Zala

I've actually read somewhere that if you get into drugs when you are (for example) 18 years old it affects your growth. Emotionally and mentally you stay at a level of 18. So if you are doing cocaine or suffer from alcohol addiction for 7 years, you won't be like a normal 25 year old young adult. But even with this kind of addictions there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It just takes some time. Your brain is a squishy, adjustable, resilient thing. I think drawing is a good idea. If you don't like it, you can try something else. Sharing is caring . I'm sure lots of people will find your progress interesting .

CG EYE I think it's best that you don't do it. It's nothing but moving pixels on a screen. Different color, shape but nothing special. Imagine explaining it to your grandma or a child who doesn't know pokemon. It's like collecting pictures, baseball cards. PK feel more alive and special, but I don't think they are. Try to stay strong!

17/90 Is everyone always living in fear of something? I feel like I'm always afraid of a certain thing. And my life always splits into time before this event and after it. Like if I'm worried about dentist's appointment (just an example) everything else before it becomes unimportant and I can't even think about what will life be like after it. But after the event I don't feel gratitude, relief, happiness. Just the event changes form X to Y and the fear goes on. Anxiety, fear, confusion and they are always there. When I'm working, talking to someone, trying to go to sleep ... And it's never really proportionate to an actual event. Like if I had a major heart surgery it would be understandable to feel fear and anxiety. But for me it's things that are not really that important or life changing. But my brain goes to this "and then" thinking, consistent with a butterfly effect theory, so a small-ish thing just grows into a monster. I'm sick of it to be honest. Is this my life now? I don't remember feeling this way 10 years back. But I didn't write a diary back then so I can't be sure. Except meditation, sports and things like that is there a way to deal with it? I don't want to go to a doctor, even though it might be a brain thing I want to try to find another solution. I talked to a friend about it and she is going through similar feelings. I guess she just hides it better than me. Because people always comment on how optimistic, upbeat, self-confident she is. So I don't know. Maybe a lot of people are living with this problem.

16/90 I spent 4 hours replying to a threat in a dog forum. We tried to help someone in need, I hope she will put it to good use. But I don't think I used my time wisely. I think I will have to update my list of triggers.Those commercials for games on a forum gave me a feeling of nostalgia. I have an ad blocker but some pop ups still manage to get through. Stay away from all forums (except this one, of course)? I don't even have a dog, nor am I a volunteer in an animal shelter. So I'm not sure why I spent time on dog forums anyway. It's just a part of my old life. I severed so many connections in the last year. I guess it's just a fear of losing the core of myself. Whatever that is. How many parts of yourself can you change and still be who you are? Still sleeping a lot. Not sure about quality of sleep, because I still feel exhausted. Will I ever be my normal self? I know I lost a lot of time and energy gaming, but at least physically I felt ok at that time, better than now, that's for sure.

I don't game, but I see what Hitaru wrote as a trap I could fall into. "Sometimes counting something as a relapse can be a mind trap to keep you stuck in the first days and further justify more relapses since you haven't advanced that much. " My goal is that after, I don't know a thousand days, I can go back and play a game for half an hour and have no regrets. Without feeling guilty for playing, it's my long long long term challenge :). But on the other hand I might have a different goal after a year or so. Also I read once in a diary that someone played Wii with their 4 years old cousin, like for a half an hour. He didn't have a Wii at home and nothing really came out of it. It was just easier than explaining to a kid why you don't play this kind of games. They also played with legos and with a ball, they read books etc. Now does this count as a relapse even though he kept not playing after he got home? I imagine it lit up some of the old brain connections but still. I personally wouldn't count this as a relapse. I also read that people go to the supermarket and try driving, VR games, others live with family members who game and maybe use family tv in the same room so does looking count? You can control your own environment, but you can't control the world. I think there are a lot of grey areas. I would hate for someone to play half an hour and then people going: Your 90 days doesn't count because you played for 0,5 hour. I don't know.

15/90 Cold or whatever has gotten worse. I feel terrible. I lack energy and motivation to do anything. I did ok in the test 91%, I was actually the best in class but it's still below my average. And it's the first test at this lvl, they usually get harder. I also said some things to my hubby that I shouldn't have said. As they were coming out of my mouth I already knew it was a mistake. And the thing is I don't even mean what I said, it just popped out. We're just both under a bit of stress lately. Some words can sit with you for years. And they can come back and haunt you. I hope these are not one of them. Thankful for a nice storm, feels like nature is taking a quick shower. Thankful to whoever invented Granny Smith apples. Not that I'm eating one at the moment, I would but I can't find them in this country&at this time. I'm just glad that they exist. Thankful for a leek soup that I had before. Luckily I made extra yesterday. (Not sure about this gratitude part. It feels fake from time to time. I mean of course I'm grateful for a lot of things. It just feels silly writing them down.)

