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Day 3/14 What I love most about this "challenge" is the extra time available during the day... it just feels good to have more time for things that matter. No major urges today.

Lets talk about the game. Last year I started gaming again after holding out for about a month without gaming. Because I didn't organize my time wisely and bored myself with too much free time, gaming became a way to kill time. Breaking my promise was an act of cheating myself, and I feel guilty about it until now. I may have lost a lot of good things while I was playing games to waste my time. So when my semester was over, I gave up gaming. It was a success, I organized my time with something meaningful every day, and now I feel energized and healthier. However, I also realized that the maybe the success wasn't my willpower that was strong enough. The social aspect of gaming is waning, and as we get older, friends who used to game together are starting jobs and have other things crowding their daily lives. In place of gaming, there are love relationships, fitness, and exhausting routine.

One year later, I'm back. After reading the journals I wrote down, I remembered myself from a year ago. Alone in Canada, miserable and disheveled. What's different is that I never let my life get that bad again. My life is improving, and I'm getting back to building my confidence and fixing my body. I think the most important thing we can do when it comes to quitting internet addiction is to accept an imperfect version of ourselves. When you realize that, stresses in your life will not be as great. At the same time, establish and fulfill that goal you will reap great joy. Even if it's a distant goal or not, when you plant this idea in your mind, move towards it and one day, one day, it will come true. That's what I'm thinking right now.

Been getting distracted a lot this morning- and upon a social interaction, realized how much my self-awareness expands when I get to talk to other people. It's something I dearly, dearly miss- genuine conversations where I get to be my (best) self. Having access to this currently unmet need- of regular human interaction -will help me greatly w/ my current struggle against pornography. Here's onto day 1. Much more committed- remember, if I manage to truly rid myself of this one addiction, the effects will span across my entire livelihood. onwards!

Day #103-111 I've been going through some highly volatile emotional states and generally feeling a low point in my depression. Nothing of extreme urgency but it has certainly been the reason I've been so vacant from this forum, and not as present in recent weeks for my studies. This period of time ended up being the time I wanted to return to gaming most, and I have a feeling it's because I wanted to suppress the chaos within me, and I guess video games were my knee-jerk reaction to ignoring all the ruminating thoughts and emotions coursing through me. It was at my lowest point this week that I felt the strongest urge to game, and I can kinda start understanding how video games made my life derail in the way it did months ago. They were the easiest way to ignore the turmoil within. I really felt the cauldron within stir with negativity and experience those moments completely lucid and unclouded by the likes of gaming. One thing is certain. I don't see myself ever coming back to video games, especially considering how much they distracted me from the internal damage I've felt over the years. For the first time in a long while, I'm forced to confront my problems, with no room for distractions. What I'm thankful for: My consciousness. Goals for Day #112: Try and relax and not be so hard on yourself.

April 18-19 Gratitude: ~ Slept for as long as I felt necessary, - though I really do crave good-spirited action - and went to the local gym for a decent attempt ~ The weather was great, and if I had stronger connections with everyone I would have gone out immediately ~ This morning's oatmeal ~ Reading first-thing in the day and last-thing at night, which actually felt like a replacement for games and not avoidance _____________ I have so many questions, and have had so many more desires to just argue and fervently 'correct' things said and done by family and peers. I gave in to basically none at all, but had one of those almost-downward-spiralling 2-hour calls with a more experienced guy from the men's group. That tired me out, and tonight's Friday event to me was kind of unlikely to go well after getting through yesterday, so I came online here for a bit. My concern today has been the kind of zen mode that I found myself indulging in while reading and sleeping, window(s) open, that I think a a large number of my family usually reverts to. When we get to doing things, I feel like we're all just taints on each others' consciousness, and should be alone unless we've got a LOT of good energy stored up, or if there is something seriously imperative. Now that even before this latest setting aside of games, I've not really valued the gameplay and interactions for what they were, as I did 10-15 years ago as a teenager. The physical world and everyone in it is once again quite real to me, and if I truly begin to engage with it naturally too soon, I could run into real trouble. I don't know how best to communicate this to most of the people in my life. A little while ago, when I was getting sick of my old working role, my dad told me that after so many years, I had effectively trained my boss like a seal to expect my full attention, efforts and punctuality. However, he, my friends and my family haven't completely understood the changes I've been going through over the past 2-3 years, just as they probably didn't understand how addicted I really became when I got my first gameboy and Pokemon, before moving to consoles and finally, the computer for a very long time now. My dad praised my patience yesterday without acknowledging or confessing what we both probably understood warranted that patience. So I'll continue to make use of that, at the very least. I might come back to edit a little bit, but for now - peace ~ Matt

