thehondasc00py

Yoooo Brad ma man your story with the approaches was hilarious, I can relate 1000%. I've done it a couple times too, I also get really anxious and want to back out so bad when I approach, but - and even if the convo feels super awkward - it feels fucking amazing afterwards, and I get this insane rush of energy and joy, and confidence. @giblets is right in that people just react based on strangers approaching them. Even when it feels like they could be judging you, or are wierded out, it's really just that they're not used to that happening. Society's relationship to communicating with strangers has gotten so skewed. People feel safe and secure hanging out with their buddies, or hanging on their smartphones but the thought of genuinely conversing with a stranger seems completely alien to them. By choosing to do that you are cutting yourself out from the norm, and that's always hard, because as a paleolithic social animal our very survival depended on fitting in and mimicking the the norm. I guess the next level would be to strike up genuine conversation without the fake questions that have you leave as soon as you get the answer, I've seen a guy on YouTube going around on the streets with basically just "Hey, I saw you and just felt like talking to you, I know no one usually does this and it's a bit wierd, but..." etc with fantastic results, the dude got a bunch of numbers But I've never tried this, just the thought scares me lol. But if you think about it, I would love it if someone just started talking to me, and I would respect and be inspired by this person. And I think most people would feel the same way, just that no one is used to that happening, and this thought is difficult to embody we don't truly believe it, ego sees danger and judgement everywhere, staying quiet always seems safest. Ofcourse when we do it and improve our social skills and grow more outgoing and confident, we are in a much better position to keep ourselves safe. It's classic Trick17. Joining an improv class sounds cool, I should look into that too as I feel I could deffo improve on that as well. Even though I feel I'm a pretty good conversationalist when I get going and find common ground, I still often find myself sitting in silence unsure of what to talk about, and I don't feel comfortable really letting loose and getting silly.

Let me just say that I resonate with this a lot. Skyrim was always the greatest offline game of all time for me, it was one of those games I would call an experience instead of just a game, and I definitely felt the same way about wanting to bust it out and dive back into it every now and then. And you can be certain that I was banking 100% on diving into Elder Scrolls 6 as soon as it releases, no questions asked. I sold my stuff anyway. And let me tell you, I really don't feel like playing it anymore. I've got great memories, and it's a beautiful game, sure, but the general game-free life as a whole still wins flat out easily. Hey, maybe some years down the road I'll give elder scrolls a spin, maybe not. But I already don't need or even want it anymore and I've still go so far to go. That's still a long time away though and there's so much to get done and so much to develop in the meantime. Those games aren't running away, your time on this Earth, however, is.

Day 30 "So many of our dreams at first seem impossible. Then they seem improbable. And then, when we summon the will, they become inevitable".-Christopher Reeve ^That quote gives me a mental boner^ Super early journal entry for me, but I needed it because I felt I was slipping. Woke up super groggy this morning, meditation was dreadful, and afterwards I just craved watching some Avatar so bad. Flooded with great memories, I just felt like it was ok to watch now. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm turning this into something bigger than it really is. I'm probably turning this into something bigger than it really is. My thought process was a) I've gotten over this week's fear, I'm confident I won't get expelled, thus there are no direct problems that need my attention and b) I've had a fucking hard week, which I absolutely mastered. Now it's behind me, it's the weekend, and I deserve a break. It makes sense, but I knew I need to come here, read my past entries on the topic, remind myself of the reasons for my decision, to really make an objective judgement. Reading Day 27 definetely changed my perspective again. Damn, that's quite a journal entry huh. So I stopped watching because it invokes Homeostasis (or rather, is a result of homeostasis manifesting), and it strokes and nurtures valuing Comfort instead of Growth and Work. I want to keep valuing the latter and not fall in to the former again. I'm being dramatic. I'll ride it out, see where life takes me. I need to continue to encourage myself to find safety in my path instead of in comforts and pleasure. If cravings are present, suffering is present. It means the present moment is not sufficient, not satisfying. Investigate that. Also, when in doubt, read over past journal entries. That's incredibly powerful. Infact, I have another 5 pages on paper from Day 27, I'll go over them now for good measure. And then go for my bloody run and cold shower, that never fails to clear my head up and shift my perspective. Probably also time to check out another podcast. Thank you @WorkInProgress, I will read the flinch. And thanks for tuning in to my journal. @SlackRamen, you're fired. Where is that fker anyway? Chilling in chilly Helsinki, or languishing in the depths of Relapseville? Hopefully our brother is in the former.

