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thehondasc00py
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Another field report.
22.02 My best night yet, and yet also the most disappointing.
Wow. Started off at a University Club part. I approached everything. Boom boom, no rests, just launched into every set. Had tons of fun. Drank a bit too. Eventually we bounced at midnight and headed to a club. Started in the club a little out of state and stifled. But I'm used to this by now and knew I just had to approach a couple and I would be back in business. I do, nothing sticks. Get blown out, nothing works, nothing smooth. Ok, ok, no biggie, just an unfortunate streak, keep going at it. See a girl alone on a bench in the top area. Cool, straight in. Here starts the longest, coolest, most fun, most successful set of my life. Just proves: NEVER stop approaching. You never know, that next random woman could be the perfect match and just WORK. You never know.
Anyway, I am on fire. No, actually there's no more me. Flow state, it happens on it's own. My verbal is absolutely godlike. The perfect thing to say just comes ad infinitum. The convo is so much fun. Escalate in a fun way while knowing I don't "have" to do anything other than what I just feel like doing. Girl is into me as hell, every word I utter cracks her up. We eventually bounce, head down. My mates meet me there, say we are leaving. I kiss my girl goodbye but afterwards convince them to stay. Approach some more, get on the dancefloor, self-amuse, go back. See my girl, tease her, bring her away, we escalate. Dance together and make out. Keep vibing between makeouts, smooth as a motherfucker.
I realise now, even though I have very little experience, shit, I was smooth. The way I danced with her. The way I pulled her in to make out. The way I stopped making out early and had her chase. All that stuff, everything, was ON POINT. Now, here's the cracker. She starts talking logistics. Where do I live, where does she live. Yup, she wants to go home with me. What do I do? Well, I could just go with her. Could have been easy. So easy. Any more experienced guy than me would have done it blindfolded at that point. But I chickened out, like a pussy. Pussied out, ya. See, I liked her too much and was not willing to "risk" fucking up, "risk" bad sex, "risk" failure, awkwardness or disappointment. Lawl. Same old story. Hah, what a laugh. Oh, it doesn't even end here. My friends come and say they're really leaving now but urge me to stay and pull her. I have no more internet on my phone to call an Uber and get home alone. It's true, but it's still just a fucking excuse. I go out to leave with them. Again, they urge me to go back in and pull. Good peeps. I admit to them I'm scared of one-night stands, but eventually relent, say bye, and head back to the club while they catch the Uber.
Unfortunately, my girl is with her male friend waiting for their Uber infront of the club. I awkwardly reapproach and say I'm still waiting for MY uber. We vibe, their Uber comes, they get in, and drive off, I'm left on the street alone, disappointed and relieved. Lol, it gets worse, now the club isnt letting anyone in anymore even though I have the brand. I approach some more on the street but I'm tired af. Some guy thinks I'm gay and squeezes my butt a few time. I call him out and shit gets awkward fast. I stroll the streets, hit up a second club. Inside, too tired and stifled to approach. Fuck. Get back out, approach on the street, walk with a group to McDonalds, chat with them. They leave. Left in McD with no internet or way to get home. Forced to approach some guys and ask if they can open a WiFi hotspot. They are very friendly and do. Get an Uber home, but we need to stop on the way so I can get cash, because yeah, had no cash on me either. Eventually get back home and now I have to climb over the dangerous, anti-invader spiked wall without cutting open my arms, and then throw stones at my (drunk and passed out) mate's window until he wakes up with a scare and grumpily opens up for me. Probably mroe pissed and disappinted at my lack of pull than I am.
So yah. What a fantastic night, what a shitty night. I love myself and I hate myself, at the same fucking time. Why is this shit so hard. Why do I still care so much. Why can't I just do it. What;s the big deal. What IS the big deal?? Why can't I just assume I'll "succeed" or at the very least give myself and the girl a pretty good time? (Until then I had been giving her a fucking awesome time. Seriously, I'm awesome).
Well, I did something, I learnt, I practiced, and I pushed this shit a little further than I ever have. This shit starts with a slow crawl but gets exponential, after all. I mean, in the last like 2 weeks I've had more makeouts than in the whole past like two years or so, and it will only get better and more natural from here. Now just to break through the resistance and pain of pulling, Sacrifice, yah.
