-n.g-

haha you are not alone on the slacking front. Some days my brain just decides: nope and the weekend for me was a massive nope that I gave into. I also lost my duolingo streak too.

Day 26 Day 4 7.36pm Salut Went through some old stuff, discovered Harry G Frankfurt’s On Bullshit. Yep, gonna read that again. I tried before, it was a simple(ish) book but I previously found it hard to read as if something wasn't clicking. Je bois de l’eau et ca aide. I still feel lethargic, but less so. I stayed in bed all day yesterday feeling terrible. Today I also put a clear cote on to the model to make it look shinier but it is currently cracking the paint at the moment, I will have to fix that somehow later. I have taken a few steps back, but I feel ready to make up for lost ground. My brain is still screaming for more stimulation despite cutting down the fapping, soon I will be off it completely. I think it is beginning to internalize that Mr hand isn’t the best substitute. If there is one thing I will finish tonight, it will be a CV. I have had my lazy streak for the time. Bonsoir

day 25 day 3 must pick up the pace. yeappp slow day bonne nuit 20.29

allez-vous appeler le telphone? non. Je vais aller un bus (i will go by bus). You have to make an appointment and they give you a set of days, rather than turn up immediately, but I figured it would get me out of here for a bit. I can't reach them on the weekends so filled the time walking and learning french, I was exhausted after having bad thoughts. day 24 day 2 wasted day again, but less exhausted. I spent most of the day cheering myself up but I did finally make 3 meals a day, hopefully that changes things. I will need to replan my eating though. If I oversleep I have dreams about video games or when I go to bed late, thankfully i reminded myself that the steps needed to reinstall anything is a mountain. things I have concluded: saying "no" more, to everyone. helping people less. its exhausting and should hopefully banish the thought of being a tool (people don't ask for it, I don't know why I give it). talking less. it gets you more brownie points but is exhausting. Do more instead. listening and I mean really, really listening less. I have a terrible habit of doing things more senior people ask of me even though I know that really is a waste of energy. I don't want to do it but subconsciously I still do it anyway which is dumb. Am I that impressionable? Tomorrow: 6am wake up, decrease time every half week by 15 minutes to get back to 5am. rise early, bed early. change clock battery. physical clock>laptop clock, I don't have to do a little clicking and swiping ritual to view it. This would massively help I think. morning walk dust room write cv scan/finish drawing start new ones plan to restructure language, I got new apps and stuff to help me. Brain isn't in the mood to try out french atm. off to bed, bonne nuit 9.14pm

day 23 day 1 6.54pm bonsoir, Slow day, got my shiny new replacement flask, diner sur la menu. Fell asleep and forgot to make call to doctors, pretty much just learned french today, found memrise which helps a lot too. Went out for replacement, then had to go back home to get masking tape to stick the label down further because the man wanted it and then fell asleep for a bit. I wonder if playing some white noise can help blot out the ringing. a plus tard (see you later) 6.57pm

Day 22 Day 0 (mm-hm. Still, it wasn’t pornhub so there was a plus. I figured I will be more mindful about it if I do it again and it finally clocks. The more I think in the moment, the less I want to do it next time. Hopefully. Day 2 Franglais Bonjour, Ca va d’accord. I have been working on my model mainly this week, touching up bits here and there. Started eating oranges after attempting make a candle to drive out the insects that find their way in during the evenings. Je n’ai pas mange beacoup de fruit alors meme que j’aime ca. (I have not been eating a lot of fruit even though I like it) Demain, I am going to go to the doctors as well as return a dented eating flask. I really wanted to make dinner with it. I think I will get back to drawing. I had an idea for typefonts being technical drawings. Steampunk/cyberpunk/modern themed ones. Read a blog on the lack of “analog” drawing prevalent in architecture and thought: I am acknowledged! I am not the only one. I am miserable by not having dinner. I thankful that there are still some genuinely altruistic people in the world. I should get to work on re-writing up a CV (resume). 2:28pm I have been doing some reading on tinnitus. I am hoping that it is just a blocked up ear, I did use to play music at full volume down my headphones. Have only done it a few times since to drown out other noises, no more shoegaze on full. My sinuses have been blocked for as long as I can remember so perhaps it is just built up gunk or something, I have only recently started noticing it get louder.