Can it it be that our bodies are fighting this decision? Trying to make us feel sorry for ourselves? Like forcing us to give in and give ourselves a green light for special privileges, like we did when we were kids&sick. Don't give in! You can get all of this stuff figured out later. Now it's your time to do 90 days detox of gaming!!

Thanks Pete 14/90 The test today was a bit hard. All of the teachers kept telling us that there is a big difference between B1 and B2 lvl and I could really feel it today. None of my classmates complained, at least not out loud. Results tomorrow will make things much clearer. Maybe I'm the dunce of this group. Didn't feel well enough for a run. I decided to systematize my reading of booklets in German. Grading is a bit confusing, because different editions/publishing houses use different grading (1-5, 0-3, 0-D, A1-C2, some also use colors, symbols, faces etc). Then there is also the word count, which is also confusing. For example one collection can have 3 levels. And vocabulary is spread between 400-2000 for first lvl, 2000-4500 for second, 4500 and up for third lvl. That's a big jump from one lvl to the other. So ... I don't think of myself as an organized person, but I like to put things in tables of data. Maybe I will be able to define how many words are too much for me at this point. Because not understanding every 10th word or so makes reading difficult and unpleasant. 1 Grateful for always being able to call my mum and talk to her about anything. 2 Having great friends that stick by my side even though we can't go out for a cup of coffee easily. 3 Sticking to typing with ten fingers. And it was very difficult at the beginning.

Panic attack? Bad dreams? Late dinner? Flu&fever can do (temporary) funny things to your heartbeat as well. Arrhythmia? One or more of the valves are not perfect? None of this is really bad news. Even with valves, the condition is not necessarily worsening in a fast rate. You can easily die 50 years later with your own faulty valves. I had a person in my family, faulty valves+arrhythmia. Diagnosed in his twenties. He lived till 85, smoke, drank&ate too much. Died of old age/system shutdown. My friend got hit by a car and died in her twenties, healthy as a bug, successful athlete. Go for a check up. But be prepared. Instruments are very accurate. If they find something ... an imperfection, it's not a death sentence!! And it doesn't mean you will have a shorter lifespan because of it!!

13/90 I have a nasty cold. Thankful for 1. Just a cold. Nothing serious. 2. An abundance of tea&lemons. 3. Warm and comfortable bed. Such a deep&meaningful gratitude entry, I know

Ha I just saw I wrote 91 days in previous post. I'm leaving it. It's like giving the finger to the obsessive part of myself. 12/90 Went for a 28 min run. Again I'm following 0-10 kilometrs program. Learned German. Tomorrow or the day after that we will have our first test (with this set of students & teacher). Not sure what to expect so I learned a bit more than usual. I'm trying to stick to this daily entries, just so that I know what my ups and downs are on certain days. I don't want to get too comfortable. I'm sorry, I know it's a bit boring. I'm sure we will be able to laugh at me, myself & I in 8 days. Just imagine someone who's not that good at a particular language and works with and for people. The possibilities of things going wrong are endless! Does anyone have a feeling that they make a fool out of themselves a lot? At least compared to other people. I remember we talked in German course about "peinliche Situationen" = painful/awkward situations. And there was a picture of this woman, who got a piece of a toilet paper stuck to her shoe and she was dragging it behind her. And all of my classmates thought that this was dreadful. And I was like ... Meh. That's not even a challenge. At least put some poop on that paper and then we can talk. But seriously, toilet paper? I had 3 more awkward situations before breakfast today. I think it's a part of the package if you are clumsy, shy and introverted. But I really think it's also a bit of a bad luck. So yeah, I'm sure my first day at work will be a blast! 1. Thankful for my first job in a foreign country. 2. Thankful for books. They are such lovely well-rounded pretty things. I love the page turning sound. 3. Thankful for all of you people. I could seriously read your stories all day. And it's so lovely, that I can follow your lives and progress.

Can't wait for the sketches Pete. Keep it rolling

Hi all, just a theoretical quick question. What is the general tactic? If people have a relapse during their 90 days, do they start the count from the beginning, from 0 days? Not that there is a right or a wrong way but what seems to be the general, common response? And what does count as a relapse? One drink=10 minutes of gaming? I've been reading through this forum and this question just keeps popping up. I guess there are reasons and logic for either reaction. So ... I would appreciate an answer from the well-read veterans

Hi Hitaru, I've seen your posts on other people's journals. They seem insightful. I will need a bit of time to catch up with you diary entries. But it seems I have a bit of extra time not gaming and all ! Take care.

