Zala

I'm not sure I get that Pete. Can you explain the "attention" part a bit? Funny thing is even with older people (our group before: 12 people, 23-40 years old) the atmosphere can become very similar to high school class. You've got the pretty ones, the geeky ones, the annoying ones, the ones who are always late ... I find it kind of funny. Luckily I'm on the upper scale (32) and I don't get bothered if the pretty girl in the class thinks I'm not cool. 20 or even 15 years ago that would have made a world of difference. I do think I'm more stable as I grow older, at least as far as social aspects go. After you try for years to be popular or at least fit in with a majority and you don't succeed, you just give up and accept yourself and situation. And the results are actually better, plus you stay true to your uncool introverted obsessive self. That's a good thing, right :D. One good thing about getting older at least. Vlad I actually did an extensive research when I've moved here. I live in a very small town and the only volunteer work I could get my hand on would be related to one of the three churches (different religious branches). For anything else I would have to know somebody or pay for the public transport (which is incredibly expensive). Plus Switzerland is big on organizations, contracts, insurances, permissions ... I would love to help an elderly person, I have no contact with this age group at this point. Maybe help her/him by walking a dog, doing some housework ... But why would anyone trust me? And I must say I'm somewhat scared, because I'm not sure that there isn't some sort of rule I'm breaking, if I offer to help someone. I will definitely check a forum I often use, for foreigners. And I might ask my Swiss neighbor after he returns from vacation. I know he did some volunteer work years ago ... It goes on my to-do list anyway, thank you for reminding me of this option. 6/90 A bit overwhelmed today. Got a bunch of papers about contracts, taxes, vacation time, dress code ... It takes a looong time to even get through a couple of pages. I hope that by this time tomorrow I will read them at least once. I'm grateful for my mum, always there to hear about my problems. I'm grateful for people on this forum, working hard and helping each other. I'm grateful for having the opportunity to learn a foreign language in a great school.

Day 5/90 Since about 140 days was the longest streak without gaming, I might go for 150 after I come to 90. It's good to have dreams even though they can't be goals yet :). This time around I also watch a lot less of videos, tv shows ... basically any type of moving pictures :). All the time I suddenly have makes me kind of nervous makes me nervous as hell. I start with my German class tomorrow, so I will automatically have at least 4 hours less of my "personal" time. I definitely can't game or binge watch during the course :). I 'm just starting to realize how much time I spent in front of computer screen. So my relapse wasn't that harmless. My days are suddenly very open, even empty. Unfortunately my hubby has a lot of work to do and my only two friends in the 10 mile radius are still on vacation. I wrote a couple of emails to my friends who are still Slovenia (sigh), but it's not the same as having a cup of coffee with them. It's ok. I still have old responsibilities to work on. Luckily I'm starting to realize, that I'm more conscientious than I thought. Fear of doing something (wrong) or not doing it, does help me to snap out of things sometimes. So @Pete when I was gaming a lot, i just didn't take on any new responsibilities, goals, work ... because I kind of knew I wasn't going to fulfill them or do them in time. Which of course is a problem as well. I'm kind of nervous of meeting new students&teacher tomorrow. And seeing a couple of girls that annoyed me in previous class. But hey ... you can't have it all. 1. Grateful for feeling good. No pain, no sadness. 2. Grateful for Nutella (a bit too grateful in the last couple of days ). 3. Grateful for a lovely to-do list notebook I got from my friend. I can finally use it as it is supposed to be used. I'm grateful for having such a lovely friend as well.

@Vlad James Brown you say ... interesting choice . Not sure if I was ever happy enough for his music though . Trying it out nonetheless. Day 4/90 Learned German for a couple of hours. I've also read a couple of papers I had on my desk for a long time. First time I checked everything on my to-do list. I hope I'm on the right track setting this kind of schedule for myself. I guess some self-guessing is normal. Like Am I doing the right thing? The right amount? Is the order ok? Should I be doing something else? Funny thing is, those questions never arose during gaming. Not even when it lasted 8+ hours. Not that I was doing the right, smart thing. It's like I knew it made no sense and I was just for passing time, enjoying it. Or maybe I was just too sucked into it to actually start thinking. Luckily in a foreign country learning national language can't be a bad thing. I do want to integrate more into this new environment. And I do have a lot of reading to do before I even try to start writing my essay, that's due till mid September. What I need to work on is exercise. Might be best if I do it in the morning. Let's try this gratitude thing one more time. I'm grateful for reaching my daily goals. I'm grateful for a lovely new dish I made. I'm grateful for a lovely walk I had with my hubby.

