invisible to girls. I was aware something was not working with me, specially after I came out as bi and apparently had no issue with boys, like I wasn't the hottest shit in the block but I could manage. The issue was girls, then. Eventually I was able to be ok with this "impopularity" since bisexuality meant I could stick to boys and wouldn't be completely lonely. It helped (and hurt at the same time) seeing my ex-boyfriend dealing with the same problem. And he was life partner material, so it wasn't about me being an awful person......... Maybe?

Quote

(you can skip this) But he's fat, bit shy and doesn't bother to look "mature". Not in an "internet cringy" way, believe me, it's just that he takes a caregiver role, loves animation movies (me too) and fantasy stuff and has this cute kinda childish laugh? So probably cishet girls get a "stuffed animal" or "gay dad" vibe instead of an "attractive" vibe. Cultural conditioning, beauty standards, those sort of things. Their loss, more blue eyes to get lost in for myself. Really wish he finds someone good eventually. He's also bi and also had some success with boys, scratch me from the 'boy' list tho; hence the comparison. And yes I can be sappy about people I bed present or past in my own diary, hah. (/you can skip this)

Then I found out I was trans.

I did my best to try get used to 'be' this lanky, nerdy, awkward-but-socially-acceptable (that was the hardest part) boy. When that stopped working and couldn't handle it anymore, I took a leap of faith and gods was it worth, I was so at peace with myself, yadda yadda. The second best time of my life; for real. But how was other people going to see me?

Most people would at least not be overtly rude to me, a reasonable amount would respect me and I was becoming happier each passing day with the way I looked and felt. But would anyone (beside my then ongoing relationship) date me?

One of my first trans friends was a "veteran" straight girl who's had a good amount of horror stories with men. I became reluctant to go through the same, so my previous failsafe was gone. Also I wouldn't be able to date anyone exclusively attracted to masculinity anymore, it wasn't the same context (the new context is: chasers, and ugh). At the same time, I would be able -at some point- to begin to date people attracted to femininity or at least androgyny? That was mysterious to experience. To me, gender presentation is a nonissue and at core I'd still be the "same" person, right?

Right...?

Quote

 

(you can skip this)

Like, when do you cross the frontier between being attractive to gay guys and begin being attractive to lesbian girls, or the other way around? And then there's non-binary people who can be, like and be liked by whatever. You can have a cis boy, a trans boy, a butch girl (cis or trans) and a non-binary pal who look and dress identically the same, yet the label would mean they socialize in a completely different way.

Gender. What a concept.

(/you can skip this)

 

I haven't dared to flirt with a cis girl yet. I fear they'll lash out at me; it's internalized transphobia. In reality, sapphics (lesbians and bis) hold less prejudice about us than men. Also I was somewhat aware I would share a lot in common with a fellow trans girl and I met a lot of couples and polycules when I joined Twitter months before. But it had to happen if I was to believe it.

And then it happened.

Quote

(you can skip this) I met her in a discord group chat (I hear it's kind of a meme in the anglo sphere but I don't use it that much), shared some selfies with other people around, then some playful flirts, then I actually crushed a bit on her. At the time she was struggling with pre-transition breakup angst and I tried to box my feelings and be a cool friend. I managed fine, then in summer (last summer) we agreed to meet since we lived very close. While hanging out she asked if the flirts were serious. They kinda weren't when I threw them and genuinely saw her as a friend at that point but I got all flustered, told her it was too soon to know and later, she said goodbye with a kiss in my cheek and I couldn't do anything about it anymore. Lame, yeah ok, I'm a dumb romantic behind all the english-spanish macaronic sass. (/you can skip this)

With my ex-boyfriend it had been a slow, pleasant burn. He was kind, a detailist (that ended up biting me in the ass later on), always able to talk things instead of arguing. Overall it was a real nice going. He gave me security and comfort which then turned into dependency when we began living together and other things in my life became less stable. Turns out most of it was unchecked ADHD symptoms on my part, transitioning barely made an impact. That was huge, when things got bad I delayed "the talk" because I was afraid no one else would accept me like he did. Breaking up was rough but we ended in good terms so I can't really complain, just be melancholic about it from time to time. I miss the dork, even if we still share memes now and then.

With her, everything was new and emotional. I can't describe the bond. The shared intimacies about our troubled past in the closet, the first careful explorations of our changed bodies, the innocent plans that were a whole new thing because it was with a girl and we were now living as girls, it was like reparation for my past teenager self, how it was meant to be even if a decade later. We felt truly, unconditionally loved for who we were, with no previous attachments. Our communication was a bit less fluid but everything with her was exciting. She saved me a good couple of times.

Perhaps too much. 

When I broke up with my ex bf I had serious trouble keeping myself going. I mean eating, sleeping, even drinking water. I got very sick a couple of times.