duolingo and it's sister site tiny cards, at worst I consult an internet dictionary but those two sites do a great job so far. google translate for some extra stuff. Just a word and a simple sentence here or there plus a little bit of grammar checking to understand. I also keep a sticky note of what I keep forgetting and try to read things that I am interested about-design related websites. At the moment I can only recognise a word here or there and skim read it to get the gist of it. I hope to be able to mostly understand the editorials and essays by the end of the year at this rate At the moment I cannot sleep because there is a very loud and persistent ringing in my ears. Will need to see a doctor about that.

listened to it. yup, absolutely agree with the last point of view from the last expert from Manchester. If we can make work and school more like gaming I think the result would be a much more effective and productive system. This is part of the reason I like Duolingo- to me it works just like a game. I am very good at games but was awful at languages at school. I learned virtually every glitch in some games to be able to speedrun them but couldn't string together a sentence in French without using a dictionary. The website is set up in a way that you can get small achievements (dopamine boosts) and improvements directed at you, unlike waiting for a teacher in a class of 20-30. And the best bit about a game is that you can go it at your own pace, if you fall behind there will be others who will be in that spot or left questions previously that were answered, so you effectively get a mini support system available to you 24/7. Of course the formula needs more work, not everyone can work like that and it should never be sole method of learning like everything else tbh. I am still terrible at learning languages but I think the game-like aspect keeps me wanting to come back git gud. I have honestly learned-and I mean actually managed to internalise- more in 2 weeks than in 4 years of learning French at school. As far as I am concerned, if I get addicted to learning french, that cannot be a bad thing. I have still already decided that I am not going back to gaming though, but I would like to learn more about how social media and gaming hooks people so it can be used for more fulfilling purposes. I have heard of the 2nd expert and read a study of his. Cannot remember what it was but lets say I didn't get the best impression from it, as if there was some kind of hidden agenda. That interview just confirmed to me that he has a heavily emotionally invested interest in painting games in a negative light. As for that guy, he has a girlfriend. He did better than me

day 21 day 1 4.16pm Bonjour, Ca va bien merci, the itches bites aren't so bad, I'll remember to wear socks so I don't get bitten on the bottom of my foot again J'ecoute de la livre audio, The Illuminatus! Trilogy, mais il y a des trous entre les chapitres (but there are holes between chapters). So in the meantime I'll have to wait until I get money for it* I fav'd some french language websites to try and read some even with my tiny vocabulary. Je mange deux repas par jour et je pense que c'est mauvais (I eat two meals a day but I think that is bad). So I have got a third flask to eat dinner in. I haven't learned past tense yet, I don't think I will for some time. Much nicer to learn at your own pace and to be curious yourself about how sentences are constructed over having a teacher drone it back to you without you asking. no porn, no fap so far. I made it 3 days before, lets try for a week at least. *ou pirate ca.

day 20 day 0 late, tired all day. couldn't sleep due to an intrepid mosquito biting me everywhere including the bottom of my foot. started taking multivitmains and eating oranges. No hardcore porn, always felt a bit weird watching it, still couldn't help fapping to it.

what is wrong with taking a power nap?

