Last month I was upset because I saw some people writing about what their passions and life goals were, and I felt like I didn't have any. Well, that's wrong. After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I do have some, but they are different than what I think most other people would list.
List of Passions AppearanceHealthRelaxationImaginationEating Health FoodEating Health Food TeaTea YogaYogaYoga MassagesMassages Anime, Fiction, FantasyAnime, Fiction, FantasyHygiene & Grooming Hygiene & Grooming Exercising at GymExercising at Gym Having a clean apartment WatercolorWatercolorNice Clothes Life Goals: 1. Eat every kind of fruit 2. Have a big backyard/nature property
I am not quitting or anything but the reason I haven't been updating is because I have started to feel stressed, tired and insecure. I'm having a real hard time. I will try to update weekly instead and see how that goes.
Don't say "too much" in front of me!!!! (Sorry... just kidding...) 84.7% of free time(about 8 hours) spent on Youtube!!! Yeah!! It's my record of 17th of May. I was much more lazier than you. I even relapsed once already. You're gonna be fine if you had learned from that experience. This is not me saying it. Cam said this. If you think that moment was a waste of time, then don't give in next time. Don't be stupid like me. Show everyone including the past-yourself that you're getting better. That day, I also thought the same way as you did, 'I do it too much'. And I got the similar response like I replied.
After that day, I did my best to use my time more productively. It's not perfect but quite improved... Perhaps I should shut up, as I'm on day 3 of the second attempt, but I just wanted to share my experience. I think... we're not robots so we need some lazy moments from time to time... Ignore my reply if you don't like it But tell us that you're getting better tomorrow(and tomorrow, and tomorrow's tomorrow...)
I'm glad to hear your reply! I just finished writing some sentences at a depression webpage... It was intense... The mood there... made me so solemn. I also have slight depression so I thought I could share some thoughts. However it wasn't as easy as I've expected. Anyway, thank you... I'm going to go to bed because it's 1:30 am in South Korea. I'm looking forward to have another good day tomorrow. I hope your day be successful! No matter how many hours left today.
Initially other activities seem like a way to do anything but gaming. But after a while you begin to be more deliberate about it, at least that's where I'm at with three weeks of withdrawal. You're doing great!
Day 3 - 역시 생산적인 날이었다! - 또다른 번역작업을 했다. (한국어 자막 만듦) 번역을 할 때면 한번에 세 시간이나 집중할 수 있다는 걸 알게 됐다. 토목공학 공부를 할 때에 비하면 훨씬 집중하기 쉽다. 토목공학 공부를 할 때면, 25분마다 쉬어야만 했다. 내일은 토목 공부를 할거다. 번역은 점점 줄일거다. 왜냐하면 주로 토목 공부를 하기로 했으니까. 그게 내 계획이었으니까. - 아빠네 동료들과 저녁을 먹었다. 그들 모두가 토목 일을 하는 사람들이다. 그 중 한 분과 좋은 얘길 나눴다. 앞으로 좀더 용기있게 살고 싶다. 처음엔 별로 같이 저녁을 먹고 싶지 않았다. 그런데 그렇게 나쁘진 않았다. 아직까진 새로운 사람들을 만나는 게 불편하다. 그 시간이 지나가서 기쁘다. - 밤에 부모님 차를 작은 주차 공간에 정말 잘 주차시켰다. 정말 완벽하게 잘 했다. 운전하는 것도 재밌었다. 정말 부드럽게 잘 했다. - 우울증 모임 사이트가 있어서 한번 가볼 계획이다. 거의 버려진 곳이지만 새 글이 몇 개 있었다. - 오늘 밤이나 내일 대학 친구들에게 다시 연락할 거다. 한 주쯤 전에 우울해졌을 때 연락을 안 했고, 그게 두번째 일어나는 일이었다. 미안하게 생각한다...