11th April - 18th April: My girlfriend and I went to a puppet theatre last week. It was an adaptation of Orwell's Animal Farm. We enjoyed it a lot 😄 We spent Friday evening with friends. At the weekend, we also visited both my and her parents. I also had to change the wheels with winter tires for summer ones that are at my parents' house. We also cycled a bit and went to the cinema to watch a documentary. My PC table arrived on Monday, though I can't assemble it fully without a drill. I had the CELTA interview on Tuesday and it went well. That means I should spend July trying to become a better teacher 🙂 Worked on my taxes on Wednesday. I also visited the speakers' club and attended a birthday party, so it was a good day. I fixed charging troubles I had been having with my phone yesterday. Busy week overall, but nice.

Entry 18.04 (Written on 19.04) Day 567: No Useless Videos Day 565: Sticking to Food schedule Day 169: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 159: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. -Trying the new pitch template and managing to do 9 sales in 6 hrs (New record. The previous - 8, awesome!) -Once more the bike kept doing noises on Wednesday and thuersday even after the pro looked at it so I've gone there again, this time leaving it there. -about 23 hours fast 1 Thing I could do better -I was wondering a bit too much after the conversation with management. could have finished my two other tasks and possibly closed another sale to complete to 10

looking through past entries, i notice that my quitting of games was not immediate- i held onto gameplay videos for awhile, and did fill my time w/ other poor habits. it was not until beginning of 2021 when i was able to quit fully. i need to maintain the needs that pornography is currently fullfilling in some way- the issue being, i do not understand what those needs are. pornography desire comes up when i am very stressed and/or very tired. perhaps, it simply the need to rest (especially my mind, less so my body). i should respect that- my workaholic-ness is what drives me to this level of exhaustion. i need to respect my own boundaries- and here we go, back to self-compassion. will dedicate the last 30mins of this day to learning more on self-compassion, then.

When the video told me to delete my accounts and video games, it felt like a punch in the gut. a piece of me I have to cut off. It felt like orders, it had to be done, for my self and future. I was already feeling restless, trying to figure out what to do. Jittery, my mind was pacing, frantic for something, ANYTHING. I couldn't stop thinking. The next thing I did was go to my bed and pass out. After waking up, the thought's of video games didn't go away but at least I was able to find out a way to silence that part of my brain. I know what I had to do. I continued to the next module and learned about making new hobbies. My mind still feels a fuzzy attraction to video games but I always remind myself, that is who I don't want to be anymore. the sleepless nights, the lost time, added stress, low-grade depression and self-isolation. All that felt terrible. I don't want to go through that, not again, not ever because of video games. I hope these hobbies will make me a better person.

no relapse yet- practicing positive exposure again, does help a lot w/ more committed unlearning of my habits as the outcome. But a long way to go in terms of commitment- I am not desperate to quit. I want to be.

I guess this will be my first entry for the journal with how I feel and think, perhaps learning more about myself. I am worried that I'll fail myself and relapse before I even start the journey, or after the journey. I don't know if I can do this myself yet I can't muster up the courage to find out who and where to ask for help. I do want to stop but this is an old habit I had ever since I was a kid. I feel dumb, sad, and a little depressed... I hope I set things right for me any my future.

