B_Lestrange

Today is Day 10. I'm happy to report that I did NOT fall off the wagon yesterday. Instead, I went through my kitchen and threw out expired food and various tools, utensils, etc. It's not much, but it was satisfying to get something done. I might be able to game this minimalism thing: How low can I go? The brother of a friend of mine died this weekend so I spent about two hours on the phone. He was severely mentally ill and lived in institutions since he was a teenager; my friend had been his caretaker/executor for nearly 50 years. He died in his sleep, with no pain. Hopefully we'll all be so lucky. Thanks to the Canadian wildfires, the air quality was very bad this morning. I had this idea I was going to walk, but I lasted about 15 minutes before I had to go back home.

Today is Day 9. The weeks leading up to a release are always a challenge. It's 5:30 pm and all I want is to turn my brain completely OFF. Not gonna lie: I'm hearing Lloyd Bridges from Airplane! in my head. "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit video games..."

Today is Day 8. I had my first therapy session with a new therapist today. She's kind of brusque and no-nonsense, which I guess is a good thing? Part of me struggles with the idea of even needing therapy: "You're an adult! Just get over it! Just do it!" etc. However, I get a set number of sessions for free, so I'm going to see it through, at least for now. At Saturday's outing with the relatives, we got to talking (as usual) about how we were related to each other. Genealogy has always been an interest of mine and I actually have my mother's research files from 40+ years back. Yesterday another relative asked me if I had any data I could pass on. Um, yes...but it's all on paper and very little of it is digitized. Talking to them, I saw an opportunity to put my relatively new but still fairly underused web development skills to work. I have a general idea of what a family tree website would look like, but I don't want to have an individual page for each person. I think a database containing individual records would be best but I don't know how to tie that to a website. As usual, I'm really good at turning something simple into something super complex, overwhelming, and ultimately incomplete. I may end up taking all these files to Staples, copying them, putting them into some kind of a binder, and dropping the binder in the damn mail. In the meantime, though, I may still try to build a website.

Today is the start of Day 7. Last night, I was invited to an outing with some relatives of mine who I don't see regularly for a couple of reasons: 1) they're distant in terms of relationship and 2) they're distant in terms of distance. However, we had such a good time that we decided that that distance, at least the first type, doesn't have to stay that way. I so rarely go out on Saturday nights these days that it was honestly weird to be around so many people in such a busy setting. The weather was beautiful, though, and I was reminded that there's a whole world happening outside my apartment. I know how I got to this semi-hermetic state; now I want to figure out how to get out of it, preferably before winter sets in and the sun goes away for three months. (No, I don't live in the Arctic Circle, but winters in my neck of the woods are typically dark, cold, and overcast.) This morning I had breakfast with one of my other siblings. We didn't talk about the rest of the family; instead we talked about what it means to grow old in a country that should have as its slogan not "E pluribus unum" but "If you've got money, we're going to do our best to take it from you." (Not going to discuss politics in this journal or anywhere else on this forum; I prefer to keep my blood pressure at a normal level.) After breakfast, I went for a long walk. Then I came home with a strong urge to play a game...but I'm going to read outside instead.

Today is the start of Day 6. I noticed something yesterday: I was consuming more social media and videos than usual. To be fair, it was a long work week and next week will probably be worse. We have a major software release going out next month but I've optimistically penciled in PTO for the remainder of the July 4th week (we get July 3 and 4 off as holidays). Normally I have a time limit on my phone for the social media apps but yesterday I said "fuck it" and turned it off. However, if it becomes a problem, I may remove the apps from my phone. I've done it before... YouTube on the other hand...I watch quite a bit while doing art stuff (#7 on the list: make more art). I'm on the fence about whether that's a bad thing, since I often watch to learn new things and there are so many interesting things to learn. As I was telling my niece, this is something I've always done, except instead of getting it from the Internet, I got it from the library. I'm not going to worry about it right now.

Today is the start of Day 5. My sibling still isn't speaking to me, but their social media activity over the last 24 hours suggests that something I said had an impact on them. Looks like they may have had a necessary conversation with the person who they needed to have the conversation with (not me). I'm not going to mention it; I'll see if they bring it up...but I'm hoping it'll mean that our relationship will improve. Going back to when I first started this journal, I mentioned having a colonoscopy. Is it clear, then, that I'm older than many of the people I see journaling in here? Okay. So I recently switched primary care physicians and with that I seem to have been upgraded to a new level of care technology. I have access to data that I've never had access to before...and all of it is telling me that I'm well on track to becoming yet another American statistic, metabolically speaking, unless I get serious about turning things around (#6 on the list: eat better, exercise more). The scariest thing is seeing that although I'm not pre-diabetic, I'm definitely heading in that direction. I have seen what diabetes can do and yeah...that's a hard NO for me. It would be great if I could find a way to gamify my health care AND make it stick. I'm sure the tech is out there!