Quote

[caution here: death mention, you can skip] The worst of them was collapsing during a friend's birthday party. I got very nauseous and queasy (I was sober the whole time), the hosts allowed me to lie in their bed and for a while I thought I was dying for real.

It may sound strange but it was an interesting experience now that I have survived it: I had predicted (somewhere in the journal) that, when the time arrived and if I could be aware of it, I wouldn't suffer emotionally as much as I do while anticipating, and in this moment it was exactly like that. I was scared, but a sort of quiet fear. There were 3 thoughts in my mind: 1. I didn't want to be alone, 2. I didn't want to be lying completely on my back and 3. The light was too dark. So if I manage to make it, ideally I'll die around someone, while sitting and with lights on, or windows open. Gotta write those down.

The next morning I was able to get up, throw up with nothing in my stomach and some friends nursed me for a couple days. So back for another round, still alive and kicking. [/caution here: death mention]

When I found a new place I slowly began to live by myself again, but I'd still have nervous breakdowns over the slightest thing. Again ADHD, it showed up fully the moment no one was around. I would rely on her, call her to keep me company while doing chores, replace long-distance date plans with crying sessions. It happened I couple of times and I couldn't stand it anymore. I knew I needed time for myself, to heal at my own pace.

Quote

(you can skip this) So after a particularly bad call the night before, I wrote her I couldn't keep going. I didn't want to end things. Wishful thinking, wasn't it. When I told her how I felt, she came to the conclusion I was being too radical but we should still split, and after that there was no point in backing down and trying to deescalate. I talked as if I was hoping I could just disappear for months then reappear and carry on as if nothing had happened. There was nothing wrong between us and I'm a romantic, right? I can name people in my life who could pull that on me. But it wasn't to be. The vast majority of the world doesn't work like that. Can't blame them. She told me "I can't wait for this something you're expecting to arrive yet you don't know when" and also that "We could still be together while I got better but I didn't want to trust it." (/you can skip this)

I knew I couldn't provide. I really, really felt I couldn't take care of anyone, let alone myself, and still can't right now. I know being with someone is going through bad stuff together, but it's been too many times already. Everyone has said that. At first. Then it comes the "I feel I can't say what's wrong because it will upset you" and eventually, little by little they come to resent me. I need to hold myself accountable.

I don't lash out, I'm not a violent person, but it seems I'm "too much". Too emotional, too melancholic, too unstable. Always been. I'm really sorry, I don't mean to. I am not a victim, I sure as hell don't want pity. It's just a disability. I need to get my ADHD checked and be able to eat and keep a life going (developing strategies and perhaps with the help of meds) before I can share it with anyone else. Anything else would mean acting selfishly and constantly lean on someone else. I don't want to burden anyone like that, there's no need. I can do this. I want to. I'm a transgender woman in her late 20s with no university studies, no job experience, an aging mother and no close family. My path is being self-sufficient, or perish.

The ironic twist: while I was trying to focus on my studies, a friend whom I was one-sidedly in love with (and knew about it) became my neighbor after I moved. She was also struggling with her Master's (degree), we hanged out more than before to lick our emotional wounds and she ended up wanting to escalate things. We kept each other's company for a month and it was pretty great, then we returned to our hometowns and she visited mine last week. She left just in time to reach the point of "not wanting to say what's wrong because it will upset you" and other deeply embarrassing experiences for me, so even if I had a decent summer so far and we're in a sort of long-distance 'undefined', I'm more convinced than ever that I need time and space for myself. It's been 5 years talking about sorting out this sorting out that. About damn time.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

@BooksandTrees Been a while friend! I'll reply to everything but first I must get something out of my chest:

It's been a lot since I was active here, and most probably I'll never be as active (and overall that's good news, I wasn't doing anything else in 2015-16). Most people I knew from back then left, and all the developments from the past two years kept me so busy that I forgot most details about practically everyone here. But I'll look back into our past interactions and check on you, right after I write this one. Glad to see you're doing well. I mean it.

On 5/12/2021 at 4:07 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I think the fear of death gets amplified from rumination

Totally agree. I'll reuse a metaphor I made yesterday with a long-distance friend: It's not even about death itself. It's the feeling of lack of control, the disappointment, being ultimately anxious and indecisive about the future that projects into the vague certainty that a time will arrive when there's 'no future' at all.

However.

If I could do everything I wanted whenever I wanted, I'd probably laze around for a while afterwards, watching some clouds and that kinda stuff, and then think "Well, I still don't want to die but, at least I'm ok-ish with it now, you gotta quit at some point". It's not the fear of death. It's fear, already inside you, that takes the form of death. It could be anything else. For some people it's fear of loneliness (for example). I'm not afraid of it because I'm somewhat confident I could fix it at any point, meet new people etc. But I can't fix death. And also, sometimes I fear I won't be able to fix my future. When the two things clash in my head, I have a panic attack (and other physical reactions much similar to yours, now we're siblings in arms bonded by hardship). But that says more about me than the things themselves. Death is cool, actually. Or at least not inherently nasty.