Day 2/14 Some urges today, but I didn't give in. I can definitely feel that it will get harder to withstand the temptations as time goes by, but for now it's manageable. Still recovering from the sickness; feeling a bit better every day.

Sending a CV is the first (and out of necessity formal) step in applying for a job. Building rapport is for the interview itself and for the trial period. It's not personal that company X doesn't reply to your CV. Maybe their HR is overloaded. Maybe the job offer isn't current. Maybe there are some hidden conditions they don't mention. Maybe some people applied before you and they're having interviews with them before (and if) they get to you. You can't know, so there's no reason to worry about it. What I did in the past (some 3-4 years ago) was to find companies that I felt were relevant to me as a potential employer (that is, even without them explicitly offering a job). I jammed every email adress I could find into Bcc, wrote something short, attached my CV. I did that maybe twice or thrice. I'm sure I sent out hundreds of emails this way. From all those emails, I was at around 30 interviews. Maybe 5 turned out to be profitable (gave me courses at some point) and maybe 5 others came back to me later. But before I started that, I was also hung up on getting a response/interview/job from "that one company". Now I can turn them down, because I don't need them anymore and I have better paid courses. - As for the dicussion about authenticity that @wheatbiscuit @Pochatok and @Vee expanded on: I found out that honesty and authenticity works great in my life. But (and this is a big BUT), there's also a lot of "catching up" to do with others, at least at first. We've rebuilt ourselves since admitting the gaming issue. Some more, some less. Depending on how much we still identify with our "gaming past/gaming trouble", it will influence the conversations we have and the relationships we have. We all here joined this forum, because we understood we had a serious problem. Gaming is/was our drug of choice. Even being among addicts is often troublesome on its own. Some people will damn us for that outright just out of their strange principle that we're not "normal". And even if we never had a gaming problem, people are people and some people don't like others just because.

Entry 1704 (Written on 18.04) Day 566: No Useless Videos Day 564: Sticking to Food schedule Day 168: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 158: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. -3.5 hrs deliveries -about 1.5 hrs workout right after that -Having gone to the bike shop to have the pro look at my bike 1 Thing I could do better -I am really really considering the nutritional consultation.

Hello everyone, I am a 22 year old in the U.S. submariner leaving the military in a few months. I was born in San Diego, California, raised in Las Vegas Nevada, and put on shore duty back at San Diego, though now I'm finishing up my contract. I want to quit video games as I've seen and felt the consequences of those long hours spending time doing nothing but looking at numbers go up on a screen. I hate myself for doing such things, even being aware that other things need to get done and yet always glued onto video games. I've ruined my sleep schedule, my health is slowly deteriorating, stopped talking to my family, worried about finding a new job yet taking no action on such things, and scared to ask those close to me for help because I worry about what might happen even though I have no idea what would actually happen. My main goals after quitting is to get my life straightened back up, get a good job, socialize with others to find that special someone, make a fiction series, and to be healthy.

Day 1/14 A few urges, but I managed to control myself and direct my thoughts elsewhere. Was somewhat productive today despite poor sleep.

I relate to a lot of that. The course I'm on has an employability module, and there's a lot of "be yourself!" alongside "Do X, Y and Z otherwise you're putting yourself at a disadvantage". I hate all the bollocks involved in getting a job, which is why I've dragged my feet over updating my CV and applying for jobs. I've been single for ten years as well, and haven't touched a dating app in seven years(?). I don't think you are penalised for authenticity in the same way there, but I can't feel authentic on a dating profile when I know I'm being selective about what I do and don't mention. That's true in real-life interactions too, but it doesn't feel so...manipulative.