Day 3 - was also productive! - Another translation. (Made Korean subtitles) I found out that I can concentrate on the translation work 3 hours straight. Compared to studying civil engineering, it's much easier to focus on. When I study civil engineering, I have to break every 25 minutes. Tomorrow I want to study civil engineering. I'm going to do less translation because I'm going to study civil engineering mainly. That was what my plan is. - Had a dinner with my father's coworkers. They are all civil engineers. I had some good conversation with one of them. I want to be more brave from now on. I didn't want to have dinner with them at first. However I think it wasn't too bad. I'm still not comfortable to meet new people. I'm happy because that moment just had passed. - I parked my dad's car at a small space so well this night. It was a perfect parking. I enjoyed driving. It went so well and smooth. - I'm going to visit a small site where people who have depression gather. It's almost abandoned but I found new posts there. - I'm going to say sorry to my university friends tonight or tomorrow. It was the second time that I didn't reply their messages when I had depression about a week ago. I'm sorry for them.
I am not feeling so good today. I couldn't wake up on time as last night I was listening to music a lot.. was hooked up on some classical stuff. Even though I woke up at around 11am, I still feel quite sleep deprived. It probably must be because of the hot weather in here.
I have written down a daily schedule, and I have decided not to even turn on the computer at most blocks of time that don't require one. I realized that just using the computer without any planned purpose is eventually gonna lead me to either binge mindlessly, or just use it for low-priority tasks. Only about 3 hours per day will be used for searching for a job, and the rest I will have to turn it off. I am not sure I am capable to have fun in moderation. I keep checking discord multiple times of the day, and most times I don't see anything valuable there to do. Even if I block youtube and discord with ColdTurkey, I find alternative ways to google stuff that are not so relevant or important
I am not sure how to define the the whole last night, because there is nothing wrong with listening to classical music or educational videos. The problem is that I am using those as a form of procrastination and not doing the important stuff I need to get done instead. I would prefer to start reading books instead of looping the same music videos over and over again.
I feel quite sleep deprived at the moment and lacking in energy to do pretty much anything, even to prepare a meal. But I may have a significantly higher chance of succeeding if I completely shut off the computer, and only use it at the certain period of the day to look for a job. I also have a few spare hours for a hobby, and I will just use pen and paper to brainstorm what to do and come up with a few goals
Day 16/90. Also 21/21/2 soda porn fap. I can tell the difference if I don't get my walk in and meditate. Walking acts like a burn off valve for the anxiety and just wears me out. Meditation is like a shutoff valve and cuts off the flow of anxiety at its source. Both are really effective and I have to keep going. I'm officially signed up for the gym! I'm going to the store this weekend to get some gym clothes, just some shorts and a t-shirt but I'll be ready to go. Might be next week or the week after when I get access. I'm psyched because this will give me an active and social replacement activity for gaming, easily my trouble spots. And it'll help give me something to do on the weekends. I noticed yesterday and today that I didn't want to listen to podcasts as much. I've gotten the sense that I'm overdoing them. History podcasts are informative but I have like 50 of them, some great some mediocre. I'm OCD about them and I hate it when I have 3-4 hrs.of new episodes I have to listen to each day. So yesterday I just deleted about a third of them and kept the better ones. And I spent most of the day at work without headphones. I felt more connected to the world around me, like I wasn't cut off from people or tuning the world out. It's an interesting change for me.
Thanks, Deep Space. Yes I'm looking forward to the gym. It'll help check the active and social categories for my gaming replacement activities, my two hardest ones. Yeah that anxiety and loneliness is a killer. Meditation is helping and the exercise. If I don't do these things, boy do I feel the difference.
I think I might need a therapist as well. My usual counselor is out of town for 3 weeks on a vacation and it drives me bonkers not having someone to talk to about my deep stuff. I definitely need more friends...friends period. You're doing great, Deep Space.
I think in order to beat loneliness you have to seem like you are in peace with yourself. I had the loneliest childhood ever where all I did was sporting and learning but I never felt lonely, I felt like I had a purpose and the funniest thing about it was that people complained about me never having time and that made them want to be around me even more. I believe that you attract certain things as soon as you find a purpose for yourself.
