"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

tirEdOrange's Journal

28 posts in this topic

Posted

Day 1

I've done this Journal already and completed a full 90-day Detox more or less successful in November. During the last weeks however I relapsed and now I need to start over again from scratch. If I'm honest then I'm embarassed that I have to do this once again but there is no other way. I was trying moderate gaming and fell back into my old pattern.

Today I gamed for another 5 hours even though it only should had been only 1 hour because I am a freaking addict that can't handle himself in terms of gaming. How does it come that I have so little willpower? It wasn't always like this. I like to believe that gaming is rather a sympton than a disease and that with quitting games I treat the sympton and not the main problem and while that is partially true, it is simply delusional and stupid to ignore symptons and their aftereffects. I wanna aim right in the heart of the disease and that is: my brain.

I am aware of the fact that the structure of our brain changes with excessive behaviour and that it is simple chemistry why I can't enjoy anything but gaming and I'm going to change that.

In order to do that I will cut out on electronics in general in order to entertain myself. This means:

- No YouTube

- No Gaming

- No Television

- No MobileApps

This is a harsh decision but it will pay off in the end. I mean, I am in my fucking twenties and healthy and I am not doing anything with my life. This is so stupid!!! In order to get this starting I will delete all games today from my laptop, pc and mobile phone. This will be the first step.

*15 minutes later*

Alright so I got all games on my Laptop, Pc and Mobile deleted.

Today will be the last day! Not only the last day of gaming, but the last day of my bad habits. So in order to keep going I will get rid of some bab habits as well:

- No Porn

- No Alcohol

- No Getting up late

I plan to become very athletic and I wanna achieve some things. Drinking alcohol, even though I don't do it often anyway, will kill progress. As well does procrastination and getting up late. The Porn part doesn't really matter to me but let's get rid of this too, whatever.

Today will be Day 1.

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Posted

This is a harsh decision but it will pay off in the end. I mean, I am in my fucking twenties and healthy and I am not doing anything with my life. This is so stupid!!! In order to get this starting I will delete all games today from my laptop, pc and mobile phone. This will be the first step.

Yo, don't go overboard with what you intend.

The shit above takes about 2-3 years to set straight. Time is not of the essence, it's much more about not losing progress and sticking to it. So make little steps.

I thought the same way as you did in my twenties, and this kind of thinking hinders progress. It's the same kind of thinking that got you here, seeing age as a progress bar of life. A progress bar with landmarks that need to be achieved on certain moments.

It's not.

A movie lasts 90 minutes, and it has good and bad scenes all over. It's not "at minute 20 we get this kind of scene where the protagonist gets his shit straight", maybe that's at minute 89. And maybe that's the kind of movie that's more worth watching.

Time is not of the essence - the moment is. Take a deep breath and seize the information all your senses can gather, the hairs on your neck and skull bristling up. Awareness is the origin of conscious thought, every second is a decision of what you choose to see or hear and what not. Train yourself to make that choice and take responsibilty for bad choices, even if it hurts. Only then can you be proud of good choices. Addictions are not diseases, they are habits.

So, I recommend the following: exchange videogames with sports. If you can do that, you're the best, and you will have enough momentum for all the rest.

 

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Posted (edited)

@destoroyah I agree and disagree with you. There is no reason for me to set smaller steps, it's all or nothing anyway: My addiction won't go away if I simply take smaller portions of what I'm addicted to, if I would be able to do that, then I wouldn't be here in the first place. It's either I change my life the way that I want it to be or I give in and live the life that I do have now with all the consequences that will come, I can't have both success and comfort. I mean of course it's a process that needs to develop, but I won't stay in my comfort zone just to feel better about myself. Therefore I will change everything from above and exchange it for sports and education, as you mentioned;) Thanks for the good tip!

Day 2-3

I realize during the last 2 days what hinders me from progress. Even if I want to change myself, my old environment is throwing me back into my old patterns very quickly. I will set my goals to #1 priority during the next days because I'm not doing myself a favor otherwise.