This sounds a bit worrying. Why are you angry? Do you mind telling us how old you are (maybe I missed it)? If I understand correctly you are living at home? Is it a big household? What was the fight with your sister really about? I'm not sure if I understand everything Lisle says. But I think what he is saying is not that failure is not a big deal, or that it has to happen. I've seen people on this forum that managed to go 90 days without problems or relapses. And maybe even after that, who really knows. And it might be the same for you, of course that would be ideal!! But it makes sense to plan for the worst. Not that you accept it or expect it, but if it does happen, know that you are not a failure and that it doesn't mean that you are an awful person, that can never get out of this trap. So if you fail for a day, don't throw everything away and for example game for a couple of months, because you are such a loser. It's like if you have a flat tire. You don't slash all the other tires, brake the windows and use a wrench on everything else. You just say "Fuck it" and try again. This approach might not work for you, I'm a bit sorry for forcing this theory. It's a suggestion, you should definitely take only what helps you personally!! What Lisle is saying helps me, because I know I can never feel like I'm done with this. It's a life-time project. I don't think you should go back to gaming. Are you angry because you told yourself that you are not allowed to game? Are you feeling like you took something that you loved out of your life and got nothing in return? Or are you angry because your life doesn't look as good as you would expect? Maybe you should write down again, why did you decide to quit gaming. I'm pretty sure problems were already there. If anything they were on a pause or masked by gaming. For example I'm not good with new people. It doesn't go away if I'm staying at home watching youtube. But at that time I don't have to deal with new people and it might look like I don't have a problem. Again there are people that have great life right after they quit gaming. Sunshine&roses and disney princesses after that. But if you are not like one of them, then quitting gaming will be like moving a painting, that was standing in front of an old closer. And with opening that closet all messy, disgusting, smelly stuff will come out. And yes, it's good that you deal with it. Plan something for the weekend! This will be your first weekend after quitting right? Try to meet with someone! Go out, do sports, anything!!

@ Hey Pete, pleasure to meet you :). Yeah I guess this is a reminder that I will probably never be safe, ever. My granddad could have told me that. He was an alcoholic, started drinking after he came back from the war. He quit after he got sick. But he was sober for 35 years after that, basically till he died. And he used to say, that he is still an alcoholic, he is not cured, he just doesn't drink anymore. @mitras I used to enjoy drawing a lot. As a kid or a teenager. But once I got to a point, where I should be doing exercises (shadows, perspective, drawing circles, stick-men) I gave up and went into reading. I guess this was also one of Cam's suggestions, to try new things to see, how you feel about them. So I could just try it for a couple of weeks and see how it goes. I got a selection of pencils for Christmas and I haven't even opened them yet. And like you said, if I find it boring, I can try cooking. I'm sure my partner would enjoy that more than drawing haha. 3/90 Only half day through but I decided to make an entry anyway. Everything ok. I actually have great news. I got a job. Finally! My first job in a new country. I've been at home for a year now, since I moved from Slovenia. I did some translating&writing, but more as a hobby, not nearly enough to call it employment or to cover my bills. So it's simply great! In September I get to go out and spend time with other real, lively human beings, which means less pixel time by default. Next week I also start with an intensive German class, so I will be covered for at least 3 hours per day + homework till September. Being happy can be another trigger, how can you celebrate good news, if you are alone at home? Well of course with a little bit of gaming. Because I deserve it. Right? I'm stomping on this logic by cleaning the apartment and doing German exercises till my partner comes home. And of course reading your lovely diary entries! Take care everyone!

Don't worry about being positive. At least here you should be honest with yourself and us. I find your entries amusing, you seem like a person with a great sense of humor. How about telling people you are trying some new diet without carbs/meat/coffee? I guess that is more common and might be easily accepted. Or just tell them you have family problems and hopefully you won't be bothered too much. It's not a lie: you are on a "no gaming" diet and you do have problems with yourself (in a way you are a part of your family ). And I get that you are angry and maybe a little bit scared as well. I'm not going to tell you that you can do this and that things will get better and easy. I think sometimes we fall into this "flowers&sunshine&happy thoughts" trap and then we put even more pressure on someone that is trying to make a change. It's going to be hard as hell, that's what I'm telling you. Stick to it. And keep writing! Maybe others will disagree but I've listened to dr. Lisle a lot, he deals with all sorts of addicts. And he said that he always tells people, you are going to fail. And that's ok. It keeps expectations on a normal level, you are already hard on yourself. Hope it helps. I feel kind of bad for this girl. Maybe she noticed that you are a bit different and tried to be nice. Maybe get a date out of it. Next time just say to her: Don't you have work to do, why are you staring at me? Just kidding, of course, please don't take the last part seriously.

