"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

tirEdOrange's Journal

28 posts in this topic

Posted

Day 1

Today will be a changing day for me.

Playtime is over.

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Posted (edited)

Day 2

Don't have much time so short summary:

Read about difference between good and bad student. I'm a bad one and wanna change to a good one. Only 7 weeks left to change the mess that I'm in right now and give me the possibility to start at point 0 into the next semester and then start to become a good student.

Ran 7km yesterday, going to hit the gym today. Made some breaks during the run, which first disappointed me but it's good, still broke 7km. Gonna hit gym today.

Didn't do anything for music yesterday, will do today. Met with my brother though, was cool.

No friends that I could talk with about my situation. All the old "friends" that I know are selfish and not worth it. Need to find new friends in university, but I have no idea how.

Today: Studying for 2x2 hours, hitting gym for 1 1/2 then work.

I feel so out of place right now that it's giving up on myself or become superior over my cravings and escape the mediocre life.

Edit: My motivation is shattered right now, I learned intensively on an exam for 5 weeks to finally pass it and most likely performed bad in it. Now I have 2 exams left and only 1/4 of the time and have no idea how to pass. I guess I will fail in every single exam and need to change something in general afterwards. Sucks.

Edited by tirEdOrange

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Posted

Day 3-4

Calm days, thinking a lot.

I don't exactly know what to write... so I'll just jump from sentence to sentence...

I was relaxing a lot during the last 2 days since failing my exam that I learned so much for drained a lot of motivation and energy. I'm still doing sports, music and other stuff during the day which is a good thing but I also watched a lot of YouTube & Co.. I'm not even that negative about failing this exam because it showed me a lot of mistakes that I had done during this semester and practically opened my eyes. This is for me now number 1 priority, to change all the necessary things in order to give me the possibility to become a successful student.

Another thing that I realized during the last 2 days is how it all came down to this addiction and I gotta say, that I'm unfortunate to have met so many wrong persons during my last years. It's good that I am now distanced from them and that I have an isolated state right now because I was droven into alcoholism, gaming addiction and unemployment because of all the "friends" and acquintances that I had during my last 5 years. The most disappointing factor is that I had put my trust and my life fully into the hands of my leaders (trainers, teachers, close friends and so on) of that time and I completly dedicated everything that I could to achieve something and while I achieved it, I got totally lost of myself because of the way that people treated me like shit. I gotta say that if someone would nowadays treat me or especially anyone from my closer circle like that then I would have definitly broken a nose or two. Disgusting how greed, ignorance and power can change people into their worst.

I'm basicly still the light-hearted, good-willed person from then that simply wants to do no harm to anyone and be meaningful in something, willing to do a lot for it but the past-success has demanded it's price and I have definitly paid for it.... but that doesn't mean that I have to give up myself.

So right now I feel like on a scale from 0-10 I'm on -1. I am always afraid that if I start to live "regularly" that I will just have a boring life and won't achieve anything (ever again). But I can't jump from -1 to 10, that's not possible. The next step is living a regular, boring life. Wake up early, do your study, educate yourself some more, have some time with friends, have some fun, visit family, do some sports, go to bed early. Repeat. Don't overdo it and just be ordinary and then I have a solid ground, where I can start to grow on. If I want to get ambitious about something, then I will have the opportunity to do so. Getting to ground Zero will be the next step for now and in order to achieve that there is one golden rule:

Don't. Play. Games.

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Posted

Another thing that I realized during the last 2 days is how it all came down to this addiction and I gotta say, that I'm unfortunate to have met so many wrong persons during my last years. It's good that I am now distanced from them and that I have an isolated state right now because I was droven into alcoholism, gaming addiction and unemployment because of all the "friends" and acquintances that I had during my last 5 years. The most disappointing factor is that I had put my trust and my life fully into the hands of my leaders (trainers, teachers, close friends and so on) of that time and I completly dedicated everything that I could to achieve something and while I achieved it, I got totally lost of myself because of the way that people treated me like shit.

Hah, that sounds too familiar. Seclusion is a good method to collect yourself. Forget them people, you'll find new ones, once you do something you love.

 

So right now I feel like on a scale from 0-10 I'm on -1.

Do sports regularly, like 2x a week is just fine, nothing too harsh 1-2 hours, and you'll be @3-5 in a couple of months, I promise. Because it calms your heart and body, and that's the foundation for "being yourself".

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Posted

Day 5-8

I'm rethinking my basics during the last days. I feel like I start finding to myself.

Why do I keep pushing myself into all directions? I'm so directed towards success that I'm forcing myself with so many things.

Why do I wanna keep doing a certain kind of sports? I can't remember. Oh right now I do. But why am I trying to force success so hard in such a short time?

I'm going to look easier on some things. Life is life and it should be enjoyable. I got poisoned by the wicked ambition of people from the past and lost myself and my whole character during the process, all that is left is their wicked ambition that infected me and forces me to do things that I don't want to.