So, I forced some talks with certain persons and I begin to understand the situation that I'm in. If I would go for the emotional side then I would say that I'm really hurt. Their vision of me is rather that I'm a loser and that my time is worthless so I should rather spend my time supporting them instead of investing my time in any way into myself. I've tried a lot of things during the last couple of weeks but failed since I couldn't find my way yet but knowing now that this is how people view me, I fall back into my self destructive pattern. And I don't mean self destructive like in hurting myself with anything, it's more like pushing myself so much into every direction so I get out of my comfort zone, no matter what. Now this sounds like a good thing and it is but I've been there before. What lies ahead at the end of this path is success but also loneliness and depression. The thought pattern behind it is somehow like this: <<If my life is worthless anyway, then I can at least not bother anyone and force myself to do things no matter my feelings about it>>. It means, going for a jog no matter if my muscles ache. Go ahead and study, no matter how much I want to actually procrastinate or enjoy my time somehow. Eating anything that's not healthy? why? It's not like I deserve it anyway and food will start to taste better as soon as I quit all these addictive sugar bombs. If no one bothers about me because my personality doesn't work, then I might as well just bomb my old personality and kill it off until I'm somewhere else.
It's a fight with myself and the only thing that will accompany me are my dreams and hopes. There will be a lot of tears and emotions.... The good thing about it is that I've been there before and I know what lies in the end. This time I can prepare myself.
It's just sad that in order to be in peace with everyone else, I need to be in war with myself. I've been in war with myself for so many years, it was such a lonely battle but I guess it's time to go back into the fight. I've enjoyed my last years, they were calm and soothing for myself and I've learned things that I wouldn't have learned otherwise, even if I had been corrupted by certain factors like this addiction. But it's time to get back into the fight. It's time to go back into the war with myself.
- Waking up like a normal person: checked. Breakfast still an issue, but it will probably get better with effort and planning (God help me so Cam makes that health mastery program, or maybe I should say help Cam make it good ). I reconnected with my team in LHBC (Lifehack Bootcamp) and used an app to organize my week. It looks like a rotating clock that constantly highlights what I should be doing at the moment and what comes next, just by checking my phone's main screen. Fancy! There's still some huge and worrisome blanks, but at least tuesday and thursday are fully covered. Monday and Wednesday mornings as well. From that point on, I have to improvise. Or take up some hobby. I'd rather not think too much about it right now, but I'll keep ruminating a solution. Small achievements. On a side note, the arrival of the first spanish-speaking people to the forum has hyped the fuck out of me, the translation hub got revamped and updated, and for the first time I devoted a specific time of the day only to focus in translations. This looks good!
I'm solemnly swear that I'm up to good Day #1830 Last day until next exam! I'm on fire! Ahahahaha Nobody can stop me now, I did too much effort through THE ENTIRE YEAR, to pass this exam, so there is no way to give on the last day. So, as I said hundreds of times before: Let's fuck'em up! Ah, and what's interesting, although I am studying a lot, I still have time to progress in Toastmasters. That's a spirit! Mischief managed.
I did the same and while I guess that spacing out entries is quite normal, don't forget about them. It's not about doing it when you're fine, it's more about doing them when you're not in order to help yourself out.
21/90 Thanks for the encouragement Mettermrck! I'm glad my roommate and I are able to have some other activities we can do together besides video games. Today was a pretty interesting day. I did more computer training today for work and I'm going to run a cash register for the first time. I'm thankful that work is so much closer than it used to be. I can walk there in less than 10 minutes! During my therapy appointment, I got some really heavy shit off my chest, so much so that my appointment extended for an extra hour for us to talk. I had a lot of emotions coming out of it that I'm still feeling, even now. Then I bought some cheap but nice work shoes. I was worried the quality might be lower because of the price, but at the very least I have my full uniform now. Today's been pretty busy and I've had a lot less time on my laptop than usual, which feels like a nice change. I made plans to get back into working out again tomorrow, which be nice. My friend and I only managed to work out for one day during finals week. I'm thankful that we'll be able to start again more regularly. I also think I want to make more friends that are girls. If that eventually turns into a romantic relationship, great, but I think I'd be satisfied just making friends like that. I want to make more friends in general. A pretty alright day, I'd say.