11/91 Hello all. I am just back from a short 25 min run and I must say I feel great. I wish my head didn't have a three second memory (or is it "wouldn't have", I always have trouble with this kind of sentences). I know I will have to force myself to go for a run tomorrow. Dear brain, please remember that you like exercise and you feel better afterwards. And please stop craving chocolate, it only makes your friend body sluggish and puffy. I read a short book in German. I bought a couple of B2 and B1 books. Now I've read them all but luckily I finally found a shelf in a local library with books for people who are still learning German. There isn't a lot of them. It's a small library. But if I read one every two days I should be good for at least 3 months. On another subject. I feel kind of bad. I was supposed to write an article by the end of September. But I talked to my friend, who gave me this opportunity, yesterday and explained that I'm in a bit of a jam with time and other things. And he said not to worry about it and to forget it. I hope he doesn't think any less of me. I hope I can perhaps write this article later. I just don't want to do it poorly. And I would really like to cram more German phrases&words into my head before I start my new job. Which, I imagine, will demand focus, time, energy. Plus language course which I plan to continue on days I don't have to work. I'm not sure if the language school&teacher will allow it. Basically you should be present for 80% of the classes or you don't get the certificate. But I imagine they can't force me not to come to 60% of classes if I'm not impeding the process. Well, what's done is done. I have a bit more faith in myself at the moment. And I know I can't use extra time for gaming or watching yt. Feel free to remind me of that

Nah I'm sure you are lovely. You are just being too hard on yourself.

Maybe your wife is just trying to be nice, polite. Was she afraid of a scene, crying, begging? Or maybe she understands that this really hurts both of you. Not that she is not honest, maybe it's just simply hard for her to let go as well. If she severs all ties that says something about your marriage. If you stay friends it makes more sense, has more meaning. Like you said Bob, don't hang upon her word. I think you have the same or even better chance of meeting someone new and marrying them.

African-American Literature that sounds great. I wish I knew more about this. Can you name a couple of authors, representatives? It's quite embarrassing that my subjects named "world literature" or something similar covered such a small part of the world. I think almost all of the authors were from Europe plus a couple of Latin and Asian authors. Sad really. 10/90 Not much to say. I hope today will make another normal entry.

Love your song Maybe exhaustion is part of it. Part of rebooting our brain. I'm not even working and I slept like a log for 10.5 hours and I could use more. I am usually fine with 6.5-7 hours. So I'm hoping this too shall pass

9/90 Awful day. Did nothing after I came home from class. Watched a bit of LOTR, just to get a bit of a good feeling, but I still feel like crap. Extra crap since I know I shouldn't be rewatching old stuff.

Hey Pete, would you mind sharing your nick/username on DeviantArt? I like looking at pretty things and drawing in progress

Just giving you thumbs up Bob!

@Bob you really are a ray of sunshine. Lovely to see you :). @Pete It's not undergraduate. I moved to another country, German is the official language. I'm visiting just a basic language course in a a language school. Just as a start of the assimilation process. My hubby is paying for it. So yes, we get people from all parts of the world and from different educational backgrounds in the course. It's interesting and stressful at the same time. 8/90 Hard day. Dreams about gaming. Didn't do much. I'm just tired. And already nervous 11 days till my first day at work. I have no idea how to prepare for it. Not that anything major can or will happen. I'm just afraid of how I will react to it.

7/90 Found another trigger. Facebook. Seems obvious. But I never really was a part of this Fb community. I post about 5 pictures per year. I think most of my pictures from last year were pictures of my hamster and random pretty views from hiking . But I am a lurker. I feel good when I give a like to somebody. I feel like a part of someone's life if I'm browsing through their pictures. In a way I also feel like I'm helping them achieve whatever goals they have reached and are posting about them. But it is seriously time consuming. Even though I never add people that I don't know, or at least like to some extent, there is just a lot of news on a daily feed. If I wanted to get through everything I would have to check Fb at least twice a day. And if I do it for a couple of days and then I don't I feel bad. Like I've been kicked out of the good stuff, like I'm missing something. Which obviously I'm not. Lost 2 hours today, checking Fb. So I wrote an email to a couple of good friends that they better call me and tell me if they get married or pregnant. Which is of course a joke, because we talk or write to each other at least once a week. I won't make a mistake by making a big deal out of quitting Fb, although I've flirted with this idea. I just have to convince one acquaintance to give me her email (for some reason we only speak through Fb messenger) and then I will be done with it. I'm also having a tough time adjusting to my new teacher. She doesn't really correct our mistakes. And she doesn't really praise us either. I know I have to give her more time, but right now I just miss my old teacher. 1 Thankful for my old teacher. She is such a positive, energized, motivated bundle of love. And I'm glad we're still in touch. 2 Thankful for my brains and control+c, control+v they all helped me get through paperwork. 3 Thankful for a lovely sunset. If you don't know or don't like this reference (movie Bedazzled) I'm sorry. We obviously can't be friends

I hope you are doing ok. That's all for now