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iamthemithras

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Everything posted by iamthemithras

  1. That's the best haiku i've ever read. You should copyright it or something.
  2. Day 11 Got to work feeling groggy, because I binged on watching a really funny YouTuber before sleeping. Wasn't late for work though, got the most important thing nailed down. I'm feeling a lot better now! I'm not as fatigued as I used to be, and I feel friendlier even though I imagine I still have my signature resting bastard face. I actually woke up 15 minutes before my shift so the first thing I did for the day was hurriedly put on my pants, a cap, and a hoodie from a clothes pile. Ran my way to work, punched in on time, went to the men's room and saw that I looked like a drug dealer from GTA San Andreas. I'm probably lucky I wasn't shot on my way to work by one of our beloved president's hired assassins. I'm thinking of surrounding myself with positive thoughts lately. Earlier I tried visualizing things I want to have like having a great relationship, more friends, a sexy girlfriend, financial security, a date with a cute girl with a great personality, a girlfriend with great sense of humor, flirting with a girl with a great set of... eyes... uh, you get the idea. Maybe it's because it was just payday yesterday, or the fatigue is going away, but I'm feeling really really great! I have gay friend at work that I had a falling-out with a long time ago, months actually, and we got along again just right now which is really great. I noticed I enjoyed being with some of my coworkers more, I felt friendlier than usual. It's really great, I feel really great after payday. Maybe this really is about getting paid. Anyway, after work I went home and brought my brothers out to the mall, we ate at KFC, went to some kind of virtual reality ride where we sat on a capsule, put on VR headsets (it was pretty cool!) then brought home some Krispy Kreme and bought my mother pasta from Sbarro because she really loves that stuff. The only game craving I got today is when I read about Doom from someone's journal here. It really made me nostalgic, I had good times with the game... but I'm looking forward to good times with my life which is why I'm going through this detox. Didn't learn anything about myself or anything about my addiction, but I did learn that my brother has to sing Eye of the Tiger whenever he has to take a dump. I keep saying that I probably feel great because it was payday yesterday, but I don't remember feeling this elated when I was just wasting my weekends playing games. I'm very happy for this day. I'm thinking of going back to writing Fan Fiction. I have a story that I started back in 2013 and has been in hiatus since 2015... It's a Deadpool crossover, and when the Deadpool movie came out I think I got more followers waiting for me to release the next chapter. Poor fools. This is actually why I YouTube binged yesterday - I was trying to write something, but got distracted. Lately I've been thinking I owe it to some of those people to get the story out of development hell, but I find that I don't know how to write the next chapter! I have to reread the whole story to remember the flow I had in mind for the story, but I don't find that exciting to be honest. My writing back in 2013 is atrocious. Apart from that, I hope to write more entries like this.
  3. ‌@Zala I guess we're both needing sleep these days, huh? That is pretty interesting, right? When I told my aunt about it back then she said she thinks this has something to do with my brain always being on overdrive when I game but now that I stopped the exhaustion of all that gaming is now just catching up on me. ‌@Mettermrck, so many people have already told you this but it's always a relief to see you comment. I'm amazed how dedicated you are to make everyone feel welcome and motivated in the forums, you truly are an unsung hero.
  4. Doom is a timeless game. At the risk of tempting my self to game, I have spent a lot of time playing gameplay mods and megawads. It truly is an experience, having 24 years worth of user-created content, and a very popular DooM mod that I am reluctant to name here lest it tempt me to play again. I guess what I'm saying is, be really careful with Doom. John Romero and John Carmack knew what they were doing. I hope you and your son feel better soon. It really isn't cool being sick when you have a schedule
  5. Hey friend, a great way to get support from us everyday is starting a journal. You can write at the Non-English part of the journals. You can tell us about how your days are going, and we can provide better support and cheer you on every day as we get to know you better.
  6. This is a big thing you're going through whether you feel it or not, but I believe you when you say you think you're handling things well. Despite what happened, I can only imagine good things for you
  7. ‌@BigPete247 Hey Pete, nice profile picture!
  8. Day 8 9 10 They say time flies when you're having fun. Time also flies when you're asleep the rest of the day (or days in this case) but saying time flew recently in this context would imply I actually had fun. Sadly, I did not. I realize this is a bad metaphor. Never mind. I am now on the end of Day 10 of my detox. I am sad to say that Days 8, and 9 has not been productive, but I didn't relapse, I'm still game-free. The reason for this is I have been sleeping the instant I got home from work. What is the nature of man? Like it says in the bible: "All people are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, and the bum quitting videogames sleeps forever." I am currently not feeling exhausted enough to skip writing my journal for today. I'm lucky enough that a few good-natured people are paying attention to my progress, and I am eternally grateful to all of you. I wish I'm energetic enough to reply to all of you, and check your journals here in this site, I really do. But I have a bad feeling I'm still going to sleep the... rest... of my... days off.