Still, dying is inconvenient. I have a right to be upset about it. You have it too. Imo, you should allow yourself to be sad or angry or melancholic from time to time, however you cope with it is fine. It's part of the process, and even if it's bothering me more than usual at this time, I'm much better now that I just let the emotions come and go instead of fighting them or believing I'm flawed or crazy.

---> I'm ALSO much better since I put some polite emotional distance between me and the people who, no matter how well-intentioned, insisted that I was being "too much", or trying to demean my feelings in any way. Totally recommended. Trust me. I mean they're just feelings man, I have to listen to a lot of boring conversations and patiently go through everyone's annoying quirks, well being introspective and sometimes morbid is mine, so deal with it world.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

I kept reading and I'm almost certain I have ADD (not so sure about the H). That would give my experience with gaming addiction a new turn, a revealing but unpleasant one. Why strategy games precisely? Why pausable ones? Predictability. Security. Complex schemes. Making things work in my head and watch them unfold at a pace I can manage, with the ability to stop and re-think at will, unlike real time overstimulation. It makes so much sense that it makes me angry. For not noticing before I guess. For everyone else not noticing before. 

And not just games. Getting into studies and dropping them traumatically when I can't commit or keep up. Problems socializing, eating, showering, doing groceries. Doing reckless things when in crisis like applying to the armed forces, traveling to countries at risk or fleeing home randomly and finding theatre schools 'laying around'. All this god damned journal.

I hate the notion of being "not normal". I used to cringe at the thought of being "one of those tumblr snowflakes". Well, the irony. I had a 4chan phase so, I can't really blame that mindset. ADHD political sciences student bisexual trans woman? My, my, isn't that like the epitome of woke. I still can't draw anthropomorphized animals but having reached this point I may just begin to learn. 

This year's being honestly shit so far. But if it helps putting things in a new place, begin a new phase well, it's how it's meant to be. The new decade thing only makes it fancier.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

My studies are going awful this term and I'm considering returning to my hometown and spend a couple months rotting until I figure out what to do. The good side is, I could get some paperwork done in order to update my legal status (ID name, bank accounts, etc) and also get serious about getting some meds prescribed to keep my anxiety in check. There's also some medical tests I've been putting off. But I HAVE TO go and do the thing, it would be a real step back to just hide in my room and cope with games and unhealthy sleeping again. I can also do all these tasks in summer as well.

I feel so lost. Maintaining myself in my basic functions is such a strain. It shouldn't be that hard. I honestly don't see people struggling like me to do certain things. With University perhaps, it's a tough issue after all. But eating, showering, doing things they enjoy, not having panic attacks every night... It's been nearly two years that I'm living on my own two feet, two and half if I count the time I spent in Italy, and it hasn't become any easier. The burnout is killing me. I have this friend who keeps pointing me towards autistic and specially ADHD traits and there are many that overally resonate, but not strongly or convincingly enough to dare to self-diagnose. Having high IQ is a neurodivergence in its own right (I'm trying my best to refrain from self-harming by calling it a disability), and people I met who have it are certainly not like the average person, so maybe I'm having some kind of POV bias here.

Maybe I keep trying to do things in a way I cannot do? 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

It's been an awful lot of time; every time I tried to come back I wrote some kind of preliminary text and then dropped it. I'm going to try the bullet form since there's a lot that's been going in my life and I was already under the impression I've been neglecting and leaving a lot of stuff uncovered since probably mid 2017, when my posts began to be more (intermittent?).

I mean, I have no obligation, but it's always comforting to look back. I also have a small handwritten diary. I write there from time to time: small pieces, usually in some sort of prose, and it helps me getting out of a funk when I go back to them. Feels like... sympathy (surprisingly) to the person who was struggling a month or two ago. The last half of the diary is already occupied by complimentary letters from the people I met during my youth exchanges (2016-2018). Under 'deadname' (old name) of course, but that gives it kind of its charm, doesn't it? Past life. Past memories.

So, let's see. Overally I've been struggling but there's been highs and lows:

- I met a girl in summer and we've been dating for 6 months now. It was my first polyam experience and the first girl I've dated as myself. It's been... amazing. I could talk all day about it. Maybe I will at some point.

[Trigger warning here, I'm about to talk about a potentially distressing situation about sickness, dementia and death.]

