taichi

Thank you for your insight. What I am finding out, the hard way, is that I don't give unconditional love. People have to be special and serve my interests loyally for me to love them. Thus my past relationships have been psychologically abusive ones, my current one also rapidly turning that way. Thankfully, or more like miraculously, my current girlfriend has objected to my abuse and is still willing to stay with me, as long as I seek professional help for my inner troubles.

Thank you for your kindness. The way I was brought up, I find it quite impossible to relate to a deity in an intimate, inward kind of way. I'm not even an atheist or agnostic, because nobody was religious in my childhood.

Welcome to the forums! Having an online journal has been really helpful for me. The users here are quite amazingly generous. Good luck on your gaming detox ?

I suppose a counsellor's job is to guide the process, and I do the actual work in changing my way of thinking. The least I can do is observe my inner brokenness everyday. This I can do right here. According to my former psychiatrist, my problem stems from a lack of core self-esteem, the sense that I will be loved no matter what I do. Ugh that sounds like a lie. Honestly, is that a real thing?

My withdrawal shittyness has subsided and now I've turned back into a passive-aggressive narcissist prick. I'm surprised I had forgotten about this problem in me, and I'm forcefully woken from the illusion that abstention is my cure-all. The only conceivable path to a healthy self is seeing a counsellor to work on my self-esteem issues. I'm feeling quite stressed and keyed-up about this all. Haven't really relaxed in the last few days.

Games are starting to feel distant and interesting. This now familiar feeling is clearly my brain's attempt at tripping me up again. Poor thing. This week's a holiday in Japan, so I went to see my grandparents, yesterday mother's side and today father's side. Both live about an hour and a half away from us, and it was a lot of travelling for my easily tired body. Must relax.

Now that my girlfriend has pointed out a lack of empathy in me, and everything she said rings true, I'm not sure where to put my last comment. I suppose I have the wrong idea of empathy. What I was concentrating on is more like making myself unaccountable, always on the right. And that's shit. Lacking empathy while feeling invisible is a very sorry state.

Stayed over at my girlfriend's family home. Made a curry for the family. I always start to feel exhausted and irritable after a few hours of being with my girlfriend, and I had always assumed I just wasn't kind enough to her. Now I am starting to see that this is my empathy-sickness, a recognition that came quite suddenly when I was cuddling her and I felt like my body had disappeared. I was denying myself of feeling, concentrating on how I could make her the most comfortable. The way I make conversation was also only a verbal version of that ghostly kindness. I need to know what I am feeling.

I had a thought about replacing the sword swinging with an image of doing something else that feels amazing, like maybe riding my dream bicycle. Not sure if that's a good idea. I would like to have this busy mind shut up entirely when idle.

That's beautiful. Thank you for that. Best of luck in your new healthy life ?

I've had this since high school, but my mind often slips into images of me brandishing a sword. The last few days this RPG flashback thing is very noticeable. I think I've always been the type to retreat into my own world, and my former psychiatrist suggested slight Autistic Spectrum Disorder in me. My love for repeating the same thing over and over again could be a useful thing, like how I've been making my family the same delicious chicken curry regularly. Hopefully I will find myself a happy place in this world, and the flashbacks will disappear in time.

I did the 100-day "no gaming - but do anything on the PC if it's not really gaming" last autumn. It started out very fun counting up the days until around the 30 mark, then I got bored of the process because it didn't mean anything more than number-counting. This quote is from my journal on day 53 of that strange streak. So my answer: No. I am not OK with spending 8 hours on YouTube. Never want to go back. Addiction is a brain disease, and the brain doesn't know if you are gaming or "not really gaming". It knows that rush of novelty/excitement and learns to crave it. The only way to regain brain health is to eliminate that rush entirely for 2~3 months, allowing the brain to re-balance without it.

Robotics and bioinformatics both seem like really exciting fields to work in. Hoping you find passion & happiness connecting with like-minded academics ? Keep smiling and take care!

I can't help feeling that the notion of necessary growth, if it means that your current self is never acceptable, is food for depression. (Well I guess I just don't like self-development content... ?) Your being happy, right now and here, matters immensely. Just your being alive is worth everything. Please actively look into ways to negotiate with your perfectionist personality --- if you feel like you have one. Opening up and letting myself be vulnerable to close family / friends helped a lot on my journey so far.

oh yeah the username ? Taichi is a common Japanese male name you see. I borrowed it from a reality TV show, where a "online gaming god" was interviewed under this same pseudonym. "Your Brain On Porn" the book by Gary Wilson is a good one if you're concerned about internet porn's effects on your life. It gives valuable knowledge about what addiction is, and how internet-related addictions are to be treated. Willpower is a limited resource, but some powerful knowledge can change you profoundly and permanently.

Are you a genius? I was doing that 0/12 for longer than 2 years. Hey I'm off games for 100 days woohoo!! (watches youtube 8 hrs a day) Makes me nauseous just looking back at my clueless & defensive state of depression. I'm glad for you, you're on the right track. Welcome and good luck ?

I made a point to be open to my college friends about my situation. No small talk, straight to the nitty gritty with "oh me? I'm working with a psychiatrist to overcome my problems." * Edit 14 May 2019: That's a half-lie by the way. I hadn't been anywhere near a psychiatrist since last October. Now I feel much closer to some of the people I talked with. I feel like I'm making friends at last.

Today marks 2 weeks of no gaming/youtube/sns/porn/masturbation. Doing very good.

I guess it's not really anxiety, it's just I don't feel close enough with them to be comfortable spending a night together. Anyways Chichibu is a nice place. Will try to focus on the being in the midst of great nature bit.

This weekend is a mini excursion to Chichibu with college 1st year friends. Feeling very anxious what the conversation will be like, me being the only one left in university.

Playing the guitar is a lot of fun lately. Great silly feeling running around the only scale I'm familiar with.

Stared at your tiger drawing for a good 10 minutes. The way it seems to materialise out of the darkness is uncanny. ?

Yesterday spent time outside with a dear friend, something that happened out of the blue. Today I feel my energy is all gone. Very thoroughly tired.

7-8 hours of sleep is so underrated ? Don't beat yourself up with shame or comparison with others, I think you are great.

Congratulations on the 90-day mark! Excessive self-criticism and basing your worth on approval from others is no fun. On the other hand, excessive self-praise and basing others' worth on your own approval is also no fun. In Gloria Steinem's book about self-esteem, "Revolution from Within", she explains the former problem as a mostly feminine one, and the latter as a mostly masculine one. Finding a middle ground where everyone can access their full circle of human capacities, she insists, is the basis for a truly democratic revolution. Really great read.