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-n.g-

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  1. Day 80 8:40am Cycled for about an hour this morning listening to some tunes. Will be reading some more french. Yesterday I got emails to come in and see my tutors on the 7th November. They said it is likely that I am going to have restart next year. I have been in and out of study since I was 18. I want to preferably get through university before the age of 25. Though they may be half way through the first half of the semester I will see if I can drum up the strength and concentration to catch up. Once I get that meeting I can start setting out a full routine and tailor a job around it. At this point the tally is just a tally, I will be glad to have gotten through the 90 days, but it is just the start. Thanks @Cam Adair for setting up this place, youtube channel and the podcasts. Did I thank you before? Eh another time doesn't go amiss. Music while biking, Fresh air Water
  2. I think I have some understanding as to why, though yes I do need help. I have needed the drugs because I was and still to get suicidal thoughts, just less so, when there is no reason to wake up in the mornings it just gets worse. I have tried about 3 types and so far the side effects have hit me like a brick, this might to do with having littler to no exercise so the effects are awful. My body went from doing a lot of exercise when I was younger to none at all so that would have magnified the effects. It will take me at least 1.5 years to get back to the fitness I was as a teenager. I know I am anonymous and it does sound silly, but some things are just better sharing later I have realised. I said I would be honest about it all at the start and I will release it once I have summoned up the courage to read it again and edit it. Concerning podcasts, I have been listening to things mostly unrelated to politics which at the moment, especially online and especially about the US; which has very little to do with my situation. I think it has all gone rather out of hand and entrenched in dogma regardless of political affiliation, though I try to keep an open mind for most people's views. I will say this though, the two skills to understanding it all, all of it; is firstly: To be able to zoom right out and back in again at will. There are always far greater patterns and undercurrents affecting the details in all decisions made. I find that whatever a person posits regardless of their qualifications; they are almost always not thinking large enough. It is something I think few, including myself like to hear. Sometimes it will click later on,other times it never does, we are not perfect after all. The second is to not give much of a shit. That is something that I do not think I have fully internalised. Consequently, I have ditched most political news and views form whomever and wherever because it plays to our strongest and most impulsive of emotions-usually negative, it gets us hooked* and I see that as an unhealthy habit. I find that it makes me less creative because my mind is locked on to a needless distraction and takes me away from my immediate position rather than to help me tackle it. It leads to little in the way of productivity because I am right now in no state to become politician or activist and there is realistically nothing I can do at the moment to affect any kind of political discourse. That isn't to say I am unaware, moreover; I am aware enough to know not to care about it. They say that ignorance is bliss and I cannot lie it is. I suppose you could call it wilful ignorance, I do not think so and in any case I do feel happier as a result. Instead I have mainly been listening to the Gamequitters podcasts, audiobooks and mainly scientific essays on misery and memory as well as catching up on satirical fiction like the Illuminatus trilogy because we all need a laugh at the silliness of this world. I have been listening to lectures from the RI, AEI, RA, RIBA, AI (I am too lazy to type out their full names) as well as edutainment like braincraft which has been getting me interested in things I knew about. I have also been listening to CGP Grey's podcasts. The only two things I read that are news are both from design and art related websites like Dezeen and the occasional podcast from the Economist. I followed sailing related podcasts as means of keeping me on track to my ultimate goal of sailing around the world but found that this was a goal too far into the future putting too much emphasis on. I have been going back to the book How to Be Miserable by Randy J Paterson as a means of helping me identify and solve are number of poor habits are I do, however; there are a few major conundrums that I do need external help with, none if which can be provided here. Ultimately I have become a lot more wary about what I consume. Ripping a quote off my favourite author, Terry Pratchett: "The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it"-which in other words means, please don't listen to my opinions, I am no authority on any matter after all. But yes, cheers for the suggestions *which reminds me to read Hooked by Nir Eyal
  3. Day 79 5:54 am I have been thinking about how poor I was at being able to compartmentalise games. Last night I caught myself watching game related stuff. I am fortunately/unfortunately a completionist deep down. I have realised that it has followed me throughout my life. If I want something I think about it a lot. Thing is, its the thing I most want where I do this and everything else takes a backseat. Games have a habit of pulling you in, you cannot fault the designers for doing their job but man are the feelings are strong. I hate feeling unsatisfied with not finishing it. This is why I have told myself that I simply cannot pick up a video game again. Coming from a migrant family we never relied on others much. I never had a strong community support base. I am Chinese and English, but I never really had a network of people I could rely upon. The Chinese community in the UK is not like it was previously, before they used to try to sell you Christianity, which was always going to be a no-go for me and my family. I used to see myself as English and often tried to go against my other self. There are definitely things I have thought and actions I have done that were not English in mindset. I think now is the time to settle into my Chinese self. I am the oldest son on my father's side, I find that it is still to some extent quite patriarchal and I was always going to be brought up and conditioned to inherit the family's legacy. I think that this is something that has had a stronger pull on me than it has ever done on my sisters, and I didn't even realise it. Anyway, now I am off to learn some french and go cycling. Cheers for listening. This morning I will be off to cycle around, the goal would be to cycle to the place I used to go sailing and also to a local park that I haven't visited in years that is a gem in the city. I'll be shooting off another email and then reading some more. I am hoping to find a local quiet place I can cycle to and work in. The gentrification of the city has brought the upside of a range of local establishments that cater to a range of people.
