seriousjay

When is the last time you can remember being truly emotionally connected to someone? I think part of the issue might be that you haven't felt it for so long (or perhaps never) that you don't even know how to emotionally connect to people. You may even struggle to allow yourself to become emotionally vulnerable with people for fear of being hurt, etc. I think this often happens due to past trauma that hasn't been resolved. I'd encourage you to think back on your life and try to figure out if there's anything that happened to you that deeply scarred you. It may not have been a single event. It may have been many small things over a long period of time. The latter applied to me with my parents. For a very long time I felt neglected, misunderstood, etc., and it took me a long time to overcome it. I wasn't truly able to deal with those issues until I faced them head on which required me to confront my dad about them multiple times. And ultimately you won't truly begin to heal until you've forgiven the people who you feel wronged you in the past. Not necessarily forgive them face-to-face, but at least in your mind and heart. As for the guitar, you can look around and see if any stores in your area offer music equipment rentals. I am currently renting a violin for $20 a month, which is extremely reasonable. Best of luck to you!

@Ikar Thanks for the suggestion of the Models book. I skimmed through it a bit and it seems to be right up my alley for the most part. When the time comes I'll be going through it more thoroughly. So we're getting close to the point where I can think about everything that's happened the past year and I'm pretty damn pleased with my progress. I've discovered two passions I want to explore much further. My physical fitness is about the best it's ever been. Still got some tightening up to do with my nutrition but it's so much better than when I started this whole thing. Mentally I'm in a great place as well. All the self-love and value work I've done is really starting to pay off. I'm looking forward to 2020 being a breakthrough year for me!

Well had a bit of a rough day. I think it stemmed from getting off to a slow start this morning. Two alarms didn't get me up when I wanted to and I essentially skipped my entire morning routine. I felt extremely lazy all day after that. I did end up forcing myself to practice violin for a bit which I'm really happy about, even if I think it didn't go that well. I also did a bunch of reading. I guess it goes to show how important a role habits play in our lives. Well, despite all that it still turned out OK. Looking forward to a better week ahead! ?

Always remember two things: that you are a beautiful person just the way you are right now, no matter what's going on in your life, and that you are the only you that exists and that will ever exist. You have a great deal to offer to the world. You just have to find it within yourself and let it come out. ?

That is exactly right I think! Trying to control people is a futile effort that will only end up in resentment towards you. Be a beacon of light to your loved ones and show them how things can be better by your example. ?

At the risk of seeming rude, this is quite frankly none of our business and outside the scope of what this forum is about. I encourage you to continue offering advice and support but I think it would be best to stay away from giving unsolicited advice about something that is a strictly personal decision.

Believe me, it took me a LONG time to accept that I'm allowed to have standards and if something isn't working for me, it's OK to walk away. You've done far beyond what I would expect anyone to do in your position, and you deserve to have a man that makes you happy and grateful to be with him every single day. This is just my opinion of course, but if you ask me I think your relationship has gotten to the point where there is a serious incompatibility. You're not happy to the point where you're having to ask your SO to exercise basic personal hygiene, and he's probably getting more and more resentful of the fact that he can't do what he wants while you're around. This is not fair to either of you. Also, I would strongly encourage you not to think in terms of your biological clock. The first and most important thing in a relationship is that both parties are happy. Of course there needs to be compromise on things, but it needs to come from a place of love and understanding. Two people that love each other will willingly make compromises for the sake of the other's happiness. I hope your SO comes around and you can get back to a healthy relationship. ? If not, trust that it's OK to walk away and that you will find the right person for you.

I can kind of sort of relate to this. I had quite a few close friendships while I was gaming that of course didn't survive me quitting games, or even switching games. including a few in real life. When I started my *for real* quitting journey about 1.25 years ago, I literally had zero social life. No friends at all to speak of. I have since met many amazing people, a few of which I count as close friends. I know it sucks to move on from what I'm sure was a great friendship at some point, but you'll develop amazing friendships with other people going forward! The main way I developed those friendships was through Meetup. It's an excellent tool to bring together people with common interests. I can also totally relate to the self loathing. I hated myself for a very long time and had fantasies of dying or getting seriously hurt frequently. I am now in a very good place and I'm confident you'll get there too. You've already taken the first and hardest step. Now it's a matter of building the momentum in the right direction! ? Keep at it, you'll get there!