I'm living in some strange cross-section now. It's like you prepare everything for a climbing tour and then go to swim with the equipment of the climbing tour, it makes no sense but it's pretty much how I feel right now: drowning with a lot of equipment in my possession. If I wanna go to swim, then I will pack for swimming and enjoy my time but right now I wanna climb a mountain and I prepared everything for it, so it's either take off the equipment or start climbing.

So in order to go to my climbing tour and get some achievements and muscles during it, I need to leave the water first.

 

Reflecting this situation to my current life, this means that I need to leave Comfort Zone. That means: wake up early, get stuff done and relax differently, but don't go back to where I was. The equipment and the knowledge is there.

Leave the water and get ready to climb the mountain. Going to pin this up somewhere to remember myself of this situation and focus on the things that I really wanna do.

Edit: I didn't succeeded completly during the last 2 days: I didn't woke up early, I binge watched YouTube and even gamed, but only a little.

Edited by tirEdOrange

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Posted

Good job starting over. It feels terrible to fall back into the dark hole where you crawled up from, but it's completely okay.  You're probably angry with yourself, and I urge you to take care of that anger. It's a mighty tool - use it to set all the big goals (like becoming ahtletic, that's a good one) and setting a bunch of good habits in place. Soon you'll be well on the right way :) 

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Posted

Welcome back. :)

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Posted

Thanks :)

Day 1

I gamed yesterday for a long time. Downloaded a game and played it. It's ok that this happened and I'm going to reset the timer due to that. In order to prevent this happening again I'm going to delete my account there. It will take 2 weeks but I guess I will be able to handle this time.

I will need to do a lot during the next days in order to rebuild my lifestyle. I need to be aware that my actions directly affect my surrounding field of persons that are close to me. I want these persons to have a good life and that they aim for the best in themselves, but how can I expect this from them if I'm not doing it myself. I had this realization yesterday and it kind of hit me.

 

 

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Posted

Hey Ed,

that might me selfish, but I'm really glad that you are back! We are in the same spot right now. We did the 90-day-detox but we were not able to stick to it.

It's a huge motivation boost that you are back with me on same road again! It's hard, there will be setbacks, but we can do it!

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Posted

@Fagus I was already wondering whether we will meet each other again here. So we are both again at the same spot, let's through it again together ;) Are you planning on doing another 90-Days?

Day 2-3

I should've studied during the last days but my head was full with the option that I could cancel the deletion of my account and that distracted me often and a lot. I can't really focus on learning.

Anyway I will get through this time and get this account deleted. Otherwise I would just end in a loop and I don't want that. I had nice little success stories during my time when I didn't game.

I'm not doing much during the day except learning.

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Posted

Hey, you did 90 days once, how about 1000 days?

I mean, you wanna join me in my own journey? :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Hey, you did 90 days once, how about 1000 days?

I mean, you wanna join me in my own journey? :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

hehe thanks for the invitation. I would love to say yes but I will need to look how things turn out. My personal plan sounds actually pretty familiar, so how about we make a deal and I will join your journey at a later date when I passed some obstacles? ;)

Day 3

Going to make another entry for today. I think I am going to make it a habit to write into my Journal early in the morning. I think that this will be an important factor towards focusing my mind into the right direction in the morning by making myself clear what I want to achieve during the day and most important of all remind myself of what I really want. I mean what I really really want and not what my cravings are... and I think that I can pass this point of being on the same spot over and over again by having this habit of mine.

So what do I want? Well what I want is a healthy and very athletic lifestyle. Which means I need to have a good food schedule as well as around 1 hour of training per day no matter what(training is not always hitting the gym, sometimes a little jog or some yoga/stretching will do the trick). This will be topic 1.

In order to have a good food schedule I need to prepare good and well-rounded meals, which means I need to buy the right foods at the store. Eating the right things and sleeping enough is like 2/3 of an athletic lifestyle, the other 1/3 of course is training and the most important part about it is consistency.

Topic 2 will be Education.

By Education I don't mean my university-education, I mean my personal. The most important lesson that I took from my Detox the last time was clearly that there is a huge difference between self education and the education that I get from school/university. If there is a thing that I want to achieve, then I can study it on my own and learn a lot about it, there is no reason to have something like a certification or some kind of paper proving myself that I mastered something or that I am at least educated in it. Educating myself is opening so many doors and has opened my eyes so much that I simply don't wanna miss on it ever again.