Day 29 I no longer fear the razor guarding my heel Great day today. Wrote a maths exam, went really well. Took care of some online stuff. Finally uploaded a new track, even though I'm not happy with it, fk it, finally created something again, that's what counts. This evening I went to see a counsellor from the evangelic organisation for students in my town. My reasons were a) talk to someone about my fears, express them b) get a second opinion, this guy is in connection with the Uni, see what he thinks. I'm so glad I went. On the train there I had a fantastic spiritual, almost psychedelic like experience. The sun shone into my eyes while I listened to beautiful classical music, colours intensified and it felt really romantic, in a dreamlike way, it reminded me of that scene where the girl is in the train from Miyazaki's Spirited Away. My sense of self partially dissolved, depersonalized, freeing me up, all the worries drifted away. That state is so amazing. It reminds me of how constricted and trapping and unpleasant being an Ego really is. The counsellor, actually he was a priest I think, was a great listener, and he thought it extremely unlikely I would get expelled if I was caught, and also that if that were to happen, he would contact the Uni and try to help me. I'm very grateful to him for saying that The past days I was already calming down from the paranoia so much so that I hesitated about going to him today for one moment, but what he said was the final nail on the coffin (a good coffin). I'm sure it will be fine now. After the meeting, I saw there was a weekly chess club session on right there in the same building. So I just walked in and joined in. A nice guy played me and taught me a lot of stuff. I'm a complete novice at chess, but it's the perfect replacement for gaming. Competitive, fully strategic and skill based, research and learning required to progress, and tangible, measureable progress, skill, and confidence in your game increase. He told me about researching different tactics, playing computers, using an app, etc and it felt a lot like how one would go about improving at say League, with working at different components of the game, researching etc and then putting it all into practice. I eventually came home, and had a fantastic phone call with my Mum. We've had a lot of issues over the past, and just last weekend when my parents came over to help, I was an ungrateful dick. But we sorted it out, I love her and appreciate her very much, just sometimes I forget it. And then just for good measure, after eating my supper (have I ever mentioned that I'm an amazing cook?) I went out to the student bar to socialize. Had a great time there too. I'm proud of myself that I can go out at night and stay sober, but still have fun and socialize really well. Definetely not everyone can. I'm also proud of myself for going to see that counsellor. Missing the train called Me Rays of light shine through, it's all a dream, is it true? no me and no you

Day 29 Quote: "The fear of other mind's is humanity's most common phobia" - my boy Frank Yang New track: https://soundcloud.com/simon-wagner-29/iroh

And I've completely forgotten about music production. Listening to this music reminds me. I said I would put it on the backburner while I adapted and made my habits rockfast. But I think it would be great for me now, I need that expression. Goal for tomorrow: produce something. PS Ive also looked into getting counselling. Sent one guy and email today (even tried phoning but no answer so email. might contact a couple more. theres so many therapists in this town, how do i choose?? i especially want to talk about the uni - expulsion thing i'm so terrified about. ) Also i knocked on that girls door again and spoke to her. easy. even met another girl in the hallway and chatted with her for quite a while.