6.58pm It is not finished, the body is not glued down yet to get an idea of the finish and needs a few more cotes. I thought I might share what I have been doing when I was talking about this little car model I purchased when I was at my lowest. Before that was a Shelby cobra which I destroyed during one of my rages. It gives me something lovely to work on, that I can afford to switch off to. I chose it because it was small and funny; and I think that front opening door is a brilliant idea. I don't really have a massive love for cars on the level on an enthusiast, I just appreciate fun interesting designs. I have always particularly liked small, compact designs from a young age. Asked to draw what my house was from a young age, I drew a country cottage while my peers drew mansions. I think the only addition that you might consider excessive would be a swimming pool for exercise. I was fascinated by water and was given swimming classes quite young, though I was terrified of other people and as it turns out, still am today. Being the stereotypical Chinese born high-achieving child I remember my first failure academically when I kept getting a maths exercise wrong and didn't know why. I had an eye condition* that was picked up too late and so couldn't differentiate between and addition sign and and a divide sign and from being ahead of the class, I fell behind and have carried on falling behind in maths and science, another interest that died in secondary school when I had these mental blocks and the addition of maths started being taught in the lessons. My reading and writing ability developed late whilst they were finding out my problems (further falling behind), and it didn't help that I usually enveloped myself in my own world. Mean time the general advice I seemed to get from all the, I suppose; concerted help was to just deal with it. I remember developing a terrible memory that still keeps up with me today, I would often look up and down when copy out sentences which would further inhibit progress; I never looked at a word as a "word" to be memorised but a as a collection of letters. I struggled learning the piano** because I could barely read the notes in the line and couldn't read ahead because of it. You just need to focus harder they said, stop getting distracted they said. I do know it is wrong to dwell, seeing as these are such early memories but sometimes what could have been pops up especially when I was bullied in later school. Enough self pity rollicking in memories for the evening. Ok one more, a good one this time. I remember in secondary school being asked to teach a class in origami by my first English teacher*** which was oddly enjoyable after the initial terror. I later on volunteered to teach children how to swim and enjoyed giving advice and instructional's to people. Despite my fear of people I have had thoughts every now and again of wanting to teach and teach something that I enjoy which is design. I think that the British education system kills design focused thinking and creativity in general for that matter.*^* We are curious by nature and for the most part and I think that current idea of the school system, for the most part, does not foster that. Instead (bar a few exceptions) we get people who become reliant on others and a bit... dead. They become what the Japanese term as "salary people". I picked up from the book How to be Miserable [...] that as hypothesised by the philosopher Alain De Botton*^^ these people work tasks so largely menial that they are not able to see the bigger picture, "rarely seeing a product or project from inception to completion. He suggests, echoing Karl Marx, that this fragmentation can create an alienation from the work itself. Few of us would prefer to return to feudal farm life or resurrect the occupational glories of the Eastern Bloc, but the point is, for many, a valid one. It is somewhat more difficult to bask in the glow of achievement gazing at a pile of completed paperwork than when hammering the final nail into a freshly built barn." Apologies to any person who does enjoy basking in the glow of completed paperwork. I have also finished reading/listening to the book (less so reading) I shared previously and was left with one recommendation from the author, make a list of all the 40 chapters I have read and give each one an arbitrary rating, then proceed to change one to three of those things. I think above all I hope to come to terms with past actions, though best not to think that far on that ultimate goal and focus on the present, switching off and getting a good night's sleep instead.^^* *long sighted, now shortsighted and slowly failing combined with a squint that caused double vision resulting in the younger me walking into walls instead of doorways and being labelled clumsy and punished even though I didn't know why. ** Yep, Asian. ***still one of my favourite people on account of the mild South African accent and empathetic attitude. *^* Being creative is something that can be taught to a limited degree, the rest you learn by yourself. It is teaching people how to teach themselves-as one of universities tutors put it-which is what I think people really want. I always thought critical thinking would be a fun subject to be taught to people, but that was only reserved for the high achievers at secondary school. It is part of how they crank out people with exceptional abilities from private schools in the UK. I found that after they take those lessons they have a different outlook on school. Perhaps they are aware of it, who knows; I never asked. *^^book=status anxiety, something to add to the top of the reading list for me methinks ^^* nah this is just an excuse to put another one in seeing as I have shoved in a bunch already. If there is a life after death then bless you Mr Pratchett you hilarious genius.

Day 19 7.51am In Japan they have a name for people like me-hikikomori, literally withdrawn. Well this is a terrifying realisation. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23182523 Upon recognising every element of what I have done in the past, yep. It is all true, right down to the last detail. I thought I was going mad. I remember an obnoxious little shit at secondary school who once predicted where my life will, granted he had his own problems; but he wasn’t wrong. Welp, that was well over 7 years ago.

thirded RL93 I see you like a bit of Japanese culture. Coincidentally the BBC held a series of documentaries which have now all been ripped to the good ole' youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glhcEkQTB9s (that one is about how they make samurai swords) to help launch an exhibition on the life works of Hokusai: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Hokusai21_great-wave.jpg The trick is to read both prints from right to left, not left to right. I never went because I was too busy gaming at the time to notice

