"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

Super Saiyan Journal

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Posted

Learning more about shame helped me a lot.

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You're not gonna believe it! It just finished my first ever short story! I've started many in the past, but it was always a chore after the first sentence. Now I finished, oh my god, I'm so happy! Especially that I finished it at 4am!

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Posted

You're not gonna believe it! It just finished my first ever short story! I've started many in the past, but it was always a chore after the first sentence. Now I finished, oh my god, I'm so happy! Especially that I finished it at 4am!

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Posted (edited)

A perfect week. (Except for studying). Then I relapsed with porn, but only once, and that's a huge improvement. Thanks Cam for the support.

A few days ago I suddenly felt this totally new thing concerning a book. Before I used to read as a chore, just to read, because I hear that's good for you. Sure, I only read the books that seemed interesting, but it was always hard to go through them. This time, I found myself looking at the book and actually thinking: I wonder what happens next. He was bought by this apparently nice guy, maybe it's gonna be better from now on. It was the first time since Harry Potter that I actually wanted to know what is going to happen. I already picked up a new book, and it's going very fast for me.

I think I'm gonna go running tomorrow. I was inspired by a youtuber, especially this video. Since my new training program is incompatible with the idea of working out every day, I might as well put some cardio in there. Maybe even dancing if I find a partner soon.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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Posted

Cardio is like an active meditation for me. Helps me shift the energy in my body.

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Posted

20 days without gaming.

Ummm, this weekend I went to the sea with 15 friends from my student association. Sleeping was hard and at times everything was boring or cold, but now I feel like a character from the Sims with his social bar filled up all the way.

I've decided to do a 5am challenge starting Thursday, for 21 days. This makes sense, because I often have trouble falling asleep, and while falling asleep I'm vulnerable to porn fantasies. So if I wake up ridiculously early, it's gonna be a lot easier to fall asleep. Also, the morning light is much better for anything than the fake evening light. The sun currently rises at 6am, so at 5am it's gonna be visible already.

That's my update. I don't think about gaming at all anymore.

Oh, I also started to read a lot! I'm done with self-help, but who would have thought fiction can be that interesting?!

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Posted

Congrats on 20 days! I should read a fiction book sometime..

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Posted

I've decided to do a 5am challenge starting Thursday, for 21 days.

welcome to my world ;)

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Posted (edited)

Okay, the 5am thing worked three times in a row and then I couldn't do it 4 times. Oh well, I'm still going to bed quite early, around 9pm, so I naturally wake up at 6am or 7am and that's good enough.

Let's see. 25 days or so since the last slip. I'm reading a vampire novel and I have cravings for a certain video game. Two of them actually. Luckily I would have to buy one of them in order to mod it correctly, and I don't have 40 Euros. Also, that game is a HUGE porn trigger, as many of the mods sexualize the gameplay, so I have two reasons to keep away from it. Three actually, because I can't game without junk food.

Shit, I'm sorry game. You're probably very interesting and all, but I'm choosing not to play you.

Another thing - I'm currently experimenting with my porn addiction and I'm seeing a lot of potential in this new method. Basicaly, when the urge to watch porn is too hard to fall asleep, I'm gonna allow myself to jerk off quickly, without any fantasy. Maybe after three or six months of this (combined with a consistent effort to create a better life), the urges will become less frequent. I always thought I would have to deal with everything at once: porn, masturbation and fantasy, because any one of them would induce a chaser effect. I now think I was wrong, I'm gonna deal with the porn and fantasy first.

Well, there, that's my update on, hmm, mostly porn. I'm mostly using this place for a general journal than one pertaining to gaming alone. It's pretty refreshing to come here every couple of days, without any compulsion to write daily.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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Posted

Great to read your update. Porn is the most important to be focused on. I think you're taking the right approach.

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Posted (edited)

Thanks. It's A LOT easier this way, although I still get some cravings for just porn, like: oh, maybe I could just screw this and let myself watch in anyway. But it's not that hard to overcome now. I actually look at those cravings without the kind of fear I used to have.

A thing about gaming: I'm having substantial urges to play an RPG game. The only trigger I might think of is occasionally reading some DnD rulebooks, fantasizing about playing it with someone. So I'm thinking, maybe one hour a day wouldn't be that bad. But then, I don't want to waste like 120 hours on something that's only feeding my compulsion.