- My grandma began going downhill beyond the point of no recovery since the beginning of 2020. The regression to her childhood years and the anxiety attacks because she "had to return home so her parents would not worry" was by far the worst. We began sedating her progressively with the help of a physician, but ultimately and after a lot of back and forth reasoning and doubts, we resolved to transfer her to a nursing home. Only a month later and after great financial expenses, there was a Covid outbreak in the place. She died in January this year. Before the outbreak, there was already a preventive safety protocol implemented. We weren't allowed to visit her and she probably spent her last days confused, isolated and surrounded by masked strangers. The treatment we received from the nursing home's staff was less than ideal. They called my mom during the wake and told her my gran had slept soundly that night and she was just fine. I bet she did sleep well, we were with her to check and she didn't complain, even with her casket tightly shut with duct tape to avoid accidental virus spread.

I'm telling you this awful story because... there's several parts of my journal where I talk about magical thinking I had developed about her ("I feel she'll die when I start being somewhat independent") and, obviously it's a coincidence but it happened. Kinda feels like the closure of a chapter for both my mom and I. There's other things I'll write about after this one that reinforce that impression.

The other reason is because I have a notorious, and sometimes crippling fear of death. I've mentioned it tons of times, it's just part of who I am and probably ever be. My other grandparents either died when I was too young or I was kept from taking part in the funeral because my father's family is just that petty and miserable. So this was the first death I experienced as an adult woman. I don't have a defined image in my brain when the panic attacks kick in, but my grandma's illness, death, and even the management of the whole rite and process was particularly dreadful, perhaps everything I would ever fear that would happen to me in some of the worst scenarios (excluding the ones that involve violence).

I'm relieved she passed, considering the circumstances. It's just... 

I lost so much time. Mumbling alone in my room, scared to act, starting things and quitting abruptly. Gaming to cope and escape. Depressed. Moping and complaining. I live so passively even now and my youth will not last that long. Ideally I will have time to live quietly later on and even then nothing guarantees my 50s, 60s, 70s... will be healthy and self-aware.

It has fueled my already suffocating feeling of urgency. A downside of transitioning when you're in your mid 20s is, since social acceptance has begun quite recently (and it's currently going through setbacks and backwards reaction and legislation), I end up usually interacting (mostly online) with people younger than me, a whole new generation of queer folks living in a much more tolerant place than the one I grew up at. But. Even 5 years younger, 20, 21, feels like worlds apart to me. Worlds filled with lost opportunities. A person transitioning in their 30s or 40s would scoff at me, of course. It's a shared curse. Also capitalist cultural interpretation and idealization of youth etc, you know the drill. But it still hurts. I wish I had a clear direction in life.

- Changing the tone and since I mentioned transition, it's been a year and three months now. Taking estrogen has lost it's novelty and now it's just a daily chore, but it's been so worth it. I've never felt happier with myself. People who hate my existence are always trying to argue I'm some sort of leech, predating on everyone else's lifes -and political subjects. Man, screw that. It's all about my relationship with myself. And even despite the anxieties, the insecurities, the struggles in life, I've never felt more comfortable and ready to face whatever comes my way. Maybe I'll even share a picture sometime!

- I'll need that energy and positivity cause last week I broke up with my boyfriend after 4 years of relationship. I'm currently in the process of looking for a new place to live, which is probably one of the things I hate to do the most. It fills me with radical maoist impulses. All my numerous fears related to facing living on my own are rapidly approaching physical realization and I'm terrified. You can't conceive how much. It's something I've been dragging since childhood.

However I saw it coming. I've been under some kind of mourning since last summer (quarantine was awful to my mental health), so it didn't come as a huge surprise when my now ex talked to me about how my emotional dependent obsessions were right and not actually guilt-tripping paranoia and we were truly feeding each other's insecurities and fight or flight responses. Insecurities that were there way before meeting each other.

Strange, right? It's so strange to live through the end of a relationship which didn't end with violence. Somehow I believed that was not a thing. We were just two folks trying our best and ultimately deciding we were hurting ourselves. Everything's going so healthily, in such a civilized way. We're talking, making plans to move, settling things. And yet I still want to scream and cry sometimes, like probably everyone else in the world has done in my situation. I'm just sad. But I'm ok with being sad right now. I've been accepting my sadness in a much more resolute way. I won't feel ashamed or guilty for being sad anymore. It almost makes me satisfied, it means I'm feeling something. Instead of the profound dullness from previous years and journal entries.

 

I'm getting sleepy and I know that means I will accidentally close the browser in a short amount of time. I'll just hit send and elaborate on some things later. It was nice to let out and connect back with the thing that kept me alive not that long ago. No promises, but I'll try to write more regularly.

[[ES] Canción de blues & funk]

Enhorabuena! Me alegra mucho saber de ti y que estás bien. Mucho ánimo con todo, yo tampoco escribo por aquí últimamente pero a veces lo miro, leeré cualquier cosa que compartas.

¡Cuídate mucho!