Topic 3 will be Music.

I don't wanna be a super good musician or anything, but my brother and me bonded really much over the last years with gaming. Leaving gaming behind means that there will be a void now and I wanna fill that void with music (sounds poetic), because he is for sure talented but also loses a lot of progress due to gaming, which is completly fine but hey, getting a stronger bond and helping him by spending time on his talents is a win-win situation that everyone will benefit from + It's a completly new experience for me and it's just a couple of minutes every day.

These will be my 3-main topics during the next weeks and I'm going to set some specific goals every morning when I wake up. Besides from these 3 main-topics there are some minor-topics that will always influence my day(actually the biggest part of it): I need to get my studies done, I have to earn some money and so on. But these are rather "unpersonal" goals that are just a must be and that don't need that much attention from me at the moment. As long as all these "topics" are fulfilled during the day I'm fine with sitting on the couch and playing some local-coop games with my girlfriend, I just have to distance myself a lot from certain kind of games (practically everything with ranked online multiplayer and similar things).

Sadly it's already 16:00 around here so this focusing of my mind comes a bit late today but that's no problem, I can still make the best out of it.

Sports(Topic 1): I'm going to eat a self made salat with noodles and then learn a little bit and go to the gym.I want this to be finished until 19:00 and then get some healthy groceries

Education(Topic 2): I'm going to read a little before I go to bed. It won't be anything educational but since I have my exams soon I need to focus my education there at the moment.

Music(Topic 3): I will make some breaks between studying and practice guitar. Will most likely be only 15 minutes but that will be more than enough for the start.

This will be how I will make my daily plans in the morning.

 

Writing and planning about these things really feels rewarding and liberating but I also need a good execution, because the best plan is useless without anyone executing it. So I'm off to make the best out of the day ;)

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Posted

Hey, you did 90 days once, how about 1000 days?

I mean, you wanna join me in my own journey? :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

hehe thanks for the invitation. I would love to say yes but I will need to look how things turn out. My personal plan sounds actually pretty familiar, so how about we make a deal and I will join your journey at a later date when I passed some obstacles? ;)

Alright, go and fuck'em up, and then tell me how well and how fast you did it :)

Remember if you'll struggle with something too much, you can always use a support skill called: "Summon Mad Pharmacist". This way you'll bring him to the battlefield and he'll boost any skill you want to boost for 100% for 24 hours! :D

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Remember if you'll struggle with something too much, you can always use a support skill called: "Summon Mad Pharmacist". This way you'll bring him to the battlefield and he'll boost any skill you want to boost for 100% for 24 hours! :D

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

I may take you up on that later. ;) Thanks my support :D

Day 4

I got quiet early to bed yesterday and woke up early today, which is great. Going to gym yesterday was the best thing that I could do. My plans for today are quiet simple: Learn a lot and...

Sports: Going to jog in the afternoon and do some stretching.

Education: A lot of university stuff going on around today, but I will take my time and read a book on my own as well. Going to finish one today that I started 2 weeks ago.

Music: I will take some more time today to practice guitar.

I feel like I have a lot of time today and I will need most of it to study, I will see what I will probably do during study breaks.

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Posted (edited)

Day 5

I was thinking about reseting my timer since I relapsed this night for some hours, but I have to say that the 1000-day Challenge of my support gave me kind of the way of thinking. I wanna win the war, not the battle and this is a battle that I lost tonight, but that doesn't has to mean that I lost the war.

The good thing is I stopped gaming after some hours and I denied access to pretty much my last gaming account. Also I did everything from yesterday that I wanted to do.

For today I will take a good amount of sleep and stuuuuudy. I'm going to also write for myself in the evening to deal better with my cravings there.

Edit:

Alright time to analyze the situation. How did it come to this?

I guess one of the biggest factor is desire to Escape for a while since there is a lot of stress going on at the moment. While sports and everything does it's part for a couple of minutes, gaming took away several hours. I will need to handle stress a little different. I believe that you can get used to some amount of stress and you can deal better with it then but I'm not at this point right now and need to learn it. So for now it's ok that this relapse happened, but I need another time eating hobby where I can lose my time to for a while in order to deal better with the stress I guess.
The second reason is just stupidity. I was thinking about how I wanted to be this cool guy that has a high rank in a popular game. But truth is: I won't achieve this "status" without spending tons of hours into the game and this is how the game is designed: It is designed to keep me hooked.