  4. Somewhere in the middle I talked about them trying to rip me from my bedroom for no apparent reason causing injuries. Thats why I don't want to go back to them, I was hoping to get a job and restart my studies as a means of using the university counselling service or pay a private counsellor, at the moment I am just waiting for a reply from my tutors to see if I can restart it which would give me a routine over the day and I can plan work hours and activities around that. Wait times for the mental health services on the NHS are awful anyway, 3- 6months+ to get anywhere because unfortunately its so poorly funded. I use the forums for the journal as a sort of personal vent so much as for meeting, which is why I am not overly active only really drop in before and just after starting another entry. Rest of the time I am listening to podcasts and youtube videos. I have since cut down the amount of time I spend on the screen, though since trying different drugs that my doctor prescribed it has thrown off my sleep pattern once more and I am simply not fit enough to recover quickly from it, so that is why I got a bike to replace the walking. I have written plenty in private but am simply uncomfortable with releasing some of it because the details some things that are too painful to look back on but just needed to be written down.
  5. glad you liked my city! If you ever come back there is plenty of free stuff to do, just bring a food flask for lunch. And definitely visit a gay bar, its much more fun that a normal one and half the bar isn't gay anyway. Perhaps you could write some bullet points or a small script before hand.
  6. Day 77 9:31am couldn't sleep so went cycling this morning. I had to wait a bit to get all the accessories like headlights to be delivered because the days are short and I knew that the sun rise around later than when I want to wake up. I feel better now. but my poor sleeping is still destroyed. I tried allnighters, still nothing. The tinnitus is down to a bunged up sinus, which I have had since forever. So I will be needing to get some sprays for it. I have also been taking vitamins, vitamins c, d and multi vitamin tablets so now my health is just above rock bottom. I am hoping to make cycling a daily thing to replace the walking. cycled for 2ish hours, goal is to get up the hill where I live without having to stop at the top. I also want to be more confident enough to cycle to Greenwich. I will not be taking major routes as the city really is a giant deathtrap for cyclists. I finally got over my fear of writing to my tutors to ask if I can rejoin university. I had to pause job searching because it was making me feel down but am now back, I am just not sure what days I can do assuming I do get back to university earlier than normal. I need a short rest then I need to clean my room again, its built up some junk over time. Oh did I mention I ditched the pills? the side effects were so bad I couldn't keep up with it. I am looking at some other... alternate forms to help me get over anxiety attacks in large crowded places (I am seriously terrified ever time I get on the train in rush hour) and low mood. Its not so much a funk as much as feeling down every day. Still I am getting fewer suicidal thoughts, still don't have faith in counselling service offered but don't have the cash to go private. more goals exercise watching the sun rise
  7. mmm. I haven't watched a video of his but I think it is that he has some more internal demons to overcome to grow up. It is ultimately a personal journey and if he realises that he can drink "socially" but more importantly responsibly then I think its a decision to respect. If it is a relapse then it is important to remember that we are all prone to making mistakes and we shouldn't judge others-especially when videos/journals are only small windows into someone's life. I imagine with drinking the journey is so long that you are never really cured, you just deal with it daily. I myself as a reaction to not gaming for a while back went on the mother of all binges, was very cocky about it as I was able to hold up school as well at the time. I dunno, now it just feels right and I just don't at all feel keen to go back to it again. I feel embarrassed that I acted like that to my family and friends. These are just my initial thoughts form reading your last post, I dunno if that answered any questions.