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

On 4/26/2020 at 6:44 PM, BooksandTrees said:

you seem extroverted so naturally you'd

Never, in my entire life I would have expected someone to asume extroversion to somehow come naturally to me.

Shit, video game and gender quitting really takes you places. 

 

Jokes aside nah, no offense taken, I think you made a solid point @BooksandTrees.

About the finding things, I think I've found them BUT they give me anxiety, because I feel them as something to excel at, instead of, you know, something to have fun with in the midst of the overall pointlessness (in a good way) of life.

I want to read, play the piano and violin and perhaps other instruments, do fencing, exercise from time to time, go to walks, read and hoard a personal library of favorites, dance, dress fancy, finish my studies and learn a lot about my field, learn to draw, watch good movies and discover good music, take good care of my partner, explore my intimate polyromantic side and my, uh, nsfw interests, write stories and perhaps a book, travel lots and lots (I guess I'll have to go incognito now to most places), and a personal yet silly dream of mine is to find something a trans girl hasn't done yet and do it in order to be the first, for glory and excitement. 

Sounds good, right? It sounded great to me when I was writing it. But then I'm faced with the opportunity to actually start doing them and my mental state collapses, I feel pressured and my senses dulled. Then of course I feel I'm doing nothing and terribly jealous of people who are "doing stuff". Of course almost everyone is doing stuff, except for the chronically depressed. Probably I am but I was never diagnosed. It's not like I'm sad all the time as I used to be. I feel lost and without strength, intention or enthusiasm to do anything. Maybe that's the key issue. However I do feel enthusiastic, or at least urged to play the games I like, even tho I rationally know I can't moderate. 

I think you were very smart in your reply. My game plan, no pun intended, should look something like this: making schedules, stick to routinely and acceptable productivity, learn to do new things and find more community so games are not that relevant in my conversational "roster". Then when I reach some level of experience I can share what I learned with others, something I feel I'm really passionate about (sharing experiences and help people). It's the n'th time I reach this conclusion, so I also need a way to deal with that performance anxiety that is keeping me from being satisfied with myself.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

(This is from the 24th but I left it written and forgot to post it)

Been on some sort of hiatus since the beginning of the quarantine. Dealing with dysphoria (did I mention I shaved my head right after coming out?), emotional conflict, some fights at home and struggling with online uni courses. There has also been a lot of good times, intimacy moments and good conversations, so in those moments I was also too busy to write. Things got pretty intense for both good and bad during the last weeks, but I'm happy to report I'm surviving.

There's an issue that has been nagging me related to video game addiction and since it's been bothering me for a couple days now, I think it's a good idea to take it from my chest. I also made my favorite tea to go with my venting:

My original plan was to leave mom's laptop back in my hometown and stick to libraries in order to complete my assignments. This quickly fell down when they closed, so a situation developed in which I was borrowing my bf's laptop and it was a huge source of conflict to the point I had to hurriedly buy a new one. I had almost never argued with him before for any other reason so as you can imagine this hasn't increased my sympathy for the idea of owning technology. And of course it has made my life more miserable since I'm browsing a whole lot more, being exposed to negative stuff and my responsibilities (mostly studies) are slowly piling up. 

At the same time I've also begun to dabble into the proper side of Twitter and Discord, met a bunch of really nice people and I'm in the process of hopefully meeting more friends. 10 year-old me (hell, 25 year old- me too) is thrilled to have discovered there are people out there who is just right up my alley: history buffs, political nerds, transgender and... yeah. Grand Strategy gamers.

It grinds my gears so fucking bad! There's few things I had wished more in my life than light-hearted plays with friends. Now, trans girls as well? You must be kidding. I love to banter about history and childhood games in our timelines, but it also triggers my cravings and I'm positive I cannot handle even being at smelling distance from a video game by myself. Sometimes I feel like some sort of infected patient, like a violent zombie, who can't be left without supervision, or being turned the back to. I feel wrong, as I've felt so many times during my game quitting journey. Of course trying to quit games was the decision that kickstarted my real, meaningful life but still, with games being so ever-present, I can't help but feel handicapped from time to time.

[COVID19 (Coronavirus) and Gaming Addiction]

I'm pinning and featuring this topic for the time being. @BooksandTrees you did an amazing job writing this. Thank you.

I've been in this community since almost the beginning and all my recovery process has been about escaping from self-imposed isolation, but this situation is new for me as well. Your reminder is accurate and with great timing. Out there it's just a slightly overpowered flu, not like the end of the world, but we gotta live through this quarantine and that's how things are. This is a great opportunity to support each other and grow, so let's keep it together, everyone! 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

In a twist of ultimate irony, the Government has decreed to stay home JUST when I was beginning to get used to behave like the rest of humans. Even mom found the joke funny, because honestly, the timing truly was strange. 