Day 18 7.55 Bonjour, Duolingo du matin retourne! What is that, a one week hiatus all because I couldn't be bothered to find out how to turn off the microphone exercises? They structure it like a game. I was never any good at languages but I am very good at learning video games! Can't be a bad thing if I get "addicted" to learning a language? 8.19 1.43 One word and one minute. You are stuck for ideas, so come up with one word and write it down. Or an action you want to put off, one minute and do it. Done. Now spend another minute doing something else, drawing or making words. Limit yourself to 5 minutes, then 10, then 15. Enjoy. This method is something worth noting as a useful means of tackling procrastination. The trouble is that sometimes I can feel odd doing it, needlessly distracting and it never goes away. I think that sometimes it is a way of putting off something else far more important in personal wellbeing. As of right now I have been meaning to get some other stuff off my chest but have been trying to finding the exact words for it. So far I have been writing and rewriting it over days. I saw a link about sexual health but it was the introduction that interested me the most. Someone’s wellbeing can be split into four segments: Autonomy Social Connection Self Esteem (achievement) Security If any one or more of these are lacking for a long period of time then people become miserable. So under each title I wrote a list of things I was lacking and asked myself why and what I could do to solve it. I am still working through it but it has helped order my thoughts immensely. Went back to learn French over lunch and slowly throwing out things I do not need. A tip I got was not to try and do it all at once, just slowly in small segments. I suppose it is to get over the sentimental aspect. Although I am keeping the collection of Horrible Histories books I read as a child. I don’t really have many other plans for today so I think I will just get back to drawing and starting out on my project. G’day

day 17 5.24pm Right, some chores I have been meaning to do done. Next on the list: the big P for porn. Oh man, I really don’t like talking about this one. I do not know if I should put this goal off for another week until I make my sleeping pattern right which is already hard as it is, because I know that it will make things even more confusing having tried previously. Nope, Tomorrow I am doing this shit, just march right through it, cut it off. Wish me luck. Found and restored my phone. Downloaded a To Do List app but prolly won't end up using it. Also, no beam of light shining through my door any more, now it just looks like a halo-getting some draught seals from that, should keep out the cold in the winter too. Blackout curtains on my window to cover the other neighbours who turn on their lights during the night. Another thing playing on my mind is the incomplete project I did at school just before I figuratively collapsed and didn’t bother going back. I have been thinking a bit about that, it was about [brain fog] the seaside. I was doing things wrong and not thinking clearly enough. It doesn’t help that there is a weekly meeting of things. That was in the past. Over the past few days I have been writing in my sketch book of a prevailing idea that I think I REALLY wanted to look at which was small, portable objects. Swiss army knives with lots of simple related functions that are well designed for a-on-the-go lifestyle-technology gets miniaturized, perhaps we should apply that to the other things. We only ever needed big houses to cater for the servants to make our lives easier and to store all the junk we have hoarded from overseas but times have changed and I think, at least in the West that a growing number of people place less value on materialistic goods. If anything it will give me something else learning-based to do. I hate leaving these kinds of things incomplete and I think gaming only served to take my mind off that when I was stuck. That wouldn’t be a bad thing until I decided to make it make it one of the crutches of my life. Right, fill the last big gaps in door, book shelf needs a complete clean and so does the next cupboard, clean windowsill. It is not cleaning Sunday but I think I need a break from drawing for a day. 5.55pm

day 16 2.24pm --> bed at 10 woke up 5. been had another power nap. Caught myself searching up rubbish on amazon, which I do not need. nothing much to report, just working some more (or trying to) they say it takes 3-5 days for a regularly sleeping pattern to take effect so I got a week more of this I suppose. I do feel less exhausted daily though. audiobooks, radio shows and music are great background noise. -->2.28 Not enjoying homemade meatballs makes me miserable. Saturday morning I will being having me some meatballs for lunch. I will make a booking for a doctors appointment this time next week I think. Tomorrow or Sunday will be the day I go out to the park, nothing hard, just 5-10 minutes and build it up from there over time.

thirded

good man, keep it up!