What I did very well:
- fun, self-amused, approached hella alot
- integrated physicality, intent and sexuality
- escalated and went for makeout without any fuss or care, was very fun
What I did not do well:
- took no action or initiative to pull. too scared to risk or fuck it up. fallacious, because I will never "not" fuck it up until I practice that shi
What I will do next time
- shit. I don't know, maybe try a faster makeout. insta-makeout on the dancefloor or something
- p-p-p-p-pull. urgh, scares me. dont know if i can hold up on this. FUCK.
- pull. atleast some more initiative than today. TRY and go with her, or invite her back. TRY to make something happen. Trial and error bru, just TRY something for fucks sake.
Ayy bru that's all. Btw PSA I think I might be the greatest conversationalist to have ever lived and I'm super duper fucking funny and cool but damn
I need to grow some balls
Lol
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It could.
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Writing from Cape Town. So, I completed my 30 Day Media detox a week or so ago. I celebrated by watching a bunch of movies ofc :D. It was cool. Quite a feat in today's media society I think. I'm proud.
Went to Cape Town. Last few days have been a little weird and stressful. Bouts of insecurity about a few things. Much better today. I'm social and uninhibited af. But it was weird because I kept swinging from self-conscious and insecure to uninhibited, in state alpha. I think I've stabilized now. Went out with my 2nd cousin here on Monday and apparantly what I do in the club (chatting up all the hottest girls) looks like a superpower to him. Too bad I don't do anything with it, just make everyone like me, pocket the validation and bounce before risking my image. Lawl. Ima start putting my ass on the line now. Polarize and risk it. Lead more. Tonight we're going out again, to this university club party and then town. Showtime.
One thing that was giving me anxiety the past days was my dilemma in choosing between attending the 10-day meditation retreat I had signed up for outside of Cape Town, or staying in Cape Town, taking it easy, enjoying the beautiful city and doing Game. I ended up picking the latter. It was a tough decision. Retreat means working towards enlightenment, which is kinda a "higher order" than being good with girls, but argh. I can meditate my ass off when I'm back in Germany. I love it here, I want to make use of it. And last time I did a retreat, I was pretty introverted and in my head when I got back out, which would mess with my Game. I would rather just go all out on Game now without that awkward potential setback inbetween. But I said I would atleast meditate about 2 hours a day while here for some progress in that area too, and then go out to Game.
Lol yesterday I found a keto/banting ice cream parlor, had some, sat down and chatted with 2 models. Literally, two smoking models from SA and New York, respectively. It was purely platonic tho lol. But it's weird, one day I can feel super insecure, then the next moment just launch myself into set, a button switches on and the Game just games itself. It's cool. But somehow all this validation seems dangerous. I do not want to get complacent in my little comfort zone of fun conversation and free socialisation. "I'm not here to be liked, I'm here to fk." is the mindset worth inceptionalising. And radical acceptance of impermanence and ever-shifting experience and emotions like some river, that's half the fun.
I've been pretty sick too but it's retreating, should be gone by tomorrow. Basically I almost died on the airplane. My ears had been all blocked since last thursday, up on the plane they suddenly started really hurting and acting up. Thought shit. Started watching the movie 127 Hours. Damn. I've become pretty fucking acceptant of Death itself, but the thought of ending up like that, alone, messed up, trapped, insane, starving to death, that notion scared me. Anyway so I get to the scene where he starts cutting off his own arm with a blunt utility knife in gory detail, and my body goes MAD. Some kind of violent reaction occurs from that and me being sick, and stressed out. I get these fluctuating hot-cold vibrations all over my body and I'm certain I will vomit. I'm in the middle of the row between 2 other passengers. Lol. I lie back and let the suffering and fear wash over me. I don't vomit but I consider dying. It was bizarre, Eventually it passes and I'm left with an absolutely euphoric body high. WTF?
I've been thinking of watching a movie but meditating would be more useful. Have not watched a movie yet. Might implement a light little media detox or whatever to keep me on track. Sometimes I start wtahcing a movie and then I'm like nahhh, theres nothing I really feel like watching.