Day 2/90 was successful. Long and hard. I guess sleeping a bit more is how my brain deals with this situation. Nothing major, just one hour or so more than usual 7-8 hours of sleep. Made a to-do list and I was doing ok till about 16.00. After lunch and talking to my brother it just kind of fell apart. So I haven't read a couple of papers, which were the last (a bit large) part of my list. Haven't gamed or watched movies, did some housework and ironing after that. I will write&reply more tomorrow.

Hi Bob, what a story! Even though I joined you at the last meters of your 90day trail, I wish you good luck and can't wait to read more!!

Hey @iamthemithras, thanks for replying. Your first diary entry really made me smile. You decide to do something and of course you get something thrown at you right away . I hope it will be nothing but smooth road for you from now on. Maybe I did a bad job explaining a couple of things. "Keep it simple" process/tactic doesn't work for me. At least not yet. As anxious as I am, I still fall into routine too easily. I wouldn't say I get bored, I don't really know what boredom is. But I do get this fuzzy, foggy feeling. There is always two sides: either it's too comfortable and I go into gaming because of boredom, or it's too stressful and I fall back into gaming as well, because at least I know how to deal with it. Lose-lose basically. I will have to figure out, where the middle ground is. Same with coffee: I know it's not a good idea for me. It's an excuse basically, I can't go outside, into the library, for a walk because I need my coffee first. So yes, you are right, I don't need it. Maybe it's just this idea, that people who work a lot, drink coffee, I don't know. I've gone for months without it. It's just another gateway into watching youtube and gaming. But nine years old. Damn, you are an early drinker . I'm expecting a headache tomorrow, but ok. I might throw away coffee I have left. My partner doesn't drink it anyway. It's the best thing, controlling your environment. You can't drink coffee, if you don't have any. Right? Hm, I really need to think about videos&binging on shows as effects. They are obviously connected to me gaming, but I'm sure you are right and they are not really the reason or cause of my troubles. I might try to focus on dealing with an actual cause. Problem (or as Cam might say challenge) is, that I'm more of a passive type of person to begin with. Even when I did some writing on regular basis, I was mostly passively reading 10-20 books and then did a review. Maybe because when you are producing something, especially if it is, like you said, with your hands, you get this product. And you may not like it. As far as drawing goes I definitely wouldn't like my product. So how can you deal with bad products? At least when you are passive, nothing really defines you, because who knows what's going on in your head. If I draw an ugly picture, I'm a bad drawer . Does that sound stupid? Yeah my brother has his own battle. I'm not sure if he even knows it or to what extent he understands it. He's very much into the "not a big deal", "just having fun" type of mentality. But he is definitely addicted to gaming. He started before I did, he is now in his early twenties, 10 years younger than me and gaming is already causing problems. At least I did my exams in college before I got hooked. We are not really close, basically this is one of the few bonds we have and I'm afraid to break it. Basically our relationship needs work. I just feel terrible watching him going through this and not being able to be an example of a "big sister". Maybe there is even some amount of sibling rivalry and unconsciously we don't want the other one to succeed. Who knows. Not all people in our lives will be supportive. I don't think they are bad people. They are just afraid of changes that could affect them. I will try to stay quiet this time around, I think it's the best idea for me at this point. The same goes for my partner, I think I've disappointed him time and time again as far as binging&gaming goes. I'm sure he will notice the progress eventually. @Mettermrck Do you have a day specific schedule? Or just general rules? How far in advance do you make it? I did a schedule a couple of times, where I basically put down everything. Eating, shower, exercise, work, meditation. I've even put a timer to make sure I stick to it. Didn't work. Then I just made a to-do list and tried to check everything, no matter when I did it. Nope. Then I made a list of important things. No go. Then I said, f* it just try to do two hours of reading&learning, you can sit on your ass otherwise. Guess what? Didn't work. I usually do ok for a couple of days but never for a whole week or so. And if something comes in between (like a call from a friend that needs one hour of pick-me-up talk) I get nervous. Because it's messing up my schedule and we all know I can't live without it. But yes, I always nag my workaholic partner, that we need a schedule. For basic things like sleeping. Maybe I should just let him do what he does, and go to bed every day at half past ten and get up at six. That would be a nice start to get some momentum.