Hey, I hear you- same is for me. And indeed, the current predominant modes of social interaction, be it dating apps or employment, do not favor that. In fact, that is very much discouraged. What you're doing is so brave- I'm glad you do not compromise on your values! I'm not sure how difficult it is for you to find employment places where honesty/authenticity would be valuable... I too am searching for those- it seems that places like that do not pay much, and are very community/social-focused. Informal education, mutual aid nonprofits (like providing free counselling), etc.. I'm sorry you've had so much struggle from living by your values- it certainly does not need to be that way.

And a relapse. Similar mode of relapse- low awareness of what I am doing, no red lights went off until I was well into the process. What frustrates me, then, is that upon recognition of my mistake, I continued nonetheless. That's what must go- relapses like this may happen. But nothing will change unless I keep the stakes high, and treat my mistakes as something worth addressing.

April 15-17 I'm more aware of the difficulties of planning to replace some major computer habits again, like last year. One thing I've hardly done is text messaged on my phone, as I noticed it taxing me in a way or two. I've felt a bit lazy if anything, not checking in, even if it would just be on a game, for routine, time of day rituals. The last few nights for example, I had the option to go to the computer, open it up and 'vote' for the game for rewards. It has been possible 12-hourly, but I've just done it once per day. It was an easy calculation to determine that, come Winter, the reward would have stacked up to be redeemable for the best 'cloak'. I figure that only matters to me because I've never really had goals much further than a month away that are a major talking point in real life, aside from surviving or celebrating a season for the sake of it. Anyway, my emotions/mood are (and predictably should have been) fluctuating, not because I feel compelled to play (the last weekend glows on), but because I'm trying to re-value things like the tidiness of my room, and the patronage of the cafes and shops on my street when I go out - really realer things, because my particularly lone gaming rituals had next to no bearing on how the food on my grocery list got to the store. 🥲 I hope to start waking up brighter again soon, and more in tune. __________________ Gratitude: ~ No one looking at me funny walking out the door and circuiting around for an hour in what were basically my pyjamas ~ A super regular birthday ~ My job agent's manner in telling me about their changing workplace ~ Knowing when to call time on my weights-room visit today Glad to be here, ~ Matt

Its been a while. I've been somewhat overwhelmed, despite my circumstances being lighter. If I'm as perpetually burnt out as I've claimed, then I feel like it comes in waves, and I'm currently riding a low point. I'll likely be back on this journal by Thursday.

When my mom was rejoining the workforce, she was lucky enough to be recognised by old workmates from 10+ years previously. I've heard that some people don't even like the word 'authentic' now - me, I think any term can be called a buzzword if overused. I just played Charles Wright's 'Express Yourself' twice because it popped into my head, as a lot of older things do when I'm feeling challenged. Anyway, my mom sort of treats the world like a village (I am at risk of turning that into a buzz word now). Even the person who's been helping me in finding new work has now said that the world is small (they will be in new work too soon, handing me to another person in the agency) - because we're likely to recognise each other socially, but also maybe because one way or another, we're supposed to recognise certain qualities first in other people, then they come into focus fully (again, perhaps). Do you let or encourage people to make big impressions on you? I wouldn't now underestimate the value of remembering probably small things others have said or done but meant a lot to me, then bringing them up, because it can be very flattering. Then it's like I'm suddenly welcome in their life. Had I known that and found better outlets than gaming earlier in my life to process and wait until people needed it.. retreating into my head might never have posed such a problem. We shouldn't give up so easily. ~ Matt

Entry 1604 (Written on 17.04) Day 565: No Useless Videos Day 563: Sticking to Food schedule Day 167: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 157: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. -Once my co-worker told me about the way to present things, started applying his way immediately. -Soaked nts for the next day in advance for the first time since I wrote about it here -Asked my management whether the letter was their initiative or coming from above so that i could better prepare myself for the conversation on Thursday mentally 1 Thing I could do better -I must find a way to stop dozing off in the evening and it needs to be something nutrition related, don't know yet what but something must be done...

Day 0/14 No urges today, kept myself busy.