Day 27 Jesus, I just got off an emotional rollercoaster with 10 loops. I'm sitting next to 5+ pages of furiously journalled on paper. I've reflected and visualized, and worked through a lot of fear. Yup, I really felt it hit hard again this evening. Here's what's happened. Yesterday I got high and decided to restart watching my all time favorite show "Avatar: The Last Airbender" with which I have some extremely sensitive, nostalgic, warm memories. I've seen it twice, so in a ritualistic manner I had been banking on seeing it again soon the next months, with my new life, new me, etc. It seems strange but I kind of included this in my daily visualizations like half a year ago. "What my life will look like in a year; confident, happy, working on myself, successful at uni, popular, and chills out in the evening with a j watching Avatar", that was like my dream. Yesterday, I turned it into reality. It didn't go quite as I expected. It started out great, but wait, what's that slowly, subtly creeping up on me? h e l l o d a r k n e s s m y o l d f r i e n d Dissonance. Dread. I knew I shouldn't be doing this. What's wrong? Wasn't this part of my Vision? Ah, but it's still Distraction, that's the sad truth. And a very sneaky one at that. I realized, I can't on the one hand be this great, happy, confident, hard-working person while at the same time smoking weed and watching Avatar. Those are two lifestyles and two philosophies that collide and contradict on fucking principle. It's one or the other. I have problems at the moment. I'm fucking scared. And I'm seriously lonely. I go deep, I sit in solitude, I investigate, and I discover suffering. I get conscious and all the suffering underneath reveals itself. I have a problem in this life, I finally accepted that on Monday, and it required my full attention. I can't be the man I visualised while simultaneously closing up, turning away and distracting myself with entertainment at the same time. No, that would be acting inconsistently. Inconsistently with what life has taught me so far: A)Walking this path is the only thing that works andB)Seeking comfort and pleasant experiences, no matter how beautiful and innocent they seem (Avatar, you divine masterpiece of a story), always leads to suffering and is unsustainable. Cycle repeats.C) Freedom is possible if I continually work at it without repeatedly getting distractedActing consistently means acting like I have in the past 3 weeks. And they have been amazing. When I discovered GameQuitters, and TheXEffect right after, and got into this stuff again, when I experienced that HUGE shift on my bike in the sun, I believe it might have been on my second journal entry, day 4. That shift propelled me onto a new path, I discovered happiness and freedom I had never imagined, and since then I was KILLING IT. I was getting shit done left and right, I was keeping up my fucking habits without fail and it was so damn empowering, I felt a new level of confidence, I felt unstoppable. I was finally breaking through. My life was FINALLY changing to what I had always wanted it to be. Free, empowered, purposeful. I need to keep this up. Homeostasis started kicking in, why? Because I've never gone further than this before. It's scary, it's unknown, it's unprecedented. To have gone this long consistently crushing it, being motivated, working...to have gone this long without entertainment.. It seemed wrong. Like this isn't how life is. Like I need entertainment in my life, what the hell? That's how it's always been! There's always been entertainment? Yeah often it wasn't ideal and lead to suffering, but it was safe! Familiar! And besides, everyone else is doing it! That's why homeostasis subtly starts pulling me back in. Distract, entertain, it's ok, it's normal. Can't be working all the time, right? I got tricked. In Uni today, I felt amazing.. Troubles gone, socializing easily, made two new friends, one is also from South Africa, one is really open about talking about reall stuff, it was great. The fear wasn't there. Instead, the good feelings of Avatar were. "Hey look, I'm fine afterall. Hey, I'll be through Avatar this weekend already anyway, let's just do it, allow myself this treat, experience all those amazing feelings again.." And even now just writing this out again, I feel that way a bit again..I understand it, even feel like agreeing with it. But anyway I restored the files, smoked, and started watching again. Same thing happens. Starts fine. I laugh, I smile, I feel Love. Next thing I know I'm looking at the mess on my desk. Banana peels from snacking bananas. Dirty cutlery, my plate. Kitchen is a mess. Unopened post lying on the surface. I got swindled. Crack, the illusion shatters. I started valuing comfort again. The past 3 weeks, I dropped that fucking need for comfort, and instead I valued Growth, and Work, and Truth. And it was so amazing. And here was Comfort as a Value again. That feeling of "ok, so I'm high. cram as much avatar into that window to enjoy it at max. Ok, so i'm high and I'm watching Avatar. cram as much nice food into that window to enjoy it at max..." and that's how it goes, it's crazy. And next thing you know your desk is a mess, your belly is bloated, and you can no longer ignore the fear and the dissonance that's been building up, and you're left with "Oh, now I remember. This is what happens." So, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on you, fool me thrice shame on me. Not gonna let the thrice happen. I deleted the files+cleared recycle bin this time. I've got issues at the moment and homeostasis is activating at the moments, so I've got to be on the fucking double for this one. Fully aware, and trading carefully. I'm missing safety. I just lost the safety of my childhood home and village, my parents, and now I even feel like the new safety my being in Uni and having this nice apartment offers is shaky and at risk. Shit. So I realized the only thing that can really give me lasting, rocksolid safety whereever I go, is this Path. My routine, my efforts to grow, to learn, my habits, finding truth. That's whats needs to be my safety, what grounds me, what I can hold on for support. When I run, I feel confident. When I meditate, I feel confident. When I read and reflect, I feel confident. When I get shit done, I feel confident. Following this is so obviously right, it gives me confidence, and a degree of security. I don't want to let it go again. Not impermanent comforts and pleasurable experiences, but this. Even if it reveals pain and suffering. I think I better start wrapping up here. I think I got most of what I experienced clarified and structured. I know that tomorrow, I might well feel fine in Uni again. But I do have issues, and tons of stuff that still needs working through, and walking through. Maybe the hardest times ever are still ahead. Underneath it all, I'm still scared. At what the future could hold, how I may not have control over it, at not knowing what will happen. I dread the things I might have to go through. Typing this out already gives rise to negative visions in my mind's eye. Ayy atleast I still appear to have my brilliant humour. Just cracked out the funniest jokes to the south african I met yesterday on whatsapp, while simultaneously being in probably the most tumultous and maybe difficult part of my life so far. That's funny. I guess how I act and appear outwardly in Uni - cheerful, confident, outgoing - sometimes completely betrays what my life is really like on the inside. I guess that goes for us all to an extent. We're all just acting to some degree. And yet, I can't help but feel that the cheerful, confident Me is truelly who I really am without all the bullshit and fear. I'll wrap it up here. Christ, I probably sound like a mess. But writing this journal feels so good. I can go wild and just express. Listening to the most beautiful beats while writing this, and now I feel fantastic, and the fear further lessened. Excited to see what tomorrow brings. love is realer than suffering