7.05pm Working is fun on this thing. faster, more efficient but I do work out how to tighten it a bit more, I am sure someone has worked out how to that. I spent time listening to an audio version of this book. My, am I professional at this! I'll have to switch off shortly but I thought I would share this before going to bed, and before it gets taken off youtube. I upscaled my plan some more as it was still too hard to so draw small. I was exhausted from the trip too. I got out at 9.45 and came back 12.15, all for less than a minute to get a board with wheels and steel wire on it. This is the major one thing I detest about London, the city is so large it takes ages to get anywhere if you do not leave in the popular but pricey N, E, S, W, SW, NW, NE, SE postcodes. There are three rings of life in a large city, one where you live close by everything in the centre however you must have a love people, claustrophobia and a lack of trees (unless you are wealthy beyond most people's wildest imaginations). The third is a slower paced life, one which you sit back on the periphery of city life, venturing into the centre only for excursions with a short enough train or car ride to the places you wish to visit but far enough away to not have to face the hubbub and brouhaha that comes with life. You work in a shop in outer suburbia or a short train ride into an area just outside of the centre too (still bustling with life mind you), life is slow but pleasant and the perfect place to raise a family. The second ring is Hell. You live far out of the city not because you like it, but because it is cheaper, your place of work is miles away, or sometimes close by but involving a convoluted route through a stretch of facilities off limits to shortcuts, it is car orientated but you do not own a car and it would be realistically silly to do so considering the inflated cost of parking and fuel and pretty much everything else that comes with living in a large city that advertises itself as being "open to the world*". This is the definition of the daily grind as the shear act of a long commute, walking, bus rides, the vibrations in train rides, people everywhere becomes exhausting. Add into the cocktail summer time heat and humidity and you have a recipe for misery. The pollution makes even the fit and able weaker and the constant feeling of being dirty after an 1 hour on the train never shrugs off my mind, previously every daily trip felt like an expedition. It is a young person's city, mainly because the burnout happens in a short period of time if, again; you do not live a moneyed existence. Still, I got out even if that meant 3 hours of sleep straight after. I got a decent product for a good deal, there wasn't much point in haggling seeing as it was already a small fraction of the price and given the size of this thing that few ever have a use for, I imagine that I made the seller living in I assume their pokey little apartment quite happy. Not going to the doctor for a proper diagnosis makes me miserable. I have been before and there was a small hint that they wanted to talk about the events since. Another trip is in order in the next 2 weeks methinks. back to work. switch off to painting the top of the fabled isetta is in order before bed. G'night 7.48pm *I cannot deny that there is no underselling of the point there.

Day 15. ( 2 weeks!) 12.57pm Felt a sense of accomplishment. Last night I wrote some more thoughts down but I think I will share them later, I do not think I was in the right frame of mind at the time so it might sound like an overactive melodrama. Walked out and bought me an A1 drawing board. This should put rocket boosters on my drawing, I always shied away from spending money because I didn't know what I was really looking for. I should have picked up one of these second hand earlier if I liked hand drawing so much. I had minor shakes going to a place fairly unfamiliar to me, I tried to open up and sit up right and blot out the nagging pain in my mind. Music helped a lot I think otherwise I would have been a wreck getting back. It also helps to know that no one really cares too much, but it still doesn't stop me from being paranoid about what people think. I try to watch mothers playing with children because I know that their time is not spent looking near my direction and my brain goes nicely blank. There was an experiment conducted on people in isolation some time ago. Scientists found that animals developed a form of psychosis in solitary confinement, not really engaging with the rest of the world. They go quiet, they become paranoid and very self conscious of what they are doing. They become hermits and get out only when they need to. One day under stress they just snap and become more aggressive. Not a single animal was immune to this, and exactly the same thing was reflected in prisoners in solitary confinement who developed these attitudes in little more than a couple months. I have been plugged out of the real world for a year now, I am afraid I might have developed something like that to a lesser extent too (I wasn't bored all day in a unsanitary tiny room). still I was able to make a conversation with a random stranger and pay them so it can't all be that bad. I do just remember the last time I did this though and now I am in the same place. 1.11pm

