Entry 18.04 (Written on 19.04) Day 567: No Useless Videos Day 565: Sticking to Food schedule Day 169: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 159: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. -Trying the new pitch template and managing to do 9 sales in 6 hrs (New record. The previous - 8, awesome!) -Once more the bike kept doing noises on Wednesday and thuersday even after the pro looked at it so I've gone there again, this time leaving it there. -about 23 hours fast 1 Thing I could do better -I was wondering a bit too much after the conversation with management. could have finished my two other tasks and possibly closed another sale to complete to 10

looking through past entries, i notice that my quitting of games was not immediate- i held onto gameplay videos for awhile, and did fill my time w/ other poor habits. it was not until beginning of 2021 when i was able to quit fully.  i need to maintain the needs that pornography is currently fullfilling in some way- the issue being, i do not understand what those needs are. pornography desire comes up when i am very stressed and/or very tired.  perhaps, it simply the need to rest (especially my mind, less so my body). i should respect that- my workaholic-ness is what drives me to this level of exhaustion. i need to respect my own boundaries- and here we go, back to self-compassion. will dedicate the last 30mins of this day to learning more on self-compassion, then.

When the video told me to delete my accounts and video games, it felt like a punch in the gut. a piece of me I have to cut off. It felt like orders, it had to be done, for my self and future. I was already feeling restless, trying to figure out what to do. Jittery, my mind was pacing, frantic for something, ANYTHING. I couldn't stop thinking. The next thing I did was go to my bed and pass out. After waking up, the thought's of video games didn't go away but at least I was able to find out a way to silence that part of my brain. I know what I had to do. I continued to the next module and learned about making new hobbies. My mind still feels a fuzzy attraction to video games but I always remind myself, that is who I don't want to be anymore. the sleepless nights, the lost time, added stress, low-grade depression and self-isolation. All that felt terrible. I don't want to go through that, not again, not ever because of video games. I hope these hobbies will make me a better person.

no relapse yet- practicing positive exposure again, does help a lot w/ more committed unlearning of my habits as the outcome. But a long way to go in terms of commitment- I am not desperate to quit. I want to be. 

I guess this will be my first entry for the journal with how I feel and think, perhaps learning more about myself. I am worried that I'll fail myself and relapse before I even start the journey, or after the journey. I don't know if I can do this myself yet I can't muster up the courage to find out who and where to ask for help. I do want to stop but this is an old habit I had ever since I was a kid. I feel dumb, sad, and a little depressed... I hope I set things right for me any my future.