My bf commented this may be a turning point for an entire generation of kids who will remember "that time when we were stuck at home". Well, I'm not so sure I would have noticed a month of quarantine not so long ago... The adults like me (yeah, I'm getting used to use those 2 words together) will surely remember the fascist undertones of the whole thing. The president, standing stiff as a tree trunk (and conveniently zoomed in for dramatic effect), looking right through the TV screen, pronouncing the fated words: "Victory will only be achieved through social discipline"; and then, it was done. It gave me all the V for Vendetta vibes and then some. Will the "Southern Fire" be trans-inclusive this time? Nah don't think so. Never is, for some weird reason. 

[Dear Diary...]

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

@DaBest I'm probably going to make another statistical post like that in 2 weeks. It will be the tipping point for Italy to see if they peak or not. It will also show if Germany, Spain, France, and the United States have different trajectories and we can compare each nation's response vs their infection rates. 

Spain here ✌️ Alarm state decreed today on all the country, so now it would be a good time to start monitoring. Before that you should check the data by autonomous region, since most of them have the authority on normal days over health issues (cause Spain administration is basically modern feudalism) and their reaction times were different. Differences by province can be explained mostly by transport and infrastructure (e.g. Málaga has the most relevant international airport in all the south and the cases there went up exponentially from early on). All schools are bound to close today so most students will travel back home (they're already doing it) and that'll be a problem. 

Been feeling lately I was losing control of my own university subjects so I'll get inspiration from you and use these days to reconnect and get back on track with my studies. Let's do our best! Also what you say about difficult times for recovering addicts is very sensible and correct. What could we do as community to handle it...? 

[Let me waste some of your time...]

5 hours ago, antrax737 said:

But nevermind... from gaming to depression, wrong forum... thanks for all the help... sorry for bringing this stuff here...

This is an appropriate place to bring this kind of stuff in my opinion. We're all here to quit gaming, but in the end there's a reason we began to play in the first place: anxiety, escaping from depression or bullying, unhealthy social relationships... Nothing you spoke about is out of place in this forum. Anyway it's not like we're closing soon coronavirus doesn't reach the internet yet so feel free to visit and explore the threads anytime. Good luck with all your stuff, you can handle it! 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

@BooksandTrees Well doesn't Sadness and Anger come to our doors dressed in each other's clothes. I heard that sentence mentioned in a theatre play I went to the other day. Kind of stuck with me.

As far as I know, people transitioning are either completely stoic because they're carrying issues from the past, and inevitably explode from time to time, or are huge balls of unfiltered emotions. I'm leaning towards the second group, but I'm trying to learn to express myself more efficiently (like, being able to express the little things instead of letting them grow into bigger things). Before I became the Italy of gender (?) I was in a prison. I was already bi and a bit queer so traditional masculinity wasn't expected from me, but old habits die hard, I think the saying goes. It was awful. I even feared I was just escaping from that by "becoming" a woman. That was exclusionary bullshit I internalized, but I still recognize how there's no shame now in expressing cheesy emotions, specially among fellow women. I wish men could do that. They have the potential to listen and support, I experienced it in my past. Now they just have to drop the Victorian act. 

Either way in this house and journal we don't gender things. We just do things (?). The exercise and meal prepping suggestions are great, I'm getting into the second and when I'm able to handle it I'll go for the first. 

 

On Sunday it was Women's Day. In Spain it's a huge event, specially since 2 years ago, so we went to the streets and held a massive march. I was with some guys from a LGBTI assembly who were chanting some... inventive advice to the alt-right party. This year's focus was LBT women and there was added controversy for the recent expulsion of a terf party from the left coalition on the grounds of hate speech. Terfs are mostly entrenched in the bigger cities' academic environment (and the internet), so turns out I'm living in a pretty safe place. That's what the people made me feel at least.

I had a blast. Since apparently I was the protagonist, they asked me to help carry one of those big banners that go from side to side of the street. A lot of people were holding transgender flags and smiling and waving to us, showing support. Other feminist groups were chanting about how welcomed we were and must be. I got really emotional. I have a lot of social dysphoria coming from internalized transphobia; which is a fancy way of saying I still subconsciously hate myself because other people hate their own ignorant idea of myself. I'm still excusing myself for existing and trying to keep a low profile in women spaces. It's like I fear someone will suddenly stand up and start screaming nonsense about bathrooms and 8th grade biology and that sort of thing. Instead, yesterday I felt true happiness. It was the first time I could really feel happy and proud of who I am, and shout that I, too, am worthy of respect and not some sort of nihilistic creep. And I can fight too. Not just for my own "selfish" reasons, but for all women, in all our shapes and sizes. And for men as well. I will never forget how I felt when I assumed I was one. We will smash patriarchy and bullshit gender expectations folks.