I'm staying at my 2nd cousin atm but I want to bounce and find a new CouchSurfing host closer to the city come Sunday-Tuesday, then hit up the neighboring student town Stellenbosch on Wednesday and continue the party over there with my 1st cousin and second 2nd cousin. Ayy I'm connected. Fuck, the student life here is incredible. The UNIVERSITY is incredible. On a mountain, covered in ancient vines, a long bustling street full of students (and hot hot girls). The campus is amazing. And then, universities here have a whole HOST of cool things, like clubs, societies, organised sports, residences, parties. Germany has NONE of that. It's just go there, visit lectures, go home. Such a bore. Been missing out. Super cool.
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"Couldn't think of a cool opener but hi"
"Are you from Belgium?"
"Hey, who the f are you?"
"Sick shoes are they Versace??"
"HA! I've got you!"
"Hey. Whats up. Im x"
"See that picture over there? I drew it."
During nightgame, opener can be literally whatever. WHATEVER. That's half the fun
And do the Chain of Association exercise where you monologue with yourself for 15minutes or more nonstop every day, it will help a lot with your verbal. Judging by the length and enthusiasm of your posts here you enjoy expressing yourself but just filter way too much.
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God, Peterson really loves his indulgent melodrama
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Be careful. Not having withdrawals->addiction must not be real->I can play games->back to gaming could just be you tricking yourself back into gaming, just in an unconventional way.
Withdrawal is the mind's way to manipulate us into the old patterns of gaming again, but I wouldn't put it past the power of the mind to actually play the opposite game, no pun intended
Ps. I only got cravings/urges to return like 60 days in, and again about 120 days in. The first weeks were clear sailing. So don't assume you're in the clear just yet
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Yoyo
What's it like being a herbalist? Sounds interesting
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So are you gonna restart the detox?
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Seconded. Watch some cool movies or inspiring documentaries. Life is hard and we all have to push through pain and hardship sometimes. I can tell you that I used to play a lot of League but have not the slightest urge to return to that anymore, it does pass.
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Hahaha I'm looking forward to this one. My sweet summer child, you don't know the meaning of stifleness until you experience sober solo daygame
Prepare to get rekt son
Just use the "mind off, feet on" trick, just start moveing, it will be fun. But approach directly, none of that "oh hey could you give me directions to xyz" "what's the best club around here" bs.
That's right, now I'm holding you accountable motherfucker
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Media 27
@Brad_Hurst Oh nothing fancy. Approach and self-amuse, aint no shortcuts. I've had a tough time in clubs recently because they've all been playing traditional festive german drinking songs during Carneval time so enjoyable dancing is a no-go for me there. Yeah we're opposites. Yeah we should go out so we have both sides covered
Quick field report from this night:
So it's like the 3rd or 4th time going out this week as there have been many opportunities over Carneval. Although tonight was what I would call a fruitless and a little disappointing night (because I know I could do so much more with a little more discipline and balls) I've definitely felt my game improve a LOT in the week. I pretty much start in the zone after already one set and self-amuse a lot. Out of the 3 of us I approach the most, although it felt like half the sets were pretty much unreactive and sucky. The other ones I sabotage and eject to escape the stress of escalation lmao.
Still, it seems I have acquired a new baseline of physicality. A lot of touches, assertive hand pulls, and cheek kissing, now feeling pretty natural and fun too. Noticed one thing: if there was a girl I really wanted to approach, but she was surrounded by guys, I wouldn't do it. Excuses like "oh one of them is probably her bf" "would be too much stress" etc. The other thing was that I was probably a little uncalibrated but I see that as a good thing for now because I was doing new stuff. Pulling girls in as they walked by etc. My biggest disappointment was a girl I pulled in as she walked by, vibed with and escalated on fast, but then got stressed, into my head and ejected. I saw her again many times that night, vibed a bit more but never did anything although I KNOW I could have. I get the feeling everything I did that night was superficial tidbits here and there, sprinkled around the club, approached a ton of girls but never invested into anything. Open, eject, open, give up. I want to work on developing that killer instinct to always be closing no matter what. If it's just "ya go around and socialize, whatever", it aint enough. Still though, practiced more physicality which is fine. Approached a lot and never stayed stifled for long which is good too, I did quite a good job of pulling myself out of stifleness when I fell into it. Had 2 vodka shots too. Fuck it, ima start drinking a little to get a buzz. it's just impossible staying in the zone with that bullshit music otherwise. Next time I'm gonna bring a measured out little flask of vodka and smuggle it into the club and drink it for a buzz. Strategy, yo.