  9. ‌@qwethm987 Thanks for the advice. I'll be honest, with my first foray into a vegetarian diet I found that almost every vegetable made me gag. Woah man. I think I'm going to do one goal at a time for now, maybe stick with my cardio for now. Actually, I've been thinking of getting back in the gym, trying to psych myself up to actually go. You're right, fatigue is my biggest challenge right now.
  10. can only imagine what it feels like for you. Hope you find closure soon
  11. Day 7 Late again for work. It's getting embarrassing, The headaches are gone, and while I'm still exhausted I can feel myself getting a little more energetic, especially when I got home. Got cravings today but nothing big. I'm currently interested in starting a vegetarian diet. Will do more research once I wake up from bed. Not a bad day, just got nothing to say much for now. Did my laundry today. I think the exhaustion is going to go away soon. Just a hunch.
  12. Hey man, owning up to your mistake is the best thing you can do and it takes a strong person to do it! You finished the detox once, you can do it again, no doubt in my mind.
  13. Hi Fern, it's great to see someone new. I'm also not good at socializing, but I hear a lot of good things about Canada. I hear people are really friendly in general so you might have an easier time getting along with people, and it's probably a great idea to get permanent residence there. I can vouch that writing is a great way to "distract" from gaming. Great idea with the writing course and Martial arts, looks like you're on the right track to get off the gaming bandwagon.
  14. Hi ‌@Fern! Thanks for the compliment. I suppose it's true that Journals are for expressing yourself. I just glimpsed Renshuu.org right now and it looks cool, i'll definitely try it after work. I'm also using a book, Japanese for Busy People, and it's pretty useful too. Maybe you've heard of it, and can tell me what you think about it?
  15. Day 6 As planned, I went to visit my aunt. I actually came for a family dinner she's arranged that night. My original plan was to visit my hometown to visit my grandmother since I haven't been there for ages and I'm starting to miss it but when I called her last week she told me it's a better idea to meet each other at my aunt's place, so there I was. When I arrived, I've decided to tell my aunt about my decision to quit video games. While she did listen, she kept interrupting and making comparisons between my and my cousin who's probably a decade older than me. She keeps thinking about if he's addicted to video games, I told her I really don't know. I felt I wasn't able to adequately explain what I'm going through, she kept talking over me. In hindsight, It was probably not a good idea to talk about yourself to a person who's more interested in themself. I went to my cousin's room to catch up with him. He was playing Diablo 3 and I got the strongest craving to play in my entire detox so far. I was able to make some small talk, and get my self out of there. Evening came, and the rest of the family came. Dad came too, he looked like shit, I caught up to him and asked him what's wrong. He didn't tell me why. So we ate as a family, and everyone had a good time. That's good. Dad and I talked and he thought it's a good idea for me to see to finally visit his apartment. I work the graveyard shift so I figured it was okay. I didn't tell Dad I'm exhausted as shit though, but I just kept thinking that I never once visited my Dad and I really should do it now. So I went to my Dad's place around midnight. I have to say, he lives in a shithole. I think my room in our apartment right now is has the same squaremeters with his entire apartment - and he lives with his girlfriend in it. I learned that my Dad picked up the habit of making custom G-Shock watches and he showed me a few of what he did. They're pretty cool, I'm pretty proud of my Dad. For some reason, he reminded me of Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen when he was alone in Mars, reflecting on his past and remembering his own father, a watchmaker. So we spent the morning just catching up. He slept while I was watching some movies on his cheap china media player. We ate at McDonalds for breakfast - we talked a little, then I went home. Slept like a log, and next thing I know I'm awake in the evening. So I've been tempted once this day and it was a really strong one, but I got off alright. Today was great, if I was still gaming I would've never went through with visiting my family just because, and I still wouldn't know what my dad's apartment look like. He lived there for 2 years already. I just realized I never visited my father for longer than that. Today was really great, I feel like I'm getting my life in order. Guys, serious question. I know this is an online journal on GameQuitters. I've been sharing many details about my day that may not be related to my video game addiction. I was actually about to write about what me and my dad talked about in McDonalds, but I deleted it because I thought it was irrelevant. This is just the way I write and get my thoughts organized, but do you think it's best if my entries should be more focused? I set out to be as comprehensive as possible for my own reference, but it may not be the best way to go with things, I may be sharing too much or i'm just putting filler for the only really important stuff... What do you think?