 

After that we will still be able to burp and wear our checkered flannels; but only if and when we want to (?) (and not like, as a male or lesbian flag. I like both my dresses and my flannels. Some of them at least.) 

[Let me waste some of your time...]

Well I know a thing or two about living a life I don't feel real (?), so let me reply what you said so far and if you want to write more in detail later I will be happy to read you ^w^

23 hours ago, antrax737 said:

any ideas how to kill my act?

Be honest with yourself. You don't have to be honest with others all the time, you can have your own reasons to be not completely open to other people sometimes (safety, physical or emotional, getting a job you need to survive, things like that). But always be honest with yourself. Admit and try not to judge anything you're feeling. You're feeling it for a reason. Let it guide you and let yourself turn those feelings into thoughts and ideas.

Anything you want in this life, is OK to want it. Unless you want to be a mass murderer. Anything that doesn't obviously hurt other people, you can want it. Go do those things, no matter how difficult or weird. You'll probably end up in other things that will lead you to even more things, so the first goal is not even important. You'll change with time. 

On 3/9/2020 at 11:53 PM, antrax737 said:

if i quit the act, my personality would... let's just say, explode?

I felt that too. That I would explode and "go outside myself". And it happened some times in the end, but it wasn't like an overnight explosion, more like, certain moments. And a small part of those moments would stay, changing my usual personality little by little. I feared those moments, but when they happened, they were great. Don't worry about that. Let it happen. Also try everything you want to try at least once. That's the thing that has helped me the most since I was 16. Saved my life a couple of times, at least two of those times, it saved me literally. 

Introvert and extrovert are more like temporary states than actual personalities. You can feel introverted at a party, and it wouldn't be the same as being shy, and it wouldn't mean you won't stop feeling like that forever. You can enjoy being with people and still have deep thoughts, that doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. Don't put yourself in a box. Sometimes you'll want company, sometimes you'll want your own space. Both are you. You can be flexible. 

[Let me waste some of your time...]

9 hours ago, antrax737 said:

FFS, i hope you didn't read everything

I read all of it and you can't fucking stop me. (?) 

25 year old here. I stopped studying in high-school at 16 and I could only take it back this year (2019-2020). I'm still scared I'll make any mistake and fuck everything up but at least I understand that feeling of thinking you've wasted a lot of time. I mean I'm at Uni and most of my class was born in freaking 2001, it's still weird if I think about it. Also got bullied mostly in primary school cause I was supposedly smart and I spoke 'weird' like in the books (complicated words and sounded arrogant). Got my share of fights, lost every single one and gave up, then it sorta cooled down over the years, except this guy who was bothering me and a bunch of other people until the end. 

I'm so sorry for the people you lost and how it made you feel, that's without doubt the toughest part of your story. I hope your mother gets well soon. I used to think mine was nothing but a nuisance but I'd be completely lost without her. Maybe she can't understand you like you wish she would, but sometimes it's not about people understanding, sometimes it's just about them being there. If you have anything you think you should tell her (if you feel you need to apologize to her, or ask for an apology from her for anything that hurt you, or talk about things that happened between you), you should do it right now. Not because she's sick but because you'll feel relieved to not keep it to yourself. Don't tell a bunch of strangers that you feel you behaved wrong with your mom, tell her. 

9 hours ago, antrax737 said:

This i guess is not what you ussually get on this forum, not a cry for help or story of sort of success. it's a story of hiding behind gaming and realisation of what i've been doing.

The three things are exactly what this forum is about, try again (?) 

You can turn things around and do something worthy with your life. You're already doing it by educating yourself and thinking about your relationship with gaming and how you used to handle things. It's not a small thing, so you're already driving that road. But you need to get some things clear right now:

1. You have time. Thinking you don't is your brain trying to convince you to stay home gaming. 

2. You went through some heavy shit and you were surviving. You're putting yourself in the place where you can start doing interesting things, but you couldn't avoid what happened in the past. You were not wasting time, even if you were gaming.

3. It's not about doing things "right" or what you "must" do with your time. It's about what you think you should be doing with your time. You were using games to cope with a difficult situation you had no control over, it just happened to you. It doesn't matter if you were addicted or not. Now you can make a decision. "Is gaming what I want to do this evening or should I do something else?". And not because you need to earn the medal of "normal, useful person". You have to do it for yourself. 

4. You're fucking smart, get over it (?). No, really, you are what you are, and you are, among other things, smart. You don't even have to use that smart. You don't even have to do great things or be first place in anything if you really don't give a damn about competition and just want to chill. But don't lie to yourself, you're capable of doing a lot of things. It's safer to believe you are a failure because if you were talented you would start thinking about "all the things you could have done years ago". Which leads me to... 