5.22pm --> before I forget and go over my 7pm curfew need a rest from drawing. back hurts from being so bent over (broke my chair). tomorrow will be off to get a proper drawing board second hand for £30 which will make everything a lot quicker and less painful (they normal go for triple the price). That means going out for once! the isetta has wheels, will be painting the top part for that two-tone look. found the youtube radio stations. no need for making a super long playlist. downloaded nvidia driver so I can work on CAD without it being to buggy, bloody ads popped about my previous go-to game, good thing I uninstalled it. Had another night with terrible dreams, finally gave in and made food at 1am and stayed awake to 5ish. missed the morning french, must do tonight Lacking vitamins is makes me miserable and tired. so next to book a doctors appointment for some vitamins tablets. I should speak to them about my other problems, never really liked doing that though. They either assign me to a junior doctor who looks at my passed history and seems to come to conclusion that I need to be treated like a child despite being a similar age to them, or an old dude who's first recommendation are anxiety relief tablets-mainly because the mental health services are over-stretched due to "austerity" cutbacks or something dumb like that. I'll be honest think I will take the tablets this time round and forego the cbt for something more useful. I felt the person I was talking to went too fast, and I ended up lying a lot just to get over with it all and please my parents at the time who went under some illusion that I was suddenly better in a couple months, the things that went over- I knew them already, I just didn't know why I couldn't break not doing them (too much "raw data?"). Welp now I don't have to worry so much about parents, although they still have access to my accounts and have been withholding money saved. next would be to get control of that again. for now I'll worry about the train ride to pick up the drawing board and back. I am tired today so perhaps I will flop on the bed at 9pm and not wake till 5am --> 5.49pm

necroing an old topic to see if anyone knows anything similar to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2quiyHfJQw it doesn't have to be japanese, just chilled like a good whisky on the rocks.

Day 13 (almost there) 6.42pm --> Its not a great photo, today was planning for the orthographic drawing than anything else. I do not do any online stuff anymore, any thing in the past has prolly been erased by now. Most of the stuff have done at school is still at school... I hope they haven't chucked it, I'll think of it as a start to a new portfolio in any case. I haven't been one for digital stuff even though it is many times quicker. I think there are qualities lost in doing digital although I will retouch the finished work to send off by the end of the week, thin pencil lines don't come out well on print. Below is some old stuff I did when I was 17. I loved colour, shame architecture school isn't a fan of colour and prefer to work on shape (that is why they wear black all the time) even though the world is defined by both. I have been having over the years severe mental blocks which made it more difficult than normal to be able to work on and process information and think clearly. I am hoping giving myself another year out of school instead of rejoining the academic year in September will help me out of that. Either way architecture school turns even the most ambitious people into walking mental shipwrecks*. I am honestly not sure how I managed to play video games all while doing that. I am still struggling to establish a routine but its getting there I think. I read that if I were given a lot of money every year to make myself miserable, what would I do? The reply someone came up with was that they were doing it for free right now so it shouldn't be too hard to think up. So for today the one thing I can identify that would make me not going outside. I'll switch off now and get that work on the door done. I am planning on buying an second hand A1 drawing board from someone so that means getting out of the house for the first time in months. I have missed a lot, best not to think about it. -->7.41pm G'night *60hours a week in the studio was the minimum, 90+ hours towards the end of the year. An average of 10 hours in the studio a day, weekends are just part of the working week. There is no time to decompress even if what you might be doing is enjoyable. My commute was almost 3 hours every day, morning routine would take up 1 hour and lunch was spent working. I don't recommend doing it.** **Terry Pratchett fan, the man loved his footnotes.

Day12 6.56pm à Another plain entry, didn’t really sleep much last night and woke up at 9.30am. Part of the reason I realise that I cannot sleep much is because there is a slit in my door (it was installed wonky) that lets a lot of light and sound into my room. Some guerrilla glue, foam board and a scalpel should quickly do the job until I get out of the house- never really thought about it for a while. Almost finished the first drawing, then an orthographic drawing. It has taken a little while to remember how to do it all-as well as not having the right tools, out of my own laziness to find them somewhere in my cupboard. Just cleaned out a bit of one just now as well as the top shelves of the rest. I have started feeling more joy in listening to music which takes my mind off bad habits. à7.05pm Two hours off the laptop, switch off electronics before I sleep. I have been reading 40 ways to make yourself miserable, which is an amusing. Dunno what to pick up next. Anyway I should good get back to cleaning for the moment. G’night