Self-amused a lot, did new things, like borrowing a friend's scarf and going around reeling in girls with it. Gave myself permission and saw that there were no repercussions. Either positive reactions or neutral dismissals but nothing bad can happen. By the end though energy had flatlined, I was alone and just standing around being a good-looking loser so I cut my losses and bounced.
Intention for next time: stay in set, don't eject, keep stacking up physicality until I get a definitive NO, but STOP REJECTING MYSELF, let the girl do that
Dancing with a girl is awkward for me but that's why I need to practice it. Sacrificial lambs 
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Media 26
It's going really well. No desire to watch any movies, shows or anything other than my cherished documentaries.
Super fun night out yesterday in Cologne's Carneval. Just having a load of fun and messing about just on the street. At one point my wing and I approach 2 super attractive chicks in Pizza Hut and have a great time. I made out with both. The first "lost a bet" when she didn't believe my age and I whipped out my ID to prove her wrong. After we were done her friend came over and asked what the bet was. So I just repeated exactly the same thing with her. It was hilarious. And soooberrrr. Love it when I run into fun, sexually open girls like that. Practiced a LOT of physicality that night, finally, but I find it very hard to iniate anything if the girls are shy and keep to themselves. Also my sticking point is really non-verbal physicality like in a loud nightclub. My verbal is fantastic, when I'm in the zone I'm funny af and i now more experienced with getting myself in the zone, but I find it very hard to do much in a club, funnily. Also realised it's crucial for me to have music I enjoy. If it's some shitty pop or German drinking songs it's a fucking buzzkill and a snore, in a trap club tho boom, it's a lot of fun->better approaches. Except that one had no women
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I felt the flinch big time today.
I went cold approach daygame SOLO for the first time. Oh man, it was brutal. Even though my inner game is spectacular and I vastly love myself, approaching a single girl seemed impossible for the first 30minutes. No anxiety, just cold, dead resistance. APATHY. Mark Manson talked about it. Shoved in my head and just "naaah fuck it can't be arsed for this shit".
Eventually the disappointment started overtaking the resistance, I set myself a mission of atleast 5 approaches before I leave no matter what, so may as well get it over with. Remembered the "trick": just move. Let the mind protest but make the feet walk, until you're in and it's too late.
Lo and behold, I survived the awkwardness, and lo and behold, after every set it got easier and easier and I effortlessly fell into state. By the end I was just self amusing and approaching left and right like no big deal.
God, what a relief. For a second i thought I had lost it.
Lesson: Just START, it gets better. The first one hurts. It HURTS
RSDJulien calls the first approach of the day "the sacrificial lamb", because it hurts, and it's probably gonna suck ass, but it's a necessary sacrifice for the awesomeness to come
(can apply the same to sex, date or whatever)
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@Brad_Hurst it was only my second date, same girl,and spoiler alert: it was a disaster
Getting dates is actually super easy. Go out and cold approach. Street or bars. Vibe and tell her to give her number at a high point (important). Light-hearted assertiveness, and "we" frame. Dont ask, just whip out your phone ""yo you're cool give me your number let's hang out" or whatever. Text then and there so she has u, and make preliminary plans then and there too. Are you free this week? Cool, let's grab coffee. Thursday? Fantastic, I'll text you.
Text her, keep vibing, insider jokes are great, set up a time and place. Tea at Starbucks is fine (+bounce to a shop or bar). And you're done.
Now I just need to figure out my foolproof method of making my intentions crystal clear from the getgo+escalation
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Welcome. You're not missing anything by quitting LoL ranked or not, trust me
On the contrary
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On 2/5/2018 at 2:29 AM, BigOlBeartic said:
Looking back, I think this week was low and tumultuous because I was settling into the non-gaming resolve. The first week was a high, which I think is what helped me get things done for the most part. So the third week, I should go back up to a 'normal' level.
Yup, completely normal. Like I said, find the sweet spot in how much change your system can stomach without backlashing. Highs come and go, but what is indefinitely sustainable?
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I was this close to posting an ultra lame skyrim joke with "adventurer" and "arrow" swapped out with "gamer" and "gaming detox" or something.
For the benefit of us all I decided against it and just want to wish you all the best on the detox!
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How you doing bro. Detox going good? making money?