Day 27 Jesus, I just got off an emotional rollercoaster with 10 loops. I'm sitting next to 5+ pages of furiously journalled on paper. I've reflected and visualized, and worked through a lot of fear. Yup, I really felt it hit hard again this evening. Here's what's happened. Yesterday I got high and decided to restart watching my all time favorite show "Avatar: The Last Airbender" with which I have some extremely sensitive, nostalgic, warm memories. I've seen it twice, so in a ritualistic manner I had been banking on seeing it again soon the next months, with my new life, new me, etc. It seems strange but I kind of included this in my daily visualizations like half a year ago. "What my life will look like in a year; confident, happy, working on myself, successful at uni, popular, and chills out in the evening with a j watching Avatar", that was like my dream. Yesterday, I turned it into reality. It didn't go quite as I expected. It started out great, but wait, what's that slowly, subtly creeping up on me? h e l l o d a r k n e s s m y o l d f r i e n d Dissonance. Dread. I knew I shouldn't be doing this. What's wrong? Wasn't this part of my Vision? Ah, but it's still Distraction, that's the sad truth. And a very sneaky one at that. I realized, I can't on the one hand be this great, happy, confident, hard-working person while at the same time smoking weed and watching Avatar. Those are two lifestyles and two philosophies that collide and contradict on fucking principle. It's one or the other. I have problems at the moment. I'm fucking scared. And I'm seriously lonely. I go deep, I sit in solitude, I investigate, and I discover suffering. I get conscious and all the suffering underneath reveals itself. I have a problem in this life, I finally accepted that on Monday, and it required my full attention. I can't be the man I visualised while simultaneously closing up, turning away and distracting myself with entertainment at the same time. No, that would be acting inconsistently. Inconsistently with what life has taught me so far: A)Walking this path is the only thing that works andB)Seeking comfort and pleasant experiences, no matter how beautiful and innocent they seem (Avatar, you divine masterpiece of a story), always leads to suffering and is unsustainable. Cycle repeats.C) Freedom is possible if I continually work at it without repeatedly getting distractedActing consistently means acting like I have in the past 3 weeks. And they have been amazing. When I discovered GameQuitters, and TheXEffect right after, and got into this stuff again, when I experienced that HUGE shift on my bike in the sun, I believe it might have been on my second journal entry, day 4. That shift propelled me onto a new path, I discovered happiness and freedom I had never imagined, and since then I was KILLING IT. I was getting shit done left and right, I was keeping up my fucking habits without fail and it was so damn empowering, I felt a new level of confidence, I felt unstoppable. I was finally breaking through. My life was FINALLY changing to what I had always wanted it to be. Free, empowered, purposeful. I need to keep this up. Homeostasis started kicking in, why? Because I've never gone further than this before. It's scary, it's unknown, it's unprecedented. To have gone this long consistently crushing it, being motivated, working...to have gone this long without entertainment.. It seemed wrong. Like this isn't how life is. Like I need entertainment in my life, what the hell? That's how it's always been! There's always been entertainment? Yeah often it wasn't ideal and lead to suffering, but it was safe! Familiar! And besides, everyone else is doing it! That's why homeostasis subtly starts pulling me back in. Distract, entertain, it's ok, it's normal. Can't be working all the time, right? I got tricked. In Uni today, I felt amazing.. Troubles gone, socializing easily, made two new friends, one is also from South Africa, one is really open about talking about reall stuff, it was great. The