Mettermrck

Hi, Jess, welcome! It takes courage to put yourself out there on the forums with your story. Just so you know you're not alone!

Sounds great onlysoul. Nofap is a beast! I can take out the porn ok but no mo'ing gets me every 4-5 days it seems. But I keep trying. We'll encourage each other!

That's what I need to work on more...writing as a means of expressing myself. Not sure if that.means a project or a blog or what. Good to see you pursuing it, Tom!

Thanks, Tom2. I think things will be more stable for me once I know what happens with my marriage. It's hard to know how to act and think around my wife with all the stuff going on all this anxiety and uncertainty keeps cropping up. But whatever happens, at least there won't be any uncertainty.

Day 20/90. Also 25/25/1 soda porn fap. I did well most of the day. Went to churcn, exercised, kept busy with reading podcasts Duolingo and my project. Not too bad. About 2:30pm I got hammered by fap urges. I resisted for a bit but I got overwhelmed. I'm not too broken up about it. I had went 5 days and now I'll keep going. Later on my wife called and her brother was in the hospital. I was supportive but it was sad that I couldn't be fully affectionate and loving because of our separation. My friend says I did the best I could in the circumstances. She was also telling me about how well her job is going, partly as a way to cheer herself up and take her mind off her brother. I was upset with myself because I had feelings of jealousy and resentment that she's doing great and my career was setback. But that's silly! She's been through a lot, with much pain inflicted by my checking out of life. I need to be happy for her success no matter what. And my career was setback because of me, not anyone else. I have to remember that I am having success too. Maybe not in financial income yet but look at my days without soda gaming porn. My life is changing for the better. It takes time, sure, but I should be proud of that. So, needless to say, I battled this all night, slept poorly, and fapped some more. I'm thankful though that I'm awake for work on time and did some exercises this morning. I just need to keep pushing ahead no matter what.

Ah ok I listened to that one too. Good choice!

I'm glad to see you pushing ahead at work despite the initial difficulties. It's good to see you back posting.

What addiction podcast did you listen to?

I would like some cool night weather. It's muggy and hot here in South Carolina. Definitely something to be grateful for!

Just keep at it. Dust yourself off and keep moving forward. I relapsed many times and would drift away the forum often. You can learn from your struggles.

Thanks, onlysoul. Yes I get a lot of pleasure out of tightening my belt into a new loop or the other day when an old pair of smaller pants fit great now. I am almost to the weight I was at 6 years ago (about 290 lbs) and I have a whole wardrobe in my closet of shirts I refused to throw out and dreamed I would one day return to. I hope to be wearing them by the end of the year.

You've taken a great first step, Corvus. Don't beat yourself up. You were trapped in a world of numbing yourself. Now's your chance to step out and find who you really are. Take credit for getting here and taking these first steps.

Hi, Corvus! I was a big lover of RPGs, especially for the stories. I like to write as well and as I withdraw from games, I hope to express myself creatively just like you. Hope to see your thoughts in your journal!

Day 19/90. Also 24/24/5 soda/porn/fap. Thanks Tom! I like watching the numbers grow too. I did ok yesterday. I only got really anxious and frustrated once and that's when I went shopping with my Mom. I think its partly that it was hot and muggy out, I worry about how much my Mom spends, and we used to go out for lunch afterwards which we no longer do. But I think now I'm aware that this occurs weekly and can be on guard for it and maybe figure out other rewards or ways to get through it. The good news is I lost another 2.2 lbs this week and am down to 305.8. I would like to break 300 next month, that would be huge for me. But I can't get impatient...just keep doing what I am doing. One thing I have to watch out for is not letting the scale number define my self-worth for the whole week. I think I hang my hat on weight loss as my biggest change and my best achievement so far. But I know that even with any weight loss you'll have occasional weeks where your weight stays the same, even the occasional slight gain, especially when I go to the gym and add muscle. This is great but I can't make it my idol. Timewise, yesterday went smoothly. I did Duolingo and also spent a half hour on my history project as I wanted. The rest of the time, I rotated between reading, Cam's youtube videos, and podcasts. I also love the Stop Breathe Think app for meditation. I didn't feel that bored at all. I think as I work hard during the week, I appreciate quiet weekends more. And maybe I'm losing some of the bored withdrawal symptoms. I managed to sleep in bed all night long. The dog kept shifting so it wasn't the best sleep but at least I stayed off the couch.

I just pruned my podcasts too, from about 56 shows to maybe 42, getting rid of the mediocre ones that feel like a shore listening to. So I can relate!

Hah, I'm the last person to call anyone old. Now if you start talking about DOS and floppy disks, then yes I will call you old. ?

Hi Ashley! I still twitch every time I hear about a Steam sale. And I had an email yesterday from Steam saying I had another 17 cents in my wallet from selling another trading card. I wish I could give that money to my Mom's steam account. You should check out Cam's 60+ hobby ideas article for thoughts on how to spend your time and what kinds of activities to pick. In the beginning for me, it was more about filling the time with anything. But if you can push through the withdrawal symptoms, you'll become more purposeful towards how you're spending your time.

I see Study Checker in the Google Android app store. I d/led to look at it and it looks like your app and in English. I'm trying out different time management apps to organize my weekend free time especially.

Yes I have a big belly and I'm working on making it much smaller but I need to love myself even now as I'm going through the process. Time management is my big mission now and I'm trying some of the apps I've seen on the forums.

I wish you much strength, onlysoul? Or great strength? Haha my German is rusty. I took many years of it in college and one of my new replacement activities is Duolingo with German

I love rain too! I like taking naps and walking witn umbrella, just watching it. Good stuff.

That's what I want to.make sure of when I start going to the gym, that I take time to rest. I have a tendency to get impatient with my physical changes and weight loss that I'll overdo it and push hard every day and injure or wear myself out. Need to schedule rest now and then. As for carbs, I just use the MyFitnessPal app to track food and I use CICO - calories in, calories out. A lot of people on the loseit reddit use that and I find it's relaxing. I just eat whatever (no soda) and just keep it under my goal and add exercise.

Day 18/90. Also 23/23/4 soda porn fap. Yesterday wasn't too bad. I was contacted by the gym and will go there next week for an orientation, preferably early in the week so I can get started. I bought a bum pair of gym shorts and a tshirt yesterday. Nothing fancy, but it felt great doing something tangible. I've been asking people's advice about gym sessions. It seems to be centered around upper body/pushups 2x week, legs/abs 2x week, and the rest cardio and rest. I'm a complete gym noob so I'll ask more advice at orientation. I can't wait. I slept great last night. My dog was over for the weekend (usually stays with my wife) and I decided to try to sleep in bed. I stayed up later and took a couple melatonin and surprisingly I slept all the way through. I.don't know if it was because I slept poorly the night before or the melatonin, but I'm not complaining. Could also be I'm at nofap day 4 and pushing through that withdrawal. I watched one of Cam's videos yesterday on gaming after detox. Even though I'm only 1/5 of the way through, I really don't think I'm going back. If I had kept gaming, I would've never realized how socially isolated I was nor taken steps to change that. I wouldn't be working on myself so much, finding different activities, looking to better myself. I don't want to put that at risk when my 90 days is up. Gaming was a mask that I don't want to put back on. Btw Duolingo German is fun!. Ja

That's wonderful, Moe, a nice and exciting opportunity for you to demonstrate how far you've come in getting your life back on track.

Oh that is so true, a war against myself! That's how I feel.sometimes when I'm walking, like I'm trying to beat my body into submission.