Your journey is interesting. I never had problems with porn. But just the general feel of your posts, your frustration, planning, replanning, thinking and overthinking, complaining sounds very familiar. I hope you are having a successful day today!

I'm at home, waiting for a call from my future (I hope) boss. Don't want to have a conversation with him outside or in the library, since I still have problems understanding German. I've read Quit for 90 days topic. Learning from the best. I've also reread my diary from the beginning. Found a couple of important triggers, points, patterns. And I should also learn to celebrate my success(es). Here we go, important triggers. 1. Tv shows, movies (To quote myself:I have seen enough movies and series to last me a lifetime. I seriously have seen more movies, tv shows, than my parents did in their whole life. Besides movies&shows being major time-consumers, I often come to a point where I am content, comfortable, bored and I can't simply just watch an episode. And I choose easy, predictable games to play alongside the series to get the rush and a feeling of being productive. Like: look at me I'm doing two things at the same time!) 2. Youtube videos in succession (I don't think I have to stop watching Cam's videos just yet, but I need to stay away from "just one more" mentality.) 3. Pictures of cute animals, gifs, short videos (they lead to triggers nr. 2 and 3). 4. Believe it or not: coffee (I often make myself a cup of coffee. No sugar, no milk, very strong so it's bitter and not a pleasant experience. I wait till it gets cold and then I force myself to drink it. My thinking is: I will just have this cup of coffee and then I will be productive. Like coffee will help me do this, or even more: like coffee is the first successful thing I did that day. In reality it just makes me hyper, anxious and makes me crave something sweet. As I wait for it to get cold, I watch youtube, since I can't be productive without coffee right? Plus it affects my sleep in a negative way.) 5. No timetable or too rigid of a timetable (I basically fall from one extreme to another. I'm either a bit bored, since I don't have anything planned. Or I know exactly what I should be doing in the next 5 hours and I don't feel like doing it. Lack of energy, motivation, laziness. It might even be, that I feel having a good plan is good enough. Like going to school, not really doing your best, but it seems like you are doing, what you are supposed to be doing. This will be the biggest problem, I'm afraid. I would love to have some pointers. Basically I haven't had a productive week at home for about 10 years. So if I manage to be productive for two or three days, I get cocky/surprised and then I fall back into bad patterns.) And here are also a couple of thought processes/tactics that get me in trouble. They might not be true for other people, but I really shouldn't listen to them as far as this is concerned. 1. Everything is pointless and anything I do is a waste of time anyway. => Gaming is as good of a waste of time as anything else. (For me that simply isn't true. I've never had a need or patience to do anything for that amount of time as gaming. If anything affects your relationships, money situation, career, personal growth and wastes 10+ hours per day, it's a problem. And for some reason that doesn't really happen with other things, only gaming&binge watching. So yes, gaming&binge watching are problematic.) 2. Keep it simple: go to work, do housework, enjoy people&hobbies. (Doesn't really work, I need a certain amount of stress and fear in my life. As soon as I get too comfortable, I've actually stopped trying or I lost focus.) 3. What's the big deal, a little bit of gaming won't hurt me. (See nr. 1. It never is a little bit, is it?) 4. Not being mindful of what I'm doing at this particular moment. (It might be old habits, muscle memory. I sometimes just find myself in front of computer, clicking on an online game or video. I will try to go to this forum instead.) 5. Sharing my goals with other people. (I thought this would make me more accountable. And that it will help for example my brother understand, that I don't really want to play games, talk about gaming. He keeps recommending me new games to try. New games that I will like. I love him but I think he also has a problem. As an older sister I should be able to help him, not get sucked into this vortex with him. I will try to do my new 90 days without telling him. If he starts conversation about gaming, I will pretend that I'm interested in his recommendations. And try to think of it the same, as if he were explaining to me how is his paragliding going.) Actually I made it to 140 days once. But after the first week, days around 42-45 seem to be my danger area. I need to remember that. So here we go, let's see if I know how to attach a picture DAY 1/90