5. You don't "win" at life. First, literally any teenager that does something relevant either has rich parents and a lot of free time or their parents are monsters who take them to violin competitions with 4 years old instead of letting them be kids. Fight me, you know I'm right. Life is a sandbox and some guys are born with premium accounts. They buy all the stuff to brag and then they'll tell you that's a success story and if you couldn't do that then you're a loser. That's bullshit. 

You set your own terms. What do you want to do with your life? It could be having an average job and gaming to have fun. You would eventually end the same way than Elon Musk, dead and decomposed. Is that what you really want tho? Maybe deep down you already know. 

You're strong and I really believe you can do a lot of stuff. Also trusting people can be hurtful and dangerous sometimes, but it's an investment, adult relationships are nothing like school (well, most times) and it's worth it. I'm just some random in the internet so you can tell me to f off. But at least go out there and do some stuff.

You really can do it. 

[[ES] Canción de blues & funk]

Hace tiempo que no se de ti @Jay V, ojalá estés bien! 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

It now looks like a foreshadowing, because I completely broke down crying for real on Tuesday night (last week was more like, a mild drunken sobbing you know). But, hear me out, it was actually a good thing. I felt so relieved after. 

I have been holding back crying since my puberty. At first intentionally since I used to cry a lot as a kid, then there was a point were I couldn't do it anymore. I would feel this painful void in my chest and nothing would come out. For years I felt I would eventually burst and literally die. I was reaching my limit. I've noticed, gender roles jokes and stereotypes aside, that I'm more sensitive to pretty much everything lately, and honestly I don't have a logical explanation for it (yet). So I knew it was finally bound to happen sooner than later. 

I was very late on a deadline for a voluntary assignment about civil administration during the francoist era (I actually liked the topic). I was supposed to study it, make a PowerPoint presentation and give a brief lecture in front of the class. Nothing big despite the dull material and not the first time I spoke in public either. But I had been delaying the PowerPoint thing because I kept procrastinating on my laptop until I decided to leave it at mom's home (last weekend). I don't have any more devices around at my reach aside from the smartphone (and it's a handful, in more ways than one) so even if I'm physically unable to relapse, I'm still heavily handicapped compared to my peers. I have to take notes by hand when the lectures are not adapted to that anymore, and rely on the painfully outdated library services. Worst thing is, I can't just work at home on a whim when I feel like it, I need to actually go out on a certain schedule and be very disciplined and plan ahead, unless I intend to rely forever on my boyfriend's supervision while using his laptop, and he made clear that would not be an option. Then of course I also gotta deal with dysphoria any time I think about going outside (formerly known as "being-outside-gives-me-anxiety-dunno-why-surely-I-must-be-a-loner" feeling). 

I also have a house and life to maintain so I kept myself busy that afternoon with several things (including making homemade sandwiches for dinner) until I borrowed the aforementioned laptop at around 10pm. At 10.30pm it was clear it wasn't worth it, also considering I was using open source and wasn't sure if it was compatible. Not to mention I haven't used PowerPoint since middle school. So fuck it, I said.

I came back to the living room and explained the situation but my bf was insisting that I should keep trying. I felt completely ashamed and guilty even if it wasn't his intention and decided to just leave and go to bed. Then I changed my mind and decided to give him a hug and apologize for... not sure what. I was probably thinking I was worthless for not being able to do everything right. Then it happened. I was at it for 20 minutes straight bawling and short of breath while my bf was hugging me and laughing nervously (it seems I make the same sound while crying than laughing, in hindsight it must be very unsettling).

But it felt so good to let things out. He was worried but I was feeling better and couldn't really explain why it happened, so I just calmed down, shaved and took a hot shower and slept great that night. I've been in a bright mood since. Bf has been acting a bit down lately but he assured me it's coincidental. He also said he's been feeling more relaxed, since I'm apparently more focused (I haven't felt that much of a difference but not gonna complain!). Said sorry to the teacher the next day and asked for advice, she told me about student orientation services. They're understaffed but I'll give it a try. I'll also make use of the extra therapeutical support the university is offering me (coming from the LGBT+ section, great guys). I'm in a quite safe environment I think, also thanks to my choice of studies being quite progressive-leaning. It took me a while to arrive here, but I'll do my best to enjoy it to the fullest and make something useful for my life.

 

Things to improve; find and commit to relaxing activities, learning to cook and start exercising. 

[Dear Diary...]

You're doing great, don't overexert, take care of yourself and get better soon! 🥰

[Hello World !]

Congrats on those 100 days! Quitting smoking is a challenge. We also had members with gambling problems, you can check for related topics in the main section. 

Welcome to the forum! 

[Concerned Mom]

Welcome! We have a parent support group active in Facebook (the link is in the main menu of the site). Here you can browse topics by category, including discussion about mental health, mostly from the perspective of gamers. Hope you can find something useful for you. 

Best wishes!