  8. can I just say I have been lurking and thoroughly enjoy reading your entries
  9. Day 72 8.19pm Bought a bike yesterday, had to go all the way to the other side of the city to get it. got a train to liverpool street and cycled home which took 3-4ish hours. I haven't properly cycled in at least 5 years and the lack of exercise for a year was painful. My body is aching and still recovering from it but I have to say I am happy I done it. Only slight dampener was not haggling it down further, though I suppose thats just the result of not getting out and meeting people enough. The other was receiving some racial epithets from someone outside the station. Had headphones in so didn't hear much of it. Some times I do feel like throwing stuff back at them but its just too much trouble. I have accepted not bothering with people off the street. I intend to use the bike in the mornings. First I need to reduce the seat height and add reflectors and lights. I stopped taking the pills, the side effects were really affecting my sleep and I am only just being able to function normally again. I'll leave it for another time. Got my laptop back, they also tightened the hinges which is nice, free repair and all so I didn't need to spend a penny. I have asked a friend to start a get together at some point. It would welcome to get back to finding the upside from my past. I have also started to talk to more people from my university too. I am hoping to get back soon. I still cannot look at my family. A mixture of shame and anger at them, I need to get away from them but I need to complete my studies and get a job first. Gone back to cycling Having another small project to do, getting the bike ready feeling like I have made some more progress.
  10. -n.g-

    Anxiety

    Yes. I have been shut in for the past year. Since giving up I have been making small steps to towards getting myself back to university. The journal has been of wonderful use and the only thing I wish had done was do it earlier. I am on day 64 now and there have been ups and downs and definitely some crying but I'm chipping away at it.
  11. Day 64 8.30am My brain feels like its been through a tumble dryer. The pills have completely scrambled my thinking again. The urges were back because I didn't know what I was doing. It has further compounded my insomnia and I can barely remember what I am supposed to be doing. It has become a little bit better over the past few days but the side effects hit me like a speeding train, libido was dead and dry mouth and for the first few days tingling tremors. I have had to miss another appointment because I cannot even find my travel card and my room is a mess again. I could barely get through the answer machine without a stutter. So over the past few weeks haven't been able to do much, I cannot even remember what I did. My body felt like it didn't want to do anything and it didn't help that I went back to a disjointed eating pattern again. Oh yes I got my CV completely cleaned up, thats about it. Encouragement from friends I'm afraid I can not think of any up sides at the moment other than hope that it will all pass over. I have two more pills left and will prolly get another appointment next week. I need a lie down.
  12. I suppose, its already up on some jobsites and I am no good at these things. I have cut out the top bit with my name/contact details. I am still tweaking it after re-reading it again. I still dislike it. Applied for another bunch of jobs.
  13. Day 50 11.53am been to the doctor who prescribed me sertraline tablets 50mg, 1 a day. usual spray for nose, i should have told him all other sprays haven't worked for years amongst a lot of other things I forgot about. I am afraid the tablets might just further cloud my thinking. I think the doctor also put me into therapy again. should have saved my money instead of paying for the prescription though, I have a student card still. My insomnia has taken a turn for the worse too. so I am hoping the tablets wll sort that out. I just need something to slow down the thinking. My computer went to poop after leaving it on in the night and forgetting to turn it of. I edited the settings to play white noise while the lid is closed. repair scheduled for next week. SO i haven't been keeping on duolingo while I backed stuff up, switched it off and fixed this replacement up. Deleted all the games and restored the computer. Cars about as done as I can get it. I need to get super glue for the rest because nothing else is holding some parts thereto. I will retake up the piano to fill in the time, my sister left a keyboard behind when she moved out. nofap went a bit further but am back to day 90. Still I consider that a win Learned to make risotto, am now binging on gravy and rice. Need to get some curry paste for kedgeree. I think I have pretty much got my cv in shape. job hunting is continuing... must all back instead of email. reading the history of my area drawing morning showers Interesting things I found out:- --There are three kinds of wisdom: Worldly-refers to your life's philosophical understanding emotional-ability to be aware of and regulate your emotions and how they affect others and how others will affect you. practical-your immediate and intermediate goals and how to complete them as well as your day-to-day existence. --cooling down your neck quickly will help you to go sleep faster. A cold flannel or a fan does the job. Third edit because my memory is the worst,Also need to get a blood test sorted.