  16. ‌@BigPete247 Thank you for sharing that video, Pete. I'm so glad I've watched it. Wow man, what happened to him was tragic, it's good to see him on Game Quitters. ‌@qwethm987 That's a really good way of looking at it. I am gaining a profit of spare time, now that I think about it. This is really good advice! I've never really thought of it this way, maybe I was too tired to, but thanks!
  17. ‌@Vlad Wow, man. That's pretty deep. I gotta admit, didn't expect this sort of advice. Thanks. I keep thiking this is the sort of thing somebody would tell me if this is an inspirational movie. EDIT: Not that it's a bad thing, of course. I've reread this post if it sounds offensive. Sorry, I tend to be really frank. I was saying that I didn't expect to recieve a great advice of this caliber here. And I really appreciate it. Saying that you'd do a great job making inspirational movies is just a bonus.
  18. Day 5 Still feel exhausted, and headaches are returning. In fact, nothing happened today. I'm so tired, I slept most of the time. It kinda messed up my body clock, I'm asleep at the wrong time so it's going to be a little challenging to go back to my normal sleeping patterns so I can go to work fully awake. Got nothing productive really done. I got a notification from DuoLingo reminding me to study Japanese, so that helped. I studied a little so I can win back double the in-app currency I bet if I study for 7 days straight (I sure hope I didn't replace gaming with gambling, and to think I almost called it in-game currency). However, i'm still at the basic Hiragana part of the app, and I already know most of what the lesson is offering, so I really learned nothing new. You'd think sleeping ALL DAY would make me feel refreshed, but no. As I write, my body still feels tired. It could be a matter of too much sleep, but maybe not. Maybe I should sleep it off? Got cravings again, and dreams this time. Briefly dreamt of playing Skyrim. What the hell? If I dreamt that I played Skyrim, does that mean I failed the detox? Or did I just fail in my dreams - and if I did, does that mean I get to stay in Day 6 in the awake world and I have to dream that I'm starting over at Day 1, maybe dream about Zala telling me i'm not a loser for starting over and Mettermrck giving more support? Got tempted more than once to play some games. I feel that I seem to be anticipating to finish my 90 days and then splurge myself with games after. I wonder if i'll develop the discipline to game in moderation, at least, after the 90 days. I think I'm going to constantly feel exhausted for a long time. Am I a sissy for feeling this weak? 6 days in, and I still can't fully believe this is all because of quitting video games. I would never believe that going off something seemingly mundane like video games are going to make you feel this shitty.
  19. ‌@Zala I'm 24 years old. Not sure how it's relevant though, I think a lot of us are about the same age. I think I understand, thanks for the suggestions. I think I'm angry mostly because I feel like shit. I want to quit because I feel like I'm wasting my life just gaming all the time. I don't get things done, I don't get to learn new things, I always felt that I'd rather game than meet people or even go along with my family to outings, etc. When I talked to my mother yesterday about wanting to quit, she actually told me that it's probably better to quit than having to suffer like this. Besides, as she put it, it's not like video game addiction is bad for my health not like smoking, or drinking. My mom is full of useless advice though, I grew up believing I got no one to get good advice from. I'm actually going to visit my aunt this sunday. That's something to look forward to. ‌@Vlad Thanks for the advice, I've never felt this exhausted my entire life and I still can't believe this is because of stopping video games but hearing other people going through similar situations helps a little, I think. We do have a "checklist" of a sort that measures everyone's performance, in the Call Center industry we call them performance metrics. They range from AHT (How many customers you were able to assist in an hour) to CSAT (Percentage of positive vs negative surveys from customers). The metrics are pretty competitive, but I typically have good scores. What took a big hit was my Schedule Adherance because of the time I came to work late, and took lunch too early. I'm hoping I get better and more focused soon, I literally can't afford to mess up my scores - they're deducting my paycheck. You didn't bore me, but sorry if bored you with these jargons. ‌@Mettermrck That makes sense, thanks for the advice. I'm not sure venting out is the best idea when I was about to hit my sister, but I will stick with the detox. I hope to find out how I can manage my emotions better. ‌@BigPete247 Thanks! I remember glancing at your journal and being a bit jealous at what you've accomplished. You're doing really great.