fear wasn't there. Instead, the good feelings of Avatar were. "Hey look, I'm fine afterall. Hey, I'll be through Avatar this weekend already anyway, let's just do it, allow myself this treat, experience all those amazing feelings again.." And even now just writing this out again, I feel that way a bit again..I understand it, even feel like agreeing with it. But anyway I restored the files, smoked, and started watching again. Same thing happens. Starts fine. I laugh, I smile, I feel Love. Next thing I know I'm looking at the mess on my desk. Banana peels from snacking bananas. Dirty cutlery, my plate. Kitchen is a mess. Unopened post lying on the surface. I got swindled. Crack, the illusion shatters. I started valuing comfort again. The past 3 weeks, I dropped that fucking need for comfort, and instead I valued Growth, and Work, and Truth. And it was so amazing. And here was Comfort as a Value again. That feeling of "ok, so I'm high. cram as much avatar into that window to enjoy it at max. Ok, so i'm high and I'm watching Avatar. cram as much nice food into that window to enjoy it at max..." and that's how it goes, it's crazy. And next thing you know your desk is a mess, your belly is bloated, and you can no longer ignore the fear and the dissonance that's been building up, and you're left with "Oh, now I remember. This is what happens." So, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on you, fool me thrice shame on me. Not gonna let the thrice happen. I deleted the files+cleared recycle bin this time. I've got issues at the moment and homeostasis is activating at the moments, so I've got to be on the fucking double for this one. Fully aware, and trading carefully. I'm missing safety. I just lost the safety of my childhood home and village, my parents, and now I even feel like the new safety my being in Uni and having this nice apartment offers is shaky and at risk. Shit. So I realized the only thing that can really give me lasting, rocksolid safety whereever I go, is this Path. My routine, my efforts to grow, to learn, my habits, finding truth. That's whats needs to be my safety, what grounds me, what I can hold on for support. When I run, I feel confident. When I meditate, I feel confident. When I read and reflect, I feel confident. When I get shit done, I feel confident. Following this is so obviously right, it gives me confidence, and a degree of security. I don't want to let it go again. Not impermanent comforts and pleasurable experiences, but this. Even if it reveals pain and suffering. I think I better start wrapping up here. I think I got most of what I experienced clarified and structured. I know that tomorrow, I might well feel fine in Uni again. But I do have issues, and tons of stuff that still needs working through, and walking through. Maybe the hardest times ever are still ahead. Underneath it all, I'm still scared. At what the future could hold, how I may not have control over it, at not knowing what will happen. I dread the things I might have to go through. Typing this out already gives rise to negative visions in my mind's eye. Ayy atleast I still appear to have my brilliant humour. Just cracked out the funniest jokes to the south african I met yesterday on whatsapp, while simultaneously being in probably the most tumultous and maybe difficult part of my life so far. That's funny. I guess how I act and appear outwardly in Uni - cheerful, confident, outgoing - sometimes completely betrays what my life is really like on the inside. I guess that goes for us all to an extent. We're all just acting to some degree. And yet, I can't help but feel that the cheerful, confident Me is truelly who I really am without all the bullshit and fear. I'll wrap it up here. Christ, I probably sound like a mess. But writing this journal feels so good. I can go wild and just express. Listening to the most beautiful beats while writing this, and now I feel fantastic, and the fear further lessened. Excited to see what tomorrow brings. love is realer than suffering