But this is already years ago... and I have suffered during all this time feeling like I'm some unworthy "non-achiever", driving myself mad. Steadily trying to get some fame with something that rewards me fast and gives me the feeling of accomplishment: The ranked ladder of a popular online game.

Things start to get clear and I feel like something big is coming.

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Posted

Wow, good going!!

I think something big is coming too, you sound pregnant! Haha.

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Posted

What, tirEdOrange is back?! Welcome back man!

I feel your pain. Video games are just the start. The real challenge is learning how to be happy without electronic stimulation (and beyond that, simply being happy without any stimulation). I'm with you in this, and let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

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Posted

Day 9-11

Todays society is filled with insanity.

I don't know why my mind is so attached to deny itself so much. There is so much potential in me, I'm not using it.

But I don't feel depressive or addicted. I just feel uncertain. I'm the victim of myself and the past that haunts me. But right now there are no problems and there is no depression, there is only the moment and I'm using it in a way that the future won't benefit from it. Maybe I should embrace insanity and accept society? hmpf....

I won't lie: I gamed during the last 5 days. A lot. And I documented everything in it in order to see a pattern. And that's the horrific thing about it: It had one.

I should make friends with pattern, I think I need to hang out a lot more with him but in different scenarios than just this one because that's what I lack: A friend that is telling me what to do. And pattern is a friend who's good in that, he's just hanging around in a bad scenario. Let's go for a walk.

 

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Posted (edited)

You don't have to accept society as a whole, you can accept the couple of things you like about it and disregard the rest. But in order to know which couple of things those are, you'll need to get past denying yourself.

Hm, how to counter self denial? I always write the same things... but give this book a try (it's on YouTube as an audiobook): Paul Coelho - The Alchemist. I'll leave it at that, because in discovering oneself everyone has their own way. A simple book leaves enough room for interpretation for you to find your own way. Give it a try, if you fail I can show you some methods that worked for me, but finding your own is a unique experience that creates valuable confidence.

Don't give up on your heart, it's telling you something. Sometimes the heart lies or needs to be contained - but for starters it might be good not to be skeptical, because you need to make some mistakes to distinguish its lies from its truths.

 

Routine gives every day a meaning, and it can act like a train track that helps stabilize a confused mind. Start with simple routines like eating breakfast regularly, householding and cooking.

Edited by destoroyah
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Posted

I am back!

I will keep my Journal updated from tomorrow on and I'm writing this to... let me know that. haha.

 

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Posted

The last weeks had been kind of different in their kind. I had been out of town for a week and could enjoy some time just for myself. I was filling every day with activity and had a lot of time to think about certain things and my current situation.

The weeks after that had been filled with little to no activity and a lot of excessive gaming. I was more aware of myself than usual though.

Anyway,

I achieved nothing during these weeks and spent a lot of time on gaming though. The problem that I have right now is that a few years ago I never really had the dream or the vision of achieving something in gaming but somehow during the last years this dream of mine had manifested itself and is still there, lurking me from time to time back into excessive gaming.

I honestly believe that there is a way for me to simply enjoy games again but I need to stop looking at them as something competitive. There is no need for me to obtain the Platin trophy in every game or getting high ranks or something like that, I should just play games for the fun and the enjoyment of it, as an addition to a filled day.

What i realized during this whole experienced with gamequitters is that there was a time where I had a gap in my life that has been filled with gaming and everytime a similar gap seems to open up I just go back to gaming and that is going to ruin my life, if I keep doing that.

Today I requested a deletion of my Account (will be completly deleted in a few weeks) and I made it process inaccessible for me, which means I won't be able to change this decision when my mind is weaker.

I've learned an interesting concept about weakened moments and this concept is called HALT. It stands for:

- Hungry

- Angry

- Lonely

- Tired

Whenever I encounter these states, I need to HALT and take a look at what I'm doing. Get aware of my situation and my thinking. Be aware of my weakened mind.

My decision to come back to this group is because I think that it will help me being here. I'm not planning on doing a 90-Day Detox but rather on writing here occasionaly and more likely read through other members experiences and accompany them.

Just for counting measures though: Today is Day 1

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Posted (edited)

I applied a similar tactic when I quit smoking. Each cigarette was a ritual I had to break. I had to defeat the cigarette while drinking a coffee. The cigarette when I failed an exam. The cigarette on the way to the subway. The cigarette after eating. Every single one of them was a habit on its own, it wasn't "smoking", it was a million different ritualistic cigarettes I had accumulated that turned me into a smoker. I kept a checklist in my head, and it was true, if I had defeated one of these cigarettes 2-3 times in total, they never called for a craving again.

I don't know if this tactic works with gaming, they are very different kinds of addictions, but if your addiction is very extreme it might be a good approach. Identify every game, every moment, every reaction as its own challenge and check it off when you defeat it. Gives you a feeling of progress!

Edited by destoroyah
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Posted

@destoroyah Thanks for your entries, I really appreciate your sharings! They help a lot :)

 

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