Today is the start of Day 4. Yesterday, Day 3, I scheduled a remote appointment with a new therapist. I am grateful for good insurance and being able to work from home full time. I realized that 2:30 pm is my witching hour (half-hour?). That's when I start getting the urge to play a game. I'm having visitors tomorrow so I got up from my desk and spent time decluttering and tidying (#3 on the list: you deserve a tidy place). It's crazy to me how there are YouTube videos on literally EVERYTHING, including the finer points of cleaning. One bad thing that happened: I got into a bit of a tiff with one of my siblings. Normally I let a lot of the things they say to me go because (thanks to my previous therapist) I know they're just exercising their personal shit out on me (I'm the oldest; we had an "interesting" childhood). However, yesterday I pushed back in a way I haven't done in a while. They haven't responded and part of me wants to reach out but part of me is also like: I've got my OWN shit to deal with, okay? I also got a lot of good sleep last night, which is another benefit of not being on a screen. *deep breath* I got this...

Guess who's back... (insert Eminem/Slim Shady/Marshall Mathers lyric here) Long story short, I relapsed sometime around Christmas when I was snowbound for a few days. Now I find myself again having to climb back on the wagon...older but hopefully a little wiser. I say "wiser" because I'm starting to realize that I don't think it's possible for me to be a healthy gamer as described previously, at least not when it comes to those video games that are designed to purposely keep that dopamine flowing. The things I still have left to do in my time on this earth require more focus than I've been able to give lately. Thing is (I may have mentioned this in a different post) I have known since undergrad that, as my signature says, video games are my kryptonite. It's why, for as long as I've lived on my own, I've never owned a gaming console. I knew then that it would be far too easy for me to become a hermit. Now, older and wiser, I believe that no matter how small the carat size, any amount of kryptonite is bad for me. So today is Day 2 of yet another 90 day detox. Hopefully this one will stick. I will try writing a little something in here every day just to keep myself accountable. Yesterday, Day 1, I made a list of 10 things I could be doing other than playing video games. Predictably, last night, none of them sounded anywhere near as appealing as playing a video game. Dopamine withdrawal is real...yet I made myself clear off a couple of surfaces (#2 on the list: go minimalist; get rid of shit) and read a little bit of I Will Teach You To Be Rich (#8 on the list: do better with your money; #10 on the list: stop stacking books and start reading them). Not having video games to numb me out means certain feelings/emotions are starting to come to the surface. I was in therapy for much of 2021 and part of 2022; unfortunately my therapist changed practices. I should probably start looking for a new one to talk to. I'm also getting caught up on some of Cam's videos. It's been a while...

Yesterday, I spent a total of four hours playing this one puzzle game on my iPhone. Despite my best efforts -- "it's a holiday weekend! give yourself a break! stop being so hard on yourself!" -- I went to bed feeling bad about myself, thinking I'd wasted four hours. This morning, I deleted the game from my phone. I'm giving myself credit for recognizing it and taking the correct action. "Healthy gaming" for me may mean playing once every once in a while.

So I decided not to take my iPad with me on my trip to see my parents. I did, however, load a simple puzzle game on my iPhone. During the time I was there, I'd say I spent a good 3-4 hours of each day vegging out watching TV with them. I only spent SOME of that time dual-screening. Most of it involved watching the game shows they'd DVR'd...and competing with them on the answers. It reminded me that this love of gaming is something I actually inherited, because we used to do this (watch game shows and try to answer the questions) when I was a kid. It was a lot of fun, then and now. I've been home for a few days now. I haven't taken the game off my phone; in fact I've actually played a little bit each night after work. However, at least right now, I don't see myself spending hours upon hours playing, the way I used to. For one thing, I simply have too much to do. I've got several different personal projects going on plus work is kicking up quite a bit. The one thing I could probably stand to do is get out and meet people (as much as possible given that we're still in a pandemic), but for now I'm experiencing a level of personal and professional satisfaction that I haven't felt in a very long time. I'm not going to say I've fallen off the wagon...because I'm nowhere near where I was when I first discovered GQ in an attempt to regain some control over my life. I will say that I'm trying to see if I can truly become a "healthy gamer." Only time will tell...