Also, one more thing I want on the record. The guy who lived here before me sold his washing machine to a girl who lives in the same house 2 floors up, he suggested I talk to her about sharing it, gave me her number. Instead of lazily Whatsapping her, I decided to go up and knock and introduce myself. I got anxiety as I approached the door, stalled, calmed myself down a bit going over my 2 formulas for Fear, and eventually just went for it and knocked. Bummer, she wasn't home, but I did it and I'll do it again later or tomorrow.

By the way if you're interested in meditation read the book I mentioned, I've been researching meditation for 2 years now but this book is by far the best, deepest and most engaging work. Shinzen, if you watch some youtube videos of his retreats, is a friendly, smart, warm and genuine guy who's been hardcore Zen meditating for most of his life plus has a Maths degree. His book gets pretty wild toward the end but in a "whoah, is this true? ive gotta go and see what this is all about for myself", motivating kind of way.

Day 25 Still anxious af. This means a lot to me. But I've been accepting fear. In his book The Science of Enlightenment, meditation teacher Shinzen Young describes the process of switching from the usual coping mechanism - tighten up and turn away - to the much more effective one - open up and turn towards - in addition to this, a constant purification of the Self and what buddhists would call karmic seeds, or simply adopted behaviour patterns, by constantly pouring a) concentration, b) sensory clarity and c) equanimity on whatever arises in experience. Sensory clarity is the ability to break down, and clarify the bundled mesh of experience into it's separate components, and equanimity is the ability to mindfully observe them without craving or aversion. What I love about Shinzen is his way of breaking down spiritual concepts into mathematical formulas or equations. Eg "Suffering=Resistance x Pain. Pain may lead to suffering, but it is multiplied by how much you resist it. If you have absolutely no resistance, there is only pain, but no more suffering. Lets do something similar with Fear: In the case I'm having right now I might define my fear as: Fear=Chance of bad thing happening x Magnitude of bad thing The chance of my getting expelled for piracy is, I should think, pretty small. But if it were to happen, the magnitude of how it would impact my life is huge. Thus, although the chance may be something like (torrenting got caught=20% x uni expells me for it=25%==5%), the Magnitude is 10 000 Bad units, so 0.05 x 10 000 Bad = 500 Fear units, still pretty big. Another way to think of Fear: Fear (emotion)=(feeling in the body)+mental images+mental talk or, broken up even further (feeling1+feeling2+feeling3..)+mental images+mental talk The more you focus (concentrate) on the experience, you more you can break it up into smaller and smaller components, making them easier and easier to deal with, and greet with equanimity, which in turns purifies Self. Perhaps Consciousness=(concentration x clarity x equanimity) / 1 with concentration, clarity and equanimity being factors defined between 0 and 1. They start low, like 0.01, and the closer they get to1, the more developed consciousness is, with 1/1 being Whole, or Enlightened. This is mindfulness, mathematical edition. This might be a but simpflified, but the whole point is reducing and abstracting the ultra complex web of human experience into smaller, more manageable components. And coming up with these formulas has been fun, and helpful.