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Thanks Mad Pharmacist I will check it out if I run into further trouble
Media Day 21
Detox going niiiiiiicely. No desire to watch anything except my cherished nature documentaries. Watched Blue Planet II over the last week. Absolutely phenomenal. Some of the best television I ever watched. Mindblow after mindblow. The beauty of creation near brought me to tears at some points. So much devotion to life.
A lot of cool stuff has happened. I lost my virginity in a brothel, got taught a bunch about sex. Now have doubts vanquished, experience, and resolve to ignite my sexual life. Very motivated. Free of fear! Not free FROM fear, but free DESPITE fear. I finally realised it. I've gotten it. Freedom was never about vanquishing emotions out of your life. No, fear and anger are part of it. Freedom was simply about acting DESPITE the emotion. Freedom from suffering under the emotion. It's not fear when you stop resisting it, fighting it, judging it. Drop the label "fear" and all its connected meanings and charges, and it stops being fear. It's just energy. Same for anger. Freedom is available right here and now.
I've delved into the dating game. Had my first date on friday, I enjoyed it. Moving frame from "will she like me?" to "will I like her?" and "will I enjoy MYSELF?". Just want to push myself a bit on the physicality part which still does not yet come naturally or easily. Could not pull her to my place because I live so far away, damnit. But it doesn't matter. Second date tomorrow. Set up tinder today. Meeting more girls tomorrow. Carneval in Cologne this week. Many opportunities.
Just got off the guitar. I can play the song "Inside of Love - Nada Surf" almost perfectly now. I love that song. I sing along too. It's a fantastic outlet for expression. I feel great after it. I feel great all in all. Very joyous and humurous and light-hearted.
It snowed today. Cold af but very pretty. Shot some pics with a friend for tinder. Busy week, had and have a lot of appointments. Cryptos in the gutter, lost a spectacular amount of money but I don't mind anymore. I made other plans, travelling no longer a necessity. Happens if it happens. Job interview next week for the WWF. It's about being a Promoter on the street. Sounded perfect for me, I already have a bunch of experience approaching strangers - I enjoy it. I look forward to getting to know people there, maybe even travel from city to city. It sounds awesome. I saw the advert while scrolling Facebook while watching Blue Planet II, a show that makes quite clear the environmental damage of humans and the danger the oceans are in. So, it felt perfect, like a sign. I just had to sign up. Hope I get the job, very very positive I will.
Got a new little house plant. It's some kind of fern I think. It looks fantastic and relaxes me just looking at it. My diet is great, I love it. My health, I have no doubt, is rock solid. I have loads of energy. I'm meditating less but it's ok because I don't feel as much need to, it's like my whole life is a kind of meditation, sometimes I;m present, sometimes absent, but always life is flowing without resistance. It just happens.
Sometimes I wish I still had a piano though, I would love to play again. It's funny, technically I can play 3 (conventional) instruments - guitar, piano, flute. But only one song per instrument! Although I can pretty much play anything really. Went to this music jamming meetup which was very cool. Just full expression, no inhibitions, it was very nice. Meetups.com is fantastic, it's hooked me up big time to cool stuff.
Oh, just thought of another thing. On behest of my parents, I visited this advanced, high tech creative university called SAE Institue on their Open Day. Very cool facility, very cool programs, like Game Art or Music Production, all stuff I would be good at, with very nice equipment and a huuuge practical focus. Sounds great on paper, eh? BUT..it's pricey, AND...it didn't give me a great feeling, envisioning myself here. It seemed..pretentious. All this high end production, making a sound juuuuust right, this editing right here juuuuust right. A lot of time and money for something empty. More movies and more games for the priviledged society. So much money for my education as some high end, snobbish producer or something. I mean, does the world really need more perfect music and pretty games? I would rather go out and immerse myself in life and help others do the some. Do my part for the environment, or the impoverished, or whatever. Use what I have for that end, for something good, you know. It felt wrong. I'm gonna have to consider because dream job would be something like camera team on environmental awareness documentaries or something, and say, a degree in filmmaking would be useful for that. I don't want to work a basic 2k/month job at the WWF forever obviously. Whatever I'll see where it takes me. Cool stuff.
Also, while there I tried out Virtual Reality hahaha. So technically I broke the game-free life?