  20. Day 4 My sleep was interrupted by my sister. Shortly after that we had a fight. When we were shouting at each other, I had the sudden urge to slap her face across the room. It took all I can to restrain myself before she stormed out of our apartment. While me and my sister are not very close, and verbal disputes do happen, the last time I hit my sister was back when we were kids. As an adult, you tend to not want to actually harm people especially your family, but there I visualized slamming my palm with her face to shut her up. It took a while to let go of the rage boiling inside me - I needed to punch something, I needed to fuck something up. I took a look at the mattress I was sleeping in and pounded the non-living shit out of it. I felt the metal springs inside the cushion reverberating to my bones, I punched until I felt the nerves on my arm exploding. Exhaustion finally took me over and I collapsed on the bed. Nobody at home talked to me the rest of the day. I'm beginning to think quitting video games is doing more harm than good. I am seriously contemplating about putting all this behind me. It could be that I have deep seated emotional issues that playing video games are actually numbing. I don't really know what to think except I'm turning into a dangerous person. At work, even more people are asking me if I'm okay. I politely told them I'm not okay, saying nothing more hoping they would just leave me alone. They said I'm starting to look pale, I just gave them a nod and nothing more. One guy told me to stop with the angry face I'm making all day, I apologize and said I couldn't help it. One of my teammates looked really worried about me and told me to go to the company clinic, I made a face that made it look that I don't think the clinic will help and told her not to worry and that I can still do my job. I was still very exhausted the whole day but interestingly, no cravings today. After shift, my manager was about to round everyone up for an announcement but he let me go home ahead of everyone. I thanked him and I went my way. Pissed again for no reason, I was listening to Snowgoons - Global Domination in full blast with my headset, jogged my way home and crossed incoming traffic hoping to relieve the angst. When I got home, I did my cardio to full exhaustion. When I could breath again, I did another set of it. Now I'm calm, and now I'm here writing this entry. Today, I learned that an expensive mattress can take a hell of a beating, and that this Journal is about less of me resisting video games and more about me trying to keep my sanity. I don't know what I hope to achieve, writing down every minutiae of my day. Maybe I think it's important. I don't really know what to think, I just felt that I had to write this down for some reason. I have no sass in me today. Damn, I'm so messed up. Saturdays and Sundays are my rest days, so it'll be interesting to see how my mood and body will act on a day with no work. That's something to look forward to, at least.
  21. ‌@Skaliq I suppose I was too pessimistic to think that most people wouldn't understand at all. I just told one long-time friend of mine about my decision about quitting gaming, and she did understood - especially when I told her about my withdrawals. She said she was proud of me, and such. ‌@qwethm987 Thank you for sharing your perspective, that helped me think about things. I don't know though, I'm really not a fan of sharing my problems to everybody (SAYS THE GUY WHO KEEPS AN ONLINE JOURNAL ABOUT HIS SUFFERING FROM WITHDRAWAL) but really though, I'd rather that most people at work think I'm sick for some reason than getting more personal about it. I find that when I'm vague about something, almost noone is insistent about finding me out. Most just let it slide, why try to find out so much about some guy at work, right? Besides, it's not like i'm actually close with anyone. I'm pretty reserved, and I think everyone is used to me that way. Regarding the girl, you're right. It was probably too much to make a joke about it here either. I hope I don't lose my cool again. Thanks for staying with me, I really appreciate it. I want to spend more time on the forums and read more of other people's journals but I find that I'm too exhausted to do it. If writing wasn't fun for me, I'd consider this a real chore. ‌@BigPete247 Thanks Pete.
  22. ‌@Zala I guess being honest is more important, what's the point of keeping a journal if you're not honest with yourself, right? I'm flattered that you think I have a great sense of humor. I suppose my attempts to amuse myself in writing works for other people too. I don't think I want to go with the family problems route. At the risk of offending some people, I don't think too highly of people that share or admit that their family problems are affecting their work performance. Unless it's something like a death in the family or something alarming like a parent having a stroke, brother being in a vehicular accident, etc. Otherwise, it's best to leave your problems at home where it should belong. I understand what you're saying though, and make no mistake I really appreciate the advice. Besides, I already told people I'm sick. Though, I'm having a hard time explaining what exactly I'm sick of. This Dr. Lisle sounds interesting, I think I'm gonna look into him. I think I can agree with keeping things in perspective, that way when you do fail it won't be as devastating and you'll be able to recover swiftly, at least more so. I am worried about this making the person complacent, or making the addict expect to fail so when does relapse he gives up because he's going to fail anyway and him being an addict is just the way things are. Or, when this person fails, he does get up but because he's expecting to fail again he doesn't take the initiative or much initiative to prevent himself from relapsing again. I don't know, it's not so simple to wrap my head into. I still feel bad about what I did, but I noticed she stopped staring at me so I guess it's a win. Turns out that's all I wanted.