Hi Raven, do you meditate?

Continuation Day 24 Vulnerable, heavy entry inc. I'm really fucking scared right now. I smoked some mj so maybe I'm just being paranoid, but basically, my music production software somehow got deleted. So I tried installing it again over campus WiFi. I had to torrent it a few times. I'm logged into Campus so I'm trackable, usually I use a VPN for this. When I turned off my stuff I realized my VPN hadn't been on. Didn't think that much of it until this evening, where I started getting all these visions and freaking out..If a copyright troll busted me torrenting the software, contacted Campus, charged me a hefty fee, or much much worse, Campus expelled me...how much I would then disappoint my parents who had worked so hard to get me here, spent a weekend helping me set up this awesome new place, the luck in finding such a perfect course, the only one in English across Germany, losing this cool Uni, and the new friends I had met, missing out all the things I had built up in my Vision the past 2 years, my life being completely fucking ripped to pieces...I visualised all these worst case, terrible scenarios, going deeper and crazier with each one and got super freaked out. That's when I realized a few things. Spiritually, I'm practically still a babe. I have so much ego, and so much on the line. My happiness is still so conditional. My happy emotions so fragile and ephemeral. I feel like I have acquired this awesome situation of a life to be in, but I could lose it all, and it would destroy me. ME, ego. I realized I have SO INCREDIBLY much to be grateful for. I don't HAVE to have found this great Uni and course, I don't HAVE to have found and set up this great apartment to live in. I don't HAVE to have money, and easy food available. I could have nothing, and be starving. I don't HAVE to have a healthy body, I could be sick and dying, or disabled. I don't HAVE to have this easy, priviledged life, I could be living in hell. I don't HAVE to have parents who love me no matter what and are always there for me, my parents could be dead. I don't HAVE to be alive, I could be dead. As I went over these things, I felt my awareness ripped in two by the opposing forces of FEAR and GRATITUDE. Neither has won yet. I'm grateful to be here but I'm fucking scared of losing it. It seems to be some kind of primordial fear, that doesn't show up in daily life, but can arise when triggered or going deep. Shit, I just know that if I go clean on this, I don't get fined or atleast I don't get expelled, I COMMIT to feeling fucking grateful about that. And I COMMIT to giving it my very all, everything, to make it work, to earn it, to make the most out of it, make myself and my parents proud, everything. (DETERMINATION has entered the game, now a mexican stand-off) Fear is still there and well, though.

Day 23 Havn't journalled the past few days. Why? Cause I finally moved in to my new apartment and it has no WiFi. And it's gonna stay that way. I'm giving myself 2GB Data/Month for important stuff, not enough for streaming or gaming. When I'm there, I'll have to spend my time productively or creatively. My parents who drove up to help and I have been really busy setting it all up. And I can say now, it looks AMAZING. Yeah but earliest appointment is only in january Nice, that's quote material

Lmao Look, in my opinion, you should just focus on the gaming detox first, don't try to do everything at once because ego backlash will be stronger. Really really strong. I'm gonna be honest here. In the next 90 days, you're probably gonna browse the internet at some point. Youre gonna watch something at some point. So what? Youre detoxing from gaming and getting your life together. Allow a certain degree of entertainment to fall back on when youre acting unconsciously. As long as you don't game, it's a win. If you lapse on the first fucking day then that should be enough to focus on. Think about it bro

Wow that Bill Gates quote is also fantastic. So true. Btw I downloaded Momentum and its great. Do you use any other Chroe extensions, eg for blocking/whitelisting sites?

