"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

Super Saiyan Journal

337 posts in this topic

Posted

I'm studying. I'm actually studying. Well, it's actually more like chilling and reading some stuff for tomorrow's project. I'm writing here now because I'm already getting some cravings to get back to playing the game. I'm already imagining what I would do in it and so on.

Keep writing then if it helps, write as long as you need to, until you don't have the cravings to play anymore.

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Posted

I couple of days ago I made the simplest tracker, it was just about not watching porn for 7 days, and I stopped trying after 1,5 days.

I have been trying for so long I lost my faith that I can ever do it. That I can ever get the life I want.

But I want to have it. I want to be able to run again, and be able to work out as hard as I want to. I want to lose weight so that I can make better progress with the workout, have more energy, sleep better and save my joints. I want to meet a lot of new people and have a satisfying social life. I want to get good at studying and be on the way to getting a doctorate. I want to learn as much as possible and understand the world. I want to read a lot of books and be able to veiw reading as a pleasure instead of a kinda chore.

But I keep failing. Giving up actually. I wonder if I could ask my dad to help me. He's an alcoholic and clean for 11 years. But I'm afraid he won't understand. And I'm not at all very close with my family.

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Posted

I'm back home and I don't feel like doing anything. If I were to do anything, it would be either gaming or watching porn, but I don't wanna do these two. I also don't really feel like it. I guess I'll go to bed.

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Posted

I couple of days ago I made the simplest tracker, it was just about not watching porn for 7 days, and I stopped trying after 1,5 days.

I have been trying for so long I lost my faith that I can ever do it. That I can ever get the life I want.

But I want to have it. I want to be able to run again, and be able to work out as hard as I want to. I want to lose weight so that I can make better progress with the workout, have more energy, sleep better and save my joints. I want to meet a lot of new people and have a satisfying social life. I want to get good at studying and be on the way to getting a doctorate. I want to learn as much as possible and understand the world. I want to read a lot of books and be able to veiw reading as a pleasure instead of a kinda chore.

But I keep failing. Giving up actually. I wonder if I could ask my dad to help me. He's an alcoholic and clean for 11 years. But I'm afraid he won't understand. And I'm not at all very close with my family.

Maybe he will understand. You never know until you try!

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Posted

I feel like not wasting the day. I woke up at 1pm, did a little stretching and tried to exercise, but I only had strength for one set. I also meditated 10 minutes. Now I'm gonna go take a shower, run a couple errands, and then I want to start working on some projects for school. I also wanna finish reading a book today so I can move to something better.

I would probably be gaming if I hadn't gotten bored with the last game.

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Posted

During the last few days any attempt at change ended after a few hours most, even though I wanted to work this weekend because I have quite a few projects. But I didn't do anything and I'm only starting work right now, at 11pm on Sunday.

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Posted

Tomorrow I'm gonna call my dad and tell him everything. Or at least talk around the subject for a while. But I'll do at least something. This is getting out of hand. My productivity is almost zero, I can't get around to doing anything. I can't stop eating junk food even for one day. I weasel out of every project that isn't a strict necessity. I have to get some help or it will only get worse.

I hope he tells me he'll stop supporting me if I don't abstain. He told me it only took him two tries which were years apart to stop drinking. And I think he's been a little hostile toward people who "can't choose what they want to do with their lives", at least I heard one such conversation several years ago. If it comes to that, I'll have no choice but to stop.

I'm gonna call tomorrow after I get back home from the lecture, it should be at about 7:30pm. If I don't at least call and talk around the topic for a while, or don't report on it by the end of tomorrow, I want you guys to be brutal with me.

I already had one such conversation, it was with my ex-girlfriend. It went well. I have to think of that tomorrow.

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