Lol nah it was really cool though. Some sick game blasting robots coming at you from all directions. Hyper-real. I was so immersed in it it was crazy, it was like I could live out all my violent fantasies, I was doing crazy moves like grabbing a robot, using it as a shield against other robots, then shooting it in the head with the other hand like wtf, it was so cool but a little disquieting at the same time
Ahhh VR, is humanity gonna be fucked when it hits in full force? Maybe. I came back though thinking "damn, now I really want to play Skyrim VR
That shit would be CRISP.
Oh man, coming out of that game was bizarre. Abruptly you're back in the 'mundane' reality, no robots, no guns, just your usual self and life again. Very interesting experience. I just wandered about in a kind of trance for like 10mins before fully coming back to my senses. Also while in the game I flung my right hand so hard at one point that the controller flew out of my hand and hit a girl standing nearby. Bit of an embarassment, that. Ah well.
I just want to take a moment to praise VULNERABILITY and AUTHENTICITY. Good shit, good shit. This post is all over the place wihtout my usual clean writing style or any tryhardy nonsense, it's just raw authenticity and uncontracted expression and that's what I want my life to look likfe 24/7. That's what it's all about mayn. Not being here to be anyone but yourself. But before that, you need to fucking let go. Uncontract. Surrender.
Maybe I'm talking priviledged nonsense. Maybe my life is just easy. I want to get out there and face some real hardships to put all this talk to the test, for sure. I'm inspired by Cam's trips to Tanzania. I want to get out there and get nitty gritty. I want to start working for something greater than myself. WWF is a start, that's why I'm very excited for this and what it could offer.
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Media Day 12
Media detox going well. When I say media detox I mean like pure entertainment stuff. Been watching a bunch of Planet Earth and a couple other docs. I think managing these 30 days without any ordinary shows and movies should be quite an achievement in today's age.
My sleep is absolutely fucked. impossible to fall asleep before 5am it's crazy. Perhaps tonight. Ordered melatonin off the internet, hope it gets here soon.
Nothing else to say otherwise. Been drawing quite a bit. Oh, and I'm horny af. Been considering fapping because I have so much sexual energy at night and it's contributing to keeping me awake. Dunno. At the same time I want to use it to motivate me to go out and get laid.
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Media Day 9
Somewhat less productive the last 2 days but still all within a good green zone. Got a lot of drawing done, made some real progress. Been listening to the Skyrim OST a lot, but I judge it as safe. Very relaxing and enjoyable, with no cravings. I've already played that game to death and am fine with just letting the memories sit. Some day again perhaps, but not any time now. Stuff to do, places to be. And my yogic practice - energy work - is going swimmingly, I can just feel tingling vibratory energy and bliss all over my body, my chakras legit opening.
Eating a lot of dark chocolate tho but sugar free, keto friendly. Damn it makes me feel sick though lmao. What can i say, I'm in love with the choco. Bars.
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So how are you doing? I want to add to what @WorkInProgress said, best not to be too hard on yourself because slow and steady does indeed win the race. True, discipline is a sorely lacked virtue in today's society, but you've gotta play it smart too, give yourself breaks and recharge those batteries. Atleast in my experience, periods of intense effort and productivity were always followed by periods of intense slacking and unproductivity, so balance, self-love and self-forgiveness are key. I needed to find that sweet spot of how much change and growth I could stomach within a week without backlashing.
On 1/21/2018 at 6:28 AM, BigOlBeartic said:my mind adrift in between tasks, maybe its b/c i'm off gaming that I notice this more. And little bits of time add up to an hour to an hour and a half that slip through everyday. That is a LOT of time when I add it up all together. I'm going to try to stay more focused in between tasks and do my best to be aware of the time that I have, and make sure I use it to the fullest, even if I'm just doing something to enjoy, like taking a walk. That's better than just letting it slip by letting my mind wander back and forth through random thoughts like what-ifs.
Eh, similar thing here. Trying to control your mind is a futile battle and a waste of energy, the more effective approach is simply disidentifying (That thought is not me, that thought is not me) from the thought stream and letting them flow in and out of experience like a river, with no resistance, and they will cease to be a problem whatsoever.
Take care!
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Lifehack: wear caps and never worry about your hair again, and look gangsta af while doing it
And if you feel like sharing it, it's probably appropriate to share. Hell, if you DONT feel like sharing it, it's probably more appropriate to share. something something honesty and vulnerability and all that good stuff
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What if you flipped your perspective for a moment - that wasn't a low, but a high?