Day 19 Yo I'm not really feelin the inspiration atm so unsure of what to write. Routine still going strong, I guess, but my meditation has become utter shit. So much monkey mind, so many thoughts and fantasies. When I started up again it was great but now having readded a social life to my life, meditation has really taken a toll, with all the going over past conversations, fantasizing about future ones, etc. I visited that tat studio yesterday which was a Win for me because I was a bit anxious about going. I met some more Uni people yesterday. I'm in a strange place socially. When it comes to just normal conversation, joking around, introducing myself, etc I'm really good at that and super confident. But I'm not really good at bringing things past that. I have yet to make a friend, and especially around dating with girls (and god forbid, sex) I always face a massive wall of resistance. It's funny, I go around meeting loads of people, act really cool and confident around them, make them all laugh and like me, and then I'm scared to do anything else that could risk my nice, perfect built up image. Lol, I'm literally laughing at the absurdity right now. I build up my own prison. Will require further honest contemplation and reflection. Quite a lot on my plate. Ah, it's times like these where I dip into a bit of melodrama that a new aspect of me emerges, one that remembers to not take life so seriously, just have a laugh at it all and have fun. Just see where it takes me. Ayyy Here's the power of journaling. My very first sentence was "not feeling inspired, unsure what to write" which was then followed by a very inspired, deep reflection that just emerged and manifested into words. Lol, proved myself wrong. Yo dude, what is up? Nothing much, I just reply, drowning in my cup Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Better not relapse! I'll kick your ass ;0 Seriously tho it sounds like youre doing fine just take it slow when youre feeling the burnout. Whats your diet like?

Hello and welcome to the Journey. What's your game plan from keeping yourself from surfing the internet or watching TV when you're feeling tired and unmotivated? Do you have a framework in place for such an eventuality?

I've been following along with the stress package from Headspace. While I don't necessarily think guided meditations are any better or worse than just being mindful, what I do appreciate is having a mentor and a guide who I can learn things I otherwise may have never discovered from. The visualisation he gets you to do in this case is to image liquid sunlight flowing into you and slowly filling your body. You imagine the liquid to have a spacious, relaxing and warm quality. Eventually it fills you all up and you sit with the feeling. It was strange at first, but I'm honestly starting to feel this profound spaciousness, as if the boundaries of my skin cease to exist. Granted it's only for a few seconds at a time before I lose it, but it's pretty cool. Ahh yeah I'm familiar with this technique. Cool, if it's working keep doing it. Yup. I strongly believe self-integrity is the highest virtue. My word needs to be iron. I want to be someone that, when they say they do something, they do it. I'll show up and get that shit done when others can't. "Damn, we got this problem that really needs to get done by x. Whoever could we call?""Call him, Sir. Call Hondasc00py. They call him the problem solver." That's who I want to be. Furthermore, my word with myself needs to be iron. This is a game with consequences, every time I break my word and chicken out of something I said I would do, I lose a little self-worth, my word weakens.

China's awesome I went on holiday once but really want to go back and explore the countryside

You listen to this on repeat

Yo I want my own personal robot that follows me around all day reminding me of game quittin and goal gettin

These slumps and losses of focus and motivation happen. It's ego backlash. I hope you managed to break the negative momentum and grew stronger from it. If youre battling with chocolate cravings, I highly recommend you check out the ketogenic diet. I battled with overeating and chocolate but the diet completely fixed any cravings I had from day 1.

I think so too