Today marks 200 days since I (unintentionally) started the 90 Day Detox. I'm proud of myself and have made real progress in several areas of my life but...the pull of gaming hasn't truly left me. If I said that the thought of playing occurred to me during 100 of those 200 days, I'd probably be understating the number (of thoughts as well as days). I'm going to visit my parents next week, and dual-screen activity (playing games on their iPads while the TV's on) takes up a big chunk of their time. Note that my parents are in their 80s and have long since retired from their jobs, their sports (they were both avid bowlers) and really anything that requires a lot of activity. Church, grocery shopping, and visiting friends and family (until the pandemic, of course)...that's pretty much it. For the last couple of weeks, I've been thinking about loading up a game on my iPad just to see whether I can be a "healthy gamer" as Dr. Alok describes it. I have been using the Pomodoro technique to keep me focused on work and personal tasks and it's really helped a lot in terms of that progress I mentioned earlier. I thought maybe I could use gaming as a treat I could give myself during "long break" periods. Alternately, for this specific trip I'm making, I might not put any restrictions on the amount of time I play. I could treat it as a legit vacation activity. Part of me is scared I'm going to go completely off the cliff (again). Part of me is also like: Don't underestimate yourself. You know where the edge of the cliff is now. I'll report back after my trip.

I wanted to report two things today: I went through my journals going back to 2015. Between then and February of this year I think I mentioned gaming -- and how much I hated myself for doing it at the expense of having something resembling an actual life -- at least 50 times. 🙄 My current web development class assignment is to create a simple blackjack game using Javascript. 😆 It's a different (and FAR more challenging) experience building a game than playing one. It's also -- dare I say it? -- kind of cool.

Thank you. I'm inclined to agree with you about the dangers of re-exposure. That said, in about three weeks I'm going to visit my nieces for the first time since before the pandemic started. They have always known me as a gamer (among other things, of course). If they ask to play a video game with me I'll probably say yes. We'll see how I do. Good luck with your 90 day detox! Hang in there. Very good point. Thank you so much. Also, I used to meditate...that's something else I'd like to get back into.

So yeah, it's been a while...but I wanted to share that today, I completed the 90 Day Detox. 🙂 What finally made me do it? Several things, but in general the realization that life is way too short, I'm not getting any younger, there are still a lot of things I want to do before I leave this plane of existence, and I don't have the luxury of beating myself up anymore. I actually hadn't planned on doing 90 days. I woke up on February 1 feeling super sad about everything and in an attempt to take some kind of control I said: "Just for today, I'm not going to play any video games." I took all my games off my phone, work and personal laptops, and the refurbished iPad I'd specifically bought for gaming (along with other things, but mainly for gaming to be honest). Each day I made the conscious decision: "I'm not going to play any video games." It was really hard, but I kept it up. On February 13 I went on YouTube intending to watch some of the GQ videos and found the HealthyGamerGG series of videos on video game addiction. I sat down, watched the entire series, and TOOK NOTES. Honestly if I hadn't already gone 13 days without playing, and if I weren't genuinely struggling not to play, I'm not sure that series would have sunk in as deeply as it did. And then when I realized that the following Wednesday was Ash Wednesday I said, well shit...let me see if I can keep this going through Easter. I'm not super religious but if I'm going to give up something for Lent, it might as well be video games. And then when I hit 60 days I went back to YouTube and GQ and that's when I remembered: oh yeah, Cam did say something about 90 days... 😆 In the HealthyGamerGG series, Dr. Alok talked about finding a "competing interest." I believe I've found a few of those, some old (art, writing, music, exercise) and some new (full-stack web development bootcamp). Still, I've spent the week leading up to today wondering: what happens on day 91? Can I be a "healthy gamer" who's able to enjoy playing games without guilt while still working towards achieving my life's goals? Many times during these 90 days I've thought about gaming -- along with "What harm can playing one game do?" -- and I can easily imagine what that first, glorious hit of dopamine would feel like. If this isn't addiction, I don't know what is...Am I going to have to stay away from video games for the rest of my life? I keep reminding myself that this is something I have struggled with ever since my freshman year of undergrad. It's why I've never owned a true gaming console as an adult, and why I quit playing multiplayer games long before World of Warcraft and League of Legends came out. The bottom line is that I don't want to lose any more huge chunks of time doing something that ultimately isn't improving my life in a real way. Maybe when I'm comfortably retired I'll see if I can compete in whatever senior citizen version of e-gaming exists. Until then...one day at a time, as they say. If you've read this far, thanks for listening.

More great insight...thank you so much. I am regularly reminding myself of why I'm doing this and where I'm trying to go. I keep telling myself I need to take a morning or afternoon to really chart out my path, but I've been very busy these last few days with work and other commitments. On the bright side, I've been too busy to play games, lol. I should be able to take the time at the end of the week after our releases go out. Last Sunday I dreamed that someone put a laptop in front of me with a game on it (don't remember which one; it had a lot of primary colors) and I started playing it. It felt so real that for a moment after I woke up I thought, oh well, that's that, I was only able to go a week. Today marks 10 days since I last played a game. Also today at work I listened (couldn't watch because I was at work) to the first half of Cam's Start Here video series on YouTube. I took notes and began making a separate list of productive and engaging ways to fill my time, and looked up helpful Web sites and books. It helped to be reminded that there are good and bad days on this journey and that it takes time to unlearn behaviors and reprogram oneself.