Sounds like some emotional purging and release, sounds like some healthy self honesty, sounds like true intimacy with yourself and your problems. You'll feel wayyy better in no time I know it.
My thoughts:
- Notice all those stories you tell about yourself. "It's my fault" "I failed to do this" "now I'm stuck" etc. True or not, just notice. Real, actual in experience, or just created mental stories? Just notice
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Try to embrace loneliness, because it's just part of life and the whole actualization journey. I enjoy loneliness now - tells me I'm on my path doing my work, and covering up nothing real intimacy with yourself
- Anger, loneliness, anxiety, what are they really? How do they show up in the body, how do they feel energetically? What are your labels about them? "Unwanted, bad, annoying, toxic"? What actually causes the suffering, the energy itself or the labels you assign them?
- You mention you fight your subconscious mind. Stop it. That's a silly, unwinnable battle. Rather, be on the same side. Let it express whatever the fuck it wants to express. Whatever arises, let that arise. Stop fighting and resisting against your own expressions and experience, that's literally shooting yourself in the foot. You don't control it anyway, and having it arise and release does you a service
- Mark Manson says it, a girl I talked to at the workshop I told you about said it: vulnerability makes you real, vulnerability makes you attractive
- Drop the alcohol if you feel you're distracting or covering up something
I don't want this to sound like instructions, telling you what to do because oh I'm so wise. Listen to yourself ofc. They were just the thoughts that came to me while reading your post, perhaps you will find them useful
Youll be fine. Feel free to call me tomorrow if you want.
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thehondasc00py's 90-Day Videogame Detox
in Daily Journals
Posted · Edited by thehondasc00py
typo
I pulled. Or more accurately, I got pulled. Cool, confident, independant woman. I felt like an inexperienced little boy with her lol, didn't help that she was 10cm taller. Night was super fun, we owned the dancefloor. Sex was like 10seconds because only semi-hard, it wasn't working. Fucking annoying man. Tried again in the morning but still nah. But hey, reference experience. I knew I would be meeting this girl that night with the option of going back to her place, and I went through with it, even felt completely at ease and outcome independant while doing it. Didn't give a fuck, whatever happens happens. I wasn't ready, but I did it anyway.
Perhaps I was fortunate to bump into such a nice and understanding girl to chill with, or maybe all girls are actually like that behind the masks. I felt really good for going through with it and giving myself that experience and huge step forward, but also kinda disappointed and failurey. It's quite demotivating. I have no motivation to pull and make sex happen if it's just gonna end in frustration and awkwardness anyway. I feel like just sticking to having fun and going for makeouts now, taking it chill. I mean I had no anxiety and felt pretty relaxed and sober, but my body just refuses to play along which makes me a little angry too. Ofc she was also surprised at my lack of exp despite my extreme confidence and game in the venues, which amuses me as well.
But now, got more experience than I had yesterday, yay. I'm grateful for that night, and here's to many more to come. Also aiming to go on a date or three still this week, I'm getting all these numbers afterall. And I guess I can feel my reality shifting too, as being intimate and physical and sexual with girls is now much more within my reality and identity, and I think self-sabotage is definitely on the retreat. Noticed a bunch of other silly thoughts related to social survival today, on what the relationship is between my and my housemates here, if they dislike me for some reason, etc. I think back to my Radical Honesty workshop and see how amazing the world would be if everyone just spoke their fucking mind and there wasn't this huge waste of energy on mind games, intrigues, assumptions and underlying hostilities between humans. I need to work on my Radical Honesty too because I've been wondering what certain people think about me but have not had the motivation to actually ask them a la Radical Honesty fashion. I keep noticing thoughts on if I'm being weird, creepy, annoying or something even though really I know I'm fucking awesome but to what extent can people see that? Social survival games and validation dependancy is such a yucky taste.
Whatever, great day for me. I did something I feared doing with little fuss (and it ended up being easy), got in a huge amount of practice and experience, and fun. I wasn't ready but did it anyway and saw I didn't need to be ready, cause shit just happens. I took action despite my emotions. And here I am, alive and well, the biggest fuss I have being some silly social intrigues and wonderings that are all inherently meaningless, empty and irrelevant. Cool!