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I relate to a lot of that. The course I'm on has an employability module, and there's a lot of "be yourself!" alongside "Do X, Y and Z otherwise you're putting yourself at a disadvantage". I hate all the bollocks involved in getting a job, which is why I've dragged my feet over updating my CV and applying for jobs. I've been single for ten years as well, and haven't touched a dating app in seven years(?). I don't think you are penalised for authenticity in the same way there, but I can't feel authentic on a dating profile when I know I'm being selective about what I do and don't mention. That's true in real-life interactions too, but it doesn't feel so...manipulative.
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Hey, I hear you- same is for me. And indeed, the current predominant modes of social interaction, be it dating apps or employment, do not favor that. In fact, that is very much discouraged. What you're doing is so brave- I'm glad you do not compromise on your values! I'm not sure how difficult it is for you to find employment places where honesty/authenticity would be valuable... I too am searching for those- it seems that places like that do not pay much, and are very community/social-focused. Informal education, mutual aid nonprofits (like providing free counselling), etc.. I'm sorry you've had so much struggle from living by your values- it certainly does not need to be that way.
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And a relapse. Similar mode of relapse- low awareness of what I am doing, no red lights went off until I was well into the process. What frustrates me, then, is that upon recognition of my mistake, I continued nonetheless. That's what must go- relapses like this may happen. But nothing will change unless I keep the stakes high, and treat my mistakes as something worth addressing.
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By wheatbiscuit · Posted
April 15-17 I'm more aware of the difficulties of planning to replace some major computer habits again, like last year. One thing I've hardly done is text messaged on my phone, as I noticed it taxing me in a way or two. I've felt a bit lazy if anything, not checking in, even if it would just be on a game, for routine, time of day rituals. The last few nights for example, I had the option to go to the computer, open it up and 'vote' for the game for rewards. It has been possible 12-hourly, but I've just done it once per day. It was an easy calculation to determine that, come Winter, the reward would have stacked up to be redeemable for the best 'cloak'. I figure that only matters to me because I've never really had goals much further than a month away that are a major talking point in real life, aside from surviving or celebrating a season for the sake of it. Anyway, my emotions/mood are (and predictably should have been) fluctuating, not because I feel compelled to play (the last weekend glows on), but because I'm trying to re-value things like the tidiness of my room, and the patronage of the cafes and shops on my street when I go out - really realer things, because my particularly lone gaming rituals had next to no bearing on how the food on my grocery list got to the store. 🥲 I hope to start waking up brighter again soon, and more in tune. __________________ Gratitude: ~ No one looking at me funny walking out the door and circuiting around for an hour in what were basically my pyjamas ~ A super regular birthday ~ My job agent's manner in telling me about their changing workplace ~ Knowing when to call time on my weights-room visit today Glad to be here, ~ Matt -
Its been a while. I've been somewhat overwhelmed, despite my circumstances being lighter. If I'm as perpetually burnt out as I've claimed, then I feel like it comes in waves, and I'm currently riding a low point. I'll likely be back on this journal by Thursday.
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