Cravings are normal even years later. I think Cam has even had them and he's been off games longer than any of us. Do you take time out of your day for self-care? What I've found more beneficial than anything else is taking time to practice gratitude, self-love, etc. It's really hardened me against many of the cravings I've been experiencing the last year or so. The more highly you think of yourself, the more likely you will be to make choices that are in line with your values. I won't promise the cravings will disappear but you can definitely improve your ability to handle them. ?

I feel extremely unqualified to answer this but I do have one bit of advice: if he is going to quit gaming, make sure that he's making that decision for himself and not for you. This is because if he does it for you, eventually he may resent you as the reason he can't play games anymore. Although this particular advice applies to virtually all changes, not just quitting something. The other thing to keep in mind is that you're allowed to have your standards and boundaries. I think it's important that you stand firm in your desire to not share that video gaming activity with him if you feel it's damaging the relationship. Then it's up to him to decide what's important to him. I think you're on the right track in trying to find common interests outside of video games, and I hope that he comes around. Anyways, you seem like a wonderful and strong person so I wish you all the best. I hope that you both find a happy ending to this stage of your relationship.

Thanks for that! To be completely honest though the decision to take an actual break from dating feels like the most correct thing to do for me right now. I'm only just getting started with my music and writing and taking the time to really focus on that stuff is really important to me. I didn't even realize just how much I love music until I started playing the violin. That being said, I'll still keep my eyes and ears open for opportunities that do come by, but I won't be actively seeking them anymore for a while.

So I went on a date last night that I thought went really well, but I was told today that it didn't feel romantic enough for her. I went on a hike to try to clear my head. I came to the conclusion that this and the last instance of getting rejected were the universe telling me I'm still not ready for a relationship. So I've decided to take an actual break from the dating scene completely to focus more on myself, specifically my music and writing. I'm also considering signing up for actual date coaching at some point, though probably not soon. I'm pretty much just going to go with the flow of things for now and see what kind of opportunities present themselves and go from there. It really sucked to hear first that I was too young for someone and second that it didn't feel romantic enough, but sometimes we need these things to happen to us for us to open our eyes to what needs to be done.

I have worked hard lately to shift my focus from results-oriented to process-oriented. This allows me to focus more on making sure I'm maintaining good habits and continuing to move forward as opposed to trying to "get somewhere". I feel like this has really changed a lot of things for me, especially mentally. I'm not so concerned about the days where I slip up a little bit because I know in the long run those will just be blips in the grander scheme. Where I've felt this the most is in my writing and music. I'm not so concerned anymore about reaching certain goals and instead am just enjoying the process of learning these crafts. This is allowing me to enjoy them so much more, and we'll just see where it goes. Things are really starting to fall into place for me, and now it's just a matter of keeping up the momentum!

Yeah sometimes the Meetups can be far away but you can make great friendships even still. Distance doesn't have to matter if you don't let it. ? I have two really great friends who I don't see very often but when we do get together it's usually a great time!

To be honest I don't think it's THAT hard to make friends as an adult. Meetup is a great tool to do that. About 1.25 years ago I had zero social life and now it's the complete opposite. It just depends on how important it is to you and how much effort you're willing to put in to make it happen.

As long as they understand that there are now boundaries with respect to the things you're willing to talk to them about, it should be fine. If they refuse to get off the video game topics, or actively attempt to dissuade you from quitting them, you should probably cut ties.