Hey CG Eye a fellow former (am I right!!) PoGo player I see. So glad to meet you. Can't wait to follow you on your journey. I just started reading your posts. I quit PoGo at the end of June. Basically just deleted the game from my phone. Haven't returned since. A bit after the major gym rework. Basically I was living in a red town, with an occasional blue player. So I had to put in a lot of time&money to get to where I was. It wasn't so much fun at the end, as it was just pure obsession. Unfortunately I've made a mistake and I connected my PoGo account to my email address I frequently use. Never imagined that I wouldn't be able to change it. So the only thing I could do would be to delete any sort of progress, all tiers, potions. At this point of time I'm afraid to even install it, even if to do just this. I should also gift/sell my PoGo+. But it's almost like selling alcohol. You kind of know that people are able to use it and not abuse it, but still. Don't want to take a chance. I would rather just throw it in the trash at this point. And it was really hard for a couple of weeks. I also deleted all of the youtube subscriptions connected to PoGo. Luckily I had no friends that would play, so your road will be a lot bumpier from what I've read. But like you said I get triggered by the environment. Especially since I played the game a lot near my home. Every time I pass a certain monument, tree, church I get nervous. It's a lot better now but it's still there. So this augmented reality is a bitch and I'm afraid of the time, when this type of games will be even more common. I have been completely clean for 42 days, I had another relapse last week. I feel like a total whiny baby, but this is the hardest thing I had to do in my life. I played Plants vs Zombies last week. You know just to have fun for an hour or two. Obviously it was a terrible idea. Even though I didn't play this game for more than 2 years, it felt like I finally got a fix. I felt totally relaxed, in the right place, like it was lightning up all sorts of the right brain paths. Can't explain it. From what my friends tell me, it's like having a smoke after a month or two, only better. Of course I've been playing for 8+ hours since. And dreaming of gaming in between. I just don't know what to do. I need my computer for learning the language and staying in touch with my friends, family which are at this point 1000 kilometers away. I need my phone for staying in touch with friendly people around me. And short of throwing these two away, I can't imagine a life, where I won't be triggered on a daily basis. And if this "feeling" doesn't go away after two years ... I mean when will I be free?? When will an occasional game crossing my screen be like ... horse riding for example. Yeah ok, I can do this for an hour or two, as long as it's fun. Or I don't, because I don't feel like it. Either way I can stop, say no. I'm thinking of starting a new entry, since this one is all over the place. But on the other hand it doesn't make sense to pretend, that I'm able to have a clean slate in life. Thank you for reading, sorry for the bad grammar, a bad day, you know how it goes.

Hello all. And Cam especially . I'm back on the wrong track. I'm trying for a week now to start another 90 days or at least 60 days of detox. It just seems much harder to quit this time around. At least compared to the first time I did it. Maybe because I can't really trust myself to do it properly. I have simply disappointed myself so many many times. And since I did it once, I know it will get even harder after the first day. I was thinking of starting a new entry, a new diary, but it doesn't make sense. It's my past and I have to deal with it, can't just delete it and forget about it. Nothing has really changed in my life. I got hooked on pokemon go. Managing my time and making it just a hobby didn't work. Surprise surprise. Watching random videos is also a problem. I think I have to admit that I have invested some money into the game, even bought pokemon go+. And now I feel some sort of a duty, obligation to make sense of this expense. I don't know. Does that make sense? I know you are not supposed to stay with your investments if they are bad, even if you have put a lot of time and money into them. But it just feels so hard to let go. Thank you for reading. I'm grateful for this forum and all the help I got. I had to return because there is simply no better place for me to start again.