  14. aye, I think I made that mistake, I was thinking about too much and doing it all too soon.
  15. 12.31pm bonjour Arrived 5 minutes late to the doctor and had to rebook, next appointment is on the 28th. First time I saw the receptionist had a sneaking feeling I knew her from somewhere, remembered it was at the old swimming club. I also made an effort in previous days to reconnect with some old friends. I got an email from one person who said she is studying Japanese and is moving to Japan in a few weeks to pursue a modelling career which is quite cool. Recently got a message from another person studying art and design at Parson's in NY. I usually have a friendly persona but inside I am usually terrified. There are plenty of people I have made friends with that I have proceeded to cut off later on. I have decided that I will tell them about recent past events instead of hiding it. I also ordered tickets to an exhibition to get myself out and about for tommorrow. I have almost finished my car. Not bad for 1st time after 8+ years. Actually I think it might be my best one yet. Today I need to: Learn quick round of French Get changed from the doctors Break. Still working on the insomnia. Since my computer has developed a fault I cannot put on some loud music during the night to drown out the ringing in my ears in case it explodes or something. I managed to get to bed at 10 but was only able to sleep at 12am which resulted in my lateness to the doctors. Past history now, cannot solve that. Learn more French Finish tweaking CV spam as many jobs applications in an hour when i am done Shut off PC drink more water open my windows charge camera start drawing/Finish model car Oh yes one more thing: Porn? one day at a time. I think I'll start counting backwards. My brain is still going nuts but I consider it a win if I am not going (actually can't now thanks to programme blockers) on sites to jack off to hardcore stuff or anything at all. My brain gets a 100% boost in dopamine when I play games. 200% when I jack off, prolly why its been harder to stop. That said to even start this journal took me the best part of 2 months on and off.
  16. Today it is finally internalising that I can not fix the deep flaws of my family-and people in general, if they do not want to realise it themselves or make a compromise. The best that i can do is find a job save up, reclaim my bank account from prying eyes and piss off form this house before i attempt to kill myself again, cut them off for a while, its the only way at this point. I have always been an outsider, even where I have lived, that is something that I have finally accepted too, there were good sides and bad sides. Fuck you too Essex. job tally: 10? 11? replies: 0 Follow up emails: 0 (procrastinator) I will be reworking my CV to be more... I dunno, bullet pointy, CVish. applying to: 8 more.
  17. nice job! keep it up! its a funny experience doing something again and being more mindful about it.
  18. Day 41 Starting a new project. Developed a line on laptop screen. I don't have money to fix that. Applying for more jobs Resurrected Linkdin account... And then realised why I didn't bother with it in the first place. Slightly depressing to see people who have graduated from university and taken up good jobs. Slightly gratifying to not have taken a degree that puts me on the path to a dull job. I think I'll just put up a CV and then carrying applying for jobs the normal way, on first glance it seems to be a circle jerk of self-congratulatory consultants and business analysts.
  19. Day 39 Cheers Cam, I will definitely being doing that too. I have completed another few more segments of Duolingo, I initially wanted to spend 10 minutes a day on it, its ballooned into an hour which is great. Thanks to the forums I also have some apps to stop me from being so distracted on the internet, which makes it easier. I ma using my contactless card for travel too, I would try to go out a little more but I need to save the money for travelling to job interviews. Its definitely been a struggle getting out. Its been a struggle getting out of my room just to go to the kitchen tbh. I still haven't sent off it off but I have started on a new project in the meant time, I think I just tired myself out doing one thing. My model car is taking shape nicely too, the mistakes have mostly been sanded out. The noise from downstairs has been dampened although low frequency sounds are still very loud so I have white noise playing through my headphones every time it happens. I am still terrible with internet distractions and noticed my time searching up "edutainment" videos increasing so I have banned myself from a number of sites. Anyway I should get some food in me (had a long lie in) and I should get back to searching for jobs, already got a few rejections so I think I will have to tweak my CV some more. Also learning to cook some salmon risotto today. Learning to cook a different recipe every week should be fun. 1hr.56 minutes on the internet so I think that it is time to flick on some music and switch off for the day. Acceptance Growing up with Cockneys Always look on the Bright Side of Life at the end of Iron Maiden concerts
  20. Facebook et al are where people go to make perennially happy constructions of themselves and where companies go to sell you more shit. Few are actually worth following and most are bloody carbon copies of each other. They design websites specifically to suck you in for as long as possible with side effect of reducing your attention span for other things because they want you to think about going back on it, all of it is deliberate-it generates ad revenue and that is the price of freemium. I recently downloaded cold turkey which has inadvertently closed off reddit; it is turning out to be a happy accident. I'll also download rescue time too, cheers for the tip @Manun. I only have whatsapp, youtube and gamequitters now. Youtube is at the moment my major time sink but I can't get rid of it because it is also such a good resource for other things. If I want to make myself more miserable I maximise my screen time. Edit: I wonder if I can force lock my computer in the evenings as well.