It's really early to make any judgments about it but so far I'm taking quite well to the violin. I'm finding myself more motivated to learn it than the wind instruments. I'm sure at least part of that is due to all the personal growth I've done since then (particularly a stronger work ethic) but I'm also finding myself really falling in love with the sound it can make, the way it feels in my hands, etc. Additionally, and it's not quite manifesting itself physically just yet but I feel so damn close to everything coming together for me. I'm more certain than ever, and perhaps as I'll ever be, that the creative road is my path to follow. The two outlets I've chosen-music and writing-feel as right as anything has ever felt in my life. My physical fitness is very much on track. All that's really left is really developing my writing and music habits and tightening up my nutrition.

Hi there @Tbunge how's it going? Are you still on track with quitting WoW?

So today I signed up for violin lessons. They start this Tuesday. Yay! I'm also getting a lot more consistent with my writing habit. Overall things are going super well!

I started using some affirmations to reinforce my self-value and self-worth independently from my relationship status. I've never found affirmations useful before but this seems to be working a bit. I'm also being very deliberate about allowing any thoughts regarding my relationship status or fantasies about future relationships to simply play out. I find that if I accept the thoughts freely and recognize that they are not true if I don't want them to be, they almost instantly go away since they no longer have any power over me. Terraria 1.4 is coming out soon and I was thinking of allowing myself a couple hours a week on a specific day (Saturday or Sunday) to play it. I think I'm at a healthy enough point where I can reward myself with that without it getting out of hand. I don't really have anything else that I do for no reason other than pure enjoyment so that's one option. I was also thinking of allowing myself the same thing with Netflix instead. Either way, it would just be a couple hours a week of downtime to balance out all the worky kinda stuff I do the rest of the week.

So the girl told me that I'm too young for her. This must be something similar to what heartbreak feels like. I wouldn't say I was especially attached to her but I really thought we had a great connection. Oh well, all I can do is focus on the positives from this experience and push on. ?

So my date last night went exceptionally well I feel. I'm looking forward to seeing where things go from here!

Whelp, got a date tomorrow evening. Excited to see how it goes!

I've bolded the parts where you talk about anger. If you re-read what you said it shouldn't surprise you that he felt you were accusing him of having anger issues. The bolded parts above are things you described about yourself that are typically associated with anger. This is what @CornishGameHen was responding to, and it seems to be the emotion that you feel is most closely associated to your gaming. I'm not pointing any of this out to make anyone feel bad. Only showing that sometimes we need others to help us identify issues we have that we don't even realize we have. This happened to me when I started reading about the INFP stress response. It wasn't until then that I realized I was chronically stressed out, and can now take steps to deal with it. Now, I'm not saying whether or not you have an anger issue. That's up to you to decide. I would, however, encourage you to try to keep an open mind when people post something. Everyone here is coming from the same place and we are all trying to help each other out. I used to get REALLY defensive (and sometimes still do!) when people began to point things out about me that aren't necessarily a positive thing. However, the things that we get hyper defensive about are usually the things that we need to work on the most. It's really up to you to reflect on what was said and how you feel, and then decide if the thing really is something that you need to do something about. To respond directly to your query, I used to get really angry and selfish when playing video games. There were two occasions specifically while playing WoW that forced me to take a long look at myself and make some changes. Yes, WoW actually encouraged some personal development for me... lol. During a dungeon run I was leading my group around trying to complete my quests and being really obnoxious about it. My guild mates were PM'ing our guild leader and he gave me some lessons about how to handle people. The second time, I was being a real jerk during dungeon runs with my guildmates, telling them how much they suck, etc. (yeah... sometimes I was that blunt) until they finally decided they had enough of me. I wasn't kicked out of the guild but if I wanted to earn their respect I had to become a more compassionate person, and I did. Otherwise, I did a lot of throwing objects around, slamming controllers on the ground, etc. and my brother and I got into a few fights as well. It spilled over into my real life as well. For a long time I was extremely short tempered and very stubborn. To be honest looking back I'm not even sure when all that changed... lol. I just over time calmed down a bit and here I am today.

NaNoWriMo has arrived woohoo! I wrote a modest 275 words last night but they might have been the best words I've ever put together so far. My writing has definitely gotten better, and quickly. ?