Thanks Cam. I appreciate it. For now my goal is not to annoy anyone. But luckily you can always stop reading, the positive site of any forum. I remember one of your videos Cam, where you told us, that you read every post on this forum. (I'm not sure if you still have enough time&energy to do that.) And I remember thinking 'Oh god ... poor guy ... a bunch of people complaining and getting frustrated with themselves and the world. Day after day after day.' Haha. I know all entries are not like that, but I think if you are not a bit frustrated, scared or angry, you don't even begin the search for help. I'm not sure I could handle that. Actually I'm pretty sure I couldn't. If I ever get out of this buzzed world, I imagine I wouldn't even want to talk about gaming and gaming related problems. And I'm very grateful that this is a part of your life-goals Cam! Anyway. My friends list is getting shorter and shorter. I kind of knew this would happen when decided to move so far away. I don't blame anybody. It's not easy and email/voice based relationships certainly lack that certain "something". I think I might have lost another friend just this weekend. We might be visiting our families on Christmas and I'm not sure what to do. Should I try to meet with people who are not writing back to me or talking to me on a regular basis? Or should I just let them go, since our relationship obviously won't last? As far as gaming is concerned. My friend told me something the other day that I just can't get out of my head. He told me that what you do, defines you. But if you don't do things (that you know you should do, if you don't follow some sort of plan or ambition for yourself), but instead you keep putting things off, then you eventually simply become a person that delays/puts things off/procrastinator. However you want to call it. I was thinking. What am I doing most of the day? I'm playing games. Mobile, computer, it depends. Yet I have never defined myself as a gamer. Most of the people I know, don't even know I do this. Not even as a hobby. I still wouldn't call myself an addict. So when people are talking about how they travel, run, bike, explore, work, read, play music, draw, create ... I have nothing to say. Of course I won't be telling people that I spent 3/4 of an hour today to turn this gym, shivering with cold, with pain in my back from forced position, changing one pixel into another. Definitely not. I will be saying that I took a walk. I will also be saying that I like reading, even if I do it for like 15 minutes before I go to bed. Which is quite absurd, because I need two weeks to finish a book, so it's not really a hobby. What my friend said, made perfect sense. The best summary of my life for the last couple of years. I've been putting things off. Gaming, watching series, movies, browsing through all the dark and pink sides of the internet. I am in a complete denial if I can't even admit that to myself. I didn't do anything else consistently or long enough to produce any sort of result. I'm not sure, why this is such a painful discovery. Hope it makes sense ...

I'm still here. Kind of. No progress. Your new video Cam brought me back again. I was saying to myself the whole time Exactly! I have wonderful structure for gaming. I make time. I do graphs, I compare data, I educate myself by watching others and reading about it. And I stay motivated, because as soon as I don't have the best tactic, it shows and there are no real consequences. No real negative consequences. Life is different. Still fighting.

Went full circle. Back to the awful place. How many circles can you make, before you are finally just slurped into the black hole of meaninglessness. I'm embarrassed to even be thinking about another 90 day abstinence. Even more writing about it. I'm sure it's some kind of record . Are there any medals for 30+ people that keep falling for the same stupid shit. I just watched this video of a guy who got totally excited about having pikachu on his shoulder after walking 10k. I still can't believe I'm one of those people. Except I'm not, because I don't get as excited about it. And I also don't make videos that have 2mil views.

I just love your phone calls. I seriously got tears in my eyes just reading about it. You seem to have found just the people that needed your call in some way or the other. Just lovely experiment! Do some calls to Europe, when you find some money lying around

I have a pokestop near my new home. I have access to items from my apartment. I don't have a Swiss cell-phone plan, so I can't play outside. And of course the worst thing has happened. Since we got wifi connection last week I've been spending more and more time inside. Just collecting balls, random items and catching pokemon. I have no idea what I did today. Some minor housework, eating, cooking but mostly pokemon go while watching True Blood. I feel disgusted with myself once again. I know this is not the place to talk about it, but I realized that the game is starting to get really unfair. More and more pokemon are running away and the points you need to lvl up are getting absurdly high. Of course there is some logic behind it. And of course I'm already hooked so I'm thinking of doing all sorts of crazy stuff. Luckily I don't have any money to spend. I've already put 100eu into this game in Slovenia. Which I admitted to my bf. Awful moment. I think it's time to cut my losses. Including 100 I put in this game. It's the first time after 15 years that I've spent money on virtual game. So it's kind of a big deal for me.

I'm still into planning stuff and not doing much about my life. My friend told me that it is easy to figure out what you want to do in/with your life when you are 30. And that it is a mistake to make people decide about certain aspects of their life when they are only 15. I don't feel the same way. I feel cut from my family, friends, enemies, idols and history. Where other people would see great freedom and opportunity to start their life from the beginning, I see ... What? Not a dark hole. But definitely a thick fog. I know I should probably just start living and not worry too much about where the decisions take me. But on the other hand I know you should have goals, even written well defined, planed goals to succeed. To move in a certain direction, you should probably know where you want to go. I lack the ambition. But mostly I just have no idea where to start. 1. After listening to a quarreling neighbors: thankful for our peaceful relationship. 2. I'm thankful for being healthy and for my family's health. 3. I'm thankful for having an opportunity to experience another beautiful country. 4. I'm thankful for having the courage to seize the aforementioned opportunity. 5. I'm thankful for reasonable prices of Nutella.