  23. Day 3 Checked the forums first thing in the morning, wrote some comments and read some posts. Did 4 of 6 minutes of intense cardio from the same AthleanX video I watched the other day. Felt good collapsing on the floor out of exhaustion, but I felt that I recovered too quickly. Either I wasn't as tired as I thought, or my stamina is improving. Either way, will add more length to my next cardio workout. (In case anyone's curious, here's a link for the video) I'm happy to say that the headaches are gone. However, I'm still exhausted for most of the day. I feel sleepy, and even more unfocused and irritable. While I wasn't late for work again (thank God) something bad did happen. During my scheduled lunch, I went home to rest (I live nearby, a brisk walk would take about 5 minutes from work to home and I prefer to eat at home) and as soon as I got home, my manager called me on my cell. He asked me where I was, I told him I was home. He asked me what am I doing there if I should be at work? I glanced at the clock and it was actually an hour too early before my scheduled lunch. I apologized and hurried back to work. My manager is a great guy. He didn't chew me out, but he did embarass me by telling the people around me what I did. I guess it's better than I deserve, another manager would have embarass me more by making a scene. I'm still getting day dreams about games, but they're becoming less frequent. However, I'm acting more like a jerk every passing day. I'm still scowling - I felt really pissed for no reason - so I tried to avoid eye contact with everyone lest they think I'm pissed at them. Another guy asked if I was feeling well, I told him no. More and more people are getting the idea that I'm sick, but I haven't told anyone that this is withdrawal from video game addiciton. I wanted to at least tell my closest acquaintance so at least SOMEONE has an idea of what I'm going through, but I couldn't get a chance to. I also feel that she's the only one who would really understand, because I don't think anyone else would take me seriously if I said I was trying to quit video games and I'm getting the shakes which is why I'm acting like an asshole. That's something to think about, right? How can we explain what we're going through? Nobody really thinks video game addiction is a real thing, is it worth trying to convince someone who doesn't understand? I mean in a social/every day sense. I definitely believe that there should be awareness about video game addiction more than ever, but is it worth the effort explaining things to the guy at the corner raising his eyebrow at you ever since you said "I'm suffering from video game addiction"? I'm getting really worried about going through with this. Sure I'm getting more productive (even at work, suprisingly enough. For someone who's spacing out every now and then I seem to finish a lot more work early. I hope I'm not doing a crap job though) but I'm alienating everyone around me even more, and I'm already a loner as it is, guys. There's this chick that's somewhat friendly with me, and although I don't really feel comfortable talking about this sort of thing and I don't want to presume, but I think she's into me. Unfortunately, she's not my type, and it's really creeping me out that whenever I glance at her direction I find that she's always looking at me or something. We don't really talk much but earlier today she tried to talk to me but I was so exhausted and pissed (and creeped out by the way) that I totally brushed her off and got myself away from her. That was very rude of me. Poor girl. Then again she probably deserves it, what kind of creep stares at someone all day? When I got home, I went straight to bed. I woke up, and here I am. Thanks to the fuckups, today was pretty eventful. I learned that my exhaustion is getting worse, but at least I didn't get a lot of cravings today. This is however at the cost of what passes as my social life. Damn. I said I was going to try to be more positive, but sorry guys. I can't do that yet. But based on the support you're giving me it sounds like this is just the worst of it and things will get better, I just have to go through with this.
  24. ‌@qwethm987 You're right, it can be challenging to think positive when going through a hard day. At least for me, I've never been one of those people that can easily focus on being positive like some kind of "on" switch. But even I know the value of positive thinking, and I will definitely look into what works for me. I'm glad to see you're happy about me being much more productive now. ‌@ValarMaiar Thanks! Like my favorite rap song keeps saying: Go hard or go home! Probably not a good example because I want to go home most of the day, but there you go. ‌@BigPete247 That must have been horrible, but it's good to hear that it was only for one afternoon. Yeah, it sure is weird isn't it? I'm still amazed, in a way, that I'm going through something like this. I'm pretty clean, I don't smoke, don't drink, and I never imagined I could be addicted to something. Oh how wrong I was. It's good to finally be able to do something about it. Thanks for the comments everyone, really appreciate it.
  25. @Mettermrck thanks for the continued support. While it's certainly relieving to expell all these thoughts onto this journal, maybe I should make an effort of sharing or noticing more of the brighter aspects of my day. That's very interesting that many people also report exhaustion, and that you felt restless at first. I didn't expect quitting would be this kind of experience! Despite the withdrawal, I'm very happy that I went through with this. I'm actually getting things done - as in I don't feel lazy stuying or working out. I only wish I started much sooner
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