Edit: No, I need to fill the time with something else. I don't want to live a default life. What's a one fulfilling thing that I can do for an hour a day? It shouldn't be about sitting and reading, or sitting in front of the computer, nor about physical exercise, these I already have a lot of. Social things every day, that's impossible. What else can I do?

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Posted

In my opinion you should try to learn an instrument. It can be very fulfilling, has a lot of benefits for your brain and is fun if you overcame the first obstacle and are able to play anything.  I try to learn playing the piano again( had some training in my youth) and it is pretty fulfilling to play your own music and loose your self in trying to play a song perfectly.

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Posted

I've tried moderating and playing a single game for one hour a day. And maybe I could do this if I was on track with my other habits, but this weekend I just let go of most of them. Screw this, I'm not gonna try it again. One hour a day after a day of sensible work feels pretty good, but it doesn't feel good at all after a day of slacking off. I got rid of all the games again.

I'll just go for the more mundane average day for now.

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Posted (edited)

A binge has been transpiring until a few days ago, after 30 days of abstinence without a slip and an attempt to moderate to one hour a day because of boredom.

I've written a report on StopGaming, I'll put a link here so that I have it all in one place. I don't feel like writing about that again, and anyway it's no longer fresh.

The link to the report.

I've been writing about my spreasheets a couple of times but I've never had a way to photograph them until now. Here's the link for the lastet one and the one before that. And the legend for both is in this post.

Notice the Freedom Febraury in its most exquisite form, I'm very happy about how that went, although I remember I didn't do much during that time because I was on the wrong variant of the slight edge with other things. But I'm very happy about April, where you'll see a 15 at the end of the first row, which means it's been 50% porn-free. Which is I think my all-time record.

What else do I have to say? I'm working on tiny, annoying habits like things I do with my hands, because they're usually at my face, or reinforcing my head because it was always uncomfortable without that. I can imagine what it looks like and I know it's not good for my social interactions. Also, I'm constantly getting infections on my head from scratching it, and that makes shaving it hard. So I've decided to keep my hands away from my hea at all times, and it actually stopped being uncomfortable when I don't support it with my hands. I know these are minor problems, but I wanted to get rid of them. Another thing is talking to myself, which I've been doing for years, but eliminated it almost completely within a week, using only a little consciousness. The only problem is controling these tics when I'm occupied with something or even stressed, then I hardly ever notice them.

 

Edit

I'm trying to identify the needs which I'm trying to fulfill using gaming and porn. I can't think of any. This is very hard, but I'd like to understand them, I believe that to be an important step in beating these addictions.

Let's see. I'm usually playing games where I can talk to characters. I'm installing mods that increase immersion, to make me feel as it this was more like the real world. I'm also installing mods that add new characters which I can become friends with. I was once enchanted with one of these characters, so well-written and dubbed, I was replaying the game only to meet that one character again.

I only play games alone, and most of them are about being some sort of exceptional character. A hero that goes around the world, visits interesting places and does expectional things. Even when I used to play Wow, I would just do quests alone, go after whatever story there is, to make me feel like I'm a lone adventurer instead of one of the players who keep exping and competing against each other.

What else? I also like the progress I'm making in the games, getting levels, raising skills. Actually when my character gets strong and if the game becomes easy, I'm feeling disappointed and often lose interest.

As for porn, I have no idea. I just feel the compulsion to watch it, and I know the materials I watch have nothing to do with my needs.

What is it then? Here are some ideas for now:

  • Making constant progress
  • Feeling that I'm exceptional, that I'm doing exceptional things
  • Connection with people
  • Feeling that the world I'm inhabiting is interesting, predictable, makes sense and is prone to my influence
  • Feeling validated by other people (characters in this case)
  • Feeling needed, wanted, desired.

The last one is what I seek in porn, and I'm always disappointed.

The connection with people I think makes the most sense actually. I'm talking about a deep connection, with a loved one or with a parent.

I'm scared that the lack of connection with my parents during my childhood has ruined the rest of my life for me. Maybe I'll never be able to connect with anyone if I couldn't with them? If I still can't with them? Maybe I've been taught that I'm not worth it, or that it's impossible to do for someone like me? This makes me want to cry.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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Posted

Read Attached by Amir Levine. Think it could help!

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