And I got hooked during the last weeks. It is a typical addictive behaviour: "Next game I will definitly have better luck" "Maybe the next gamestreak is my lucky winstreak". It's just that one more game that promises to be soooo much better but it won't be. Don't know why I got so back into this thinking-pattern but it is good that I realized this now. I think it's pretty simple:

I don't have a problem to distance myself from games as long as I have the right mind to it. But as soon as I forget about a couple of things and get back to my old thinking-pattern I get hooked again on games and this is what happened a couple of weeks ago when I finished my detox.

And in order to achieve another kind of mind or thinking I need to do other things. I already realized this halfway a couple of days ago but I see now why I was thinking that. In order to change my mind, I need to change what influences it and even though this will take time, it will be worth it.

For now I will need to find a way to deal with my gaming cravings. I think I will follow on of the tips that I got during the last days:

 

So, I recommend the following: exchange videogames with sports. If you can do that, you're the best, and you will have enough momentum for all the rest.

 

and every time I get cravings I will just simply do sports. It's like having a diet and exchanging all the bad food with good food for a while. In order to succeed I need to adapt my eating habit in general but for now as a short-term solution in this stressphase it will do the trick.

Edited by tirEdOrange
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Posted

If you're tired of sports, expand. Do some cooking and some hobby that acts as a sanctuary (as gaming did). It's good to have some irons in the oven.

Axes, swords, kitchen knives, katanas...

Saved some money by not gaming and spending it all on steam-sales. Got myself a wacom tablet, some peripherals and new shoes. Now that I got this nasty cold, it's these alternatives that save my ass, when I got cravings, there's enough stuff to pursue, enjoy and practice. At worst I'm laying on the couch watching movies. Sure that's not much better, but when your quitting something, your priority is not doing that one thing. You can counter addictions with new addictions, just see to it that your new addictions are slightly better.

I turned it like this: dopehead>alcoholic>chain smoker>sugar junkie>coffee addict, and I was a gamer parallel to all that. Gaming actually helped me quit all that shit, because I could hide there. But I always countered with something less bad. Currently I'm hiding in writing, drawing, watching movies and listening to music. I'm no hero, but everyday I'm marginally better than before and stepping out a little. And you know what? It's these tiny steps that accumulate, and as a result I feel no need to hide from other peoples achievements.

You don't need to wake up early drink tea and do yoga, to be who you wanna be. Fuck what society is trying to sell ya, if you don't like it. You need to quit gaming because you think it's stupid, not because someone said so or you wanna score a girl.

Most people don't make any steps at all. They're the same with 50 as with 20. Sure they got their bachelor with 25, but there's like nothing in their heads worth mentioning. They never needed to change. They never learned changing. I always feel like a mechanic when I converse with them, salvaging their heads for spare parts, ideas and concepts "Oh, this is useless - all rusted up", "I got enough of those" and "Whoa, an antique... Beautifully crafted! Obsolete. Never gonna need that.".

Don't be like that.

 

Playtime is over.

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Posted

Day 4-5

I missed yesterday because I was studying all day for my exam today. It didn't went well but I'm halfway fine with it. I studied a lot for it but I guess I didn't use the time efficently enough or my way of studying wasn't optimized enough. Even if I fail I want to improve my study style and I already have made some valuable experiences, so I'm fine with whatever comes out of this exam. It still sucks though to learn so much and going out of an exam with the worry to fail. Anyway I will make a plan this evening in order to optimize my learn style and remove some mistakes so I can use my time more efficiently. After all I had a 7 year break from any kind of school or exam or something like that, so I guess it's fine as the first step.

Try, fail, optimize, try harder. repeat until you succeed.

I'm not planning much for today except my usual 3 things and some more learning for the next exam tomorrow.

I'm happy that I'm writing again since I appreciate the possibility to train my english with these entries and to get a sight of my own mind.

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