Hello. It's Switzerland, I don't think I wrote that before. Today I went to the center of our small city. I went to the bank, money change. Got away with a couple of English words. Nothing too stressful. I even found a local library. I was trying to find the courage to just walk in and ask what kind of documents do I need to become a member. Went to the clothes shop nearby. Browsed a bit and kept saying to myself, just go in! You can do it! Just do it! You know the drill. I finally got this burst of bravery, went to the automatic door aaaand nothing happened. The library is closed on Mondays lol. I think it is a good start anyway. It is kind of strange. I think my heartbeat was up the whole time I was outside. It's not like I'm in some kind of danger. People here are incredibly polite. It's just that feeling that I'm not in Kansas anymore.

My second day in a new home. 1. I'm thankful for my bf. He was waiting for me at the train station and even brought me a gift. It was so great too see him after two weeks. 2. I'm thankful for a beautiful little lake near our place. It will probably be my go-to destination for daily walks, runs. 3. I'm thankful for a dishwasher. A nifty appliance that I never had before. 4. I'm thankful for a pleasant 12 hour train ride. Didn't get much sleep but it was surprisingly comfy. 5. I'm thankful for my hamster's memory. It seems like she didn't completely forget who I am.

How is your journey going?

I am sure I can name at least a few things every week. It might be a bit boring. I apologize for that. 1. I'm thankful for my hard-working, reliable bf. 2. I'm thankful for my ankle doing better. Went for a run after two weeks and it carried me all the way, was not even complaining . 3. I'm thankful for warm, sunny days that help me go outside. 4. I'm thankful for my family. They are working very hard on accepting that I'm leaving. 5. I'm thankful for my baby brother and the fact that he peeks out of his shell a bit when we are alone. I'm leaving Slovenija in 6 days. I hope I won't break down as I did when I got my puppy.

Nothing special. Every time I read other journals on GQ it kind of makes me feel bad. I'm glad for all the success, revelations etc. don't get me wrong. It's just that I seem to lack some sort of optimism. I feel confused on my good days. On bad days I just get annoyed by every little thing. It might be because most of the people are younger than me and realistically speaking have more time to get their shit together and enjoy normal life. You see even this line of thought doesn't sound too optimistic. Still no phone. So no games, no apps. Have a good one!

I watch Cam's videos on regular basis. I guess having the right information doesn't help all the time. It's not like I don't go to work to play. It's not like I'm not able to grab a cup of coffee with a friend. And I don't check my phone during that time. But if we went for a walk, I would probably turn the app on. Put the phone in my pocket, turn the sound off and that's it. I imagine I would forget about it and in the evening I would happily see the egg breaking. I might sound naive, but I keep wondering, what's the big deal? I decided to change my phone's battery. It was slowly going downhill, if I made one call, I was worried if it will last till the end of the day. That was before pokemon thing. I can't afford that abroad. I will probably depend on navigation for some time and I need a reliable battery. I could afford a new phone, but I decided against it. Anyway I am living without my phone for 4 days now. And not much has changed. Of course I can go for a walk without a phone. You could also say that I could go for a run without my polar device. But I simply don't. It's like saying you could survive just by eating potatoes. You could. But most of us don't even try to do it. I enjoy going for a walk/run and knowing that there is some sort of memory/data that keeps that information. It makes me feel better, it sometimes makes me feel like I have achieved something. What is so wrong with that? If the alternative is that I stay at home, or bully myself to go for a walk because "it's healthy" and then I don't really enjoy it as much ... Once again what's the big deal? I work with people and no worries I am polite, engaging human being. I always get "you are so friendly/polite/kind" comments from our customers. But I don't think everyone has to be an incredibly social/chatty person. I think it's perfectly fine if you don't engage every human being that you meet on your way to work for example. Darn. I guess I do sound a bit ... in denial. I don't know. If an alcoholic told me that drinking makes him happy and what's the big deal ... I know. I guess I have a perfect chance to delete the game when I get my phone back. But on the other hand, I haven't gone for a walk since I left my phone at the store. So that's on the downside. Been watching more of random videos instead, I'm afraid. dailyjournalforworldpeace is great! I love his approach, thank you so much for pointing it out, will read it thoroughly.