  21. Day 34 Day 2 ---->4.39pm Bonjour, J'apprends Francaise en ce moment. Today I finally strummed up enough courage to book a simple appointment. One for Wednesday next week at 10.40am. I also took time to see if I could hand in a CV to a shop, they asked me to email them instead. The journey tired me a little but still I got out which is a good enough sign. I tried to cycling but realised my bike was too small and I am on my last reserves of money. In the meant time I will just have to take a morning walk. I should really send my designs off too. I also need to find my spare travel card. The current student one has been closed as I am not at university. I also decided to dig into an architecture book as a way of starting my personal drawing project on the tube. Today was sunny, mostly having bus routes to virtually everywhere is great the ease it takes to book an appointment with the NHS. I was going to call but decided against it. Cheers for reading Oh yes one more thing. I have so far applied to six jobs I think and will be writing a cover letter for a further two more. Irony is that the one I am most likely going to be interviewed for I reckon will be as Christmas staff for the Game stores. Why would I apply if I quit you may ask? money and ease of transport. As long as I do not play video games and do not binge read/watch games I should be fine. so far I have managed to not be triggered by adverts and occasional viewing, though I will not be returning to watch Killing Floor 2 community stuff or Doom/Fallout 4 related stuff any time soon. To much time invested in them, especially kf2 where I had to fortune to meet everyone but its time to move on, I wish them well. Job I really want is as a service assistant at the design museum.
  22. Day 33 day 1 I went to the barbers for the first time in ages to have my hair cut. Over the weekend I wrote a CV and started sending it off to employers. I am now writing personalised cover letters. The barbers was something I have been thinking of doing for quite a while now, what do you with last bit of cash? get a haricut. Sounds daft but to my mind it just made sense. I figured I would apply for museums and art shops as something that isn't too demanding. I think if I just went straight into flipping burgers or being a waiter in a restaurant I think I would be shattered by the end of it all. I have managed to complete the first stage of duolingo and have taken to using memrise as a compliment. I didnt realise there were bots that I could use as well on the mobile app. I have been cutting down some more on computer time but now I want off it for at least a day of the week. I sunk back a bit after being distracted to a sailing channel that happened to be in the path of a hurricane, must remember not to be so obsessive about something on the other side of the world sad as it is. The news just presents it as another drama story and another thought virus to think about all the time. 6.56pm Bonsoir
  23. day 30 Day 0 -->9.27pm Salut I had noticed my PC times going up again so needed a quickie detox from that. In that time I have written a CV and sent it to a bunch of stationary shops. I doubt I have the energy to be a waiter or something with my fitness at the moment. I keep on wanting to go to the doctors but something keeps turning me back. I have reset the fap counter because now I am in the right enough mindset to really want off it. I have been slipping too with sleep times as increasing my intake to 3 meals has made me feel more hungry in the night times along with the general ringing in the ears. I am fixing up the cracking on the Isetta and am moving on in drawing to creating a technical drawing of the alphabet and probably another exploded drawing of an eggtimer. The cassette has been a good learning experience, remembering stuff I have forgotten. I think I kept placing too tight a set of expectations on myself so have slowed up a bit. Language learning also slipped a day but I am being more consistent once more. Bonne nuit _-_->9.33pm Oh yes, and I think I will also ease up on the writing to 3 days a week. In terms of pesonal writing in thoughts, my brain has been scrambled for a bit but I think a bit clearer now. I guess the reaction to getting off of the porn was greater than I thought.
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